The Dartmouth 01/23/19

MIR ROR 1.23.19

IF I HAD ONLY LISTENED TO ... | 4-5

A GUIDE TO SURVIVING RBF |6

TTLG: THE OTHER SIDE OF FEAR |8 EMMA LANGFITT/THE DARTMOUTH

2 //MIRR OR

Editors’ Note

Picture Perfect STORY

MICHAEL LIN/THE DARTMOUTH SENIOR STAFF

As college students, we face a constant pressure to always be happy. These are supposedly “the best four years of our lives,” and we all know that time at Dartmouth goes by quickly. We are suddenly forced to grapple with not only the question of “What do you want to be when you grow up?” but also “What do you want out of life?” Happiness is an obvious answer — but a lot of us are still trying figure out what that means beyond finding out that the KAF line is short.

In this week’s issue of the Mirror, we explore the norm of our generation to pretend like every moment we live is “Instagram-worthy,” the constant battle we face between choosing happiness and success and the ways in which students cope with their first Dartmouth winter. We also take a moment to appreciate the little things that make us happy, since a fresh Foco cookie really has the power to turn any terrible day around. Take a break from your pursuits and read with us — maybe you’ll realize that happiness isn’t too far from your reach.

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Sitting in the library, surrounded by a mountain of textbooks on Theories of Government, I pull out my phone for some momentary distraction. I begin to scroll through my Instagram feed, mindlessly gazing at all of the expertly edited, effortlessly posed pictures that pop up on the screen. Sipping my cup of coffee, I pass pictures of gleaming bikini clad girls, friends clutching red solo cups and groups of attractive music festival goers. Suddenly my cup of King Arthur Flour leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. How can it be that these lives look so perfect? When do they have free time to do all these fun things? Are they actually happier than me?

While walking back from Sanborn, I told a friend about my solo cup and sunshine envy. It’s not that I’m unhappy at school; to the contrary, despite having been at Dartmouth for only one term so far, I have made some incredible friends, learned a lot and experienced real, true joy. But I am certainly not happy all the time. I have momentary flashes of anxiety, sadness and loneliness. But in general, am I happy enough? Is my smile as wide as that guy’s in the post I just passed?

In a confident voice, my friend told me that I had nothing to worry about.

She claimed that it’s just “Stanford Duck Syndrome” — a phenomenon she had learned from her father, a Stanford graduate. In the words of the Stanford Daily, the theory goes: “Stanford students are like ducks, seemingly calm on the surface, but paddling furiously to stay afloat.”

Basically, when applied to all colleges, the Duck Syndrome suggests that although students may seem perfectly happy and put together all the time, that’s only the tip of the iceberg — if you look under the surface, you can see that everyone is dealing with their own struggle to stay afloat.

We all know that online life is deceiving. The smiling faces and perfect snapshots I see on Instagram are curated and edited versions of

MIRROR EDITORS NIKHITA HINGORANI CAROLYN ZHOU ASSOCIATE MIRROR SARAH ALPERT EDITORS NOVI ZHUKOVSKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF ZACHARY BENJAMIN INTERIM PUBLISHER VINAY REDDY EXECUTIVE EDITOR AMANDA ZHOU

reality — they don’t actually show the full picture. Images of plastered smiles and “good times” are easy enough to capture on camera. Instagram is a platform that allows you to put forward the best version of yourself. Who in their right mind would post a picture of a four-hour study marathon rather than the photo of themselves posing with a glamorous celebrity?

But this leads to the question: why are we so determined never to let anyone see us sweat? What’s the obsession with presenting picture-perfect lives all the time? Why hide the reality of being a college student — or a human being — in general?

In the United States, the question “How are you?” is often met with the standard response of some variation of “Good!” — even if it has nothing to do with the truth. It seems like nobody wants to hear it.

But in other cultures, there isn’t the same pressure for forced gaiety.

According to U.S. News and World Report, in Latin culture, “Así, así,” which translates to “so-so,” is a common response. In Italy, it’s acceptable for the question to be met with “Così è la vita,” meaning “That is life, and we’re all in this together.”

Ask a Russian friend and you’re likely to get a sound from high in their throat, and falling in pitch, as in “I’m still alive, but not sure that’s the good news.” As a daughter of a Russian immigrant, trust me, they do this a lot.

