April 2018
Fig 2.
VOL. 1, ISSUE 3
Humor Magazine
at UGA
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THIS WEEK’S HEADLINES CLOWN CAR VEERS INTO POLE, 96 DEAD
FAST AND FURIOUS PORN TITLE NAME REVEALED: FAST AND FURIOUS EMBARRASSING: MARS ROVER KEEPS SENDING HOME DICK PICS
MAN WHO FLUSHES TOILET WITH FOOT IMPERVIOUS TO DISEASE
SUNS OUT GUNS OUT: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT SUMMER TIME IN THE NRA MASCOT UGA X CAUGHT LOOKING UP CHEERLEADERS' SKIRTS, FIRED FOR SEXUAL MISCONDUCT FRAT THROWS DAY PARTY, NO ONE GETS LAID DUE TO HIGH VISIBILITY
KID FAKES DROWNING TO KISS LIFEGUARD, DEVELOPS NEW WEIRD KINK
Copyright The Hedge Trimmer, MMXVIII
Humor Magazine at UGA
“Made for Students, by Students, and When We Run Out of Paper, Out of Students.”
“Fool Me Once” EDITORIAL BOARD EDITORS-IN-CHIEF CONTRIBUTORS
Ben Goren ‘19 Maggie Dryden ‘19 Noell Appling ‘19 Jay Badlani ‘20 Carolyn Borkowski ‘21 Nathan Cherukuri ‘19 Ulises Deras ‘18 Grayson Harper ‘19
Thomas Heiges ‘18 Emma Murphy ‘18 Bailey Pless ‘18 Aaron Stafford ‘19 Savannah Simmons ‘21 Kristin Storck ‘21
ART BOARD COVER ADDITIONAL ILLUSTRATIONS
Ulises Deras ‘18 Carolyn Borkowski ‘21 Maddi Huff ‘20 Sohil Shyamsundar ‘19 Savannah Simmons ‘21
BOARDGE W. Bush
Come and Join Us! facebook.com/thehedgetrimmermag/ thehedgetrimmer.com The Hedge Trimmer is a magazine produced by students of the University of Georgia. The University of Georgia is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to names, characters, or events, real or fictional, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental.
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THIS WEEK’S HEADLINES DISAPPOINTING: PROTEST SIGNS NOT CLEVER ENOUGH TO STOP MASS MURDERS
MOON LANDING FILM REVEALED AS HOAX, ASTRONAUTS ACTUALLY WENT TO MOON HOT CAKES SELLING REALLY, REALLY WELL
OBSCURE BAND PLAYS AT SCHOOL FOR DEAF, STUDENTS HAVEN’T HEARD OF THEM
MONSTER EATING TO-GO ORDER STILL IN RESTAURANT
FOOD TRUCK AWARDED MICHELIN TIRE
INSPIRING: DAMAGED TREE GIFTED PROSTHETIC BRANCH
"CLEAR!" YELLS SWAT OFFICER BLOWING NOSE
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A Letter from the Editors
A
hh, April. The first full month of spring, the second least attractive sounding month to have as a name (after Jan, of course), and the only prefix to “showers” that we’re comfortable with.
ing fruit (Although the theory that “The Good Shepherd” is actually Kutcher’s longtime punking aide Dax Shepard is quite compelling).
