The Fat Head, April 1, 2016

IT’S STILL A MYSTERY >> PAGE NINE AND THREE QUARTERS

CRIME >> PAGE 11

Williamsburg mayor founds Fight Club

On the write track

Guess: is this a story about a runner or an author? Or a forest tracker or something? Lots of possibilities here.

The Fat Head

Vol. Novermber, Iss. Print’s dead, man | Friday, April 1, 2016

OH GOD

GRAPHIC BY GOD OF KAOS / THE FAT HEAD

I’m just second

Admins solve master key mystery

Lord Botetourt’s ghost seen chasing staffers through door-lined halls of Wren CHACO THE ONCE AND FUTURE EIC

The College of William and Mary announced today that a set of master keys to all buildings on campus were lost or stolen, but Chair of the Emergency Management Team Sam Jones ’75 told students not to fret, Administration Inc. is on the case.

That expert team consists of Jones, Vice President for Student Affairs Ginger Ambler ’88 M.Ed. ’06, Associate Dean of Students Dave Gilbert, College President Taylor Reveley and Reveley’s lesser known dog, Scooby Doo. “Great Griffins Gang! It looks like we’re swamped with our next mystery!” Gilbert said when alerted of the problem. “But where should we start?”

Administration Inc. said that they had

anticipated finding the culprit within 12 days, so they wouldn’t have to tell students about the mess-up. Within the first days, Jones said that the team followed Scooby around campus, searching high and low, but usually only ended up in the campus kitchens. Reveley said he was cool with that, and questioned why anyone would want to go after a creepy keynapper anyway.

“I trust that, like, Scooby and the frisky gang here will solve this mystery lickety split,” Reveley said. “If someone did take these keys, they might, like, be hungry and get a snack.”

The gang said they first tried to think of why anyone would want the keys, and went to the Sunken Garden for inspiration.

“Jinkies, we really need to find these keys,” Ambler said. “If we could only find a clue, then we could solve this mystery!”

The first big clue came when Reveley and

DO BETTER

Scooby stumbled upon a key chain in the shape of a wedge of cheese on the Sunken Garden. Ambler then searched campus records for anyone relating to cheese and came up with one name: Cheesebro.

“We knew it was her,” Ambler said. “She was the only one who knew that the Wren Crypt is Reveley’s own personal cheese collection.”

When discovered, Chief of Police Deborah Cheesebro was sitting in her office with Brie and crackers.

While at first she declared that Administration Inc.’s theory had more holes than a block of Swiss cheese, the police chief eventually confessed to the crime.

“You’ll ruin my Gouda name!” Cheesebro said. “And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids and your dog too.”

I COULD

Dude, where’s my building?

GREG UNIVERSE 10 STEPS TOWARD A 10 PAGE THESIS

At approximately 7:30 a.m. on Monday, government professor James Blair walked toward Morton Hall only to find that the building in which he was supposed to teach that morning was no longer there.

“When I got out of my car and looked toward the building, I was immediately shocked. In front of me was just a grassy bowl with rectangular patches of dirt at the bottom of it. All I could think was, ‘It finally happened. Morton was finally reclaimed by the earth.’”

Blair and other professors filed missing building reports with the William and Mary Police Department that same day.

Information about the event spread via word-of-mouth and social media, but campus police and the administration remained silent.

For three days after the missing buildings report was filed, no notice was sent to the College community.

In that time professors did their best to continue teaching, much to the bewilderment of students. Students were deeply puzzled, not for a lack of understanding the material, but because they questioned why they made the effort to get out of bed and sit in the middle of a grassy bowl as they watched a professor reduced to gesticulating at open space. Class attendance noticeably plummeted during the three-day span.

When asked about the delay in notifying campus, Chief of Police Deb Cheesebro explained she was counting on the obliviousness of students at the College.

“We were honestly hoping no one would notice,” Cheesebro said.

“But now that you’re here, I can tell you there is a 50 percent chance the building was stolen.”

William and Mary Police is

following every possible lead to determine exactly how and why this building was taken.”

One of strongest leads to emerge so far has come from a Pixar movie.

“We are currently investigating a possible ‘Up’-style theft in which a number of helium-filled balloons were used to remove the building from its foundation and carry it from campus,” Cheesebro said.

Cheesebro added that research being done by a professor in the physics department required large amounts of liquid helium. If this helium was allowed to heat up, the resulting helium gas could be used to fill balloons. The number of helium-filled balloons it would take to lift the building is not currently known, but the question will be given to Physics 101 students on their final.

In response to Cheesebro, students around campus have developed their own theories on the disappearance.

“The mole people,” Chris Walkin ’20 said, as he glared intently into the distance and walked away with renewed purpose.

Some grade-conscious students have even begun to question if the building ever existed at all.

“If the building is no longer there, can we really say for sure if the building ever existed?” Bill Gates ’16 said. “And if the building was never there, that would mean no classes could have been held there, so my Intro to Public Policy class I failed doesn’t count toward my GPA now, right?”

Until the building is found, it is unlikely students will know how the building was actually taken. In the meantime, campus police have begun to chain the remaining academic buildings to wooden stakes in the hopes of preventing more buildings from going missing.

Students with classes in Morton have been moved to an undisclosed location until further notice.

THAN THAT

LOCAL DOG SEIZES CONTROL OF CAMPUS NEWSPAPER The Fat Head underwent a popular uprising Thursday evening, culminating in former Copy Chief Chaco the Dog being sworn in as Editor-in-Chief.

Chaco’s base of support consisted of the newspaper’s section and associate editors, who rallied behind her to oust senior staffers.

After this brief, bloodless revolution, the canine editor delivered a victory speech to her cheering followers.

“Alea iacta est,” Chaco said. “My name is Chaco, dog of dogs: Look on my paws, ye Mighty, and despair!”

— Fat Head Assoc. News Editor Elliot Carver

You Are My Secrets On The Front Page Every Week

Fatheadnews.com | Bunch of Poe-nothings

hand news yeah

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Today’s Weather

School to stay open despite forecasted invasion from beyond the Wall

CITIZEN KANE GENESIS FOUR

College of William and Mary Emergency Management Team Chair Sam Jones ‘75 notified students, faculty and staff via email that the university will remain open Monday despite forecasts predicting unseasonably wintry conditions and an impending White Walker invasion.

In a series of ten campus-wide emails sent out March 31, Jones explained that the National Weather Service has predicted that winter is coming and the horde of ice zombies will begin hitting Williamsburg over the weekend, bringing up 10 inches of snow and countless casualties among the smallfolk.

“At this time, we have not canceled any weekend classes or events. As conditions warrant, we will revisit this decision,” Jones said in the email. “Since the path and strength of the frozen, undead army could change over the next several days, this information remains precautionary only.”

The Emergency Management team supplemented the emails with a ceaseless stream of text alerts. These messages included checklists for faculty and staff in the event of severe weather, along with a note that students

COURTESY PHOTO / THE NIGHT’S WATCH

Proposed solutions for dealing with the White Walkers include dumping sand on the bricks and... yeah, that’s it.

are responsible for making up class work if they are transformed into a ice-encrusted, blue-eyed Walker.

“While recognizing that conditions are worse than expected, shipments of dragonglass and Valyrian steel are expected to arrive on campus over the weekend,” Jones said in an email. “We are confident that students and staff can use

Inside SEXUAL HEALING

Inside SHE WAS A BRICK HOUSE

I hate to yuck your yum but ...

Shark Upon the Gale

these resources to improve their commute.”

Some students took to Yik Yak and Facebook to voice their disappointment over the decision.

One Overheard poster surfaced a video on the Facebook page of Jones in a heavy fur coat, leaning on a sword, gazing over Historic Campus’s brick wall, muttering as the first flakes began to fall from the iron-colored sky.

Sex column? Whoa there. Hey now.

What happened to journalistic standards, right? What’re we thinking here, guys? page 815

SA senator burns down Wren Eager to impress an 8th grade tour group with his sweet moves, the Chairman of the Senate cruised into the jewel of Historic Campus on his hoverboard. Then, fiery hell broke loose. page 316

feelings

Opinions Editor J & J the Jet Plane fifthguestcolumn@fathead.com // @thefathead

The Fat Head | Friday, April 1, 2016 | Page 2

The Sadfly takes wing

GRAPHIC BY B-KAOL / THE FAT HEAD

You got your damn SA website. Are you happy now? Really, are you?

Dear Fat Head Readers, Today, we write to directly address what was once a controversial issue on campus — the Student Assembly’s lack of a sustainable, transparent website.

Well, it’s up. Yeah. Whoopy freaking doo. Congrats.

Now you can meet your SA representatives. Now you can review minutes and meetings.

Is that what you really want?

Like, seriously. Are you really that interested in what we’re doing?

All the people whining about transparency and our failure to live up to our promises — so what happens now? Are you going to start attending public meetings? Reading our damn minutes and scoffing at our

bizzarely named bills? Please.

We’re in the same boat hear, guys.

What it all boils down to is this: you don’t really care, and neither do we.

Get off your high horse. Most of us only joined SA as a resume booster anyways. Fine! It’s not like we’re embezzling or anything.

But no, a small handful of try hards had to whine about it and we had to slap something up during the election.

Seriously. I hope you’re happy.

Just know you’re embarassing yourself. Nono one cares about the Student Assembly.

Sincerely, The 2015-2016 Student Assembly

ARTSY WHITE SPACE? YEAH. SURE. LET’S GO WITH THAT.

Hammer it home My freshman year, I lived in Yates as the world’s most beautiful houses of upstanding fraternal culture rose around me. Every morning I awoke at 7 a.m. to the sound of jackhammers outside my window, or cranes loudly moving steel beams into place. I was excited for my college experience, but after my freshman year I’ve been sorely let down by the lack of construction in my life.

Every student dreams of walking past orange traffic cones and caution tape, of hearing about beautiful buildings that will be finished right after they graduate, and almost being run over by a reckless construction worker’s truck.

Think of all of the benefits from building new things on campus. Imagine how much better your tour would have been freshman year if your tour guide had emphasised just how many overbudget and past schedule projects our fine college had undertaken. While on this train of thought, just consider how much better our campus would look without its greatest scar, that horrible Wren Building. It’s about time for a facelift.

More importantly, think of the students on campus.

When I interviewed myself for this article, I said “It’s so much easier to wake up in the mornings to obnoxiously loud power tools.” I even added “I wasn’t a morning person before, but now I have to be and it’s only driving me a little bit crazy.”

— Yearning for Yates

Disclaimer: White cis scum author Disclaimer: This editorial is not intended as an ad hominem attack. The goal of this piece is to further develop a continuous, flowing conversation about the terrible media on this campus.

What’s that, reader? Were you were expecting your regular weekly Fat Head editorial? That traditional stew of platitudes and equivocation, designed to trigger campus and cover up the mistakes of the very administration from which those lamestream Fat Head cats receive the funds to destroy countless innocent trees? No! Not today. Today, the dissidents the Sadfly rise up to claim this page for the people.

