The Dartmouth Mirror 4/26/13

MIR ROR

APRIL 26, 2013

KEEPING GOOD COMPANY // 2 WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH // 3

SPEAKING OF COMMENCEMENT... // 4 PUTTING THE REAL IN HANOVER REAL ESTATE // 8

TTLG: THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS // 6 PATTON LOWENSTEIN // THE DARTMOUTH STAFF

2// MIRROR

EDITOR’S NOTE After so many forums, committees and dialogues, it feels like we’ve finally reached the tipping point. In a move unprecedented in the last 27 years, the administration halted the core function of our academic institution, calling on the community to reflect on the social environment. We feel compelled to act. After so much static, we finally feel the concrete mold beginning to break, and it is exhilarating. But it is also over whelming. Armed with the requisite passion to confront these issues per vading campus, we feel lost and unsure of where to place our efforts. Wanting so badly to make our College a better place, we may struggle to even find a place to begin.

The articles in this issue do not explicitly address the Dimensions protest and its aftermath, the administration’s reaction or the programming that replaced classes on Wednesday. Instead, they feature a cafe we all hold dear to our hearts, one amazing race and the qualities we look for in the person delivering words of wisdom on our final day as undergraduates. But these topics are not irrelevant. Indeed, it is during times like these, when our social fabric feels torn, that it is most important for us to come together through our communities. Only then can we begin to build and rebuild a stronger, more respectful space in which all members feel safe and recognized. Happy Friday.

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MIR ROR MIRROR EDITORS AMELIA ACOSTA TYLER BRADFORD EDITOR-IN-CHIEF JENNY CHE PUBLISHER GARDINER KREGLOW EXECUTIVE EDITORS DIANA MING FELICIA SCHWARTZ GRAPHICS EDITOR ALLISON WANG

OVER HEARDS

KEEPING GOOD COMPANY

Dartmouth’s special relationship with King Arthur Flour extends beyond its popular Baker-Berry library location to include a number of College alumni who have pursued careers with the company.

KASSAUNDRA AMANN // THE DARTMOUTH STAFF

B Y MARY LIZA HARTONG What’s that delightful smell wafting through Baker-Ber r y? Could it be the scent of learning? The aroma of academia?

Heavens no! That sweet perfume is none other than the smell of fresh baked goods emanating from our own King Arthur Flour cafe. It is a small kingdom we have here on campus, but a beloved one, fortified with brie and apple sandwiches, hot chocolate and buffalo chicken salads.

It’s no secret that students gravitate toward KAF like moths to a flame, or, during exam week, like zombies to brains. Blame it on the convenient location and seductive cursive lettered signs. We’re hooked. The Dar tmouth-KAF connection, however, is more than just the inseparable bond between students and iced coffee.

King Arthur Flour was founded in Boston in 1790, a mere 21 years after dear old Dartmouth. Within the next few centuries, it became one of the biggest flour suppliers in New England and the United States. In 1984, owners Frank Sands ’58 and his wife Brinna moved the company headquarters to Nor wich, just down the road from the College, where it still stands, along with the Baker’s Store and the Baking Education Center.

In 2011, KAF under went major renovations under the direction of Steve Cochran ’05, vice president for infrastructure.

“The renovation connected the baker y and the office space,” said Cochran. “Now we have more baking space and a lot more seating for the cafe.”

Cochran, who is responsible for all of KAF’s computing, buildings and new projects, cited the education center as one of KAF’s best resources. Since its construction in 2000, it has offered baking classes and free demonstration sessions.

’14 Girl: I will literally blitzslap him if I have to.

Blitz overheards to mirror@thedartmouth.com

“There are two categories, home baker and professional,” Cochran said. “Home baker is for kids and those who have never baked. The professional categor y has classes like ‘How To Start Your Own Baker y.’ We even have the finance department come in to talk to people about the financial side of starting a baker y.”

Before joining the King Arthur staf f, Cochran got his degree in creative writing and physics. His Dartmouth experience, he admitted, was “highly unusual.”

“The D-Plan offers a lot of flexibility,” Cochran said. He began college at Middlebur y, but took time off two years later and began working at Dar tmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center. As a College employee, he was granted one free class per term and took advantage of the benefit to complete his degree in seven years.

Cochran is no lone pine, as numerous Dartmouth alumni also work for KAF. “Three out of six members of our leadership team are Dartmouth alums, but I don’t think it’s just because we’re located one mile from Dartmouth,” he said. “Alums tend to come back to this area, but I think it’s happenstance.”

Despite the element of chance, Cochran cited the local business energy group as a defining link.