Although it seems like a harmless norm, I believe that this pressured response reflects a larger cultural implication — Americans are constantly trying to hide any evidence that they feel anything but perfectly happy. But what are we so afraid of ?

Todd Kashdan, a professor of psychology at George Mason University, says the social pressure to be happy all the time leads people to look for quick fixes. This can then lead to a “comfort addiction” in which people try to find things that provide them short-term happiness because they are

unable to cope with the idea of feeling any other kind of emotion. And yet, due to the fact that they are only temporary fixes, people are worse off in the long run because they end up avoiding their real issues. Thus, the pressure of feeling happy actually causes us to detract from our overall wellness.

Svend Brinkmann, a Danish author and psychology professor at Aalborg University, argues that trying to always be happy also counters the way in which our world naturally works. He believes that if we continuously try to shut out feelings of grief and sadness, we will be unprepared for the tragedies in life that are bound to occur. Thus, when these events do happen, our reactions will be even more profound, and we will face a larger struggle to adjust to reality.

As a society, we are constantly told that happiness is the ideal. People who don’t naturally maintain a smiling face are branded “standoff-ish” or having “RBF.” Those caught crying in public are thought of as “attention-seeking” or “weak.” Articles flash on our phones and computers that promise, “10 habits of happy people!” “Scientifically proven ways to be happier!” “25 happy hacks!”

Well, I call BS: Always being happy isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Feeling sad or disappointed are necessary experiences. They cause us to be self-reflective and offer us the chance to change and grow. And without temporary gloom, how would we know what happiness feels like? In order to truly value the good moments, we need to have some bad ones too.

I’m not saying we should start posting pictures of our 2 a.m. anxiety attacks or tearful heart breaks. But we can all do our part to break the smiley face sticker addiction. Accepting that there will be bad moments that go along with the good is the first step to breaking the vicious “Am I happy enough?” cycle. And hey, maybe one day we will all realize that we are just ducks in a pond — each struggling in our own way — but all in it together.

A First Year’s First Frost STORY

1.23.19 VOL. CLXXV NO. 118

By Novi Zhukovsky

By Zachary Gorman

External conditions have major impact on our daily pursuit of happiness; that is certainly true with regard to the weather. When severe weather leaves us overheated or freezing cold, it is difficult to manage to have a happy, successful day. As Winter Storm Harper passed through New Hampshire, it was impossible to ignore the extreme effects that winter weather can have on our daily lives. Having to brace for

frigid air, bundle up in warm clothes and trudge through snow day after day is an experience unique to those of us who live in cold climates — and shocking to those who are new to such conditions.

That certainly applies to many members of the Class of 2022. In the fall, they were forced to adjust to the academic and social demands of college life. Now, just a few months later, they have to find a way to

become accustomed to the extreme cold of winter in Hanover.

Because Dartmouth students come to Hanover from all over the world, each student’s experience in adjusting to the weather is different.

Ned Stabnick ’22, a resident of Wellesley, Massachusetts, did not originally anticipate the need to adjust to the weather of an area so close to his hometown. However, SEE FIRST FROST PAGE 3

MIRROR //3

Winter Worries STORY

By Zachary Gorman

“I’m used to the cloudiness and it not being bright all the time … [but] I he soon found that conditions in also didn’t expect it to snow as much,” northern New England can be quite Kim said. “I just didn’t know snow in different from those in southern New this amount.”

Of course, having a wardrobe England.

“I thought it’d be about the same, suitable for a New Hampshire winter but it actually feels much colder,” is absolutely necessary for surviving Stabnick said. “On average, it’s been the freezing temperatures and heavy about 10 to 15 degrees colder. It’s snow. Hinojosa says that he had to buy a number of new clothing items in been really noticeable.”

Unsurprisingly, many students anticipation for a winter unlike anything he had ever experienced who come from warmer at home. climates than that of “I did have to buy M a s s a c h u s e t t s a r e “I just didn’t a whole new wardrobe for even more shocked know snow this type of weather since

by Hanover’s cold in this back home, on average in temperatures. Manuel winter, it’s … [in the 60s] Hinojosa ’22, who amount.” all the time. It’ll get down came to Dartmouth to the 40s, but it’ll go back from Texas, found it somewhat difficult to -MICHELLE KIM up,” Hinojosa said.

