Volume 44, April Fool's Edition

sTuDeNt ToO pAsSiOnAtE aBoUt EnGlI sH r EaDiNg

Pr Ep SoPhOmOr E dI eS oF L AtI n: VeRGiL tO bE hEL d aT XI pm

gHeE sM iL eS

Pg. 48

pG. L XI X

Pg. NeVeR

TeAcHeR dEbAtE: dOeS tHe BeL l DiSmI sS yOu Or Do I ? pG. 10?

fOlLoW uS oN tWiTtEr @ReAlDoNaLdTrUmP oR rEaD oUr I sSuEs OnLiNe At HaWkEyEsFaKeNeWs.GoV

aPRiL FoOls EdI tiON 1733 W eSt GiRaRd AvE. pHI ladElpHiA, pa, 19130 aPr I l 1, 2019

Prep Adopts Actual Hawk as M ascot, Coxswains Disappear

(Photo: M r. Raffa)

j UnI oR aNd FoRmEr CoXsWaI n, QuI nN bUr Ns '20 (BoTtOm), I s ShOwN aBoVe I n HiS lAsT kNoWn PhOtOgRaPh. CaL l AuThOr I tI eS wI tH aNy I nFoRmAtI oN, oR lI kE dOn'T? FuL l StOr Y oN pG. 3

Freshman Has Gir lfr iend, " You Wouldn't K now Her "

The Red Baron Str ikes Again

(Photo: Ur mom)

(Photo: The I nter net)

fUlL iNvEsTiGaTiOn On Pg. 6

iNsI dE r EpOr T oN I An BaL ARATna'S RoL lYBacK Pack oN Pg. 2

2 | Gnus | Monday April 1, 2019 | The Hawkeye Table of Contents

News: 2-3

News: 4-6

Also News: 7, 10

M ore News: 9

News: 11-12

This is a Newspaper : 13-16

Bathroom Per iod: New 35 M inute Per iod I n Day Once again, there will be a shift in the new schedule.

Starting on Monday, there will be a 35 minute period added to the day, in between Lunch 2 and Lunch 3. The session will be called the Bathroom Period.

Students can relieve themselves during this window. Before and after the period, the doors to the bathrooms will be locked.

This comes after the vandalism issue that has been plaguing the bathroom. The maintenance staff and the deans have cracked down on this. This is also an idea from Student Council. They believe it is the best solution and an easy way for everyone to use the bathroom. They also said it will help when teachers don?t let students use the bathroom. You can go during this 35 minute period, so you won?t have to worry about missing any work in class.

Many students love the period. Quinn Burns ?20 stated: ?Thank God we are getting one of these because I was getting

tired of walking to 5th floor JHall to use the bathroom every time.? It not only provides time to use the bathroom, but they can cram more homework time into the period too.

Everyone knows Prep students are geniuses at designating times to do homework during the school day rather than at home. Many are glad that the bathroom will be open at all.

Teachers aren?t too pleased, but some think it will help students from interrupting class to run to the restroom.

(Photo: Prep Student Council)

(Photo: Connor McCabe '19)

By Rocco Spadea ?20

The period was planned to fit students? needs. It was placed in the middle of the day to allow kids to not have to go in the afternoon and relieve themselves after the morning.

There will be a roped line leading into the bathroom, and there will be a timer for those using the bathroom.

Will this new period be a trial and then taken away, like the greatly missed community period on Wednesdays, or will it be here to stay? It will all pan out in the week to come.

President Thomas Dintino '19 is unable to enter the locked bathroom.

Two Wheels, One Pack, and Yet, No Back

By Aidan M cGahey '20 Rolling Thunder. The Red Baron. Clifford the Big Red Bag. You may not have heard its names, but you certainly have heard the low roll of plastic wheels, gliding across the sparkling linoleum floors of Villiger Hall. I present to you the infamous rolling backpack of Ian Balaratna ?20.

Balaratna explained that his backpack is ?awesome to own,? citing numerous benefits to having one, like big gains.

Balaratna first received the rolley- bag as a birthday gift back in 2016, before the start of his freshman year. However, that iteration only managed to last just to the beginning of his sophomore year. ?Leo Henkels ?19 asked to take a ride on it,? said Balaratna. ?After he got on the bag, I heard a very loud crack and told him to get off of it. As I walked out of school that day, the handle popped out of the bag.?

Balaratna explained that although daily use does wear down some of the more ?luxurious features,? but like a fine wine, the bag only increases in value as it gets older. ?After wear and tear, there is no tread left on the wheels, which leads to the bag?s exceptional drifting,? Balaratna explained. ?It?s fun taking corners in Villiger Hall with it, but others need to watch out.?

And watch out others do.

Many members of the Prep Community were quick to praise and even idolize Balaratna?s bag. ?I?m extremely jealous of Ian?s bag,? said David Fosbenner ?20. ?I?m in awe of its supreme power.? ?I?m at a loss trying to find words to accurately describe it, but my best guess would be ?a sacred relic,?? said Anthony Hays ?22. ?It (the bag) really captures

(Photo: Ur mom)

?My back feels great, my arms are buff from carrying it up and down stairs, and it is an icon at (the) Prep,? Balaratna said.

Balaratna quickly mourned the loss of his original backpack, describing his feelings at the time as ?distraught.? He summarily purchased a second bag on Amazon, which he continues to use to this day.

Take note of the divine and awe-inspired display pictured above. (M or tal eyes refr ain from looking.) the spirit of the Prep in a single object. It transcends even religion. Sometimes when I look at it, I just start crying,? exclaimed Danny Deeney ?22. ?I don?t know who has that bag, but that thing has more clout than Supreme,? said Andrew Sergovic ?22.

Having a phenomenal rolley-

bag isn?t just fun and games.

With great power comes great responsibility, and Balaratna explained that trying to minimize the number of people run over by the bag is a challenge. ?I want to apologize for all of the feet I have run over,?

Balaratna said.

However, despite the near

universal praise from his peers, Balaratna warns that the bag is in trouble. He explained that ?several rips have opened up on its front and the wheels are ready to fall off.? Balaratna is currently accepting donations to purchase patches and replacement wheels ?to preserve this Prep legend for years to come.?

The Hawkeye | Friday, April 1, 2019 |

Olds | 3

Prep Senior Unable to Tie Tie

By M att M ar hefka ?19 Yes, he?s out there. He?s made it three years and seven months, exactly, and is determined to finish strong.

This senior, who has decided to remain anonymous for publicity reasons, is nearing the end of his Prep career with a remarkable feat just out of grasp. ?I still don?t know how to tie a tie,? he began. It started as young as freshman year, when his father tied his tie for him on the first day of school.

Since then, it hasn?t been untied but rather ?loosened? for repeated usage without going through the whole ordeal. This senior continues, ?This ?life hack? has bolstered my morning efficiency. Every day, I don?t bother with the time consuming energy that goes into the act, but rather, sleep well knowing how reliable my technique is? .?

application of similar ideas. He says, ?Eventually, this thought occurred to me, right. I?ll keep my shoelaces tied, my collared shirt buttoned, and my belt always buckled. It almost worked...however, pulling my belt over my pants was just plain stupid.? Now, he says he simply doesn?t wear a belt.

It is rumored this student also has some type of a following.

Other underclassmen and classmates have stopped tying ties, wearing belts, tucking in shirt tails, and buttoning their top buttons. Although flattered, his goal remains simple. ?I want to break the record. It started off as an efficiency thing, but now my motives have shifted. I want to make it all four years and leave here as that guy. I?ve made it this far...? As his journey at the Prep nears its final weeks, he believes he can accomplish his feat, as long as he does not lose his only tie.

This realization lead to the

(Photo: Ties.com)

No, like, really: he has no clue.

Prep Adopts Actual Hawk, Coxswain M yster iously Disappear s

By Chr is Zack ?20 With the adoption of Iggy the Prep Dog having taken place so smoothly last fall, Student Council and the Prep administration decided that it was a good time to adopt another living animal as mascot. Two weeks ago, Xavier the Prep

Hawk arrived in the foyer and was immediately released to form his nest in the atrium.

