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First word welcome to our mag We’re running the gauntlet again!!! Welcome to the November edition of The F Word. If you’re as baffled as Adam on Mother’s Day as to what this magazine is all about – let me be the first to tell ya... Nothing! Yep you read it right! In case you’re wondering why we’d say that, it’s here we let you know that we’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike, as funny as a fart in a space suit and about as tasteful as Jimmy Carr is polite. On that note, only curiosity will keep you from putting it down. See... nothing... just bleated on for an entire paragraph about
nothing. Hard to believe. So what do the next fifty odd pages contain… well if I was to tell you that you’d miss out on all the paid advertisers that want you to notice them. So on their behalf... we offer a bit, granted not a lot, but a bit more than just old gobblers. Need a place to stay, hassle free? We have an expat friendly agency that don’t see you as a walking bank account, who speak English and are always keen to help. Bars pub and clubs? Yep they’re in here too. As Lipscani can get a bit much after a few nights, we’ve narrowed down the best ones to go to and a few that aren’t too far away to help give you variety. Some things are harder to find than the Loch
Ness, like a good dentist. We can help you out there. One of our clients is just that. He’s my dentist, now my wife’s (not that she’s ever neglected her teeth) and a few mates have come back raving about the low cost (his fit assistant), the cleanliness and the...well I guess you would call it the “Chair side manner” in this case. What about taking a day trip around some of Romania’s hot spots? We have a travel agent who’s worked with us for a while now who can help you with the lot. Expat friendly too! - As for the rest, you’ll need to read on to find out what verbal diarrhoea is inside, so until next month, Happy reading!
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Foreign new in town
To Thai or not to Thai – Kunnai is the question! If I had just read that opening line I’d be pretty confused, but let me set you straight. A client – be that as it may, Kunnai restaurant said flag the bill, come on down. No more incentive needed. Now before you think..”Ah ha... Now I get what they’re getting a right up....” You’d be as wrong as a foreigner in Russia. So down we went. I used this opportunity to get shown the kitchen and meet the chef. The floor was cleaner than a brass monkey’s gonads and the chef looked like he could cook up more than just a storm. The food... wow! Coming from most western countries, Thai food is something easy to find, but a rarity to Bucharest. Well you can look no further because Kunnai is the only one here and worth a mention. Thai curries, Thai shrimp cakes, rice that you’ve just never (unless you’ve been to Thailand) had the privilege of, seafood that doesn’t
taste like the usual Bucharest rubber you find yourself chewing on elsewhere and asking yourself “why?” again. What a treat. Here’s the kicker. The restaurant is owned by expats... no surprise there eh?! Tommasso is Italian and Ann is from beautiful Thailand. They have a background in food and my God does it show. Hang on hang on – this is still Bucharest after all, so you can expect the usual run of the mill service...NOT!!! Not here!!! They will service the death out of you... Christ it makes you feel you’ve teleported to the UK or better yet the US and are enduring what you used too... We even got up-sold too. Being a career salesman, this was bloody exciting to be on the end of. Granted it was free, but paying for it...worth it??? Not sure how to say “HELL YEAH!!!” any better other than saying it twice so “HELL YEAH HELL YEAH!!!”. By now I’m hopping now you realise this isn’t a paid review, but rather a secret that needs to be spread! If you haven’t been yet or are unsure... think again. Get ya backside down there, go with a few friends, the restaurant is humming with foreigners, so you’re guaranteed a good night out and the hosts are just fantastic… enough said.. go find out for yourself and get a touch of home (if that makes any sense) while there.
