Volume 45, April Fool's Edition

Stay Home Page Always

Stay Home Page Flatten the Cur ve

Stay Home Page Please

Stay Home Page Social Distancing

EXCL USI VE: Stay Home Page Ser iously

Follow us on I nstagram and Twitter @SJPHawkeye or read our issues online at issuu.com/thehawkeye6

The Student Newspaper of St. Joseph's Prep

Vol. 45, I ssue VI I

1733 West Gir ar d Ave. Philadelphia, PA, 19130

Apr il 1, 2020

L etter from the Editor s: M edia Talking about COVI D-19 Too M uch

I M POSSI BL E HEI ST: M I L L ER L I SA GONE

Coronavir us Relief Funds Redirected to Completed Renovations

By The Editor s

By Gar rett M cCloskey ?21

Everywhere we look, we see another coronavirus headline.

It's just too much. We can't read our local newspaper without being inundated with COVID-19 news.

After 47 years of planning and one month of construction, 17th and Girard finally has a new look. Studded with large glass windows and needless features, the new appearance was granted the seal of approval from Xzibit, the host of MTV?s ?Pimp My Ride.?

There are so many other things the media should be talking about.

(Photo: St. Joseph's Prep | Facebook)

We are in a period time that some consider the "sports equinox." I have seen no coverage of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament. It is the arguably the biggest college sports event of the year.

It's March Madness!

Also, coverage of MLB Opening Day has been mute.

Now, we get it. Baseball can be boring at times, but it's Opening Day! The NHL and NBA are about to reach the playoffs, and I have not seen a single score of any game.

Patients who were slated to receive the funds were vehemently disappointed. ?Darn,? said one patient who faced mountains of debt due to COVID-19 treatments.

Students generally embraced the renovations.

The new renovations completely redesigned the 18th Street entrance, the foyer, the library, and Villiger Hall classrooms.

But it is not only sports that the mainstream, liberal, and corrupt media is showing a cold shoulder. There's a presidential race going on. Bernie Sanders always touts his massive campaign attendance, but I have seen zilch coverage of this.

The overwhelming coverage of this worldwide COVID- 19 thing has been excessive, extravagant, and unneeded. The corruption of the media has never been more obvious.

Most of the funds for the $999 million dollar project were redirected from a grant that would help offset the costs of local COVID-19 cases.

Photoshopped by an unknown great, the Miller Lisa, worth billions of dollars and housed somewhere in Delco, bears a striking resemblance to Prep math teacher Mr. Miller. Disgruntled Pre-Calculus students are suspected of pulling off the heist, with a note being left that read, "If I have to watch one more Edpuzzle on goddamn oblique prisms, I'll destroy it!"

?The new renovations will foster a great community at the Prep,? said rugby player David Fosbenner ?20. Asked if he was concerned about where the funding came from, Fosbenner said, ?The renovations were for the Greater Glory of Looking Cool. There are some things that transcend the coronavirus.?

see NECESSARY p. 2

DEBATE: Where Should Prom be Held?

Google Hangouts

By Reza Ali ?20 First and foremost, it?s important to acknowledge my opponent in this debate. It is my Main Line, Vineyard Vines wearing, and third best actor in Cape and Sword classmate? Chris Zack. I think the first thing we should all address is the timeless quote, ?Never trust a man with two first names.? The first example that comes to mind is Saddam

Hussein. While I am not directly equating the two for legal and ethical reasons, it?s important to note how they both fit under the criterion the quote warns us of.

Now, in regards to the actual debate, I only have one main contention. Group FaceTime does not allow you to choose who you look at while Google Hangouts does.

Picture this, your friend is

FaceTime doing a hilarious dance on his bed, but Bob from math class decided it was a good time to play a Mr. Kravetz distance learning video on full volume.

On group FaceTime, Bob?s box would become the largest as he?s the one with the most volume, and you would miss out on your friend?s funny dance.

see CHRI S DUMB p. 16

By Chr is Zack ?20 Firster and foremoster, it is more important to acknowledge my opponent in this debate, that blundering fool, Reza Ali. You must think me something of a lily-livered coward if you expect to throw this binomial blasphemy at me without due penance. Have you ever heard of Mario or Luigi, better known as the Super Mario Brothers? Guess what their last

name is: MARIO! Next time you wish to throw fisticuffs with a man of two first names, remember that dashing duo who saved Princess Peach from her impending doom!

Now, on to less relevant matters. It is clear that Facetime is the better choice for virtual prom. It?s an Apple product. Literally everything is

see MARI O PROM p. 16

2 | Please Stay at Home | Wednesday, April 1, 2020 | The Hawkeye Table of Contents

SEND HEL P WE

WRI TERS FOR HAWK EYE

CHRI S, REZA, GARRETT HOL DI NG HOSTAGE

OH GOD THEYRE COM I NG HEL -

Spor ts: 17 - 20

Student Exper ience Tr ansfor med and Enhanced by Completed Renovations ?I?m just glad that we still have functioning Villiger Hall stalls, accurate clocks, and that weird smell that?s sometimes on the third floor of J- Hall,? remarked Sheetz enthusiast Luke DeAnnuntis ?21. ?We also still have advisory, vast amounts of parking, and a tuition as expensive as a week?s worth of SAGE meals.?

Shane Baffa ?21 was satisfied for another reason. ?At least we no longer have a library that leaks some mystery liquid,? said the junior.

Contingent upon the completion of the renovations, the Prep announced it would eliminate the motto ?Cura Urbi,? meaning ?Care for the City,? from its list of Service goals.

Hank McFarland, who lives on the corner of 16th and Flora, was relieved to hear this news. ?Yeah, I just don?t think

that ?Multi-Million Dollar Project That Looks like a Space Capsule? really screams ?Care for the City,?? said McFarland.

Instead, the Philadelphia resident suggested replicating the urban architecture of the Checkers on Broad and Girard.

McFarland also added, ?I love SAGE food.? ?My favorite part is the new foyer,? said Karen Fieri, the mother of an 8th grader at Haverford Middle School. ?I?m reassured knowing that my son will be attending a high school that has a nice entrance.

Without it, I don?t think I could send my son to the Prep.?

Jim Flannery, the construction site manager for the Prep?s project, insisted the cloud of pollution looming over the site will ?go away at some point.?

The project released emissions equivalent to the entire country of Azerbaijan.

One rogue student, JosĂŠ Madre ?20, saw some of the

(Photo: Minecraft)

NECESSARY from page 1

Architectural sketches reveal the current new look of the Prep's front entrance. By dedicating hundreds of millions of dollars to aesthetic improvements, the Prep was easily able to offset the educational damage caused by divesting funds from clubs, activities, and faculty salaries. A statement from the school said, "These renovations will turn this school around 360°."

renovations as a ?waste of money.? ?Well, the classrooms, library, and theater could use a little facelift,? said Madre, ?but I think the stuff they?re doing

with the outside is pointless. [...] I don?t really think this building is what makes this school ?the Prep.? So long as you keep a dedicated, hardworking core of faculty and

students, we really don?t need much change.?

Gesturing you his heart, Madre said, ?It?s what?s on the inside that counts, right??

Greene, Quinter Bust K ania for Tax Fr aud, Ponzi Scheme

By Aiden Ander son ?22

Dean Greene, a good friend of Bro Kania, asked if he could help with the publication. Of course, Bro gladly accepted.

After over fifty years of deception, Mr. Kania has been found guilty of tax evasion and running an underground Ponzi scheme.

?I asked to see a copy of the book and an original copy of the binder, which Mr. Kania willingly gave to me,? said Mr. Greene. ?Except he gave me the wrong binder.?

(Photo: Philadelphia Museum of Art)

Mr. Kania has taught at the Prep for over fifty years, and is among the school?s most beloved and well known teachers. He is the only faculty member still teaching to have taught at the Prep before the 1966 fire.

Mr. Kania, commonly known as ?Bro? or ?Bro Kania?, has successfully evaded paying for two- thirds of his annual income since 1963. ?I thought that by going by ?Bro? people would be less suspicious of me,? said a remorseful Bro Kania.

All of society has history teacher Ms. Quinter and Dean of Students Mr. Greene to thank for discovering Kania?s tax fraud.

After using the same binder for twenty years to teach students, Bro decided it was time to turn a profit using the binder by turning it into a book. In order to finance the process of finding a publisher, Mr. Kania turned to using a pyramid

Kania and the yacht he bought with dirty money.

scheme.

Pennsylvania law defines pyramid schemes as any scheme, whereby a person pays money or some other financial benefit for the chance or opportunity to receive compensation, regardless of whether he also receives other rights or property.

In doing so, he first recruited his Religious Studies colleagues Mr. Gambone and Mrs. San Chirico.

Kania said, ?I knew that they would never suspect anything, so I asked them each to recruit three more people to help finance the publication.? ?When Bro initially came to me, I was happy to help,? said Mrs. San Chirico. ?Mr. Kania promised that I would receive a hefty dividend of the profit.?

San Chirico then went on to recruit Ms. Quinter, Mr. Groch, and Mrs. Primick.

Ms. Quinter, a former CIA

agent and attorney, knew something was up when Mrs. San Chirico came to her. ?I warned Sheri [San Chirico] to be careful with her money,?

Ms. Quinter said. ?You never know what someone?s true intentions are.?

Quinter then reported the information to Dean Greene, a former FBI agent. The two of them relived their investigative glory days by going undercover to analyze the situation.

When he got back to his office, he opened the binder and saw copies of Bro Kania?s tax returns for the past couple years. At first, Mr. Greene planned to give the binder back immediately, until he noticed that the tax returns were completely forged. ?I called down Ms. Quinter to take a look and confirm. We decided it would be best that we notify the correct authorities,? said Dean Greene.

Quinter said, ?It wasn?t easy for us to do as Bro is a genuine friend of mine. But I couldn?t live with the guilt of failing to report a crime after my years as a CIA agent.?

On Sunday, February 30, Bro Kania was convicted of Tax Evasion and Scheming. He will be granted parole after 2 years in federal prison and 200 hours of community service

The Hawkeye | Wednesday, April 1, 2020 |

Really | 3

Unmasking Par king L ot Hut Puppetmaster in my tracks immediately; my toes were hanging over the edge of a seemingly endless drop. Shining the stolen flashlight ahead of me, I saw that there was a rope, going down to the bottom. So with all of the courage I could muster, I leaped the one foot over the abyss, catching the rope, and sliding down about four stories into a still, dingy cavern.

Junior Daniel Sponseller answered the question you never knew you wanted answered: what goes on the parking lot huts?

By Daniel Sponseller ?21 For those of you who are parking in the faculty or senior lots, or just walking in and out of the front entrance on 18th Street, there is one structure that is impossible to miss: the hallowed parking lot hut. With its windows shuttered shut and its mysteriously placed trash can that somehow always has a trash bag (coincidence, I think not), this petite building seems to behold a plethora of unanswered questions. What is inside of it? Why haven?t we seen anyone ever use it or go inside of it? Why is there always a trash bag there?

Determined to answer all of these questions (but especially the third one), I hid in the theater?s light booth until 10:30 one night, when the building was closed and completely empty. Then, dressed in all

black, so that no cameras would pick me up, I snuck out of the light booth and quickly dashed out the building. As expected the alarm went off as soon as I opened the front door, so, sticking to plan, I darted into one of the bushes along the fence at 18th Street.

After the police showed up and left, I arose from the bush, bleeding and covered with thorns? for it turned out to be a rose bush? and hopped the fence and reached my destination. Luckily, I brought my industrial strength pliers with me, which severed the locks and chains like butter. Within seconds, I was opening the door to the biggest secret of the Prep, literally and figuratively.

Turning on the flashlight that I stole from the SEPTA Police Department at Suburban Station that morning, I had to stop

Given that this is a manmade structure, I shined my contraband flashlight all over the place to find a light switch.

After ten minutes of clueless searching, I finally came upon a switch on the wall. Flipping it, lights came on that seemed to extend for miles. As if my treacherous journey is not horrifying enough, the next sight that I saw was enough to make any dean or football lineman cry. Lined endlessly along the walls on both sides of this space, lay puppets, the types of puppets the ventriloquists use at children?s birthday parties.