Kim finds that it is adjust to the new weather ’22 easiest to wear many layers at first. However, it of lighter clothing rather wasn’t the winter that than heavier jackets and was most surprising pants. to Hinojosa; despite “I just wear a lot the comparatively mild of clothes,” Kim said. “I weather, he found it more difficult to adjust to the weather usually wear two pairs of pants and during his first term at Dartmouth in three layers of jackets before I put on the fall. He also believes that older my big jacket.”

Though Kim believes she has Dartmouth students overstate the adjusted to winter in extremity of the winter Hanover fairly well over when describing it to the past few weeks, she incoming students prior “After [I is unsure of whether that to their first winter on graduate will help her prepare campus. better for future winter “[I was shocked] more from terms on campus. so last term,” Hinojosa Dartmouth], “I don’t know if said. “Right now I’m I definitely I can prepare any more kind of used to it even than I did this year,” Kim though everybody said want to go said. “But hopefully I’ll January would be the more south expect the temperature worst month, but I don’t drop a little more.” think it’s been that bad than New Dartmouth so far. Not as bad as Hampshire.” students are forced everyone made it out to to make the best of a be.”

Many other students, -NED STABNICK difficult, frosty situation.

Even after they are able however, are impacted ‘22 to make that adjustment, more heavily by the many students still believe brisk cold and heavy that they’d be living a snow of the winter term. happier life if they were Michelle Kim ’22, who in a warmer environment. is from the Seattle area, Despite being less than was originally surprised by how mild the weather was when 150 miles from his hometown, Stabnick she arrived on campus; however, she already feels as though he couldn’t put eventually realized that the colder up with Hanover weather for much longer than he absolutely has to. days could be difficult to manage.

“After [I graduate from Dartmouth], “When I stepped off the Dartmouth Coach, it was pretty moderate,” Kim I definitely want to go more south than said. “It was probably like [in the] tens New Hampshire,” Stabnick said.

Looking back upon the warm to twenties [degrees]. So it wasn’t too bad, but when it reached … sub-zero, weather of Texas, Hinojosa agrees that he would not want to deal with such it was kind of shocking.”

Due to Seattle’s notorious cloudiness cold weather after he graduates from and rain, Kim says that she became the College.

“I wouldn’t mind living here accustomed to inclement weather of many kinds before she ever came to temporarily, [but] not for the rest of my Dartmouth. However, she was not life,” Hinojosa said. “I’d like to go back to the warmth.” prepared for Hanover’s heavy snow.

FROM FIRST FROST PAGE 2

4// MIRROR

If I Had Only Liste STORY

By Cristian Cano

Breaking news: I am still looking for spring and summer internships!

Yes, even after changing my D-Plan to move my off-term from the winter to the spring to buy myself more time, even after six weeks of break during which I just laid in bed playing the new Smash Bros, I am still filling out applications for my off-terms!

I finally declared my major this term, only a full year after I was supposed to, and though I think I’m supposed to feel closer to choosing my eventual career now, I can’t help but feel further than ever before. Maybe it’s my uncommon choice of major — Romance languages with a concentration in Italian and Spanish — or the fact that I’ve been taking classes nonstop since sophomore fall, but something’s just not adding up.

Now seems like as good a time as any to imagine: what if I had just listened to that advice from that person? Would I be any better off than I am now? Barring the sudden invention of a time machine, there’s no way to know for sure, but surely something can be gained through thoughtful reflection … Right?

My Family “What do you mean, you’re children’s books and fundraising not pre-med anymore?” Yeah, no cigar.

Oh well, I guess I always will for Alzheimer’s research? Man, about that … Turns out, when you have the graduate school route. that sure sounds nice, but I’m decide to As long as I’m “in school” afraid I came to Dartmouth (partly) switch from in some capacity, the old to gain some more stability in a b i o l o g y "Oh well, I guess life, not leave with even less than major to a I always will have man will remain content.

I had before. Some people make Ro m a n c e My Friends the “I-am-my-own-boss” thing l a n g u a g e s the graduate Follow your dreams! work really well, and I’d be lying major, it’s school route. As Listen to your if I said I wasn’t a usually a long as I'm 'in heart, not your "There's little jealous. But good idea bank account!

I’m not ready to to let your school' in some nothing D o n ’ t s e l l take the road less f a m i l y capacity, the old like a fiery your soul to traveled, at least know. To be b i g - m o n e y conversation not yet, so you can fair, I was man will remain corporations! find me looking never really content."

