The Fat Head April 3, 2018

BEHIND CLOSED DOORS >> PAGE 11

How to create a fursona, from the Griffin himself

Vol. XXX, Iss. YY | Friday, April 1, 2015

The Fat Head The Once-Yearly Student Samizdat

PART IV: A CULTURE OF SILENCE

of The College of William and Mary

Flatheadnews.com | Obey us:

For the Bold campaign illuminates Tribe Square; It’s been 3 weeks Latest promotional effort sheds light on President Reveley’s rapidly unravelling threads of sanity MARA MYTH SUPREME OVERLORD

As part of the For the Bold campaign, William and Mary’s most ambitious fundraising initiative in 325 years, the College announced last month that it would light up the four empty commercial spaces in shining green and gold. They will be following in the footsteps of such iconic landmarks as the Empire State Building, Donald Trump’s White House bedroom window, and the Eiffel Tower at Las Vegas’ Paris Hotel and Casino, all of which were graced with Pantone palette C 89 M 19 Y 72 K 60 and C 9 M 29 Y 66 K 24, also known as W&M Green and W&M Gold, respectively.

As the university colours brightened the rooms, the last of which went dark after the Crust was evicted from the space in August, remnants of student merriment as well as examples of capitalism’s fruitless yet endless toil were brought to light.

Half empty bottles of Aristocrat reflected the gold & green glow onto a giant inflatable can of corona occupying an empty booth in the Crust.

Overturned and leaking on the floor of Pita Pit, condiment squeezy bottles of tzatziki and vinegar were scattered across the linoleum.

A chalkboard once covering the cheery walls of Mooyah lay in pieces on the floor.

“Here lies Gene R. Nichol, lover of prostitution and atheism,” is barely readable amongst the cracked and dispersed sheets of slated stone.

In a gloomy corner of what used to be the Subway, a nude man crouches in the half-light, dragging a small, cast-iron skillet back and forth through the thick layer of dust, cookie long gone. Green and gold flashes at intervals onto his emaciated body.

With no employees left

to shut down the lights, President Taylor Reveley III’s For the Bold “Light Up Tribe Square” campaign, which was supposed to be for twentyfour hours only, has now been light-polluting the section of Richmond Road between Wawa and the Williamsburg Baptist Church for three weeks.

Tribe Square residents complained to President Reveley, who responded in between belches stinking of scotch and small, tearless cries to please leave him alone.

His terrible life had made him feel deeply interesting, like a murder victim. War is hell. The beast, which had represented his feelings, was dead.

“I think I’ll do a pushup,” he announced to the sea.

The sea respected him for it.

You wouldn’t understand.

The campaign has allegedly raised one broken student ID, three Pita Pit wrappers from 2016, and fifty dollars, almost all donations from Tribe Square residents to “get it to stop.”

COURTESY PHOTO / RIP THE CRUST

See above.

SHAKE AND BAKE

STOP JEFFERSON 2K18

Sole SA voter regrets election vote

Prospective student injured by Jefferson Hall resident

Wishes he wrote in vegan pig owner with whom he is deeply, totally in love MARA MYTH STILL ME

Chaz Bromont, a freshman who calls Gooch in the Botetourt Complex home, was overheard Saturday evening at Kappa Alpha Kappa Sigma Rho Beta expressing disappointment over the choices he made in the 2018 Student Assembly election. As the sole student who participated in the elections this year, the Flat Hat investigative crew decided to look into the matter.

Bromont sat uncomfortably under the harsh light of the single bulb swaying from the ceiling of the Flat Hat’s darkroom-turnedinterviewing space. Sweat gathered in the valleys made by his collarbones and under his moppy brown bangs.

“I-I didn’t know what was going on,” he whispered. “They came in the middle of the night and brought me to the empty field by the ISC.” Bromont haltingly continued to explain that Student Assembly strongmen then forced him to fill out a paper ballot and place it inside of a wooden box. “It’s the 21st century anyway,” Bromont said indignantly.

“They could’ve emailed me a Google

Form.”

