The Fat Head
Vol. STD, Iss. 1,00,00,0.4 | Tuesday, April 2, 2012
Faculty
The Once-Yearly Parody Newspaper
of The College of William and Mary
Fatheadz.cum | Follow the leader.....
apocobricks
Canakis campaign caught in hand jobfor-vote scandal Committee plans sanctions, STD testing by kaveh sadoifhkjdfnadjslfhasdu fat head chief correspondent
In an Student Assembly election plagued by instances of rule violations, failed complaint and allegations of bribery for the campaigns of Dallen “The Hammer” McNerney ’14, Noah Kim ’13, Grace “Come at me bro” Colby ’13, Curt “Pretty boy” Mills ’13, and Dalpert ’13, the campaign of Andrew Canakis ’13 is finally embroiled in a bribery scandal of its own, after Canakis was accused of offering “expert” handjobs in exchange for votes. Canakis, who wrote a series of misogynistic and controversial sex columns for The Flat Hat in early 2010, articles whch included tips on how to avoid “grenades” and one which indicated “a hand job is a man’s job,” ran for the presidency of the SA and – until today – was one of the only campaigns not maligned by allegations of electoral malfeasance. The program, referred to internally as “Hands for Fans” was discovered by Fat Head journalists after leaked emails showed that Canakis attempted to sway voters with his professional quality handies, in blatant violation of SA election code 61.7 on “Bribery in the form of Manual Sexual Stimulation,” measures passed after the controversial 2008 election. The review board has indicated that Cankis should have “blown or gone home.”
bitchesn shyt / THE FAT HEAD
All these people ran for SA president. Who cares???
Reveley: Just burn it all, burn it College president swears to ‘dismantle this unholy place brick by brick’ BY harry pottah fat head twamp-In-Chief
College President Tayor Reveley’s ambitious plan to “dismantle this unholy place brick by brick” and “scatter what remains like so many ashes in the wind” is already well underway, College spokesperson Brian Whitson reported. “We’ve already started pulling up brick by Jamestown North, and I’m sure everyone has noticed the destruction of random fields of grass by construction equipment,” reported Whitson, smiling proudly. The measure to annihilate this monstrosity of a College and replace it with a hopefully barren and lifeless landscape came about after last semester’s viral video sensation which showed William and Mary students storming Swem Library like rabid, frothing Black Friday shoppers. “When I saw that video,” Reveley told The Fat Head last December, “I could taste blood in my mouth and the rage inside me. Much like the noble Dr. Frankenstein, I realized I must destroy this, my creation, with my own bare hands lest it destroy this world.” Reveley was later seen personally ripping up bricks outside Monroe Hall in a fit of rage on the way to a Board of Visitors meeting. At that meeting, he showed the perturbed Board the video, of students,
FUQ DAT SHIT / YE OLDE FATTUS HEAD
If you don’t think this place is full of TWAMPS, just look at this photo. Quidditch??? This shit is serious. No joke.
gnashing at the teeth to try to get a study room so they could avoid showering for days, toppling other students in the hope of claiming a single space, and
carrying sleeping bags with no sense of shame at all. The disgusted board immediately voted to “Burn it down. Just… Burn it all down.”
