Chewing Chiggers Chiggers and Things That Go Bump in the Woods

By Jon Kile

If you’re reading this, you’re probably in Florida and already understand that there are people who don’t attract mosquitoes and those who could get bit by a mosquito while walking on the moon. Mosquitoes have never really bothered me; their bites don’t leave a mark and they don’t itch. Our teenage son is equally blessed, likely a product of superior hygiene. My wife and daughter, on the other hand, are composed of whatever combination of blood types, pheromones, body lotions and just plain prettiness that mosquitoes love.

My wife doesn’t even bother with things like citronella, bug zappers, or those little bracelets because she says, “If there’s just one mosquito left, it’ll still find me.” Save your homemade natural homeopathic remedies, Gulfport. The only thing she trusts is DEET. Skin So Soft? Beat it, Avon Lady.

On a recent camping trip, my wife went so far as to have me spray her head with Deep Woods Off before going on a hike. I usually put a “spritz” on my ankles, like a sort of cologne, but on this particular day, I was wearing hiking boots and socks. I was well covered. So I thought.

I didn’t consider other pests.

A few years back, we took a nice hike through the remnants of a Civilian Conservation Corp camp in the Smokies in which I was the only one in the family who didn’t end up with chigger bites. I was not, however, spared the endless complaining from the rest of the crew, who decided CCC stood for Chiggers Chew- ing Crotches. Summer 2023, karma struck back in Warm Springs, Georgia, where we hiked Franklin D. Roosevelt’s property, where he hoped the minerals would have healing properties. I now believe that FDR’s inability to walk was caused, not by polio, but because he was undoubtedly ravaged by chiggers. (“The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself, and chiggers.”)

What, Exactly, Is a Chigger?

For the uninitiated, chiggers are microscopic red bugs that emerged from the valleys and hollers of Appalachia that were flooded by the TVA. They’re still angry about The New Deal. And they don’t just bite. They crawl into the dark regions under your socks and other clothing until they find a place to settle in for a snack; ankles, armpits, unmentionable places. The victim feels nothing until a couple of days later when the skin turns angry and itchy. Did I say itchy? I wanted to cut my legs off at the shins. Chiggers had burrowed into my socks and had a feast where I’m not sure DEET would have helped. Within two days my ankles looked like something horrible you only see when you Google “smallpox.”

The rest of my family had chigger bites too, but they seemed practically unbothered. I’m normally stoic to life’s discomforts. Not this time. I fantasized about all the bristly brushes and sandpapery things I could scour my skin with. In my quest for relief, I found (but did not order) “Chiggerex,” a remedy endorsed by the illustrious Coyote Peterson, a nutty YouTuber who is famous for intentionally letting deadly insects bite him. If only FDR could have benefitted from this important scientific breakthrough instead of that silly Manhattan Project.

Time is the best healer. I can only write about this now, because the wounds have faded, the itch is gone, and I maintained sanity. FDR spent his final days at Warm Springs, suffering a stroke at his desk and dying a few hours later, finally free from the anguish of chigger bites.

Geck-nical Difficulties Gecko Queen Voting Changes

By Elana Boses

Gulfport gets excited to crown a Gecko Queen every year. This year, the “inauguration” happens at the Gecko Ball Aug. 26 at the Gulfport Casino. On the tradition’s 10th anniversary, the Gulfport Merchants Chamber changed its process for Gecko Queen voting. This year, instead of a committee choosing Gecko Queen, the GMC announced it would allow the public to vote.

Melissa Helmbold, the GMC president, invited the community to start voting on July 22 at visitgulfportflorida.com. The voting webpage went live at 10 a.m.; by noon, the GMC removed the page. The following message replaced it: “Due to the poll software malfunction, we will be removing the digital poll from the website and launching an in person polling place the week of July 24, 2023. We thank you for your excitement and support of this iconic event.”

“We were inundated with votes coming in; the website kept crashing. Votes were coming in from all over the world so fast,” Kelly Wright,

GMC chairperson (a volunteer leadership position), explained.

After attempting to alleviate the technical problems, the GMC board remained concerned that people not connected to Gulfport would vote.

Gecko Queen: Voting Local

“We made the decision to keep the voting local,” Wright said.

“We broke the internet!” Sarah Laracuente, the chamber’s vice chair whose company, Sail Marketing, gets paid to handle the marketing for the GMC, told The Gabber Newspaper

By Monday (July 24), the team had four ballot boxes and ballots in the works. They told The Gabber Newspaper they would place the boxes in various Gulfport locations. According to Laracuente, each ballot cast must include the voter’s name and email address; the GMC will only allow one vote per email address.

People can vote for Gecko Queen in person between now and Aug. 14 at Gulfport Beach Bazaar (3115 Beach Blvd. S.), Stella’s Sundries (2908A, Beach Blvd. S.), Studio 49 (2309 49th. St. S.), and The North End Taphouse (2908 1/2 Beach Blvd. S.). Per the GMC website, online votes will count.

Car in Bay Linked to Crime Driver Charged With Attempted Murder

By Mike Sunnucks

A St. Petersburg man drove a car into Boca Ciega Bay in Gulfport July 24 after allegedly assaulting his pregnant girlfriend with a tire iron and trying to run her over with his car.

Antron Laquay Smith, 40, “hit his domestic partner, a 25-year-old pregnant woman, with a tire iron several times” in the parking lot of the Palm Aire Motel on U.S. 19 (34th Street North) near 32nd Avenue North at approximately 12:38 a.m. July 24, St. Petersburg police wrote in a statement.

“She broke away and ran across the street. He jumped in their car, a blue Toyota Scion, and drove in the victim’s direction. She got out of the way, but he hit a parked pickup truck and fled the scene,” the statement continued.

SPPD dispatched officers to a home near 12th Avenue South and 42nd Street South in the Childs

Smith

Park area, where Smith threatened to harm or kill himself with a knife.

“Officers negotiated with him and were able to take him into custody,” SPPD said.

St. Pete police said Smith faces attempted first-degree murder, assault with a deadly weapon as well as a motor vehicle, leaving the scene of a crash, and other charges.

Car in Boca Ciega Bay

Police said he also drove and abandoned the 2016 Scion into Boca Ciega Bay in Gulfport.

Gulfport police officers arrived at the Gulfport Beach area near Shore Boulevard and 57th Street South. There they found a car well into the waters of Boca Ciega Bay.

Woodman said the car was approximately 40 feet into the water off the beach.

“During the course of the investigation, it was determined that this vehicle was involved in investigations that the St. Petersburg Police Department were working,” Gulfport Police Department Sergeant Thomas Woodman told The Gabber Newspaper .

“Gulfport’s involvement in this case was the removal of the vehicle from the water/beach front,” Woodman said.