Happy bloody birthday
out, (no not out of the closet) ... out with you, but there is one very small yet valid flaw in the tradition. It’s your birthday so you gotta pay!!! It’s By now you may have been here a few minabout this time that you suddenly realise how utes and had the privilege of attending one’s many friends you have. There is no-one saying birthday. Now as much as birthdays are gener“Happy birthday mate, come to the bar I’ll buy ally a good laugh, the tradition here may come you a shot!” It’s more like...“OK what would all as a shock to you. At home you are probably seventy of you like to drink?” So for many having familiar with being taken out or your birthday, your own birthday, it can be a dent and a half by your close friends and or family. Purposely in your wallet. They also tend to do the re- vite leaving your wallet at home or bringing it in vain knowing that it won’t, even for a second, be invitation, which is weird...they do it at weddings too. She/he invited me so I have to invite them leaving your back pocket...not even for the cab to mine. I never understood this tradition either. ride home. You may even be familiar with your mates just completely ambushing you because Your real friends will always want to ensure ya have a good time, treat you out to a good time it’s your birthday and getting you a little under the weather…yeah right...more like so far gone for this occasion and not let you pay. If you feel you may have found a way to turn this tradition you can’t even remember why you went out in around, then feel free to write to us at: iwantarthe first place. If they are true mates, they’ll get you paralytic before it’s even 10:30pm. Here...no ealbirthday@thefword.ro chance!! Your family and close friends will come
10 A nine bob note
funeral here in Romania, there are certain people who attend that are simply there because...wait for it.... wait for it....they have been paid to turn Romania really has a lot on offer, more than we tend to remember sometimes. This may be due up and cry!!! That’s right... paid to come and shed a few tears. Typically, there are two levels to the fact that we’re clouded by the beauty that surrounds us on a daily basis and we forget of ‘pay to cry’ service. Yes it even has a name!!! The basic service includes weeping and crying. about...well pretty much everything else really. The premium service... yes you read it correctly... Yes that was a another sexist remark for those who didn’t pick up on it. This you probably won’t “Premium Service” includes dramatic sobbing know unless you’ve been causing a ruckus here and beating of one’s chest. Professional mourners are expected to follow standard protocols; as long as I have, but new or old to town this their services are retained through the entire may leave you using a few new age acronyms length of the funeral. like OMG or WTF. If you ever have the... well I In order to be a professional, one has to spend don’t know if privilege is the right word here, but what the hell, we’ll go with it. If you have the many years as an apprentice; some even have to privilege of attending a Romanian funeral, then pass professional examination. Clients won’t accept anything less than a seasoned professional. you’re in for a shock. Then again, in saying that Now that’s stranger than a nine bob note. you probably wouldn’t pick up on it unless you were told. So let me be the first! In many a good
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Freaky stuff Random as you like
Scaredy cats in Peru can rest easy; the annual feline-eating festival is over -- until next year. Every November, the town of La Quebrada holds a huge celebration to honor Santa Efigenia, a saint especially revered by Peruvians descended from African slaves, according to the Associated Press.
No more Pussy Pie. Part of the celebration includes La Festival Gastronomico del Gatom - The Gast Festival of the Cat, a Cat eating feast, commemorating the time when early settlers were forced to survive on cat meat, or so the story goes. Dozens of cats are bred specially for the feline feast. Featured dishes include spicy cat stew and grilled cat with native huacatay herbs, and the meat reportedly has a flavour similar to rabbit. PETA drew its claws in protest of the event in 2008, according to sources, but apparently to no effect. Some locals say the meat can cure bronchitis and boost fertility.
The activists say at least 100 cats will be eaten at this weekend’s festival of Santa Efigenia in La Quebrada, a town south of Lima. Congressman Juan Urquiza joined activists this year to write the district mayor and Peru’s health minister and demand a ban on cateating under a domestic animal protection law. Activists also claim that dining on felines is a public health danger. Health Minister Midori de Habich says the practice should be halted. But she has taken no action. La Quebrada residents defend their tradition and say the cats sacrificed are specially bred with only a handful killed and eaten.
Not only that, but Peruvian folk Super-size me...for life! wisdom has it that consuming - Hooked on chicken cat works as an aphrodisiac. nuggets: Girl, 17, who has Or maybe we’re translating eaten nothing else since that too literally. A Peruvian age TWO rushed to hospicongressman has joined animal tal after collapsing rights activists to try and halt Stacey, who is recovering at the consumption of barbecued cat at an annual religious home on a high-dose course of vitamins, has been hooked festival.
on chicken nuggets since her mother let her try them in a McDonald’s restaurant at the age of two. ‘I loved them so much they were all I would eat,’ she said. ‘I just couldn’t face even trying other foods. Mum gave up giving me anything else years ago.’ The teenager, of Castle Vale, Birmingham, admits she will occasionally vary her food intake – by eating a slice of toast for breakfast or a packet of crisps. Yet following her admission to hospital, she has conceded that the diet is having a negative impact on her health. ‘I am starting to realise this is really bad for me,’ she said. ‘My main meal is always chicken nuggets every day.’ ‘McDonald’s chicken nuggets are my favourite. I share 20 with my boyfriend with chips. ‘ ‘But I also like KFC and supermarket brands.’