“There is a cross collaboration of businesses like King Arthur and the hospital tr ying to use energy efficiently,” he said. “We have the same green goals as Dartmouth.”

Kelly Mousley, director of retail and cafe operations, added that speaking opportunities, student project support and sponsorships provide additional connections.

“We share common goals at Baker-Berr y through environmental efforts such as recycling and reduction of waste,” Mousley

ANTI-FEMINISM ’14 Girl: I spent the first three weeks of the term trying to make a man out of a boy and I’ve gotten nowhere.

’14 Guy: You can’t be Mulan.

’16 Male: I haven’t been drunk since January. Except for February. I mean March.

said.

The clearest intersection is the BakerBerr y Librar y location, a fusion of Dartmouth values and KAF creations.

“All of the bread in the Baker-Berr y location is made in the baker y in Nor wich and delivered six times per day,” Cochran said. “Certain students have learned what our deliver y times are.”

For some students, though, six times a day is not nearly enough. How many times has a famished freshman stood in line for 20 minutes, only to discover all the apple and brie sandwiches gone? A thirsty ’13 compelled to tears by a lack of hot beverages?

Cochran said that the company is working to develop a way to alert students of food availability to prevent this frustration. This conundrum, in addition to the high prices, seems to be the only complaint from students who adore KAF. “Campus is ver y supportive,” Cochran said. “Our employees love being over there because of the energy of the students. Many of the staff members have formed relationships with the regulars.”

For those regulars who wish to become even more immersed in the sugar y goodness of KAF delicacies, classes at the education center are the way to go. “Crisp & Crunchy: Crackers” or “Macarons for Mothers Day” both sound like particularly appealing and alliterative offerings.

If it’s the professional route you’re looking for, KAF offers job-shadowing programs for undergraduate students.

Perhaps you too will one day be sitting at a boardroom table, surrounded by freshly baked bread and a few of your closest friends. Until then, a quick coffee run in Baker-Berr y will have to do.

’16 Girl in car: You know, road signs are just a suggestion.

’15 Girl: Carol Folt trying to be all articulate and blah blah blah.

Gov. Prof: Copy this down while I wash the blood off my hands.

MIRROR //3

WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH

The Tough Mudder attracts many Dartmouth students, despite challenging

BY MADDIE BROWN AND SARA KASSIR obstacles and the potential for death.

How much beer can you lift: a can, a case, a keg or a refrigerator?

According to the Tough Mudder’s official website, if you can lift a refrigerator, then you are definitely Mudder material. If you can only lift a can or a case, however, you should probably start taking cold showers and punching yourself in the face ever y day until you are prepared.

A 10 to 12-mile race of two dozen obstacles designed by the British Special Forces, the Tough Mudder is a marathon designed to test endurance, mental stamina and teamwork. In recent years, the event has gained popularity among students, who often trek to Mount Snow, Vermont to participate.

The creators describe it as “probably the toughest event on the planet.” Many would agree.

“College life can get you into pretty bad shape,” said Craig Smyser ’13, who went last spring. “I wanted an excuse to not be going out and drinking and ruining my body.”

The average person is unlikely to make it through the Mudder if they aren’t at their physical and mental peak. Arctic Enema, for example, is like the Polar Bear Plunge, except participants are completely submerged in a dumpster full of ice. They swim under planks and pull themselves out on the other side without any safety rope. And if cold doesn’t really bother you, the Fire Walker is extreme in the opposite sense: a field of hay is set on fire and contestants have to run across, avoiding the flames while breathing in thick smoke.

But whether you are swinging on greased monkey bars or swimming in underwater tunnels, the Tough Mudder is much easier with friends. The race

TRENDING @ Dartmouth SNAPS PROBLEMS Doesn’t need much explanation. Just seems like everyone has one.

FERTILIZER

Courtesy of Kara Hedges

Tough Mudder challenges involve crawling through thick mud and receiving significant electric shocks. was designed to foster teamwork, and some events cannot be completed without help. The Berlin Wall requires other people to push you up a wall. And even for solo obstacles, team support can be crucial in giving you the strength to complete the course. “Together we can overcome all fears,” the slogan boasts.

“It’s mostly about finding a great group to do it with because so many of the obstacles involve people having to help you through it,” said Amy Couture ’14, who

Coutesy of Kara Hedges

Many Dartmouth students participate in the race during sophomore summer, despite the risks of injury or death.

completed the course last summer. You could theoretically go by yourself and strangers would help you along because ever yone wants you to finish.”

Couture found the race exhausting but not impossible. There were a few parts that fully met her expectations.

“The electroshock section, that was definitely just as bad as I thought it would be,” she said.

