First word welcome to our mag No, it’s not Gordon Ramsay’s newest cook book that’s now on Romania’s publicity market... it is however one of our all time favourites, something that would earn ya six of the best if your old man was home, or mum’s soap being aggressively spread on ya tongue for using it... that’s right... it’s the F word.
you know, makes the morning “OK, I’ll call you”, i.e. “I’ll never see you again”, just that bit easier. Fun... how much of that could one man find... wow! It happens to most of the lads who come here, they get reeled right in to the “Bucharest holiday camp” life style... hook line and sinker. It happened to me and every day I thank F for that! So here we are... the F word... A Foreign magazine that the market has been begging for, for ages. Inside the mag you’ll see loads of adverts, but these are adverts of where good piss is drunk, good food is served, clean hotels worth staying in, quality cars worth renting, places for the good lady to pamper herself and great activities to partake in over the weekend.
You’ll find in here some great content to keep you sane while crowning the For most of us, there is only one meaning here means you are always wining & din- throne, where to catch ya favourite team to the F word... so we thought we’d sit ning. There would be no expense spared on the big screen, what’s up and coming down and have a crack at branding it. For as it cost bugger all in the first place, here in Bucharest, must see’s, do’s & the 10 years I’ve been living here, I did a but also because you are treated with a don’ts and even places you can take out lot of “F wording about”, not during the level of respect greater than the one they ya nippers in the weekend. A little home working week of course... of course not, extend to each other. F-ing Brilliant! away from home. no... but when Friday night came about and being a single man at the time, the For most of us, after running the Don’t forget to login into our site www. one word that did keep cropping up was Romanian gauntlet for 5 straight days, thefword.ro. We have loads of useful stuff the F word... This fantastic, yet extremely Fridays... Bucharest’s best night out no there, as well as some comical kicks & short acronym has followed, I think, matter where ya went... meet a nice flicks. We’ve uploaded a “How to” section every foreigner everywhere he or she young lady, use the same creative pick as, God knows, trying to cut through all has ever been. Bucharest has lived up to up line “Do you speak English”, get the the red tape here (meaning you better its original meaning, but giving it more usual “Nu”, and then think... thank F for have come with your industrial sized thought, it really has come to stand for that... less effort required... Other nights, scissors) can be bloody hard sometimes. so much more. same pulling line, and then get a “Da”, There is of course so much more. So log and think... well thank F for that... be nice on in and see who else you may just Foreigner on the trot. Being a foreigner to have some level of communication, know. Happy reading.
Foreign new in town
For those who have been causing a ruckus here as long as I have, you’ll remember your first day here as much as you remember where you were when you were first told that if you play with it… you may go blind. So it’s your first day... Off the plane, gagging for a fag, traipsing through customs and then of course… passport control! Eye balled by some old geezer suffering from the repercussions of communism, with his half out unironed scruffy looking uniform, with his “rent a cop” badge on his sleeve playing foreigner interrogation time, all of which would have vanished if you’d just bribed him with a fiver… Then bang! Slapped right across the chops with a 45 degree heat wave, like you were just dropped far from any oasis in the Sahara, and all while still craving that first drag. Knowing what we all know... Naturally the one thing Romania is known ever so graciously for, is its fantastic display of fine women who all come
with that bred-in Latino fire we all like. Now if you are as unfortunate as I am to come from a small Island where all the women wear jeans & t-shirts and love a pint almost as much as their men, then you are going to love your time here. No matter how short... Romania has a little soft spot for the foreign single man. If you have just come here as a single man, then congratulations, you’ve just landed in God’s little heaven for the lads. If you’ve somehow foolishly made it here with the wife... best not go out! The city, well the whole country really, is flowing with fit and fortunately willing young potential. However, due to an increase of our favorite fast food joints, it’s no longer so
hard to find one that’s built for comfort and not speed. Bucharest will be kind to you as long as you have some form of ambition, a coin or two, or can bullshit your way through a good yarn. Just cos ya here Don’t miss the match or ya favorite team play. There are a few good Irish pubs here in town, such as The Harp in Unirii, which is dead easy to find and any Joe maxi will get you there for penny. Also the Dubliner Irish Pub, right at the top end of Piata Victoriei. Both owned by Bucharest’s favorite Irish resident, Dave Larkin. He’s got all ya Sky channels on all his TV’s, Bucharest’s largest supply of Guinness and a rugged touch of home. If you want to get out and about and join the locals who also love English football, get yourself into lipscani. Lipscani is what is known as the “Old Town” but has over the last 3-4 years taken a real turn around. It’s now the place to be. You have sports bars, Irish pubs all of which show the club, league & championship matches.