I ’ m p r e t t y with some cose up job listings pre-med — sure if I pals to remind on FFB in the I was just listened to my meantime. another you of your friends, I would bio major be unemployed passions, of the Emails from trying to by choice, not spark that got the Center for keep his by circumstance.

Professional options open.

Development Anyway, if I had listened to my There’s nothing like you into this If someone family, I’d probably be on-track a fiery conversation school in the with some close pals c o uld please to become a doctor or a lawyer first place." to remind you of your explain to me what or something else that sounds “consulting” is, it “professional.” My dad never went passions, of the spark would be much to college, so sometimes I can’t that got you into this appreciated. When help but believe that doctors and school in the first lawyers are the only careers he place. On the other hand, there’s I was applying to colleges back in thinks people who go to schools a big difference between a healthy the day, I somehow missed the info like Dartmouth ever pursue. It’s amount of encouragement and too session where the phrase “liberal nothing personal against him, I much optimism, and sometimes arts” was explained (turns out, it swear, but this is also the same guy advice from friends tends to has nothing to do with politically left-leaning creative expression) — who thought my studying abroad resemble the latter more closely.

Who needs a job when you can and it seems like I’ve once again in Italy meant that I could now speak fluent Latin … Close, but backpack across Europe writing missed the part where someone

SUNNY TANG/THE DARTMOUTH SENIOR STAFF

MIRROR //5

ened To ...

SUNNY TANG/THE DARTMOUTH SENIOR STAFF

HEDER HAYAT/THE DARTMOUTH

explains to me what consulting business card? fiction about the power of kind, is and why most of our school is intelligent, ordinary people to obsessed with it.

12-year-old self overcome unsurmountable odds But hey, if I listened to all of I recently got a message on without losing their hopeful but the CPD emails that I receive, I’d Instagram from a girl I went realistic worldviews. probably be much closer to finding to middle school with. She was Pretty original, huh? spring and looking through her summer old yearbooks, and 7-year-old self internships. "I won't pretend to she found a whole 7-year-old Cris defin itely At the very understand the buzz pile of had no idea l e a s t , I ’d letters I had "If I listened to what kinds of surrounding the h av e h a d mailed her jobs were out my 12-year-old my resume formal recruitment during the there. If you r e v i e w e d process, but I do s u m m e r . self for career had asked me on a regular You know, advice, I would what I wanted basis, had know that a lot of because to be when d o z e n s my friends have snail mail 100 percent be I was older, of Skype was still a doing something I would have pretty nice-sounding thing, and interviews probably artsy. I was a ( d r e s s e d internships lined up I wasn’t given the f o r m a l l y ... " a l l o w e d huge bookworm, t y p i c a l only from to have a so maybe I would answers like the waist Facebook. firefighter up) and I f I have been an o r c ro s s i n g attended listened to author." guard. more info my 12-yearI sessions old self m i g h t h ave than I for career also said that want to advice, I I wanted to be even imagine. I won’t pretend to would 100 percent be a superhero. understand the buzz surrounding doing something artsy. I Or a movie the formal recruitment process, was a huge bookworm, so s t a r. O r a but I do know that a lot of my maybe I would have been video game friends have pretty nice-sounding an author. My favorite authors character. internships lined up … were — and, if we’re being honest, Is it too late to hand out my still are — Lemony Snicket and 3-year-old self business card?

Markus Zusak, so I would probably Definitely a video game … Is it too late to make a have written some fantastical character.

6 //MIR ROR

A Guide to Surviving RBF STORY

By Katie Cline

Resting B— Face. Resting ... Badat-being-happy Face. At least, that’s what I think it stands for. I don’t really understand it. This affliction is detrimental, not really to those who have it — like you, my dear reader — but to those around you who must live with the burden of you refusing to smile at them. Your lack of exuberance upon making eye contact with others can have the horrifying effect of making them feel like you don’t care about smiling at them. Tragic.

Seeing as I’ve never been upset in my entire life, I can’t fathom having a neutral expression that is not a teethbaring, muscle stretching grin. A complete lack of experience with any emotional default other than happy makes me certain that I am qualified to give advice to those wayward souls who suffer from RBF. I know I’m not a medical professional but, like, this is good advice. Hopefully this will cure you.

Step 1: Stop being so pouty. No one likes girls who sort of don’t frown but also aren’t technically smiling. Turn that neutral look of ambivalence into a big smile! Come on, whatever personal crisis is happening in your life

right now can’t be more important than the fact that you’re not smiling at every tour group passing you on first floor Berry.