Instead, in this issue you’ll find some of our best work yet. But for students at the Witty headlines and funny ads; University of Georgia, it’s also the hilarious pieces on pranks, pollen, last full month of classes before and peace - as in, R.I.; and swearsummer. And for us here at The ing birds, high-fives, and some Hedge Trimmer, it’s sadly our last amazing comics and illustrations. issue of the semester. Please, hold your tears. You’ll smudge the ink. So we hope you enjoy our April issue, and in anticipation of This being our April is- our sweet return in Fall, we hope sue, we knew it’d have to be spe- you will check out our previous iscial. How can a humor magazine sues online (anytime at thehedgettackle a month featuring the glory rimmer.com) and remember us over of April Fools' Day, the glory of the summer. We know you will school ending, and also that Easter you’re no fool. thingy? While we could have easily played into the Easter Sunday/ April Fools crossover episode of 2018 by making cheap jokes or giving a voice to the conspiracy theorists out there - “Jesus’ death was the ultimate prank,” “Jesus punk’d all of mankind,” “Jesus was really Ashton Kutcher in disguise,” - we will not give in to such low-hang-
Sincerely,
Maggie Dryden Ben Goren Editors-in-Chief
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THIS WEEK’S HEADLINES ENTREPRENEUR CHARLES CHEESE MURDERED AFTER MISCOMMUNICATION WITH PEST CONTROL
HUMOR MAGAZINE DENIES CLAIMS OF SELF-PROMOTION; READ MORE AT THEHEDGETRIMMER .COM DUMBASS DRINKS SMARTWATER FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU. FOOL ME ONCE, I'M STILL LEARNING HOW SEQUENCING WORKS
TRICKED: SCIENTISTS DISCOVER APRIL FOOLS' DAY ACTUALLY IN JUNE
POLL: EATING ASS?
“TELL HIM YOU’RE PREGNANT!” AND OTHER FUN PRANKS TO KEEP HIM FROM LEAVING YOU
KINDA CUTE, KINDA SAD: BIG DUMMY SAYS HE’S 6’12”
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THIS WEEK’S HEADLINES ENGLISH TEACHER WITH GASTROINTESTINAL CANCER LEFT WITH SEMICOLON
FROM THE VAULT: “GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE, CHOLERA KILLS PEOPLE,” SAYS OREGON TRAIL NRA GREAT PYRAMIDS REVEALED TO BE STEPS UP CLOSE HOT DUDE WITH DANDRUFF GETS HEAD, NO SHOULDERS
INVESTIGATION SURROUNDS WHO THE FUCK DIDN’T DO THE SECOND SLIDE ON GROUP PROJECT
UD '18
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The First April Fools Day
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Maddi Huff
April 1st, A.D. 30* Two Guards, guarding a tomb. GUARD 1: Yeah bro, this one time, I got this guy so good. There was this street merchant selling oranges, right? GUARD 2: What's an orange, bro? GUARD 1: This orange fruit they call oranges. Anyway, this street merchant was selling oranges, and when he wasn't looking I painted that shit red! So everyone bought oranges thinking they were apples, and they bit into the peel and demanded a refund! Both guards high-five. GUARD 2: Oh man, man. That's rich, but I got one better. I found these herbs growing out behind my house, right? GUARD 1: I like where this is going, bro.
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GUARD 2: These were the herbs you smoke to get out of your mind, but I didn't have anything to put them in. So when the scribes weren't looking, I grabbed some scrolls and rolled up, know what I'm saying?! Both guards high-five. GUARD 1: That's good and all, but one time, I stuck a banana up a camel's ass, and it took the guy riding it like 3 hours to figure out what was wrong! GUARD 2: One time, I bought instant mashed potatoes from the marketplace. Then I put them on my neighbor's yard the night before a big rain! He woke up with mashed potatoes in his yard! GUARD 1: Bro, WTF are mashed potatoes?! GUARD 2: I don't even know! Both guards high-five. The stone rolls away from the tomb. Jesus strolls out to both guards. JESUS: Hey bros, guess what? This one time, like three days ago, I died on a cross and everybody thought I was bodied, right? Then, like right now, I rose from the freakin' dead and saved them all from their sins! I pranked Satan himself, dog! GUARD 1: Bro, that's dope! GUARD 2: We should celebrate this day every year! Both guards and Jesus high-five. JESUS: Whoa, careful with the hands, bro! April Fools' Day and Easter become treasured holidays, although usually separated in most traditional calendars. Except in 2018, when they occured on the same day, as they should be. Because every time you leave a flaming bag of poop on a doorstep, remember that Jesus did the same thing at death's doorstep. *The exact details of this account, including the year, are heavily debated. -BP '18
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COMPANY MEMO FROM:
Sales Manager
TO:
All Sales Representatives
SUBJECT:
Prank Products - Complaints!