No matter how short... Romania has a little soft spot for the foreign single man
You can take the boy out of Devon, but you can’t take Devon out of the boy Get down to Oscars Irish pub and meet one of Romania’s only Devon shire boys who’s here to stay. Stuart is the pub’s owner and being half Irish knows a thing or two about life in Bucharest, and like a true navy, loves his Guinness. He’ll give you a proper welcome, sit ya down with a pint and get the banter flying. Great pub too! Has live music, Darts, loads of TV’s and some good old fashion karaoke. Don’t forget to ask him for a loyalty card to make every visit sweeter. He even helps run a darts club here, for anyone who’s game, every Thursday night with loads of booze flying about and always a good laugh. Craving for a curry If you’re out on the piss or just got the craving for a dirty curry and are in need for some good old fashioned customer service after being treated like a peasant everywhere you’ve been… then the Karishma Restaurant it is! Have a chat to the hostess… not only will she give you great recommendations off the menu, but she won’t just point to the pricy wines, she’ll let you know what’s best and, as an added bonus, she’s dead fit too.
There are two other well known Indian Restaurants here in town, the Havali, the Taj and Bucharest’s latest Musafir, which is located in the backyard of the former Commodities Exchange building in Uranus-Rahova. Having never dined there and being a lover of Indian cuisine, we’ll have to let you know next time, but for me, the pick of the bunch and the one that stands out has to be Karishma. The service is above none and by far the most consistent.
Not a lot 10 years ago the only two things to do in Bucharest, apart from swording as many women as possible, which ultimately was the favorite pass time, was hitting the movies or getting on the piss. I say hitting the movies, because, and I’m sure you can all relate, that’s exactly what you wanted to do when you were there... hit someone. Every sunglasses wearing pikie twat (most commonly known here as cocalar) spends more time on his bastard mobile phone thinking he’s the dogs bollocks, than letting any other bugger there enjoy themselves. Joe Maxi Gone are the days where we’d jump into a cab, go anywhere in town, all for the cost of no more than quid and still complain when they’d try to rip you off for an extra 20p. It didn’t matter which cab company you took, you were guaranteed to hop into a Dacia that was held together by rubber bands, have some old geezer trying to explain why Romania was a hole that he just couldn’t seem to dig his way out of, while attempting to break the land speed record at the same time. Now it costs between 3-4 pounds to get just about anywhere and we’d still flap about how much it is. If you’re new to town there are certain cabs you want to take and certain ones you do not. You want to be looking for the tariff rate on the door which is currently about 1.39 Ron, but also one with a company name plastered all over it. The best advice we can give you, especially if you’re new in town, is to get one ordered. Then you’ll be getting where you need to go, at the going local rate without the assistance of one depressed little balding Schumacher. Some reputable cabs are: Crist Taxi, Taxi 2000 Speed taxi, Tess taxi, AS taxi, Cobalcescu taxi, Meridian taxi.
So every time it was suggested, binning it and getting on the piss made so much more sense… well, to a point. The going rate for a pint was as high as 20p, back in the day when everyone here was a million-lei-aire. Now it’s running a leg side with the UK at closer to 2 pounds a go. Bucharest is now loaded with great things to do. It pulled its pants up, shook off some of its communistic dregs and has almost become a real city. You can pretty much do the lot from tenpin to ten laps round one of the best go-kart tracks in Europe. There are loads of ads further in so, as ya read on, you’ll find who to call and where to go. If not, you can always revert back to getting extremely drunk and causing havoc wherever you go... just like most of us other foreigners here on holiday.
The cabbies to look for are the ones driven by older gentlemen. They tend to be a lot more genuine and friendly. They normally don’t speak more than 2 or 3 words of English, but arguably this is better. The younger pot belly chubby gypsy looking drivers, who have every possible after market accessory on their cars, are the private ones who will take you to your destination via England and lead you to believe they are the ones doing you the favor. Avoid at all cost getting into one of these cabs. If you’re going away for a weekend or trip outside of Bucharest, you may find yourself in places like Gara de nord, or other bus or train stations for that matter, whereby you are approached by cab drivers. Say “Nu Mersi” in your best accent and call a reputable company or jump in one you recognize! If you have been to these places before, you’ll be familiar with that sudden urge you get to stab them in the left eye with a fork. When you manage to get into what seems like the right cab, always make sure that the driver turns on the taximeter so you don’t have any unpleasant surprises. And, if you need it for work related expenses, just ask for a receipt and for it to be stamped. Catching a cab can be a lot easier than trying to find a parking spot here in town. It doesn’t require some gypsy who will assist you in parking your own car… because you clearly aren’t capable of doing this alone. Then paying that gypsy, because if you do not he’ll probably key your car. Cab it.
The good news is that, unlike in the UK, where summer happens sometime in July on a Thursday, here you get great heat, the chance to burn about like never before and it lasts for the best part of 6 months. All the birds come out wearing just enough to make you question the arse ache of a relationship you’re in, and the beaches in Constanta will bring it to a halt. Constanta is loaded with great activities from jet skiing to aqua parks & gondolas. We’ll write more about this as we approach the summer months.