It’s a bit of a change for us, this foray into such an oppressive medium. As I always say while smoking a cigarette on the steps of the Meridian, “Print news and websites with decent load times are a form of fascism.”

But here we are, fighting the good fight for you. It is our duty. We are the voice. We are your voice (about once a month—depending on when we can get our stuff together)!

We are here for you. Because we know you crave another Bernie hit piece pondering the nature of revolution. Because we know you care what I think about Bob Gates. Because we know pretentious David Foster Wallace citations won’t post themselves.

We’re here to publish your stories sometimes. Mostly, we’re here to post our own stories about how we feel about a bunch of things.

That reminds me of a story about myself. I waved to a custodial worker once. Tears in her eyes, she responded, “Thank you for acknowledging my existence. This is literally the best moment of my life. You, privileged college student, condescended to connect with me and validate my humanity. I will remember this experience forever.”

That wave—such a simple flick of the wrist and glorious achievement all at once. I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but then again I am mentioning this in my rambling thinkpiece instead of just being nice to people and letting it go like a regular person.

Never forget: Résistance! Solidarnosc! Stinging!

Subsequently dying because our stingers are barbed!

Find the UNCENSORED version of this column at www.sadfly.ex.oux.yxz.wtf-is-this-url.com This underground editorial represents the opinion of Le Sad Bugs.

The regular editorial board, which is elected by The Fat Head’s section editors and executive staff, normally consists of Stevie Nicks, Mick Fleetwood, John and Christie McVie, and of course, Lindsey Buckingham.

?

The Fat Head welcomes submissions to the Opinions section. Just kidding. No one cares about what you think about the election or whatever. Seriously. Get the hell out of here.

?

A STICKY NOTE SITUATION

The Fat Head #FlatHatFilth | The actual founding date is Oct. 2, 1911. Dear God. We’ve been celebrating the wrong birthday for years. This is why is pays to look in the archives once in a while, guys.

THE RED KEEP, KING’S LANDING

andnowmywatchbegins@fathead.com THE NORTH hughielewisandthenews@fathead.com THE VALE hewhocontrolsthespice@fathead.com THE RIVERLANDS moneymoneymoney@fathead.com

CASTERLY ROCK techstartup@fathead.com THE STORMLANDS swimming101@fathead.com THE REACH angryalumnicatnip@fathead.com

DORNE getmepicturesofspiderman@fathead.com

Tuckahontas Bernie Televangelist Lucasfilm Headline Connoisseur Starkroca Reynolds Pamphleteer Sharpeshooter Business Casual Propagandist E. Joymont Land of Sheep + Honey Editor Page 1 Smith Taking All the Articles Editor The Dreith Pirate Roberts Best Hair Editor Jeez Ruiz Crises and Sheep Editor Gatsby Cipolla Old Sports Editor Luckenbaugh of the Draw Queen Bitch MVP Jenny from the Block Bielski Sleeper Agent J-Stums Elections and Feelings Editor Pop, Loc, & Drop and Q Ancient Scribes House Martell Ruler of Dorne Floodgate Fancy Writer Za Koolio Hipster Commander

Iris II Myspace Editor Bavicious Assassin Editor Gravedancer Assassinated Editor Yo-Yohannes Storybrooke Daily Mirror Editor Judgement of Solomon Camera Obscura Editor Iris the First Video Killed the Radio Star Editor Maysrunner Found Footage Editor Nutterhouse Scarves Editor Little by Little Snark Upon the Gale Editor Ammon-Ra Knows Math Gov. Kristie Draws Things No One Webmaster

If the TJ statue were destroyed by post-it notes, who would you commemorate in his place?

“Our chancellor. I don’t know what he believes in but I believe in Bob Gates. Ready for Robert USA USA USA USA.” Tuckasaurus Rex ’17

“Crazy old Maurice. He was in here tonight, raving like a lunatic.”

Chosen for the Constitutional Convention ‘18

“The Global Film Festival.”

Look Sharpe ‘17

VARIETY >> PAGE 7

PROFILE >> PAGE 4

Top of the Totem Pole

Bray starts a new ball game

Prewitt, College up a 78-62 front ofGesture” a packed Kaplan Arena.

A recap Tarpey of Haidahelp artist Robertpick Davidson’s talk, win “An in Innocent

Bill Bray ‘15 J.D. ‘18 reflects on his major league career, college.

The Flat Hat

Vol. 105, Iss. 23 Friday, April 1, 2016

The Weekly Student Newspaper

of The College of William and Mary

STUDENT ASSEMBLY

ACADEMICS

64.1%

Brown

64.1% 31.3%

Ambrose

64.1 percent of students who self-identified as female supported Brown.

Canakis

4.7% GRAPHIC BY SARAH SMITH / THE FLAT HAT

75% 56.1% 56.3% 60%

75 percent of students in a social justice organization supported Brown.

Brown Ambrose Canakis

56.1 percent of students in Greek organizations supported Ambrose.

Brown

75%

Canakis

2.5%

56.3 percent of students who prioritized transparency supported Ambrose.

College receives Simon Award LEONOR GRAVE FLAT HAT STAFF WRITER

60 percent of students who prioritized mental health supported Brown.

Alpha Theta. According to Delta Delta Delta member Nia Gibson ’17, who worked on Ambrose and Jacob’s campaign, this involvement in Greek life at the College may have helped sway voters.

“Everyone in Greek life knows each other,” Gibson said. “Everyone in Greek life knew [Ambrose and Jacob] were two really great people who were active on campus and striving to make a difference.”

Of the 60 percent of respondents who identified themselves as nonGreek, only 27.6 percent supported Ambrose. 69 percent of non-Greeks supported Brown, and only 3.4 percent said they supported Canakis.

43 percent of respondents to the survey identified themselves as members of a social justice organization on campus. These students were far more likely to support Brown than they were to support either of the other candidates.

Erica West ’17 is co-president of William and Larry, the policy arm of the Lambda Alliance that advocates for increased rights of members of the LGBTQ community. She said that supporting Brown made sense for students who were active in social justice, citing Brown’s involvement in the PLUS program and with the Center for Student Diversity. She also cited posts that Brown and McKiernan have made on their personal Facebook pages advocating for social justice issues.

See SURVEY page 5

See AWARD page 4

Brown

56.1%

Canakis

Brown

37.5%

Ambrose

9.8%

56.3% 6.3%

Ambrose Canakis

60% 22.5% 2.5%

Women, non-Greeks go to Brown

Social justice groups also lean Brown, Flat Hat survey finds EMILY CHAUMONT FLAT HAT NEWS EDITOR

President-elect Eboni Brown ’17, who won the March 24 Student Assembly election by a margin of 39 votes, was elected with strong support from women, members of social justice organizations and those who prioritize mental health issues, a survey conducted by The Flat Hat March 18-24 suggests. Brown fared weakest among voters in Greek organizations, who were also more likely to say that they were going to vote.

The survey, which predicted Brown’s victory, was conducted by random paper ballot as well as online over email, with a sample of 137 students. The survey did not meet scientific standards of randomness and because part of the sample was self-selected, an unintentional bias may be present in the results. The survey results reflect a larger margin of victory for Brown than election results, suggesting demographic data might also be skewed toward Brown.

40 percent of respondents said that they were a part of a Greek organization on campus. Of these, 56.1 percent said they supported Ambrose, 34.1 percent said they supported Brown and 9.8 percent said they supported Canakis.

Ambrose is a member of Pi Beta Phi, and Jacob is a member of Kappa

Going beyond Williamsburg

Beginning with its founding in 1693, the College of William and Mary has been an international university. This year, the College was selected as one of four institutions to win the 2016 Senator Paul Simon Award for Comprehensive Internationalization. This award, given by NAFSA Association of International Educators, recognizes colleges and universities that promote global education experiences.

In 2016 the College was recognized for the third consecutive year as the top public university for undergraduate study abroad in the U.S., with more than 750 undergraduate students studying abroad each year in over 50 countries. The College also has three times as many international students and scholars as it did 10 years ago, and the COLL curriculum launched this year includes a COLL 300 requirement for coursework that engages students in global and cross-cultural perspectives.

“Few universities combine centuries of commitment to excellence in teaching international subjects, extensive study abroad programs, opportunities for hands-on student research on crucial global problems, close ties to policymakers and a strong base of local, national and international alumni,” College President Taylor Reveley said in a press release.

One reason the College has seen this progress is due to the administration’s commitment to internationalization, including the creation of the vice provost for international affairs position, who reports to Provost Michael Halleran and chairs the International Advisory Committee. The IAC includes representatives from the College’s five academic schools: the Faculty of Arts and Sciences, the Mason School of Business, the School of Education, the Marshall-Wythe School of Law and the Virginia Institute of Marine Science.

Jingyi Zhang ’17, an undergraduate student representative on the IAC, said this recognition is a result of the College’s ability to excel in fusing its centuries-old traditions with the contemporary needs of a globalized world.

“Winning the Simon Award is an important and celebratory milestone for the University,” Zhang said in an email. “It demonstrates the hard work the school has put in international enrichment and the success it has achieved thus far.”

Vice Provost for International Affairs Stephen Hanson cited three main strengths when it comes to internationalization at the College: its size, location and history. He said that the College’s size is ideal for allowing for a sufficient number of globally minded initiatives, without

34.1%

Ambrose

22.5%

Flathatnews.com | Follow us:

FACULTY

CAMPUS

12 professors design TEDx: Conference to expand diversity new COLL 200 classes Seven speakers to share diverse passions, subject areas in annual talks Grant funds interdisciplinary classes ALLISON ROHRER FLAT HAT ASSOC. NEWS EDITOR

Six professor pairs received a Reveley Interdisciplinary Fellows grant to design and teach an interdisciplinary class. The grant is funded through the Andrew W. Mellon Foundation and named for College of William and Mary President Taylor Reveley.

Recipient pairs will have a year to research and design a class that draws from two subject areas. The classes will be influenced by each professor’s department. These will all be COLL 200 classes and will be taught for the following two years.

English and linguistics professor Daniel Parker and government professor Maurits Van Der Veen are producing a class that will use online tools to study big data.

Parker pointed out that in

Today’s Weather

Index Profile News Opinions Variety

Sports

today’s world it is necessary to interact with people from different backgrounds and explain work to a wider audience. Through his class, he hopes that students will gain the tools necessary to create better-informed analyses and to answer a wider variety of questions from his class.

One student who has begun conducting research is looking at when people begin casually using a trademark by analyzing how people use trademarked terms on Facebook and Twitter.

Modern languages professor Silvia Tandeciarz and history professor Betsy Konefal are teaching a class about Argentina’s last military dictatorship and Guatemala’s internal armed conflict from 1960 to 1996.

Tandeciarz said she and Konefel See COLL page 5

SARAH SMITH FLAT HAT NEWS EDITOR

With a diverse array of speakers lined up, including a National Geographic explorer to a history professor, TEDxCollegeofWilliamandMary will be hosting its fourth annual conference Sunday, April 3.