As one of the most notorious aspects of the Tough Mudder, the final obstacle usually involves competitors r unning through a field of hanging wires that carr y up to 10,000 volts of electricity. Contestants can dodge them or sprint through the field. Either way, they will be shocked.

While the Tough Mudder might sound like the type of competition that only the most physically fit would enjoy, Phillip Coletti ’14 noted that this was not the case both times he completed it.

“It’s a pretty incredibly diverse group of people who go to these events,” Coletti said. “There are some older people who are pretty out of shape, then there are some jacked guys in their mid-20s, but then you also have cross countr y runners. It really spans the gamut of athletic builds, abilities and specialties.”

Coletti said some of the most tr ying obstacles were not always the most intense.

“The most challenging part of doing it on Mount Snow is actually climbing up the mountain,” he said. “The obstacles end up being a cardiovascular break from just running up a ski mountain, which gets tiring really fast.”

While Coletti looks for ward to

his third Mudder this summer, Couture is fairly certain that it was a one-time event.

“I don’t think I’d do it again,” she said. “It was so perfect as a stand-alone experience that I can’t imagine that doing it a second time would top it.”

The Tough Mudder is a successful charity project that has raised over $5 million for the Wounded Warriors Project, which supports injured veterans. Smyser and his fraternity brother both grew out their hair before the event to enter the charity competition Tough Mullets and Mohawks.

This year’s Tough Mudder in New England will be held on Mount Snow in West Dover, Vt., on Aug. 10 and 11. The event has recently come under public scrutiny after the first fatality connected to a Tough Mudder event last weekend.

At the race in Gerrardstown, W. Va, 28-year-old Mar yland resident Avishek Sengupta, drowned, and 20 additional par ticipants were taken to the hospital. Though Sengupta’s death has been ruled an accident, it is a tragic reminder of the risk associated with such endurance events.

Given that most Dartmouth students are competitive and seek to push their limits, it isn’t surprising that the Tough Mudder has made its way into our campus culture.

Even if you aren’t a varsity athlete or exper t mountaineer, the opportunity to show just how much you can do is hard to resist.

Smyser suggested that “a lot of type-A people” participate. If that means a willingness to endure all sorts of mental and physical trials, then more power to you. We’ll see you at the finish line.

Perhaps we should have asked for clarification on what shade of green the Green really is. We know it’s good for the long run, but right now our precious lawn looks a little alien.

DINING@ DARTMOUTH The long-awaited app that finally gives you an easy way to check remaining meal swipes and DBA, without navigating the back alleys of Banner. Keep track of where you spend most of your money and at what times.

FOCO TO GO

No, I’m not sitting alone.

I’m sitting outside with my friends, thank you very much. It’s not ideal (we love all you can eat), but until we get the much-anticipated outdoor seating, it’s all we have.

GOAT CHEESE

While many have forsaken Novak for greener pastures, the spread is a hidden gem when paired with a 2 a.m. roll.

SENIOR FENCE

4// MIRROR

Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf, 2008

Conan O’Brien, 2011

SPEAKING OF

COMMENCEMENT Bill Clinton, 1995

ALLISON WANG // THE DARTMOUTH SENIOR STAFF Graphics by REBECCA XU and KATHLEEN RAO // THE DARTMOUTH STAFF

Louise Erdrich ’76, 2009

“

IT IS OUR FAILURE TO BECOME OUR PERCEIVED IDEAL THAT ULTIMATELY DEFINES US AND MAKES US UNIQUE. IT’S NOT EASY, BUT IF YOU ACCEPT YOUR MISFORTUNE AND HANDLE IT RIGHT, YOUR PERCEIVED FAILURE CAN BECOME A CATALYST FOR PROFOUND

“

ELLEN JOHNSONSIRLEAF

FOR POSITIVE CHANGE TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN ONE'S LIFE AND IN THE LIVES OF GREATER HUMANITY, PEOPLE MUST BE INSPIRED TO CHALLENGE, REFORM AND TRANSFORM EXISTING CONDITIONS OF LIFE, ESPECIALLY WHERE OUR MOST CHERISHED UNIVERSAL VALUES ARE TRAMPLED UPON

BY THOSE WHOSE GOALS ARE TO CIRCUMVENT THE PATH OF PEACE AND HUMAN UPLIFTMENT, OR TO WREST THE GOOD THINGS OF LIFE FOR THEMSELVES AT THE DISADVANTAGE OF A WEAKER HUMANITY.