With the nippers If it’s your first days here, like most of us you’ll be wanting to feel welcomed and generally looking for a touch of home or a taste of something familiar. If you’re with the nippers, probably heading straight into town finding an Irish pub and getting on the piss is what you’d rather be doing, but that may not be the most sensible idea and certainly will tighten up the chain on the end of that ball for the rest of the trip. Bucharest isn’t really the ideal hot spot for a family holiday as it offers a restricted selection of attractions. Parents with children in their mid to late teens will get by with the city’s museums and popular historic sites. If your kids are a little younger, then a few places you’d best be taking them would be Herastrau Park, the Bucharest Zoo or even some of the malls. Most of the bigger malls have game rooms with air hockey, ten-pin bowling and even all year round ice skating and an Imax theatre. If that’ll float their boat, then take them to Afi Palace Mall… it’s the best mall to hit. If you can’t entertain them for a full day you could always resort to shopping and if that doesn’t work, there are loads of good orphanages in town… Irish pubs I mention Irish pubs a lot because wherever you end up travelling to, as a foreigner, it’s the one place we always seem to end up in. Although you can’t find a proper paddy on his stool that only a crowbar would pry him from, or any teeth fly at the end of a good game, you do find loads of westerners from all over the globe who have been here a while and maybe, just like the rest of us, came down to the pub to get away from life for a while. They’ll all be dead keen to catch a pint with ya, talk some shiet and give you pointers about living here or where to go and what to do. On top of that, they are the only decent places you can go to get a good Guinness or Kilkenny and get some half decent service. For a long time there were only two Paddy pubs in town and they’re cropping up like Romania’s presidents comb over in a gale. You’ll get a crackin steak and kidney, fish & chips and a wealthy supply of HP’s finest. They all have terraces in the summer, friendly staff and one even holds a games night on a Sunday. Best way to get started.
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Frankly speaking piss take
After all the politics that have been going on around Romania as of late, we thought we’d take some time out to review what happens at the top... Meet Romania’s finest...
The immediate trigger for the recent rioting was due to the resignation of Romania’s ever popular Health Ministry’s Deputy Secretary of State, Mr. Raed Arafat. Arafat, the founder of the mobile emergency rescue service SMURD, didn’t appear on most of the expats radar until now. He, unlike most of Romania’s corrupt government, was more than displeased with the emergency care provisions of Romania’s new healthcare bill. He disputed the newly drafted law to reform the healthcare system with President Traian Basescu and Health Ministry officials, but got nowhere. Prime Minister at the time, Emil Boc, then begged and pleaded for him to come back and be part of the team working to revise proposals... mainly to save face for the President and calm the people down, but stated clearly that, as far as here in Romania is concerned, he’ll never work in politics again. Romania just lost one of its great politicians. And right there it all began. So I sat down to watch the riots and protesting from the safety of my Lounge room chair. I mean, I did want to go down to the town centre and watch a whole bunch of locals and wannabe football hooligans throw bricks at the police, wave signs upside down and buy pretzels, but... neah…
17 Now don’t get me wrong, for all those who came for the right reasons, arguably they should still be down there today. PRO TV cleverly targeted the younger protesters because they clearly are the most aware group of citizens who can voice educated responses such as “Ahh... well... uuhmmm” when interviewed under the pressure of difficult questions like why they had chosen to participate. This was only portraying to the nation, exactly how much of a piss take PRO TV really thought this was.
nia from Iliescu’s direction of former Communism, into a better place. He successfully conned the EU into welcoming Romania to its state on a promise to bring the nation up to EU standards. So, doing things in order, he decided to attack Romania’s B grade roads first. After serious consideration, he convinced the EU council that his brother’s wife’s sister in-law’s cousin is the main man for the job and signed a multimillion Euro contract to construct and improve the quality of roads across the nation and proceeded with the rebuild. Now we all know,
These protesters had been on the streets at this stage for 2 consecutive weeks… night after night, and like the great leader he is, he just blanked it.
They chose to really focus on the relevant events, such as the shot of a policeman running full tit into a rubbish bin to the Simpsons theme tune… the locals holding up make shift signs with a true plea for Chuck Norris’ help... or the most sensible lad there... the old fella seizing the day and selling pretzels from his basket. I wonder if the station is run by a Brit.