16 A less serious consequence of her craving is that she is struggling to store all the free toys that come with the fast food meals, she added – they fill four bin bags. Stacey’s mother, Evonne, is exasperated by her daughter’s refusal to eat a healthy and varied diet and wants her to see a specialist. ‘She’s been told in no uncertain terms that she will die if she carries on like this’, the 39-year-old explained. ‘But Stacey says she can’t eat anything else. It breaks my heart to see her eating those damned nuggets.’ ‘I am at my wit’s end. I’m praying she can be helped before it’s too late.’ The beauty therapist – who says her two other children Leo, five, and Ava, three, both eat healthily – has even tried depriving Stacey of food in a bid to get her to eat something other than nuggets.
Wife allergic to husbands Sperm
Julie Boyde, 26, discovered the problem when she and husband Mike, 27, had unprotected sexual intercourse for the first time on their wedding night. The couple had been dating for two years when they got married, but had always used protection. As soon as they had unprotected intercourse for the first time she knew something was wrong.
hers suggested she might be allergic to her husband’s semen. She was eventually diagnoses with Seminal Plasma Hypersensitivity, which can cause itching and burning.
Dr Andrew Goldstein, from the University of Cincinnati Medical Center said: “The body recognizes semen as a foreign protein just as it would recognize a peanut allergen or pollen.” “So you have “Before we were always very care- swelling, you have itching, you have inflammation of the nerve ful and, you know, used protecendings.” tion, and that time we didn’t”, Mrs Boyde told ABC News. “So, we figured we were married now, His colleague Jonathan Bernstein developed a desenso if we got pregnant, we got sitization treatment similar to pregnant.” receiving an allergy shot. After determining the proteins in Mr Mrs Boyde, from Ambridge, Pennsylvania, added: “The pain Boyde’s semen that triggered that I was feeling was inside, kind his wife’s reaction, he created a serum to counteract the probof like, somebody was sticking needles up inside of me and like lem. Although the treatment works for some couples, it did a burning, like really painful not for the Boydes. They have burning.” now started adoption proceedDoctors were unable to explain ings. why she experienced pain after intercourse, until a friend of
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Funny as a fart in an elevator jokes
So after giving you the work ethic last week it’s time to delve into something else. 90% of anyone can never seem to remember a good joke to tell while having a pint in the pub with their mates. So we’ll give you a few this month to help ya out, who knows...you may just remember next time. I worry about my gran. If she’s alone and falls, does she make a noise? I’m joking, she’s dead. When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton. I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes. My favourite road sign is ‘Falling Rocks’. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying “Random accidents ahead”, “Life’s a lottery, Be lucky.” I’m not being condescending, I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand. I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read “Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water”. And I couldn’t help thinking, she should move.
I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mum that really hurt. And this is the last one on this soap box “Did you know you’re ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York city? That’s because you don’t live in new york city” British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me “oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys”. Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be YOUR fault?
There’s been a lot of talk about genetic engineering I was wondering, is it wrong to breed piglets specifically for the purposes of weaning pedophiles off babies, only I’m thinking of starting a company called “They’ll squeal, but not to I’d rather see a pregnant woman standing on the the cops”. bus than a fat girl sitting down crying. Boxers don’t have sex before a fight, do you I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 know why that is? They don’t fancy each other. people said they really rather liked it. I’d like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I’m wrong, this frightening fact: I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in but that’s a pizza. the West spend on food in one week, you could
20 feed the Third World for one year. I’m not sure about you people, but I think we’re being overcharged on groceries. My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” - ‘til the accident. No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea. See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol (TM). My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called ‘Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking’. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian... My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said “Alright, fatty.” My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say ‘chat’, it was her talking at me for six hours. I didn’t realise that when men say they’re ‘spoken for’ that’s actually what they mean. She said “Tommy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that’s a dead end.” So I replied, “That’s not a crossroads, that’s a T-Junction”. My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch. If “Con” is the opposite of “Pro”, then congress is the opposite of progress. I used to like my neighbors until they put a password on their wi-fi. How do you seduce a fat woman? Piece of cake Make crime pay...become a lawyer.
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F...king what ????????