Step 2: Forget about silly things like your biology midterm. Aren’t there like four more of them before the end of the term? Yeah, yeah, you might be trying to concentrate on the 134 pages of reading due tomorrow, but prioritize. What’s more important — maintaining your GPA or having people think you’re not constantly in a state of euphoria?

Step 3: If we’re being honest here, “studious” is just code for boring. If you’re not going to smile at people at all times, then the least you can do is find another way to express that you’re capable of positive emotions. For example, try wearing bright colors.

Maybe invest in a shirt that says, “Sorry about my face, I’m smiling on the inside.” Alternatively, consider wearing a party hat to let people know that even though your face is not cooperating, you really are a fun-loving person. (Tying a balloon to your wrist is also a good way to

signify this.)

Step 4: Another way to circumvent your facial muscles is to simply take a few minutes at the beginning of every social interaction to let your interlocutor know that you’re happy, you swear. Unfortunately, most accounts of RBF are by terrified bystanders who catch a glimpse of someone just doing work or, horrifyingly enough, minding their own business. Do not fear, this can also be remedied by explaining your severe condition to the entire room. It is most effective to make this announcement once when you enter a room, and then again whenever a new person walks in. (Slideshow presentations are encouraged!)

Step 5: If RBF is a chronic condition for you or your loved ones, consider intervention by a professional. Go to your local catcaller and ask his opinion on how to seem more approachable. If you don’t have a local catcaller, don’t fret! Find the person closest to you who has uttered the words, “I’m a nice guy!” They will instruct you on how best to arrange your face, so it

looks like you’re actually very excited to see him.

Step 6: A quick and easy at home fix for RBF is to simply take some tape and affix it to the corners of your mouth. This will not actually change your face but, hey, at least you’re smiling now.

Option number two is to wear clown makeup. A warning, this method is unfortunately quite noticeable and those around you may become displeased with how transparent you’re being. You don’t want people to know you’re actually trying, right?

Step 7: Yes, face-to-face is one of the most affected forms of communication when people suffer from RBF. But did you know that your lack of visible enthusiasm can also translate across multiple other platforms? This is why it is helpful to keep in mind come basic tenants of being happy when texting in a group chat or sending emails to professors. Here, within this step-by-step guide of how not to be a gremlin in person, I have included another step-by-step guide of how not to be a gremlin in writing.

A. Exclamation points! So many of them!!! If you think you’re using enough, you’re wrong!!!!!

B. I was just wondering if it would be at all possible for you to use about 10-15 hedging phrases while writing questions or stating information you already know to be true? Just in case.

C. If you ever make the grave faux

pas of correcting someone else, ensure that you include, “but I could be wrong I don’t know, hahahaha!”

No liability here!

Step 8: On that note, when talking end every sentence as a question? Even if you know the answer? Never speak in the imperative? Maybe they’ll just think you’re confused?

Step 9: Apologize for your lack of visible happiness. Come on, who knows how many people’s day you’ve ruined by not smiling at them? Are your feelings even real if other people can’t immediately tell you what’s going on in your own head? This is a personal affront that can’t be ignored. What if they think it’s about them? The strife!

The hardship! The anguish! Anyone not looking inherently pleased even when not interacting with other people is clearly just spreading bad vibes. Ugh, the inconvenience.

Maybe you should just apologize for your presence in general. And any of your self-perceived faults. And while you’re at it, apologize for everyone else’s faults too.

Step 10: Stop pretending like you’re capable of complex emotions. We all know that no emotion besides happy and bad at being happy can exist in your pretty little head, sweetheart. For God’s sake, just smile, it’s not like you’ve got anything else going on.

SHARON BIAN/THE DARTMOUTH

MIRROR //7

All the Small Things STORY

By Christina Baris

I was always taught to measure going out to dinner and laughing my success in life through happiness. about stupid jokes with friends are.