During these floral times of need, the beloved President of the nation has chosen to vacate the country, because (and those of you who have lived here as long as I have, will know) adopting the policy of an ostrich is how many situations get resolved here. He popped up on the scene, after it all turned to custard, to say that the law is fine and we’re not changing anything... nice! Now on the face of it all, it appeared that Basescu took Roma-
from the endless mechanical repairs we fork out for each year, that he did live up to the taking part of the “Give and take” EU relationship and successfully turned the B grade roads into an A minus state at best. Basescu appears to have had a rather fruitful reign as head gaffer. He successfully found a way to get the funds he required to improve well... Bucharest mainly, so when you come into the city from the airport it looks like a real capital. He partook in an unsuccessful attempt to eliminate the stray dog problem in Bucharest and when I say eliminate, I mean eliminate. He was
18 defeated by the 1950’s French Actress Brigitte Bardot and the animal rights association. Brigitte Bardot has donated more than $140,000 over the last few years for a mass sterilization and adoption program for the mutts, which is a number now estimated to be about 300,000. Now, as much as the dogs can be a right pain in the ring, the arm or the leg for that matter, at a recorded bite rate of just over 1500 per day, you kinda have to ask, cruel or not... was he on the right track? President now... and you really have to ask why... let’s go back before he was president and before he was mayor of Bucharest. Some silly twat made him the Minister of Transportation for Romania. I guess they thought because he’d captained a few oil tankers, he was clearly the most eligible candidate Romania had to offer... I bet not! Looking through the years of his political career and watching his comb over take form, his days of obvious lies, deceit and corruption were apparent right from the beginning. He displayed the utmost disregard for the rule of law and an ongoing propensity for abuse of power. The “Fleet Files”... his most corrupt moment in his political career and otherwise known as Romania’s greatest post-communist scandal to date. He approved the sale of 16 government owned naval ships, each valued at tens of millions of dollars, to the Norwegian company Klaveness for 1 dollar a piece. That’s right 1 dollar a piece. So what Romania got from its faithful appointed minister outside of this 16 dollar sale, was a 20 million dollar debt to an Oslo Bank, the rest of its fleet seized to meet unpaid debts as of course they were under mortgage... and oh yeah... no naval fleet. Now this took place in 1991 and somehow, claiming political immunity, he got away with it. 9 years later, he was elected mayor and then voted in as president. Now, Basescu was the first president in Romania’s history to be officially suspended from office in 2007, accused of violating Romania’s constitution. By now you’d think they’d be bringing out their pitch forks and their torches... but no no... the slippery bald bugger stated this “I assure you that after my return I will continue to speak openly and tell the truth about the government” clearly good enough... corruption is running through his veins... He was voted in again for a second term in 2009... Hard to believe... It is a blessing, for the good people, that he can’t reign again. Just as an interesting point of closure, I thought I would put down some of Romania’s fearless leader’s favourite quotes.
“I’ve been the sea captain of large oil tankers”... “and I always reach my destination.” - I’m guessing he was thinking this during the 16 dollar sale too... “I am elected by the people, not the dogs” - I bet Brigitte Bardot had different feelings “I never promised you a rose Garden” - my pockets are full… they’ll never know.
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Funny as a fart in an elevator jokes
“Did you hear about the new French tank? Yeah, it has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.”
An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!” An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman were in a bar drinking somewhere in South America. They noticed a pot of money in the corner and asked the barman what was it there for. “Well” said the barman “that is there for the taking for anyone who can: 1. Drink a full bottle of tequila in two minutes, 2. Go into that box over there with a lion inside and pull a thorn from the lion’s foot, 3. Finally go upstairs and make love to a 100 year old woman”. “What happens if we fail?” they inquired. “If ye fail and survive”, the barman said, “ye’ll be sold as sex-slaves to a local tribe”. Despite the risks they said they would try it. The Englishman goes first and after half the tequila he collapses drunk and is taken away to be sold. The Scotsman is next. He downs the tequila and staggers to the lion cage. The door is closed and there is a quick scream as he is eaten alive by the lion, unable to defend himself. The Irishman drinks the tequila and stumbles towards the lion’s den. The door is closed behind him and almost immediately there are the most spine curdling screams and shouts coming from the cage, which lasts all of ten minutes. There is banging up against the sides of the box and everything and then silence. The Irishman emerges battered, bleeding and torn - “now” he says “where is that lady with the thorn in her foot?”
22 A DOG NAMED SEX
One day I entered sex in a contest. But before the competition began, sex ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him “rover” or just looking around. I told him that I was going to have sex in “spot”. I called mine “sex”. Now sex has been very embarrassing the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. to me when I went to the city hall to renew the dog’s license “You don’t understand!” I said, “I hoped to have sex on TV!”. He for sex. I told the clerk I’d like a license for sex. He said “I would called me a show off. like to have one too!”. Then I said “she is a dog!”. He said he didn’t care what she looked like. I said “You don’t understand. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for I had sex since I was 9 years old”. He replied “You must have custody of the dog. I said “Your honor, I had sex before I was been quite a strong boy” married, but sex left me after I was married”. The judge said . “Me too!” When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after Last night, sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for the wedding was over. I said “But sex has played a big part in her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the my life and my life revolves around sex”. He said he didn’t want alleyway at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said “I’m looking for sex”. to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his My case comes up next Thursday. church. I told him everybody would like having sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the justice of peace. My Well, now I have been thrown in jail, been divorced and had family was barred from the church then on. more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why, just the other day when I went for my first session with my When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog psychiatrist, she asked me “What seems to be the trouble?”. I with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that replied “Sex has been my best friend all of my life but now it I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for has left me forever. I couldn’t live any longer. So lonely”. The sex. He said every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said doctor said “look mister, you should understand sex isn’t a “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night”. The clerk man’s best friend. So get yourself a dog” said “Me too!”
