The Fat Head April 1 2021

Vol. 420, Iss. 69 ¦ Monday, April 1, 2021

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STANFORD WANNABE After trying to rename William & Mary Stanford University, Rowe backtracks after plagiarism allegations NATHAN GREENE // F*CKTHEFLATHAT

W

illiam & Mary President Katherine Rowe apologized for plagiarism allegations on Thursday, Wednesday, March 31 April 1 after her controversial announcement that she had ordered the Board of Visitors to rename “Stanford University,” a name which is incidentally already taken by an institution in Palo Alto, California.

“

William & Mary needs to completely redo its image, Rowe said.

There s no better way of doing that then changing our name completely, & after careful consideration, we think the name Stanford encapsulates that. It s not like that s already taken, right? Right?

“

̶ Prez Rowe

At a socially distanced press conference outside

the President’s House, Rowe said that the College needed to rebrand itself & be more like an elite, private research institution in Northern California, a vibe which she said reminded her of something but she couldn’t quite place her finger on it.

“William & Mary needs to completely redo its image,” Rowe said. “There’s no better way of doing that then changing our name completely, & after careful consideration, we think the name ‘Stanford’ encapsulates that. It’s not like that’s already taken, right? Right?”

Midway through the conference, an aide approached Rowe’s lectern & whispered something into her ear.

“Fuck,” "F---," said Rowe. “My bad on that one.”

In an incident dubbed ‘parallel thought’ similar to the incident with Tribe Athletics last semester, Rowe had already unveiled plans to change William & Mary’s mascot to a fir tree, coincidentally also identical to the real Stanford University’s current mascot. As of press time, the College’s website had also been redone in a red & white color scheme & was not yet changed.

Students thought the incident was indicative of plagiarism at the College’s highest administrative levels, though most agreed they couldn’t really give a crap fuck what the school was called after years of being told to call it a “university” in rambling emails from staff.

“It’s pretty embarrassing,” Hair Clogan ‘22 said.

“First we have to pretend we’re UVA by calling ourselves a ‘research university.’ Now we have to go out & try to be Stanford? Christ. Give it a break.”

After apologizing for the incident, Rowe clarified that academic buildings commemorating racists would still not be renamed.

“Come on now. Keep dreaming folks.”

IS THIS #DATA?

By ThE nUmBeRs First person reads print version of the Flat Hat in 2 years, wins $10,000 Flat Hat has record high of 4 visitors to the website Facebook comments peak at 10,000 angry alumni 72% of Swampy Memes content pulled from Flat Hat articles Number of nervous breakdowns on staff: 44

The Fat Head quarantine edition

Sorry that you re reading this right now. This is almost more embarrasing for you than it is for us. Let s just keep it between the two of us, and never talk about it again. K? Thanks.

Nathan Greene Chief Complainer Banana Oustani Raid Director Billy Bob O Donnell Vinho Verde Gal Yung Trout Glory Hole Associate The Goose She Does All Everything Fine s Mom Pasta Maker

Inside Campus

Inside BOV

Bougie house grows even more

The College has announced plans to expand the Alumni House again with the goal of making it the largest building in the Western Hemisphere, spanning from Yorktown to New Kent County. page nonexistent

CUTE COUPLE COURTESY / ONE-CAN-DREAM.COM

The Reveley Griffin cozies up to the Stanford tree, whispering sweet nothings in its branches.

CLASSIC WM STUDENT ISH

Students fight for change, switch stances at a moment’s notice

WM students quit on campus jobs in solidarity with NTE faculty, immediately seek rehiring for vaccine eligibility as a university employee TWAMP WHO CARES LOOKING FOR VALIDATION

Students found themselves in limbo this week as they immediately raced to be rehired as campus employees so they could qualify for a COVID-19 vaccine, only hours after quitting their jobs in solidarity with non-tenure eligible faculty members, who may be laid off due to budget cuts.

The Fat Head heard from dozens of students who said that they quit their campus jobs to demonstrate their support for NTE faculty members, who have encouraged students to put pressure on administration in any way possible to keep them on, including quitting part-time positions at

BOV makes one wrong move after the next, desperately claim UVA over WM

The Fat Head spoke with several Board of Visitors members, who after weeks of criticism from students, are now defensively saying they only accepted the job because their board position at UVA wasn’t coming through. page imagined

Swem, Sadler & Campus Center.

These same students told The Fat Head that they immediately regretted their decision after realizing that some university employees technically had priority in receiving the COVID-19 vaccine.

“I used to work at Swem for like an hour a week before I quit to show how much I care about the NTE faculty who got fired,” Sally Goody-Goody said.

“But then when I went to try & register for a COVID vaccine using some link on the dark web, it told me that only university employees were eligible.

So I just emailed my boss groveling for my job back.

Which like, sucks for activism, but who needs advocacy when you got

that Moderna good good?”

NTE faculty members weren’t surprised to see that their students gave up on things so quickly.

