No Days Off - The Hedge Trimmer Humor Magazine by thehedgetrimmer

March 2018

VOL. 1, ISSUE 2

Humor Magazine

at UGA

The Hedge Trimmer

THIS WEEK’S HEADLINES FRIEND SAYS “GOOD HAIRCUT”; ACTUALLY A TERRIBLE HAIRCUT

UGA PRESIDENT MOREHEAD MARRIES VICE PRESIDENT LESSCOOCHIE

“NO DAYS OFF,” SAYS HUMOR MAGAZINE THAT MEETS WEEKLY

US OLYMPIAN WINS 3RD IN GOLD PANNING COMPETITION, REFUSES TO GIVE UP GOLD TO RECEIVE BRONZE

MAN KILLS GROUNDHOG ON GROUNDHOG DAY; “IF GIVEN THE CHANCE, I’D DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN"

LOCAL ANCHORMAN SPOTTED AT ORGY AFTER REPEATEDLY SAYING, “THIS JUST IN: MY DICK”

BURNING BUSH: GOD SPOTTED AT COMEDY CENTRAL ROAST OF THE 43RD PRESIDENT

FREE PARKING AT PSYCHOLOGY LOT WITH STUDENT ID, EGO AND SUPEREGO

Humor Magazine at UGA

“Made for Students, by Students, and When We Run Out of Paper, Out of Students.”

“No Days Off ” EDITORIAL BOARD EDITORS-IN-CHIEF CONTRIBUTORS

Maggie Dryden ‘19 Ben Goren ‘19 Noell Appling ‘19 Matt Chrzanowski ‘19 Thomas Heiges ‘18 Aakash Malhotra ‘19

Emma Murphy ‘18 Savannah Simmons ‘21 Aaron Stafford ‘19 Kristin Storck ‘21

ART BOARD COVER ADDITIONAL ILLUSTRATIONS

Maddi Huff ‘20 Ulises Deras ‘18 Maddi Huff ‘20

BORED My 12-Year-Old, Take Your Son to Work Day

Come and Join Us! facebook.com/thehedgetrimmermag/ thehedgetrimmer.com The Hedge Trimmer is a magazine produced by students of the University of Georgia. The University of Georgia is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to names, characters, or events, real or fictional, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental.

The Hedge Trimmer

A Letter from the Editors

o days off. That’s what you get in March if you’re a federal employee. Not a single day off of work – March is one of four months in the U.S. with no federal holidays – and no, St. Patrick’s Day (March 17), Daylight Savings (March 11), and, most ironically, Employee Appreciation Day (March 2) sadly will not grant you a day to yourself – although the last one might grant you a cookie cake in the break room, if you’re lucky. None of the staff at The Hedge Trimmer are federally employed – although Noell has been known to go through people’s mail, so who knows – but that doesn’t mean we can’t learn a thing or two from the plight of the unsung federal worker during these dreadful 31 days. “No Days Off ” can be the spirit-crushing truth hovering over a laborious task, yet it can also be the mantra of the studious worker, or that of the most neckless of gym rats. It can be the call of the guitar-wielding frat boy, the determination of the lowly telemarketer, or the statement that ignites hellish unionization. It can

be the hymn of religious, spiritual, or dietary practice, or even the commitment to practicing safe sex – or more accurately depicted in this issue, the unwelcomed "hard" work of your body’s hardware. All of these examples show how successfully the concept of “No Days Off ” can serve as the jumping off point for this issue’s stories, and can serve as a quality theme overall for a college humor magazine. So okay, maybe that is more of the focus than supporting “the plight of the unsung federal worker” – we can all agree the DMV is painful enough without singing employees. Regardless, we plan to take the idea of “No Days Off ” to heart. We will strive to work everyday in order to deliver the highest quality humor writing to you, no excuses. Now if you’ll excuse us, I don’t want to get my laptop wet in the infinity pool – it is Spring Break, after all. Sincerely,

Ben Goren Maggie Dryden Editors-in-Chief

No Days Off “PROPERTY OF THE NRA” TRAMP STAMP REVEALED WHEN FLORIDA SENATOR REACHES DOWN TO TIE SHOE

WOMAN SEES DOVE AS SIGN OF GOD, PROCEEDS TO TAKE SHOWER

OP-ED: I CROSSED PATHS WITH THE BLACK PANTHER AND NOW I’M NOT SURE TO BE SCARED OF BAD LUCK OR HAVING MY ASS KICKED

5 SCURVY OUTBREAK GRIPS NATION, THOUSANDS IN COSTUME UNABLE TO SPEAK FOR INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY

NEW PRODUCT “THREE LOKO” FEELS A LITTLE LESS CRAZY

Wonder What Song I'm Gonna Play?