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Fancy a night out then & now You’d get ya gears on ready for a proper night out, be thankful for good Guinness and the fact that, somehow, you had just ended up in what seemed like an ocean of attractive young women, bigger than the Atlantic. Friday & Saturday night was always about getting down to the one of the two Irish pubs, catch up on a good weekly whingeing session, wait till you were feeling a bit sexy, then... “To the jukebox!!!” You’d start the night by traipsing for a hole in the wall... this would always be an over charged cab ride unless you were already in a hotel or outside Mac
There are many bars, pubs & clubs in town now. Back when Bucharest was just a child, there were only really a handful of great places to go. All the big cosmopolitan fitzi places just didn’t exist, and man were things cheap. Donald’s in Unirii. Take out 1 maybe 2 million lei (100 - 200 Ron) and that was you for the night. Unless you happened to venture down to what is now the main drag of the city, Lipscani, to the old Jukebox. The honourable host and pub owner Neil King, god bless him, would always find a way of guesstimating the bill and making sure you had not only been filling his glass all night, but be emptying the rest of your wallet
too. The pub was great. It was just a bit bigger than your average 3 bedroom apartment, had a live band, which were, hands down, the best live band in town at the time, and was full of young hot Romanian gold diggers. Just the way we like it. The karaoke would kick in after the band finished and onward it would go till the Mrs was calling you saying “you said you’d take me out for lunch, where are you?”
25 Lipscani Bucharest has grown up and transformed itself into a real city, and quick too by the way. Lipscani, formally known as “The Old Town” right in the centre of the city, is the place to be. It now has an abundance of great places to eat & drink. More good news. There are now loads more Irish pubs about, too. So if you’re in need of finding one that looks and smells like it hasn’t been cleaned since the cold war, you can find them all there. Faultless Guinness and generally proper customer services too. If you’ve been here a while then you’ll know that Irish pubs or big hotels are basically as good as it’s going to get when it comes to customer service. If you’re in the need for some good live music then you’d best be staying in Lipscani. You have many a place to go to see some really top bands. Mojo’s would have to be a favourite. They have the lot, from your underground bare brick cellar with loads of new, up and coming to current bands playing. Renowned as the best venue for karaoke in town, with a welcoming bar on the ground floor. They also have their own in house band that’ll always be playing something you’ll know. Ask for Mike the manager there. He’ll be dead keen to look after ya... At every exit of the Old Town there are taxi stands too, making getting home, or to your next stop, so much easier. Herastrau Park You can still find a good restaurant, bar, pub or club outside of the central city and, in some respects, it can be more relaxing. As much as the Lipscani has become the strip, it will always be crowded and, of course full of life, but there are times that call for less rush and mayhem. There are some top notch restaurants out towards Herastrau Park, but if you are looking for the service to go along with the price you will be paying... you best be arriving in your Lamborghini. Calea Victoriei Calea Victoriei has a wide range of hotels, bars, pubs and restaurants. Two thirds of the way down from the end of Piata Victoria you’ll find an alleyway called Valea Regilor, or Kings Valley. It is full of fantastic little rustic restaurants and terraces that lay without the pretentiousness of the main Lipscani strip perhaps. You can smoke up your best flavored Turkish tobacco in a traditional Hookah, also known as Narghile, Qalyan, or Shisha, get an Egyptian style latte, or maybe enjoy one of Bucharest’s best goulashes in town... right out of a proper old stock pot bowl. Gotta love this city. There are also a few places such as Spice club & Coyotes that offer live bands, flaming style cocktails and a great buzz.
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As an expat in Bucharest you’ll remember the wild nights that rang on till the early lunch hours of the following day down at Planters. Well here is the good news. Planters is back on the map. Still located in the centre of Bucharest,walking distance from just about anywhere, we... have reopened. New owners, new management, new décor..new everything!!! Well just about... We’ll still be your hosts of the endless nights, the booze is still well priced and it’s once again a great place to go an meet some new people and catch up with familiar few too. If you’re new to town and didn’t get the chance to visit, then you would’ve heard only that the parties where nothing shy of fantastic and always ended at dawn. Missed them before... Now’s your chance!!!
Have a tea or coffee in the front lounge bar... Set your business meeting here with free wi-fi, it’s quiet and most importantly...comfortable. You’ll find the staff here friendly and ready to serve. Make Planters Café one of your favourite coffee spots in town. Or maybe soothing cocktails, high class cigars and top shelf delights. We have all the ingredients required for a quality time out in Bucharest. If you are a sports fan, you’ll be delighted to know that we show all the good games and while you’re here we’ll put a few specials on the house too.
Great cocktails? Fun music? Fair prices? Live music? You name it, we have it and it all comes with a side of smile. Flexible too!
So what’s new you say...Not only the classy décor or highly skilled friendly staff.. no no no...it’s the new attitude that really shines. Come to Planters forget the hard working days, enjoy some customer service (which up until now didn’t exist anywhere here in Bucharest) and surrender to the fun!
