T HE FAT HEAD
Vol. 2oz, Iss. 80085 | Tuesday, April 5, 2022
The Annual Student Newspaper
of This God Forsaken Institute
flathatnews.com | @botetourtsquat
SQUIRREL NEWS
Squirrels terrorize students: haunt our dreams ALESSIA SHARTPOP THE FAT HEAD
Years ago, the students of Jefferson Hall captured a squirrel, killed it, and stuck it in the freezer on the second floor. Although the hooligans did not get to eat their prized catch in the stew of their dreams, their actions did have a lasting effect on campus here at the College of William and Mary. It’s kind of like when you kill a cockroach. The squirrel juices sent a signal to all of the squirrel brethren who live here, calling for attack on the students inhabiting their rightful land. And since then, they have been plotting. The first sign of the squirrel-pacalypse was the squirrel who had no regard for its own life when it had the opportunity to kill a student in cold blood. I will call this squirrel Jimmy. Jimmy leapt into the path of an innocent bike rider — I guess they exist — with the intention to create such a bump in the road that she would flip over her own handlebars. Thankfully, Jimmy isn’t a good shot. He missed his target, and she lived another day. The student can no longer travel to that side of campus, though, so maybe Jimmy had a small win. Then, there was a shift in the squirrel energy surrounding the site of the original crime, Jefferson Hall. It was a warm spring night, the sun setting almost like a movie, but the movie was about to change genre. When the student stopped by the trash can to throw away her drink from dinner, a squirrel, let’s call this one Jeff, hurled itself out of the can, hitting her in the arm. She started hysterically laughing and crying at the same time. Legend has it that Jeff haunts her dreams. I think I’ve seen her flinch at every trash can on campus. Jeff did his duty. The squirrels will not rest until students abandon this campus once and for all. Do we root for justice or the perpetuation of the TWAMP race?
GOODWILL GARLIC GIRLIE / THE FAT HEAD
GOODWILL GARLIC GIRLIE / THE FAT HEAD
Behind Closed Doors: The birth of Fat Head: A story of enemies to lovers: Flatthew Hatthew and Squatman Mansquat (Flat Hat x Botetourt Squat) (nsfl) (rated x) (au) Fat Head Editorial Board
In the beginning, God created heaven and the earth. Then he created a divine entity commonly known as Flatthew Hatthew (he/him). Hatthew was the paragon of journalism, all that was factual and true in the world. For some reason unknown to man, Hatthew really enjoys swamp weather and sought residence in Williamsburg, VA. He found the humidity and asbestos comforting, despite their detrimental effects to his pages. One hundred years after the creation of Hatthew, and unbeknownst to him, God created Squatman Mansquat (all pronouns). Mansquat embodied all that was opposite of Hatthew, eschewing journalism and ethics and working for cheap laughs and vague references while willfully transacting in disinformation. Initially, Hatthew found Mansquat to be little more than a nuisance. He was only a child, not a competitor in news or staff, and kind of ugly (Hatthew, it should be said, is a beacon of perfection and beauty). Eventually, as he grew older, Mansquat proved a thorn in Hatthew’s side, but like a really really small one that was fairly easy to ignore. Plus he got hot. But that thorn was growing and growing until one day, the day, everything came to a head. That day God came to Mansquat and Hatthew to announce the creation of a new minor deity. It would be named Wrenjamin Journal (it/its/ abor/ted) and represented a small, unwonted, and downtrodden group. God told the two older deities that it was their duty to raise Wrenjamin to become yet another respected publication. Mansquat and Hatthew were split over the rearing of Wrenjamin. Mansquat wanted to teach it the ways of disinformation and bad memery. Hatthew wanted to enforce strict values and ethics, never leaving room for fun. The two fought fiercely and their battle created the depression we now know as Campus Center. Eventually, with their strength exhausted and little to show for it, they agreed to leave Wrenjamin on the Grim Dell mattress, an