CONAN O’BRIEN

“

MIRROR //5

BILL CLINTON

A SOCIETY IS NOT A COLLECTION OF PEOPLE PURSUING THEIR INDIVIDUAL ECONOMIC MATERIAL SELF INTERESTS. IT IS A COLLECTION OF PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE THAT BY WORKING TOGETHER THEY CAN RAISE BETTER CHILDREN AND HAVE STRONGER FAMILIES, HAVE MORE MEANING FUL LIVES AND HAVE SOMETHING TO PASS ON TO THE GENERATION THAT COMES BEHIND.

“

LOUISE ERDRICH

IT IS LOVE OF PEACE THAT MAKES YOU A WARRIOR, LOVE OF PROCESS THAT BINDS YOU TO YOUR WORK, LOVE OF FAMILY THAT STEADIES YOU IN ALL THAT YOU DO.

By ERIN LANDAU As they walk down the aisle during graduation, in what seems like the longest walk of their lives, seniors are hit by a cacophony of emotions that threaten to overwhelm them. How do they leave Dartmouth and face the real world with four years of blood, sweat and tears strewn across Collis, the Green and First Floor Berry?

In the midst of all this confusion, the Commencement speaker stands as a shining beacon of hope, of who we can become and what we can do with this seemingly impractical liberal arts education.

The speaker’s job is to provide nuggets of wisdom and advice to seniors nervous about entering the big scary “real world,” where DBA doesn’t exist and you actually have to wake up before 11 a.m. The Commencement speaker, typically announced this time of year, is a manifestation of who we strive to become — fully realized adults capable of making mature decisions and taking control of our own lives.

Dartmouth has played host to illustrious Commencement speakers, from Secretary of State Daniel Webster in 1806 to friendly neighborhood Fred, or “Mister,” Rogers in 2002. We’ve given honorary degrees to transcendentalists, such as Ralph Waldo Emerson in 1863 and Walt Whitman in 1872, and political moguls like Nelson Rockefeller ’30 in 1969 and Bill Clinton in 1995.

While many of these speakers delivered powerful addresses that inspired

and motivated students, others failed to deliver and left students feeling more than a little underwhelmed. Some, like last year’s Teach for America president Wendy Kopp, have struggled in the shadows of their predecessors. As she said herself, how could she be expected to follow the notoriously lively speech given

by Conan O’Brien?

O’Brien did something right when his address to the Class of 2011 quickly became an overnight Internet sensation.

The question is, what sort of qualities differentiated him from the rest? What made people take the precious time out of their days to pretend to care about a bunch of Ivy League do-gooder graduates enough to write it down in their blogs?

O’Brien’s speech begins with your typical Ivy League quips about the unfair nature of devoting four years of your life to a prestigious institution that will help you get absolutely nowhere. His jokes about the tragedy of living in New Hampshire and the procrastination associated with Red Bull and Adderall before big term papers were certainly crowd pleasers.

Every Dartmouth student worth his salt can quote that infamous line about Dartmouth’s identity as the “cool, sexually confident, lacrosse playing younger sibling who knows how to throw a party and looks good in a down vest.” Because let’s face it, we have both inferiority complex and a unwavering sense of school spirit when it comes to the other

“self-involved, vain, name dropping older brothers” that make up the rest of the Ivy League, or at least the ones that matter.

Yet the real meat of O’Brien’s speech comes from his raw and tangible discussion of the realities of failure and disappointment. His own personal experiences, interwoven with perfect pearls of wisdom, created just the reassurance that graduates were searching for. In describing failure as the catalyst for reinvention, O’Brien addresses and quells their fears: “The beauty is that through disappointment, you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality,” he said. “Whatever you think your dream is now, it will change, and that’s okay.”

O’Brien hit one out of the proverbial park, but what about those other famous Commencement speakers? We’ve all heard of Steve Jobs at Stanford University, Stephen Colbert at Knox College, and even John F. Kennedy at American University in 1963. Looking at O’Brien’s speech in these contexts, certain patterns appear. It seems that the recipe for a great Commencement speech includes a famous personality, a poignant and relatable message, a self-reflective and humanistic narrative and, above all, a touch of humor.

My personal favorite comes from a column in the Chicago Tribune that reads as an address to the universal graduating class of 1997. In the piece, columnist Mary Schmich dispenses advice in a

stream of consciousness narrative, reminding students to enjoy the power and beauty of their youth and not congratulate or berate themselves too much.

“Don’t worry about the future,” she writes. “Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.”