At first, I thought, ?Oh well, maybe one of the English teachers had a little bit of an obsession for a little bit; no big deal.? But then, I walked closer to the closest puppet to me, and I almost screamed like I was 10 all over again. Right there, sitting in front of me, was a ventriloquist dummy replica of Connor O?Brien ?23, one of the freshman at the

school. If the look- alike was not sickening enough, on the puppet?s chest read Connor?s very name and class year.

Moving from puppet to puppet, I spotted more and more freshmen who looked familiar to me. Then freshman became sophomores, sophomores became juniors, and juniors became seniors. Soon enough, I had spotted every single student and staff member in this school chiseled into the wood of a ventriloquist dummy.

At this point, I took out my phone, because I wanted to get as many pictures of these as possible. A few snaps in, I hear a bellowing ?No!? echoing down the cavern. ?They found me!? the voice screamed; it was Mr. Whelan! Frantically dashing out from a small tent hitched farther down the cavern, he dashed towards and pressed a glowing red button,

suspiciously marked, ?Do Not Press.? After a few seconds, a booming electronic voice announced, ?One minute until self destruction.? Mr. Whelan was already nowhere to be seen. As horrible as my running skills are, I frantically darted towards the shaft where I first landed, scaled the rope faster than juniors come out of the parking lot at 2:40, leaped out of the small building in the parking lot, and slammed the door behind me. Running down Girard Avenue, I suddenly felt this immense shaking beneath me: the explosion.

The next morning, I walked past the culprit, saying ?Hey, Mr. Whelan, good morning!?

He, completely normally, replied ?Hey, Daniel, how are you doing?? I said, ?I?m pretty tired; I had a lot of work last night.? He said back, ?Aren?t we all??

The Ridge Avenue parking lot hut stands triumphantly in front of the facade of a Pizza Hut (back left).

Diogenes '94 BCE and I ggy Sail the Aegean

On a whirlwind trip across classical antiquity, Iggy, the Prep dog, and cynical philospher Diogenes managed to travel throughout ancient Greece, making stops in Athens, Sparta, Korinth, Argolis, Crete, and Rhodes.

By Chr is Casey ?20 ????? ??? ?? ??????????? ????????? ????? ????????, ? ?????? ?? ????????? ???? ?? ????? ? ??????, ? ?? ??????? ?????????? ???? ??? ? ????????? ?? ?? ????? ? ??? ???? ???????? ? ???? ? ? ????? ????? ????????;? ? ?? ???? ?? ? ?????, ??????????? ?? ?? ????? ?? ? ??? ???????? ?? ??? ?????? ??? ???????? ? ? ????????? ????????? ????. ?? ?? ? ?? ?????

????? ????? ??? ???? ????? ?? ?? ??? ??????, ????? ?? ??? ??????. ?? ?? ? ??????????? ???? ????? ??? ???? ? ?????? ?????????. ????? ?????? ???????? ??????????? ?????????? ?????? ????????? ??? ?????????????? ??? ?????????, ????????? ????? ?? ?????????· ?? ?? ?? ???????? ???????? ?? ? ????? ???? ?????????? ????????, ??? ?? ?? ? ??? ?????????? ?????????????

?? ?? ????, ????? ??? ???? ?? ??????????? ???? ?? ????????? ???????? ????????? ?????, ?????? ?? ?? ?? ? ???? ? ?????? ?????? ??????????. ??????? ?? ? ? ?????? ??????? ?? ? ?? ?? ??????????? ????, ??????? ?????????? ??? ?????????? ??? ????????????? ??? ??????????, ? ????? ?????? ?? ????? ????? ?? ??????? ????? ?????? ???????? ??????. ???? ? ? ? ????? ?? ? ????

? ??????? ???????. ???? ?? ?? ??? ????????? ???? ??????? ??? ???????? ????? ? ????? ? ???????· ?????? ?? ?? ????? ??, ???? ?? ??? ????, ???? ???????????? ???? ? ??? ??? ?? ???????. ?? ??? ?? ? ???? ???????? ?? ???? ??? ??? ?????? ??????? ?????????? ????, ?? ?? ?? ???? ????????? ????? ???? ?????? ?? ?????????? ??? ????. ?????? ??? ?? ? ????????? ? ??????? ? ??????? ????, ?????? ?? ??????? ??????? ???? ????????. ? ??? ?? ???? ???????? ? ??????? ?? ?????? ??????? ??? ???????? ??????, ????? ?? ??? ???????? ??? ? ??????? ????????· ? ??? ????????? ????????? ??? ? ??? ??????? ???????????? ??????? ???????????, ? ?? ??????? ??????? ???????· ? ??? ??? ??? ????????? ??? ?????? ??????? ?????? ???????, ????? ?? ? ??????? ?? ? ???????, ? ????? ?? ????, ? ??????, ? ????? ???? ?, ??????, ???????. ?? ?? ???? ???????? ??? ?????????? ??? ???? ??, ????? ??????? ??? ?? ???????, <?> ??????

????????? ? ???? ????· ???? ?? ? ? ?????????, ????????, ???? ??????? ?? ?????? ? ??? ???????. ?? ????? ??? ??? ????? ????????? ? ??????? ????? ? ??????? ????, ? ???? ???? ??????? ????????? ????? ????? ?????????, ? ??? ? ??? ??? ?????????? ?? ?????????· ? ?? ? ? ?? ??????? ???, ???? ? ?????. ? ? ?? ??? ? ??????? ?? ?? ?? ????? ???????? ????· ?? ??? ?? ? ????, ? ???? ?? ?????? ????· ?? ?? ? ? ???? ? ??????? ???? ???????? ??? ?????? ????????? ?????????? ??? ????, ????? ???? ???? ?? ?????? ????? ? ??????? ??????? ???? ????????. ???????? ?? ??? ?????? ???????? ??? ????????, ?? ? ?????????· ???????? ?? ? ?? ???????? ????? ? ???? ?????????? ? ???????.? ????? ????? ?? ? ????? ?? ??? ???? ?????????, ???? ????? ??? ??????????? ??????? ? ??????????, ????? ????? ? ????? ?????, ?? ?? ???????? ? ???? ?????? ??? ???????? ?????? ???????? ??? ? ???????.

4 | Social | Wednesday, April 1, 2020 | The Hawkeye

The Hawkeye Asked, You Answered!

Co r o n av ir u s Edit io n

By Chr is Casey '20

Did you con ven ien t ly f or get you r Ch r om ebook ch ar ger over COVID-19 br eak ?

Do you h ave r eliable at h om e in t er n et access? (M ar ch 1)

Yes: 16%

No: 1%

Yes: 99%

No: 84%

"It's a real shame.. guess I don't have to do online school now," said Santiago Ortiz-Landazabal '20

Do you h ave r eliable at h om e in t er n et access? (M ar ch 23, af t er digit al classes began ) Yes: 70%

Have you r espect ed st at e an d f eder al social dist an cin g gu idelin es?

No: 30%

Yes: 100% No: 0%

"So close." said Tommy Young '20 "After a week of this stuff, I think I might have to smash my router with a hammer," said Matt Malfara '20

Coronavirus is here, and it?s changing how the Prep works, down to very way in which we try to avoid doing work.

Prep students have a special knack for not doing their work, and when push comes to shove and learning is forced online, our truest colors come out. The finest Hawkeye polling was performed to get a pulse on the student body and to see how these unprecedented times are affecting us.

With about 1 in 6 Prep students without a Chromebook charger, work can?t be done, effectively ending their year.

Asked of his lapse in memory, Santiago Ortiz-Landazabal '20 said he was disappointed his academics had to come to an unmitigated stop, being entirely unable to go forward without a charged Chromebook. He expressed frustration that he was not alerted and "had simply no way of knowing."

Alternatively, Matt Malfara ?20 followed up with the polling to express his newfound hatred for his router at home. With both his parents working remotely, Malfara weighed the consequences and found that obliterating his router first with a hammer then running it over with his car was simply a better alternative than virtual community hour.

Prep students were also suspiciously respectful of guidelines for quarantine, with 100% of students surveyed self reporting adherence to federal and state guidelines for social distancing.

College Boar d to M aintain ?Nonprofit?

Status by L iter ally Bur ning Profits As of January 21, 2020, the College Board labels itself as a ?not- for- profit? organization.

However, upon receiving complaints from millions of parents and students throughout the nation, they came to the realization that there is an obvious problem with their status as a nonprofit: they are still making significant profits. In fact, in 2019 alone, they made a profit of 62 million dollars. ?How can they put themselves in the category of a real nonprofit organization, like the Red Cross Organization,? said Karen Griffin, mother of tenth grader Peter Griffin. ?If the president of the College Board is making almost a million dollars a year??

Likewise, Susan Turner, mother of eleventh grader Timmy Turner, has complained that the College Board is ?robbing? her and her family of funds that they could be using for college with ?countless fees, SAT prep books, and AP classes, and they exaggerate the importance of them to make more money.?

Don?t worry, Karen and Susan. The College Board has recently acknowledged these complaints with a sound solution. Instead of pocketing this 62 million dollars for their executives, they plan to start burning it. ?People seem to be way too caught up about the fact that we call ourselves a nonprofit, so we?ve decided to fix the

Arnold, brashly voiced his opinion about the decision.

(Photo:Ghosty | iruntheinternet.com)

By Justin Sweeney ?21

College Board CEO Robin DaParents reluctantly setting his money on fire.

problem once and for all,? wrote College Board CEO Robin DaParents in a statement. ?We?re just going to burn all our profits. All of them.?

His decision to burn all the

profits was supported by a 25 to 1 vote from his committee. ?If we can?t have them, no one can,? DaParents elaborated.

The one person in the committee that voted against setting their profits on fire, Barry

?Instead of getting rid of our profits altogether, wouldn?t it be smarter to give these profits back to the people, or better yet, to the poor??

He was met with a chorus of sighs as soon as he said this. ?Well no, silly,? DaParents explained, ?Because then it wouldn?t be a nonprofit. The people are still going to buy our books, so if we give the money back to them, then they?re going to be the ones profiting.?

DaParents and his committee have already set over a million dollars on fire, and they plan to burn the rest of the 62 million by the end of 2020.

The Hawkeye | Wednesday, April 1, 2020 |

Distancing | 5

M agier a Fulfills Campaign Promise to Host " Freshman Hunger Games"

By Thomas M agier a '20 Last year, as a Student Council candidate, I ran on the promise of starting what would hopefully turn into a long standing tradition at the Prep: the Freshman Hunger Games. Over the past year I have taken several steps to institute this event, but today we have reached our goal. In five weeks, the first Prep Hunger Games, featuring exclusively freshman competitors, will take place in the

Kelly Fieldhouse. When morning announcements start, these young boys will have thirty minutes to scavenge the school for any tools they may deem necessary. After the allotted time they will be rounded up and placed in the fieldhouse. A series of obstacles and traps will be placed in the fieldhouse. At the beginning of the community, the school will be able to view the games from the mezzanine and indoor track. The lights will subsequently be turned

on in order to enhance viewing and strengthen the chances of encounters between competitors. The winner will be declared Student of the Month and will be awarded 25% off and his next Sage order (as long as purchase is under $1 dollar, not available at all locations). Competitors will be chosen by advisory.

Please sign up for this event on the adaptive scheduler.

Magiera '20 was gracious enough to share with the Hawkeye his artist's rendering of the ideal inaugural edition of the Freshman Hunger Games. "My mom said she was very proud of me for drawing this," Magiera said.

New Pool on 2nd Floor Villiger Hall

By Connor Siemien ?21 With the swimming season having come to an end, a recent announcement has caught some students by surprise: The Prep will be installing a second swimming pool on the second floor of Villiger Hall, incorporating the water from the bathroom flooding, making use of an already common occurrence to presumably save water.

While the exact date of its opening is unclear, and whether the amenity will be widely available to students, it seems to be attracting attention from faculty and students equally. There is much anticipation among students, faculty, and coaches alike for the upcoming construction and its subsequent opening.

In a statement regarding the upcoming project, Prep swim coach and biology teacher, Mr. Koenig said, ?The administration and I have decided that the second floor of Villager Hall would be the perfect location for a new pool. We were assured of this after the flood test in Mr. Callaghan's room was a success. The pool will serve as a second training location for the swim team and a location for water aerobics for the Religion Department.? New designs reveal that the pool will sport a state of the art glass bottom, so the class below can observe the aquatics.