The administration is choosing to allow Xavier to roam around the school as he chooses, leaving raw steak on a table in the foyer three times a day. For athletic and admissions events,

they have decided to bait him with small mice, and then catch him in a cage.

The Prep views Xavier as a great draw- in for eighth graders considering the Prep.

Having him at events like football games will certainly catch the eyes of prospective

students. Moreover, many students quickly warmed up to him from the moment he arrived. ?He has a very calming presence. Sometimes I just like to stand in the foyer and watch him in his nest,? said Matt McCarney ?21, three days after Xavier?s arrival. The whole

school seemed to be happier with Xavier?s watchful eye on them at all times.

But last Friday, Andy Small ?21, a coxswain on the Prep crew team, did not show up to practice after school. He was last seen heading to the library to print out his chemistry lab report during lunch. His friends, teammates and family have not seen him since.

The suspicious nature of Andy?s disappearance has led some faculty and students to question whether Xavier?s presence at the Prep is completely innocent. The school is divided into two camps, and the outlook does not look peaceful. ?We need justice for Andy! Kill the bird!? said Bubba Burrough ?19, former Prep coxswain and current social activist. On the other side, some call for mercy. ?Xavier is probably just going through a tough time with the transition.

He just needs our support right now,? said Joe Scott ?19. The administration is considering giving the school off for a week to let tensions cool.

Meanwhile, the Prep maintenance staff is currently waiting on a ladder tall enough to reach up to Xavier?s nest.

While some teams at the school have j oined forces with the Hawk, other s str uggle still to incor por ate his presence into a pr actice setting.

The school has been holding nightly vigils in the Gesu Church in honor of Andy and is currently seeking any information that could lead to his safe return.

4 | Creatures | Monday, April 1, 2019 | The Hawkeye

Tr avis M anion, M ission and M inistr y Team Up for ?Retreat, but Never Sur render ?

By Bobby Woltj en ?22 Next year, a brand new retreat will be offered to Prep students, a combination of efforts from the Mission and Ministry Team and the Travis Manion Foundation. The retreat, entitled, ?Retreat, but Never Surrender,? will take place annually for juniors, seniors, and JROTC members.

Mr. Poole of the Mission and Ministry Office ensures a variety of interesting group-

building activities will be offered, followed by reflection afterwards. The retreat will center around resilience and strength. One event involves participants sitting through 20 half-hour homilies in a row.

A commonly heard phrase for this retreat will be: ?If not me, then you, God.? This novel idea will add a new option for upperclassmen more interested in unorthodox retreat activities, like the never-before-seen Marine Boot Camp simulation. It

will involve participants completing each activity of ?The Crucible,? the final test of a Marine Cadet. The 45 mile march will take place from the Prep to the retreat site, and the rest of the events will take place over the course of the retreat.

At the culmination of the retreat, each participant who completes the course, dubbed

by Mission and Ministry as ?The Gauntlet,? will not only gain a new level of physical

and spiritual enlightenment but will also earn the title of a true TMF Hawk. Prep students are excited for this new option as an alternative to the less physically intense Kairos.

One member of the Prep crew team said, ?45 miles?

Can?t be worse than running up the Art Museum stairs.?

The 4 day retreat, 54 hours of ?The Gauntlet? plus reflection time in between, will also feature 6 extra team- building ac-

tivities and 10 extra leadership activities.

The Mission and Ministry office said that while 54 hours of non-stop strenuous physical labor may seem like a lot for a high school student with no military training, ?It will be similar to 40 days in the desert.? However difficult, this retreat is sure to bring a whole new spin to the retreats at the Prep.

Prep Sells Campus to Temple

By Ned Bur ke ?19

(Photo: Philly.curbed.com)

In December of 2018, Head Coach Gabe Infante accepted an assistant coaching job at Temple University. Little did anyone know, he would have to move even less far than initially thought. As of April 1, 2019, the campus of Saint Joseph?s Prep and all its facilities has been sold to Temple for their long anticipated football stadium.

Due to spending way too much of their financial assets on Free Donut Days and Mariachi Bands, the Prep soon found itself in an immense deficit that even the wealthiest of donors could not cover.

While this financial crisis unfolded, just down Broad Street, the Temple University Football program had a crisis of its own. For years, Temple has been trying to build a stadium on campus, but conflicts with planning and construction made this dream nearly impossible for the growing program. With both of these problems with the neighboring schools, it was only inevitable that they turned to each other.

After two hours of introductions at the initial meeting, the schools struck a deal within thirteen minutes.

The Prep has sold the entirety of its campus and facilities for an undisclosed amount, however, custodial rights of Iggy are still under review. As soon as the school year comes to a close, Temple will immediately begin construction of their new stadium of what once was the Prep campus. While the original plan was to remove the entirety of the Prep facilities, many will be remodeled to suit the stadium?s needs. For example, the school kitchen will serve as the snack bar and the pews from the Church of the Gesu will be the stadium bleachers.

The vision for the new Temple stadium, r ight on the Prep's old campus.

This move certainly comes as a shock to many fellow Preppers. ?I?m shocked!? said Bubba Burrough ?19, a fellow Prepper. Many Prep students are even upset at the decision, while others have no opinion.

Andrew Koh ?19 said, ?I?m

completely indifferent.?

However, each Prepper will be able to take a piece of the Prep with him, as bricks from the Prep?s very walls will be sold as soon as the main buildings are demolished. The Prep?s future location is still widely unknown. Possibilities such as the Zoo, the Moon, and, most

radically of all, suburban New Jersey were all mentioned, but the debate is ongoing.

While it will be a tearful goodbye for many Prep students and staff, many believe it was the best option for the school?s future. While the location and overall

identity of the Prep are important, it was unanimously decided that being better funded was a value carried above all others. Preppers are encouraged to spend the time they can with Mother Prep, before June, the month of the stadium?s erection.

The Hawkeye | Monday, April 1, 2019 |

Features? I Barely Know Her | 5

Cape and Swor d Caught Using Steroids to Enhance Dancing Ability

A Tell-All By David M cCabe '19 We were on our third weekend of "Newsies" when I realized how wrong it was to be "juicing up." Most people think that steroids and performance- enhancing drugs only belong to the realm of sports, but theater is a demanding art, and this practice has been implemented over the past few years.

Before every show in my last four years, there's been a meeting of the entire cast and crew to decide whether or not to use alternative means to better our performances. The answer has always been yes, I'm not sure why we have the meeting at all actually.

We've toyed around with the idea of Voodoo and bribing

professional actors to perform for us, but we settled on steroids because it seemed like the easiest and least-expensive option. Back in '05 when Cape and Sword did Fiddler on the Roof was when they tried animal sacrifice for a bit, but according to Mr. Vaccaro '05, who was a student at the time, "It was just an excuse to miss class time."

I'm writing this today in an attempt to be as transparent as possible about the proceedings behind the big, red, stained, curtain. This isn't like a cry for help or anything. We're still going to keep on doing it. But I just feel like everyone should know because maybe then we can finally level the uneven playing field that currently exists for struggling, male, high school actors.

Cape and Swor d has only been able to keep up their regimen of intense dancing and per for ming with school-funded, per for mance-enhancing dr ugs.

Student Stays Awake in Gesu

By Reza Ali '20 St. Joseph?s Preparatory School is a school built on tradition, morals, and Jesuit Catholic values. Recent stories in the Hawkeye have proved it!

Nevertheless, there are numerous absolutes that will never be broken here at Saint Joe?s: Forensics winning tournaments, students missing homework assignments, all the way to the PA sounding like a freshman reading Latin for the first time. These things are paramount to making the Prep what it is. However, one of our critical identities has been lost, for better or worse. Prep students were awake at Mass.