Bromont confessed that he had wanted to write in the vegan owner of the small pigs who occasionally graces campus. “There’s something about the way he holds the pigs,” Bromont said. “The tenderness, the great capacity for love… I can’t help but feel admiration, and a confidence in him to lead us into positive change.” Since meeting the vegan pig owner, who wishes to remain anonymous, Bromont said he has made several lifestyle changes. “I am now anti-consumerism anarchocommunist freegan.” When asked to explain what this meant, he declined to comment. Bromont also said he quit his fraternity on Sunday, saying that he couldn’t think of anything better in the world to be but a vegan, and he didn’t want any other identity — even a Greek affiliation — to get in the way.

“I love him,” Bromont said wistfully of the anonymous pig owner, his mind no doubt wandering to the 2004 Subaru Outback covered in stickers declaring “Animal Liberation” and “Love Made Me Go Vegan.” Can we blame him?

Mistaking tour for pack of squirrels, student fired volley of arrows MARA MYTH YEP, YOU GUESSED IT

Spring has spring at William and Mary and with it tour season has arrived.

The herds have begun wandering across the sunken gardens, clogging up Lodge 1 and creating a hazard for campus bikers. An unsuspecting tour group had a less than convincing college visit experience, however, when they were suddenly attacked from above during their tour.

Thursday afternoon, Jack Merridew ’18 a freshman in Jefferson Hall, fired a volley of arrows on a passing tour group, striking one student and scattering the others into hiding.

According to Merridew, he was peering out his third-floor dorm room that afternoon for his weekly squirrel hunting.

“There was so much nervous energy in the group that I was sure it was one of the local squirrel herds. But I wasn’t wearing glasses,” Merridew said.

Merridew discovered his mistake when he went down to collect his hunt.

“I was really pissed off,” Merridew said. “I had a great marinade going in a crockpot upstairs. I ended up having to go to Sadler for dinner which was disappointing.”

The student in question has sustained multiple injuries from the

arrowheads but was responsive and is now recovering in a nearby hospital.

When contacted by Fat Head reporters, his only comment was: “Damn, internal bleeding aside, this is going to make one hell of an application essay. Do you think they’ll offer me a scholarship?”

Merridew did apologize, claiming that he was not, in fact, aiming for the for the student, but rather his father, who had wandered off from the tour group in an attempt to seem like he knew more than the tour guide.

“Your best strategy is to aim for the ones that stray from the pack. They’re easier to pick off,” Merridew said, firmly grasping the speaking conch, which he seemed unwilling to relinquish.

Merridew assured the Fat Head that this mishap had not harmed his ranking in the Jefferson Hall social hierarchy.

“Ralph from second floor had designs on the top spot, but I don’t think he’s a real threat. Too diplomatic,” Merridew said.

Despite Merridew’s confidence, reports since Thursday indicate that the situation in Jefferson has deteriorated as infighting among various factions has thrown the dorm into chaos.

Monday evening, rhythmic chants could be heard from a second story kitchen before several freshmen boys

pushed a printer out of the window.

Last week they released three of the RAs in a diplomatic bid to get a Student Health Center to come treat the raging chlamydia outbreak.

“F*** no,” was the Student Health Center’s official comment.

Still trapped inside the building, the Head Resident attempted to send a signal fire from the roof, but the attempt was discovered by several residents and she was dragged back through a thirdfloor window.

The fire spread, uncontrolled, taking out several rooms in the east wing. The remainder of Residence Life Staff has not been seen since they barricaded themselves into the basement lounge late Friday evening.

Authorities suspect this rash of erratic behavior may be due to the nature of the original piping in the building.

“Yeah those pipes were put in around the 60s. They’re super made of lead,” Director of Historical Campus, Susan Kern said.

One of the released RAs seemed shaken by his experience in Jefferson and plans on taking a gap year after he graduates this spring to find himself.

“I’ve been doing some soul searching recently. You know, maybe there is a beast. But maybe it’s only us.”