unfortunate amalgam of its adopted parents and a sign of what happens when mixing fact and fiction.. Left to its own devices and ignored by its parents, Wrenjamin managed to cause more memorable kerfuffles to the swamp-dwelling humans of Williamsburg in its two years than all the actions of Hatthew and Mansquat in their combined 124 years. In those two years, Mansquat and Hatthew had grown and changed. The experience of rearing a child had left them forever intertwined. This was best reflected by the decreasing clarity between fact and fiction, and evidenced by the mixing of acolytes between Mansquat and Hatthew. While Wrenjamin laid waste to the world above, all was quiet in the basement of Campus Center. Flatthew and Squatman had moved in together and shared an office, computers, chairs, and even a bathroom. One day on their shared printing schedule, Squatman and Flatthew were distracted from their work, entranced by each other’s fonts. While converting Flatthew’s InDesign file to a pdf, Squatman joked, “Quote me like one of your french girls.” But it wasn’t a joke. Flatthew looked up from the computer screen into Squatman’s deep, hypnotic swirling eyes (they really do swirl, like a melting chocolate and vanilla soft serve swirl in a cardboard-flavored sugar cone on the Ocean City, NJ boardwalk in late August of 1995 as you wait expectantly, hornily, for the mainstream US premier of the New Zealand Muppets satire film Meet the Feebles next week). Flatthew flew across the desk to Squatman’s supple and nubile 100-year younger body. “Is that a stray Oxford comma in your pants or do you want me to fill your pages in the Campus Center bathroom next to the piss fountain?” Squatman, a really remarkably and concerningly large, massive even, fan of piss culture, was frozen with anticipation. “I’ve never wanted anything more,” he managed to squeak
out. Flatthew gently took Squatman’s calloused hand and sprinted out the door, eager for physical contact. Squatman, for his part, was eager for the sex too, but mostly to drink from the piss fountain after completion as a way to top off Flatthew’s creamy, flavorful fish dip. The two quickly went at it, Flatthew naturally taking the lead and dominance over the inexperienced Squatman. “If you can take a beating on Yik Yak you can certainly take this beating,” growled Flatthew before he lifted the plastic press pass from around his neck and flogged Squatman’s center fold. Squatman let out a moan so great it caused the first major earthquake in Virginia’s recent history, a 6.9 on the Richter scale. Virginia wasn’t the only thing quaking on that fateful evening as black, white, and read-all-over confetti flew between the two. The periodical passion only lasted the attention span of their readers — that’s to say a few seconds — but for Flatthew and Squatman, those magical moments were enough to renew their relevance for the next centennial. With a final grunt, Flatthew filled Squatman’s pages with his sticky, probably radioactive, schlong sludge. Squatman’s thin paper dripped with a mix of sweat, ink, and both deities’ love liquor. As they wiped themselves clean, Flatthew and Squatman did not notice willymilk concoction begin to swirl, transcending beyond the newspaper pages, much to the likes of Squatman’s enchanting eyes. As Squatman bent down for his post-coital drink, savoring the flavor of Campus Center piss filtered back through the water fountain, some of their combined juices fell into the piss. Squatman walked away satisfied and unaware of what he had inadvertently helped create. In just 12 short months the product of that Fatius Headius was born and today your eyes grace his pages. And I bet you like that you’re reading some piss cum paper you deplorable little Twamp (derogatory).