The Mass, held a week or two ago, was a once in a lifetime spectacle. Like winning a meatball competition in college (I see you Mr. V)! According to eyewitness accounts, our young Prep men were fully in dress code, nodded approvingly throughout the homily, and some even said hello to the Board of Trustees!

They must have learned it?s best to not sleep in front of the school?s biggest supporters. Of course they did. We, here at St.

Joe?s Prep, are intellectuals.

Now, there must be some questions running through your head, ?How could this happen?

Prep kids being somewhat respectful?? Truly, the impossible has happened. Nevertheless, many others thought we would never see this day. According to an anonymous allgirls school junior, ?I never thought I would see the day that Prep kids would show any form of respect. Maybe I?ll show up for a mixer.?

I was able to sit down with everyone?s favorite good boy, Ignacio JosĂŠ. His response to this newfound respect from the student body: ?Woof.? Iggy was last seen peeing on Mr. Pinto and myself in the foyer.

He was the most behaved boy in this school, until our students became somewhat more behaved then a dog.

All in all, this is a huge step up for our student body. Maybe next year I?ll have a story on the Prep?s students respecting teachers and their nieces! Good work boys, we?re living up to that ?best Catholic school in Philadelphia? ranking.

Senior Gleb Perevozchikov '19 awake in the Gesu.

6 | We're Really Ambitious | Monday, April 1, 2019 | The Hawkeye

Breaking: Freshman Has a Gir lfr iend

By Joe Scott '19 News spread through the cafeteria this Monday when Freshman Henry Davis was asked about what he did this weekend. He was quick to tell that he?d spent his Friday and Saturday nights with what he referred to as his ?girlfriend.?

Bystanders were quick to question and quicker to affront.

Not every freshman was as believing. Many questioned Davis, Alex DiGiacomo?22 stated, ?I?d like to know her name, you know? It just doesn?t seem likely, I need

The two factions began to separate, as many members of the class believed Davis, while an equal sum did not. The cafeteria was split by the freshman lunch period, with fierce arguments on both sides.

In the midst of the argument in favor of or against Davis, he was able to add slightly more information. ?Yeah, she has like, long hair. Like to here.

[He gestured to his shoulder.]

She?s cool, and like, pretty and all.? The confidence with which he said that was noticeable.

From the crowd, a nonbeliever challenged him, stating that despite their living in the same neighborhood as Bobby Woltjen ?22, and questioning why he has never met the girlfriend. Davis responded

(Photo: Gab Bass '19)

Many of the freshmen that witnessed or heard the rumors believed their peer Joe Pecora ?22, an eyewitness of the first telling of Davis?s ?girlfriend,? stated that, ?Yeah, I?d never heard of one of my friends having one of those. I guess it was bound to happen at some point but I didn?t think at least until college.?

some kind of proof. A picture would work. Also maybe if she has friends that we could ask. I can ask them, if you give me their number.?

Freshmen searching social media for any sliver of proof that Davis is tr uly dating an actual gir l. simply that, ?you don?t know her, she goes to a different school.?

Sophomores began chiming in too, Nile Andah ?21 went so far as to say, ?Yeah I had a

girlfriend freshman year too.?

When asked his thoughts, Senior Nate Aiken simply stated, ?Freshman's got a girlfriend?

Oh, word.?

questioning the validity of Davis?s claim, he remains confident as a boyfriend saying, ?Yeah she?s away the next few weekends so you probably can?t_meet_her.?

Although there are arguments

M r. Camma: K mar t to M ath Smar ts

By Alex Cur r ie ?21 Former standout Kmart security guard Gregory Camma has apparently transitioned from aisle 3 to J300, from the men?s department to the math department at the Prep. The first day of school came as a surprise to many students whose first instruction in his class included the Kmart phonetic alphabet.

Students were surprised when they walked into their ?math? class only to find a room lit-

tered with Britney Spears posters and female death metal music blaring from Mr. Camma?s speakers. What they did find, though was a semiprofessional circle drawer. It seems as though his 12 years of art school finally paid off.

Mr. Camma said, ?At Kmart I really didn?t have a lot of opportunity to explore my passion, but here at the Prep my inspiration channeled through the great Bob Ross as a guide, I feel at peace.?

Mr. Camma?s transition from the lawless aisles of Kmart, where his job included knocking down doors and taking names, to the halls of the Prep was not exactly difficult. He apparently brings a wealth of experience from his former job. His boss banned him from using the Kmart walkie talkies for standing backwards in an elevator and panicking when it didn?t stop on the 13th floor, he caused an 11 mile backup on I- 95 in a Kmart patrol car

the day before Thanksgiving, put a Krispy Kreme in North Jersey out of business, and he once blew an undercover operation for wearing the same baseball shirt every day.

A sophomore recently recalled, ?The thing with Camma is before he says anything he says ?You?re not gonna believe this.? It sort of makes me not believe anything he says.? Another student said, ?Yeah, Mr. Camma?s cool and all, but I?m

not sure he knows those 12 years of art school didn?t pay off.?

In the end Mr. Camma was forced to find new work after the last Kmart was shut down due to that corporation?s bankruptcy. The one thing he said he was going to miss was ?all the free McDonald?s we got,? and ?the Kmart soft ball games? but looks forward to honing his art skills as a teacher here in the future.

(Photo: Joe Scott '19)

Community Hour Replaced by Full Community Day

Pictured are a few of the students who go nowhere dur ing Community Hour. Star ting Apr il 1st, they will be able to wander aimlessly or sit in boredom doing absolutely nothing for the entire day.

As the year goes on, changes to Community Hour are ever present. Changes such as Study Halls now being disguised on the scheduler as ?Review? and the ridding of Advisory on Monday. One notable problem is the fact that Community ?Hour? is still fifty minutes

long. However, Community Hour as we know it will soon be revolutionized farther than ever expected. Effective April 1st, Community Hours will be combined to make a Community Day. Many in the Prep community

believed that Community Hour needed a change. Joseph Scott ?19 said, ?Today, I just walked in circles in the MPR during Community Hour.? Hearing the needs of both the students and the teachers, Prep leadership thought Community Day was easily the best option.

Each week will feature four community- free days with Tuesday being the Community Day. Friday was originally the best option for Community Day option but since the Prep seldome has school on Fridays, Community Day was penciled in for Tuesday. The day will start with Advisory from 8:2510:00. The sole use for this time is for students to log onto the Adaptive Schedule and find something to sign up for. Students must pick one option to spend the next four and a half hours with.

With this large block of time, many have jumped at the chance for new events. There will now be a four hour long dodgeball game, with no stops or timeouts. It will be a true test of endurance and strength.

Another option will be Film Discussion Club in which the entire film is watched and discussed throughout the entire period. An option that was

mentioned was listening to the full morning announcements, but the four hour period was considered too short for this purpose. Other options will be announced upon the arrival of Community Day. Students have mixed responses to Community Day. Joe McCabe ?20 said, ?I?ll probably still sign up for Study Hall.? Some seniors have uncharacteristically enthusiastic responses.

Isaiah Franco, ?Imagine how much we could get done with so much Community Time! So much club activity!? More voices are sure to come when Community Day is instituted.

As part of a Jesuit Institution, the Prep always strives to use time effectively and efficiently. All signs point to Community Day achieving this goal. The Prep hopes to achieve even more with this extra long community time.

The Hawkeye | Monday, April 1, 2019 |

And More Than a Bit Underfunded | 7

Student of the Week: M r. Pohlig

By Jack Thorell '19 You might catch him always lingering around 4th floor J-Hall after L atin class, or setting record times for the indoor track team, but how much do you really know about this issue?s student of the week, Jonathan Pohlig?

Pohlig, who?s current GPA is unknown, as the inquiry was met with awkward laughter and no answer, never a good sign for that question, prides himself on working hard on his academics. A few of Pohlig?s peers weighed in on how he is in the classroom. ?Oh, that kid?? said L iam Grugan ?19. ?He?s my guy. Super good at L atin, but like, to the point where he thinks he runs the place. I?m over here minding my own business, tryna Snapchat under the desk, and he comes over to teach me how to translate and call me out on the phone, acting like he?s my

superior, instead of my peer.?