FLAT HAT GOES DIGITAL

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Inside DIVERSITY

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Mark Warner chosen as speaker

Shitty

College selects white man as Commencement speaker in the anniversary of 50 years black residential students and 100 years of co-education. page 4

Facebook page formerly known as “Discourse” name changes 36 times

YDSA, College Libertarians disband in protest, brawl on Sunken Gardens instead. page 6

aaaAAAHHH

GUEST COLUMN

Not touching this with a ten foot pole

Opinions Editor 50 Shades of Brown Opinions Editor Khicken Tender giveusyourworsthottakestogethatemail@gmail.com

The Flat Hat | Tuesday March 27, 2018 | Page 5

“

COMMENTS @THEFATHEAD

To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand The Fat Head. The humour is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of theoretical physics most of the jokes will go over a typical reader’s head. There’s also its nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into its articles — its personal philosophy draws heavily from Narodnaya Volya literature, for instance. True fans understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of these jokes, to realise that they’re not just funny — they say something deep about LIFE. As a consequence people who dislike The Fat Head truly ARE idiots — of course

I have no opinion about Thomas Jefferson

Please leave me alone I DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS

national government by nullifying the Alien and Sedition Acts.

As President, Jefferson pursued the nation’s shipping and trade interests against Barbary pirates and aggressive British trade policies. He also organized the Louisiana Purchase, almost doubling the country’s territory. As a result of peace negotiations with France, his administration reduced military forces. He was reelected in 1804. Jefferson’s second term was beset with difficulties at home, including the trial of former Vice President Aaron Burr. American foreign trade was diminished when Jefferson implemented the Embargo Act of 1807, responding to British threats to U.S. shipping. In 1803, Jefferson began a controversial process of Indian tribe removal to the newly organized Louisiana Territory, and he signed the Act Prohibiting Importation of Slaves in 1807.

Jefferson mastered many disciplines, which ranged from surveying and mathematics to horticulture and mechanics. He was a proven architect in the classical tradition. Jefferson’s keen interest in religion and philosophy earned him the presidency of the American Philosophical Society. He shunned organized religion but was influenced by both Christianity and deism. He was well versed in linguistics and spoke several languages. He founded the University of Virginia after retiring from public office. He was a prolific letter writer and corresponded with many prominent and important people throughout his adult life. His only full-length book is Notes on the State of Virginia (1785), considered the most important American book published before 1800.

Although regarded as a leading spokesman for democracy and republicanism in the era of the Enlightenment, Jefferson’s historical legacy is mixed. He owned and profited from several plantations which were worked by slaves throughout all of his adult life. There is evidence that after his wife Martha died in 1782, Jefferson fathered children with Martha’s half-sister, and his sister-in-law, Sally Hemings, who was his slave. Some modern scholarship has been critical of Jefferson’s private life, pointing out the contradiction between his ownership of slaves and his famous

“

Thomas Jefferson (April 13 [O.S. April 2] 1743 – July 4, 1826) was an American Founding Father who was the principal author of the Declaration of Independence and later served as the third President of the United States from 1801 to 1809. Previously, he was elected the second Vice President of the United States, serving under John Adams from 1797 to 1801. A proponent of democracy, republicanism, and individual rights motivating American colonists to break from Great Britain and form a new nation, he produced formative documents and decisions at both the state and national level. He was a land owner and farmer.

Jefferson was primarily of English ancestry, born and educated in colonial Virginia. He graduated from the College of William & Mary and briefly practiced law, at times defending slaves seeking their freedom. During the American Revolution, he represented Virginia in the Continental Congress that adopted the Declaration, drafted the law for religious freedom as a Virginia legislator, and he served as a wartime governor (1779–1781). He became the United States Minister to France in May 1785, and subsequently the nation’s first Secretary of State in 1790–1793 under President George Washington.

Jefferson and James Madison organized the Democratic-Republican Party to oppose the Federalist Party during the formation of the First Party System. With Madison, he anonymously wrote the controversial Kentucky and Virginia Resolutions in 1798–1799, which sought to embolden states’ rights in opposition to the

Look, what do you want me to say? What would make you happy? I’ll do literally anything.

they wouldn’t appreciate, for instance, the humour in its existential motto “Stabilitas et Fides,” which itself is a cryptic reference to Turgenev’s Russian epic Fathers and Sons.

