The Devastator #1: Cartoons (Sampler)

SAMPLER

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The internet has made “slash fiction” easier to find than ever. However, little has been done to preserve historic, or “classical,” slash fic. Re-printed in this book three renowned slash fic manuscripts, rescued from Terry Poloskowicz’s basement.

SLASH

FICTION

THROUGH THE AGES

BY Marcus Haysworth, 1977.

Fat Albert/Dumb Donald

When the Junkyard Gang had finished cranking out their last funky jam, the sun was beginning to set over North Philadelphia.

“All right, cats,” said Fat Albert, “that’s enough jive for tonight. See you boys at practice tomorrow.”

The gang set their makeshift instruments back onto the junkyard’s dirt floor and one by one left for their cribs. All except for Dumb Donald, who was hanging back and trying to play it cool as he struggled to play the right notes on his trombone.

Donald was trying to chill and not show his frustration, but Fat Albert could tell. He could see the sweat coming through Donald’s giant stocking cap. Try as he might, Fat Albert just couldn’t keep from getting all hot and bothered when he saw sweat glisten on Dumb Donald’s primo black body.

“Hey Hey Hey, Donald,” said Albert, “What’s the sitch?”

“Dang man,” said Donald, “I just can’t make this hunk of junk sing.”

“Oh I can make your horn sing, Donald.”

“Really, Fat Albert?”

Fat Albert slid right behind Donald, his big ass crotch all up in Donald’s business, and reached

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around to guide Donald’s hands on the horn. “Fo’ sho’” said Albert. “I’ll help you with your hands, you just blow.”

And soon enough, it was just two brothers making sweet sweet music together. With each silky smooth note, Albert became more and more aroused, until Donald was totally hip to the chub that was riding up the back of his Levis. When Donald looked behind him to see what was going on, Albert let the horn drop to the ground and shyly backed off.

“It’s cool, my man,” said Donald, “you ain’t gotta be on the down low with me. Now, keep dry humpin’ me with yo’ fat ass while I find us some protection.”

So Albert got back to business while the bent over Donald searched the nearby trash pile for a rubber.

“Any luck?” asked Albert.

“No dice, my man,” said Donald. “Here,” he took off his stocking cap, “put this over that thick Johnson of yours.”

Albert did just that. And as the moon came up over that North Philly junkyard, with two hip cats grinding each other in its light, Albert had only one thing to say…

“Hey…..Hey….HEY!!!!!!”

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The folks at Retrospew.com, “The #1 Website For People Who Refuse To Take Off Their Thundercats T-Shirts, Or At Least Wash Them Once In Awhile,” posted this review of an 80s cartoon series. The question is: did they give it 5 stars, or jizz directly onto the 2-disc box set?

At long last, the God of DVDs has awoken, heeded the desperate prayers at his digital video altar, and given the people what they want. I am of course talking about none other than this week’s release of 1989’s classic Tetris: The Animated Series ($29.95, Amazon.com).

You may be thinking, “Tetris: The Animated Series? That show was horrible. It was cancelled less than a month after its premiere, and the few episodes that aired were tedious, poorly drawn, sloppily conceived, 22-minute long commercials for Tetris.” Yes, you may be thinking that, but that’s because you are a jerk and Tetris: The Animated Series is fucking amazing. Go buy the Nick Hornby Adaptation Box Set, asshole.

In case you’ve forgotten—and short of either being born after 1990 or having incurred a severe brain legion, I don’t see how that’s even possible—T:TAS tells the story of an average kid named Zack who buys a bunch of toy blocks from a crotchety old wizard at a garage sale, only to come home and find out those blocks can talk! There’s Tom T-Block (the straightshooting leader), Lance Longblock (the strong, silent outcast), Lex L-block (the nefarious millionaire real-estate schemer), Sam Squareblock (the overweight comic relief), Stephanie S-block (the sexy duplicitous femme fatale) and Reversula S-Block (Samantha’s chaste twin sister, with a dangerous secret. NSFW!) Now, Tetris: The Animated Series could have gone the easy, predictable route and sent its characters on fantastic “adventures” filled with “fun” and “surprises,” but no. It chose to stay true to the Tetris message about the value and importance of stacking things.