Homeless cannibals sell corpse to kebab house “After carrying out the crime, the corpse was divided up: part was eaten and part was also sold to a kiosk selling kebabs and pies.� MOSCOW (Reuters) - Russian police have arrested three homeless people suspected of eating a 25-year-old man they had butchered and selling other
sold to a kiosk selling kebabs and pies,” the ProsecutorGeneral’s main investigative unit for the Perm region said in Suspicions were raised when dismembered parts of a human a statement issued Friday. It was not immediately clear from the body were found near a bus stop in the outskirts of the Rus- statement if any of the corpse sian city of Perm, 1,150 km (720 had been sold to customers. Hungry? miles) east of Moscow. bits of the corpse to a local kebab house.
Three homeless men with previous criminal records have been arrested on suspicion of setting upon a foe with knives and a hammer before chopping up his corpse to eat, local investigators say.
Man Has Surgery for 134-Pound Scrotum
For five painful years, Wesley Warren Jr. watched his scrotum slowly swell into a 134-pound mass that hung to his ankles. It all started with a bad dream. “After carrying out the crime, “I quickly sat up on the side of the corpse was divided up: part the bed after bursting out of was eaten and part was also an incredible nightmare,” said
Warren, 48, recalling the midsleep maneuver that “slammed” his right testicle. “I felt the most enormous amount of pain that one could possible imagine.” The pain quickly subsided, though, as if “a big rig was rolling off” his scrotum, Warren said. “I felt like I’d dodged a bullet.” But the nightmare had just begun. By the following day, the sack had stretched to the size of a soccer ball. “I went to the ER and they treated it as though I had some kind of infection,” Warren said, recalling a course of antibiotics that had no effect on the bulging mass. “I went to other
25 doctors, and no one was able to figure out anything to for me. They’d refer me to another doctor or surgeon, but because I don’t have insurance or the financial means to pay for these folks on demand, the appointment would be six weeks away or three months away.”
one people can remember,” he said, noting that “The Howard Stern Show” was his platform of choice because of its predominantly male audience. “I had a disability that was only getting worse, not getting better.”
Warren, who was later photographed wearing a hoodie Without a diagnosis or any as pants to accommodate the hope of a cure, Warren, who growing mass and stopped lives off of disability benefits in “every few steps” to rest his Las Vegas, turned to radio host scrotum on a milk crate, also Howard Stern for help, soliciting caught the attention of a donations to the email address California surgeon specializing benefitballsack@yahoo.com. in scrotal lymphedema, an accumulation of lymphatic fluid “It may not sound like the class- inside the scrotum. iest of email addresses, but it’s
“It’s very disabling condition because the patient can’t work, and if they can’t work they often don’t have insurance or the money to pay for care,” said Dr. Joel Gelman, director of the University of California, Irvine’s Center for Reconstructive Urology, who ultimately diagnosed and treated Warren for the condition. “He said he didn’t have any money to pay for anything, so we did it for free.” Warren used money from “The Howard Stern Show” listeners to travel from Las Vegas to Irvine, Calif., where on April 8 Gelman removed the 134-pound mass in a 13-hour surgery. “Some
of the veins in the mass were a quarter-inch in diameter,” Gelman said, recalling the lengthy and risky procedure to remove the mass in one giant piece. “With the fluid and other tissues, I would say the total weight he was carrying around probably exceeded 160 pounds.” Warren, who is still recovering at a nursing home in Orange, Calif., said he can finally wear normal underwear and pants, but he’s not yet used to the dramatic change. “My body is acclimating,” he said, recalling the extraordinary effort it once took to keep his oversized scrotum from pain-
fully swinging between his legs. “I’m still not able to get around much and enjoy driving or going to dinner. ... But I intend to make up for it and treat myself to a truly fabulous meal and enjoy relaxing for at least a few days.” Warren said it doesn’t feel like he’s 160 pounds lighter, noting
that he weighed about 500 pounds before the surgery. “I couldn’t put my legs together to get on a regular scale, so I went to a newspaper and scrap metal recycling yard to use their scale,” he said. “I never truly felt that was about the weight. I felt like I was walking to accommodate the awkwardness of it.”