Grugan is not the only student to see Pohlig excel at what he does and take charge as a leader, much to the chagrin of envious peers. ?Pohlig is fast, but he has to get over the fact that he wasn?t voted captain of the team,? states runner Ned Burke ?19. ?He?s always bossing us around, which, as a senior, is super frustrating.

I thought he might?ve been my year honestly, because it feels like he?s been around for a while, but he doesn?t have a sweater or any classes with me, so he clearly isn?t and needs to chill.

We get it, man, you?re gunning for captain next year.?

While people note Pohlig?s general likeability, he?s not immune to fits of

hysteria, a common side effect of the sleep schedule of Prep students. ?Yeah, you?ll be talking to him in the hallways, and he?ll slip in a phrase like ?When I was a student here,? or ?Grugan, for the last time, I?m an employee? or something crazy like that,? Grugan elaborates. ?A nd he carries around that crazy fake teacher ID. I?m like, look at yourself, Jon. You and I could pass for eighteen at best.?

It's important to note that Jon Pohlig has planned a Community Period assembly to tell the student body that he is, indeed, a teacher in his thirties, and not, in fact, a student.

Jonathan Pohlig is by far the funniest student St. Joe's Prep has to offer!

How much do you really know about this issue?s student of the week, Jonathan Pohlig?

Camma Gr id

By Jacob Whitman '22 M r. Gregor y Camma

M r. Gregor y Camma

M r. Gregor y Camma

M r. Gregor y Camma

Who are you?

Happy Camma

Still Camma, but par anoid

Still Camma, but this time he is angr y

Swedish Camma

Who is your favor ite dog? (Well except I ggy of cour se, we all agree that I ggy is Best Dog)

Spike from Needles, Califor nia

Why?

Who needs to know?

I don't like dogs...so, fish...Swedish Fish

How do you feel about math?

381,654,729

Any answer with Pi

Any Answer without Pi

?

What is your favor ite non-Br itney Spear s song?

I Hate Ever ything About You

I Think I 'm Par anoid

Another One Bites the Dust

Dancing Queen

What is your plan for wor ld domination?

Fir st get a Prep education.

Seems like too much wor k.

I ?ll wait it out

Whรถ cares?

8 | Help? | Monday, April 1, 2019 | The Hawkeye (Photo: Screen Rant)

M aster mind Behind Ever y I nsinuation in The Hawkeye Whether it was your name misspelled, a topic was assigned that you did not like, or your club failed to get mentioned, you can be sure of one thing: it was an intentional and coordinated conspiracy all run by the man at the top, Mr. Leo Vaccaro ?05.

Even though he had long been rumored to be the man with his finger in every pie, a new report released by the Prep?s Professional Standards Committee nevertheless proved to be shocking when it confirmed that indeed no opinion got published in the Hawkeye unless it was at the explicit consent of Vaccaro.

Almost a decade of articles, editorials, photos, and opinion pieces served as parts of a

concerted and highly organized effort to cause trouble with various constituencies at the Prep. ?Seems kind of strange that someone would spend so much time and energy trying to cause problems through a student-run newspaper,? said Mr. Andrew Whelan, who taught Mr. Vaccaro as a journalism student at the Prep. ?But I knew all along that something was fishy.? ?I still cannot believe the extent to which this corruption went,? said Bill Conners, ?80, a colleague in the History department. ?But I knew to stay on his good side because I was afraid that something bad would be printed about me in the paper if I wasn?t nice to him.?

"I always knew he was out to get us," said Ebony Porter, who had long been suspecting that Vaccaro disagreed with the ideas of diversity and inclusion at the Prep.

The report released late on Thursday revealed that Vaccaro had conspired to put together as much as the paper as he could by himself. From the moment when articles were assigned to when the issues were printed, Vaccaro used the paper to sow discord and wreak havoc. Vaccaro kept a long list of colleagues he did not like and avoided placing them in the beloved ?Faculty Grid.? Moreover, he forced students to put their names on opinion pieces that he had indeed ghost authored.

?I had a particularly spicy take on how the Math department should be abolished,? said Sophomore Barry Lyndon. ?Vaccaro encouraged me to turn that spicy take and ramp it up into the hottest of takes that I could.

Surprisingly, the board & administration read my column with great interest and now 9 people are out of jobs, all ostensibly because of the opinion of a 15 year old boy.

But in reality, it was the nefarious workings of Vaccaro that got the job done and a major change accomplished.

And that was done through the school newspaper of all institutions!?

When asked for an explanation for his actions, Vaccaro was unrepentant.

?When I was in college I watched the 1933 classic German film The Testament of Dr. Mabuse, and decided what I wanted to do with my life,? said Vaccaro.

(Photo: Lil Uzi Himself)

By Joe Pecor a '22

?I, like Mabuse, wanted to be an evil mastermind, controlling the world around with a supernatural web of deceit and crime," said Vaccaro. "The Hawkeye has allowed me to live that life to the fullest, which is amazing for a paper with a $5,000 printing budget, and 2 adult staff members. But look at all the things we ruined and the fear we sowed with just that! Imagine all the damage I could cause with tens of thousands of dollars and dozens of adults working for the club!?

M r. M cCloskey '91 Becomes the Newest Str ict L atin Teacher

By Gar rett M cCloskey '21

Mr. Brian McCloskey announced his decision to take his many, endless (adjectives are self- proclaimed) talents to the Classics Department last Tuesday. ?Classics teacher?will be the thirtieth title McCloskey will hold at the Prep. He began his freshman year at 17th and Girard in September of 1987. He was the self- appointed president of the Corduroy Enthusiast Club. After graduation, McCloskey attended Fairfield University, majoring in ?How to Convince People that you Actually Have a Job.?

McCloskey, who frequently loses to his son in 1-on-1 basketball, began his professional career as an assistant Prep dodgeball coach under head coach, Peter La Fleur. He worked his way up to lunchroom monitor, and was most recently a member of the Admissions Office. McCloskey

Mr. McCloskey, who graduated with ?cum condemnatione? honors, believes his summers spent in Latin America adequately prepared him for his next endeavors. ?We spoke a tongue that wasn?t English,? said McCloskey of his experiences. ?They spoke differently up there. I can?t say I definitely knew what they were saying.?

Mr. McCloskey, who often cheats in Monopoly, was taught ?Repititito is studirm matir? during his Holy Child days. The simple phrase means, ?Repetition is the mother of all study.? It is one of his favorite Latin phrases; second, only to ?Hakuna Matata.?

Many struggling Prep Latinists, myself included, realize classical languages requires great attention to detail. McCloskey?s attention to detail may be called into question.

He was noted for his ADD (Attention-Deficit Disorder) in high school.

Mr. McCloskey recalls struggling to focus as the Prep?s backup quarterback during the 1989 and 1990 seasons.

(Photo: Brian McCloskey '91, "The Personal Files")

Brian McCloskey ?91 was sitting in the back row of Ms. Adkins?s freshman Latin class, afraid to translate, ?Agricola est bona.? Neither McCloskey nor Ms. Adkins could foresee the same young, confused fourteen year- old on the other side of the podium.

says the best part of having his own office is that it allows him to discretely browse eBay for sportcoats. McCloskey also has a son who apparently uses his father?s lunch account too often.

?A lot of times I would come to the sideline and Coach Carlin would ask, ?Why didn?t you run that play we called??? said McCloskey. ?Most times, from the time I left the sideline, to the time I got to the huddle, I would forget what play was called. I would use my natural athleticism to change a six yard loss to a three yard loss.?