I’m smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as the staff’s genius wit unfolds itself on the page. What fools ... how I pity them. And yes, by the way, I DO have a Fat Head tattoo. And no, you cannot see it. It’s for the ladies’ eyes only — and even then they have to demonstrate that they’re within 5 IQ points of my own (preferably lower) beforehand. Nothin personal kid.

— Fat Head superfan and Botetourt Squat staff member ‘

LETTER TO THE EDITOR Dear Editor, The newsletters from the Cohen Career Center have recently become personally upsetting. As a meme queen, the gifs and images included in the e-mails are mad stale. I am trying to find a high quality consulting job in the D.C. metro area -- I don’t need this second-rate shitposting cramming my inbox.

As a form of protest, I’m going to emulate the subpar memes in the rest of this letter.

Why are these e-mails coming in so often??

The Fat Head

#FlatHatFilth | The actual founding date is Oct. 2, 1911. Dear God. We’ve been celebrating the wrong birthday for years. This is why is pays to look in the archives once in a while, guys.

I just want a job with Deloitte!!

THE RED KEEP, KING’S LANDING

andnowmywatchbegins@fathead.com

Editor flathat.editor@gmail.com Managing flathat.managing@gmail.com Executive flathat.executive@gmail.com News fhnews@gmail.com Sports flathatsports@gmail.com

Copy flathatcopy@gmail.com Opinions fhopinions@gmail.com Variety flathat.variety@gmail.com Photos flathatphotos@gmail.com Online flathatonline@gmail.com

Mara Myth Editor-in-Chief Kitchen Utensils Managing Editor Alyssa Gerber Baby Executive Editor Shawn Won’t Digital Media Editor Are you in the b-school? Business Manager M&M Google Sheets Operations Coordinator Dig me a Grave News Editor Monroe Scholar News Editor Baier Grylls Variety Editor Carmen Honker Variety Editor Aluminum Doyle Sports Editor Stumpy Sports Editor 50 Shades of Brown Opinions Editor Khicken Tender Opinions Editor

Heckle Online Editor Wiener Dog Online Editor Kylie Minogue Chief Staff Writer Bavis & Butthead Copy Chief Sandlot 2: return of the big dog Copy Chief Make a Will Copy Chief Crazy Hair Photos Editor Song of Solomon Photos Editor

I’m deleting this e-mail now!!

the spice of life

Variety Editors | The Spice Merchants sheepandfeelings@gmail.com // @thefathead

The Fat Head | Friday, April 1, 2016 | Page 9

BEHIND BRICK WALLS

Cannabis Merchants Hold Blaze Profit Share

Make-your-own pizzas sold at special $4.20 price with flier BASIL OREGANO YOU ONLY COPY TWICE

More than small ziploc bags of oregano were being passed around Blaze Pizza this week. After experiencing a downturn in sales following several high-profile WMPD busts of freshman dorms, local cannabis merchants have reached out to the community for help in sustaining their small businesses.

Police presence increased on campus following a dramatic rise in jaywalking incidents.

The police came for wanton pedestrians and instead found marijuana addicts sustained through an inter-freshman-dorm drug ring.

One of the students at Blaze, definitely not a cop wearing a Patagonia quarter-zip, told the Fat Head, “Students were definitely using the crosswalks today so I figured that I’d monitor the profit share, you know, to support my fellow undergraduate peers.”

Definitely a student declined to disclose his name, preferring to remain anonymous.

Anonymous stopped halfway through our interview in order to readjust the duct tape on his chest, referring to the discomfort caused by his heart monitor.

“Sorry, I just wear it for … you know, uh, preventative purposes,” he said. “Better safe than sorry.”

Tired from recent midterms, students were red-eyed and deliriously laughing.

“Yeah, man, feels like this line isn’t even moving,” one white student wearing a Grateful Dead shirt said.

The student, in fact, was actually standing in front of a self-serve kiosk at the next-door Panera Bread.

Student organizers have spent weeks rallying support for the profit share, each drug dealer inviting all of their Facebook friends, including Krazy Kate from their Freshman halls whom they haven’t seen in three years.