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Fride rice Flipped, Fried & Fantastic
Husband ‘raped to death’ by five wives because he was paying too much attention to the sixth. A wealthy businessman - and husband of six - has died after allegedly being forced into a marathon sex session with his ‘jealous’ wives. Nigerian Uroko Onoja was having sex with the youngest of his spouses when the remaining five are reported to have set upon him with knives and sticks - and demanded that he have sex with each of them too. Mr Onoja went on to have intercourse with four of his wives in succession, but ‘stopped breathing’ as the fifth was making her way to the bed in Ogbadibo.
Mr Onoja reportedly stopped breathing and Two women have been arrested following the incident in the state of Benue last week, said the could not be resuscitated after having sex with four of his wives in a row. report, which used the term ‘raped to death’ to describe the businessman’s fate. His youngest spouse is quoted as saying her five fellow wives ran into the forest when they Mr Onoja is understood to have returned from realised their husband was dead. a bar in the small community of Ugbugbu, Ogbadibo, at around 3am on Tuesday, and headed The head of his village, Okpe Odoh, told the for the bedroom of his youngest wife. His five other wives - who were said to have held Daily Post the matter had been reported to a meeting to discuss their intentions before their police. husband arrived home - are then alleged to have burst into the bedroom armed with knives and Could you pick this man from a sticks to insist that they too be granted their line-up? conjugal rights. Police arresting a man for allegedly soliciting The businessman, who has been described as prostitution in Miami earlier this month ran into a philanthropist who ‘contributed positively’ to a bit of difficulty when they got him back to the the growth of his local community, is thought to station. have resisted the demands of his wives’ before It was not a matter of him resisting arrest or bebeing overpowered. ing uncooperative. Nor did it have anything to
do with his identification - he provided his name and other personal details, and submitted to fingerprinting and a mugshot. The trouble started when they got to the part in the paperwork that requires them to note ‘unique physical features’. The suspect had an unique physical feature alright... no forehead! The mugshots, especially the one of the suspect in profile, shows why the arresting officers were left scratching their normal heads for a proper description. After an unspecified period of time, the police clearly gave up, as the charge sheet merely states ‘half a head’ - hardly the medical term for it.
But a spokeswoman from the Miami-Dade County Pre-Trial Detention Center said she saw the suspect while he was being processed. She rather casually added: ‘I just looked at him. I see a lot of stuff. It didn’t really bother me.’ The man’s picture was no longer on the MiamiDade County website because he had been released. The spokeswoman said she did not know his name - and he is variously identified as 25-year-old Carlos Rodriguez, 25, or Carlos Sosa. Of course, with an identifying feature such as ‘half a head’, who needs a name?
Woman had a LIVE grenade lodged in her face
In Mexico, they call her the ‘Miracle Woman’ - and The release of the highly individual mugshot on- it’s easy to see why. line caused a flurry of conjecture over whether Put simply, what happened to Karla Flores is the photos were faked. incredible by any standards.
It all started one day when the mother-of-three, from Culiacán, in the state of Sinaloa, was selling seafood on the street. Apparently, the grenade was fired with a grenade launcher - the noise that Karla heard - but it didn’t explode when it hit her face. It just got embedded. Immediately the hospital was put on alert because the deadly explosive could go off at any moment and kill everyone within 32ft. Barely able to breathe, Karla was isolated and the hospital’s patients and staff evacuated. But the clock was ticking and something still had to be done with Karla. Most of the doctors didn’t want to operate her. Finally, the hospital head, Dr Gaxiola Meza, asked for volunteers.
Four brave people came forward: Two anesthesiologists, Felipe Ortiz y Cristina Soto, the nurse Rodrigo Arredondo and Dr Lidia Soto. Along with two explosive experts from the Mexican army, they took Karla to an open field to operate her. They took all the surgical equipment with them, including light sources. That way, in case they made a mistake, nobody else would die. Karla, under only local anesthesia, was given a tracheotomy so she could breathe and four hours later, around midnight, it was done. The device was extracted from her head by a doctor wearing no armour and guided by military experts.
The patient lost half of her teeth, her face is deformed by the giant scar and, according to the doctors, she has at least three years of operations ahead. But she is alive.
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Feels like home a touch of home
Missing home? As this chapter of the magazine is still somewhat new, allow me to share. This chapter is a reminder for some of us why we left, others glad they did and maybe a few homesick. We’re going to let you in on some funny facts about your own land and just maybe the grass turns out to be a little greener on this side of the fence. I was considering writing about my home country of NZ, but there is only 4 maybe 5 kiwi’s here and the other 13 are busy with the flock, so on that note... let’s have a catch up with our fellow Frenchmen across the way.