It is important to remember that what makes a good Commencement speaker great isn’t how humorous they are or how much money they make in a year. A good Commencement speech leaves listeners with that perfect blend of nostalgia and anticipation, with excitement for the future and pride in the past. It has its ups and downs, humorous quips about excessive drinking and wild sex parties and thoughtful musings on what it means to pursue your dreams. But in the end, a great speech tells it like it is. The good, the bad and the ugly — nothing is left out and no facet of higher education left untouched. It fosters a collective solidarity that instills pride and hope for the extremely frightening future. The College has yet to announce this year’s Commencement speaker, and the entirety of campus, not least of all the Class of 2013, is waiting with bated breath. Perhaps this year Dartmouth’s speaker will once again make it onto the list of history’s greats.

6// MIRROR

Through the Looking Glass

THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS B Y J MICHAEL MENTREK All happy people are not alike. Part of this stems from the common misconception that happy people are happy all the time. I fully consider myself to be a happy person, but there have been times at Dartmouth when I have been far from happy, even when everyone around me seems to be having the time of their lives. I have also found myself most full of joy during terms where I entered with the lowest of expectations.

Nowadays, if I’m not smiling, people are often quick to ask me what’s wrong, simply because they see me as an optimistic and upbeat individual. Happiness is a challenging concept. Like a fingerprint, it’s not alike for any two people. Like sunshine on the Green, it can appear or disappear at a moment’s notice. Dartmouth, however, is a place that I equate with happiness, a fact that has greatly informed my last four years.

In light of this week’s events, our campus has been involved in thoughtful and productive dialogue around challenging issues. I have found myself confused, upset, hurt, sympathetic, emotional and charged, in ways that pushed me out of my comfort zone and into a situation that

I had not yet experienced here. One thing that I have taken away from this week is that everyone has his or her own Dartmouth experience. It is not my place, or anyone else’s, to discredit or disown that experience.

Instead, we are charged with acknowledging these differences and using them to grow as individuals and as a community. It seems that some of the major issues we are working through stem from a mutual lack of respect, and not on the part of one specific party.

Recognizing the spectrum of experiences and happiness, rather than attempting to package Dartmouth like an inflexible travel deal, is part of how we can foster this respect.

Through my work in the Admissions Office, I interact with a lot of prospective students. When I talk to them, I stress the importance of education and learning here at Dartmouth, but I highlight that so much my learning has happened outside of the classroom. I have learned so much from my peers, who have forced me to look at my life and my Dartmouth through a new and sometimes uncomfortable lens. While my experience may resonate with many of you, to those who it does not, I challenge you to consider what I have to say and learn from my vantage point. I am working hard to do

REBECCA SCHANTZ // THE DARTMOUTH STAFF

Interacting with unusal or unexpected parts of Dartmouth is an important way to find happiness on a hectic campus.

REBECCA SCHANTZ // THE DARTMOUTH STAFF

Mentrek said that while he has faced unhappy moments at Dartmouth, his personal committment to positivity helps him celebrate the beauty of his experience.

the same with yours.

Some of my most memorable experiences came when I broke out of my routine and found myself in new places with new people. When many of my closest friends left campus for sophomore winter, I envisioned myself withering alone in bed with nothing but a laptop and peanut butter pretzels. But I remember this term as one of my favorites, where I met new friends and began to expand the boundaries of my Dartmouth experience.

It might sound cliched, but disappointments and bad situations have so much to do with how you handle them. Facing them honestly and with a positive attitude not only makes them more manageable but also helps you appreciate the difficulties others are facing on this campus, and realize the importance of treating these difficulties with respect.

I’m a frequent guest of Collis Casino nights, and I’ve taken the Baker Bell Tower tour every term that I’ve been on campus. A sporadic day trip to Burlington ranks as one of my favorite days at the College, as does an afternoon where a friend and I dragged a futon onto the Green to recline in a new setting. Last Homecoming, I stood alone to watch the parade, soaking in every second of something I’d missed for the past three years. That night, I ran around the bonfire with my sister, thrilled to know that she had four more years at this school I call home.

My parents have always taught my sister and me to leave every situation better than we found it, a mantra that has guided me throughout my life. Over time, that’s evolved from picking up my toys after a game to wanting to make Dartmouth a better place than it was in the fall of 2009. I’m not naive or ignorant,

but rather choose to look at the world with the glass half full. Every day I make a personal decision to take in every challenging situation with as much positivity as possible, and to do everything I can to turn negatives into positives.

This is possible because of the wise words of my parents and the ways I’ve recovered from my negative experiences.

My time here has been far from perfect, and the setbacks I’ve faced have hurt me as much as the next person. But I have found here individuals who truly care about me and my well-being, who are so supportive and understanding. At a fundamental level, everyone deserves happiness, but that doesn’t mean that the world will hand it to you. I challenge you to commit to finding your own internal happiness, and to do everything you can to facilitate this happiness in others.