COURTESY PHOTO / WMPD Undercover Unit “Yeah, I don’t really like Connor but he sells decent weed and I’ve got the munchies,” Krazy Kate ’18 said. “And all of the From left to right: One of the co-owners of Blaze, another co-owner of Blaze, a cop who asked to be photoshopped out of the picture because he hasn’t changed into his hoodie “They kept trying to get us to join in on their games of Settlers of other food that I’ve got in my room is edibles, so I was really out of supporting the profit share, as students couldn’t stop changing Catan, but the line moved before they could get set up,” Williamsburg their orders and descending into giggling fits. options.” resident Kristen Trellis said. “And one of them offered me a dime?

Customers were equally confused at Blaze’s lack of options.

Zeta Theta Psi members all responded “going” on the event’s “Yeah, uh, I can’t believe they didn’t have Pop Tarts and But I was planning on paying with a credit card, so I refused.”

Facebook page, but none were actually in attendance due to the A representative from Taco Bell, in a statement to the Fat Head, lack of “funnel cakes,” which is almost certainly a euphemism but marscapone cheese for my build-your-own pizza,” Michael Smith said that business dropped at the Williamsburg location by 80 no one would confirm because they thought the Fat Head was a ’19 said.

With the line stretching around the restaurant and going into the percent on the day of the profit share. narc.

Their loss didn’t mean the weed purveyors’ gain, however.

“No, it’s really just funnel cake,” said a Zeta Theta Psi brother. parking lot, locals who frequent Blaze expressed confusion with the increase in business, seeing as it wasn’t March 14, and the behavior Because the local entrepreneurs forgot to set up the event formally (But we’ve all seen the William and Mary frat vine compilation.) with Blaze, they received no profits from the day’s sales.

Employees at the pizza joint struggled to fulfill orders for those of their neighbors in the queue.

A warm farewell to Walter Taylor Reveley, Third of His Name KATHERINE ROUX PRESSER OF THE FLESH (CHASTELY)

President Reveley was 75-years-old when he walked away from his service to the College of William & Mary forever. The College’s 27th president was a homegrown Virginian, born and bred in the sunny bosom of America. Perhaps Walter Taylor Reveley III’s ineffable quality can be attributed to his idyllic Southern upbringing.

He had a snowy white head of hair before he left us but it wasn’t always so — his hair was an indescribable mix of yellowish brownish reddish color when he was younger. He often wore glasses and a tie around campus but presumably took them off in the comfort of his own home.

He was tall but could be even taller on occasion, with the help of certain loafers. His voice was a low, slow drawl. It washed over crowds of dazed students like creeping, sticky molasses, keeping them frozen to their seats in

salacious enchantment.

As I said, he was from Virginia. To understand what kind of president he was, you should think about what that means. Virginia is the preserved essence of America — the first English colonial possession in North America and the “Mother of Presidents” that has produced 8 U.S. Presidents and 3 generations of Reveley college presidents.

In other words, it’s the birthplace of American power and influence, so it makes sense that President Reveley’s origins can be traced there.

Maybe something in the old Virginian soil and clear, cotton-infused air made its way into the Reveley bloodline and propelled W. Taylor Reveley II, W. Taylor Reveley III, and W. Taylor Reveley IV into the position of college president.

Even with this family business of Virginia college presidency, W. Taylor Reveley III stood out from his progenitor and descendant by serving as the president for the highest ranking college

COURTESY PHOTO / Reveley’s Wife

Reveley contemplates

out of the three. W. Taylor Reveley II served as president of Hampden-Sydney College from 1963 to 1977 and W. Taylor Reveley IV began serving as president of Longwood University in 2013.

The College of William & Mary is ranked number two in U.S. News and World Report’s ranking of the Best Colleges in Virginia while Hampden-Sydney College just barely reaches the top ten and Longwood University falls at a dismal 22.

Now that W. Taylor Reveley III has closed the door of the College’s President’s House for the very last time, to journey where no student can follow, the weight of the Reveley legacy rests on W. Taylor Reveley IV’s shoulders alone.

Will W. Taylor Reveley IV bring dishonor upon the Reveley family name and signal the beginning of the Reveley family’s gradual, tragic descent into obscurity and degeneracy?

