SEX COLUMNS>> PAGE WE KNOW YOU READ IT FOR THE LOLZ
FOTOS >> PAGE p 9.75
Just read the newspaper
Cut outs are hard, people
Honestly, who do you think I am? Just look for yourself at what’s inside, lazy.
Seriously, these things take forever and always look bad. Does anyone even like them?
The Fat Head
To Infinity and Beyond | Tuesday, April 2, 2013
SENIORZZZZZ
The Once-Yearly Sloth Newspaper
Badjokesallday.com | Don’t make it weird:
of The College of William for Mary
Random white guy
FACTS OF LYFE
Study finds fb named commencement groups need to chillax, for real speaker BY CREEPY CREEPERTON FAT HEAD FACEBOOK CREEPER
BY KITKAT BAR // THE ONE THAT KNOWS STUFF
This is actually a picture of a guy named Matt. Sorry Matt.
When planned commencement speaker Robert Mueller had to cancel due to unplanned secret things, the College of William and Mary went back to the drawing board, and their usual methods of selecting a commencement speaker — picking a vaguely prominent random white guy out of a hat. “We have found that this method works really well,” Director of Communications Brian Whitson said via carrier pigeon. The selection of a random white guy continues a long standing College of William and Mary tradition of having a white guy deliver the commencement address, making him the ninth white guy to speak since the beginning of the twenty-first century. “I’m so honored to fill this role,” Random white guy said via Pony Express. “To go where so many illustrious random white guys have gone before me — Brent Scowcroft, Joseph Plumeri, even Thomas Downing back in [19]71 — what a group.” Students expressed admiration for the consistency of the College’s decision. “At first I didn’t know who he was,” Forrest Greenes ’14 said. “But once I found out I was so impressed. The College keeps finding white guys to speak. How do they keep doing that without running across any women or people of color?” Whitson explained the process, which involves him selecting random articles on Wikipedia and writing the names of Virginia or Washington, D.C.-based politicians and public figures on pieces of paper. He then places the names in a specially designated hat and selects a slip. “I put anyone who comes up in the hat, including women and minorities” Whitson said via smoke signal. “There are just so many white guys in politics and the media that they make up the majority of the names. I guess we’re just lucky.” Whitson says the College plans to continue using this method until they’ve gone through all of the possible random WHAT’S A CAMERA? / THE FAT HEAD white guys. Then maybe they’ll try other people?
A GROUP OF SLOTHS IS CALLED A BED
A GROUP OF VULTURES IS CALLED A COMMITTEE
Senate realizes school isn’t Dad Won’t just give them money for promising to clean rooms BY THREE TOED FAT HEAD BED OF SLOTHS REPORTER
In a not completely unexpected turn of events, the Student Assembly this week admitted they thought the school was essentially a stand-in for their parents, explaining their overspending in the fall semester. “I was relatively certain it was just like at home,” SA senator Cullen Dunley ’14 said. “I thought if we promised to clean up, take out the trash, drive freshmen to the airport and stuff, the school would give us some more spending money.” Members of the SA admitted that when they were informed earlier in the semester that their plans to pitch in a little more with chores around campus in order to get more money from the school were shot down by administrators, they didn’t know what to do. “It was just so unexpected,” SA senator BJ Supon ’13 said. “How could they just cut us off with no warning? They say they care about us but they never show it, you know?” This sudden discovery lead to some of the more controversial decisions made in the spring semester. “We figured we didn’t need to give more funding to STI testing because no one at this school has sex,” SA senator Jammy Zhing ’14 said. “That seemed like the best decision at the time, but honestly anything would have. We were all just so surprised that the money wasn’t endless.” As the current senate prepares to hand over the reigns to the new members, senators still seem confused. “We’ll tell them what’s what,” Supon said. “Though I think the administration loves them more, they never get in trouble.”