10 Send now
Good afternoon. Sales are down. No joke. We’ve had some serious complaints about our customer service. This is a business, and I’m not sending out this memo just for giggles. I’m distributing unto you a list of our most common concerns about our products. Familiarize yourselves with them, and we will approach ways to tackle the problems at the next board meeting. PRODUCT CONCERNS: • Rubber dog poop bearing too much resemblance to rubber human poop. Possible factory mix ups with the gastrointestinal models from nearby medical school. • Fake vomit too realistic, usage leads to real vomit. Perhaps necessary to tone down the chunks. • Springs shooting from “mixed nuts” can are considered dangerous for the elderly and persons with heart conditions, maybe launching too violently?
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• Glasses with attached nose too effective as a disguise, too popular with criminals for commiting crimes. Our company does not encourage criminal behavior. • Fake blood staining clothing, traditional methods of cleaning out real blood not working. • Whoopee cushion lacking images of Whoopi Goldberg. • Presence of fake cockroaches causing real cockroaches to team up and assert dominance. • Arrow-through-the-head headband inspiring DIY versions in which customers are launching arrows through heads. • Comically large flask causing alcohol poisoning when chugged. As you all can see, we’ve accumulated quite the list of concerns. I hope to see you all bright and early next week to resolve these issues. Keep in mind, faking illness with any of our fake vomit or poo products will not work. We recognize our own cutting-edge prank technology. Sincerely, April F. Ools Sales Manager Silly Willy’s Silly Willies, LLC -CB '21
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Rejected Black Mirror Episodes After the hit sci-fi series Black Mirror received incredible praise for their fourth season, the creators decided to give fans a little bonus content: they released four episodes that didn’t make the cut. However, fans reacted a little differently than expected. The following is a list of the summaries of these rejected episodes written by a super fan of the show. 1. People Don’t Just Kill People, It’s Also Roombas (Still Not Guns Though) - A woman’s daughter tapes a gun to a roomba because her parents don’t supervise her, and this is America. Somehow the gun awakens something dark within the AI of the machine and now it won’t stop chasing the family around the house. After watching, you will either feel like you just watched a very fucked-up product placement or a very tone-deaf pro-NRA commercial. 2. Love Wins? - After a guy finds himself struggling to both sext and masturbate simultaneously, he discovers an ad for a device that can do both. The device is particularly unnerving and not in a spooky, technology-is-taking-over kind of way; it basically just looks like a shitty Macgyver-ed sex toy. It’s a keyboard with a suction tube attached to it. So the guy orders the device with the fastest shipping possible. The device works wonders, so much so that the guy eventually falls in love with this machine to the horror of everyone around him. This episode tries to evoke the question: will this be the new marriage equality movement? The obvious answer: um, no. 3. In a World of Her Own - This one starts off following a girl who wears headphones everywhere. Really dark emotional music plays the whole time and there’s voiceover about how the girl never feels accepted and how music is her only escape. You watch as every person who passes her gives her disgusted looks, laughing and pointing. Turns out she’s just been farting the whole time, she just can’t hear because of her headphones. I actually really enjoyed this one, to be honest.
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4. Not My President - A criminal blackmails the prime minister into having sex with a literal pig on live television- oh wait, they already made that one? That actually was the pilot episode for this entire series? Jesus, why has no one really addressed the gravity of that shit? This episode basically felt like a rip off of that one, except this time they made it American, so instead of a prime minister it was a president and instead of a pig it was a donkey. To top it all off, the president’s name was: Tronald Dump. Surprisingly, a lot of liberal fans really raved about this episode. Overall the viewers’ sentiments were either one of two things: the Black Mirror producers really need a reality check and maybe a lesson in political correctness, or whatever the writers are smoking, fans want it, too! -KS '21
Ge·sund·heit a poem
This pollen is too much for me. I sneeze and sneeze and sneeze. Oh how I wish I could exact revenge upon these trees! To somehow thwart these buds who spew So fresh upon the breeze Their rotten yellow particles Which bring me to my knees.