Perhaps. Only time will tell.

BDSM, Cheese Clubs hold mixer on Millington Field, descends into orgy THE BIG CHEESE FONDOWN TO FONDUE

The University of the College of William and Mary University’s own Cheese Club and BDSM Club held a mixer Saturday night that devolved into a scene of bacchanalia that Dionysus himself would be proud of.

Does this situation sound un-brie-lievable?

Well, you cheddar believe it. Witnesses passing

by Millington Field between 10 p.m. and 4 a.m.

Saturday and the early morning hours of Sunday would have seen members of both clubs engaged in a variety of erotic practices and roleplaying involving bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadomasochism, and other related interpersonal dynamics.

“I was walking to a party on Cary and was passing by the sundial when I saw the movement of a whip,” John Horowitz ‘20 said. “I turned my head and then I saw feta being thrown in the air and a couple of glow-in-the-dark dildos.”

According to a Cheese Club member who attended a mixer pregame, both Cheese Club and BDSM club members definitely paired their roquefort cheese with a nice chilled pinot grigio wine for a goudha time.

By the time that the clubs arrived at Millington Field, the ball gags and thigh spreaders were out,

and clothing was already scattering on the dead blades of grass.

For those who have long suspected the presence of a BDSM club on campus, the incident not only scarred them for life but also confirmed long-held suspicions.

“Does anyone know how to join? I need to talk about how toxic the 50 Shades franchise is with someone who understands,” a junior who wished to remain anonymous said.

A curious man who approached this Fat Head journalist wearing an “I heart the female orgasm” shirt pegged the reporter with probing questions, evidently without knowledge of the incident, but full of interest. The orgy had clearly inspired the expected levels of creepiness from short frat stars who resemble rodents, who will be resuming their normal activity of yelling about free speech and Edward Snowden any day now.

William and Mary Police Department Chief Deb Cheesebro declined to comment on the incident, leaving others to wonder why WMPD was too busy raiding freshman dorms for cannabis and ticketing jaywalkers.

President Taylor Reveley III also declined to comment.

Some College administration officials, however, did provide the Fat Head with a

statement about the orgy.

“I just hope that everyone involved had a fulfilling experience that left them feeling a deep

connection with others and finding themselves on another plane,” Health and Wellness Vice President Shelly Mace said.

COURTESY PHOTO / PERVERT WHO UPLOADED VIDEO TO PORNHUB.COM

This is what happens when you combine the BDSM and Cheese Clubs. This is also not Photoshop.

sporks

Sporty McSportFace J-wad LuckyCharms Big Baller Brand Campus Rep Emil Charmander

The Fat Head

| Friday, April 1, 2018 | Page 10

PAPAL BULL

COURTESY PHOTO / GOD HIMSELF

Despite the College of William and Mary’s public nature, it is possible the state will make an exception to allow for a team chaplain in the hopes it will provide some semblance of hope for the Tribe to make it to the NCAA tournament.

Time for Tribe basketball to come to Jesus?

There might be hope for the hopeless, but it may be time to enlist a nun JoJ LOOOOOOOOkenbruh Needs an Extra Pint Inspired by University of Loyola Chicago’s improbable run to the Final Four this March, itself inspired by the Ramblers’ 98-year old team chaplain, Sister Jean, the William and Mary men’s basketball team has reached out to the Vatican for divine support of its own.

The Tribe have sent an appeal directly to Pope Francis himself to dispatch an elderly nun to the College, in the hope an aged sister can embolden the squad to finally reach an NCAA Tournament already.

“Look, we’re desperate, ok?!” head coach Anthony Shaved Belly Button screeched amidst a hail of questions from a bloodthirsty throng of reporters Monday. “Clearly, doing things the “right way” isn’t enough to get this cursed

program over the hump. Hell, even Marcus Thornton and his smexy dreadlocks couldn’t take this team anywhere. But a nun…”

Belly Button paused, his mouth curling into a crazed, devilish grin.

“A nun just might work.”

The Tribe posted a 19-12 record this season, miraculously playing well enough to win something at least somewhat significant.