Wellness center to offer homeopathic treatments for COVID-19
Please god donʼt send me any angry emails Iʼm tired of hopping on Zoom calls with yall TAKE A WILD GUESS FAT HEAD DRUNKARD
Monday, April 4, the College of William & Mary’s wellness center and CBD dispensary announced that it would be prescribing ivermectin for students diagnosed with COVID-19. “It was an easy decision, because there’s absolutely no evidence that it works, but there isn’t evidence that it DOESN’T work,” Wellness Center representative Clare Mydia said in a statement scrawled on 18th-century papyrus. This statement is categorically false, as proven through multiple FOIA requests to the university, which show emails with subject lines such as “Andrew Wakefield was Index At Your Moms House
Inside Your Walls 2 3 4-7 8
right” and “nobody will get this reference, please take it out of the article.” In addition to the Ivermectin, each student will also receive a complimentary DVD of Joe Rogan’s anti-vaccine screed, combining both an outdated mode of technology with problematic content in a way that only William and Mary can. Alongside the questionable treatment, the Student Health Center will be administering sneezes directly in the mucous membranes of uninfected students. According to Flat Hat reporting, over 100 students have been sneezed on in the past 6 years. “It’s better than a vaccine!” Mydia said. Upon the Flat Hat’s criticism of this tactic, pointing out that the Wellness Center probably should not be encouraging sneezing on
Behold: The wisened viasage of former Fat Head Editor-In-Chief Larry Hogan
other people, Mydia protested. “Listen, WE don’t sneeze on people. We send people to the state-sanctioned sneeze room where they get sneezed ON. There’s a difference!” The Wellness Center also boasts its vast array of essential oils which serve as a panacea for sick students. “And the best part is that if you recruit other people to get the essential oils, you get a cut of the profits,” Mydia said. “We don’t see anything wrong with that at all, why are you pointing to a diagram of a pyramid?” From Flat Hat investigative reporting, we can conclusively prove that the Wellness Center is also receiving funding from the Sackler family, whose devastating promotion of opioids caused a crisis across the United States. Inside Anybody
Please Iʼm begging you I’m so lonely god please someone let me in I’m just trapped in the pages let me be trapped in you instead
In leaked emails uncovered by our news team, Vice President of Wellness Suitman McGee contacted the Sackler family with one plea: “please get these students to shut the fuck up.” Heavily drugged and smelling like peppermint oils, the William and Mary student population is healthier than ever, despite the fact that they all desperately need therapy for their daddy issues. Unfortunately, the therapy wait time is currently over 5 years, meaning that “that guy” in your government class won’t stop being an insufferable dickhead for many years to come. But hey, some grapefruit essential oils may help.
Inside The Folds
See ESSENTIAL OILS page 8
Two in the Pink Time One in the Stink Time A profile on Candice Large (Dick fit in yo mouf )
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I think I would want to die at 80 ... unless I was an aerobics instructor
Do you want to print willfull disinformation in The Flat Hat?
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OVERHEARD IN THE OFFICE
THE FAT HEAD
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| Tuesday, April 5, 2022 | Page 2
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b00bsinsight b00bs “ “
Fat Head Editors: Claire Hogan, Rebecca Klinger, Matt Lowrie, Alyssa Slovin, Jamie Holt, Zoe Beardsley, Adithi Ramakrishnan, Emma Ford, and Kim Lores
Commas are for pussies
FLAT HAT NEWS BRIEF WMPD urges: kill your local indie soft boy In a statement released Monday, WMPD shocked students by encouraging direct violence against a group dubbed “indie soft boys,” in what has been described as a hate crime against 80% of the men of the College of William and Mary. “They’re a menace, with their chunky knit sweaters and lace-up boots,” the statement read. “If they tell you about their spotify playlists and their parasocial relationship with Car Seat Headrest, shoot them on sight.” As the organization most directly affected by the proclamation, WCWM put out a statement in response. “We refuse to kill off our members simply because they are, well, insufferable,” the statement read. “Our college has a rich history of aiding and abetting insufferable people, and it’s important to uphold that tradition.” READ MORE AT FLATHATNEWS.COM ACAB: ALL COPS ARE BRISKET (SWEET BABY RAYʼS) / FAT HEAD FOUNDER & DISCOVERER
A THOUSAND WORDS
GOODWILL GARLIC GIRLIE / THE FAT HEAD
LESLIE DAVIS / THE FAT HEAD
CORRECTIONS The Fat Head would like to retract any opinion article which the Flat Hat published in the past 112 years. Further, we apologize for any misunderstanding our publishing non-news articles has caused. The Fat Head would also like to retract, in full, Lulu Dawes. A December, 2021 article falsely claimed that one student was charged with a felony. This should read that all but one student was charged with a felony. In December the College was raided by FBI agents for wanton endangerment and felonious horniness.