For the last four years, TEDx at the College of William and Mary has been working to expand its outreach and draw in a wider crowd of students, faculty, staff and Williamsburg community members.

This year, the students responsible for planning the committee decided to move past a themed conference and invite speakers to discuss what they were most passionate about.

According to TEDx co-president Caroline Wiles ’17, this open-ended conference will enable the speakers to have livelier, more informed discussions about their areas of specialization, as opposed to a theme that would constrain them.

“We had trouble coming up with a theme,” Wiles said. “We decided to leave

COURTESY PHOTO / WM.EDU

TEDxCollegeofWilliamandMary will host seven diverse speakers in Phi Beta Kappa Hall Sunday, April 3.

Madison Ochs ’18 argues for the necessity of environmental progress at the college. page 6 Rainy, High 72, Low 50

See TEDX page 5

Inside Sports

Inside Opinions

A solar-paneled step towards sustainability

4 5 6 7 8

it open-ended. We asked our speakers to tell us what they were interested in talking about. They came up with a huge array of topics on certain issues and subject matters. Instead of restraining them, we are letting them talk about their fields in a way they are most excited about. I think this will be an extremely positive thing.

It will allow the speakers to show how much of an expert they are and what they are passionate about and relay that to the audience.”

In her role as co-president, Wiles is responsible for overseeing a group of nine committee chairs who are in charge of logistics, finance and speaker relations.

Students who volunteer to be part of certain committees work underneath these committee chairs.

The group decided that this year they wanted to focus on diversity and inclusion in choosing speakers for the conference.

They reached out to alumni and other people interested in coming to speak.

In terms of diversity, the group found

Tribe sweeps the Pride

College uses strong offensive outburst to defeat CAA foe Hofstra 14-6, 15-10. page 8

newsinsight “ Now it’s easier than ever to stay upto-date on all on-campus news.

This was a very tight race, and even friend groups were split. It was good to see that, finally.

— SEAC Seize the Grid Facilitator Anne Davis ‘16 said on this year’s Student Assembly presidential election.

Bray starts a new ball game Bill Bray ‘15 J.D. ‘18 reflects on his major league career, college

Page 4 Spotlight

@theflathat

theflatchat A THOUSAND WORDS

GABBIE PACHON / THE FLAT HAT

CORRECTIONS An article pulished last week incorrectly identified AISA copresident Vanessa Adkins ’19 as Queen Chickahominy. Her correct title is Miss Chickahominy.

The Flat Hat wishes to correct any facts printed incorrectly.

Corrections may be submitted by email to the editor of the section in which the incorrect information was printed. Requests for corrections will be accepted at any time.

The Flat Hat ‘STABILITAS ET FIDES’ | ESTABLISHED OCT. 3, 1911

25 Campus Center, The College of William and Mary, Williamsburg, Va. 23185 Editor flathat.editor@gmail.com Managing flathat.managing@gmail.com Executive flathat.executive@gmail.com News fhnews@gmail.com Sports flathatsports@gmail.com

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Julia Kott Chief Videographer Iris Duan Social Media Editor Lauren Bavis Copy Chief Leonor Grave Copy Chief Bezi Yohannes Copy Chief Kyra Solomon Photos Editor Iris Hyon Online Editor Cort Mays Online Editor Caroline Nutter Blogs Editor Bri Little Blogs Editor Ammon Harteis Pollster Kristie Turkal Graphics Editor

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Hannah Gourdie Copy Editor Bel Kelly-Russo Copy Editor Becca Merriman-Goldring Copy Editor Katherine Peck Copy Editor Sydney Rosenberger Copy Editor Lillian Waddill Copy Editor Patricia Mook Business Manager Moises Romero Outreach Manager Ebony Barnes Accounts Manager Sean Aminali Business Assoc.. Manager Aaron Kiser Business Assoc.. Manager Feng Li Business Assoc.. Manager Tim Shanahan Business Assoc. Manager Alex Walhout Production Assistant

The Flat Hat | Friday, April 1, 2016 | Page 4

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NICK CIPOLLA // FLAT HAT SPORTS EDITOR

Standing on the pitcher’s mound in Milwaukee, Wisc., staring down his first-ever Major League batter, former College of William and Mary left-handed relief pitcher Bill Bray ’15 J.D. ’18 threw his first big league pitch. He was wearing a Washington Nationals uniform. The pitch was called a ball, although it appeared to be a strike, and ended up giving Bray the win when his catcher threw a man out at second base. It was Bray’s first taste of Major League Baseball, a position he would keep for much of 2006 until 2012.

Bray hails from Virginia Beach, Va., and pitched for the Tribe from 2002 to 2004, when he was drafted as a junior 13th overall in the 2004 MLB Draft by the Montreal Expos, the highest selection ever for a student-athlete at the College. After playing in the minors for a few seasons, he reached the MLB and played for both the Nationals and the Cincinnati Reds during his six-year career in the majors. After his professional baseball career, he returned to the College to finish his undergraduate degree in 2015 and also joined the William and Mary Athletics Hall of Fame in 2015.

During his time with the Tribe, Bray set the program record for career saves and was selected to All-Colonial Athletic Association teams twice.

“It was a fantastic experience; some of my best friends have come off of those teams. You get to hang out and work with 30 of your best friends every day,” he said. “It was definitely the right choice for me. I hadn’t experienced any kind of camaraderie like I did in college.”

His success on the mound attracted scouts from the professional leagues during the 2004 season. Bray commented on the experience of going through the draft process while attending the College. “[It was] kind of nerve-wracking, to be honest,” he said. “It was pressure unlike anything I’d ever faced before, going out on the field and knowing somebody was watching every minute of every game.”

But all the scouting worked out, as Bray was able to not only get drafted, but also to make it through training after signing his initial contract. Bray said he knew he could not go back to the College after being such a high pick, but that he would eventually finish his degree at a later time.

“College education was highly valued in my family, and that was one of the aspects besides playing baseball that factored into my decision to attend William and Mary,” Bray said.

“When I got drafted in 2004, we negotiated a scholarship into my contract that would pay for the rest of my undergraduate schooling.”

The stipulation in his contract differed from the contracts of other professional athletes, who would usually end up without a degree if they left early for pro teams. It worked out for Bray, who, despite having a successful MLB career, wanted to pursue a career as a

player representative for athletes. This career choice came after being in the MLB Players’ Association while on the Reds, where he got a taste of the business side of baseball.

“I was elected as a player representative and was involved in the Collective Bargaining Agreement negotiations in 2011 and various committees,” he said. “I was kind of learning the business side of baseball, I majored in finance and it was something I’ve always been passionate about. The opportunity to become involved and steer decisions that affect the game was very attracting.”

Of course the behind-the-scenes Players’ Association position wasn’t all he did, as Bray often held the spotlight as a tough relief pitcher who faced many All-Star players. At the start of his career, he earned a win after only throwing one pitch against the Milwaukee Brewers. Bray described his first experience on the mound.

“It was exhilarating running onto the field for the first time in the major leagues,” he said.

“I was in Milwaukee, and just standing there on the mound looking at the stadium it just felt massive, and the field felt really small. I had to focus on keeping my leg from shaking from the nerves and excitement at the same time. All I wanted to do was throw that first strike.”

Bray continued on in his career, getting traded to the Reds later in 2006 in the same season as his MLB debut and ending his career with a 13-12 record, a 3.74 earned run average and 188 strikeouts. When asked about his favorite memories of the big show, Bray included pitching for the losing side of the 2010 postseason game in which former Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Roy Holladay threw a no-hitter.

“Looking back, I threw an inning and a third, and as I was walking off the field everybody was standing and clapping … and you start hearing ‘Roy! Roy! Roy!’ because he was going out for the ninth inning to finish his no-hitter,” Bray said. “To have the opportunity to pitch in that game, only one of two no-hitters in playoff history, was an incredibly awesome experience.”

Bray had a rather interesting career, being drafted by the Expos in 2004, a year before they transitioned to become the Nationals. He also went through being traded and several injuries during his six years in the majors.

Bray faced occasional injuries that placed him on the disabled list, especially in spring training. In 2009, he had Tommy John surgery, although he returned to play for two more years. When he tore his labrum and rotator cuff in 2013 after signing a minor league contract with the Nationals, his baseball career was nearing its end.

“Injuries had a huge impact on my career,” Bray said. “Tommy John was a difficult surgery, but … I came back stronger and became a better pitcher for it … The death blow for my career was I tore my labrum and rotator cuff in

2013, and then re-tore it in 2014.”

When he went into rehab after the 2013 surgery, he decided he would go back to college to finish his degree. In 2014, while in rehab, he tore his labrum again, effectively ending his career, as he announced his retirement later that year.

With his career over but returning as a student, albeit now with a wife and two children, Bray reflected on his favorite moments from his time at Plumeri Park in the early 2000s.

“Some of your favorite moments are kind of funny ones,” he said. “I gave up a home run — I wouldn’t say this is a favorite moment — in the conference tournament after my freshman year, and then in my sophomore year during spring practice one of the guys slammed a ball down and said ‘Oh my God, that ball that got hit off Bill last May just landed,’ and everybody was laughing and it’s one of those things that sticks with you.”

Bray cites the College as one of the main reasons for his success in baseball and in his current endeavors.

“I don’t think I would’ve been anywhere near prepared to have gone to professional baseball out of high school,” he said. “The college experience, living on my own and taking care of myself, cooking for myself, making sure that I went to class, you know having that responsibility and starting to learn time management. Learning all of those things at William and Mary ... really helped me in my career.”

After calling Athletics Director Terry Driscoll in 2014, Bray found his way back to Williamsburg to finish his undergraduate studies.

Now finished, he is working on a law degree at the Marshall-Wythe School of Law, expecting to graduate in 2018 and go work with professional athletes. He says he now has a more well-defined goal than in his early 20s.

“I’d like to be a player representative after graduating law school, and I think the ability to understand and negotiate the contracts that are involved in professional baseball and other professional sports is invaluable,” he said.

With that, Bray comes full circle, starting in Hampton Roads, attending the College, going pro and now returning to his roots in his 30s, raising his family right here in Williamsburg while keeping the College in his mind “When I made the phone call … and expressed my desire to come back and go back to school, the athletic department was a huge help, and the business school was a huge help,” Bray said. “I’m looking forward to representing players, protecting their careers and helping them achieve their dreams like people did for me. I couldn’t be more thankful to everyone at William and Mary for what they’ve given me and allowing me to be able to come back and finish my degree.”

College awarded for internationalization Reves Center, BOV aim to increase funding for COLL 300 classes AWARD from page 3

being so big that it becomes difficult to coordinate efforts between academic schools. Furthermore, a smaller size provides a more welcoming environment for international students and scholars.

Additionally, Hanson said that he sees the College’s short distance to Washington, D.C. as a strength. Finally, according to Hanson, the College’s history and tradition play a pivotal role.

