SURFBOARDT >> huge revelation, please read on
IF I WERE A BOY >> I might consider reading sporttsssssss
Ewell pianos host rager
Thornton attacked by sea of pugs
Did anyone think to blame the PBR cans in the pianos on those Steinways themselves???
Vol. 21, Iss. 3 | S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT! November 20, 1992
Their snorting ways finally send our man Marcus to his knees.
The Fat Head The Annual Parody Newspaper
of The College of William for Mary
thefattesthead.net.gov | Call me, beep me if you wanna reach me:
LUKE 4:20
GENESIS 0:69
Queen Tay fiercely slams
General Assembly, declares College a “single lady”
BY KE$HA // DOLLA DOLLA BILL Y’ALL REPORTER
BRIAN KAO / FOR FINDING THE PHOTO SINCE THIS IS DEFINITELY REAL AND TOTALLY NOT PHOTOSHOPPED
Mr. Jones, Queen Tay and BOV Rector Oscar Meyer strut to relieve their financial woes.
Pissed that he wasn’t receiving any money from the commonwealth, our boy Queen Tay went with his homies to the studio Saturday to express his feelings. “At first we started out real cool. Funding the school like it ain’t never been. But now, you’re getting comfortable. Ain’t doing those things you did no more. You’re slowly making me pay for things,” Queen Tay sang while giving Ginny Abler a perm in a space-age hair salon. “You triflin’, good for nothing type of brother. Silly me, why haven’t I found another?” BOV Rector Oscar Meyer added. Clad in a skimpy leopard-print dress, VP of Finance Mr. Jones was allowed no solo parts in the performance, but his dedication and supplementary dance moves really emphasized the economical point the group hoped to get across. In a last attempt to reconcile with the state, Queen Tay asked, “Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? Do you pay my automo’ bills? If you did then maybe we could chill. I don’t think you do. So, you and me are through.” The College is set to go private when their album hits the Billboard Hot 100. Thanks Virginia, you triflin’ brother.
Millions foiled by consulting lie
But dalapi@wm.edu was just playing y’all BY UNEMPLOYED FLAT HAT WRITERS FLAT HAT BEFORE JOB SEARCH
Career Center head honcho recently revealed that she has been duping hundreds of College graduates, as the world of “consulting” is a lie she made up to appease business majors in a rough economy. “Back after the Reagan era, the economy wasn’t doing so hot and kids weren’t landing traditional jobs. So yes, I made it all up,” she said. “It’s a job so vague that you don’t need a specific major. Honestly, who would actually want to work for a place like that?” In exchange for the recent grad’s services, the company pays them inordinate starting salaries and makes them believe they are making a difference in the world. “I signed for a consulting job because I didn’t know what else I’d do after graduation,” Souless Marketer ‘14 said. “I knew my true passion, being a musician, wouldn’t pay the bills, so why not work for the man?” The Career Center is currently underwritten by six private firms that all offer gigs to recent grads. “I never understood why dalapi@wm.edu always sent me so many e-mails about going into the business world, when that’s clearly not what my major’s about,” Antibureaucracy Poet ’14 said. “But it all makes sense now.” “It’s really a win/win situation,” head honcho said, cackling with glee. “These jobs suck away every last drop of passion our alums receive from their liberal arts education.”
DEUTERONOMY 6:66
MARK 23:23
Town Crier breaks news during OTP fire alarm
Administrators reveal that they relieve stress through common hazing rituals; “It helps with the tension,” they say
BIKE THIEF ARRESTED Beer bong or bust, right? BY JASON DERUUULLLLOOO FAT HEAD HAZING EXPERT
Ding dong the witch is dead. Which old witch? The wicked witch! BY FLAT HAT HOLMES FAT HEAD SNIFFER-OUTER
In a stunning turn of events, SA Prez Run Kootiez ’14 was arrested early last night and driven off in the Parking Services Batmobile. For months, Kootiez has been at the heart of the campus’ bike theft operation. Set up at the SA house, Kootiez orchestrated the theft of bikes from innocent students who were just too busy to actually lock up their bike (sorry, parents). 11 bikes from Ludwell, 200 million from the Ho House... Kootiez was on a roll. With his flashy smile and politcal candor, no one thought to question why Kootiez was seen on campus riding a bike with a basket and a little black dog. That is, until Dean Gilly had a little too much time on his hands and quickly set up a sting operation. “I’m gonna getcha good,” Gilly said.
Where you at? I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly because my body’s so bootylicious babyyy
Vice President Muhammad Ali ’14 said she repeatedly warned Kootiez to fix his habits, but the dark eyebrows spoke to her. “Ali,” the eyebrows said hypnotically. “You are getting sleepy. You are getting very sleepy. Now go the fuck away and stop meddling with Kootiez’ plan.” In his appearance before the Honor Council, Kootiez admitted to a deep-seeded passion for all things on two wheels. Three wheels, he said, was always one step too far. “I don’t believe in Peter Pan, Frankenstein or Superman. All I wanna do is bicycle bicycle bicycle,” Kootiez whispered. In a statement from his jail cell in Morton, Koontz expressed his regret. “I would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids and your dumb dog!” Kootiez declared.
Today’s 4cast 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Ginny admits she didn’t have much moral fortitude as a freshman in College. But then, one night, she was forced to sleep in a graveyard while caring for a baby chicken. She claims that was the moment that helped her grow into the power woman that she is today. The administration announced that the new orientation program will include tradition-building activities which have caused much controversy and unrest. Ginny claimed that activities such as costumed scavenger hunts, beer-pong round robins and public humiliation stunts promote resilience, build lifelong bonds and help foster a stronger community. Mr. Revs said he’s all the better since the recent incident when he was asked to shovel M&Ms out of the snow with a plastic spoon. “Sure, I went through a pack of 50 spoons because the darn things kept breaking, but, in the end, I’m much more of the man I wanted to be,” he noted. Not everyone agrees. “To me, this smells like hazing,” IFC big boy Greenie said. “In our Greek community, we work very hard to ensure that our new members feel welcome without feeling demeaned or humiliated. There are other ways to foster
Inside OPINIONS
tradition besides hazing.” The changes will be incorporated in fall 2014, during the freshman orientation program. “Let’s be honest, hazing builds true grit,” Revs said. “These nambypamby freshmen need to leave their meekness behind and assimilate to the College’s strength with the utmost swiftness. We will never be a university of great international stature if our underclassmen act like complete weak-links.” Associate Dean of Students/ OA guy PSYCHE echoed Ginny’s
Inside SPURTS
I wanna complain
the rain never bothered me anyway
Her arm positioning was questionable, but her follow-through was great.
Like why didn’t I get goodies in the ceilings in the Units? Why didn’t Sadler have Cocoa Puffs? Why are the burritos from Zoca questionable? Why doesn’t the SA listen to me? Why do I care if the SA listens to me? Why don’t I have better doortags, RA? Why do I even have doortags??
sentiments, stating that by incorporating “tradition-building” activities into the curriculum, students will understand the true meaning of the College’s historic legacy. “Even though these activities may seemingly resemble destructive hazing activities, they are very different,” PSYCHE said. “Traditionbuilding activities create moral fortitude that lasts a lifetime. I can’t wait to see how this change in the orientation program positively affects our student body.”
AristoKatz dominate ball field
Katzman builds baseball field on Jamestown Road hoping that people would come because this field, this game, it’s a part of our past. Reminds us of all that once was good. But he built and they never came — thanks James Earl Jones.