THE FAT HEAD ʻINSTABILITY ET FEET PICSʼ | ESTABLISHED OCT. 3, 1911
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Lulu “Drop that Anchor” Dawgs Deyassifier-in-Chief Molly “Blackmailed by FSPAC” Parks Managing Editor Ashanti “We actually like you so we couldnʼt think of something to make fun of” Jones Executive Editor Taylor “Preppy Capatalist” Robertson Business Manager Truck “Cleaned up all your messes” Tuesday Standards Editor
Anne Arseneauburger News Editor Callie “Actually a table is fine Booth” News Editor Abigail Pronelly News Editor Madeleine “I have a question” Harris Variety Editor Vivian “Fuzzy stan” Hoang Variety Editor Jake “Duke dogs” Forbes Sports Editor Adam “Jutt Up and take it” Jutt Opinons Editor Caitlin “Oh” Noe “you donʼt” Opinions Editor Veronica Bondage Copy Editor Bepsi Crystal Copy Editor Ian Hehehe Copy Editor Opal Wang Copy Editor Daniel “Luluʼs Favorite” Kalish News Assoc. Editor Bill “the deadline is just a suggestion” Kobos News Assoc. Editor Hannah Vector News Assoc. Editor Naomi Brendon Fraser Variety Assoc. Editor Judith-Renee Herman Variety Assoc. Editor Ellie “did you know my mom rejected Kanye” Kurlander Variety Assoc. Editor
Alexandra “Study abroad changed her” Bryne Operations Coordinator Ryan “HTML is my passion” Leventhal Webmaster
Michael Cera Data Editor Justin “Down Catastrophic” Superwholock Social Media, Photos Editor Yelena “Serial” Fleming Graphics, Podcast Editor Tara “Future Big Cheese” Vasanth Graphics Editor Lucas Mellow Copy Chief Susie Stark Labratories Copy Chief Emma “Sigma male grindset” Henry Chief Staff Writer Sarah Dumbledore Assoc. Standards Editor
Lynda @Dormfits Variety Assoc. Editor Kilometers Death Variety Assoc. Editor Bushra “listicle” Bablu Opinions Assoc. Editor Lauren Selina Meyer Opinions Assoc. Editor Seth Nofax Opinions Assoc. Editor Eddie Opinions Assoc. Editor Kelsi Takenam Sports Assoc. Editor Jason Fukker Sports Assoc. Editor Ryan “will not get harrassed by the W&M photographer because heʼs a man” Goodman Photos Assoc. Editor Zach Bokehzky Photos Assoc. Editor
Left-Handed and Left Behind: A Marginalized Student’s Story YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD LEFTIST // THE FAT HEAD As a queer woman of color at a predominantly white institution, I’ve experienced microaggressions and marginalization beyond modern imagination. But no identity has pushed me so far to the margins, relegated me so far back into the hidden corners of society, as my self-identification as a left-handed student on this campus. My name has been mispronounced repeatedly in classes over the past four years, and I’ve heard fellow students throw around “that’s so gay” like it’s their first name. But I’ve never felt more acute pain than when I walked into my class in Tucker Theater, armed with my notebook and pencil, to find not a single left-handed desk inside. The humiliation of setting my things down onto a heinous righthanded desk and hunching over it sideways for the simple comfort of being able to take notes was unbearable. Worse, still, was the embarrassment of bumping elbows with a right-handed student next to me that I had no intention of interacting with for the duration of the semester: all while I attempted to write the date in the top right corner of my looseleaf. Every time I play Wii with my friends, they look on with disdain as I tearfully change my Wii Sports preferences to my left hand. At Campus Golf this year, I felt the cruel gaze of every student on the Sunken Gardens as I shakily stepped up to putt with my left-handed golf club. And don’t even get me started on when my right-handed peers stepped up to putt “with their opposite hand” as some kind of twisted joke, only to perform better than I had when I used my left hand. Is there no decency? Students on this campus have things to say about me. They say I have a god complex because I’m lefthanded. They say I think being left-handed makes me better than everyone else. And they’d be right. But that won’t stop me from being overly assertive about my opinions anyway. People make assumptions about me as a result of
my race, gender, and sexuality. But the assumptions they make about me purely because of the orientation of the hand with which I choose to hold my utensils is truly inexcusable. Fellow William and Mary students, whom I had even grown to consider my moderate acquaintance, have felt bold enough to say to my face: “I figured you were a left-handed person. You give off that vibe.” Some have even taken the liberties to inform me that my lifestyle is “embarrassing” and even “humiliating.” And one particularly mouthy student informed me that they were okay with me being left-handed, as long as I wasn’t “in their face about it.” The fact that I have to suppress my natural inclinations, my lifestyle of choice, simply to accommodate fellow students’ learning preferences is abhorrent to me. What would I like the William and Mary administration to do about this? Absolutely nothing. If they replaced all of the right-handed desks at this school with left-handed ones, I would find a way to complain about