1. There is a Victor Hugo street in every town in France. 2. It’s illegal to name a pig Napoleon in France. 3. Charles VIII had six toes on one foot and hid this fact by wearing and promoting square toe shoes. 4.The guillotine was the official method of execution during the French Revolution. It was invented by a surgeon named Dr. Guillotin. 5. France produces over 400 types of cheese! 6. French is the official language of many countries including: Switzerland, Canada, Ivory Coast, Luxembourg, Monaco, Congo and Niger. 7.The word “salut” means both “hello” and “goodbye”
36 8. French was the official language of England for over 300 years. 9. It’s the mother tongue of 75 million people worldwide. 10. It’s the second most commonly taught foreign language, after English. 11. It’s the official language of the United Nations. 12. It’s the only language (along with English) that’s taught in every country in the world. 13. Crayola is a French word that means “oily chalk” 14. At the time of the French Revolution, 75% of French citizens didn’t speak French as a mother tongue. 15. Non-French celebrities who speak French include: Jodie Foster, Johnny Depp, Diane Kruger, Elton John, Ewan Mcgregor, Halle Berry, Jackie O, Madonna, Mick Jagger, and John Travolta. 16. 34% of the French can speak English. 17. Between 6-11 million Americans speak French. 18. Mont-Blanc is the highest peak in Europe 19. The heir to the French throne was called Le Dauphin, which also means “dolphin.” 20. The French eat snails, frog’s legs and horse meat.
21. In 1386, a pig was hung in France for the murder of a child. 22. The number of times the French kiss each other as a form of greeting varies depending on region. In Corsica, the number of kisses can be as many as 5! (If you have a hot first date, you now know where to go) 23. According to a 2003 survey, the French have the most sex in a year (unsurprisingly!) 24. It’s illegal to kiss on railways in France (oops). 25. “French kiss” is a term by the English as a slur on the French culture which was thought to be overly concerned with sex. 26. In France, it’s called a tongue kiss or soul kiss. 27. French men have the lowest level of obesity in the EU, and women are second after Denmark. 28. The French have one of the highest life expectancies in the EU (I think there’s a strong correlation of this fact to #23) 29. First Lady Carla Bruni has been known to have a string of relationships with famous men including Eric Clapton, Mick Jagger and Donald Trump. 30. Coco Chanel’s real name was Gabrielle Bonheur.
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Films
as fresh as they get! On the off chance you found a ball with a chain attached to it or maybe (as the yanks would say) found yourself going steady with a local here, the chances of you being forced to watch the “Notebook” are has high as Bob Marley was when... well always! So let me show you a few other options that are hitting the shelves this month.
Captain Phillips Captain Phillips is a multi-layered examination of the 2009 hijacking of the U.S. container ship Maersk Alabama by a crew of Somali pirates. It is - through director Paul Greengrass’s distinctive lens - simultaneously a pulse-pounding thriller, and a complex portrait of the myriad effects of globalization. The film focuses on the relationship between the Alabama’s commanding officer, Captain Richard Phillips (two time Academy Award®-winner Tom Hanks), and the Somali pirate captain, Muse (Barkhad Abdi), who takes him hostage. Phillips and Muse are set on an unstoppable collision course when Muse and his crew
target Phillips’ unarmed ship; in the ensuing stand off, 145 miles off the Somali coast, both men will find themselves at the mercy of forces beyond their control.
The Butler Cecil Gaines was a share cropper’s son who grew up in the 1920s as a domestic servant for
the white family who casually destroyed his. Eventually striking out on his own, Cecil becomes a valet of such efficiency and discreteness in the 1950s that he becomes a butler in the White House itself. There, Cecil would serve numerous US Presidents over the decades as a passive witness of history with the American Civil Movement gaining momentum even as his family has troubles of its own.