His lone start occurred in the Catholic League opener in 1990. His team went winless throughout the season and scored two total touchdowns? one was on defense. ?I speak for all of my colleagues in the Classics Department when I say that no words can adequately express our feelings right now,? says Classics teacher, Mr. Dougherty ?93. ?Mr. McCloskey certainly left a mark on Latin courses when he was a student here in the early 90's. He comes with the unequivocal support of members of the national and international Classics Community, including such luminaries as F. Otto O'Lafferty, President Suffect of the American Soci-

Photo edited and submitted by Br ian M cCloskey '91. The photo will be proj ected dur ing M r. M cCloskey's classes. ety of Latinists, and Regina di Scemi, Chair of Lettere Antiche at the UniversitĂ di Roma (La Sapienza). Indeed next year promises to be a sacer annus.?

When Mr. McCloskey learned of his unanimous approval to the Classics Department post, he offered two words of advice to incoming students: ?Cave canem."

The Hawkeye | Monday, April 1, 2019 |

Are You Not Entertained?| 9

Ar tist Spotlight: Second Floor Stalls

By Jacob Whitman '22 The second-floor stall vandal has been wreaking havoc on the Prep?s bathroom, leaving many students in the bathroom admiring bittersweet poetry and impressionist art on their daily trip to the golden throne.

From the vulgar rhymes reminiscent to those of Walt Whitman, to the renditions of Vincent Van-Gogh?s starry night adorning the stall wall, nothing seems off the table regarding what the Prep students are able to accomplish.

The Prep?s bathrooms are still the most frequently visited rooms in the school, with hundreds of visitors per day.

Prep students, when asked their opinions about the Prep?s newest artist, responded with, ?Bob Moss changes lives everyday with his inspiring words,? ?How did you get inside my house?,? and ?Bob Moss was the leader of an underground peladophobian movement.? It is quite clear that these crime lords are here to stay, and will not go anytime soon.

When asked for an interview, the notorious crime lord and unknown writer declined, saying, ?Look, I?m not him,

and I have no clue about why you?re talking to me in the bathroom stall.? When pressed on the issue further, the artist refused to answer. Upon further questioning, it was concluded that this student was not him.

One of the artist?s most recent work depicts a hastily drawn Mona Lisa with an abnormally small forehead.

This piece seemed to be symbolic of how small a student feels in relation to the whole student body, while the whole student body acts as one entity and keeps pursuing the sacred witch?s eye. This piece is very touching and brings a new meaning to the word ?stall?. Bob Moss is now a wanted fugitive of the Student Council and will be publicly shamed during Community Period on later this month.

most common of which is via salt. During the interview, Bob Moss described himself as a ?Revolutionary? and a ?Guardian of the Stalls?. When asked about his motive for committing such crimes, he responded by unhinging his jaw and emitting a high pitched noise, sounding like that of a thousand screams.

When he finished screaming, he closed his mouth and

nodded thoughtfully to any question that was asked to him.

His fingers soon grew into flesh colored paint brushes, with newly cleaned brush hairs where his fingernails used to be, changing the landscape around him.

After the interview was finished, he proceeded to slowly blink in and out of existence, until he was nothing but a figment of imagination.

After the recent bathroom bandit heist, where hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of artwork were destroyed, it is unknown how the group of vandals will fight against this unrelenting force of art destroyers. Is this really what we have come to as a newspaper? Reporting about the bathroom stalls? Either way, this is a sleep deprived writer, and I am out.

While also bringing new meaning to the school, a mysterious ghost artist, Mr. Fodgers and Mr. Penguin, have made their artistry debut in the stalls. Although these two can be contacted through normal means, others can be quite hard to talk to.

The only way to contact Bob Moss is through very ?unconventional? means, the

The second-floor stall Vandal has been wreaking havoc on the Prep?s bathroom, leaving many students admir ing bitter sweet poetr y and impressionist ar t on their daily tr ip to the golden throne.

LOCKER SPACE FOR RENT Ever feel as though one locker i s not enough for your sports bag or personal belongi ngs?

Worry no m ore!

Hi , m y nam e i s Ti m m y Paddyw agon '21, and I'm look i ng to rent out the low er half of m y locker to fund m y post-basketball chocolate m i lk budget.

Real i nqui ri es only, call 911 or stop by Locker 219 duri ng lunch.

Want to take out an ad in the next issue?

Please?

10 | Thoughts, Stories? | Monday, April 1, 2019 | The Hawkeye

L il Uzi to Per for m at Prep Homecoming

Senior Wor ds of Wisdom

By L iam Gr ugan '19

By Tom Avington ?20 Prep favorite and North Philly?s own, Lil Uzi Vert, is performing at Prep Homecoming! Mr. Vert and the Prep go way back. Remember when all those Prep kids were randomly lining up outside school on Girard Avenue? That was because Vert was at a house on Girard ?recording Eternal Atake,? according to some scrawny sophomore.

Juxtaposition Hypothetical Semi-Satir ical Per sonification Extr aor dinar y Or dinar y Sur rogate Supplementar y Plausible Claws Ger iatr ic Plentiful Cer amic

Vert, a Francisville native, was asked by the Student Council last week, about performing.

Student Council asked, ?Yooooooooo Uzi, wanna perform at Proco next year?? and Vert responded, ?It?s only my

third day out here, I?on know.?

Student Council decided that was a yes, so now Mr. Vert is performing at Homecoming.

I asked junior Cain Clouser, a diehard Uzi fan who stays up until midnight everyday just in case Vert?s Eternal Atake ever drops, what he thought about Uzi performing, ?Nice.?

Brendan Feeney ?20 said, ?If it isn?t Tee Grizzley, I don?t want him.?

Anthony Ventresca ?20, a 6ix9ine fan (which makes his music opinion is questionable), said ?I do not believe you.?

Prep students should be really excited to see this unknown star make his start at the Prep.

Student Council requested Uzi to which he replied on I nstagr am DM , " I t's only my thir d day out here, I 'on know."

Prep M adness Par t 2

Not taking this survey Wearing sweatpants because you didn't check because you "broke Wearing sweatpants Not taking this survey your email your arm" because you "broke because you didn't check Not taking this survey your arm" your email because you didn't check Mistaking ASC guys Complaining about your email for seniors food Not taking this survey Wearing sweatpants because you didn't check your because you "broke email your arm" Annotate pages, don't Annotate Only reading Dark Humor read pages you The Hawkeye's didn't read headlines

Winner

Leaving trash on the lunch tables

Not taking this survey because you didn't check your email

Sleeping during Mas

Only reading The Hawkeye's headlines Cynicism Cynicism

Procrastination

Cynicism

Not Signing Up for Community Hour

Procrastination "Did you do the lab yet?"

"Did you do the lab yet?"

"Did you do the lab yet?"

Being Kicked Out of the Library

Cynicism

After the fir st successful installment of discover ing the most " Prep" thing, The Hawkeye is back at it again for Round 2.

Getting dress The Patriarchy down day money "from your locker" Getting dress down day money "from your locker"

The Hawkeye | Monday, April 1, 2019 |

Teachers Are People Too | 11

Opinion: I ?m Just a Nor mal Guy Who Spends His Weekends Star ing at a Blank White Wall

By M r. K evin K ear ney '06 Throughout my seven years of teaching at the Prep, I?ve noticed that students often view their teachers as strange curiosities. Whenever I happen to run into students somewhere outside of school -- at the mall, or on the subway, or at a Phillies game - - they always seem to be confused, as if teachers don?t exist outside of the walls of the Prep. In reality, we have fulfilling and rich personal lives outside of the time we spend teaching.

Take this last weekend, for instance. On Friday, as soon as I finished grading a stack of essays and preparing all of my lessons for the following week, I rushed home so that I could begin indulging in my favorite past time: staring intently at a

blank white wall for hours on end.

I know, I know. You assumed every fiber of my being is dedicated to thinking about Hamlet and The Canterbury Tales.

You assumed that I couldn?t possibly be counting down the minutes on a Friday, waiting for the final bell to ring. Well, you assumed wrong. I may seem like some didactic automaton who only exists to further your education, but in reality I?m just a normal guy who shuts himself off from the rest of society for days at a time to take in the soothing tranquility of spatial absence.