One of the best episodes is “The Phonebook Dilemma,” where Zack wakes up one morning to find that oddly shaped phonebooks are being thrown onto his front lawn by an out-of-control paperboy. His block buddies must teach him how to stack the phonebooks in the most efficient

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way possible, lest his lawn become completely inundated with phonebooks. And who can forget “The Pancake Dilemma,” where Zack’s uncle goes off the deep end and starts compulsively making pancakes. The gang must teach him how to stack the oddly shaped pancakes in the most efficient way possible, lest his kitchen become completely inundated with pancakes! And don’t get me started on “The Magazine Dilemma,” “The VHS Tape Dilemma,” and my personal favorite, “The Old Cardboard Box Dilemma.”

No cartoon show would be complete without an evil villain, here embodied by the dreaded Czar Time Limit. With his cold yet stately demeanor and army of tiny, maneating time-keepers, Czar Time Limit is the kind of personified clock audiences loves to hate.

Of course, like many great television series, Tetris was ahead of its time. Critic Tom Shales complained, “I may be out of touch, but does today’s youth really want to spend their Saturday mornings watching cartoon characters stack things?” Sadly, viewers echoed his sentiments. The show was cancelled faster than you could utter the show’s now legendary catchphrase: “Let’s get busy organizing differently shaped objects into solid unbroken rows!”

So do yourself a favor and buy a copy today. Or buy several copies and enjoy arranging the DVD boxes into rows. Stack power! A++!!1!1 Special Features: The DVD contains a commentary track by Andrea McCluen, the voice actress who played Zack’s Mom. Apparently, Andrea does not remember recording the part, but reports that she’s recently become a godmother.

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In X-Men: The Animated Series, Wolverine makes a wry pun whenever he extends his adamantium claws to intimidate his opponents. The series was recently released on DVD, but we editors are poorer than Morlocks! Instead, we sat on the couch and compiled the following list:

May I cut in?

Slice to meet you.

This contract could use some new claws-es.

Let’s carve this turkey.

Time to get the shred out.

These are my keycard.

I’m claw-some!

I’m gonna make a Weapon X-ample out of you!

I made you peanut cut-ter and jelly sandwich.

I don’t like metal guitar, but I do love to shred.

You deserve a round of a-claws!

Mission: In-claws-able.

How about some crackers and shred-der cheese?

These are my dinner reservation.

Ho ho ho, bub. It’s Santa Claws.

You look absolutely stab-ulous.

Shred-dy or not, here I come!

I got a song for ya, Dazzler. It’s called “Slice, Slice Baby.”

Time to spike the punch!

Sorry, Cajun. The only shellfish I like are claw daddies.

These are my subway pass.

Nice car. I’m gonna turn those fuzzy dice into fuzzy slice.

Remember that movie “The Cutting Edge?”

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These are my fire insurance.

You’ve got the gift of gab, Mojo. But I got the gift... of stab!

How ‘bout a nursery rhyme? “Three Blind Slice!”

I’m coming out of the claws-et!

We went back through time and found baby Magneto. Time to make sure he never Weapon X-ists.

I’m about to post some slash fiction!

Adam and Eve? How about Adamantium and Eve? Meet my pals: Groucho, Zeppo and Sharp-o.

These are my engagement ring.

How about a can of Slice? Or s-Tab? I got a bird call, Sauron. It goes, “Claw-caw! Claw-caw!”

The best Bond is Pierce Brosnan.

I almost forgot your severance!

I got a song for ya, Dazzler. It’s called “Once, Slice, Three Time A-deadly.”

You don’t want to take chances in this e-claw-nony!

These are my divorce papers.

MOOOOOOOORPH!

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