his decisions until he doesn’t. Meet his best friend Shane who left him for dead, slept with his wife and tried to kill him twice... you know, typical best friend stuff. Daryl, the sexiest red neck in Georgia. Glen, who used the apocalypse to date way out of his league. Andrea, the last person you want to be stuck in an apocalypse with, all these other From the network that brought people who are just kind of there and Lori, the most hated you Breaking Bad – A show character on a show full of flesh you couldn’t stop watching, comes a show so inconsistent, eating monsters. Watch as she pawns off her kid, crashes her you keep talking yourself into car on an empty road and even watching. Enter the aftermath of a zombie apocalypse, where in death is haunting the show no-one says the word “Zombie”! with her annoying presence. Ah..she’s the worst. Together Walkers, lame brains, corpses, they’ll travel with a supportdead, biters, walker, mob. ing cast of character like T-dog, Where humanity goes back then Earl. Andrea, Dale, zombie to riding horses, fighting with Shane, Sofia, Amy, Milton, those crossbows and driving a fully prison dudes, anyone? Man loaded Hyundai 2012 Tucson.. the actors on Game of Thrones Damn ...They keep that thing clean. Saddle up with the group have better job security. But the undead aren’t the only thing featuring Rick who stands by As his wife, Gloria, struggles with her addictions and his defiant eldest son, Louis, strives for a just world, Cecil must decide whether he should take action in his own way. And if none of them work for you then allow me to give you the real low down on the ever popular “The Walking Dead”.
after the group. They also have to keep an eye out for the Governor, the nicest mass-murderer since lots-o-huggin bear from Toy Story. Watch as he ruthlessly guns down innocent people, including his own constituents, because he’s crazy? Yeah...he’s definitely crazy! Fans of the comic have been waiting years to see their favourite characters come to life on the small screen and after three seasons, their still waiting. Instead, witness a season about the group’s desperate search for answers, an uneven season about a fight for survival...and season two. Starring – filthy clothing, infinite ammo, basic cable nudity, improbable head-shots, group debate, Dale’s face, ugly cry face, ricks hat, gun safety, bite checks, zombie extras drinking water, stuff, things, silent hand gestures and Shane rubbing his head. The Walking Dead.
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Feeling rough health and beauty Health tips for the not so faint hearted: - A dump a day keeps the doctor away - If you can’t afford a doctor, go to the airport – you’ll get a free X-ray and a breast exam and if you mention Al Queda you’ll get a free colonoscopy too. - Change your name - People with “positive” initials—ones that spell out things like J.O.Y. or W.O.W.—live nearly 4 1/2 years longer than people with neutral initials. D.U.D.’s and A.S.S.’s live nearly 3 years less. Other initials that may shorten life: I.L.L. and D.E.D.
a long drive? Pretend someone bacteria sprays up. You can catch intestinal bugs and hepa- poured a cold drink down your back—notice how your shoultitis from it. ders pull back and your spine curves? That’s the position your - Accuse other of stealing your keys - Research back should be in when you’re suggests there’s a marked rolling down the highway.
difference between how younger and older people interpret misplacing their car keys. A young guy usually blames it on someone else: “Who took my damn keys?” An old man typically blames it on himself: “I must be getting old. I misplaced my keys again.” Never use your age as an excuse for anything like this—and see if you don’t remain younger longer. It’s an effective mental trick.
- Disinfect with Honey - Pour a dab of honey on a cut before covering it with a bandage. Believe it or not, honey has powerful antibacterial properties. A recent study found that it was capable of destroying almost all strains of the most common wound-infecting bacteria.
- Call Dr Pepper - Next time you nick yourself in the kitchen, reach for the black pepper. Run cold water over the wound to clean it, using soap if you were - Use the first stall - After analysing 51 public rest-rooms, - Break a high fever - Anything handling meat. Then sprinkle on the pepper and apply presup to 38°C is mild and can be experts found that the stall sure. In no time, the bleeding treated by drinking plenty closest to the rest-room door will stop. Turns out, black pepconsistently had the lowest bac- of fluids. But to quickly bring teria levels (and the most toilet down a reading above that, put per has analgesic, antibacterial, paper!). The first stall probably an ice pack under your arm or and antiseptic properties. Pepper doesn’t sting, either—but sees less traffic because it’s near near your groin. Icing either the door and people want pri- spot will cool your body’s core. don’t tell that to your audience. vacy. And when you’re finished, It’s uncomfortable, but it works - Shave your ‘Stache’ more and fast. Then see a doctor. stand before you flush. When sniff less - If you’re prone to toilets are flushed, a fine mist of water containing contagious - Straighten your drive - Taking allergies and have a mustache,
43 notice how satisfying it is to flush a toilet, especially if it’s one of those airport monsters? Think of this next tip as a stress laxative—a bit strange, but guaranteed to be gentle and effective: Before you go to bed, put some small strips of flush- Pet away High blood pressure - To lower your risk of heart able paper and a pencil in the bathroom. The following mornattack and stroke, get a dog. ing, take a seat and write down Numerous studies show that petting a dog keeps blood pres- the names of all the people or sure under control when you’re situations in your life that are causing you angst. Then throw stressed. them in the bowl and flush. You’ll be amazed at how great - Flush away trouble - Ever wash it twice a day with liquid soap. One study found that patients who did this used fewer antihistamines and decongestants. Reason: Cleaning got rid of stuck pollen grains.