I know my hobby may sound strange to you. It?s certainly no Snapchat, but consider for a

second that we?re from different generations and therefore see things a bit differently.

You?re interested in the latest technology; I?m interested in successive days of absolute silence. You like pizza and soda; I treat myself to a sleeve of saltines and a glass of lukewarm water on Sunday mornings. Really, once you break it down in those terms, it?s clear that we?re not so different after all.

So, the next time you assume that your teacher only exists to serve your academic needs, I hope you remember this article. Teachers are just like anyone else: they?re real people, with real lives. To suggest otherwise would be absurd.

K ear ney '06 wants students to know that teacher s are stable people.

Pictured above is an example of M r. K ear ney's favor ite thing to look at. Feel free to tr y it out!

12| Opinion and Deflate | Monday, April 1, 2019 | The Hawkeye

The Cross- or I guess Hawkwor d

By Those Two L ocal K ids Who Were Not Close Before the Prep but K ind of Are Now '21 Start Here....

Down: 1. Um it's like a bir d?

2. Yeah I kinda for get 3. Huh 5 Hey, do you remember Dylan from gr ade-school?

7. Dylan H or Dylan K ?

8. Dylan K 9. Oh yeah, what's up with him?

Across: 4. Apparently he's tr ansfer r ing in next year 6. Where was he at before?

7. O'Har a?

10. No, that was Dylan H 11. No, they both went there 12. Oh, that's r ight... That's cool though, Dylan K 's a good dude 13. The capital of Par aguay

Follow us on I nstagram and Twitter @SJPHawkeye or read our issues online at issuu.com/thehawkeye6

The Hawkeye Staff St. Joseph's Prepar ator y School 1733 West Gir ar d Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19130 L et Us Go Home

I nstagr am Celebr ities

Thomas Avington '20

LiAm GrUgAn '19

Niko Sammartino '19

Joel Falcon '20

DaViD mCbAbE '19

Christopher Zack '20

Denis Gallagher '20

jOe sCoTt '19

Tyler Konrad '20 Par ticipation Trophy Winner s

Jason Mattera '20

Coolest K id Ever

Robbie Calabro '19

Colin McHale '20

Ned Burke '19

Frank Coyne '19

Marcus Murphy '20

Jacob DeAnnuntis '19

Matthew Bae '21

Ever yone's Future Boss

Scott Hibbs '19

Alex Currie '21

Carl Whittington '19

Matt Marhefka '19

Seamus Schultz '21

I f you are inter ested in contr ibuting mater ials to the Hawkeye, contact our email (below) to submit an ar ticle, photogr aph, pizza slice, or to wr ite a letter to the editor. L etter s should be approximately equal to the length of the entire Book of Genesis.

Hawkeye@sj prep.or g

Garrett McCloskey '21 Has Anyone Seen

Ever yone Else

Murphy Bonner '22

Christian Giuliani '19?

Pat Adams '19

Matthew Corr '22

Alex Cabulong '19

Thomas Crocker '22

Secur ity Guar d (Huge)

Ava Donatucci '19

Danny Deeney '22

Jack Thornell '19

Pat Diviny '19

Alex DiGiacomo '22

Kevin Latu '19

Brennan Fitzgerald '22

Double Agent

John Leuzzi '19

Ethan Spillane '22

Ricky Weipz '19

Nick Mattera '19

Bobby Woltjen '22

Joe Matthews '19

" The M ature Ones"

Captain of Embezzling

Conor McCabe '19

Mr. Leo Vaccaro '05

Andrew Koh '19

Andrew Shapiro '19

Mr. Kevin Kearney '06

Reza Ali '20

All mater ials pr inted by the Hawkeye are intended to both enter tain and infor m the Prep community as well as cultivate an environment that gener ates meaningful and productive discussion. The opinions and beliefs expressed in the advertisements and ar ticles in this publication do not necessar ily reflect the values or mission of the Hawkeye Student Newspaper of St. Joe's Prep.

The Hawkeye | Monday, April 1, 2019 |

Jorts | 13

Opinion: M r. Poole Not ASC

By Jason M atter a '20 It may come as a shock to most of the Prep community, but Mr. Poole, who works in the Mission and Ministry office, is allegedly not a member of the Alumni Service Corps (ASC). We do not see him very often, he reminds everyone just a little bit of a frat boy, and he is new to the Prep, so this has led some to the seemingly rightful conclusion that he is an ASC member, however a

careful inspection of the Prep website revealed that he is, in fact, a paid employee.

Not only is he technically a non- ASC faculty member, but he is also in charge of all service here at the Prep. I asked Mr. Poole a few questions about his ?positIon,? including how he felt about most of the student body believing that he is an ASC. In his answer, Mr. Poole gave some revealing information about his identity,

never explicitly stating, however, that he wasn?t ASC, therefore strengthening my resolve that he just might be. He said, ?Flattered. I live in my parents house and I go to high school every day. I?m just happy they don?t think I?m a transfer student.? One vital piece of information, whether or not the accusations are true, was left out of his statement. I also asked him what he can do to get himself more involved

and he said, ?Be here next year. Then at least I'll be the ASC who was asked to stay and is now a salaried employee.? In this statement, Mr. Poole claims that he is an ASC and will be one, again, next year. Quite the mixed message for our student body. I think the Prep community should be given some actual proof on whether or not he is an ASC. Physical documents would solve this mystery on Mr.

Poole?s true identity at the Prep. For now, we?re left with nothing but questions about who this man truly is.

If he is an ASC, why is he keeping this from the Prep? Is he spying on other ASCs? If no one knows that he is an ASC, does he think he can keep that same job next year? We as a Prep community do not know the answer to this foreboding mystery. Additionally, has anyone ever ACTUALLY seen Mr. Poole?

L et ter to the Editor (s): From Susan M cFiercenan M M A '19 Hey, so I 'm a senior at M er ion, and I 've been commuting to school with the help of the Prep for four year s... I 'm absolutely not saying that there has been anything wrong with this exper ience, but, fr ankly, there's something that's been bother ing me for a little while and I feel like I ought to say something...

You guys know you can talk to us, r ight?

L ike, do they tell you that you can't? Are we intimidating to you somehow? I s there something you're j ust not telling us?

Ever y single mor ning, I sit by the trophy case with a 24 oz. hazelnut coffee from Wawa and a Butter scotch K r impet, and, ever y single mor ning, without fail, you guys pretend like I 'm not here! I t's even gotten to the point where, when I wave to my boyfr iend, Joseph Schmetter linge '20, he looks at his feet and walks by!

We don't wish to hur t you! We liter ally j ust want to be fr iends or at the ver y least on fr iendly ter ms! But the I ron Cur tain, as we've come to refer to the conglomer ate of your par ticular ly awkwar d students with br aces, is r idiculous!

Thus, in conj unction with my sister s, I have compiled this list of requests on behalf of the dignity of the distinct por tion of the M er ion student body which, for fifteen minutes ever y mor ning, shares your space on its way to school, directed towar ds those of you with whom we do not wish to speak: 1. Pushing your shy fr iend towar ds us as a j oke saying " go talk to them, Dylan!" is about as funny as the confidence you put on to conceal your inner shame.

2. Would you Jer sey kids please stop walking slowly in the off-chance that one of us decides by Divine I nspir ation to stop you and star t up a conver sation? We're tired, you're blocking liter ally our only bathroom and it's your home base: your move.

3. I f you're listening to music with an offensive depiction of women, at the ver y least, have the decency to whistle or hum over it so that your insecur ities in your masculinity are not absolutely evident. I f we wished to see your ineptitude, we'd ask you to Har vest M oon.

Finally, if there is a donut giveaway, we would like to for mally request the ability to purchase said pastr ies. We'd hope for a pr ice equal to that asked of our male companions, but realize, having seen the social media presence of the student body, that this may cause fur ther concer n.