“It matters overseas when you say you’re the second oldest university in the U.S., and the place that four presidents got their education,” Hanson said. “It has a resonance.”

Professor Pamela Eddy, one of the founding members of the IAC, similarly cited the College’s curriculum as an advantage.

“I think we build on a strong liberal arts tradition, which really has a value for understanding other cultures and countries.” Eddy said.

This recognition with the Simon Award can help the College in a number of ways, from attracting a greater number of students and scholars interested in international issues, to drawing in increased donor support.

“I think that heightened attention on us can…increase these opportunities we could have to partner, or to also attract students and

faculty that are interested in international issues to our campus,” Eddy said. “It can put William and Mary on the radar for others.”

In addition to giving students at the College a more global education, the administration is also eager to increase recognition of the the College’s name at an international level. Both Hanson and Eddy cited lack of funding as an obstacle for continuing to pursue internationalization initiatives. The College’s internationalization plan aims to reach 60 percent study abroad participation at the undergraduate level by 2018, and financing this effort can pose a challenge.

To help fund this internationalization, the Reves Center initiative, in its partnership with the Institute for the Theory and Practice of International Relations, has been integrated into the For the Bold campaign, with a goal to raise $27 million dollars towards internationalization.

According to Hanson, the hope is that the Simon Award will continue to move these internationalization efforts forward.

“We certainly think it’s a great bragging point; we are tweeting it and retweeting it as much as we can,” Hanson said. “It is impressive, and it’s the culmination of a lot of hard work, by faculty, by students, by staff and by administration.”

The Flat Hat

Friday, April 1, 2016

Page 5

DINING

Students build children community garden Food Desert Project Initiative aims to increase food sustainability on campus ELEANOR LAMB FLAT HAT SENIOR STAFF WRITER

By the end of the semester, the students at Queens Lake Middle School will be able to walk outside their classrooms and harvest plants they have grown themselves.

The Food Desert Project Initiative, led by four Sharpe Community Scholars, plans to build a community garden on the grounds of the nearby Queens Lake Middle School. Although the Sharpe Scholars’ goal is to install the garden by the end of the semester, they have been planning the project since last semester.

Thomeka Watkins ’19, Joshua Sacks ’19, Arianna McFarlane ’19 and Jacqueline Chan ’19 make up the Food Desert Project team. The four of them met in a class called “Living with the Environment,” which they took last semester as a requirement for

their Sharpe Community Scholars program. In the past, other groups of Sharpe Scholars have taken on projects that involve raising awareness about issues such as the environment’s connection to stress, feral cats and Williamsburg.

“Sharpe has always prided itself on meeting students where they are and encouraging them to develop community-based research skills that will carry them through to the possibility of senior level research project,” Director of the Sharpe Community Scholars Program Monica Griffin said in an email.

“But we start where we are, with what we know.”

In addition to starting a garden for students to cultivate their own vegetables, the project aims to raise awareness about food deserts.

Watkins defined food deserts as areas where affordable and nutritious food is hard to obtain, particularly for individuals without a car. She said many Williamsburg residents live in food deserts; she

also said the Food Lion on Richmond Road was, for many people, the only source of fresh produce.

Raising awareness about food deserts is only one purpose of the community garden. According to Watkins, the outdoor space will also teach students to grow their own vegetables and will offer a constructive outlet for students who may be depressed.

Additionally, she said that the garden can help students develop healthy eating habits, citing childhood obesity as a major issue.

“Everyone says ‘Eat your vegetables,’” Watkins said. “When you can pick tomatoes off a plant, it’s much more interactive.”

The group started outlining plans for the community garden last semester and has been working throughout this semester to bring those plans to fruition. They meet at least once a month to give each other updates, in addition to communicating over email. Since early February, they have been

corresponding with Queens Lake Middle School Principal Scott Meadows.

Meadows and several middle school teachers welcomed the idea of a garden when the Sharpe Scholars presented their plan. One of the teachers offered to donate some of her seeds to the garden’s stock. “[The teachers] were very enthusiastic about the project,” Chan said. “[Meadows] has been more than helpful.”

The group is still in the process of installing the garden. They are corresponding with teachers, who are deliberating between two places on the middle school’s campus to create the garden. The scholars are also deciding which vegetables to grow and are also looking into purchasing supplies, such as seeds and gardening tools.

“We’re staring off small and seeing if we can create longevity,” Watkins said.

Brown preferred by majority of students of all races Mental health, Student Assembly effectiveness named most important issues in this year’s election SURVEY from page 3

“A lot of what we consider is who are people we see at [social justice] events the most, who are people we can link their names and what they believe in and their faces together,” West said when asked what students concerned with diversity and other social justice issues considered when selecting a candidate.

“Ultimately those people were Eboni and Hannah.”

Of respondents who identified as part of a social justice organization, 75 percent said they supported Brown, 22.5 percent said they supported Ambrose and 2.5 percent said they supported Canakis.

On the other hand, the 57 percent of respondents who said they were not members of social justice organizations were more likely to support Ambrose, with 50 percent of non-members supporting Ambrose, 41.4 percent supporting Brown and 8.6 percent supporting Canakis.

As part of the survey, respondents were asked to rank a list of six issues in order of importance to them in this election. Mental health was the most potent issue, with the next most important issues being the effectiveness of the Student Assembly, sexual assault, transparency, diversity and, least important to respondents, sustainability.

Mental health was a key issue in this year’s election, making an appearance in the platforms of all three tickets. The students who ranked mental health as the

most important issue of the election were much more likely to support Brown than to support any of the other candidates.

Of those who ranked mental health first, 60 percent said they supported Brown, 40 percent said they supported Ambrose and none said they supported Canakis.

Students who ranked mental health as their least pressing issue were much more likely to support Canakis than those who ranked mental health first. 62.5 percent of students who ranked mental health as least important supported Brown, 25 percent supported Ambrose and 12.5 percent supported Canakis.

Another key issue that was played up during campaigning, especially during the debate, was transparency, which all of the candidates focused on, especially as it related to the creation of an SA website. Out of the six issues provided, respondents ranked transparency the fourth most important issue on average.

Although support for Brown extended across multiple demographics, a majority of respondents who ranked transparency as the most important issue supported Ambrose. 56.3 percent of those who prioritized transparency supported Ambrose, 37.5 supported Brown and 6.3 percent supported Canakis.

Despite the fact that most of Canakis’ platform rested on plans to build a website to increase transparency, respondents who ranked transparency as the least important issue were more likely to support him than respondents who

ranked transparency as most important.

11.1 percent of those who ranked transparency last supported Canakis, as compared to the 6.3 percent who supported him and ranked transparency first.

Additionally, despite Canakis’s focus on his status as an “outsider” candidate aiming to bring vitality to SA, he lacked wide support among respondents who prioritized effectiveness of the Student Assembly as the election’s most important issue.

“We are going to spice things up,” Canakis said at the debate. “We need flavor in the Student Assembly. It is a stale piece of bread with no flavor. We are going to bring energy and excitement to the SA. … We are the Sriracha the SA needs.”

Nevertheless, of those who ranked effectiveness of SA as the most important issue, only 5.9 percent said they supported Canakis, with 58.8 percent saying they supported Brown and 35.3 percent saying they supported Ambrose.

Although respondents were least likely to rank it as this election’s most important issue, sustainability was an important issue for the candidates, especially for Ambrose and Jacob. Jacob’s involvement with the Student Environmental Action Coalition and the pair’s detailed outline for sustainability within their seven-page platform was more extensive than any of the other tickets’ plans for sustainability, but respondents who ranked

sustainability as the most important issue of the election were still far more likely to support Brown, with her ticket receiving 64.7 percent of these students 29.4 percent supporting Ambrose and 5.9 percent supporting Canakis.

Seize the Grid Facilitator Anne Davis ‘16 worked with Ambrose and Jacob on their campaign.

“People always put sustainability as a shout out but they don’t always go that in depth into it,” Davis said.

She said that while she supported Ambrose, she had friends who supported Brown and she recognized that it was a closer race than in previous years.

“I’m someone that never cares about SA elections ever … I don’t get into all that stuff,” Davis said. “This was a very tight race and even friend groups were split. It was good to see that, finally.”

While the prioritization of different issues addressed by the candidates comprised some of the most significant insights in the survey, there were also divisions in support along other demographic lines.

There was a clear divide on support for candidates along gender lines. A majority of respondents who self-identified as male said they supported Ambrose, with 51.5 percent of males supporting her, 39.4 percent of male respondents supporting Brown and 9.1 percent supporting Canakis. Female respondents, on the other hand, were much more likely to support Brown, with 64.1 percent

supporting her, 31.3 percent supporting Ambrose and 4.7 percent supporting Canakis.

A majority of respondents of all races supported Brown. She received the support of 100 percent of African American respondents, 62.5 percent of Asian respondents, 50 percent of Hispanic respondents and 53.4 percent of white respondents. Ambrose received relatively equal support across racial groups, excluding those who self-identified as African American. She received support from 37.5 percent of Asian respondents, 33.3 percent of Hispanic respondents and 39.7 percent of white respondents. No African American or Asian respondents said they supported Canakis. He received the support of 16.7 percent of Hispanic respondents and 6.8 percent of white respondents.

In Thursday’s election, Brown received 43 percent of the vote, Ambrose received 42 percent, and Canakis received 15 percent. In the survey, Brown was supported by 55 percent of respondents, Ambrose by 39 percent and Canakis by 6 percent. While the order in which the candidates were ranked in the survey was mirrored by the results of Thursday’s election, the percentage of votes each candidate received differed significantly from the results of The Flat Hat’s survey. The margin by which Brown won the election was a mere one percent, rather than the 16 percent predicted by the survey.

Alumni, diverse speakers to present on areas of specialization Planning committee opts for open-ended conference to attract more community members TEDX from page 3

speakers of different genders, ethnicities and areas of specialization.

The speakers for this year’s conference are independent journalist and author Lizzie Stark, CEO and co-founder of SoapBox David Simnick, Shanti Bhavan Children’s Project Director of Operations Ajit George, National Geographic explorer Erin Spencer ’14, Actors’ Gang Prison Project Founder Sabra Williams, assistant director and chief curator of the Muscarelle Museum of Art John Spike and history professor Chitralekha Zutshi.

Speaker Relations Co-chair Sudeep Kalkunte ’16 was one of the people involved in reaching out to speakers, arranging interviews with them and negotiating what they would discuss. Kalkunte, who has worked closely with the speakers, said he is excited to finally meet them in person.

“I am most excited to finally meet the speakers,” Kalkunte said. “We

have had a lot of contact, but it will be my first time interacting with them and getting to thank them for coming. It will be my first time meeting them face to face.”

Funding for the event came through two distinct pathways. Sen. J.C. LaRiviere ’17 sponsored the TEDx 2016 Conference Funding Act, which allocated $17,000 to travel and lodging accommodations for the speakers and other necessary event materials. Other funding came through personal donations from administrators and community members.