Index Police Beat Unimportant Super unimportant So many faces Big design All the feels Feelz about Jimmye
Today’s Weather 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Reveley buys Ho House for himself In third-quarter life crisis, Reveley decides he wants a bigger house for parties BY SHOOK HIS HAND ONCE WON’T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT
When the College of William and Mary announced earlier this month that the it had decided to purchase the Williamsburg Hospitality House, students, alumni and community members responded with mixed reactions. However, the announcement yesterday that the College has purchased the hotel for the express purpose of turning it into President Taylor Reveley’s personal party mansion has already been hailed as one of the most universally popular decisions made by the College. “I have literally never heard of a better idea,” Morgan Manson ’13 said. Many students felt that Reveley’s personal characteristics made him deserving of such a large purchase for his personal use. “That dude is such a baller,” Frederick Banks ’15 said. “He’s my hero and he deserves everything good in the world.” According to Reveley, the decision to make the $21 million purchase came after hours of mildly serious consideration. “I just really wanted somewhere to chill,” Reveley said. “There’s nowhere good around here to just hang out. I did some google searches for estates and stuff, but everything else was so far away. There’s no way I want to hang out in Charles City County or New Kent or something and drive to Williamsburg every day.” Yesterday’s announcement came as a surprise to many who expected the Hospitality House to become student housing and parking for the upcoming year. While the College’s intention has always been to set the building aside for Reveley’s
personal use, administrators had decided to tell students they were focused on the needs of the students instead. “We thought if we told everyone it was student housing, they’d be happy,” Director of Public Relations Brian Whitson said in an email. “After we got so much flack doing away with many jobs, depriving the city of tax revenue, and, most significantly, making parents find somewhere a little further away to stay, we though we’d tell the truth. Because everyone thinks President Reveley deserves nice things.” The few students who questioned the decision to spend such a significant amount of money on a personal party mansion for Reveley faced swift and harsh criticism.
“Someone actually threatened to punch me for suggesting it wasn’t a great idea,” one anonymous student said. “They said I was a traitor to the College and obviously had never even heard President Reveley speak. I have. I mean, he seems like a cool guy, I just don’t know if we should be spending $21 million so he has somewhere to hang out.” For the bulk of students, other questions weighed heavier on their minds. “Is he going to have students hang out?” Banks said. “I just really want to chill with Reveley. Watching Downton Abbey, reading Proust, getting wasted, whatever, I just want to be around him so I can absorb some of his awesome.” Reveley declined to comment on just who would be invited.
REVEY SQUAD / DA FUCK IS THIS?
President Reveley requests students refer to the Hospitality House as the Party Palace from henceforth.
Inside OPINIONS
Inside SPORTz
Someone’s opinions on something that don’t matter
As always, TERRIFYING
While many students seem to take joy in constantly berating others via asinine social media groups, a study released Friday found that facebook groups need to check themselves before they wreck themselves. The Botetourt Center for Kids Who Don’t Read Good conducted a four month study of the, quite frankly, absurd number of groups created by students at the College of William and Mary over the past year. Painstakingly reading every post and its associated comments, the authors of the study found that the amount of concern given for the ridiculous things being said in the groups is 3,198.54 percent too high for the health of the community. “I’m really not sure how things got this far out of hand,” Director of the Botetourt Center for Kids Who Don’t Read Good Stephen Gobs ’11 said in a press release. “It just seems to have happened really quickly and I’m not sure anyone has any idea how to stop it.” Over the course of the four-month study, the amount of time and energy put into facebook groups by students at the College jumped dramatically. Some students felt as if everything had changed overnight. “I feel like everything has changed overnight,” Markea Zukberg ’15 said. “One day it was just Overheard [at William and Mary], which is fun, and then suddenly there are all these other, creepy groups.” The creepy groups, most notably William and Mary Confessions, have seen numerous posts that have called into question many individuals’ fundamental understandings of the College. “How do people have time to do this?” Bill Getts ’13 said. “Don’t people have class and extracurriculars and stuff? I thought I knew this school but I really don’t, apparently.” Those who run the groups do not see the reason for the hostility and confusion surrounding them. “You mad, bro?” An anonymous moderator for William and Mary Confessions said in a facebook message. “You seem mad. Why you so mad?”
Honestly, even if this was extremely well-researched, argued, and written, it still wouldn’t matter. This is a student newspaper at a really small school. Leave it be. page V
College probably loses
I was sort of busy so I forgot to read the story, but I’m willing to bet the College lost. We’re normally bad at everything, but this year has been shockingly bad. page the last