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Business meetings that require special arrangements, birthdays or even renting the place for corporate or private events, Planters is there to help. We hold just over 400 people, or, if you need something more intimate, book the upstairs mezzanine floor.
So, if you still haven’t been to Planters since its reopening, now is the time, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised!
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Food Restaurants The fair review! With over 15 years experience in all things food and drink, our resident critic Matt Highley will guide you through what’s hot and what’s not on the Bucharest dining scene. (if you have a restaurant and you want to be fairly reviewed in the magazine please contact ……)
Arta Veche Restaurant. Wine and fine dining.
just lack of communication. Thankfully that’s easily fixed.
Situated on the corner of Gabroveni Street and Selari Street. Is there hope on the Gabroveni horizon?
Another waiter wanted to take one of our menus before we had even decided what to eat and for us to share one because he didn’t have any more. Really that actually happened! Couldn’t believe it. Very strange.
Wow, this was one of the strangest dinners I have ever had. If you are looking for real fine dining you may want to avoid this place. Fine dining it is not, far from it. However despite having many teething problems (it only opened recently) there is a bright shining light at the end of the tunnel. The chef!
On the plus side the décor is nice and the wall paintings are very impressive but unfortunately the ambience is tarnished by what can only be described as some kind of loud weird Arabian house music blaring out from the speakers. And To my great amazement, even though it’s of course, surprise surprise, they have a a far step from any fine dining you may plasma! Aaaaahhh, when will restaurants be used to, the food is really good. And get it? NO TV AT DINNER TIME! for the prices it’s even better. They are very reasonable. They have a lovely house rose wine but don’t keep it in the fridge so it is served I thoroughly recommend the pork tenwarm. Hmmm. That’s just annoying. derloin with a rich Malaga sauce served with pea and pumpkin puree. It looked Well, finally onto the strangest thing of stunning and tasted even better. Goes all for me (yes, even stranger than the great with a side of sautéed broccoli and menu incident!). On a supposedly fine all that for 36 ron. That’s excellent value dining menu, they have a traditional for money. Also the shrimps in garlic and Romanian section on the back page. I wine starter is delicious. am sure the chef must hate this. It’s a shame because what’s coming out of the However, this wouldn’t be a fair review kitchen from the main menu is excellent without saying what’s wrong with it. and a welcome addition to the old Well, as stated before, it’s not fine dining centre. I think they should really lose that but with great food at great prices it is back page and let the chefs spread their such a shame to see so much go wrong. wings and add a few more house creaThe menu is a sufficiently small mix of tions because they can certainly cook. international cuisine with some nice signature dishes that gives the impression So, all that said, with a few changes this of fresh modern tasty dining. However place could easily blossom into a great the white sticky labels with the hand restaurant. written prices on them do not. They give the impression of a self service canteen. Food – 9 ½ /10 Awful. Value for money – 9/10 Service – 6/10 The service was a little disappointing. Our starters came before our drinks and Would I return? Hell yes. I think it’s got although the waiter was really friendly to be worth a 2nd chance. Overall it’s he didn’t really seem to know what was good food at good prices! They have the going on. hardest part done, now they need to just fix all the little things. An unusual but 2 out of 3 dishes we ordered were not positive beginning for Arta Veche. Let’s available that night, but of course he hope a bright future unfolds. I highly didn’t know that so the poor guy had to recommend you try it but maybe be a come back twice to ask us to reorder. Its little open minded.
40
Five Stars Why not?
We swear by the hotels that advertise with us, for obvious reasons. Mainly because they offer great service, nice comforting rooms, friendly staff and... ahh, who am I kidding... they pay!