Although there are tickets on sale for the conference, the group works to reduce the fees involved in purchasing tickets as they do not aim to make a profit from their event.

For some, like Speaker Relations Co-chair Emily Schaefer ’17, this year’s conference represents a way of improving and building on previous years’ conferences. Some major changes that have been made involve strategies to increase ticket sales, to diversify the conference and to reach out to a wider audience.

“I think this year we have had a lot better communication,” Schaefer said. “Things have been going much more smoothly, and we have improved the event dramatically. TEDx is an excellent event, and we are excited to have a diverse group of speakers.”

Additionally, the group has worked to make the event more accessible to all members of the campus, including faculty and staff. Through increased outreach and advertising over the past year, they have also increased their attempt to bring in people from the Williamsburg community. As the event approaches, Wiles said she is most excited to see how this outreach will bring in more people who will hopefully enjoy the speakers.

“I am most excited to see how people in the audience react to our speakers,” Wiles said. “We have a wide array of topics that the speakers will be talking about. It will be interesting to see how their personalities mesh with what they’re talking about and to see how the audience reacts to them.”

$2 million grant from Mellon Foundation creates six new interdisciplinary COLL classes Grant promotes interdisciplinary learning and funds research, scholarship components of projects for six chosen faculty pairs COLL from page 3

will bring their areas of expertise together to look at how people remember past state violence. For example, class participants will talk to students in Argentina and Guatemala about those events.

Environmental science lecturer Dorothy Ibes and film and media studies lecturer Tanya Stadelmann are creating a class that will teach students about making environmental science documentaries.

Stadelmann said that the class will examine the tension between presenting scientific and humanistic elements in an environmental science documentary. Students will have the opportunity to conduct research outside of the classroom and

will produce a documentary on ecotherapy, the topic of Ibes’s research.

Stadelmann said that she struggled to understand the data when she was working on her first film, and she now is appreciative of those who helped her.

“I couldn’t understand the data, they couldn’t understand the data, so I needed to get a scientist to interpret it,” Stadelmann said. “They were very helpful in helping me understand what I was dealing with. I learned so much from it because I come from a more artistic film [background] and dealing with people who come from a hard science background is like two different ways of looking at a situation. It was interesting for them as well.”

Religious studies professor Annie Blazer and government professor Jamie Settle are creating a class researching how people signal their political ideologies through their non-political preferences.

“Liberals and conservatives have all these differences in the art they prefer and the beer they drink and the way they keep their desks organized,” Settle said. “It is not perfectly predictive. There are conservatives who love abstract art and liberals who prefer to drink Coors. On average, there are these differences. I got interested in how we know these things … That is how I arrived at it in terms of the social implications of our political views.”

The two professors are putting together a survey, and students will be involved in collecting data and

conducting a statistical analysis. In the humanities section of the class, students will learn how culture is portrayed in movies and look at ethnographic studies.

Tandeciarz said that she hopes students will gain a greater understanding of global problems and how different communities address these problems.

“I hope we will see more,” Tandeciarz said. “I am convinced that interdisciplinary is key to creative thinking and cutting edge practices. I think that two minds are always better than one and I think that collaboration can bring about the best work in people and make visible things that we don’t commonly think about. I hope we will find ways to make more of these collaborations possible.”

opinions

Opinions Editor Jennfier Cosgrove Opinions Editor Julia Stumbaugh fhopinions@gmail.com // @theflathat

The Flat Hat

| Friday, April 1, 2016 | Page 6

GUEST COLUMN

Why we need STEM

Thai Le

FLAT HAT GUEST COLUMNIST

GRAPHIC BY BRIAN KAO / THE FLAT HAT

A solar-paneled step toward sustainability

Madison Ochs

FLAT HAT ASSOCIATE SOCIAL MEDIA EDITOR

College students have a reputation for being both vocal and impassioned about social issues, yet one of the most common criticisms leveled against my demographic is that we complain without acting. We care only enough to debate, not to work toward solutions.

Given the opportunity, however, I like to believe that my peers and I would jump to action and take a chance at making a dent in social issues relevant to campus.

This is why the solar-powered charging station at the Terrace is so much more than a fancy gadget designed to impress passing tour groups. It is proof that the Tribe is unique in its awareness of social issues and in its desire for opportunities to act on them.

The table started as a seed of an idea, presented to the College of William and Mary’s Committee on Sustainability. It was approved for its feasibility, ability to reduce the College’s carbon footprint and energy usage, creativity, ingenuity and educational potential. The committee seeks projects that have long-term value not just from a financial standpoint but from an intellectual one as well; with the visual reminder of our efforts to be sustainable and environmentally conscious, students may gain increased interest in similar projects and support later efforts to make William and Mary emerald, gold and green.

Environmental awareness and sustainability are some of the

most talked-about and most misunderstood topics in today’s world. Americans are especially divided on whether climate change is actually occurring (surprise: it is, and we can fix it).

Thankfully, a recent poll at the University of Texas at Austin shows that as many as 76 percent of Americans do believe that global climate change is occurring. This is a substantial jump from recent numbers, and climate change doubters are vanishing at a rate almost as steady as that of the polar ice caps.

Whatever views someone holds on the issue, however, it is fairly easy to agree that the solar-powered charging station on the Sadler Terrace is an example of campus commitment to making a dent in major issues, and it is proof that college students actually have the capacity to act. The solar-powered charging station is a symbol of campus commitment to dialogue, thought provocation, problem solving and action.

Because it got people talking, the table is an enormous step forward for the College. The day it went up, I heard comments across a broad spectrum praising the table’s ingenuity and the presence of sustainability efforts.

Criticisms focused on the fact that it won’t produce a great deal of power and that it was expensive to construct and install. While these students won’t agree on a common viewpoint, they do agree on the table’s value as a conversation starter and as a source of stimulation for student minds. It brings the outside world inside our Williamsburg bubble, and it plainly reminds us that there are things to talk and think about other than classes and the standard stressors of college life.

We are in a unique position as college students. Seek out those experiences to make change and do some real experiential learning. The solar-powered charging station represents a group of students who pursued an idea and stayed committed to the end. Their efforts paid off, and so will yours.

If you think something needs some changing, dive into it. I guarantee that you will make an impact.

Email Madison Ochs at meochs@email.wm.edu.

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The solar-powered charging station on the Sadler Terrace is an example of campus commitment to making a dent in major issues, and it is proof that college students actually have the capacity to care.

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COMMENTS @THEFLATHAT

The story of cutting taxes without having the will and/ or the means to cut spending doesn’t have a happy ending except for those receiving the lion’s share of — James Watts on “Pick one: birther the tax cuts. conspiracies or socialist nightmare”

The core of a liberal arts education lies in its insistence that students reach out across disciplines in pursuit of becoming wellrounded individuals mindful of their civic duties. We, as liberal arts students, pride ourselves on our desire to step out into the communities surrounding us and make a meaningful difference.

“Make a difference.” This buzz-phrase is the driving force behind many young adults and millennials. For all the noted gripes about our narcissism, we, as a generation, are quite altruistic. We do not work toward a paycheck, but rather for a purpose. This appetite for purpose and meaning all while pursuing our passions empowers us as students at the College of William and Mary.

In the context of the modern world, a game-changing individual needs not only a passion for helping others, but also an understanding of the science and technology that is involved in possible innovations. However, there are engineers dedicated to what goes on behind-the-scenes, so why should more arts or businessoriented professionals work to understand the forces that be?

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Students should have the ability to develop a skillset that allows them to experiment with interdisciplinary skills.

The answer lies in the fact that today’s world is an increasingly technological one. It is one wherein familiar partnerships between perhaps less-technical professionals and their engineer colleagues yield ingenious developments for the global community. Take, for example, Japan’s robot bear nurses or Norfolk’s police training upgrades that utilize virtual reality (VR). These engineering developments alone are impressive. However, by enhancing health care or streamlining professional training, they evolve beyond their defined technical functions. Take note that health care and police training have matured independent of technology.

As seen through these examples, however, there are leaps and bounds to be made when we recognize how we may utilize science and technology in our responses to everyday problems. Therefore, to push boundaries and make our mark, we, as problem-solvers, should work to understand both the intimate, human details of a problem and its possible technological solutions.

The College prepares its students for the world’s interdisciplinary needs inherently as a liberal arts university, but also purposefully with its COLL curriculum, which emphasizes knowledge in three domains: Culture, Society, and Individual (CSI); Natural Quantitative Reasoning (NQR); and Arts, Letters, and Values (ALV). These three knowledge domains highlight the importance of exploring outside of your comfort zone and acquiring insight from another field’s point of view that will strengthen your overall knowledge base.

To be clear, I am not contending that every student know everything from astronomy to English to South East Asian Studies to mechanical engineering. But students should have the ability to develop a skillset that allows them to experiment with interdisciplinary skills. This requires students to practice working in unfamiliar fields that challenge them to use alternate problemsolving skills that they may not have practiced in their primary major.

We are presented with the problem of what skillsets to require of students, if we should require a stringent base skillset at all. Is it important that an English major have a working understanding of calculus? If so, how high-level should that knowledge be? How many, and what types of, writing courses should an engineering student be required to take? As we move forward as students, and later, as working professionals, we must consider what combination of skills it takes to effectively pursue the passions with which we came to the College.

Email Thai Le at ttle@email.wm.edu.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR:

COURTESY PHOTO / WIKIMEDIA

The City of Williamsburg faces an important election May 3. As a community with a diverse population, City Council must balance everyone’s interests.

Understanding all these points of view is a necessary requirement to successfully serve on City Council, and Barbara Ramsey is the best candidate to meet this challenge. As recent graduates of William and Mary, and former student representatives to the City of Williamsburg, we place our full support behind Barbara Ramsey for City Council.

Everyone who meets Barbara knows she bleeds Tribe Pride. Her passion and commitment to the College hasn’t wavered since graduating from the class of 1975. She goes out of her way to

interact with students, taking the time to learn about them as individuals and to hear the issues they face on campus and as members of the community.

What’s more, Barbara understands Williamsburg. She knows it’s a community with varying perspectives.

As a representative to the Neighborhood Relations Committee, she has worked to create a more cohesive community, responsibly balancing the interests of residents and students alike.

We know Barbara will make a difference. She is known for the gatherings she hosts in her backyard, personally inviting both students and residents to attend. We need a councilwoman who brings this spirit of collaboration to town-gown

relations – it’s time to bring Barbara’s backyard to City Council.

Whether you are a student or resident, we strongly urge you to make the informed choice and vote Barbara Ramsey on to City Council.

Colin Danly ’15 The writer was president of the Student Assembly 2014-2015.

Drew Wilke ’15 The writer was Chief of Staff of the Student Assembly 2014-2015.

Scott Caravello ’15 The writer was a representative of the Neighborhood Relations Committee 2014-2015.

Chase Koontz ’14 The writer was president of the Student Assembly 2013-2014.

variety CARVING A CULTURAL CONNECTION

Variety Editor Sam Dreith Variety Editor Sarah Ruiz flathat.variety@gmail.com // @theflathat

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I didn’t want to look at the log at first; I was terrified of what I had committed myself to.