Additionally, the architects and design team spoke on the proposed plan. ?We anticipate that the new pool will be able

to host a number of important community functions,? said Project Manager and Prep alum Jim Splash ?89. ?This includes pool parties for the Board of Trustees and a storage space for Mr. Pinto?s impressive rubber duck collection. Heck, it can even double as a baptismal font for the Jesuits!?

The current pool at the Prep, which lies behind a door in the Multi- Purpose Room, is largely an afterthought to most students save the swim team.

However, all the students who heard this news were looking forward to the prospect of swimming in the pool, given it?s more prominent location in a more convenient area of the school.

Alexander Tigano ?20 struck an optimistic tone on behalf of his senior Prep brothers and said, ?perhaps this [pool] on Villiger 2nd floor will provide an opportunity for the seniors to relax during this last semester in anticipation of summer beach time.? This seems likely, especially with many seniors living through the so- called ?senior slide,? should the pool be publicly available to students.

This sentiment of students possibly swimming in the pool, taking a break from the hectic day- to- day they experience, is shared by other students too.

Daniel Deeney ?22 said, ?Think of how cool it would be to be able to go for a swim during free periods.?

Not only will students and faculty, like those in the Religion Department, use this recreationally, but one student plans to utilize the new facility as a supplement to his already intense workout regimen. ?I can?t wait for the pool, I want to go there every free period, then hit the gym so I can get big,? said Dawson Sakowski ?21, seemingly zealous about the prospective workouts he could partake in.

Sakowski ?21 also said, ?I plan to do many laps, and do my best Michael Phelps impression, hopefully setting record times along the way, but of course also lifting weights at night, every night, on my journey to get swole.?

ATTENTION SENIORS Due to COVID-19, the Class of 2020 Commencement Exercises will be VIRTUAL. Seniors, please make note of the following rules pertaining to commencement: - We will still be employing a strict ?no applause until every name is announced?policy.

- This means the chat room must be completely silent until the final graduate is announced.

- This does NOT mean we will be getting rid of the weird grace period for the first 2-3 families to cheer for their sons. Consider yourselves lucky Ali, Amato, and possibly Andrews.

- Emoji usage must be respectful.

- Please remember to press [F] to pay respects, [X] to walk across the stage, [A] to receive a diploma, and [Z] shake Fr. Swope's hand.

- VR Headset measurements will take place on 4/ 1/ 20 and ONLY on 4/ 1/ 20.

- If you do not report to Mr. Kiesel?s old office on 4/ 1 you will not receive a VR headset.

- Finally, you are only to copy your diploma to your clipboard AFTER your name is released.

FAILURE TO FOLLOW ANY OF THESE POLICIES W ILL RESULT IN VIRTUAL JUG (which is a virtual Prep Dems meeting where Reza Ali ?20 and Aidan McGahey ?20 yell about something)

6 | Help? | Wednesday, April 1, 2020 | The Hawkeye

Obituar ies Lat in (Photo: Tampa Museum of Art)

Wr iting L ab Forced I nto Editing The Hawkeye by Tyr annical Editor s

By Aidan M cGahey '20

(Photo: goodboy.com)

On Sunday, March 15, 2020, while surrounded by the tearful Prep Classics Department, Latin has finally actually died.

The original Writing Lab (seated) editing Hawkeye articles.

By Anthony L oiacono '20 While many students seek the Writing Lab for help on all types of written assignments, rarely has the club had the enormous workload that it does this year. Though there has been a steady incline of students seeking advisors during community period or after school in the past years, this increased workload is due to the Hawkeye staff itself, specifically the editors- inchief.

Reza Ali ?20, Chris Zack '20, and Garrett McCloskey ?21 have visited weekly since be-

coming editors of the school newspaper that you are reading right now, assigning two articles in need of review to each member of the Writing Lab, posing these articles as ?advising practice?.

Garrett, Chris, and Reza may look as if they work hard on putting together each fresh issue for the Prep community, while in reality, the Writing Lab advisors chip away at correcting the stacks of articles assigned to them, each riddled with more mistakes and fallacies than the last.

found playing with Mrs. Hoffman?s VR set while the Writing Lab?s own Liam Johnson ?20 and myself work tirelessly as the true editors- in- chief of The Hawkeye.

Writing Lab tutors can only hope to one day overthrow the cruel, tyrannical system that is The Hawkeye, but for now, the advisors must stick to editing the grammatical slop that Garrett, Chris, and Reza serve them weekly in Room 101.

?To be honest, everyone saw it coming,? said Bobby Woltjen ?22, a current Latin student. ?I mean, they already called it a dead language.?

Growing up in the foothills of Italy, Latin grew to prominence during classical antiquity, becoming the lingua franca of the majority of the Mediterranean World during the reign of the Roman Empire. Latin subsequently had a rough midlife crisis, being relegated solely to the language of the Catholic Church after the dissolution of the Western Roman Empire. The cause of death is unknown, but is believed to have been a lack of native speakers.

Latin is survived by its Romance languages: Spanish, Italian, French, Portuguese, and Romanian.

Beloved by teachers of classics and the clergy, and detested by generations of Prep students, Latin had a special place in the hearts of many. In lieu of flowers, donations to the Veterans of Caesar?s Gallic Wars Foundation are appreciated.

A public funeral was supposed to be held at the Pantheon in Rome, but due to the coronavirus you can just struggle to read the Aeneid at home instead.

The trio can most often be

Histor y Club Attempts to Bur n Down Remainder of Prep for " Reenactment"

By Daniel Sponseller ?21 If you are a student, teacher, or staff member alike here, chances are nearly certain that you are aware of the great fire the brought the Prep to its very foundations about fifty years ago. Given that this event is so important in the Prep?s history, it would only seem fitting that it should be honored and commemorated, especially with such proximity to its fiftieth anniversary. The most appropriate way of remembering this somber event in our school?s history, naturally, would be to reenact the fire itself. What better way could we experience the horror of our school, our beloved St. Joe?s Prep, burning down than actually seeing it unravel before our very eyes?

This is the summarized argument that Mr. Leo Vaccaro ?05, moderator of the Prep?s history club, used before a Philadelphia Police interrogator after being caught mid- act kindling a fire underneath the Gesu and being arrested for arson.

If you see him in school anytime soon, it is because the Prep immediately hired Vaccaro?s identical twin brother, Theo, to take his place, in order to prevent too much publicity about this incident. Don?t bother looking for Theo on the senior portrait board in the English hallway; sources say that Theo went to LaSalle.

You may be wondering where Vaccaro actually was in starting a fire under the Gesu. Well, it turns out that there is a certain wooden

shelters, it is impossible for Villiger Hall to catch on fire even if the rest of North Philadelphia is aflame.

"Big V," as he is known to his anarchist friends, is currently awaiting trial for arson.

beam that spans the entire height of the church, near the old, abandoned organ one the second loft in the back of the church. According to arson experts, this beam is present in any Catholic church that was built before the 20th Century, and when ignited, fire will shoot up the beam, spread across the roof of the church, and engulf the entire

building in ravenous flames from top to bottom within a span of minutes.

Since the Gesu is directly connected to Jesuit Hall, which is made out of mostly brick and wood, this would also ensure complete destruction of that building as well. Unfortunately, since it is modeled after many Soviet- era nuclear fallout

Effective immediately, School Therapy Dog Iggy?s primary function will now be guarding this vital beam from any future arsonists, such as Theo Vacarro wanting to avenge the defeat of his identical twin brother.

As for where Mr. Leo Vaccaro was able to source his plans, sources are suggesting that Mr. Bill Conners ?80, the Prep?s unofficial historian and friend of Vaccaro?s may have supplied him with the information in exchange for Vaccaro taking all of Conners?s AP Gov classes next year, but there is not enough evidence to arrest Conners.

The Hawkeye | Wednesday, April 1, 2020 |

Features

ft. The Hawkeye | 7

Camma, a " Damn" Good Actor

By Joe M ur phy ?22

Kmart cop turned math teacher Mr. Camma is set to star in the spring C&S production of Damn Yankees.

The competition for the casting of Cape & Sword spring production of Damn Yankees was fierce, and nobody really knew who would end up on top. However, one underdog stole the spotlight: Math teacher Mr. Gregory Camma.

At first an unlikely candidate, Camma has been singing and acting for years.

During his employment at Kmart, Camma was seen doing the Macarena in the aisles and singing ?Toxic? by Britney Spears. Although these actions led to his unfortunate dismissal from Kmart, they have certainly contributed to his immense theatrical talent. stud.

The casting of Camma caused quite a commotion throughout the Prep community, as many veteran actors were bewildered by the director?s choice.

?Although I spent a week living in isolation to memorize the lines and Camma walked in on the day of auditions asking what the show was, he ultimately deserved the part much more than me,? said Chris Zack ?20. Zack played Dick Goodwin in All the Answers and has been relegated to Table #2 in Damn Yankees.

Camma relates to the show Damn Yankees very greatly because he himself was once a prominent baseball player. At the age of 38, Camma went undefeated in Delco Little League baseball. He had over 200 home runs and 340 steals in his first season.

However, his career was cut short when he punched an umpire in the face after a bad call.

Camma was devastated and

For his audition, Camma reenacted a scene from the fall production All the Answers.

hit a low point in his life.

When Camma discovered that Damn Yankees was the upcoming show, he saw it as an opportunity to regain the baseball fame taken from him.

As Cape & Sword Director Mr. Braithwaite heard Camma recounting this tragic story after auditions, he knew that Camma wanted and deserved

the role more than anyone else.

Camma absolutely blew everyone away with his hidden talents during his audition. ?Mr. Camma?s dance moves, especially his skill at tap-dancing, and commanding stage presence definitely sealed the deal for me,? said Assistant Cape & Sword Director Kevin Ryan.

Audience members attending Damn Yankees can look forward to Camma?s six tap-dance solos throughout the span of the show. Camma was also entrusted by Mr. Braithwaite to perform an aerial-defying triple backflip at the end of the show.

ASC Profile: Pat M oeller '15 notes, answering questions and stuff, you would have thought he was doing the homework too,? said Michael McCormick ?21, who sees him in math class. ?He?s really an invaluable asset to the Prep community,? said ASC Coordinator Fr. Chuck Federico, S.J. ?The students, especially the juniors, all seem to love him as if he was one of their own. I especially enjoy his practice of sitting with the students at lunch in the cafeteria.?

Despite his popularity with the students and incredible reputation, it is not known where Mr. Moeller attended college. He refused to answer my ?stupid? questions, pulling at his full beard and ranting about how my claims were lunacy.

man.

By Benicio Beatty '21 The Hawkeye had the chance to sit down with Alumni Service Corps (ASC) member Pat Moeller ?15 and ask him about his experience thus far as an administrator. He had a confused look on his face throughout the whole thing, a

few times even insisting that he was a current junior at Prep, whatever that means.

Because of his exemplary service to the Prep, The Mission and Ministry Office had granted Mr. Moeller the unique and unprecedented privilege of staying on as ASC member for

a four year period rather than the typical one school year. As many of you know, ASCs are assigned to assist with the different facets of curricular and co- curricular activities at the Prep. This year, Mr. Binck and Mr. Lawlor worked in the Athletics Department and Mission

and Ministry, respectively. Mr. Moeller however is given the unique job of sitting in on classes and engaging in lessons.

I think this job suits him well, and my peers agree. ?It?s kinda weird that he sits in class with us all the time, taking

Moeller kept repeating, ?I?m a student, I?m a student, I?m a student.? As if stating it would bring him back to his time at Prep in 2015. He sure seems to miss it.

The whole Prep community wants to give you their thanks for the three years of ASC work Mr. Moeller has performed for us. We are certainly looking forward to a fourth!

8 | PA>NJ | Wednesday, April 1, 2020 | The Hawkeye

Jer sey K ids Petition for M ore Space to Par k Tr actor s Everything was going well until people started parking in these reserved spots. A complaint got called into the front desk by an individual whose spot had been taken. It turns out Luke Kelchner ?20 thought he could get away with parking in one of these spots since he has a New Jersey license plate and his pickup truck is roughly the same size of a tractor.