So, in keeping with the F word’s subtle style, I thought it appropriate to share with you some of the encounters that you may stumble over whilst gallivanting across the nation. Now ordinarily you’d be thinking to yourself, you’ve seen a bit of the country now, stayed in a few hotels across the globe and if I liken hotels in the general genre of customer service that Romania has to offer, you know what’s coming. Well let me assure you, you’d be wrong... and I’m sure, gladly so! I came here originally, back in 2002, on a sub contract with the Marriott Hotel here in Bucharest and after my time here, travelling to all the little nooks and crannies, I don’t believe the service in any of the 3-5 star hotels I have stayed in was much different from the good old Mr. J W himself. All the Hotels here are generally of a high standard. You can find a decent 3-4 star (outside of Bucharest of course) for, more often than not, under 150 RON, which in all fairness ain’t too bad. However, Romania has been renowned for having only two seasons, which is pretty accurate, but it’s only right in the heart
41 of summer or down in the depths of the winter that you will find the hotel prices to be more than triple. If you’re like me and think, bugger it’s hot, the bird is working, let’s round up the lads, whip down to the beach for a splash, some rays and a good perv... then you best have your Amex Black card with you. Don’t expect anything additional with this leap in cost... well in saying that, maybe you should have a few expectations. You should expect less service, no breakfast and a basic disregard to your presence. Well in peak season on the coast, you pretty much get that everywhere. But on a serious note, the standards are high, the service is good and as an expat you’re bound to get the royal treatment, which, let’s face it, is not too bad. If you’re heading down to Constanta, you’ll do your miserable best to pick up the fit looking receptionist (on the condition you didn’t find the only hotel operated by the one woman who’s old enough to be your mum) ask her the classics like “what’s fun to do around here” or “which way to the beach”, cos ya can’t think of anything more clever. By now the concern of the overpriced room has simply evaporated from between your ears, as what’s between them is no longer in charge of the thinking. Travelled far and wide as have we all, and I must give credit where credit is due. You have had the most shocking of times in restaurants, an urge to slap a waitress in a bar, poke a shop assistant in the eye for stalking you while you scour the racks, but 99% of the time you’re more than looked after in all of the Romanian hotels. The good news is that Romanian hotels have some keen marketers on board too. We found some of their rejected slogans to bring in more punters. To finish of this chapter, we’ve loosely translated them for a good laugh. Rejected Hotel Advertising Slogans - Because you deserve better than the back seat of some car. - With Monica as the spokeswoman: “Because some stains you want to keep” - If We’d Known You Were Staying All Night, We’d have changed the Sheets - You rented the room, now buy the video. - Sure, you could stay some place nicer, but then you wouldn’t have money left over for a hooker. - Hey, we’re not the Ritz, just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal! - As seen on “COPS” - Clinton comes here... Why shouldn’t you. - We put the “Ho” in “Hotel”
44
Farting about other activities
It’s warm... you fancy a bit of chill out time, where the manic rush of Bucharest is what you’re desperate to get a day off from and you’re just craving for some good old fashioned mindless fun. Well, here’s the good news.
split seconds after it has, some impatient pikie twat is honking the arse off you as Now, there’s quite a bit happening in and if you’d been sitting there for a week... Oh, how much would you like to stick his around the outskirts of the city. When Dacia right up him? Driving in Bucharest I first arrived, it was even moreso of a is the most invigorating, involving, indeconcrete jungle than it is now. Those cent motor experience there is, so let it who are new to town may find that out & hit the track. somewhat hard to imagine, but either way, there were only a couple of things Most of the kart companies have well you could do. The locals... and the bars! In some respects both were better back designed tracks, give you the long then, because Romania hadn’t found fast winded “Rules” speech (because clearly you still look 16), but also have proper, food yet, which kept the locals fit, and well greased up karts built to take a the bars were even cheaper than they hit. You will find that most of the tracks are now... Ahhh those were the days. have karts that range from 6 right up to 13 horses. 13 horses doesn’t sound like Once that grows thin, (and I hope not much, I know, but with racing slicks on for too long) there is loads on the go, polished concrete and of course only so have a look around our site www. thefword.ro to find out more about what being an inch and a half off the ground... kind of activities there are to do, but for they go like the clappers. now let me share a personal favourite. They all tend to offer much of a muchness in terms of quality and all will turn Go karting!!! a blind eye if you’re out there giving a Now, driving around the city isn’t much bit to ya mates! The longest track here different from Go Karting and god knows is an astonishing 1275m long. Personal how much you’d just love to shunt a few favourite of mine as it’s outdoors and has of those buggers straight into a wall. Not the big 13 horse power karts that make you grateful you came out with a clean just for driving like complete muppets, but for the horn. Driving around any civi- pair of underwear on. What a great way lized nation you’d only ever hear a horn to spend a good weekend afternoon. They also have the professional gokart from a cab who’d just arrived to pick racing on certain weekends, so if that you up or maybe on a services vehicle. puts the hump in ya camel, be sure to Here... no no no… you’ll be first at the check out their race days too. lights waiting for it to turn green and 3
48
Feeling rough healty and beauty
Yes that’s right, you have just turned the page over to your favourite section, and I’m guessing you’re thinking about either turning the page again, or even putting the magazine down all together.
