Fat Head Exclusive >> PAGE 69
FBI Director James Commie’s Secret Tinder Found
Vol. XXX, Iss. YY | Friday, April 1, 2015
The Fat Head Your #1 Source for Alternative Facts
at The College of William and Mary
PLEASE
Reveley definitely not racist
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Dan Phallic ‘88 named Vice Provost for Diversity and Inclusion
Facebook-loving alum takes aim at special snowflake millenials and their bs pc culture ALUMNI MCMONEYSBAGS ACKNOWLEDGES WHITE PRIVELEGE
President cites 1960s Princeton education as source of colorblind openess to black friends KJ ROLLING YIK YAK TASK FORCE MEMBER Addressing concerns leveled at him by the campus’s Black Lives Matter protesters, President Reveley told a crowd of students Sunday that he is, in fact, not a racist. “I’m the least racist person there is,” he said, adding: “Could a racist have had four black wives?” Reports of the President’s marriage to the latest Mrs. Reveley had been leaking for months. Following three previous marriages and divorces, Sunday’s speech to students marks the first official confirmation. Students seem not to be convinced by the telling admission. “I’m not sure he gets it,” Jenny Jennifer ’17, a Black Lives Matter organizer, said. Jennifer noted that Black Lives Matter had submitted a list of ten demands to the president’s office as part of their March conference. While the group hadn’t mentioned Reveley’s marriage situation, they did recommend the College appoint a vice provost for diversity.
Black Lives Matter said that they had hoped the College would have taken more direct action to improve the lives of black students, faculty, and staff — noting that in a recent national survey, a majority of black staff had said the college was a “racist snake pit.” Asked whether they’d recommend the college as an employer to a friend, 72 percent of black faculty said “Man, I told you not to go into that house.” After the speech, the President introduced his wife and three ex-wives, reminding his audience with increasing bravado: “I have color too! I have color too!” Though he declined to provide the names of his wives, or indicate how long ago the marriages had occurred, the President did make sure to tell his audience that each of his current and former wives were “articulate” and “handsome,” while reminding them that in addition to his past interracial marriages, he also had a black friend. When one of his wives asked whether she could address the assembled students, the President quietly told her that he doesn’t do well with demands, and ushered her back inside.
“The president has taken a bold step today to further the work of the task force on race and race relations,” chief of police deb cheesebro said, saying she hoped the betrothal would finally end the campus’s “attitude” problem. Another Black Lives Matter organizer, Jeff Gordon ’15, said he thought the president’s office was using the opportunity to avoid doing real work to end the systemic racism on campus. Addressing the President directly during the speech, Gordon asked: “You’re renaming a building. You’ve marrying four different black women. When will you confront the entrenched donor interests and do the hard work of addressing this College’s roots in racial oppression and make the college a more liveable, enjoyable place for black people to live and work?” As is his custom, the president promptly fainted upon hearing the question. “He is in great health, just one too many daiquiris at lunch,” college spokesman Brian Bananas said in a statement, adding: “He didn’t say anything about his black friend again, did he?”
Following last week’s meeting with Black Lives Matter organizers College of William and Mary, President Taylor Reeves has announced plans to move forward with one of the group’s demands. Notable Alumni and Millennial Expert Dan Phallic ‘88 has been named the College’s first ever Vice Provost for Diversity and Inclusion, in order to make campus a more okay place for students of color. Despite his initial refusal to deal is “demands”, Reeves soon came to the conclusion that the best way to make himself look semi-decent was to do the bare minimum and quickly put together a half-assed initiative to find a white dude to tell people of color what’s best for them. College administrators expressed excitement at Phallic’s appointment citing his high levels of engagement with current campus bulls**t. “He’s really the best person for the job,” said BOV member Griffin McTribesman, “His insights into the minds of the young people on this campus will help William and Mary combat this culture of political correctness and safe spaces that seems to running rampant in this damn country.”