UD '18
My eyes are red and teary, My nose is full of goo. My lips are set to curse their guts But then I pause… ACHOO!!
Illustration: SS '21
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THE DAILY TRIMMER NEWS YOU CAN READ
2018
thehedgetrimmer.com
LOCAL COMICS GET SCHOOLED New Open Mic a Total Bust
April 2, 2018
Posted in Reviews
bars, and this place was not either of those. It was practically like a big warehouse, just a huge open room with an ocean of stackable chairs. I was wondering why they weren’t ID-ing anyone at the door because a lot of the audience looked kinda young, but that was resolved when I discovered there wasn’t The press was all over this even a bar. It did, howevthing. Friends I hadn’t spo- er, smell like sad broccoli ken to since high school, my and dust, and I immediatecoworkers, hell, even the ly wanted to head out. Get grocery clerk at the Kroger it? Head out? Like a head were all sharing this event of broccoli? Again, I’m very on Facebook. It was spread- funny. But surely no actual ing so fast, the 1500’s called. talent would perform at this They want their plague back. gross old place. See, I told you I’m very funny. And I was right. The first act I’m used to shows in cozy must have been fresh into coffee shops and semi-quiet the business, because his ATHENS - I had the utmost displeasure of attending a new open mic in town this past Sunday. I felt like I had to go not only as a journalist, but as someone was almost voted Class Clown in high school. It was my obligation to use my comedic expertise.
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THE DAILY TRIMMER NEWS YOU CAN READ
2018
notecards were shaking in his (probably very sweaty) hands. Notecards, people! He even needed help adjusting the mic height. The second he spoke, there was a voice crack, and I laughed out loud, because I was expecting a gag, and there it was. I guess my sense of humor is a little above our townspeople’s because my chortle cut through silence and earned me dirty looks. Acts continued just about the same every time, and I had half a mind to heckle them all if I didn’t think I’d get jumped outside my car by their fans. Sprinklings of knock-knock jokes littered their sets. Ugh. If I wanted the contents of a joke book from the kid’s section of the local library, I’d have gone there. Especially if I hadn’t been banned by the stickler,
thehedgetrimmer.com
censorship-loving librarians for starting my own x-rated open mic there. Now that was comedy. When the show came to a close, I was a little upset because it was like a bad car wreck where you just can’t look away. I’m sure all the performers would know they bombed if their dumb fans didn’t praise every joke and what “courage” they had to go up there. Maybe I have an unpopular opinion somehow, but next time around, I’ll be skipping the Washington Elementary School talent show. -CB '21
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Sohil Shyamsundar
Fool Me Only Once A conversation overheard at a bar. Two men sitting on barstools, a third walks over and sits down. Guy One and Guy Two: *feverish whispers* Guy Three: Howdy! How are you fellas doin’ this evening? Guy One: Not so bad. How bout yourself ? Guy Three: I can’t complain. I’m about to be a helluva lot better once I get some beer and some (looks up at a television) tennis in me. What tennis match is this, anyway? Guy One: It’s the Barcelona Open. We’ve got some great players on the court today. You know, people say that you should never marry a tennis player. Guy Three: Oh, really? Why’s that?