But not so surprisingly, the College shat the bed in the most important game of the season, falling in a 1,000,000-150 smack down against Dawn of the Planet of the College of Cougar Town in the conference playoffs.

Senior seeker David Cone may have caught the snitch, but otherwise the Green and Gold resembled a hairless squirrel carcass lying frozen in a resident hall refrigerator.

“I love these players like my collection of mint

condition Guy Fieri calendars, but god dammit, we suck worse than Banner on registration day!”

Shaved Belly Button bellowed as assistants vainly attempted to usher him out of the press conference. “Pope Francis, Jesus, Buddha, anyone, send us supernatural aid!”

The Vatican issued a statement hours after the announcement of the Tribe’s despondent plea, offering to come to the College’s aid like Rohan to Gondor against the forces of Mordor in the fantastic action-adventure/fantasy film The Return of the King directed by the beautifully bearded Peter Jackson.

“Basketball is the most perfect expression of God’s love for the human race that has ever existed in the history of this great, green planet,” Pope Francis said in the statement. “Jesus himself would have played basketball if the concept of putting an orange ball in a peach

basket had been invented during his time on Earth. For the Alma Mater of the United States of the Americas, we will provide our most good, our most pure nun to lead this Tribe to the promised land of milk, honey, and a national audience.”

The College’s Catholic savior has yet to descend from the heavens like Mary Poppins (side note: DID Y’ALL SEE THAT MARY POPPINS TRAILER???), but expectations are as high as Snoop Doggy Dogg.

“Get this holy ass corpse over here and let’s go dancing!” Shaved Belly Button shrieked.

“Bless up, Papa Frank!”

Will a decrepit abbess delivered from the bowels of Italy actually be the missing link in the College’s quest to participate in the Madness of the month of March? Who’s to say? All I know is, my blood sacrifices haven’t made a difference.

FOOTBALLE

Big-ass changes coming to Laycock, Tribe football

College’s football team plans for record year, proposed changes much bigger than Zable expansion EMAIL CHAINMAIL SIXTH-STRING QUARTERBACK After a disappointing season in 2017, fans of William and Mary football are hopeful for the 2018 season in light of a recent announcement from Tribe Athletics.

The College’s football program expects this season to be the best one yet, and almost assuredly will improve upon its 2-9, 0-8 CAA record from the 2017 season.

Last season, the Tribe struggled to hold its own against other teams in the conference.

Nevertheless, major changes being made behind the scenes are leaving Tribe fans feeling hopeful for the future.

“You can never give up hope,” Ed Jones ’69 said. “Rebellions are built on hope.”

Tribe fans are no stranger to unreasonable hope despite their sports teams’ actual prospects, but it seems that this year may be the year the College’s football team will actually turn it around and win more than a couple of games.

A representative of Tribe Athletics said the changes being announced will have the biggest effect on the football program of any major change made in the last decade.

In the past, the College has hired and fired assistant coaches, offensive coordinators and more in order to try to change the momentum for the team, yet the Tribe still has yet to have a standout season in recent memory.

While the massive expansion to Zable Stadium motivated the team to put in more effort during practice and really show up on game day, the colossal expenditure was still not enough to produce a dynasty-level team.

In an act of desperation, in the 2017 season the College made the decision to play five different quarterbacks, including a freshman about halfway through the season who would have otherwise had the ability to redshirt and play for the Tribe for a larger part of his college career.

Despite this reckless choice, the College still lacked the confidence

and ability of a strong football program. Even so, the team and the coaching staff can only be admired for their determination to do something so controversial, yet so brave.

Nevertheless, the football program will be in better hands in the 2018 season due to the boldest, most controversial decision made in the

program to date.

Yesterday, Tribe Athletics announced that head coach Jimmye Laycock ’70 will be dropping the “e” from his first name.

In fall 2018, the football team’s head coach will be taking the field as Jimmy Laycock.

COURTESY PHOTO / MOMMA LAYCOCK

Laycock, several decades ago, pictured right after cracking open a cold one with the boys. Unable to return to his youth, Laycock has decided to begin anew.