Vol. 420, Iss. 69 | Monday, April 1, 2019
The Fat Head “Democracy Dies in Blackout”
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WHODUNNIT?
SMUG ASSHOLES
Boylan filibusters SA with his fiddle
Senate remains inefficient as usual as old boys reign
Ladies of Alpha linked to Griffin statue castration
SILENT MAJORITY SARAH SICK AND TIRED SA REPORTER
In a particularly robust meeting, Student Assembly President Brendan “Irish” Boylan ’19 broke out a fiddle and demanded that the College of William and Mary’s elected representatives sing along, demonstrating an appropriate use of student fees. “This is what our students want,” Boylan said. “Why use our student fees for things that matter like decent spring concerts or safety initiatives? We should give the students Irish folk.” His vice president, Smiley Tawalare ’19, simply said “Yeet” in response. The fiddle playing summoned the ghosts of SA past. Former reps Jonah No ’19, Dan Affluent ’16 and Danny O’CollegeDelly ’18 joined in the celebration, championing the old boys club mentality. The group announced they were prepared to filibuster for three hours just to continue hearing the sound of their own voices. Incoming SA President Kelsey Votes ’20 rolled her eyes. She raised her hand to speak, although she was never called on. Down the agenda, below Boylan’s very important executive announcement was her newest bill, the Make Senators Behave Like Adults Act. If passed, this bill would reprimand senators for childish behavior demonstrated at Culture Café happy hours, demand that they refrain from talking over their peers and lastly, serve as a reminder that they represent constituents who largely do not care about their Tuesday night proceedings. To help make her point, Votes also promised to bring in local preschool teachers to demonstrate the virtues of sharing and caring. “The time is now that we take our roles seriously,” Votes said, finally giving up on waiting to be called on. “Seriously guys. Have none of you read our code? Do literally any of you even understand how SA works?” Her question was rhetorical, of course. Only Sen. Jack Townie ’18 ’19 ‘IDK cared about the code, although he was not sure whether he preferred Boylan or Votes’ leadership styles. His only real priority was defending his beloved safety measures, now defunded for Boylan’s impromptu Irish folk performance. “I am prepared to sit in a crosswalk for hours, for days,” Townie said. “I will sit in any crosswalk on campus until I am hit to prove that we need to take campus safety seriously. I might even make a meme about it.” By the time the clock struck 10 p.m., two tired Fat Head reporters in the back struggled to keep their eyes open. Tawalare desperately drew “:D” faces on the whiteboard at the front of the room to boost morale, as Boylan and his old boys cohort grew tired. A law school rep, having finished reading through the U.S. Constitution 32 times during the meeting, asked, “How does folk music apply to the grad schools?” No one had a real answer. “Remember, everything we do in SA is incredibly intentional,” Boylan said. “This performance was to remind everyone that sometimes, literally anything is more efficient than usual senate proceedings.” Editor’s Note: Jack Townie ’18 ’19 ’IDK is also Fat Head Internet Dungeonmaster. His involvement with SA is not on behalf of the paper’s interests, except, of course, when it is.
ELEANOR NEVERMORE // ONCE UPON A MONDAY DREARY
T
he College of William and Mary community is collectively reeling in the face of the discovery that the Griffin statue outside Zable Stadium has been separated from its genitals. Catherine Cashew, a sophomore living in the Bryan Complex, discovered the scene of bronze carnage yesterday while on an early-morning run. “Every morning on my run I take a quick glance at the Griffin balls, you know, for motivation,” Cashew said. “Today I thought something looked a little different and so I slowed to a jog and took a closer look under the tail. That’s when I saw they were gone. The balls were just gone.” Right below the missing testicles, two yellow roses were left on the pedestal. Next to the roses, a note was also left which read, “Can you believe these f— bastards put up a f— Griffin statue before a statue of a woman?” The note was written in careful cursive on a piece of yellow stationery adorned with the greek letter alpha. The Ladies of Alpha, the all-women secret society at the College, have not taken credit for the genital larceny despite the incriminating note found on the scene and the well-worn, dog-eared copy of “Milk and Honey” by Rupi Kaur found nearby. Martha Barksdale ’21, who has been dead since 1974, could not be reached for comment after multiple Ouija board-related outreach efforts from The Fat Head staff. After Cashew posted a picture of the scene in the Swampy Memes for Twampy Teens student-run Facebook group, she called the William and Mary Police Department. “I don’t know, I was honestly kind of expecting the post to get more reaccs,” Cashew said. “But I guess the comment-to-like ratio was pretty decent. I got at least 12 angry reaccs and 7 hahas, which was nice. I guess maybe people are just getting tired of the griffin ball discourse.” The statue and the surrounding Tribe Plaza are currently roped off from the public with caution tape to preserve the integrity of the crime scene. According to College spokesperson Suzanne Clavet, the administration is deeply concerned with finding the culprit. “Reveley the Griffin is an important symbol of campus morale and we regret the growing, throbbing pain felt by our community from this incident,” Clavet said. “This theft has left the College’s sizable
JAMIE FONDLER / THE FAT HEAD
The genital larceny corresponded with a 69 percent increase in activity on Swampy Memes for Twampy Teens.