An almost constant presence on social media, Phallic says that he has learned about what students need from his lengthy conversations held in the comment sections of several Facebook pages including “Overheard at William and Mary “(RIP) and The Fat Head itself. “There’s just something special about monitoring the liberal pc trash on this campus and educating them about how their special snowflake status isn’t applicable to the real world,” said Phallic while angrily scrolling through his timeline, “I’m really grateful for all the time I’ve been able to spend arguing with twentysomethings at all hours of the day. Sure, it irritates my wife when I’m furiously typing comments at 3am, but educating the younger generation is a real priority of mine.” Reeves said Phallic’s familiarity with losing Facebook arguments makes him perfect for the job, “It takes a special person to consistently make themselves look like a fool without loosing their gumption,” said Reeves, “I’m not sure why a grown man has so much time on his hands but I suppose even the best alumni have nothing better to do.”
HELP.
I DON’T
Campus bully bigoted against bigots
President Reveley refuses to pay, promises retaliation
Beware the facebook upon which the sun never sets SEAN SPLICER FOR THE BOWLED
Rallying an assembly of his adherents, campus bully and spiritual leader spoke Tuesday about the need to address the growing threat of kappa delta’s tasteless playlists. “Anyone who has ever looked into the glazed eyes of a soldier dying on the battlefield will think hard before starting a war,” he said. “And I have saved the receipts.” The spiritual leader, who spoke to a reporter while the fate of the playlistcreator lay, fragile, in his hands, said he did not take his influence lightly. “The great questions of the day will not be settled by means of speeches and majority decisions,” he said, offering up his hand in a “thumbs down” formation, indicating to his supporters
Inept Reveley Board of Visitors WMPD Student Assembly City Council Banner Sodexo
the fate of the playlistcreator. The spiritual leader, the powerful political boss who in recent years has become something of a cult leader, stood motionless amid a bank of computer terminals where feverish freshmen carried out his political bidding. “Those who view my Facebook statuses will kneel before me,” he said. “Those who click my tweets will tremble where they stand. My instas will blot out the sun.” Saying that he hoped his work would make campus life difficult for bigots on campus, the spiritual leader added that he would not stop until systemic discrimination was rooted out on campus. “Also, we’ve got to get rid of all those bigots,” he said.
Today’s Weather 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
CW Wall to be “so, so beautiful” DICK CHENEY JEB 4 PREZ
The Colonial Williamsburg Foundation announced earlier this week that it has plans to build a large wall around the historic area in order to force people to buy tickets to enter the property. The Foundation President held a press conference Saturday describing the plans. “I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively,” he said. “I will build a great, great wall on our Boundary Street border, and I will make William and Mary pay for that wall. Mark my words.” The wall would block illegal entrance into Duke of Gloucester Street as well as from the side streets around Colonial Williamsburg. With his remark on the College paying for it, the Foundation President incited College president Tay Reveille to respond. “We will not pay for any goddamn wall,” Reveille said. “This border wall is an insult to the community and to the
COURTESY PHOTO / BRITISH GENERAL CORNWALLIS
Proposed security enforcement plan presented by the Colonial Williamsburg Foundation.
College.” Upon realizing students would probably still be able to get in with their William and Mary ID cards, Reveile continued. “It’s still some bulls**t and a waste of money,” he said. “How about you spend money on bringing people together and inviting them in rather than keeping people out?” The Foundation President has not swayed from his
Inside GREEK LIFE
convictions and does not appear to care about saving the traditional Williamsburg aesthetic any more. Citing requirements for the wall to be 30 feet high and ‘beautiful from the CW side,’ the wall appears more and more ridiculous. If the wall goes up between CW and the rest of Williamsburg, it will not stop illegal entrances, just make people find more creative
ways to get in. The Foundation President believes the plan will generate jobs and save millions, when really it could cost the whole foundation on which the colonial town stands. When asked about it, Foundation President had put one thing to say. “We’re going to make Colonial Williamsburg great again,” he said.
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Srat Signs or Gang Signs? The Fat Head investigates.
Campus sexologist definitely f**ks Like, definitely. (Photo is actually him, btw.)
100% Chance of Special Snowflakes
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