Robert Davidson —

COURTESY PHOTO / ROBERT DAVIDSON

The photo above is one of Davidson’s pieces. Davidson used his art to give back to his elders, when he offered to construct the first totem pole the community had seen since 1880.

Guest lecturer speaks about reconnecting to his history through traditional art EMILY CHAUMONT FLAT HAT NEWS EDITOR

A diverse group of students, faculty and community members poured through the doors of the Commonwealth Auditorium Tuesday, March 23 to hear Haida artist and activist Robert Davidson give a talk, entitled “An Innocent Gesture.” Attendees kept arriving even after the talk began, filling nearly all of the seats in the auditorium.

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“Every time I came home, I felt an emptiness,” Davidson said. “I felt an emptiness where my spirit was.”

Davidson said that he had a deep connection with the elders in his community, as he and his grandparents had a strong relationship. He said that after recognizing the “emptiness” for what it was — a disconnect with his culture — he decided to offer a totem pole to the elders. The totem pole would be a way for the community to celebrate its culture in a way that had been prevented for a long

The Flat Hat | Friday, April 1, 2016 | Page 7

to raise the pole, but the elders elected to have the whole community raise the pole together instead, reinforcing the community-building and traditional aspect of the pole’s creation.

He said that raising it manually added to the feeling of triumph that the community felt in the reclamation of their cultural traditions after years of oppression.

“It felt like a championship game that we were winning,” Davidson said. “It opened the door for songs to be sung again, it opened the door for dances to be danced, and it was an incredible experience.”

One of the talk’s sponsors was the College’s

American Indian Student Association, which celebrated their second annual powwow recently.

AISA Co-president Emily Williams ’18 said she was glad so many people attended Davidson’s talk and suggested that perhaps the audience was so robust because a number of professors had offered extra credit in their classes for attending.

She also expressed concerns about the lack of campus awareness about Native American issues more generally. She said that AISA is working to recruit more members and expand their events to increase awareness of the community.

“The biggest problem is getting an audience together,” Williams said. “We’re such a small group on campus and such an underrepresented group in general. It’s not so easy to garner interest.”

Williams said she was touched by the personal nature of the story Davidson chose to share in his talk.

“I found it to be a pretty intimate story,” Williams said. “I was pretty surprised. He went a lot into how his family helped him, a lot about what it meant to his community and how it changed everything. You could tell it meant a lot to him.”

Davidson closed his talk by answering audience questions about the story he told. He expressed his hope for the growing re-acceptance of Haida culture in his hometown and beyond, citing art, spirituality, song and dance as ways to both connect with and propagate culture.

“It strengthens our connection to our cultural past,” Davidson said. “And it creates a foundation for us to grow from.”

It felt like a championship game we were winning. It opened the door for songs to be sung again, it opened the door for dances to be danced, and it was an incredible experience.

—

The lecture was introduced by chemistry professor Carey Bagdassarian, who thanked the event’s sponsors, including the Center for the Liberal Arts, the office of the Arts and Sciences Dean, Reves Center for International Studies, American Indian Resource Center, American Indian Student Association and the Muscarelle Museum of Art. This lecture was meant to tie into the theme of this year’s COLL 300 courses. Bagdassarian took the time to explain this new element of the College of William and Mary’s curriculum.

“The on-campus aspect of the COLL 300 class brings the world to William and Mary,” Bagdassarian said.

He said that each semester, the COLL 300 classes will focus on a particular theme, with this semester’s theme being unrest. Davidson spoke about his experience attempting to revitalize the culture of the First Nations Haida people in his hometown of Masset, British Columbia, Canada after many decades of oppression.

When he took to the stage, dressed in bright colors, speaking slowly and deliberately, Davidson showed personal photos of his family, friends and community. He shared the story of the time in his youth where he carved the first totem pole his town had raised since 1880.

He said that growing up he had very little knowledge of Haida culture, as his community was not allowed to practice their traditions. He felt a disconnect between himself and his ancestry, between the First Nations cultures he learned about in school, and what he observed when he came back home to his family.

Robert Davidson

time because of injustices enacted against First Nations people.

He began to carve the first totem pole Masset had seen in decades. It was an ambitious project, and Davidson said he had some reservations when he first took it on.

“I didn’t want to look at the log at first; I was terrified of what I had committed to,” Davidson said. “But after asking myself, ‘Why am I doing this?’ I got tired of that question and said, ‘I’ll find out later.’”

After finding his own sense of determination, Davidson spent three and a half months carving the totem pole out of a massive log. According to Davidson, he received a large amount of support from his family, especially his grandfather, who helped him carve the totem pole even though he was nearly 95 percent blind.

“He cared so much about what I was doing; it really helped me maintain my commitment,” Davidson said.

He said his brother, father and other relatives helped with the carving even when they had other responsibilities to attend to. In particular, his father started to build a shed to house the totem pole while Davidson was carving it, but because it was fishing season, he didn’t have time to finish building it.

“On a rainy day we’d carve on the sheltered side,” Davidson said. “And on a nice day we’d carve on the exposed part.”

When the totem pole was completed, the community manually raised it together. According to Davidson, there was a crane in the village at the time and the crane’s owners offered to use it

COURTESY PHOTO / JERRY HART

Davidson had little knowledge of Haida culture growing up, as his community was not allowed to practice its traditions.

sports

Sports Editor Nick Cipolla Sports Editor Josh Luckenbaugh flathatsports@gmail.com

The Flat Hat | Friday, April 1, 2016 | Page 8

BASEBALL

MEN’S GYMNASTICS

Power surge COURTESY PHOTO / TRIBE ATHLETICS

Freshman catcher Hunter Smith drove in a career-high six runs on three hits, including a bases-clearing double, during the College’s 15-10 victory over Hofstra Saturday afternoon.

Tribe offense out-muscles Hofstra in rain-shortened weekend series CHRIS TRAVIS FLAT HAT ASSOC. SPORTS EDITOR

The William and Mary offense found its stride over the weekend, winning both games against Colonial Athletic Association opponent Hofstra with impressive scoring tallies. On Friday, the College (12-11, 4-1 CAA) broke a 3-3 tie with twelve straight runs to win 14-6. The Tribe followed this performance with another big day at the plate, beating the Pride 15-10 on Saturday behind three home runs.

Friday, Hofstra (5-18, 0-2 CAA) started the scoring with a quick RBI double. In the bottom of the first, the Tribe countered when sophomore left fielder Ryan Hall doubled to send junior right fielder Charles Ameer home. Soon after, senior first baseman Charley Gould doubled to score Hall and give the College a 2-1 advantage.

With the game tied at three entering the bottom of the third inning, the Tribe offense took over, scoring four runs in the inning to take a 7-3 lead. In the bottom of the fourth, freshman shortstop Kyle Wrighte hit a two-RBI single, which was immediately followed by Ameer’s home Ameer run.

William and Mary punched in two more runs in the fifth inning to take a 14-3 lead that the Pride could not overcome, ultimately triumphing 14-6.

Ameer led the Tribe offense on Friday, going 4 for 6 at the plate, with four runs batted in and two runs scored, including a home run. Freshman catcher Hunter Smith also had a strong game, going 4 for 5 at the plate, including a double and a triple. Wrighte finished 3 for 5 with three RBIs and three runs scored.

Junior right-handed pitcher Dan Powers picked up the win for the College after pitching the first six innings, improving his season record to 3-1.

Sophomore right-handed pitcher Michael Toner secured his first save of the season in relief of Powers, pitching the final three innings.

The Tribe offense picked up right where it left off on Saturday; after Hofstra took an early lead after a threerun homer in the top of the first, the Tribe was quick to respond. In the bottom of the second, Wrighte smashed a Wrighte single into right field to drive a run home. Then, senior center fielder Josh Smith hit a sacrifice fly to bring Hunter Smith home.

In the bottom of the third, sophomore second baseman Cullen Large hit a double to drive home two runs and tie the game at 4. Two more runs by the end of the inning gave the Tribe a slight 6-4 lead entering the fourth.

Hall singled to drive home Ameer in the bottom of the sixth. In the next at-bat, Gould singled to send junior designated hitter Ryder Miconi home.

Hunter Smith hit a double immediately after to drive Gould and Hall home and to cap off a fourrun inning for the College, who then held a 10-7 advantage.

Two runs in the top of the seventh for Hofstra trimmed the Tribe lead to one, 10-9. A Gould single in the bottom of the seventh sent Ameer home, and a huge bases-clearing double from Hunter Smith pushed the gap to 14-9 to put the game out of reach. One more run for each team left the final score at 15-10 for another William and Mary win.

Ameer again led the Tribe offense, going 4-for-6 in his at-bats and scoring two runs. Hunter Smith starred yet again, going 3-for-4 at the plate with six RBIs. As a team, the College had 17 hits compared to just eight for the Pride.

Freshman left-hander Bodie Sheehan picked up the win for the Tribe to improve to 2-3 on the season, allowing just one hit in over three innings of action. Pitching just over an inning to close the

game without allowing any hits or runs, senior right-handed pitcher Joseph Gaouette picked up his fifth save of the year.

The third game of the series was scheduled for Sunday but was cancelled due to wet field conditions. The College will face Georgetown at home this weekend in a three-game series. The first game is set for Friday, April 1 at 6 p.m. at Plumeri Park, with first pitch for Saturday and Sunday’s games scheduled for 4 p.m and 1 p.m., respectively.

COURTESY PHOTO / TRIBE ATHLETCS

Freshman reliever Bodie Sheehan won Saturday’s game.

Tribe fourth at USA meet Meyer wins parallel bars NICK CIPOLLA FLAT HAT SPORTS EDITOR William and Mary began championship season over the weekend, taking fourth in the field of five Friday at the USA Gymnastics Collegiate National Championships in Springfield, Mass. before the individual event finals Saturday, where three men earned AllAmerican honors for the Tribe.

In Friday’s team finals, the College scored 405.1 points, 20.25 points behind meet champion Air Force’s 425.35. Army took second at 413.85 points, followed closely by Navy with 412.85 points. The Tribe defeated one team, host Springfield, who finished at 402.6 points.

The College’s scoring breakdown was 67.150 on floor, 65.950 on pommel horse, 65.900 on rings, 69.900 on vault, 68.700 on parallel bars and 67.500 on high bars. Although the Tribe did not claim gold for any event of the team finals, three student-athletes qualified for Saturday’s individual finals. To cap off Friday’s events, the all-around individual event took place, where junior Aria Sabbagh took sixth to make the cut for USA Gymnastics All-America honors, scoring 79 points.

On Saturday, three other members of the Tribe joined Sabbagh on the All-America list.

Junior Rob Meyer won the individual parallel bars title, scoring a career-high 14.675 in the event. Following Meyer were two freshmen, Jacopo Gliozzi and Peter Makey. Gliozzi was well within range for All-American honors with a third-place finish on pommel horse at 14.2.