(Photo: John Deere)

Students from New Jersey have allegedly started a secret tractor club, too. It is not yet known who the proctor is, but a circulating suspicion is that the same person who ran the cheese club may have something to do with it. No one knows what goes on in this club or where it is held. The club most likely convenes somewhere on the sec" Students from New ond floor of Jesuit Hall.

The John Deere 45-250 HP: From working livestock to snow removal, for hay producers to municipalities, these chore tractors bring the horsepower and versatility so you can haul, mow, bale and more.

By Andrew Flanagan ?22 New Jersey students have requested more space for tractors in the junior and senior lots!

They have also petitioned for the streets in between the parking lots to be widened, since their vehicles take up both lanes. If these requests are ignored, they have proposed to stop growing their delicious corn.

On the very first day students got back from winter break,

Jerseyans decided they were fed up. They protested by blocking cars in the senior lot with their tractors, the same day Ben Brisken coincidentally forgot to move his car out of the entrance. This wreaked havoc throughout the school and prevented seniors from leaving school before 2:40.

This incident left the transportation committee no choice but to confront an issue regarding transportation.

As tensions were rising,

something needed to be done about fulfilling these requests.

The administration caught wind of this problem and came up with a resolution. They proposed that the individuals seeking extra parking, should have to pay extra for a larger spot. The Jerseyans felt that since they had to park in the same spot everyday (the back of the parking lot), this should also include a bundle of dress down days free of charge, whatever those are.

With the recent outbreak Jer sey have allegedly of the coronThere are star ted a secret avirus, sanitamany mystion has been a tr actor club, too. [...] teries that very big conNew Jersey No one knows what still holds. cern. The tractors have been goes on in this club or Are there smelling very neighborwhere it is held. The hoods, or is bad as of late.

Murphy Bonclub most likely it one big ner ?22 even Why convenes somewhere place? said, ?I am not does somesure what?s on the second floor of one pump worse, walking gas into your Jesuit Hall." past the traccar for you? tors or crew Is there anykids in the thing else to do besides go to morning.? Although many Pancheros and Topgolf? How have been complaining to have are your corn and tomatoes so these tractors removed from good? These questions need the campus immediately beanswering. cause they feel like they are in harm's way, no action has been taken thus far. One rumor has it that the Jerseyans bring in the vegetables for Sage on their tractors.

The Hawkeye | Wednesday, April 1, 2020 |

Feaeaeaeaeatures | 9

K oenig Outed as Not Ginger, Caught Or ange-Handed Patrick Casey ?22 said that the pool had to be closed after orange residue was found on the surface. ?Everyone, even the coaches, jumped in after we found out we had won PCL?s, but after only a few seconds in we saw this orange stuff spreading through the water,? said Casey. When asked if it may have been buffalo sauce or paint, Casey said he could not remember.

By M ur phy Bonner ?22 ?I was so close? said Mr. Koenig ?14, habitually running his hands through his bright ginger hair. Neither of us expected to be sitting in a room surrounded by dried out markers, empty ink cartridges, and empty bottles of buffalo sauce, however that is exactly where my investigation had brought us.

This had all begun in midFebruary, when students had started to complain about the lack of buffalo sauce during their lunch period.

However, it all came together in a biology classroom. I was handing in a lab report to Mr. Koenig in his office, but he was not in there at the time. As I walked over to put down my papers my foot knocked over a nearby trashcan and an orange liquid spilled all over the floor.

I rushed to get a towel, and as I began to clean it up the pieces started to connect.

?I just don?t know where it?s going,? said Joe Casadei ?22. ?I watch [Sage employees] fill it up and by the time lunch starts it's gone.? Staff and students alike could not account for the lack of sauce.

Whoever the buffalo sauce bandit was, they were making off with over one gallon of buffalo sauce a day and had completely depleted Sage?s supply.

scene of the crime.

After only two weeks Sage was unable to refill the sauce dispenser. Many others continued to voice their complaints on the mystery as chicken fingers, wings, and french fries were all served dry and mild.

?I haven?t seen a thing, but it's outrageous.? said Mr. Miller, pointing to his ?dry? and ?sad? lunch. After days of interviewing I still had no leads and was unsure where else to look.

Such outrage found its way to The Hawkeye writing staff, where I was assigned to look into the mystery of the missing condiment. My investigation started with interviews of all who were consistently near the

That was until I found an odd connection between the case of the buffalo sauce and a new mystery in Cape and Sword?s newest production of ?Damn Yankees?.

Scientists have theorized that this is what Koenig will look like after his true hair grows back.

?We couldn't get part of the

set made because our paint is missing, and the flyers for the show cannot be printed because the school printer ran out of colored ink,? said Nile Andah ?21.

Junior Frankie Nieves, who is part stage crew, said all of the orange and red paint was stolen. Even with new information I was still unable to find the connection.

The orange trail I was following continued to get stranger.

Mr. Koenig (the coach of the swim team who sits by the buffalo sauce dispenser at lunch) had to have been the buffalo sauce bandit. However, the question of ?why? was still unanswered.

It did not remain that way for long because the carrottopped culprit appeared behind. He, however, had no idea of my looming accusations. ?During my freshman year, The Prep was putting on ?Peter Pan? as their fall show,? Mr. Koenig explained as he revealed a closet full of orange markers, printer cartridges, paint, and empty buffalo sauce containers. ?I was never really

a theater guy but I really wanted the part and was willing to do anything to get that role.? For Koenig, ?anything? was changing his hair color to ginger, permanently. ?I thought if they saw me as the role I would get it. So I went from jet-black to full ginger. Most people don?t know that I?m not even Irish, I?m Italian.? Sadly, Koenig lost out on the role to Jamison Wellman ?14.

For Koenig however, the damage was already done. ?I had no choice but to keep dying it.? The problem came when the local supply of his hair dye was depleted. The travel and shipping restrictions put in place because of the coronavirus meant he couldn?t get his usual hair dye from overseas.

He went through all of his reserve supplies, but no dye from local stores would get his hair back to the desired ?cinnamon bun soaked in orange juice? color. That is when he was forced to use buffalo sauce, printer ink, and paint to buy himself time. ?I knew my days were numbered, but I didn?t think it would be this quick and that I would cause such a disruption to the school.? Koenig now hopes to show the Prep community his true colors, literally, and plans to pay for all damages that he caused.

L ittle Jer r y Str ikes Again

By L iam Stephens '21 SEPTA is known for the squalid conditions, but underneath the surface is a whole new spectrum. As of late, mutant creatures have been claimed to be lurking in the means of transportation. These creatures have adapted to the notorious disheveled conditions of the SEPTA railways and roads. Recent reported sightings have left the public in trepidation, with usage rates of the public transportation decreasing by half. Such loss of the SEPTA community has invoked action amongst Philadelphia officials, enforcing that the complication has prompted the city to block off all of Market Street, from 2nd to 30th.

The sightings were first cited at the Broad and Girard subway stop, where there was reportedly a ?creature resembling a king-kong Godzilla hybrid roaming beneath the plat-

form, occasionally spewing out small flames.? SEPTA security and the Philadelphia Police were notified but quickly dismissed the issue, arguing the sighting was a hoax. Prep students often depend on the station and could be impaired by one of the many accused mutant species meandering the underground.

Chris Rebar ?21 spoke out on the contamination he was exposed to at the faithful Broad and Girard subway station delineating, ?I caught the bubonic plague from the subway bench,? following a treacherous bowling match.

Since then, Chris has been required to visit the nurse for treatment every other community period.

Catastrophes such as this have begun to outbreak across the city, from the Frankford Transportation Center to Lincoln Financial Field. However, the subway is not the only

Officials claim that all will be fixed once Tom has been found.

source of unknown creature sightings. At the 69th Street transportation center, on a rainy day a few weeks back, a large group of students claimed they witnessed a small school of small- scale sharks swimming in a puddle at the curb.

They then insisted that a squirrel fell from a tree into the

puddle, and was instantaneously devoured by the creatures. A small crowd gathered at the scene but shortly after departed due to the MarketFrankford subway arriving.

Recently, an anonymous source declared that there are over 60 species of mutant

creatures across the SEPTA Philadelphia region. Prep students are at risk of these creatures and should be vigilant of the transportation critters. With that said, it is clearly illustrated that SEPTA is home to multiple species of mutant creatures that lure the underground and stations.

10 | Future | Wednesday, April 1, 2020 | The Hawkeye

M r. Conner s '80 Announces Retirement, Will be Released Back into Wild

Mr. Connors (age 22) battling a boa for his next meal.

By Thomas Hillman ?21 At the end of the 2019-2020 school year, the Prep will be saying goodbye to history teacher, Mr. William Conners ?80, as he is announcing his retirement.

After his twenty- third year with the school, Mr. Conners has decided to return to his birthplace and live out the rest of his life in the wilderness of Northern Canada. As an alumnus of the Prep, Mr. Conners

Graduating from the Prep in 1980, Mr. Conners pursued a major in marine biology at Penn, and got his degree in 1984. He then began teaching science at the middle school level. After a few years of teaching, Mr. Conners was offered a job in the United Arab Emirates. Before he was able to leave for the job, Kuwait was attacked by Saddam Hussein and the plan was called off. St. Joseph's Prep had recently filled his spot in the science department, so he subbed in for a history teacher who was on maternity leave and has taught history ever since, returning to the Prep in 1997.

Since then, Mr. Conners has bolstered his resume with immersive summer classes on American history and teachings experience in the class-

room, which he has been doing it for the past couple decades.

Mr. Conner?s departure to the wilderness of Canada is set for the end of the 2019- 2020 school year; he will be leaving for the north in the middle of the summer. A favorite among school students and staff, Mr. Conners?s departure will certainly affect the Prep body. ?I just said Mr. why he Conners

thought it was time,?

Conners, when asked was departing. Mr. is ready to ?embrace

his primal instincts? as he put it. He is, with some reservations, excited to depart over the summer.

This is certainly saddening for the student body and faculty to see such a beloved part of the community leave, but Mr. Conners thinks it is best, so we can only really be supportive of his choice.

We wish Mr. Conners safe travels and wish him the best of luck in the wild.

(Photo: Heaven)

(Photo: Wokanda)

has been a part of the community for most of his life. He graduated in 1980 and started formally teaching at the school in 1997. Mr. Conners has attended Kairos many times and is best known for his iconic baby blue striped dress shirt.

manshark

Zoroastr ianism Finds Newest Conver t in Gambone

By Danny Deeney ?22

(Photo: The Middle East)

Mr. Gambone has already made waves in the Prep Religion Department despite this being only his second year at the school. Having taught freshmen last year and teaching freshmen and sophomores this year, many of his students consider him one of their favorite teachers.

Andrew Sergovic ?22 said, ?Mr. Gambone was one of my favorite teachers freshman year. I learned a lot of interesting material in that class.?

Mr. Gambone is well-known throughout the Prep as a man of deep faith. Students from Havertown can attest to the fact that Mr. Gambone has been an active member of St. Denis Church, his parish. That being said, Mr. Gambone has recently undergone a religious revival. The formerly Catholic religion teacher is now practicing the ancient Persian religion of Zoroastrianism.

For those that don?t know, Zoroastrianism is considered the oldest continuously practiced monothesitic religion in history. It is also one of the oldest religions that perceives life as a struggle between good and evil. Zoroaster, the creed?s founder, lived around 1500 BCE. By the 6th century BCE,

Join Mr. Gambone the next time he travels to the Zoroastrianism Church in New York (Address: 106 Pomona Rd, Pomona, NY 10970).

the religion would commence a long period of domination.

During three Persian empires, the religion spread into Rome and Greece, India, Russia, and Egypt. At its peak, Zoroastrianism had millions of followers. Today, there are less than 100,000 members of the religion, and Mr. Gambone is now one of them, a proud worshipper of Ahura Mazda, Zoroastrianism?s God. This conversion is bringing some drastic changes to Mr. Gambone?s everyday life. ?From here on out, I?ll be wearing a Sudreh under my button- down,? Mr. Gambone

stated. ?It?s a sacred shirt made of pure white cloth. It has a small pocket in the collar, the Gareban, which holds all my good thoughts, good words, and good deeds.?