endowment significantly depleted. WMPD is hard at work to find the culprit of this act of vandalism — the ball’s in their court now.” William and Mary Chief of Police Deb Cheesebro said that while they don’t yet have any suspects, they have a lead on the weapon of brass destruction. “The Reddit thread we consulted revealed that the sacking of the Griffin testicles was likely executed with a Delta 10-inch Unisaw equipped with a 60 tooth tungsten carbide blade,” Cheesebro said. “However, no fingerprints were left at the scene and no eyewitnesses have stepped forward. If I may speak candidly, this case is a tough nut to crack.” Williamsburg Men’s Rights Activist group Bros Organizing For Anti-Feminism (B.O.F.A.) announced it is organizing a vigil this Thursday, March 28 in front of the statue of Thomas Jefferson to mourn the loss of deez two important members of
the Williamsburg community. “What kind of nut job would do something like this?” B.O.F.A. member Josh Sawcon said. “Our community, as lovers of both mythical creatures in fantasy fiction and meaty, well-rendered testicles, is shaken to our very core. If you have the Griffin balls, please, we implore that you just give them back.” Several students were spotted looking up the robes of the Reverend James Blair statue only to shake their head in disappointment and walk away dejected. Others expressed concern at the the disappearance of the anatomically confusing testicles right around midterms. “What the hell am I supposed to do now that I can’t rub the Griffin balls for good luck? I’m never going to pass this goddamn bio chem class,” freshman Chester Ligma said, in between violent sobs. “Screw this, I’m changing my major to government.”
UNNOTABLE ALUMNI
College bribes rich parents in shocking admissions scandal Fat Head investigation finds Gary Busey, John Stamos accept money to have kids apply TRIBE SQUARE ELEVATOR (IT’S STILL BROKEN PLEASE HELP)
JAMIE VARSITY HEADS / THE FAT HEAD
I wonder what Gary Busey is up to these days? Not anything relevant.
In the aftermath of the national college bribery scandal in which rich parents bribed universities to get their kids into elite colleges, the Fat Head conducted an investigation into whether similar events were occuring at William & Mary. The investigation revealed that not only were rich families not bribing W&M officials, but that W&M officials were actually bribing rich families to convince them to make their kids apply here. The Fat Head conducted interviews with several wealthy individuals, including several wellknown celebrities, who accepted
Inside Discourse
Inside Bandcamp
Heteronormative homecoming courting is feminist, actually
Theta Pi Dollar Sign member Regina George ’21 argues that sorority women choose to be confined to strict gender roles, year after year. page y = mx + b
bribes from College officials. The bribes were often delivered by the illustrious W. Taylor Reveley III himself. Perhaps the most high-profile celebrity involved was Gary Busey. “I was just minding my own business when I heard someone knock on my door,” said Busey. “I opened it and an old white dude with a southern drawl kept calling me ‘frisky’ and trying to give me a check for $10 million.” Busey took the check, justifying the act by asserting that he “liked money, okay???” True to his word, Busey convinced his daughter, Aquaphalange Busey, to apply to the College. In the months that followed, numerous other College officials
became implicated, with Katherine Rowe posing as Busey’s child and taking the SAT in her place. Aquaphalange Busey was admitted to the class of 2021 as promised,, but Busey ultimately opted not to send his daughter here, even while cashing the $5 million check. “Come on man, why would I ever send my kid to that dumpster-park of a school anyways? Aren’t all the buildings super old and weird?” asked Busey. Seeing as his child is currently enrolled in a 4-year bungee jumping program, the Fat Head has had to conclude that Busey made the correct choice. When one of our reporters accosted Taylor Reveley on the street, he defended his actions saying they were “for the bold.” The Office of
Mistaking it for new Sun Kil Moon record, WCWM airs static for two hours The FCC will not be fining the station for this violation of broadcast guidelines. “While I wouldn’t quite call it music, it doesn’t fulfill our guidelines for obscenity either,” an FCC spokesperson said. page e = mc^2
Undergraduate Admissions declared that the program had resulted in the enrollment of multiple C-list celebrities’ kids, and that it had definitely been a financially smart decision on the College’s part. In a written statement, the office’s spokesperson stated that William & Mary has already given bribes for the next academic year to John Stamos, Hugh Jackman’s brother, and the great-great-great-great grandson of Martin Van Buren.” Rowe suggested that instead of worrying about this issue, we should “just chill out and play some frisbee.” With little sign of this scheme ending anytime soon, we can only hope that John Stamos’s kid will consider coming here.
Inside Dean Gilbert
Student expelled for sexual assault, banned from campus We’re just kidding! That’s too much of a stretch even for our April Fool’s issue. page c^2 = a^2 + b^2