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Guy One: Because “love” means nothing to them. Guy Three: Haha, oh man! That’s pretty fun… Guy Two, extremely angrily: Excuse me?! Bartender?! Can you please for the LOVE of GOD change the channel on all of these TVs?! Jerry, I am so SICK and TIRED of your joke! Guy One: Oh c’mon, Lou. It’s not that ba… Guy Two: Not that bad?! Not that bad?!?! What do you mean, not that bad?! You mean to tell me that you expect me to just sit here and listen to you tell that same joke over and over and over again since you learned it in, what, 1984?! Guy One: Okay, okay, Lou. I’ll get them to turn the tennis off. And I promise I won’t make that joke any more today. Guy Two: TODAY?! Brother, I’m gonna need a better promise than that. I’ve spent way too many years with my ear way too close to your mouth. At least learn a new joke! It would be fine if you learned a new one every once in a while! I can’t stand coming here every night and watching tennis for your lame-joke comedy career anymore! You know, that doctor we met with told us that surgery is a completely viable option! Guy One: Hey now, let’s talk about this outside, okay? We need some privacy. Come on. Guy One and Guy Two get up simultaneously, due to their irrevocable and birth-defected connection at the hip. Guy Three continues to sit at the bar, not knowing which conjoined twin to pity more: the one with only one joke, or the one that had to listen to it. -MD '19
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The Ongoing Rescue Efforts Undertaken on the Island Inhabited by the Species Vulgaris Fornicus This research paper will explore the reasons recent efforts to save the local population of grey parrots, otherwise known as Vulgaris fornicus, have failed. This species of bird has lived on the island of Watdeefug (Wat-dee-fug) for 75 years, but recent data suggests the species is dwindling at a rapid rate. This bizarre drop in numbers can be traced back to a single research team that travelled to the island to film the species for Planet Earth I. My team of biologists was sent to discover what exactly had occurred to result in such a species drop-off. Methods Before we stepped onto the island we interviewed the camera crew that was assigned to the island 15 years ago. Most were willing to talk about how their experience on the island shaped their appreciation of the wild birds. But one man, who asked to remain anonymous, described how he had “single-handedly destroyed the species’ chance for survival” (Gavin James 2018). He explained that while on the island, he managed to stub his toe. Results After our own very careful survey of the island, we realized the full implications of Mr. James’s presence. Upon first impression, all of the parrots on the island, which have all been documented with extremely complex speech imitation capabilities, were recorded exclaiming “Fuck off ! Fuck off ! Fuck off !” This was due to the fact that Mr. James had uttered that sentiment after stubbing his toe. After this initial discovery we had to procure noise-cancelling headphones in order to insulate ourselves from this verbal assault. After rigorous scientific analysis, it was revealed that our team’s collective self-esteem had dropped 2 standard deviations (M=100, SD = 50) after the harassment, resulting in one particular Nobel laureate on my team having to be reassured that we did in fact like him and that we weren’t hanging out with him just because we felt sorry for him.
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Conclusion We believe recent conservation efforts undertaken by various teams across the globe have been halted after their feelings of self-worth were thoroughly damaged during attempts to do their best to help save these, cognitively speaking, stupid birds. We feel as though, after careful study into these animals, that all conservation efforts regarding the island should be abandoned. These, evolutionarily speaking, useless as fuck* birds should be allowed to die out due to their own incompetence. And so should I. We’d like to thank the Hedge Trimmer Magazine for accepting the publication of this groundbreaking paper as all other scientific journals have turned us away, most likely due to the fact that I’m stupid and probably a fraud. * Any instances of expletives used in this journal article are simply for descriptive purposes and are in no way the discretion of the individuals writing this paper. -NC '19