Good thoughts, good words, and good deeds. In Zoroastrianism they are known as Manashni, Gavashni, and Kunashni, and they are the founding principles of the religion.

These three doctrines are now the guiding force of Mr. Gambone?s life.

Even though Mr. Gambone is no longer a practicing Catholic, he does not plan to

quit his job as a religion teacher anytime soon.

Mr. Gambone commented, ?Although there are a lot of differences between Christianity and Zoroastrianism, it?s important to recognize that there are also a lot of similarities. In both religions people call upon a greater power to help them in their times of need. Both religions have a belief in heaven and hell, final judgement, and eternal life. In fact, the words Satan, paradise, and amen all originate from Zoroastrianism.?

Mr. Gambone also intends to

continue leading the club that he co-founded with fellow theology teacher Mr. Callaghan.

The Pax Christi Social Justice Club will still offer students the opportunity to work towards justice in their communities, furthering the Prep?s Jesuit mission of developing men for and with others. That being said, there has been talk of changing the name of the club to Pax Christi Zoroastrique (the Peace of Christ and Zoraster).

Mr. Gambone?s students are excited about this change, although many have never heard of Zoroastrianism. Nonetheless, they are eager to see how it will affect his teaching style.

As James Bole ?22, who has Mr. Gambone for New Testament, said, ?I personally think that Mr. Gambone is an amazing teacher, and him being able to give another perspective as a Zorastrian will be great in the classroom.?

Mr. Gambone is known for telling students, ?It?s not personal, it?s just business.? His spiritual transformation, however, is an exception. It is an extremely personal change for Mr. Gambone, and the whole Prep community wishes him the best of luck as he moves forward on his spiritual journey.

The Hawkeye | Wednesday, April 1, 2020 |

Neatures | 11

M ar tinelli '20, All-Around Nice Guy, L ikely Robs Homeless

By Rocco Spadea '20 Everyone knows Mike Martinelli, the kid who always says ?What?s up? as he walks through the hallways of the Prep, showing his friendly smile to anyone who will notice. He came in second for Most Talkative and was voted the Friendliest for Senior Superlatives. Yet, there is something so off putting by this go getter with a great attitude.

There has to be a sinister ulterior motive underneath the grins and hellos.

My personal theory is that this is all a ploy for Mike to take over the world. It?s the first step in a massive plan: get everyone in highschool to trust him and consider him a friend, and then move on from there.

At college, he will continue to garner more and more support because of his sunny exterior, evolving into becoming a successful politician who becomes President. From there, he'll control the U.S. Next stop: the world. Before you know it, we are living not on Earth, but Martinelli 1, the first planet to be conquered.

Mr. Whelan, who has come to really know Mike through class and Film and TV Discussion club, commented on this idea. ?Yeah man, I can see it.

He is too nice. A kid like that is rare, and it?s making me think it?s not genuine. He definitely has some skeletons in his closet, like a murder or something like that. But otherwise a great leader for the club.? Thomas Young, ?20, who also knows Mike from Film and TV, finds him suspicious as well. When asked about what Mike?s possible sinister plans could be, Tom said: ?I don?t know, but he has to be up to something. It?s impossible to think of what he could be doing that needs a facade to that degree. No one is that nice. I do have a theory though. He has committed multiple murders and is planning more, but no one ever suspects him because he is so nice and outgoing while being really good at covering his tracks. It?s like Ted Bundy; charming and then he lures in his victims. Look at Bundy, he got away with so many. Another theory I have is that he is

With several accusations currently surfacing, Mike prefers to remain faceless.

actually Satan himself, and he uses his charming wits to get people to sign their souls over to him. Mike would be able to convince someone to do that, because he lets them think he is trustworthy.?

Anthony Ventresca, who has become close to Mike through co- leading Italian Club, had full on accusations of what Mike is doing based on proof. ?He steals food from Italian Club all the time, even though he is a leader. This has to be proof that he has something

bigger going on, like he is actually embezzling funds from the Prep. Mike is the type of kid to run a donation for homeless people and then take the money for himself, but no one would question it because he is always helping and guiding people. He has a really good mask to cover his real ways. There is definitely something like that going on.

Also, Italian Club meets every Friday. Come get some good food.?

agree that Mike is definitely hiding something sinister underneath the laughing and kind ways he shows to everyone around the Prep. Whether it?s embezzling funds or world domination, there is definitely something going on behind his closed doors. Only time will tell what Mike Martinelli is really hiding, and until then, we all will just have to wait in suspense.

Well, a lot of people can

Entertainment L ongest I nstagr am Caption Recor d Shattered by M er ion Gir l's B-Day Post

By Titus Henkels ?21

LMAO we met three days ago at a party and then realized we had been going to school together for sixteen years.? She explained that after the first encounter, the pair met up the next day at Jared Chad?s party, where they took a photo of themselves holding cans of spiked seltzer before leaving.

In a shocking turn of events, Merion Mercy junior Emilee Smith?s March 27 birthday tribute post to her ?BFF? Hayleigh Adams overtook senior John Johnson?s ?Thank You? post to his teammates, coaches, friends, family, God, state, and country following his team?s first- round exit in the Arkansas D2 AA state playoffs for the longest Instagram caption ever.

Emilee?s post consisted of four slides, each with different filters. The first slide is blackand- white, although, experts are debating whether the blackand- white Emilee used was ?Inkwell? or ?Willow.? Additionally, a small sect of rogue researchers insists that she used ?Moon.? The Hawkeye reached out to Emilee to find out which filter she used, but she declined to comment.

The second slide of the post was the easy to identify as ?Brennan.? The third was

MMA junior Emilee Smith's March 27 Instagram post to her "BFF" Hayleigh Adams (above) broke the record for longest Instagram caption. The post used a variation of "Brennan" and "Earlybird" filters, among other tints.

Sources confirmed that Smith ?[c]an?t believe this crazzzy girl is 17!!"

tinted with ?Earlybird,? and the fourth used the interesting combination of ?Hefe? and ?Toaster.? The caption itself was 3,155 words, edging out John?s by a mere three. Using phrases like ?Can?t believe this crazzzy girl is 17!!,? ?Calc wouldn?t be the same without

you dumb idiot ;),? ?omfgggg ur officially a dancing queen i luv uuuu,? and ?that time me and you almost did that thing was so crazzzzy you know i can?t say it on here only some of you know what im talking ab,? Emilee expressed her great affection for her friend in

the heart- warming Instagram post.

Although Emilee declined an interview request, Hayleigh Adams was interviewed via Skype by The Hawkeye. When asked about her friendship with Emilee, Hayleigh said, ?Ya

Hayleigh said that her mother saw the photo after a member of the Mother?s Club showed it to her during a craft session. Her mother then grounded her for a few hours that Hayleigh describes as, ?the worst hours of my life.?

She went on to say that during the grounding she ?literally almost died.?

Luckily, Hayleigh survived the ordeal and did not tarnish Emilee?s new World Record.

Emilee is being visited by the Guinness Book of World Records this week to make the caption record official, and the feat will be featured in the 2021 edition of the publication.

12 | Entertainment is scarce during quarantine | Wednesday, April 1, 2020 | The Hawkeye

M atter a's Reviews: Rocco's Reviews

Students-WhoL ook-L ike-Faculty Playlists at the Prep Often lost in the sauce is the fact that teachers are real people, too? people who listen to music. In a segment new this year to The Hawkeye, we feature songs from a faculty or staff member's playlist.

(Photo: Rick Astley)

Compiled By Benicio Beatty '21

Jason Mattera reacts to another edition of Rocco's Reviews, salty that he was not chosen to write the issue's movie review.

By Jason M atter a '20 Over the past year and a half, Prep students have read the movie review section and have been utterly disappointed. As most of us have noticed, each movie has been given a whopping 10/10 (if you didn?t notice, that?s pretty dumb).

Each movie has been picked

by Rocco to basically say how good it is in an article. Every review has the same five sentences: ?This movie was so good. I enjoyed it so much. It?s definitely worth the watch. I give it a 10/10.?

So, if you are not a Marvel, Star Wars, or comic book fan, you are basically reading nonsense.

The movie Joker, for example, was a very critically acclaimed movie this year. However, this movie?s interpretation of the Joker character and other famous DC characters stirred controversy. But we got

this from Rocco: ?I really liked the part where he became the Joker? - 10/10.

I am a fan of most superhero and action movies, and I have volunteered to write these articles. But I have been shot down every time by Rocco raising his hand and saying, ?I really liked that movie, and I think I should write it.?

By the way, that sentence was ranked 10/10 in The Hawkeye.

Guess what, I?m not gonna hide this secret anymore: Rocco Spadea has been covertly paid by Marvel and Disney to write overtly positive reviews of their movies. There, I said it! I?m sick of the overhwlemingly positive reviews, and I?m sick of being passed over for these reviews!

Overall, I believe that the reviews should be written by someone older than a 7 year old. - 4/100

M att L ombar di 1. Blank Space Taylor Swift 2. Gr egor ian Chant No. 33 Pope Urban II 3. Let it Gr ow The Lor ax Or iginal Motion Picture Soundtr ack

4. I'm a Believer Smash Mouth 5. Live While We'r e Young

Mat t er a's Mar k

4/10 0

One Direction 6. Never Gonna Give You Up Rick Astley 7. We Ar e Number One

"Hey Siri, Show Me How to Rick Roll Our Readers"

LazyTown Or iginal Soundtr ack 8. Shake It Metro Station 9. Ice Ice Baby Vanilla Ice 10. Sweet Car oline Neil Diamond 11. Cha- Cha Slide DJ Casper 12. Big Time Rush Theme Big Time Rush

M att M cGear y 1. The Wheels on the Bus Raffi 2. Old Yeller (audiobook) Fred Gipson 3. On the Floor IceJJFish 4. Symphony No. 41 "Allegr o Vivace"

Mozar t 5. Leave It All To Me (iCar ly Theme Song)

Mir anda Cosgrove 6. Castle on the Hill

Ed Sheer an 7. Fade Away Logic 8. Dynamite Taio Cr uz 9. Baby I'm Your s Breakbot 10. Hey Soul Sister Tr ain 11. Single Ladies Beyonce 12. Bye Bye Bye NSYNC

The Hawkeye | Wednesday, April 1, 2020 |

How Could I get Entertainment? | 13

The Ext r em e Hawkword

Cr uciver balist: Aidan M cGahey '20 Note: Spaces not included Also Note: I f you are actually able to solve this, I 'll give you my dad's credit car d number and the three digits on the back.

Across 2. McGahey family's 2016 summer vacation location 8. Aidan McGahey's favorite book read in AP English III 10. Aidan McGahey's paternal grandfather's middle name 11. Aidan McGahey's favorite existentialist philosopher 14. Aidan McGahey's 3rd grade teacher 15. Age of Aidan McGahey's second-oldest cousin

Down 1. Make and model of Aidan McGahey's mom's car

4. Aidan McGahey's favorite store ending in "-mart"

2. Aidan McGahey's favorite band

5. Aidan McGahey's freshman year homeroom teacher

3. The state where Aidan McGahey was born

6. Aidan McGahey's dog's name

7. Aidan McGahey's favorite color 9. Aidan McGahey's third-favorite South Asian language

13. Aidan McGahey's favorite Thursday afternoon snack

12. The third digit of Aidan McGahey's Social Security number

Be the twenty-third person to email a picture of your completed Hawkword to hawkeye@sjprep.org to receive an autographed picture of Mr. Camma.

The Hawkeye Editor s Gr id

By Us

Reza Ali

Chr is Zack

What has been your favor ite quar antine activity?

Playing FIFA 20 while plotting to bring down the entire administration. (For legal reasons, I assure you this is a joke.)

Taking advantage of cheap plane tickets. 39 countries down.

Watching March Madness while I attend gatherings of ten or more people.

Rewatching past Cape and Sword shows wearing my Prep ring and senior sweater.

What is your favor ite club at the school?

The Ghoul Club, moderated

by Mr. Murphy

The Secret Gesu Base Jumping Club

Joe Exotic Fan Club

Bring back the cheese club

David McCabe wasn?t THAT annoying.

The only reason I want the MLB to resume its season is so that the Astros can be deservedly ridiculed.

Despite the rumors, I do not have COVID-19. Even though the coup on the triangle was successful, I am still alive.