Best, Susan

An Open L etter to the M er ion Foyer Gir ls

By Jason M atter a '20 Recent reports have leaked a direct quote from a Merion Mercy Academy sophomore, preferring to remain anonymous, on her presence in the Prep foyer each morning. This student was overheard telling a Prep sophomore, ?You know you can talk to us, right??

False. As the majority of Prep students know, specifically those who have walked by the theater in the morning between 7:45-8:00, that time is horrifying. This is especially

true for juniors, who park in the lot and come through the 17th St. entrance and therefore know the walk of shame all too well. You feel as if you are being judged by every single Merion girl sitting there in the hallway as you rush past, averting your eyes. To those who have not experienced this, or have avoided them every morning, please let me know how you were able to accomplish such a hard and noble task. No matter where you enter the building each day, there is a high likelihood a Merion

girl will catch sight of you, and subsequently stare daggers at you during your trip to the lockers.

Occasionally, my friends will get a text from a Merion girl saying to come down and say hi. Absolutely not. We will not go. Nothing wrong with the person per se, but as soon as a Prep student approaches the ?line,? the judgment begins. ?Who is this person?? ?Why is he talking to her?? ?Should we say something?? ?No. Let?s keep looking at him and make

him feel more uncomfortable.?

These are just some of the questions and statements that go through the minds of the Merion girls, and terrify Prep guys. Some guys believe that the invitation, ?You can come talk to me in the morning,? is a trap, and that after walking within a few feet of the line, it is impossible to escape. Now, personally, I don?t believe this conspiracy theory to be true, but such a trap is quite possible. Since we avoid the girls in the morning, we don?t actually hear what they talk about. I?ve

heard stories of a select number of students who were brave enough to approach the ?line,? but all were too traumatized to relay the content of these encounters. They go too far into the belly of the beast to come out the same. If you or a loved one has been ridiculed by the stare of a Merion girl in the foyer each morning, you are not alone. Do not hesitate to reach out. And do not, under any circumstances, talk to them.

14 | Big Guys | Monday, April 1, 2019 | The Hawkeye

Student Benches Probably L ike 275, Hasn't Checked Number in a While

By Robbie Calabro '19

But back to Nate and his 275 lb bench. He said that the ?spiritual gains of the Eucharist are outweighed by the deleterious impact it will have on my cut.? The selfproclaimed Catholic did not receive at the recent St. Joseph?s Day Mass, prioritizing external muscles over eternal life.

Everybody knows that students at the Prep are known for incredible feats of intelligence in the classroom and athleticism on the field. But a smaller fraction of students are making the case that they should be the most celebrated students at the school.

Recognizable by their gallon jugs of water that are always half- full, insistence on using the microwave to heat their brown rice and chicken packed in an intense meal- prep session, and constant complaining of the infamous yet necessary ?leg day,? these students are hard to miss.

The ringleader of this evergrowing group, who wishes to remain anonymous because ?he hasn?t cut yet so his bi?s and tri?s aren?t toned enough,? is most proud of his max bench press. For the sake of clarity in this article, let?s refer to him as Nate. ?[My bench] is probably around 250 or 275. I?m not too sure because I just throw a couple plates on, chug some C4, and clap my hands a few times before eyeing up the bar.

All the girls at the gym forget

(Photo: St. Joe's Prep)

Thorell '19 paid me to put a shir tless picture of him in this ar ticle, but to save ever yone's vision, here is a picture of I ggy instead. what they?re doing when they hear and see my superset,? explained Nate when asked to elaborate on his proclivity to only work the upper body.

He is not alone in his pursuit of dinner plate sized pecs. Stu-

dent Council President Thomas Dintino ?19 enjoys letting people know he is ?getting gains? by posting updates on his Snapchat. He aspires to be a gymshark ambassador - ?You can use the code Dintino225 at checkout for $10 off.?

Senior Jack Thorell ?19, who is a member of the Cape and Sword Drama society and subsequently has a complete, and I cannot stress this enough, dearth of muscles, aspires to be like Nate. ?Once I get muscles I will finally be able to talk to girls as pretty as Nate.?

He later clarified the statement, explaining that he wants to talk to girls as pretty as the ones Nate talks to, and not as pretty as Nate himself.

One thing is clear: this 275

lbs bench press is the only factor separating the Nate?s and Jack?s of the world. It could even be more than 275, given the description of Nate?s routine earlier.

Let?s do the math. A standard bar is 45 lbs. A ?plate? is typically 45 lbs. If he adds ?a couple of plates? from his local Lifetime Fitness, presumably equal amounts to each side, that is 4x45 lbs. That adds up to 225 lbs, a far cry from the impressive 275 lbs proclaimed earlier.

Could he be lying? The investigation will continue as images of ?Nate? lifting are sure to ?accidentally? appear on social media.

A final comment from the student claims that ?275 isn?t even [his] max.? Updates to follow.

Use the code Dintino225 at checkout for 10% off your or der.

WSJP Slated to Broadcast National L atin Exam

By Fr ank Coyne '19

test.

What is the one thing that every Prep student will experience during his high school career? If you answered anything like ?a football game? or ?many sleepless nights?, you?re right, but the correct answer is the National Latin Exam, known as the NLE by all the coolest Classics scholars.

In addition, all this attention has created the need for a new venue for the event. In keeping with historical accuracy, the Plaza parking lot will be transformed into a scale model of the Roman Colosseum. This spectacle will be witnessed by all the upperclassmen (except for the few nerds that still take Latin). There will also be side features to keep the attendees from succumbing to a slow and painful death by boredom.

These will include Mr. Mullen wrestling a grizzly bear while playing the drums and Mr. Dougherty smiling, among others.

Don?t fret if this isn?t the first thing that came to mind, as in years past it has been a very low- key affair. That will soon change, though, if WSJP has anything to say about it, and trust me they do. Led by John Leuzzi ?19 and Ricky Weipz ?19, WSJP will be doing an indepth analysis of the exam, covering past questions and doing a complete profile of each of the students taking the

At the conclusion of the exam, all the underclassmen will fight to the death in a Hunger Games style battle

royale. In anticipation of the excitement, the Prep has lifted its ban on student gambling and is now taking a portion of all bets placed in a desperate attempt to avoid raising tuition.

Depending on how much these changes benefit the student body, there could be more additions of a similar nature to the WSJP schedule. Suggestions include a March Madness style midterm week and playby- play coverage of Iggy?s day.

(Photo: @SJPBroadcasting)

The " Voice of all things Prep" will broadcast the NL E entirely in L atin, the or iginal language of St. Joe's Prep students.

Of course, WSJP will also make up some far-fetched reason to spend a long weekend in Florida. Perhaps they will be providing coverage of an equally absurd forensics trip. If you?re wondering how Latin could possibly get any worse, tune in to WSJP for the answer.

Tune in to BlogTalkRadio.com/WSJP for all of the NL E action!

The Hawkeye | Monday, April 1, 2019 |

Sporks | 15

Brother K ania Named Offensive Coor dinator swiftness and strength, Kania emerged as a five- star college recruit. Kania chose to forgo a college football career that gifted him with offers from Alabama, USC, Notre Dame, Drexel, La Salle, and St. Joseph?s. Instead, he pursued his passion? arm wrestling.

Kania perfected his practice daily. He began arm wrestling at the age of four and became a professional wrestler at 22. He would use his match earnings to purchase art, another passion of his. However, the sudden closure of Kania?s own newly- founded Philadelphia Arm Wrestling Academy forced his early retirement.

Prep icon Bro K ania has been named the Prep's offensive coor dinator in wake of Tim Roken becoming head coach.

By Gar rett M cCloskey '21 His third- grade flag football team saw a special fire growing in his eyes. A young Paul Kania was beginning a football journey that would bring him from Yonkers, to Florida, to the Prep football sidelines.

Unbeknownst to Kania, his fifty- year career in the classroom was only a short pit stop in his historic football career.

When Tim Roken became Prep football?s newest head coach, he left a gaping hole at the offensive coordinator post.

Luckily for the Prep community, Prep religion teacher Mr. Kania stepped up to the plate.