Social awkwardness even more prevalent than feared BY dicken cheyney fat Head bitchapotomas
Approximately 80 percent of the student body at the College of William and Mary may be suffering from undiagnosed Social Awkwardness Disorder, according to a study released by the National Institute of Health. Social Awkwardness Disorder, or SAD, is characterized by continual public shoe-gazing, extreme reticence among members of the opposite sex and compulsive avoidance of casual conversation. When sufferers do engage in social activities, they often do so only as members of study groups or teams that practice fictional sports. About 2 percent of the national population is believed to suffer from SAD, with the numbers a bit elevated among teenagers. But the prevalence of the disease at the College, which NIH researchers discovered while visiting as part of an unrelated campus lecture series, is being called an epidemic. “Walking around campus, it was as if the descriptions in my med school psych text books were being personified,” research team leader Don Sinclair said. “Nearly every single student I attempted
greeks
to engage displayed undisputable symptoms of SAD. The numbers were shocking; I would not expect this pervasiveness even if every student at William and Mary had been homeschooled in Arkansas.” Reporters were not able to successfully interview any potential SAD students due to their refusal to make eye contact. SAD sufferers often fetishize about events normal individuals consider trivial, a quality Sinclair observed among students hunkered down in front of Swem computers with good luck charms and nonperishable food items days before their registration periods opened. He noted that a few students were even wearing adult diapers, presumably so as not to risk losing their territory. Numerous hypotheses have been proposed to explain how the SAD population of the College has grown so tremendously and yet gone undetected for so long. Parents protective of their SAD children likely pretend that nothing is amiss while the kids are growing up and encourage them to apply to the College when it is time to leave high school, since they will be less likely to stand out there than at a more typical institution. Once at the school, SAD students are often able to hide
bullshit
their hermit-like symptoms with the alibis of pollen allergies and having to study. One researcher, Sarah Smith, believes it can be explained by a combination of mislabeling and natural selection. “The College seems to celebrate what it calls its culture of ‘quirkiness,’ which is in fact, of course, a high concentration of what is colloquially known as ‘weirdness,’” Smith said. “In a strange reversal of typical public health patterns, the presence of SAD on campus has not been stigmatized, but rather honored to a degree that actually ostracizes individuals who exhibit normal behavior. As years pass and increasing numbers of SAD people inhabit the campus, fewer and fewer students with normal social skills are attracted to the College. It’s a vicious cycle.” While they agree it is an unprecedented phenomenon, medical professionals have not reached a consensus about how to address the problem. The prognosis seems grim, but Sinclair offered a hopeful note. “Maybe it’s nice that all these SAD kids have found each other,” he mused. “It creates a sense of camaraderie. Like in a leper colony.”
breaking newz
Exiled greek orgs launch College addresses controversial Virginia Informer history of Disney’s ‘John Carter’ scores impossible to a fleet of 1,000 ships Historically awful movie flick causes College to respond get interview with former editor BY broah kim fat head greek
And those of Unit K, The Sigma Chis, who dwelt beyond the Units J through L; these bros were led by Broseph Joe and the little of valiant Hassand, dear to Bros, who quarrelled with his Big, and went to settle in Laffayette Avenue. With him there came 40 ships. Greggles led the brave Theta Delts, who held Unit C, with its dumpster, and portions of the Ludwell Apartment complex in the region of Seven Hundred. These were led by Bane, peer of Ned’s Younger Brother in counsel, and with him there came 12 ships. Phi Tau, which dwelt in Various locations around off campus including Lafayette, Griffin, and Armistead Avenue, for the great bro king Oeneus had now no littles, and was himself graduating, as was also golden-haired Meleager, who had been set over the Phi Taus to be their chapter president for the time being. And with Phi Tau there came 40 ships. The famous pong player Frat Scott led the ATO’s, who held portions of Ludwell, and that house on Lafayette that the online editor of this Fat Head has been permabanned from. All these were led by Frat Scott, and by Kai, peer of Flip Cup champ Stevie. And with these there came 80 ships.
Incest News Insight News News Opinions Variety Variety Sports
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WEATHER
BY barack obama fat head prez
The College Of William and Mary announced today that it planned to address the College’s controversial history of involvement with Disney’s new film, John Carter. “The College of William and Mary wants to take concrete steps toward reconciliation,” College President Taylor Reveley said. “While I know the generations of hurt by our involvement with the production of John Carter can never be forgotten, nor can the $200 million projected loss of the film’s failure ever be recompensed, we hope our involvement in this flop can be understood and interpreted now.” The film, which has been regarded as anything from “a tragic failure” to “a war crime” by critics, contained a single scene where the nephew of the title character
receives word of his uncle’s death while studying at William and Mary. “I am so sorry that I, or any of my predecessors, allowed this abomination to take place here,” Reveley said.
It was a super hard-hitting exclusive, as usual BY shady joe fat head drug dealer
haha yeah / THE FAT HEAD
Yeah seriously, hfjdkshfjksdhfjdsfjkdshfjdshfjkdshfjhdsjkfhjsdkhfds, hcdschsdjahfsdjkfhsd fdsf.
super boring opinions
CAMPUS FOOD SUCKS OMG
...and so does parking. omg. and the SA sucks. omg. and twamps suck too. yeah. everything sucks. page 9 and 3/4
Sportz r kool
In a stunning piece of independent journalism, The Virginia Informer scored the juciest interview of the year with its former executive editor Curt Mills. The Informer spilled the interesting details of its interview in its groundbreaking question and answer style. The interview, which was HARD-HITTING and very hard to get, asked the tough questions: “Are you great, or are the greatest?” and “What makes you and your vice-president a great team” and “What are your plans for this summer?” Two of which were actual real questions.
Curling is a real sport
William and Mary’s semi-pro club junior varsity curling club competes in the national championships in Timbucktu. page ????