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Rest in Peace, Zell B. Miller (1932-2018) This past month, UGA lost one of its most notable alumni, Zell Bryan Miller. Born in the small town of Young Harris, Georgia in 1932, Miller grew up with a dream to be something more and change peoples lives. After graduating high school, he joined the military, fighting to protect the country he loved so dearly. After the war, he came to the great University of Georgia, where he received his Bachelors and Masters Degree in History. After graduation, he would go into politics, where he would go on to make his own history with his policies. It is here I would like to take a moment to praise Zell. To most students here at UGA, he was more than a soldier, a graduate, or a governor; he was a sugar daddy. Zell Miller, a kind-hearted man, paid for so many of us to go to college, while never pressuring us to do anything we did not wish to. Sure, there were those times he asked for some over the pants stuff, but he was never forceful. He was always kind and respectful, making sure we never had to compromise our values. He was truly the best daddy any of us could ever have asked for. So, whether you knew him as a scholar, a senator, or a sugar daddy, there is no denying his impact on our lives, and ours on his. -AS '19
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10 Charades Bowl Suggestions if You Hate Your Sister-in-Law, Vicki 1. Act out: Vicki’s first marriage. 2. Act out: mother who just locked baby in car (use Vicki as reference if needed). 3. Act out: Vicki as Disney character, takes off her own head for a smoke break. 4. If your name starts with V, act out: itchy head, no arms. If your name doesn’t start with V, act out: baseball. 5. Act out: baby crying because locked in Vicki’s car. 6. If name rhymes with “icky,” act out: groundhog roadkill (no shadow). Otherwise, guitar. 7. If you’re a cheating bitch who married my brother for money, act out: stay-at-home-mom checks tupperware for stickiness. Otherwise, act out: jump rope. 8. Act out: one of Vicki’s yeast infections (any of the 7, up to you). 9. If your name contains the last name of a notorious dog fighter, act out: alpaca eats paper clips. Otherwise, act out: sneezing. 10. Act out: fireman removing baby from car. -EM '18
Emails.
My friends always say to me, “Barry, you’re such a fool. Those emails are scams.” REALLY? I’M the fool? Who’s the one with the substantial stake in a Nigerian Monarchy, Chad? Me. And If I ever make my way to Lagos, I will be treated as royalty. And I’ll have you know, Bill Gates emailed me the other day, and all I had to do was give him my social security number for his new project, and he’s gonna wire me 500K. Does that sound dumb to you, Drew? Also, I’ll have you know I have wives like a freakin' box of chocolates. One Pakistani, one Russian, one Polish, one Serbian, one Chilean. Who’s the idiot now? Have fun with your one American wife, Tom, while I’m presented with a bevy of international flavor like the goddamn United Nations food court. GH '19
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Letters to the Editors of The Hedge Trimmer Editor’s Note: The following letters were received from passionate readers regarding this issue’s contents. To be transparent with our audience, we thought it’d be best to include their transgressions below. How we received these comments in time to print them on the very same issue they're complaining about is truly a testament to our publisher. Great job, magcloud.com. Now please, give us a discount. Re: "Gesundheit," pg. 13 Hey Hedge Trimmer, I got a poem for ya. Boo hoo, oh pity me, For I have allergies. Tree cum gets all up in my eyesies, And then I have to ah-sneeze. If only I wasn’t so cursed
To live on this pollen-filled earth. My problem is real, I SWEAR. Like hearing clouds in air. So come one, come all and see The whiny little bitch that’s me.
Re: "COMPANY MEMO," pg. 10-11 To: Sales Manager From: Noell Good morning, I need to file a complaint. I bought your Groucho Marx disguise to use on my grandmother. She couldn’t recognize me and died. Re: "The Ongoing Rescue Efforts Undertaken on the Island Inhabited by the Species Vulgaris Fornicus," pg. 18-19 Dear Smartass Planet Earth Team, Stop fucking with my parrots. I leave my island for one year, and guess what! All my fucking birds are fucking cursing. I come from