When the pressure of academics At Dartmouth, it is easy to or confusion of adolescence hits, I mistake activeness for happiness. would ask myself the all-important The constant motion of our fastquestion: “But am I happy?” paced, 10-week terms allow for While that question is certainly little down time to pause and reflect. not the easiest to answer, it forces us Therefore, it is worthwhile to stop to reflect on what happiness means and ask yourself, “Am I happy, or am to us. Is happiness something we can I just busy?” This is not to say that ever truly achieve, or is it something happiness and busyness are mutually we can only chase — something that exclusive, but the presence of the reaches us in waves of fluctuating latter does not necessarily indicate intensity? the former. Finding the time to “do Happiness is such an abstract nothing” is a severely underrated concept to grasp, so it is helpful to source of happiness. investigate it through a much smaller During school, when academic scale: the little things that bring us joy. stress and fears about the future We can escape through become apparent, the extracurriculars, get “You achieve small moments of life lost in a really good seem to fade. With book or find comfort happiness every course we take, in a carefully curated when you there is pressure to music playlist. Amidst out every detail stop wish[ing] plan our hectic daily of the time we have left routines, it is easy to you were here and maintain a lose sight of smaller somewhere certain goal to achieve, sources of happiness, such as a future career. such as the sight of else ... ” For some, like Austin snowfall illuminated Zhang ’22, “goals by street lamps, a funny in life” are vital to text from a roommate -BLAKE DANZIGER avoiding unhappiness. or waking up to an ’22 However, he is still able email about a canceled to realize that everyday 9L. occurrences can also Sometimes the big be sources of joy. picture can cloud our judgment.

“If it’s only the big things that We focus on big dreams of changing matter, then you’ll only get the the world, but it is also necessary to gratification that comes from big find happiness in our smaller, more things,” Singareddy said. “You’re personal successes. This dilemma going to be so caught up with getting yields the question: at Dartmouth, there that you’re not going to be a community of driven individuals happy.” with big aspirations, is it really the Distance is also able to make the small things that matter most? heart grow fonder. Spending time For Chithra Singareddy ’22, away from Dartmouth during breaks happiness is the ability to enjoy what always makes me appreciate my time you’re doing. When asked what made here a little more. During my first her happy, she had a simple response. winterim, I found myself missing “Hot chocolate, cats, watching the small things that I never realized the snow fall, reading a good book, brought me such joy: notes from my cuddling, seeing my parents and roommate, late nights at Collis, study watching good movies,” Singareddy breaks at King Arthur Flour and even said. the caffeine-induced all-nighters in Ostensibly, these items and actions my dorm. Outside of Dartmouth, may seem mundane, yet they incite what makes me and many other joy in ways that bigger things cannot. students happy is the fact that I can Similarly, Blake Danziger ’22 look forward to coming back. defines happiness as satisfaction with At the end of the day, maybe one’s current state. Spending too Blink-182 is correct, and life really much time yearning for the past or is about “all the small things.” While future is destructive to happiness. It it is important not to lose focus of is crucial to appreciate the present. our goals, we must take a break to “You achieve happiness when you appreciate the little things that are stop wish[ing] you were somewhere hidden in plain sight. Maybe that else or were doing something else,” means that we should take in the Danziger said. beauty of campus as we rush from Danziger also stresses the our 10s to our 11s or cherish the importance of finding happiness both time spent listening to music with when you are alone and when you our floormates. As annoyingly cliché are with others. For him, relaxation as it may sound, happiness really is and having time to myself are sources all around us — all we need to do is of happiness just as spending time, stop and look.

BELLA JACOBY/THE DARTMOUTH SENIOR STAFF

8// MIRROR

TTLG: The Other Side of Fear STORY

By Marie-Capucine Pineau-Valencienne

My mother always said that Dartmouth before I even stepped you need darkness in order to fully foot on campus. I wanted to be part appreciate light. At 10, 13, 15, even of the paper before I even knew I at 18, I did not like this analogy. I did wanted to write. The Dartmouth is not want any darkness to infiltrate my where I got to know myself as I writer, shining future, my glittery dreams of where I met small bits and pieces of a fabulous college life and plans of a the person I would become. It was successful career thereafter. I did not there that I realized I loved to tell understand that sometimes happiness stories, even little ones hidden amid is not what we imagined it to be. interviews and information, written Sometimes it happens not in ways in between the lines. that we want, but in ways we need.