this feels and works. - Keep the willies at bay - If you get claustrophobic in small spaces such as subways, elevators, and that closet of an office they stuck you in, visit your local fruit stand. A sniff of green apple may help relieve claustrophobic sensations. Carry one with you. Also, if you’re selling your house, placing a basket of fresh green apples on the table may make potential buyers perceive the house as larger.
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Floats, Flies or rent itF&%#s... Is it hard to believe that a Romanian company has a long, fine history of creating moderately useful motoring-based solutions to the world’s problems??? Naturally, but there is one local company that has stepped up to the plate to make that change. Fuel station riots? Mass flooding? Heavy snow? No problem. Here’s something, that’s just as ambitious as your average foreign man with the local birds. It’s called the Ghe-O Motors ‘Rescue’, and it’s a little slice of all-terrain excellence. It’s a custom-built rescue truck suitable for transportation, medical support and fire extinguishing capabilities across all terrains and any weather nature can throw at it. Up to 11 people can sit on board the 3.2-tonne monster, and you can specify many different accessories to suit your superhero needs. And here’s where it gets a little bit fantastic. You can fit water pumps for fire fighters, pneumatic pillows filled by a 620-litre water tank to float over water or snow, tracks over the rear wheels, a foldable top cargo section, a medical stretcher with side-
door access, a plough system, and even GPS. Yep... GPS! No word on the drive train, but we are told the “heavy duty transmission” gets lockable axles and is powered by petrol engines with outputs ranging from 340bhp to 500bhp, or diesel units producing between 218bhp and 304bhp. Should you be a member of a military outfit, you can add electromagnetic and water protection too. Now in case you’re not sure
who these guys really are – have a look at what they have been making for the last ..well ages... PREDATOR 380BHP Predator is meant to be agyle, stable, with advanced visibility, 50%-50% weight distibution, and a proper balanced power to weight to give a significant advantage in race environment. Designed close to the pilots requirements with weight and safety in mind, Predator can achieve even the most demanding tasks. The frame is build from special alloy steel used usually in concordance with FIA requirements for track prototypes, finally the weight of the frame is about 140kg, this shows how radical is the knowhow and efforts hidden behind evocative aluminium panels who cover
49 the Predator. The details make all the difference “in terrain”, the performance and the balance pilots have in mind can be achieved through specific detail: swing fenders for a lower visibility near wheels, butterfly wipers (optional wipers on door glass too), quick “remove and replace” windshield, mechanical winch(optional), rear steering, 3 gear-transfer case, lockable heavy duty axles.The engine is fitted to the Predator equilibrium and can offer up to 380 bhp, more than enough to spin all four 44” buggers with no effort. The Predator prototype can race in offroad extreme class and can offer agility, great
stability, extraordinary claiming, mud and extreme rough terrain capability, performances impossible to achieve just “tuning” a simple offroad commercial car. Warrior is meant for rough power, with a LS3 engine and Mast Motorsport ECU, the Warrior will unleash his 500 bhp through its heavy duty lockable axles. The 44” wheels with beadlock aluminium rims will hover over any terrain and will give a good use to all that power. The warrior is used for offroad – extreme class competition or simply for extreme off road exploration with all
adrenaline involved. For at least 50m the acceleration can match any advanced sports car but a performance handling require a proper technique because of the rear steering, special transfer case and suspension which have special offroad setups. Like all Ghe-O Motors prototypes Warriors have a cage designed with safety in mind, five points safety belts who can save the pilot from any tumbling. There are many options that can be tailored to pilot requirements even if the Warrior passes the test of time and builds its own ecosystem, for more details please contact us.