Hmmmm... I better go ask my favorite Geometry teacher.

The answer is tattooed behind Iggy's ear, so I'd have to check that.

What is your most unpopular opinion?

Crunchy peanut butter is the best.

The lengths of the sides of a tr iangle are x, 16 and 31, where x is the shor test side.

I f the tr iangle is not isosceles, what is a possible value of x?

Let?s just say I?m better at this whole reading and writing thing.

Gar rett M cCloskey

The Ghost of David M cCabe

14 | Debate/Opinion | Wednesday, April 1, 2020 | The Hawkeye

Opinion/Debate Star ing Pur poselessly at Nothing Easily Replaces Ability to Get Anything Done

By L eo Vaccaro '05

With the total disruption of regular life due to a global pandemic, nation-wide feelings of purpose have been replaced with an incredible inability to get anything done. Everything from working out, completing school work, planning for the future, paying taxes, caring, and maintaining even the most basic interpersonal relationships, have fallen by the wayside in favor of just staring purposelessly at anything without thinking for the longest possible amount of time.

But what is more important, things to do or to instead passively observe, ?the smooth beetles on the blades of grass, the warm evenings in the cool, dim rooms, the black mysterious trees of the twilight, the stars and the flowing waters,

(Photo: Photo: Photo: Photo: Photo)

Millions of Americans and hundreds of Preppers are asking themselves, ?How can I avoid doing anything for the next 18 months??

Pictured: History teacher Mr. Leo Vaccaro '05 stares into space. While Vaccaro claims "staring purposelessly at anything without thinking" has become the new normal, students realize this is nothing new for Vaccaro and other faculty members. Spending the weekends staring at a blank white wall is a national past time for teachers.

dreams and long sleep?? Most people are choosing the latter!

for doing nothing is just more attractive.

Boccaccio suggested that these times of plague create the opportunity to write 100 stories, forever altering the Western canon of storytelling.

Shakespeare determined that quarantine was a time to compose King Lear. Newton worked on physics when he could not leave home due to pestilence. But those people are all dead nerds, and a time

Moreover, those aforementioned people are from the past. The past is history, and history is just a dull, boring, tedious topic that our society has already determined to be superfluous. It may be important to a few weird hobbyists, but when is the last time we made a decision by consulting history?

Sure, basic questions need to be answered such as, will we go back to school? How will we move on if we are all locked indoors? Will that summer trip still go on? How can people still have jobs if there is no work to be done?

Do grades even matter? Will my worry extend my life by a cubit?

These are all questions that we can answer at some time, but that time is not now. Now is the time for doing nothing.

It is a time to brood through our own private Elsinore finding out exactly how weary, stale, flat and unprofitable the world is.

Doing nothing might seem familiar, to which I say: Welcome back! Because we have indeed all been here before. It is being a child, but now you are not a child anymore, you just need to act and live like one.

For others, they never left ? there are people who have lived like this their whole lives.

Some of them even have their own television shows so that we could watch them live while doing nothing. Having a television show gives them the appearance that they accomplished something, but searching for their interior selves reveals, and is clear: they have not done anything. Many of these people are now household names. And their way of life is suddenly the way that we all live.

Maybe, once this all thaws, there will be a time that action can resume. The first revolutionary act of freedom will require the belief in free will, because we definitely stopped believing in that before the quarantine. Once we believe that we can do something, we will do something. We will form a dialogue with ourselves. We will develop an interior life.

Maybe it is time to believe in it again? No? Okay then, I had better go order some takeout and get back to the business of doing nothing.

Dear Sage Fr ies, For give M e Batman has the Joker, the Eagles have the Cowboys, and I have Sage?s french fries, an evil so terrible that I needed to bring it up in my campaign speech for Student Council president last year. But here at the Prep, we learn that Jesus taught us to love our enemies.

Perhaps even Sage?s french fries deserve a second chance.

Who knows? Maybe my harsh criticism helped the fries taste better.

In the spirit of forgiveness, I decided to pull out my wallet and pay the perfectly reasonable price of $2 for the opportunity to taste three french fries. As soon as I walked into the cafeteria, I could tell that Sage had upped their game.

After being broken for months last year, these new and improved Sage fryers immediately set the fries up for success by cooking them at the heat of J-Hall without air conditioning. When they arise from the oil, the fries are dripping, glistening even, so stu-

dents can tell that all of the freezer burn is melting away before even going under the heat lamp. While waiting under the lamp, the fries receive heat from one of Logic?s seven albums from last year, so that they may remain at the ideal temperature of lukewarm.

Seeing the golden glow of the stale fries basking in the lambent light of the heat lamp, there was no way I could resist waiting fifteen short minutes in the lunch line to eat them.

Once I made my way up the stairs to a readily available seat in the Senior lounge, I eyed up the three not crispy, yet not soft, slices of starch and bit into one before my table could take them all. At that moment, my eyes lit up, never had I eaten something that so perfectly encapsulated the taste of a C minus. My tastebuds would never be the same again.

After I enjoyed them plain, loyal Sage fry fan Victor Rowello ?20 said, ?If you like them now, just wait ?til you put Old Bay on those jawns.? This

(Photo: The Gulag)

By M ichael Ruggiero ?20

Look at these not soggy SAGE fries.

twist truly elevated the fries to C level as they encompassed all the flavors of a rotting crab carcass. This new taste was enough to delight my palette and make anyone from Mary-

land cry tears of joy.

Despite our longstanding feud, it is clear that Sage fries have turned a new leaf this year. These bricks of warmed chalk dust have redeemed

themselves in my eyes by deliciously recreating the struggle for mediocrity in a way that any Prep student can enjoy.

Follow @CDCgov on Twitter for Exclusive Content & Tips on How to Be a Responsible Adult!

The Hawkeye | Wednesday, April 1, 2020

| Open Onion 15

2nd Floor J-Hall Does Not Exist

By Benicio Beatty ?21 The Prep community prides itself as having extensive historical knowledge of its campus. Every classroom, photograph, and office is rich with history and steeped in tradition. Ask anyone in the building and they could tell you about the trophy cases, the old theater, and of course the devastating fire of 1966. Everyone at the Prep knows every place well.

Every place except the second floor of Jesuit Hall.

Nobody has ever seen it, nobody ever will see it. I?m fully convinced that it?s just not there.

After further investigation, I found that the absence of an entire floor at the Prep is eerily similar to the absence of a 14th Street in the City of Philadelphia. Check your Google Maps: it just skips over 14th Street.

What?s more, most of the people I interviewed just gave me a blank look when I mentioned the second floor phenomenon to them. For the one I could get a few sentences out of, they scratched their heads and squinted their eyes in concentration, trying to recall any piece of information about this rumored floor above the Mission and Ministry Office.

Students and faculty alike reported a weird dizziness and a ringing in their ears when they descended from the math classrooms. ?It?s some twilight zone [expletive],? remarked Justin Kearns ?20. ?Like, I have memories of being there once or twice to deliver a note or something, but it always seems like a dream or some type of deja vu.?

No student can recall a dis-

(Photo: St. Joseph's Prep | Villiger Archives) Not Pictured: 2nd floor J-Hall, because it doesn't exists

tinct memory spent walking the second floor hall, and the faculty and staff can?t put together a cohesive argument as to why it exists.

History teacher and selfproclaimed expert of strange happenings Mr. Vaccaro ?05 said that perhaps this second level to J-Hall is just a mirage

caused by the heat of the spring, or perhaps a more sinister source, like ectoplasm. ?Regardless, it?s a real puzzle for us teachers,? said Vaccaro. ?One moment you?re passing the Rooney Room and the next you find yourself up past Mrs. Castagno?s Room. I just can?t recall ever being on that floor.?

From what I?m told, the Prep?s Development team supposedly works on the second floor, but I ask you this: have you ever actually seen the Development team? Who are they? and what are they developing?

As you can see, based on thorough and conclusive evi-

dence, a case for the existence of second floor J- Hall simply can not be made. Therefore, the floor naming system of the school needs to be revised. Beginning next week, a petition will be circulating that will effectively rename the floors with their proper order.

The Hawkeye Staff of 2019-2020 L a Salle College High School 8605 West Cheltenham Avenue Wyndmoor, PA 19038 Whatever You Do, Do NOT Tr ust

Responsible Editor

Jimmy King '21

Andrew Flanagan '22

Vacant

Tommy Logan '21

Daniel Law '22

Reza Ali '20

Under lings

Joe Massaua '21

Joe Murphy '22

Chris Zack '20

Chris Casey '20

Alfonso Procaccino '21

Andrew Sergovic '22

Assistant to the Regional M anager

Martin Gallagher '20

Connor Siemien '21

Ethan Spillane '22

Stephen Harrison '20

Liam Stephens '21

Corbin Taylor '22

Thomas Magiera '20

Daniel Sponseller '21

Bobby Woltjen '22

Marcus Murphy '20

Joseph Tagliferro '22

Colin Birkmire '23

Aidan McGahey '20

Rocco Spadea '20

Aiden Anderson '22

Luke Gallagher '23

That One K id Who M akes Quizlets for Ever ything

Michael Ruggiero '20

Murphy Bonner '22

Ian Gomez '23

Nile Andah '21

Seamus Blaney '22

Kieran Hicks '23

Denis Gallagher '20

Matthew Bae '21

Stephen Cain '22

Liam Holden '23

1st Gr ade Spelling Bee Winner

Alex Currie '21

Matthew Corr '22

Jake Wisniewski '23

Benicio Beatty '21

Kieran Dougherty '21

Caleb Datto '22

Head Ventr iloquist

Thomas Hillman '21

Danny Deeney '22

Representatives of His M aj esty

Matt Bae '21

Matt Hopkins '21

Brennan Fitzgerald '22

Mr. Leo Vaccaro '05

Garrett McCloskey '21 I 'm Pretty Sure He Still Owns a Pair of Heely's

Mr. Kevin Kearney '06

I f you are inter ested in contr ibuting mater ials to The Hawkeye, contact us to submit an ar ticle, photogr aph, or to wr ite a letter to the editor. L etter s should not exceed 600 wor ds.

I n case you could not tell, this edition of The Hawkeye is satire.

All mater ials pr inted by The Hawkeye are intended to both enter tain and infor m the Prep community as well as cultivate an environment that gener ates meaningful and productive discussion. The opinions and beliefs expressed in the adver tisements and ar ticles in this publication do not necessar ily reflect the values or mission of The Hawkeye Student Newspaper of St. Joe's Prep.

16 | Minion/Debate | Wednesday, April 1, 2020 | The Hawkeye

DEBATE: Prom L ocation Google Hangouts CHRI S DUMB from pg. 1 But, on Google Hangouts, you could easily just mute Bob, click on your friend?s box, and watch him encapsulate everything that you hoped virtual prom would.

Right: Reza Ali '20 sporting a trendy sweatshirt, suspenders, and bow tie look. His date may only be a cutout head from soccer Senior Night, but boy do they look cute!

All in all, my points are concise but valid.

First, I?m debating a boy with two first names. You never trust someone with two first names. Remember Saddam Hussein? Second, Google Hangouts allow you to choose who to mute and who to look at, while Group FaceTime automatically makes the loudest person the forefront of the call.

Above: Thomas Magiera '20 reads a story to the virtual prom attendees.

The answer is simple.

We want Google Hangouts for prom.

Left: Marcus Murphy '20 makes sure all prom participants leave six feet for the Holy Spirit.

FaceTime

Ego L inguam L atinam Amo

MARI O PROM from pg. 1 better if it is made by Apple.

That?s why their products are more expensive. If you think that Apple would make products and then have astronomically high prices just to ensure more demand for their generally mediocre products, then you might as well be writing the opposing side of this debate, because you are a fool!

In case you were wondering as to the validity of my opponent?s argument, one of my informants has duly informed me that Reza Ali is a fan of contemporary Hip and Hop artist

By Joseph Tagliafer ro ?21 et Dan Sponseller ?21

Pictured: A Group FaceTime power trio. Chris Zack '20 (left) being a Latin simp. Stephen Harrison '20 (right) driving responsibly. Ross Curcio (top right) being cool.

Russ. Therefore, as with all members of the Russ fan community, he is to be ignored and

shunned as a person with horrible musical taste.