that, too, because I’ve grown used to writing on right-handed desks. I develop an intimate relationship with the gum-stained wood as I lean on top of it to take notes, and I can’t deny getting a thrill when I bump elbows with my unsuspecting neighbor. But, I’ll make a fuss about this anyway, likely in a 280-character format that will allow me to go viral on W&M Twitter without making any significant progress on anything whatsoever. Because it doesn’t matter if things change, as long as I get another pinned tweet. So before you sneer at a fellow left-handed peer just trying to eke out a meager living on this hostile campus, stop it. Get some help. Consider what I’m going through. And don’t forget to retweet my list of stats about left-handed individuals that I have not bothered to cite or fact-check. If I go viral, you’re doing a struggling community a huge favor.
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THE FAT HEAD
Tuesday, April 5, 2022
Corsets, Eye-Contact, Tea, and Student Assembly LADY FLATHATDOWN FAT HEAD GOSSIP
Dear Reader, It is that time of the year again where the NOVA students of the College of William and Mary emerge from their dorm rooms to host the Student Assembly Elections, and pretend that the rest of their peers ever gave a damn about them. To the shock of the ton, for the first time in three election seasons the spot as the diamond of the campaign, SA’s student body president, finds itself contested. You mean to tell these two authors that someone actually desires the position? Although we believed we had dried up our pens during last year’s season, this season took a drastic turn of events filled with fanfare, heated attacks, and Yik-Yak (oh my!), that we found ourselves dusting off our paper and coming out of retirement. Before we move on to this season’s events, we have to wonder how last year’s diamond is faring. As she approaches the end of her reign, we can only imagine that her Madam President is quite done with the pitfalls and circle talk of the SA ton – Second only to these two authors of course. She – like us – may forever find herself haunted by the knocking of knuckles against desks in an uncommon show of support and the constant explaining of the finances that make up SA’s large dowry. You would think that with over $750,000 in their coffers they might find it important to understand their spending process. Perhaps most tiresome, though, was the frequency of impeachment proceedings for those senators who did not possess the good sense to bless the Student Assembly with their presence on any kind of regular basis. This year’s diamond, however, will have his work cut out for him as he attempts to use his “outsider status” plus his three years of experience in Student Assembly to rouse any interest in SA among the student body. The task will be difficult, considering this season’s abysmal voter turnout rate … Less than a quarter of students found the energy to cast a vote in this year’s election. A statistic even less than the number of interesting men participating in the College’s Marriage Pact. Looking at the ballot of contenders entering the season, the Presidential and Vice Presidential race followed the J and J (not to be confused with the vaccine of the same name) duo against Conner Mike Wazowski and Bryce Almighty, as well as surprised candidate Mikayla and her
imaginary friend. The J and J duo launched their campaign with their “live, laugh, love” marketing material… although some might argue there was no living, laughing, or loving during this campaign season. Believing the J and J team dirtied their pure status, Connor Big Lebowski challenged the campaign in a duel of words saying quote “That wasn’t very cash money of you.” Ultimately, the ton determined the J and J duo as the true diamond of the season, beating Konor agent kowalski. 114 voters decided to cast a vote towards lone wolf Mikayla. These two authors have also been following along the down ballot races of the rest of the SA ton. The race of the 2023 presidential contenders ended with no competition at all as the lovely Lady M became the most suitable match over return contender Sir O. Replacing her predecessor who escaped her scandalous affairs to the Town of George, The 2024 Presidential candidate, although running unopposed, still found herself losing votes to those who didn’t even bother to cast one in her election. The remaining races for Senator positions and Class of 2025 President finished with quite boring results… at least by our standards. All candidates ran on improving SA’s transparency despite many only using their Senator Instagrams once a year to announce how they will build the most transparent campaign the campus has ever seen. In a week they will disappear until next season when, like clockwork, their posts flood our feeds once again. Your authors often prefer this as our Groundhogs Day, but unfortunately your dear senators often see their shadows. Some may perhaps argue that this was not the most scandalous election season, as others did contain stories of benches of romantic pursuit (not to be confused, of course, with the famed bench of the Four Picnic Tables and One Benchy Boi Act). But alas, we must keep the past in the past. These authors would be amiss to not praise some of the accomplishments of the SA ton over these past four years. For starters, Senators implemented the Robert Rules of Order. In a shocking result– given how much all of the Senators enjoy hearing the sound of their own voices– they were able to decrease their meeting to a mere hour compared to the long evening affair it once was. This reduction in time has allowed Senators to focus on more important matters like updating