“I can’t get half of my students to complete a damn discussion post on Blackboard,” history lecturer Billy Bob O’Connell said. “Do you really think I was dumb enough to think they would follow through with anything, especially if a vaccine was in the mix?”

As of press time, more than 500 William & Mary students had been rehired at their jobs, & almost all of them were in line for a vaccine in Hampton.

Four hundred of them had shared infographics on Instagram earlier that day about racial disparities in vaccine access.

Inside Sports (admin s one true love)

Look what advocacy can do!

An exciting milestone! Save Tribe Swimming has now raised more money than humanitarian aid for the ongoing civil war in Yemen. page probable

smite me god

The stories we didn t have enough copy to fill a column with so we made it a blurb instead.

This is what burnout looks like. Wanna give me pass/fail now, Peggy?

Fat Head Editorial Board reflects on the rise of new media sources on campus...lol The Editorial Board of the Fat Head would like to thank one of campus s newest media organizations for diverting hate comments to a newspaper that is actually bad. For years, Swampy Memes has had no one to blame except the Fat Head. Botetourt Squat has always maintained its superior position, & the Fat Head recognizes it is fighting for last.

However, sometimes the Swampy Memes made us feel sad. We go into a fugue state every Monday to make this paper, & it is never as good as the Botetourt Squat. And sometimes that really stings, because all of us have problems with external validation #unhealthy #therapy.

However, we can finally feel good about ourselves by comparison. The semi-hard work of the Fat Head (remember when we wrote that article about the Griffin Balls?) is unremarkable, but at least we don t literally insinuate abortion is the same as genocide. So, like, goals?

To be honest though, we d probably rather back to being the worst newspaper on campus again. We are comfy being made fun of and we d rather people complain about our gloryhole articles than feel genuinely unsafe because of the rising tide of conservative free speech, or whatever we re calling that bullsh*t these days.

Also, by the way, the Editorial Board of the Fat Head would like to apologize for our former editor in chief saying a police officer was hot that one time a few years ago. This does not reflect the position of the Fat Head. We have disaffiliated with this member and he will take this time off as an opportunity for learning & growth.

Tips on how to study abroad during the pandemic Don t.

Local cat turns out to have committed Watergate :/ Nixie, a beloved local cat on Nelson Lane, announces she is an ardent Trump supporter & avid fan of Tucker Carlson. Her full name is, in fact, Nixon. Students question their relationships with this beloved icon.

Nervous about the fact that you re only getting tested for COVID like two times a semester?

Game the system! Whenever a friend gets prevalence tested, just spit in their mouth beforehand. You ll get your spit tested for rona too, and it s a super cute way to bond with someone new <3

In another twist of the knife, College revises pass/fail policy for spring 2020, fall 2020 Earlier this week, the College of William and Mary decided to be quirky and refuse to grant students a revised pass/fail policy for the spring 2021 semester, stating that doing so would be bad for our future professional performance and graduate school apps.

After students said literally anything but that, please, I swear to god I m dying, the College came out with a revised statement.

Unfortunately, this statement retroactively repealed the revised pass/fail policies in place for the previous two semesters, which enabled students greater flexibility with taking courses on a P/F basis. Now, all students who opted to take a class P/F during spring 2020 or fall 2020 will have their transcript revised to reflect the actual course grade they got in the class, representing the ultimate middle finger to weary students.

You little complaining sh*ts, the College s statement read. How do you like us now?

Upon hearing that Student Assembly planned to conduct a referendum on the issue, the College threatened to just straight up fail everyone if student demands continued.

The Fat Head ¦ Thursday, April 1, 2021 ¦ it s 2 pages you don t need a page count

MOLD DO BE WACK Y ALL

Richmond Hall COVID-19 quarantine building infested with mold

Administration encourages adding asbestos to the mix, calls it a cocktail REPORTER WITH BREATHING ISSUES DON T CRY IN RICH. HALL HAHA YOU TOO SEXY

After months of using Richmond Hall as the university’s designated quarantine housing, the College formally endorsed the stance in a press conference on April 1: “well, if they already have a respiratory illness, how much additional harm can mold-induced asthma really cause?”

“Before the pandemic hit, we were faced with the difficult decision of which students we would subject to the medical consequences of intense mold exposure. In a way, covid has made our lives easier — if students already have a respiratory illness, how much additional harm can moldinduced asthma really cause?”

Administration also expressed that if students were irresponsible enough to catch a rapidly circulating virus, they probably deserved unsafe housing, anyway. Actions have consequences, & lung damage is certainly a proportionate response to students catching covid from their essential work. The value of “flourishing” is of course important, but it’s crucial to remember that students can flourish with or without lungs.

Another point to consider is the numerous benefits of living in Richmond Hall. When will students ever again have the opportunity to live in an abandoned motel? The College has

always excelled in presenting students with novel, unique experiences, & living in a dank, biohazardous motel is a perfect example of this tradition.