Kania grew up in Yonkers.

Throughout his childhood, he brought his rough and rowdy manner to the gridiron. At age seven, Kania led the Central Park Birdfeeders to the eightand- under New York City championship game, but his squad fell in a heartbreaker to Charlie Chaplin?s Silent Knights.

Kania attended the School for those Influenced by the Mighty God (IMG Academy) in Florida to further his football prowess. His flowing hair and chiseled quads molded him into a talented quarterback.

Capitalizing on unparalleled

Mr. Kania began teaching at the Prep in 1961. He bounced around as an English and religion teacher, but his fifty- year career in the classroom proved to be merely a stepping-stone. ?After every game, [Mr. Kania] would pop into the Finance Office and chip in his two cents,? said head coach Tim Roken. ?He would bring in a white board and start drawing up plays that he thought would work well. Our entire coaching staff was astonished by his knowledge and love of the game. Penciling- in Kania as the next OC was a no- brainer. The only thing is, he keeps on telling me that we should use a Hail Mary, and his refusal to call the players anything other than ?bro? makes substitutions more than a little confusing.?

Kania?s planned use of technology on the gridiron is unprecedented. Kania, who currently edits sophomore quarterback Kyle McCord?s Hudl.com videos, plans on affixing a GoPro camera to every offensive lineman?s helmet.

Pending PIAA approval, Kania will relay play- calls from a one-of-a-kind ?bubble drone,? which will hover a quartermile above the field for the duration of the game. ?I also plan on utilizing my patent- pending BrotherSun? technology,? said Kania. ?The sun often negatively affects our bros [players]. As part of my mindfulness, I?ve decided to team up with Merton Beanies & Co. and create a pair of comfortable sunglasses that redirects the sun?s UV rays into

the opponent?s eyes.? The Prep has one day- game slated for the 2019-2020 season.

Luckily, Prep football?s meager budget is able to cover the cost of the expensive technology.

Mr. Kania hopes to implement a high- tempo offense, similar to that of his classroom.

Kania first learned of the Eagles? Super Bowl win after reading the morning paper. He put down the front-page article and said, ?I am happy.?

That same three- word sentence was the general sentiment of the Prep community when the young Yonkersproduct was named the Prep?s newest offensive coordinator.

Rich Gannon '83 (left), a four-time Pro-Bowler, and 2002 NFL M VP, credits K ania for introducing the game of football to him. Jon Gr uden (r ight) was a member of the Silent K nights squad that defeated K ania's Bir dfeeder s.

Prep Scoreboard WSJP

HA WK EYE

STUCO

3/ 14-3/ 19 vs Flori da Tri p, W

2/ 22 vs Issue 6, L

11/ 2 vs Turkey Bow l II, W

3/ 28 vs Rugby Season, L

3/ 15 vs Issue 7, L

3/ 3 vs March Madness, W

4/ 24 vs Ulti m ate Season

4/ 1 vs Apri l Fools

4/ 30 vs New Electi ons

M A THLETES

I TA LI A N CULTURE

LI FTI NG CLUB

3/ 1 vs Algebra I, W

3/ 2 vs The Pi ntos, L

3/ 19 vs 225 lbs, W

3/ 20 vs AP Calculus BC, L

3/ 25 vs The Marti nelli s, W

3/ 20 vs 275 lbs, L

4/ 18 vs AP Stati sti cs

4/ 7 vs The Leuzzi s

4/ 10 vs 5,000 lbs

Monday, April 1, 2019 | The Hawkeye

Histor y Club Proposes Slovenian M edieval Coronation Ceremony For New Pr incipal

By Aidan M cGahey ?20 Following the announcement of Mr. Cavacos to become the new principal of St. Joseph?s Prep in July, the Prep?s History Club has used its expertise to come up with a fitting way to welcome our new leader. Andrew Ward ?20, History Club member and avid Slovenian history enthusiast, sat down with The Hawkeye to discuss the proposed ritual. ?It?s totally awesomesauce,? Ward stated. ?What better way to have our new leader assert dominance over his realm??

The first part of the ceremony involves the new duke sitting on an overturned ionic column, called the Prince?s

Stone, which symbolizes the new duke receiving power directly from the people. ?This was especially democratic for the medieval age in which the ritual was performed. We think it would be an interesting symbol for our trust in Mr. Cavacos,? said Ward.

While he sits on the stone, the new duke is questioned in Slovenian by a peasant about his ability to rule with integrity over the kingdom. All of this takes place while the crowd sings the traditional Slovenian Kyrie, an important Eastern Christian song. ?We keep the column, the Slovenian language, and the Kyrie, of course, but we replace the peasant with a freshman or something,? Ward suggested.

After a Mass, the next and most pivotal aspect of the ceremony involves a chair made out of ancient Roman tombstones, in which the new duke must swear an oath in German and receive homage from the estates of the realm. ?I?m not sure how we can import the Roman tombstones from Slovenia,? Ward admitted. He explained that the stones are largely designated as part of various UNESCO World Heritage sites, and removing them is prohibited by international law. Nonetheless, he remained steadfast in his hopes to bring vojvodski prestol, as the tombstone-chair is known, to the Prep. ?I heard the black market is ripe with ancient tombstones these days. You know, Mr.

Vaccaro says he knows a guy who specializes in this,? Ward stated.

As for the oath in German, Ward was less concerned. ?I?m sure the Modern Languages Department can give Mr. Cavacos a crash course on 12th century Medieval German. If not, I?m in German III, so I think I can probably fill in for the time being,?

Ward said.

Despite the ceremony not being used even in Slovenia since 1651, Ward remains unfazed.

M r. K ania is ?With a few slight modifi- expected to repr ise cations, this Slovenian tradition can be a pivotal aspect of his role as Gr and the Prep experience for cenM aster of turies to come,? he said.

Proceedings.

I n Next Week's I ssue: Swope, SJ Used Renovation M oney to Fund " Sick" Bro-Pad

Quinn L ibr ar y Reopened to Students: Students Confused

Zazyczny to Remain I nter im Pr incipal until 2050

Opinion: You Can Check Books Out of the L ibr ar y

Opinion: I n Defense of L eaving Tr ash in Cafeter ia

3r d Floor J-Hall Conver ted into M ore Development Offices

I ggy Housetr ained, Freshman Class in Progress

Adesse to Retur n Next Fall, Both Students Previously I nvolved " A little excited I guess?"

Cool Heely Boys Use New Hallway Fast L ane Sophomore Basketball Team Hopes to Upset Gesu K ids SAGE Fr ies Not Soggy 3r d Annual Jesuit Puppet Show M oder ate Success Students to Receive Spor ts Credits and Ser vice Hour s from Bell Tower Explor ation

I nter view: Sitting Down with the Now-Retired Br ita Hydr ation Station M ission & M inistr y to I mplement Addition of Far t Jokes in Homily to Promote Better Attention among Student Body Students Respectful to Female Faculty M ember s

Debate: Who Would Win...I ggy or a Slipper y Floor ?

M r. Conner s '80 Released Back into the Wild

Hawkeye Editor 's Paper Riddled with Gr ammatical Er ror s; Teacher, Reader s Not Sur pr ised

M s. Cook Tr icks Student into JUG by Asking Him to Read Aloud Howl by Allen Ginsber g

Opinion: Jake from M ath K nows Nothing about the Eagles and I Can Prove I t

English, Religion, and Histor y Depar tments to Face Budget Cuts in Or der to Fund Funer al for the Humanist Tr adition

Breaking: The Hear t of M r.

K ear ney

Alumni Ser vice Cor p Assigned Real Jobs

Poll: Do We Want to Take This Outside?

Prep Senior : " I 'm Glad I Took a M ath Class This Year."

Repor t: Fr iends of Student with College Aged Sister M ake No Comment

St. Joseph Not Pleased the Prep Took His Name " Without Asking" Student Uses the Fancy Wor d " Ostentatious" in a Cook Essay