I don’t mean to say that people the world over don’t face insurmountable challenges, have reasons to cry or feel like giving up. But there is beauty here, and everywhere. By breaking away from what is expected of me, or what I expect from myself, I’ve found many of the people and memories that make this place something I treasure. Happiness exists all around us, and not just in the places we typically expect. If you are willing to get creative, the pursuit of happiness can be an incredibly rewarding journey.

Through The Looking Glass is a weekly feature. We welcome submissions from community members — both past and present — who wish to write about defining experiences, moments or relationships at Dar tmouth.

Please submit article of 800-1,000 words to mirror@thedartmouth.com.

MIRROR //7

COLUMN

COLUMN

MODERATELY GOOD ADVICE

LAUREN VESPOLI

GARDNER DAVIS AND

KATE TAYLOR

It seems like I’m not as involved on campus as everyone I know and feel like I should be doing more. Am I missing out?

— Under-involved Uma ’16 Gardner: Unless you’re a varsity athlete or taking organic chemistry, it’s easy to feel like you should be busier, especially since Dartmouth students have the tendency to tell you how busy they are all the time. I blame it all on the campus events listserv. In the olden days, circa 11S, blitzing out to campus was a harrowing ordeal that took hours. Sure, there was a lot of stuff going on, but you weren’t constantly berated with reminders of how much stuff everyone else had to occupy their time. The listserv has made it so that you can’t enjoy an afternoon of doing nothing without constant reminders of everything you could be doing. You’re probably not missing out.

Kate: I was once like you, Uma. In an attempt to feel more involved and Dartmouth-y my freshman spring, I started joining random clubs. And not just one, mind you. This snowballed until my senior fall, when I was essentially lost my mind. Eating every meal in KAF, staying furious at roommates for having the freedom to sleep past 7 a.m. and having breakdowns while watching “That 70’s Show” in the gym aren’t a good look on anyone. I advise you to choose a couple areas you feel passionate about and get involved in those. Don’t compare your activities to others, and don’t be afraid to take a term or two off from certain clubs.

Or, if you still feel inadequate in your involvement, just pick up one really facetime-y activity and refuse to stop talking about it.

Dear Kate, I just realized I say “haha” at the end of really depressing texts, is this a problem?

— Worried Wanda ’15 Kate: I would love to write a linguistics thesis called “LOL: Text-Speak’s Syntax’s Incorporation of Laughter as Self-Deprecating Ironic Distance and the Growing Fear of Social Intimacy in 21st Century America.” Chapters would include “Capitalization as Intent,” “Lolz,

Burgers Outside of The Bubble BY

WITH

Dear Gardner and Kate,

THE BUCKET LIST

Lulz, and Lawl: Bastardizations and Variations on a Familiar Theme,” and the ever important “The Sad ‘Haha’ Versus The Enraged ‘Lol.’” Unfortunately, I have never taken a linguistics class at Dartmouth and it’s my senior spring. Thus, my only advice is to try to limit yourself to one “lol” per text. If you aren’t careful all your friends will stop talking to you and you’ll have no one to “lol” with! That’s what happened to me, haha.

Dear Gardner and Kate, I’m a new officer in my fraternity and I can’t get the seniors to take me seriously or listen to what I have to say. Is there any way around this?

— Officer Ollie ’14 Gardner: You might not believe this, Ollie, but the seniors went through the exact same thing last year when they became officers.

Most of their hatred for the ’12s didn’t exist when last spring started, but the bonds were slowly eroded by tension over rules that the ’12s once enforced and knew they should follow but didn’t because they weren’t convenient.

While some ’13s will empathize with you, the vicious cycle will likely continue until the ’13s graduate. Try to appease them with small tokens of appreciation like getting detergent for the house laundry machine and food at meetings. But remember, it’s really the ’12s’ fault. It always is.

Kate: Sorry, Ollie, no sympathy here. You need to realize now that this is the only term of your leadership that you will not be struggling simply to keep your head above water. Complete whatever goals you have this term, while ’13s are distracted and you don’t have to deal with ’16s. I know you think that the ’13’s were simply incompetent and that you are going to completely revolutionize both your house and the Greek system as a whole. However, you are wrong.

Your senior winter, when you are on probation, awash with complaints and unsure if you are going to be expelled for an accidental “hazing” incident, think back to this moment and thank me.

Dear Gardner and Kate,

How far ahead of time should I ask someone to semi if it isn’t a given that we’re going together? Also, what is the appropriate amount of effort to put into costumes?

