The Best of Enchanted Conversation 11 RULES OF RESPONSIBLE FAIRY GODPARENTING

by JUDE TULLI

Welcome to Fairy Godparenting school.And congratulations on being accepted. That you’ve made it this far in the process to certification meansoneoftwothings:

1. You’re exceptionally giving and hard-workingor

2. One or more of your ancestors were Fairy Godparents and you don’t know what you wanttodowithyourlife

I know that hardly sounds fair, but it’s the way life works. You need to know these things if you’re going to do any good as an FG. Let’ssee…thereare1,2,3…oh,about20ofyou here today? Let me assure you, only one of you willgraduate.

Don’t worry; we don’t use the word “flunk” here. Many of our dropouts become healers or royal consultants. You have to love FGing or you’ll simply burn out. I know Cinderella made it look easy, but honestly most of your protégés will disappoint you. Hers was truly the “Cinderella story” of Fairy Godparenting.

You’re probably wondering about it now more than ever so I’ll put the rumors to rest. YES, once upon a time, I was Cinderella’s FG. But let me assure you, she was one in a billion. The everyday experience of all FGs involves heftydosesoffailureandfrustration.Overeating is not actively discouraged as a coping mechanism.Whichremindsme,FGand copingmechanism.Whichremindsme,FGand student dinner party Friday at 7:00. You’re all invited.There’ll be at least forty different kinds of cheeses! Bring your questions and real live FGs will regale you with their most colorful stories.Spoileralert:mostendinheartbreak.

Now before we get into our case studies, we need to start with the basics. There are11principlesthatguideeverythingwedoas FGs. Actually there are 1,007, but like I said, we start with the basics. Plenty of time to look into a career in stage magic after the introductory class. I don’t want to scare you all away just yet.The school has to keep the lights on somehow and the queen won’t let us raise ourtuitiontwentyfold.

In an order that makes sense to me but won’tmeanmuchtoyouyet,herewego:

1.Beautycomesfromwithin.Youcan’t project it where it doesn't already exist. A monster will only look more monstrous for your efforts no matter how hard you hit it with yourmagicwand.

2. Research, research, research. Watch how each potential protégé reacts to different situations. Does he or she give too much? Ask too little of others? Meet cruelty with generosity? Perfect. Don’t be creepy; just gathertherelevantdata.

3. Never FG for yourself. It’s not right

by Lissa Sloan

and it won’t get you your heart’s desire. No matter how badly you want the Fairy Godfather of Lillington to notice you. He’ll just take one look at you in all your magnificence and say, “Brokerulenumber3again,didwe?”

4.Youcan’tFGforsomeoneyoualready know. It just doesn’t work. Like the time my niece demanded an extension after midnight. It ended with a ruptured spleen and six months of bedrest.AtleastIfinallylearnedhowtoknit.

5. There are no small wands, only small FGs. It’s not how much magic you have; it’s what you do with it that counts. I once turned a frogintoaprincejustbyaskingifhereallyliked thetasteofflies.

6. Expect nothing in return. Don’t even expect to feel good about yourself for helping. People’s propensity for self-sabotage will never cease to surprise you. Frogs’too. I told him not to lick the princess’eye but he just said, “Ribbit ribbitribbit.”

7. Grant their heart’s desire or nothing. You're not helping otherwise. If you gave Cinderella a hoard of gold she’d just let her step-family spend it all. The best gifts are non-transferable.

8. Magic is neither a toy nor a game. Don’t leave your wand lying around where an infant or toddler can get to it. And never drink and cast. Trust me; the ruptured spleen was nothing.

9. Animal labor is not free. If you turn lizards into footmen, they charge by the hour. It comes out of your expense account at first, but onceyougooveryourbudgetitcomesoutof your pocket.And yes, you have to pay them the same wages to wait around behind the scenes as you do for face time. As a side note, I don’t recommendusinglizardsforanythingunlessno recommend using lizards for anything unless no other animals are available. They blend into their surroundings so well it’s terribly hard to findthemwhenyouneedthem.

10. It’s not about you. If you’re having fun as an FG, you’re doing it wrong. It’s not about you getting to go to that ball you missed out on when you were younger. Don’t grant what you would want. Grant what your protégé needs. Give what's right to give. From dress cuts to shoe styles. And glass slippers are no longer allowed. They conjure too much expectation. Not to mention the newer ones break all the time. Nothing spoils a budding romancequickerthanhigh-pitchedscreamsand bloodyfootprints.

11. Exceptions are the exception. There's always an exception. But they’re called exceptions for a reason.They’re rare. Run your thoughts by a more experienced FG before you get creative, especially in your first hundred yearsofpractice.

The clock striking noon means we’re done for today, so away with you before you turn into pumpkins. Just kidding! I’ll see you all tomorrow when we’ll cover the 12 basic tenets of FG magic and the 13 reasons magical deadlinescan’tbenegotiated.You’realsoinfor a treat: a former protégé of mine turned part-time FG will give a presentation and answer your questions. Hint: Her name sounds abitlike“mozzarella.”

Thesweetmorningcame

Thedayhadarrived

Myhoodcoveredmyshoulders.

Ibidmyoldlifegoodbye

Withoutasecondlook

Iwalkedoutofmyhome

Tobuildalifeoutside

Facetheworldalone

Istruggled,heaved,andtugged

ToproveIcanwithstand

Thestormsthatlifethrows

Byitscruelhands

Manyyearshavepassed

Sincethatfatefuldaycame

Myhandsarenowwrinkled

Butpassionstayedthesame

Dangerscamebeforeme

WiththeroadIchose

ButneverwillIlookback

ToletgoofwhatInowhold

Hereinthisbrickcottage

Iwritepoetryhereandthere

Joyfillsmecompletely

Iseeloveeverywhere

Timegoesbyquickly

Liketheclockisbeingchased

Daysmovewithaspeed

Pushinglonelinessaway

Idefiedgrandmother’srule

Gotoutofdangerunscathed

Iprovedmyfortitude

WhenIsteppedofftheforestpath

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