Diet... too much work... but would still love to be thinner? If you’ve always wanted to be thinner and bla bla bla... No!!! Let me save you the trouble. If you want be thinner, but don’t really want to put in too much effort, then read on. Now you’re thinking of some make shift answer to looking great without any effort... sounds like a typical American infomercial. Well here’s the bottom line – if you want to achieve anything, from financial success to physical fitness, it’s just not possible without some degree of effort... But is it possible that there is a way with minimal effort? The answer is Yes! Yes, there is!!! All forms of achievement require the same key element. Discipline! Self discipline. You’ll need some, or it will never work. Losing weight is something we want to happen quickly and quietly. Not something we want to wait months for, or have to join a gym for. We want results and we want them now. I’ve given this diet to many friends, family, colleagues and even to strangers while drunk in a bar. I never needed to lose weight, till I hit thirty. It’s about then, for most of us, that what we put in just seems to get packed on. The metabolic state is where your body needs to get to, before you’ll ever lose any serious weight. What is the metabolic state? This is the state in which your body will start to adapt to partitioning fatty cells. This will take one whole week. Nothing more. To get into the metabolic state, you’ll need an injection of protein consistent foods, and no more than a maximum of 50 grams of carbohydrates a day. The best way to do this is to bin the bread, potatoes, pastas, sweets and all the sauces. Lay off the sugar filled products and alcohol too. It’s a week, come on!!! Drive yourself to predominately eat chicken and eggs. I suggest chicken due to its high quantity of protein, but also because the quality of chicken sold in
49 Romania is fantastic. What this means, in simple terms, is that you can eat anything you like, just as long as your carb intake per day is no more than 50 grams. Do this for 7 days to bring your body into the metabolic state. Then repeat the cycle for another 5 days. The easiest way to manage this diet is to start on a Monday, this way, by the second weekend you’ll be treating yourself. Day 13 & 14. Go nuts! Go and pig out on all the things you’ve been sacrificing, but only for these 2 days. After that do 5 more days of Max 50 grams of carbs or less. So, to break it down: Day 1 to/and including Day 12 - no more than 50 grams of carbohydrates per day Day 13 & 14 - eat whatever you want Day 15 to 19 - no more than 50 grams of carbohydrates per day Day 20 & 21 - eat whatever you want Day 22 to 26 - no more than 50 grams of carbohydrates per day and so on... This way you’re also going to really enjoy your weekend with familiar comfort food. Only 1 key point outside of what type of food you’re eating. When you eat - eat a fist full of food. Just eat what you have to. Not how much you want to. Think of food merely as fuel.
In 1 month you can be down by as much as 15 kgs – The first time I tried this diet, I lost 7kgs in 12 days. The next 3-4kgs took almost till the end of the month. It takes 21 days for anything to become a habit and, as far as diets go, this is one of the most effective I know. Granted, you’ll start to hate chicken, but get creative! There are loads of different ways to prepare/cook it to keep you sane over the month. Give it a go - you’ve got what to lose!!!
54
Floats, Flies or F&%#s... rent it
Bugatti has just unveiled the most powerful roadster of all time at the 82nd International Geneva Motor Show that was held at the beginning of March.
The Veyron was all about pushing the outside of the envelope, a challenge to mother nature, a force to be reckoned with... the Concorde of modern motor engineering. To maybe simplify it a bit... your car has 1 radiator – this baby has 10.
It’s putting out an astonishing 1200HP and 1500Nm of torque... enough to get you grinning ear to ear and enough to blow the knickers right of your Mrs. Along with the increase in power (made possible by the four enlarged turbo chargers and intercoolers), the Bugatti has entered a new dimension of Bugatti’s engineers clearly weren’t entirely happy with its open-top driving. Optically aligned, the Vitesse also impresses current 1001 HP and 1250 Nm of torque... and its breath taking with its dynamic driving characteristics, its slightly modified top speed of 408km/h, a top speed faster than a formula 1 car chassis to support the new level of power and a rumoured by the way... It wasn’t enough that it knocked off the record set sprint to 100 km/h in just 2.3 seconds... two tenths of a second by Koenigsegg’s CCR... oh no they said... it needs more! faster than its predecessor. Here’s a sexy fact for our fellow petrol heads. It only takes another 4.4 seconds to hit 200km/h. So the lads down at the plant thought let’s dump a few more If you can see past the price tag, this toy will give you that adponies in there, add another few pound-feet of torque, cut the ditional 4 inches that no doctor could help you with. roof off and see what happens. Well, as they say “Competition improves the breed” so there’s the new Grand Sport Vitesse.
55 Testicles... most of us like to think we have a pair and know how to put them to good use, but if you think you’ve been blessed with a pair of King Kong’s danglies, then you may want to have a look at this. These bad boys will have you cursing the language’s finest with speeds up to 340km/h... that’s right 340 km/h. That’s one football field’s length per second. It is Ducati’s 2012 Panigale 1199. With its raw power, it’s more than enough to bewilder even the most insane adrenaline junkies. The 1199 hurls you from stationary to 100km/h in just under 3 seconds. Once you’ve caught your breath and are over the whiplash (this will take a second or two), you’ll keep climbing to a point where the bike can take more than you. You’ll top out at speeds that run neckand-neck with some of the fastest production motorcycles in the world.
The new 1199 Panigale weighs only 418 lbs (or 189kgs) and is powered by a re-designed V-twin engine with an output of 195 HP and 361.5 ft-lb of torque. Not only is it packing an extra 25 ponies but weighing in 11 kgs less than its predecessor, the 1198, rockets the Panigale into a category only known as the most powerful twin-cylinder production engine on the planet. No words can express the sense of freedom you can endure by finding those brass balls and hoping on. It has the first horizontal shock absorber with an alternate pivot so you can adjust the suspension from race mode with a more linear spring curve, to street mode with a more progressive angle. The cost of one of these bad boys ranges from £14,995 right up to £23,995 in the U.K., while in the U.S. it walks in from $17,995 up to $27.995.