— Self-conscious Sidney ’15 Gardner: While some think it’s too over-eager, I think four days ahead of time is the appropriate window to ask a semi date. Semi season is filled with scheduling conflicts and you don’t want to lose your date to another semi or, even worse, someone else at yours.

Like asking a date to formal, I suggest you pick a time when you’re sure you won’t see them for the next eight hours then send an vaguely indifferent blitz, showcasing how little you care and not coming anywhere close to putting yourself out there emotionally. Kate will cover costumes.

Kate: There is nothing I hate more than semi outfits that don’t even attempt to be witty. I don’t care how over tly sexual you dress. If you aren’t fitting the theme in the most convoluted way possible, I hope your date makes out with someone else in front of you. However, it’s important to make sure you and your partner have similar levels of commitment to costumes. The ideal semi-match is into extensive mental effort over costumes, allowing for some quality flitzing. However, they are simultaneously averse to physical effort, meaning you can both wear slightly weird clothes with a sign explaining how clever you are.

Also, avoid facepaint if you’re going to make out with your date. That just gets messy, especially with the wealth of photos that will show up on Facebook in the next few days.

Dear Gardner,

There’s much that can be said about last week, but little that will make any sense. Between the Boston Marathon bombings, the subsequent manhunt that sounded like a plot for the next Denzel Washington thriller and the deadly explosion of a fertilizer plant in West, Texas, the Mississippi Elvis impersonator who sent letters poisoned with ricin to President Barack Obama and other officials hardly warranted coverage in last week’s maelstrom of bizarre violence. The end of the week felt near apocalyptic, especially in the sudden burst of heat, wind and ominously still-gray skies. We might be taking notes in class, preparing for the arrival of prospective students, running on the cracked country roads of Norwich or lying on the Green under the first rays of sunshine, only to have our lives jarringly juxtaposed with news of the bombing, missing suspects and the complete shutdown of a seemingly invincible city.

I found some comfort in a Friday evening drive up I-89, past the tinted windows of state troopers waiting off the curb, perhaps for speeders or fugitive suspects, to an old railroad freight house across the train tracks from the center of South Royalton. Within this little red shack are some of the purest, most succulent hamburgers one could ever enjoy. This carnivorous pleasure-town goes by the name of Worthy Burger. It’s one of those cash-only joints, with the menu on a chalkboard at the counter. The menu offerings clung tightly to the classic ground beef patty and fried potato strips, although there were lamb and veggie burger options and special truffle and Parmesan fries. Like the meat, the beer and cider selection was local.

I ordered a classic Worthy Burger with blue cheese and caramelized onions and explored the original condiment selection, which included spicy ketchup and spicy and pesto mayonaise. The burger, served medium rare in a wax papered basket, and a Vermonth-brewed Allagash White in a scotch glass labeled “Worthy Glass,” made it seem, for an hour or so, that things were going to be okay. Sitting on a patio with some of my roommates in that late spring light, as Vermont Law and Geisel medical students wearing party hats celebrated a birthday and started their weekends around us, the world spun on, and we laughed.

I’m not saying that in the middle of a devastating national tragedy, the most productive and helpful thing to do is eat a hamburger. I’m not trying to make a post-9/11 President George Bush “Go out and shop” point. What I am saying is that in the midst of a manhunt or worries about the safety of friends and family, or perhaps in the swirl of hateful remarks made under the guise of anonymity that accompany any campus controversy, it is worthwhile to get away from Hanover and enjoy a meal with people you love.

As someone whose love for red meat nears that of Ron Swanson’s, the Parks and Recreation character who once said, “Fish meat is practically a vegetable,” Worthy Burger had been on my bucket list ever since a friend gushed about her trip last term. The rustic, dive bar experience and the fact that we had driven almost 25 miles for the burgers made them taste even better.

Content after our greasy meal, we crossed the train tracks back to the car as dusk deepened around us. Back on the highway, we were happy and sang along to Beyoncé. Then a friend got a text that the remaining Boston bombings suspect had been located, but not yet captured. The static of AM news radio filled the car and we went silent, listening to the reporters’ distant voices on the way home. They had heard explosions; the suspect was hiding in a boat in some Watertown backyard, and he was not coming out. They would wait. Full yet alert, I was glad to be here, in this car with these friends, moving through the darkness toward Hanover.

I’m pretty busy and am thinking about dropping my PE this term and saving it for senior year when I have less going on. Would you recommend this?

— Junior Jared ’14 Gardner: Unless you’re really into overnight cabin camping trips in the dead of winter, absolutely not.

Please send pressing questions in need of moderately good advice to gardnerandkate@gmail.com. You can also tweet at us at @low_sinks and @ kate_h_taylor.