Makey just made the six-man list in the No. 6 spot on rings, scoring 13.275.

The Tribe returns home to Kaplan Arena to continue championship season, hosting the Eastern Collegiate Athletic Championship April 2-3.

COURTESY PHOTO / TRIBE ATHLETCS

Junior Rob Meyer won the parallel bars this weekend.

LACROSSE

Tribe doubles up Liberty 10-5 to extend winning streak to three Six players score as College dominates Flames to finish non-conference slate with impressive 6-4 record JOSH LUCKENBAUGH FLAT HAT SPORTS EDITOR Facing an in-state opponent for the third straight game, William and Mary continued its winning ways Saturday with a 10-5 road victory over Liberty, the final game before Colonial Athletic Association play begins this week. The win moves the College record to 6-4, the first time since 2010-11 that the Tribe has finished their non-conference slate .500 or above.

After the Flames (1-8) opened the scoring at the 28:45 mark, the College rattled off seven straight goals to close the first half, outshooting the hosts 15-7 in the period. Sophomore midfielder McKinley Wade evened the score at one at 21:36 with the College a man up following a yellow card issued to Liberty’s Colleen Ekert. Sophomore attack Abby Corkum put the Tribe ahead for

good two minutes later, scoring off an assist from freshman midfielder Maddie Torgerson.

Following junior midfielder and leading goal-scorer Shannon Quinn’s strike at 14:14, the Tribe netted its final four goals of the first half from free position, the College benefitting from the Flames’ penchant for fouling and entering the half with a 7-1 advantage. No one player did the damage from free position for the College, as each goal came from someone different.

Wade and Quinn both picked up Quinn their second goals of the match respectively, coming after tallies from sophomore midfielder Emma MacLeod and freshman attack Eloise Gagnon. Quinn’s goal total for

the season now stands at 27, the most of any CAA player so far in 2016.

The Tribe dominated the stat sheet in the first half, controlling the game in nearly every facet. In addition to their overwhelming advantage in goals scored and shots, the College claimed 10 ground balls compared to Liberty’s six, and won the draw control battle 6-3. The Tribe back line also had a stellar first 30 minutes, making nine out of 10 successful clears, while senior goalkeeper Meredith Crizer made Crizer four of her five saves in the first half.

The second half proved to be much more competitive, with the Flames outscoring the Tribe 4-3. Once again Liberty scored the first goal of the half,

however, Corkum had the answer at 26:39, finding the back of the net after being denied from free position less than a minute earlier, putting the Tribe ahead 8-2.

Senior attack Kelly Martins padded the lead with her first goal of the season with Martins 22:47 remaining, the College once again a man up due to a Flames yellow card. Martins scored again late in the half, the final goal in the match to give the Tribe their 10-5 winning scoreline.

Liberty scored three unanswered after Martins’ first goal, the Tribe less assertive while holding a commanding lead throughout the second half.

The Flames capitalized on the Tribe’s 11 turnovers in the half, even going a

man up when sophomore midfielder Lindsay Koch received a yellow card.

While the College outshot Liberty 12-9 in the second half, the Flames took better advantage of their chances over the final 30 minutes, buoyed also by goalie Katherine Widrick’s six second-half saves.

Martins scored her second goal from free position with 4:52 to play, and the Tribe didn’t allow a shot on target the rest of the way to close out the commanding 10-5 victory. For the game the College outshot Liberty 27-16, six players scoring in a well-balanced offensive performance. From ground balls to draw controls to turnover margin, the Tribe outperformed the Flames up and down the box score.

The College starts conference play this Saturday, taking on in-state rival James Madison in Harrisonburg, Va. Start time is set for 1 p.m.

in vino varietas

Variety Editors | The Spice Merchants sheepandfeelings@gmail.com // @thefathead

The Fat Head| Friday, April 1, 2016 | Page 9

BEHIND BRICK WALLS

The shadows lengthen in Millington

Have you ever dared to venture into the room of many doors?

R007 YOU ONLY COPY TWICE

Many students hear weird stories about campus’ most popular roach hotspot, Millington Hall. Few students, however, understand that ancient horror lurking within its walls: the infamous “door room.”

On the surface, the door room is what it sounds like — a basement classroom with an unnerving amount of doors. Some say the exact number changes every time you enter the room.

Within these doors, you will find stained couches, broken desks, not to mention chalkboards with all sorts of interesting graffiti (“help”, “turn back”, “please forgive me”).

Where’d these doors come from?

Psychology experiment gone wrong.

Secret passages leading to the Wren Crypt. Tear in the fabric of space-time.

A lair created by a monster too hideous for human comprehension. Everyone’s got a theory about the origins of the door room.

One student who came close to learning more about the secrets of the room is Chloe Kalanchoe ’17.

“One evening I was leaving late at night to go get some Wawa mac and cheese. I remember telling my roommate goodbye, grabbing my key and ID, walking to the door of my dorm room and stepping through. The next

thing I know I’m walking out one of the closet doors in the back of that classroom,” Kalanchoe said. “I tried to go back through the door I entered but it was locked. I kept trying doors until I found one that was unlocked, but when I looked inside all I saw was...”

At the memory, Kalanchoe’s face went blank and she abruptly concluded the interview.

In an effort to investigate what Kalanchoe saw, The Fat Head sent in some interns to document the passageways beyond the doors on film. One week later, the film team has yet to turn up, and the blurry footage they managed to uploaded consists of a continuous shot of the winding halls, punctuated with high-pitched laughter and, at times, what sounds like ominous Latin chanting.

With the demolition of the building finally in sight, there is hope that the horrors of the Millington door room will finally end. To expedite the unholy den’s destruction, an exorcism to be conducted by College President Taylor Reveley is scheduled for July 21, immediately followed by a sacrificial burning of campus parking spaces.

Editor’s note: Seriously though, if you see some freaked out looking freshman wearing press passes wandering around New Campus, please let us know.

COURTESY PHOTO / FOUND FOOTAGE

“The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all the contents of Millington Hall’s basement.” — HP Twampcraft

Disembodied presidential heads conquer DoG Street L.N.R SHEEP OUT LIKE A LION

Colonial Williamsburg Foundation President Mitchell Reiss made a bold move Thursday, replacing all the buildings along Duke of Gloucester Street with 20-foot tall busts of the 43 American presidents.

The stores along DoG Street were demolished overnight.

Colonial workers were aghast when they reported for duty at the millinery shop, only to find that their store full of sack-back gowns and waistcoats had been replaced with likenesses of Gerald Ford and William Henry Harrison.

Students on their early morning jogs turned and ran away in fear when they saw the hulking form of Jimmy Carter peering out over the rubble that was once the College Bookstore.

“We at the College welcome as neighbors these robust heads of our forefathers,” College President and presidential enthusiast Taylor Reveley said. “We won’t be able to walk anywhere without remembering the grit of our founding fathers.”

The busts were transported from an abandoned farm outside Colonial Williamsburg. Reiss struck a bargain with the farmer to procure the busts, who agreed to give Colonial Williamsburg the busts in exchange for a throne created from the smelted down pewter from the Pewter Shop.

“I’m glad my busts could be of help to this colonial hamlet. Now I have use of my backyard and can finally

begin growing maize,” the farmer said. “Reiss has paid the pewter price.”

Students are beginning to adjust to the drastic changes that have been made to Colonial Williamsburg. The AMP Late Night Committee has sent scouts to examine the new heads and their surrounding terrain in order to set up a laser tag course for their upcoming event. During this event, students will gather at 9 p.m. on the night before the Last Day of Classes to engage in intense laser warfare.

Abraham Lincoln and Dwight Eisenhower, whose busts bookend both ends of DoG Street, will serve as home bases.

“Members of the Tribe will unleash their own personal brand of savagery,” AMP Mascot Scamp the Squirrel said.

“Students will receive extra lives if they quote presidential speeches upon making a kill. I can’t think of a more appropriate activity for this historical school.”

Some students also plan to address the absence of our current president, Barack Obama, among the ranks of busts. Several art students will gather every night next week in Andrews Hall to construct and sculpt a 20-foot bust of Obama. They will meet at midnight and blast the Righteous Brothers’ “Unchained Melody”, featured prominently in the 1990 film Ghost, while they work.

“It’s really the only choice of music when sculpting,” said art student Briya Prito ’17. “It pumps us up and chills us out at the same time. We all need to channel our inner Demi Moore when forming the countenance of our Commander in Chief.”

COURTESY PHOTO / ONE REALLY ANGRY TOURIST

“Every move you make, FDR will be watching you”: Colonial Williamsburg’s marketing research indicated that target audiences love being ogled by the plaster visages of dead statesmen.

CONFUSED CORNER

Open letter to underclassmen: We are very confused

Sweet Summer Child

STARTED FROM THE HIGGINBOTTOM NOW HE’S HERE

Hi there, it’s me! Your local happy freshman! Whether I’ve been on campus for months or minutes, you can always count on me to write an open letter or two hundred about everything I’ve learned through my collegiate experience that you couldn’t have possibly learned through yours. I’ll taking a step back from the grisly detail of meaningful discourse to look at the big picture, which I will then painstakingly explain through innumerous and vague platitudes! But this edition is a very special one, because I’m going to generalize about my previous simplistic and reductionist ramblings with the Ultimate Platitude to rule them all!

A Unique Open Letter discussing college life to current Freshman: How to College in x-amount of ways -Always share your open letters with your upperclassmen friends.

Sure, they may be hand-tailored and crafted for a message specifically for first year students, but there’s a lot of good stuff for upperclassmen too.

Everyone will feel welcome with the inclusivity of these open messages, and you’ll also have your secret insiders club with the freshman over this special message that only you share.

-You have to be in love with your freshman hall. Your freshman hall is literally your soul manifested as a score of so fellow human beings living in the same building as you. They will be your bestest bestest friends till the end of time. You must order pizza for them, tickle them under the ears, walk them three times a day, and always use positive language with compliments.

-The only thing more important than loving your freshman hall is allowing yourself to be you individually without anyone else ever.

Your freshman hall is just a random sample of college students that, statistically speaking, probably contains less than one person with whom you actually want to be friends. I mean honestly, we all had like four friends, maybe, in highschool? 1,514 total students in class of 2019, breaks down to about one friend per every 378.5 students. Freshmen aren’t inherently friends. These are the same bastards that keep you awake and clog the drains. Screw your freshman hall.

-Never sleep with anyone on your freshman hall. Dormcest is illegal in 23 states and the District of Columbia. Your freshman hall is your family, they are a collective, uniform mass of platonic bonds. If all else fails, the best way to prevent dormcest is to have dormcest. It’s legal in 27 states after all. There’s nothing like finding a soulmate in the random

shuffle of strangers that is your freshman hall. The days of being just a hall away may be limited, so screw like rabbits while you have the chance.

-Your Major doesn’t define you. You are a beautiful human being, who has thoughts, feelings, and memories. You can love and be loved.