Si haec legas, congratulationem te volo. Latinam linguam legere potes. Sed cur tuum temporem absumas? Lege aliquid alioqui quid, sunt plurima alia legere potes.

Tamen, cum leges, erat malus tragoedia qua mundam Latinam percussit: lingua Latina mortua est. Magistri Latini et scholeres a omnes nationes convenient ut

calamitatem linguae carae lugeant. Funus erit mens secundus in pectori Romae ut humanitas perservet. Omnes manus apprendet Caesaremque a memoria recitabit. Omnes sunt grati, si a Roma volere potes, qui est difficilis. Florae atque dona civitati Italiae accipientur, cum a hac calamitate magnopere doleant. Si quaesita ulla habes, adpelli Jovem, regem deorum dearumque.

The Prep Should Embr ace Posadism

By Aidan M cGahey ?20 A spectre is haunting St. Joseph?s Prep -- the spectre of Posadism! Listen, I know this sounds ridiculous, but hear me out.

Tired of the current political deadlock that results from free and fair elections? Have you ever wanted to combine UFOconspiracy theories, Trotskyist Marxism, and the desire for a fresh start via worldwide nuclear war? Just looking for something fun to support?

Then Posadism is the ideology for you!

Having read the entire Posadism Wikipedia page, I now consider myself the Prep?s foremost expert on this great new political plan, and here is why I believe that our great school community should embrace this new plan for the future.

First and foremost, many of you are probably asking, what is Posadism? Developed by the Argentinian Trotskyist Juan Posadas in 1962, Posadism believes in a simple, logical, and flawless plan: destroy capitalism.

The first step is global nuclear war.

What better way to eradicate capitalism and the greedy bourgeoisie than by using weapons of mass destruction?

The next step is the best part. Once everything is de-

stroyed, how in Lenin?s name are we expected to rebuild the great communist utopia of the future? Well, that?s simple. Since Communism is obviously the best ideology not only on Earth, but in the entire universe, we simply look to the stars. Any alien civilization advanced enough for interplanetary travel must be Communist, so we use the help of aliens from across the galaxy to build our new worldwide society of Communism.

What could go wrong?

There are so many ways the

Prep could benefit from this ideology. Don?t want to fork over $2.00 for soggy Sage fries? Under Trotskyism, all members of the proletariat are fed for free. Sick of hearing about the Coronavirus in the news? Don?t worry, odds are under a Posadist nuclear war, everyone with the disease will be dead, thereby eradicating the virus. Want to go to Mars with Elon Musk? Well, odds are Elon won?t fare too well under a purge of the bourgeoisie, but hey, SpaceX will be nationalized!

I promise you, all of your problems will be solved under Posadism. If you agree with me, please join the first meeting of the Prep Young Posadists, meeting alternating Thursdays during Community Period. Refreshments will be served. ยกViva la revolution!

The Hawkeye | Wednesday, April 1, 2020 |

Opinion/Duh Bate | 17

Kear ney's Kor ner : Pr ep Teacher or Online Scammer ?

Now that we?ve gone remote, you?ll be interacting with the Prep Faculty through a screen rather than in the classroom. But the internet is filled with phishing scams, fraudsters, and bots. English teacher Mr .

K ear ney walks you through some potential scenarios so you can be sure you?re interacting with your teacher...and not a virtual parasite.

SCENA RI O #1

TEACHER OR SCAMMER?

You r ?h i st or y t each er ? su ggest s sk i p p i n g t h e 1980s, w r i t i n g t h at ?n ot h i n g of an y r eal i m p or t an ce t ook p l ace.?

Teaching W orld History is a nearly impossible task: covering centuries of all of the world?s civilizations in under nine months is no small feat. But why cherry-pick the 80s? Did this ?teacher?also happen to ignore the Ukranian Famine? Is the banner for their Classroom page a picture of Putin riding shirtless on a stallion?

You guessed it: you?ve got a Russian bot.

SCENA RI O #2

TEACHER OR SCAMMER?

You r ?t each er ? sen d s y ou an em ai l , ask i n g y ou t o w i r e h i m / h er t h ou san d s of d ol l ar s.

It?s no secret that Prep teachers are notorious for asking their students for large wads of cash. Off the top of my head, I can recall three students who have bailed me out of seriously dire circumstances. Still, Prep teachers would never put this in writing. They would keep you after class and suggest that some ?unfortunate things?might happen to your grade if you don?t pay, but they would never send you an email suggesting anything of the sort. This is most definitely a scam. Beware!

SCENA RI O #3

TEACHER OR SCAMMER?

You r ?t each er ? h as h u n d r ed s of d ol l ar s i n Best Bu y gi f t car d s f or y ou . Al l h e/ sh e n eed s i s y ou r Soci al Secu r i t y n u m ber .

Best Buy is a dying brand with zero currency in the Philadelphia area. Prep teachers have been known to run long cons on SEPTA Keys, Phillies season tickets, and pallets of Butterscotch Krimpets because they recognize what easy marks value.

Best Buy, however, screams of a small-time grifter, likely based out of Iowa.

SCENA RI O #4

TEACHER OR SCAMMER?

You r ?t each er ? say s h e/ sh e can ?t f i gu r e ou t ?h ow t h i s [ex p l et i v e] Googl e Cl assr oom w or k s.?

This is your teacher.

Sports

ATTENTI ON: The Hawkeye is in need of entirely new editorial staff.

Contact Reza Ali '20, Chris Zack '20, or Garrett McCloskey '21 for details.

" OG Gr iffdog" to Take Basketball Reins

By K ier an Dougher ty ?21 Speedy Morris, basketball coach at St. Joe?s Prep for the last 19 years, has decided to retire after this season. The legendary coach tallied over 1,000 wins during more than a half of century on the sideline.

Replacing a coach like Morris would not be an easy task for most schools, but the Prep did not have to look far for his replacement.

One name under consideration was Mr. Randy Monroe, who is the current assistant coach and former head coach of UMBC. Some saw Monroe as a front runner, however, during the coaching search conducted in January 2020, a dark horse emerged.

Contrary to popular belief, English teacher Mr. Griffin was not always a literary mastermind. Back in the day, the people at Rucker Park in New York City knew him as ?OG Griffdog,? and he owned NYC streetball. Averaging 79 points, 57 assists, 26 blocks and 54 rebounds a game in the late 1950s, OG Griffdog cemented his place as one of the biggest

ballers in NYC. The future looked bright with almost every team in the NBA reaching out to him on a daily basis.

But on one fateful summer day in the summer of ?53, OG Griffdog suffered a broken nail on the ring finger of his shooting hand when he tried to dunk on some kid named Lou Alcindor, ending his career.

Varsity player this past year.

"All I know is that I still have about 7 essays from his class last year that I never turned in, so I?m screwed.?

With Griffin now serving as a head coach and English teacher, securing an interview for The Hawkeye was very hard, but it was able to be done. Griffin insisted there was only time for one question, so The Hawkeye asked him what we should expect from him now as he restarts his basketball journey.

With his hoops dreams suddenly snatched away in such dramatic fashion, OG Griffdog left basketball for good. He pursued a career in teaching English and ended up spending the next fifty plus years of his life teaching here at St. Joe?s Prep.

Griffin never mentioned his basketball fame since his horrific injury, leaving his legend behind and his many students throughout the years in the dark about his youth. But now, with the coaching job open, that same fire that burned in Mr. Griffin so many years ago was reignited. The streetballer threw his hat in the ring, and after the hiring committee learned of his past basketball accomplishments, Griffin edged out Monroe for the job.

English teacher Mr. Griffin, who would like students to refer to him as "OG Griffdog" from now on, was an absolute BALLER during his Rucker Park days. It was just announced that Griffin edged out Mr. Monroe for the head basketball position left vacant in the wake of Speedy Morris's retirement decision.

This hiring shocked the basketball community. The Hawkeye broke the news to Director of Student Activities and Transportation Mr. Bryan Ghee, who responded with ?Hahaha. Oh wait, you're serious??

When asked about his feelings on the Griffin hiring,

Monroe said, ?I?m taking my talents to Roman Catholic and 301 N Broad St.?

The returning Varsity players were also extremely surprised when they heard the news. ?I really don?t know what to think of this," said junior JP Egan, who was a first time

?Some people want it to happen, some wish it would happen, and others make it happen.? Griffin took a deep breath and said, ?I am going to make it happen. OG Griffdog is back and he?s bringing a State Championship to St. Joe?s Prep.?

There is a new era beginning at the Prep. OG Griffdog is looking to finish what he started so many years ago, and it?s going to take more than a broken nail to stop him this time.

18 | What Sports are on Right Now? | Wednesday, April 1, 2020 | The Hawkeye

I nvestigation: What Do Crew K ids Talk About at L unch?

Vineyard Vines. Salmoncolored khakis. This is standard crew attire.

Yet, it is not a crew kid?s common choice of apparel that draws bewilderment. Henley jackets, 2K times, and rowing achievements aside, one question clouds the Prep?s student body at large. ?What do those crew kids talk about lunch?? asked Michael Tannenbaum. The freshman squash star theorized that they only talk about the river, ?erging,? and bad mullets. Others around Tannenbaum nodded in agreement.

The Hawkeye asked junior 6seat Patrick O?Connell to delineate the previous day?s lunchroom conversation. He declined to comment and cited ?toes.?

He also muttered, ?It?s a cult.? O?Connell, who has been trained to endure the pain of a thousand tiger bites, unknowingly had a covert listening device attached to his shin during the conversation.

The result was a twelve-hour file containing a history lecture, chatter from a bus ride to crew practice, and a stern discussion with the Dean of Students on why money laundering and murder should ?never mix.?

However, the crux of the recording came just before the

three- hour mark? a twentyfive minute lunchroom conversation at the crew kids? table.

Under the facade of the Sauter Dining Hall?s yellow cinder block walls, the crew team divulged their deepest and darkest sorrows. A candid heart- to- heart dialogue revealed the remorse that the rowers could not disclose to their land-bound brethren. ?I?m so mad that I started Baker Mayfield last night,? scoffed one unidentifiable rower. ?That?s only eight points from my starting fantasy football quarterback!? The tone of the unknown salmonkhaki-wearing, Vineyard Vines flaunting, short- shorts during dress down day flexing rower was growing noticeably irate. ?Yeah, I know,? said another. ?I won because you suck at fantasy football."

Just as it seemed that animosity was reaching an alltime high amongst the seemingly jovial team, the conversation shifted. ?Hey, wanna watch crew races during class and act like this is a totally normal thing?

So exciting.? ?I swear,? said one rower later identified as the guy who thinks Penn will rescind his acceptance because he received a B- on his AP Calculus BC parametric functions test. He continued, ?If I eat one more

(Photo: Henley Royal Regatta)

By Gar rett M cCloskey ?21

Question: Why do the crew kids always sit at their own table, and what do they talk about? Answer: Read to find out lol.

soggy Sage fry, I?m going to kill Iggy.?

Sources confirmed that ?Iggy? is the school?s therapy dog. This threat was dismissed as at least one of these threats, or variant of the such, is commonplace at any Prep lunchroom table.

Other topics of conversation at the crew table included critical reviews of the latest episode of Meet the Cantaloupes and My Strange Addiction: Danny Devito Edition.

A poignant discussion revolved around whether fish are friends

or food. An impassioned debate ensued over whether Miranda Cosgrave peaked during Nickelodeon?s Drake and Josh or iCarly.

The rowers also reviewed junior Harvard commit George Voegele?s highlight tape on Hudl, which was filmed and edited by Religious Studies instructor and renowned waffleenthusiast Bro Kania. ?I don?t get why people think we only talk about crew at lunch,? said a perplexed Voegele. ?We are all normal people who like a little ?row,

row, row the boat?from time to time.?

Coxswain Connor Neill, who does not actually row but instead yells at the big strong kids, stressed that he joined the crew team to ?make great friends? and shut down the popular belief that crew kids row crew so they can simply ?get into a great college, get a good job, start a big family, do business businessy things.?

Neill also suggested randomizing the tables by khaki color ?to force intermingling.?