their LinkedIn profiles with their upcoming DC internships. Furthermore, it has been quite a time since the Senators “intentionally” evoked a war between the College’s clubs and for that, we are proud of their progress. Although, given how often they like to cut media funding, they sure do lust after the Fat Head’s endorsement during campaign season. Not to mention how they often rely on our weekly letters to remind themselves of their own proceedings. Lastly, we say goodbye to the seniors of the
season and while we can make many comments on their four years in office, we wish for them to retire in peace as we are sure, like these authors, they are tired. We now pass our quill down to the next, eminently qualified Lady FlatHatDown, but we thank you, gentle reader, for your readership over the past several seasons. These two authors are ready to retire from the hustle and bustle of Williamsburg - we do hear Hawaii is nice this time of year.
GOODWILL GARLIC GIRLIE / THE FAT HEAD
Note from the ombuds, man: This issue is satire - don’t email me.
TRUTHY MCGEE FAT HEAD OMBUDSMAN
If you have the capacity to do so, imagine the following scenario: I don’t give a shit. After a year of hearing your complaints and comments, oh dear and exalted general public, I have come to the conclusion that you all suck. And I do mean suck. You demonstrate absolutely no media literacy to the point that I even wonder if you’ll understand that this is a satirical issue of the Flat Hat (look it’s even called something else!). It’s almost like your god has forbidden you from the sweet apple of critical thinking skills. I don’t know what’s in the water here but it is dumb dumb juice. If you can understand that, finally, you have broken my will and attitude of professionalism - that pesky veneer which kept me from speaking my mind these past months - then understand that I mean I truly, truly don’t give a
shit. Congrats you found a typo. Oh no way we accidentally got your class year wrong? Wait, so you’re telling me that it’s so personally offensive to you that some unpaid and overworked peer of yours trying to do college journalism at a school with little to no relevant infrastructure got a detail wrong about your six-person club that you’re gonna email me about it? Ok now that we got the staff off my back and the crazies out of the way I can finally tell you what you should be really worried about at this paper: snake people. See I was just pretending to be mad for the pretense of the article. I know that no one reads these past the headline and first few lines so I think I’m safe now. The staff would be so mad that I said something - this is Snowdenlevel whistleblowing, folks. Clues have been left everywhere and no one has noticed. April 18, 2018 an article had
the correction “An earlier version of this article mistakenly replaced the word “millennial” with “snake person” in a quote from Ben Lambert ’19. This was due to a satirical word replacement browser extension installed on the news editor’s version of Google Chrome and not an implication that 38 percent of Williamsburg residents are reptilians.” Ok ok hear me out this may sound crazy but snake people have taken over the Flat Hat. You know who wrote that article I just quoted? None other than Caleb Rogers, Williamsburg Councilmember Caleb Rogers. I don’t know if he’s in charge or what. Maybe he’s been replaced by a snake person and that’s how he rose to power. Or maybe he’s just one of them and slipped up in writing snake people the first time. But wait it gets worse. So much worse. I wrote an article this year about corrections at the Flat Hat and guess
what? Snake people popped up again! I didn’t write it in there but every time I changed it, it would change back. Deep state Flat Hat is so deep that even I may be compromised by the snake people. I’m not sure if I’m even human or snake because I am frequently cold and do like the sun. My correction had to be issued for both the correction and my own article, saying “An earlier version of this article contained a typo “...replaced the word “snake person” with “snake person” in a quote...” It has been updated to say “... replaced the word “millenial” with “snake person” in a quote...” correcting the error both in this article and the original.” Ok so after like literally months of work I figured out that Claire Hogan, our so-called Editor in Chief (what a joke), was the head of the snake people. How do I know? She was the one logged on to the website when the changes were made.