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a wholesome, christian island. I will not stand for this. My daughter has a rare condition that only lets her learn words if a chorus of thousands of birds sing the words to her. I’ve been training those birds for 3 years to teach my little baby girl words. She’s 15 and can’t read shit. I brought them to the island to see what I’ve taught them and all my kids hear is a bombardment of “Fuck Offs.” Now she can only say “Fuck Off.” Stop fucking with my parrots. Sincerely, Pissed off Island Owner P.S. Fuck that stupid-ass joke magazine that published this bullshit. Re: "10 Charades Bowl Suggestions if You Hate Your Sister-in-Law, Vicki," pg. 22 Not bad. As Vicki's older sister, I can do better. Here’s some alternative charade ideas: 1. Act out: Vicki feeding my baby nail polish. 2. If name starts with V, act out: maxing dad’s credit card for Lil Dicky tix. Otherwise, Ipod. 3. Act out: Girl locking braces in first kiss and having to go to ER (Look at Vicki for help). 4. If name starts with V, act out: telling my baby his aunt left him in a car. Otherwise, Satan. 5. Act out: Parents not telling Vicki she’s adopted. Re: The Hedge Trimmer Humor Magazine, Spring Semester Dear Ms. Dryden and Mr. Goren, I bet you think you’ve gone and done something great. Made a magazine for UGA so other shitheads like you can laugh at jokes about Powerpoint arousal and stupid starch diets. I bet you think you’re so goddamn cool with all those lame-ass puns and stupid fucking head-
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lines. You might even call those covers art, but you’re WRONG! Babies can’t use stairmasters! And Bush would never trim his nose hairs, you ingrates. You all sit in that “writing room” and circle jerk each other off about your terrible jokes and make fun of our lord and savior Zell B. Miller. Give it two months before you’re spewing out Trump jokes you unoriginal, collared-shirt-wearing motherfuckers. Sincerely, Staff Writer at The Hedge Trimmer, Noell Appling NA '19
A Final Letter from the Editors of The Hedge Trimmer
As our first semester draws to a close, we would like to personally and individually share our gratitude to everyone who made our first go at a humor magazine what it is. To Whom It May Concern (which is all of you), I hope you have enjoyed the grammatical-correctness (kind of like PC, but different) of your copy of The Hedge Trimmer. It really takes a lot to reign in the comma splices of a science major who thinks he’s funnier than the average science major. But it was a challenge I was willing to take. In all seriousness, I really would like to sincerely thank all the people who made this magazine possible and actually gave me a job to do and content to edit. (But whatever you do, don’t read the next few sentences as a rip-off of a Jimmy Fallon sketch; you’ll be extremely disappointed.) Firstly, thank you, staff writers who showed up every week, with or without content. Just showing up and being present makes this whole thing work, and I am so grateful that you’ve deemed our ideas worthy of showing up to. Secondly, thank you, contributing artists. It blows my mind every time I think about how amazing you are. Seriously. Like chunks of my brain are all over the place; you guys are so amazing and talented. Thirdly, thank you, Ben for dragging me along for the ride. I am
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so, so thankful for your motivation and dedication to the funnies (and not just any funnies, but the good funnies). You saw that I had potential, and you challenged me to bring it to the surface. Lastly, thank you, readers for reading the dang thing. That also blows my mind. What started off as an idea has made its way into the real world, and I can’t wait to see what happens next. Sincerely, Maggie Dryden When Maggie and I were first spitballing magazine names (many of which, in retropsect, we were shrewd to not pursue, such as Humourstuff Magazine, The SLC MLC [pronounced "slick milk"], and my personal favorite, The Titilater, a.k.a. "The Tit"), we had no idea that students would one day even know what we are, some of whom actually like us. A humor magazine at UGA was something I wanted to see happen for a long time, and after only a few short months, I'm incredibly proud of what we've created. I'm also so impressed by the talented staff of students that joined us for this project; we wouldn't be anything without them. The fact that we have peers who not only want to contribute to our little idea, but that come every week to do so, never ceases to amaze me. It's remarkable to create something and be lucky enough to find others that want to support it. For this, I'm deeply grateful. I'd like to thank each and every one of them, as well as everyone out there who once checked out our website, scrolled over a Facebook event, or glanced at our table on campus, even if you did ignore my barking. I can finally say, I forgive you. While this is our last issue as Editors-in-Chief, the magazine will continue and grow with a fresh semester of leadership in Fall. We're confident that we're putting the fate of the magazine in good hands. Caring, talented, and very funny hands. I mean just look at them. Why are the fingers so long? That's funny. Thank you all, Ben Goren
Copyright The Hedge Trimmer, MMXVIII
CB '21