My interest in writing soon At 18 I went to drama school. I overflowed into my academic life. wanted to follow my dreams. While In my Victorian literature class all my friends were off to university, I sophomore fall, our professor gave was preparing for a very different kind the class two options for our final of adventure: a gap year in New York assignment: a traditional research City at a dramatic arts conservatory. paper or writing an original short Drama school taught me many things. story imitating the style of one of the I learned about self-reliance, trust and authors we read. In a leap of faith never being afraid I chose the latter, to try, no matter and there the seed “Dartmouth has the outcome. Most of creative writing importantly though, not been easy. But was planted in my I learned that I didn’t mind. I watered the best things want to be an actress, that seed during but that I wanted never are. My my sophomore to tell stories in a mother taught me saunmimn teror d tuackt oi nr gy different way. And it was Dartmouth that that. And my God, creative nonfiction showed me how. has it been worth cn oo nuf ircst ieo.n , mI ny I’ve wanted to come to Dartmouth it.” passion bloomed. ever since I was The class English a child. When I 80, “Writing and transferred at the -MARIE-CAPUCINE Reading Creative beginning of my PINEAUNonfiction” (now sophomore year, I Creative Writing was looking for a VALENCIENNE ’19 10), was one of the place that would most influential and challenge me important passages academically, for of my university a commun ity of c a r e e r, a n d by likeminded students extension my life. and for opportunities beyond the It was there that I discovered the classroom. But what I have found is depth of my passion for storytelling, much greater. At Dartmouth I have for words. It was there that I fell in found a place I can call home, and love with Joan Didion. It was there even more importantly, I have found that I told stories that were true — myself. but this time they were not hidden Dartmouth has not been easy. between the lines. It was there that But the best things never are. My I fully grasped the importance of mother taught me that. And my stories, of writers and that I could be God, has it been worth it. Coming one too, one day. And it was there that to Dartmouth from the American I learned that I could tell my own.

University of Paris challenged me in It wasn’t long before I decided to ways I had never experienced prior. pursue a concentration in creative Dartmouth set a new bar for me to writing within my English major. strive for. Here, my professors ask me I began scouring through the to see, to consider, to question — they English department course listings, ask me to think. One of the most where I found one of the most meaningful academic experiences challenging classes I would take. In at Dartmouth has been discovering intermediate nonfiction I learned myself as a writer. The school has how to investigate, to put myself in enabled me to kindle a passion, to someone else’s shoes. I learned how leap head first into something I had to tell their story, while also telling cast aside — something I was a bit my own. This class required me to afraid to encourage and very afraid to talk to real people and discover real showcase. I have always been inclined stories. I was scared at first. Very to write, academically and personally, scared, actually. But overcoming my but it was at Dartmouth that I have discomfort ultimately made me a been able to nurture my passion for better writer. creative writing. Here, I have been Every creative writing class I have given the tools (and strength) to learn taken throughout my collegiate career and to expose my work, and in turn has taught me something different. myself.

Just when I think I know how and I knew I wanted to write for The what to do, I am humbled by my peers

COURTESY OF MARIE-CAPUCINE PINEAU-VALENCIENNE

and challenged by my professors to do more, better my craft and go the extra mile. Creative writing classes are where I recognize the girl I was before, full of life and fear. The girl who went to traveling boarding school, moved to New York City at 18 and Paris at 19. I am still full of life, excited and hungry and passionate, but now I understand the value of that fear. That darkness is there for a reason. That my mother was right.

As she always is.

There are many things I wish I could say to myself at the beginning of it all, to the girl fresh to Dartmouth, barely younger, but miles away from me now. I would tell her to listen carefully and see things clearly.

I would tell her, you’ll go to a performance sophomore winter and you will be very uncomfortable and you will leave before it’s over. But before that, there will be an empty stage and souls being undressed right there and a girl will say, “I love Dartmouth. But let us not be afraid to criticize it, because in loving it, let us aim to make it better.” You’ll wince at these words and you won’t understand but they will echo in your ears for years to come. I can’t remember the girl’s face, there is a blurriness attached to a body and a stage, but I do remember her words.

Her voice. You will love it here too, I would say to myself, but in loving

it aim to make it better. Nothing is perfect and you’ll understand that here. Nothing is perfect, even a dream that comes true.

I’m getting ready to leave undergraduate life behind, and I am scared. But there is comfort in fear. The fear of the unknown, the excitement of standing on the precipice of change, toes almost scraping the edge, is sweet, almost sublime. I am reassured in knowing

that I will be challenged, that I will be pushed in ways I have yet to experience, that it will be hard, that there will be some darkness. Because that is how I will come to appreciate new light. As I reflect on this time in my life, I am thankful. I know what is waiting for me on the other side of fear. Myself.

Pineau-Valencienne is a former member of The Dartmouth Senior Staff.