It is truly a living, learning community where humans & mold can come together.

How’s that for a cross-cultural COLL 300 credit?

Students have been presented with a fascinating research opportunity, in which they can test the interactions of mold & covid-19 in their own bodies, in real time.

This cutting edge research is exactly what the College embodies & stands for. Some universities offer undergraduate research, but only at the College can students experiment with their own health, bringing the lab into their homes.

COURTESY PHOTO / WM.EDU

Real photos of the state of the art housing in Richmond Hall

A REAL SPORT

William & Mary community college’s recent “All-In Campaign” Under Fire from students

HAHAHAHAHA why are we trying to be a sports school? Our brand is nerd + daddy issues SAMMY MASSIVE RESIGNED ATHLETICS DIRECTOR ;) Students had angry reactions this week to the announcement of William & Mary’s campaign to raise 55 million dollars to ‘save’ athletics. (Because apparently, the like 2 million dollars wealthy alumni donated wasn’t enough? How expensive is it to swim?

Can’t you just like do laps in the Crim Dell?). Students pointed out the literally 10 million things that are more important than athletics: keeping on NTE faculty, mental health resources, dorms with air conditioning, & renaming the buildings to not honor racist assholes.

In response to the angry Twitter storm approaching the Wren Building, William & Mary Interim Athletic Director Richard Grocok said, “First of all, when people think about W&M, they think about athletics. Athletics has always been the biggest part of our image, & it’s really important that we have the funds to maintain it.”

The office of the Ombudsman fact checked this claim, & not one person interviewed connected William & Mary to any athletic team. One student responded “wait, we have a sports team? I thought they made the stadium to have socially distanced classes.”

Returning to Grocok with these facts in hand, Grocok admitted that the real reason Athletics began this fund was to get money from wealthy parents to pay for their students to get into school. “Remember that whole Olivia Jade scandal? We’re close enough to USC in rank that wealthy parents will pay for their kids to come here. It’s not like our sports teams are recruiting good players anyway. At least this way we get a lot of money, & the kids get a chance to get kinesiology degrees.”

Grocok & the Athletic department have been collaborating with the admissions department to funnel wealthy parents straight to coaches. An unnamed source at the office stated “Honestly, even if it’s a really strong application, if the parents are in the top 1% of income, we send it straight to like, the baseball coach. Pretty much anyone can swing a bat, & those parents donate, like, so much money.”

Both the Admissions & Athletics department had no answer to why this money (even if obtained through sketchy means) couldn’t be used for literally anything besides Athletics. Basketball coach, Dieter Tolmon, said “I suggested first that we use

the money to build a new basketball stadium. Here at W&M, we do the first come, first serve system when it comes to allocating funds. Also, Kaplan’s kind of ugly, so it’s really a public service.” His salary was also raised to 1.5 million dollars, raising questions of financial equity in the whole department.

In response to the gross corruption of the Athletic department, students have sworn an en-masse exodus, & planned transfers to the University of Virginia. Wait until they find out about how much the Athletics team gets there.

“

Honestly, even if it s a really strong application, if the parents are in the top 1% of income, we send it straight to like, the baseball coach.

Pretty much anyone can swing a bat, & those parents donate, like, so much money ̶ Richard Grocock

“

BLABS

Broke College Student Steve McGee pls_venmo_me@gmail.com @im_poor_loans_suck

WHY ISN T IT MAY 22 YET

Students who hate their families come out against grad plans Students with distant fathers, irritating mothers, gross siblings contract COVID to cancel Commencement BANANA OUSTANI LADY OF THE SUNDIAL In response to the recent decision to host several in-person Commencement ceremonies in May, students who hate their sh*tty families have been desperately trying to become infected with COVID-19 so rising case counts on campus will force the university will cancel any in-person graduation activities.

As of now, the current plan is for students to graduate in smaller, in-person ceremonies over the weekend of May 21-23 with four guests allowed for each student. However, these plans may be cancelled or postponed if COVID-19 numbers continue rising on campus, which lord knows they will because we’re all horny,

sad, and want to drink.

Students who absolutely hate their families and want nothing to do with them at graduation in May were dismayed to hear the news.

“I came to college exclusively to get away from my parents, my snot-nosed little brother, and my racist grandma” Ashleigh Green ‘21 said. ”Now you’re telling me they’re gonna be able to come to Williamsburg in two months unless things here change? Hell no.”

Immediately after being interviewed by The Fat Head, Ashleigh drove to a local brewery (you little bastards know which one) and contracted COVID about 25 minutes later, upping the College’s dashboard count by one.

“Let’s see them do graduation in person now,” Ashleigh said. “I dare you.”

WE WERE TOO LAZY TO TAKE OUR OWN PHOTO / WM.EDU

This year s graduation ceremonies in Zable will mark a special first for many students on campus, who would rather selfimmolate than watch more than 7 seconds of football.