Just because you failed a bio test doesn’t mean you’re any less of a human. Remember, it’s what we do that defines us, so if you want to be defined as a doctor rather than a useless deadbeat, you should major pre-med, chem, or bio. What we do today determines who we are tomorrow, so you need to pass that damn bio test. The first step to gainful employment is dedicating yourself to a single profession that defines your entire existence.

-Take new classes and experience new things.

-Take classes in familiar subjects so you become more comfortable with the College.

-Your first year doesn’t matter, its ok to struggle. But remember, you need to straighten yourself up and get off to a good start freshman year cause that GPA only goes down after year 1.

-It’s ok to change majors. That being said, it is vital that you don’t ever consider changing your major.

-College is about more than finding a job. It’s about finding friends, finding yourself, and finding your passion in life. But it’s ok if you don’t fit in and thus have no friends, and we spend our whole lives figuring ourselves out, and your passion is a fluid concept. Just get a job after your four years, cause that’s really the sole purpose of college.

sporks

MAKE ZABLE GREAT AGAIN

Sportsball Reporter Dude Sumer Higgurat

The Fat Head

| Friday, April 1, 2016 | Page 10

Empty seat construction nearly completed SUMMERTIME HIGGS VOICE OF ESTABLISHMENT Construction of Zable Stadium is set to be completed eventually, and Yimmje LeeCock couldn’t be more excited for the additional 20,000 seats on the new upper deck.

“With 20,000 extra empty seats for home games, we’re going to have a heck of an environment to play in” LeeCock said. “Imagine the opponents anxiety of seeing

just a hint of green and gold against a massive backdrop of gray, lifeless, and absolutely silent concrete.”

Elaborating on what he calls “the silent treatment”, LeeCock hopes that the hollow echo of the quarterback cadence ricocheting against the cold, barren stands will unsettle the other teams players and coaching staff.

“Teams are used to big jeering crowds that scream so loud that the players can hear themselves

think,” LeeCock said. “But now when they come to Williamsburg, they’ll be completely out of their element in the peace and tranquility of Zable. Eventually they’ll think that no one cares about football, and that ought to crush their morale and ego.”

LeeCock added “Maybe they’ll think that they themselves are all dead, or Williamsburg is all dead, or it’s a dream, or football doesn’t exist or something like that; kinda like that episode in

Twilight Zone.

“It sure cost a ton of money, but we have a lot of psych majors on the team, and they think it’ll work” Leecock said. “All we need now is no one to show up to games, which pretty much happens on its own anyway.”

At press time, it was difficult to confirm whether or not anyone cared about football, as students were preoccupied with bitching about how alumni choose to spend their own damn money.

NEWS IN ATHLETIC SHORTS

EXERCISES IN FUTILITY

No.52 Tennis falls to No. 51 Riots ensued Monday morning when the Women’s Tennis ranking polls were released. “This really jeopardizes our playoff hopes” said no one. “It’s utter BS that San Jose State gets that No.52 spot” random Tennis Alum said. “They’re like, No.56 at best, and that’s fucking generous”

Lou Roads gets 45 speed rating on NCAA 2015, says he’s “pissed” Jean Ellin Releases Commencement Speech early, no surprises

Spring Offensive

“Yeah, I figured I’d just elaborate on how exactly we defeated Germany and Japan” Ellin said. “Really, it all comes down to your midfield line, remember that Class of 2016 as you head out into the world.” Ellin also said she would ideally like to stage dive at the end admist cheers of USA! USA!, and specify that international conquest is all that

A nameless William and Mary player charges the Richmond defenses in the NCAA 1st round of the Playoffs, soon to be counted among the losses in the 48-13 utter defeat to the Spiders/Germans

Spring practice begins after worst loss to U of R since WWI

Men’s soccer feels “threatened” by Women’s soccer’s infinite superiority Tribe Volleyball game stories moved

SOBERING HUMAN MIGHT FLAT HAT SPORTS EDITOR Without waiting for the buttercups to fully bloom in the luscious meadows of Williamsburg, spring practice began in earnest in the cozy confines of Zable stadium this past week. The only team on everyone’s mind: the Richmond Spiders.

Indeed, the Spiders grip the consciousness of the College in the same fashion as a brain tumor, a painful headache with an impending sense of doom.

After several failed takes by the College sports propaganda unit Der Tribe Athletikz, head coach Jimmy LeKoch finally appeared passably sincere on camera in declaring his excitement to face the arch-rival.

“Yeah, we will play them next year… and it will be in the game of football” LeKoch said, shifting uncomfortably. “And I coach that sport… football so I will be there as well... I gue-er… I know.”

After his display of supreme confidence, LeKoch promptly declared off-camera that in no fashion whatsoever, and regardless of evidence to the contrary, and though it may seem eerily similar to last year’s pair of humiliating defeats, he is more excited than he was for this past season’s matchup in the playoffs against Richmond, although “I was also excited

for that, and I don’t know why everyone keeps acting like I wasn’t, cause I totally was.”

LeKoch’s quote prior to last year’s playoff game against the arch-Rival Richmond --- a blood feud dating back over a century that any coach with a soul should have fire in his eyes, hot bile in his tone, and boiling blood in his veins when discussing the divine chance to play such an adversary in playoffs--- struck fear into the hearts of his enemies and inspired William and Mary players with the strength of a thousand men. His eternal words: “It’s not the best matchup, but yeah I guess we’ll play Richmond.”

This legendary speech shall go down in the ages as among the greatest addresses ever given by mankind, truly unsurpassed by all save the lone exception of his peroration the week prior.

After surrendering 423 yards through the air, permitting six touchdowns, committing four turnovers, and allowing a 9 of 14 conversion rate on third down to a mediocre and unranked DuKane team in the NCAA first round, LeKoch was a triumphant Caesar returning to the brick walls of the building that holds his name. Despite the fact DuKane doubled its season-average offensive production against the Tribe, lost to effing Albany, and this shitshow of a team only lost to

WM because Ty Claymore blocked a field goal for DeAwesome HoustawesomeCarsawesome to return 99 yards for a touchdown, LeKoch saw no wrongs.

When confronted with the litany of botched plays and terrible execution and which of these tragedies of football he is most concerned about for next week, he firmly responded with the declaration of a generation: “52-49” Because, you know, the team with more points on the scoreboard is like, the winner. After this timeless insight, the College marched on to Richmond to lose 48-13, the worst defeat to Richmond since 1916, prior to the US entrance into World War I. Woodrow Wilson had just won reelection with “He Kept Us Out of The War” at the time of the 1916 loss. 99 years later, LeKoch retains his 36 year coaching term with the somewhat-less compelling “He Kept Us Out of the Endzone”. As the coaches were preoccupied with “The War to End All Wars” and figuring out how to create flying machines for prolonged selfpropelled flight, the play calls of 1916 were certainly lacking. The Fat Head tried to reach out to them, but it appears they all died, possibly in the Great Influenza of 1918, or maybe of starvation in the Dust Bowl, or potentially of any minor infected

cut as the team predates the discovery of to the obiturary pages for Fall 2016 penicillin by a dozen years.

Assuming 11 men on each side of Students Protest “that big the ball, roughly 2,178 football players found a way to not suck this badly until building over near the Caf” this squad fell through in November of 2015 after 99 years of respective wins and “What is that place even used for?” losses. That team of 1916 witnessed two students asked themselves as they World Wars, a Great Depression, the rise loitered on the Wren steps with signs. of Communism, and nuclear weapons, “We will continue to make vague but fortunately did not have to watch the demands until the Student-Activities only game against Richmond worse than Fair building gets more usage!” their own due to the mercies of the grave. Another student pointed out that the As far a summary goes, the College Covocation building stands empty saluted the flag for the national anthem; all of the year except for Charter a flag with 2 more stars than in 1916. The Day, Student Activities Fair, and College threw three interceptions; a new garduation. “That’s such a waste” component of football back in 1916 as the the activist stated. At press time, the forward pass had only existed for three building in question was identified years. The team also had a diverse roster as Kaplan Arena, home of many Tribe compared to 1916 as the Civil Rights act sports teasm. “How the fuck were we was still half a century into the future for supposed to know that?” the 1916 unit.

At press time, the offensive line was Students at WM secretly pleased working on tackling drills for U of R the Tribe didn’t make the interception returns, while the defense tournament, allowing them to took a bus to the nearest salon to all dye their hair purple. The punt team maintain both bracket integrity was in the middle of their fourth 4-hour and school spirit. practice of the day, aiming for at least 4 Masochistic Tribe Lacrosse inks punts per offensive drive. LeKoch calls the drills “preparing for the real thing contract to play the NCAA champion for the week opener until 2050 when Richmond comes to town.”

Coach, Wm basketball under investigation

UN, NCAA, one f*cking student activist find human rights violations SOMEBODY HITTINBOTTOMS LOCAL SPORTS BUZZKILLER Conceding that it was “certainly a mental mistake” and “possibly a violation of human rights,” head coach Toney Razor finally opened up to the Fat Head about the brewing scandal surrounding Conroy Butterfield and the Tribe’s offseason training protocol.

“It was early June, and I thought it would be nice to play some hoops down in Thrilliamsburg for a team practice” Razor said. “It was great to be back in the building, but we had 11 guys show up for a game of half-court five on five, and obviously, an eleventh man doesn’t match up well in 5 on 5.”

“I told Conroy to just shoot some threes at the opposite end. We had a great 5 on 5 practice, though Whittier would’ve fouled out in 3 minutes if it’d been the real deal. I

guess we left the building, it all gets hazy for me.”

Sources in Kaplan clarified that the basketball team left the building without notifying Butterfield at the other end of the court. Though the lights were turned out and all 15 entrances to the building locked, Butterfield kept shooting from beyond the arc.

“Yeah I wasn’t really that concerned” Butterfield said. “I often got locked in dark rooms growing up at the orphanage.”

Two and a half months later, Razor walked back into Kaplan “because it’s such a fun building” and was shocked to see Butterfield not only alive and conscious, but still firing from beyond the arc.

“I really don’t know what he did for food and water” Razor said. “No one buys anything from the concessions stand so I doubt it was stocked to support a man for

over two months. He was a little skiddish when I first walked in, had to coax him out from under the stands with some chocolate, but other than that, he looked great.”

Added Razor: “And man he was really hitting from beyond the arc.”

Butterfield went on to post the best three-point conversion percentage in NCAA basketball, prompting visits from Malkomn Bragdon and Steff Currey, and also directly inspring Butterfield’s Summer Three-Point Extravaganza Camp. Razor said he was pleased with his development, but still has a couple regrets.

“Imagine if I’d told him to work on jump shots, or rebounding, or hell anything else in addition to threes, he’d be really, really good… If this training technique clears the NCAA and UN investigation, we’ll definitely take another look at prolonged isolation for off-season preparation.”

and

Lacrosse signs deal with Sodexo

Injuries have gone up, but gameplay has improved across the board

COURTESY PHOTO / TRIBE ATHLETICS