Courtesy of Worthy Burger

I found that leaving campus for a Worthy Burger with carmelized onions made for a welcome break from campus chaos.

8 // MIRROR

PROFILE

Putting the Real in Real Estate A Hanover real estate tycoon holds a large share of the off-campus housing market. BY AMANDA SMITH

NATALIE CANTAVE// THE DARTMOUTH STAFF

Student experiences with Jolin Kish ’88 Th’91 range from problematic and frustrating to pleasant and agreeable.

With ever y year at Dartmouth comes new experiences — after our first year here is complete, we bid our freshman floormates and pre-assigned roommates adieu, already having made decisions not just about whom we would like to live with, but where we would like to call home.

While opting out of the stresses that accompany room draw, some students adopt a more realworld approach to choosing their housing. Once the decision has been made to live off campus, the search for an apartment begins, and ends with a realization that in a town as small as Hanover, the pool of options is more comparable to the size of a fishbowl.

Renting property to about 300 tenants a year, Jolin Kish ’88 Th’91 could be called Dartmouth’s landlady. Kish founded her company, Kish Consulting and Contracting, over a decade ago with the intention of addressing the student housing needs that the College wasn’t handling.

“We provide the highest possible level of ser vice,” Kish said.

“We are not the most expensive, but we are not on the low end.”

A former tenant, RC Willenbrock ’13, commented on the significant power Kish has in Hanover housing options.

“It’s unreal that she has been able to build up such a monopoly around this area,” Willenbrock said. “She is a smart woman.”

Students appear to place priority on the cost of their off-campus residence, letting other factors fall by the wayside. With consistently high demand from students looking to rent off-campus each year, Kish’s success may be due to more than just customer satisfaction.

“Rarely are the units in good

condition,” Willenbrock said.

“But it’s alright, it’s just college.”

Willenbrock first rented from Kish two summers ago. He got a taste of real world real estate when he and his friends locked in on a place and decided to go for it.

“She had us sit through the whole hour-long lease-signing that no one listens to, and expects us to remember ever y detail from it,” Willenbrock said.

Though students may find the meetings boring or useless, Kish stressed their importance.

“We spend an hour going through five pages of a lease, disclosures, ever y piece of paper that there is,” she said. “I don’t just go through what I think should happen and how my lease works, but I explain differences you would see in a different lease in a different state, what parts of the lease are to protect you and the landlord. I really want ever ybody to understand from the beginning what the rules of engagement are going to be and that keeps things really simple because the answer is always the same.”

Though Kish has an established system, W illenbrock viewed his lease experience as quite flawed.

“Some of the things she [said were] just totally wrong,” Willenbrock said.

Zach Kamin ’14 reported having an agreeable time working with Kish last summer.

“I thought [Kish] ran through it with us in a ver y professional manner,” Kamin said.

Kamin felt that there was more built into his experience than a mere signing of documents.

“Her goal was not only to have us sign a lease, but also to teach

Courtesy of Mark Washburn

Jolin Kish started her Hanover real estate company in 1999, housing about 300 Dartmouth students annually. us something, which was great,” Kamin said.

Kamin noted that Kish sometimes spoke to him in a condescending tone.

“I took offense to it,” Kamin said. “But I also think she did her job, so I have mixed feelings about her.”

Kish referenced a set standard she adopts when working with clients.

“I attempt to be what one person once called me: strict but fair,” Kish said. “I think in order to be fair, you have to have a pretty clear set of rules that you apply uniformly to ever ybody, and if that means I’m strict, it means I’m strict. At least ever ybody’s expectations are met.”

Strict but fair, however,

doesn’t sit well with Willenbrock.

“She runs her business like a business, but does it in a way that makes it so no one likes her,” Willenbrock said. “She’s ver y professional, but in a ver y condescending and non-likeable way.”

Willenbrock’s stronger opinion stems from several occasions that relate back to Kish. On one occasion, after leaving some personal items outside his residence for one day, Willenbrock found a stranger loading his belongings into a car.

“I stopped him,” Willenbrock said. “He explained that he was Jolin’s father, that my things looked ridiculous outside, so he was just going to take my things to the dump.”

The situation escalated when Kish’s father refused to return W illenbr ock’s possessions, resulting in a phone call to the police.

“The police came and told him to give me my stuff back,” Willenbrock said.

Willenbrock’s experiences at his unit may not have always been pleasant, but Kish explained that she had some landlady horror stories of her own.

“You think you’ve heard it all, and then they have proven you wrong, and that’s what keeps it interesting,” Kish said. “For me, what keeps it interesting is that I really like being involved with the Dartmouth community and students, and that is the best part of the job.”