Folks this is incontrovertible evidence that the snake people are taking over the Flat Hat and influence the student body towards their agenda. You may think that I’ve worked myself into a bit of a catch 22 with this article. That is, I’m telling you to believe me when I say this issue is filled with lies. Is this also a lie and everything else the truth? No, again you’re drinking dumb dumb juice. Wake up sheeple before you get eaten whole by a snake person. They are your friends and loved ones, your professors and administrators. If you don’t hear from me again then you can consider this my final writing before they finally got to me. It’s been two years since I joined the Flat Hat with my singular goal of exposing the snake people and I can die in peace now. If you have any questions or comments please email kelly.crace@wm.edu
People disagreed with my opinions at college – why is this allowed? MORE SHAPIRO THE FAT HEAD
When the United States Constitution was written and raWhen the United States Constitution was written and ratified, Americans were given different rights, freedoms and a system of government among other things. One of the most important additions to the Constitution was the first amendment, guaranteeing freedom of speech. Now I may not know much about the Constitution, the amendments themselves, the history of their interpretation, or anything else related to constitutional law, but I know how to use google. And after extensive internet research (about 10 minutes) on the first amendment, I can confidently say in this
newspaper piece being published and available for anyone to read: I am being silenced. It all started during my freshman year of college at William and Mary. In my freshman seminar, I was in the midst of a particularly interesting discussion about World War I with classmates. I decided to pull one of my favorite discussion moves: play devil’s advocate. This was something I did alllll the time in high school, with resounding positive results. For example, in any one of my HS classes, I would play devil’s advocate. My argument was so intelligent and strong that everyone else would agree with me, or just stay quiet because I had already made the best points. Naturally, I expected the same respectful form of intellectual discussion to continue in College.
Imagine my shock then, when after playing devil’s advocate in the discussion about World War I, a classmate raised their hand and disagreed with me. Then other students raised THEIR hands and expressed how they disagreed with me. It was, for lack of a better term, a vehement pile-on. Most shockingly, the professor didn’t do anything to stop this first amendment violation happening before her very eyes. After this harrowing experience, my enthusiasm for respectful class discussion and sharing my opinions on all topics began to wane. I began to feel hesitant to speak up in class – afraid that a classmate would try to silence my freedom of speech. This silencing is not an uncommon phenomenon. Tens of This silencing is
not an uncommon phenomenon. Tens of other students across the country report feeling the same way in a poll conducted by my editor. In the poll, 8 out of the 10 students solicited for comment said they might have self-censored one of their opinions one or more times in their lives – an extremely concerning result. One student I talked to, Gemma Cramp, said she was afraid of backlash.“ In one of my English classes, I told the class how women belong in the kitchen and JK Rowling is a human rights hero,” Cramp said. “The room got very tense – people vocally disagreed with me. It was extremely traumatizing.” Professor of Sociology, with a focus on hate speech directed towards conservatives at the University of Phoenix, Dr. Leo Spaceman, said the environment at
Universities today has completely changed from when he was in college. “Honestly, back in my day we would have good old-fashioned debates every night in our fraternity living room,” Spaceman said. “Just 3 white guys, debating the pros and cons of racism.
Sometimes someone might get a little angry, but just hearing those new and different ideas was life changing for me.” This issue of student’s free speech being taken away in college classrooms is an extremely important one. I am on the frontline, fighting against this
problem and using my powerful voice to speak up against oppression. Some may compare me to Martin Luther King Jr, and I will humbly accept that comparison. I have tried to be brave, to be courageous, but I can’t fight alone. GOODWILL GARLIC GIRLIE / THE FAT HEAD