Deeney '22, Raffa Cash in on Stair well Spa Thanks to Crew Wor kouts

By M ur phy Bonner ?22 ?When you see an opportunity like that, you gotta take it,? said Dan Deeney ?22 as he was counting stacks of hundred- dollar bills in the cafeteria.

Deeney had not always been a businessman, but recent events had allowed him to show off his unknown acumen for the field.

What had started as a regular freshmen crew practice in a Villiger Hall stairwell had become a lucrative venture for Deeney and his partner, Spanish teacher Mr. Raffa. ?SeĂąor and I were walking up the stairs during one of those crew practices where they run up and down the stairs,? said Deeney, ?and we became soaked, literally drenched, because of how

steamy it was. That's when the idea came.?

That was the beginning of the ?Deeney- Raffa Spa?, which has accumulated over $20,000 in revenue in only thirty days.

The pair immediately went to work on getting a working sauna up in a matter of days.

Chairs, towels, and televisions were set up under the stairs to provide a pleasant experience for the customers. ?We wanted to give people an authentic experience,? said Raffa. Costing $15 for half an hour, that experience does not come cheap. On its first day of business, twenty minutes after the crew team began running, the sauna was already full.

Matt Hoban ?22 was one of the first people in line. ?It was probably one of the

most relaxing days I have had at Prep. I stayed in there for four hours,? said Hoban.

fact it is powered through sweat, Deeney said, ?What [the customers] don?t know can?t hurt them.?

Other students however are not as happy. Nicholas Deeney has also placed all Bedrossian ?22 said ?My bus legal responsibility of the Spa driver spent the whole night in on Raffa ?just in case, the sauna. I had to walk home y?know.? through North The spot has Philly at night, " M y bus dr iver become a popalone.? spent the whole ular attraction There is also more than night in the sauna." for growing turjust the Prep moil between community. ? Nicholas Receiving an the Spa?s owners and the Bedrossian '22 average of 5 crew team, who stars and over say they de75 reviews on Yelp, Deeneyserve a share of the profits. A Raffa Spa is one of the top lawsuit has currently been filed tourist attractions in Philadelagainst the Deeney- Raffa Spa phia. It even has its own and neither its owners nor the Snapchat geotag. crew team is open to comment The opening of the spa is not on the proceedings. only a benefit to the students, Pressed on the sanitary conbut to the members of the facditions of the sauna, given the ulty. Deeney and Raffa rent out

a portion of the stairwell to the science department to conduct experiments. One such experiment is mold growth.

Biology teacher Mr. Koenig ?14 said, ?We have never seen mold and bacteria grow so fast, we can only thank the crew team for that.? The area is also used to simulate tropic environments for the Environmental Science classes.

For Deeney and Raffa, the venture is not terminal. ?We hope to expand our operations in sweaty stairwells all over the country,? said Raffa.

When asked about the legacy of their business, Deeney said, ?I want people to walk in a foggy, steamy, and overall smelly stairwell and know that I played a big role in profiting off of it!?

The Hawkeye | Wednesday, April 1, 2020 |

Marble Racing? | 19

Faculty Thumb War to Settle M idter m Score

By Stephen Cain '22

faction: the mighty Mr. Miller.

The debate on whether the current school schedule should have its midterms before or after Christmas Break has shook the school to the core, so much so that an online survey was put out to the student body to hopefully settle this. The voting by the students was split exactly 50/50 on this issue, and the entire administration was shocked.

Miller will certainly play the ?underdog? role in this match, as DeSimone is favored at about 4 to 1 by Gesu House Casino.

However, Miller should never be underestimated, as his thumbs possess some speed as well. Students can attest to Miller writing down problems on his whiteboard insanely fast and crossing out incorrect answers on their tests with giant red X?s with blazing speed. He also may use his high intellect from his experience as a geometry teacher so that he can analyze the exact angle at which DeSimone?s thumb will try to attack his own thumb.

But, what makes the Prep different from other high schools is their ability to compromise and hash things out.

So naturally, the staff devised a compromise that aimed to satisfy both of the quarreling factions about the midterm issue.

Latin teacher Mr. DeSimone will represent the ?Before Christmas? faction. He will face Math teacher Mr. Miller, who will represent the ?After Christmas? faction, in a winner-take-all thumb war battle to settle the dispute.

The case for the ?Before Christmas? candidate, DeSimone, coming out on top in the thumb war revolves around his experience as the head of the

To settle the debate of midterms before or after Christmas Break, two beloved teachers will duke it out in a thumb war for the ages. Mr. DeSimone (left) will face Mr. Miller (right).

esteemed Strategy Gaming Club, where dexterity in the fingers is key to success.

Yahtzee, for example, is a game that requires immense dexterity within the hands and fingers, and DeSimone may have the quickest and most durable thumbs out there. He also will have the students play in various Latin- themed Kahoot games, which requires very quick finger dexterity in order to click the correct answer for each question. In fact,

DeSimone says he will host Kahoot games on the daily for his students and will now participate in them to not only help his students, but to also enhance his already freakishly quick thumbs. ?Mr. Miller delebo!? DeSimone shouted in Latin, which translates to, ?I will destroy Mr. Miller!?

Awaiting DeSimone in this battle of the thumb titans is the leader of the ?After Christmas?

?Yeah, when he trash talks me, he always decides to do it in some foreign language, and I always tell him repeatedly, ?I don?t speak Chinese,?? Miller said.

This epic thumb war is slated to take place towards the end of the year in May on a Wednesday morning in place of the Examen. Mr. Kania will be the referee for this match, since he?s shown time and time

again in his sophomore religious studies to ?not take a position? on certain matters. Apparently, he also will not be taking any position in this thumb war battle.

Some attempts have been made to publicize this event further. Two press conferences will be open to the public, with the first one being in March and the second in April. Each of the thumb fighters have also lobbied for one press conference to take place on each of their ?home fields,? with one of the press conferences taking place in Miller?s second floor Jesuit Hall classroom while the other will take place in DeSimone?s fourth floor classroom.

Event organizers are scrambling to find a new venue for Miller?s home conference as second floor J-Hall does not, in fact, exist.

But regardless, despite all the trash talk going on between these two esteemed Prep colleagues, the important thing to remember is the ability of compromise whether it be through verbal reconciliation, or through an intense game of thumb war.

Rugby Tr avels to I taly, Unfor gettable Exper ience

By David Fosbenner ?20 From winning the Football State Championships every year to the swim team cutting the hair of off the freshman, there is no shortage of great Prep sports traditions.

However, there is one tradition of Prep sports that reigns supreme? the rugby team?s international tours. The trips, offered to Juniors and Seniors, allow players to learn more about the culture and history of other countries, and maybe have some fun in the process.

In the past, the team has been to Ireland, Spain, France, Chile, and Argentina.

This year the team decided to take their talents to Milan and Venice in Northern Italy.

However with recent news of Coronavirus, it seemed as though it would put a damper on the trip, but it did not affect the players at all.

suit school named Leone XIII. The players also had a great time on the tour.

Andrew Ward ?20 said, ?I had the time of my life.This is the best 2,500 dollars I have ever spent, this trip was really worth the money, I wouldn?t have used the money for anything else. I worked all summer to be able to pay for this trip, and I can say, ?I'm glad I did.??

?Yeah, the virus wasn't that big of a deal at all,? Ross Curcio ?20 said of the pandemic?s effect on the trip. ?It felt like it does in the U.S., except all the streets were very empty, which made for good sight seeing.?

On an unrelated note, Curcio kept coughing throughout the entire answer.

It is widely agreed upon by the coaches and players that this is the best tour that they have had yet. Coach and lunchroom moderator Mr. Brian McCloskey ?91 said, ?I honestly don?t know how a trip

Rugby players went surfing off of the coast of Northern Italy during their March tour. Many cited it as the highlight of the trip. The teams won all three games against local clubs.

can get better than this one, and the fact that I got to celebrate my birthday everyday of this trip made it all the better.?

The team visited places like the Piazza Del Duomo to see the painting of the Last Supper, and even got to visit a local Je-

The International Rugby Tour is a great experience for everyone that goes, and it seems that this trip might have just been the best experience yet.

Prep Scoreboard FI SHI NG CLUB 2/ 29 at Mi nnow s, W 41-3 3/ 5 at Bear Grylls, W 8-7 3/ 21 vs. Baby Shark , L 74-8000

A NI M E CLUB 2/ 3 vs. Phi neas and Ferb, W 92-59 3/ 7 at Cai llou, L 0-999999999999 4/ 21 at Strategy Gam i ng (Crossover)

COV I D-19 3/ 14 at Spri ng Break Tri ps, W 3/ 23 at Cyber Days, L 4/ 25 at Juni or Prom

20 | Sporfs | Wednesday, April 1, 2020 | The Hawkeye

Raffa, Car rot Prepare for Fight Night In a stunning press conference announcement, Modern Languages teacher Mr. Raffa decided that he would like to have a rematch against the carrot he faced back in January.

For those who do not remember, the last fight ended with the carrot taking Raffa?s front tooth, and his battle scars are still visible.

In a press conference last week, Raffa said, ?I think I'm ready to bring the fight back to that carrot. You know, when I was a kid growing up in the streets of South Philly- Hey Jimmy! Hey! Come in here!?

The carrot is yet to respond.

Bets are already taking place with the odds in favor of Mr. Raffa. The SJP Sportsbook is packed at the moment with prop bets, including how many

Diet Cokes will be consumed and how many JUGs will be given for disobedience.

Drew Kampf ?23 said, ?I think Raffa could clinch this win this time. He?s got the pure strength that the carrot lacks, but he?s gotta stay ready for everything...or else a repeat of the last fight will happen.?

But some are doubtful at the Spanish teacher's odds and favor the carrot. ?I think it?s gonna be a tough fight, but in the end my money is on the carrot. We saw what happened in the last fight, and I think that could happen again,? said Finn McNamara ?23.

(Photo: Not Mr. Raffa)

By K ier an Hicks ?23

The fight is scheduled for April 31, 2020 in the faculty parking lot hut.

Pictured: Mr. Raffa (left) and Carrot (right) at the weigh-in. The two are slated for an April 31 rematch. Carrot won the January matchup and knocked out a front tooth of Raffa.

I n Next Week's I ssue: Deeney '22 Stumbles Upon Faculty Edgely

Debate: Who are Faculty Chair s?

Prep Robotics L oses Control of Ter minator-esque Creation

Students L eft Unsatisfied After Football Wins by only 22 Points in State Chip

I L eave Tr ash on L unch Tables: A Tell-All

Freshman Caught Doing Weekend HW in CH

Junior Takes " E-Gir l" To Vir tual Prom

Rumor s are Tr ue: Cape and Swor d Does Have Satanic Rituals

New Evidence Suggests Geor ge Didn't Shoot L ennie

30% of Tuition Revenue Sent to Offshore Account in the Cayman I slands

JUG Students Forced to M ine Bitcoin by Hand

Hawkeye Thinks of Or iginal Content for Apr il Fools

Senior Dr iven Clinically I nsane

by Sophomores M aking TikToks in Halls

I ggy Boasts 100% Student Depression Cure Rate

Prep Communists Club Offer s Alter native Path for Students

Opinion: Hawkeye Going into Debt isn?t ~that~ bad Related Opinion: We Really Need Ads ?M ake Waffles in Class Challenge? Sweeping Prep Nation Debate: How M any Syllables in L ast L ine of Haiku?

Teens Find Healthier Alter native to Vaping: Cigarettes

Jay-Z Outsources M ade in Amer ica Festival, Renamed ?M ade in China?

Students Recall Closure Announcement: " Why was I Cheer ing? Quar antine Sucked."

SAGE Dumps Chicken Stock as M ar ket Collapses Student Claims He " For got to Check Google Classroom" for the Entire Coronavir us Break Prep Athletics Star ts E-Spor ts Team Dur ing Quar antine

This Week on Edmodo Opinion: Just Put a Ban on COVI D-19

" Oh M y Gosh, She Wipes Down Ever ything," Student Says of M om

" The Commute isn't as Bad" Student Says of Cyber Classes

Prep Slated to Play UM ass Football in 2021

BREAK I NG: Chr is Zack Asks Out L ong-Time Cr ush

Teacher s Refuse to Stop Saying " ok zoomer " dur ing Zoom L essons

BROK EN: Chr is Zack's Hear t