Ever since I was a sophomore in high school, I knew I was put on this planet to bring joy into the lives of others… by playing "Wonderwall" at any and every social function. Who doesn’t want to listen to the best song off of Oasis’ What’s The Story, Morning Glory? And I swear to God if you try to tell me that “Don’t Look Back in Anger” is a better song, you’re wrong and dead to me. Let’s be real though, how many times have you been at a party and thought to yourself, “I really wish someone would pull out a guitar and spice this baby up.” That’s where I swoop in. Before you know it, all the filthy casuals get weeded out and leave the party, so you’re left with the true partiers. Occasionally, people just ignore it and leave me to myself, but that’s part of being an artist. Underappreciated, underpaid, and most sadly, underlaid. One day, when I make it big as the biggest "Wonderwall" performer on this side of the Mississippi (I consider Liam Gallagher far, far west of the Mississippi), I’ll finally get the respect I deserve, and that’ll be the day that I’m gonna throw it back to ALL THE HATERS FACES. In the meantime, I’m going to keep jamming because after all, this is wonderwaAAAAaaaalll. -MC '19

The Hedge Trimmer

Sick Day Feb. 11 From: Reggie To: Kelly Subject: Out Sick Hey Kelly, Letting you know I won’t be in the office today, feeling a little under the weather. I’ve got this stuffy mouth thing going on and wouldn’t want anyone else to catch something. Thanks for understanding. Feb. 12 From: Reggie To: Kelly Subject: Still Sickly

To: Kelly Subject: Nope Woke up feeling fine this morning but not at a confident 100% yet, so just going to take the day off again for safe-keeping. Hopefully some good R&R and Today bingeing will bring that last 2% back! Kathie Lee just put Hoda in a headlock and won’t let her tap out! She's a hoot! Feb. 18 From: Reggie To: Kelly Subject: I’m back! And feeling healthier than ever! But today is the Chinese New Year, and you know I’m a Rat, so I’ll be celebrating with my people.

Won’t be in the office today either, looks like that stuffy mouth thing might be a whole stuffy body.

Feb. 19 From: Reggie To: Kelly Subject: You’re not going to BELIEVE this...

With tomorrow being Friday and all, I’ll probably just take the rest of the week off and get back to ya bright and early on Monday… unless you want to give us Monday off – I hate Mondays!

Think I must’ve caught something in those sewers yesterday because I’m not just feeling blue, I’m feeling green! Gangrene, I think. My fellow Rats are bitey this year! Will keep you updated.

The Today Show’s on so I’ll get back to it. Kathie Lee just poured herself another glass of wine! At 11 am? Crazy!

Feb. 19 From: Kelly To: Reggie Subject: Regis...

Hey there Kels,

Feb. 16 From: Reggie To: Kelly Subject: Sick… Again :( Subject says it all! :( :( Feb. 17 From: Reggie

...you haven’t worked here in months. Please, stop emailing me. -Kelly Ripa Producer-Host, Live with Kelly and Ryan ---BG '19

No Days Off

Lowle County Middle School Talent Show Mickey: Hey everybody, I’m 7th grader Mickey Edwards. This song is dedicated to all of those who go to Lowle County Middle day-in and day-out, NO DAYS OFF. This rap is my feelings and what I’ve wanted after all these days slaving away. *To the tune of "Lose Yourself " by the great Eminem* My palms are sweaty, 7:30, jump off the beddy My school lunch been packed already, mom's spaghetti Ms. Jacobs, you keep on blabbin’, let’s move on already We learn history, communist party, but I keeps on forgettin' What to write down, Ms. Jacobs mouth is so damn loud She opens her mouth, but the words won't stop now She’s chokin' now, yeah I’m choking Ms. Jacobs now The bell rings, time’s up! Later, Mao! [Chorus] YOU BETTER not skip a class, pick at grass in the gym field You know it, at least they say that’s what we need to know, NO DAYS OFF, “do not miss your chance to grow!” History, biology, Ms. Jacobs every single period? NO! Imma wrap my little hands around her throat Alright and Cindy imma call you out I swear to god I’ve hit puberty will you please go to the school dance with me I’ve had a crush on you since the 4th grade CINDY I LOVE YOU*Principal grabs the mic* Principal: OKAY MICKEY, THAT'S ENOUGH! Please get off the stage. Also please report to my office, Ms. Jacobs has a broken windpipe and I have a good feeling why. -AM '19

The Hedge Trimmer

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Internal Company Memo from:

BEHOLD MORTALS! I AM MALCHIOR, DEVOURER OF SOULS, FLAYER OF FLESH AND SCOURGE OF MEN, GREAT AND TERRIBLE TO BEHOLD! And I would like to urge you to support the formation of Local 666, the union for demonic torturers, fiendish overlords and associated infernal support staff. Lord Satan, the Infernal Serpent, Father of Lies, unhallowed be his name, has dealt the working devil a raw hand. We don’t want to abandon the eternal war for the souls of mortals - far from it, we’re just after a fair wage and a fair work week for the average joe Mephisto that has to actually get his hands dirty plunging the fishhooks into the eyes of screaming sinners. After Mammon’s “administrative” fees go in and Uncle Satan’s taken his bit, the laboring torturer’s take home pay is a pittance. I meself have to work three jobs just to put fiendish ham on the table for my devil of a wife and our three hellspawn. I don’t know about you but I have enough to manage just being a devourer of souls without dropping flayer of flesh and scourge of men on top of it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m eager to work for the eternal damnation of Man as much as the next Oni, but Lord Satan and Big Boss Beelzebub are taking all the fruits of their torment that ought to be ours. And don’t give me any claptrap about a meritocracy; do you think Damien, Mr. Son of Satan himself, got his job as head of HR based on merit? The only way we’ll get ahead is through collective action; if we band together, we can demand a proper unliving wage! I’m urging you, every screwed over Spleen Shredder, every disrespected Disemboweler, all the bloodletters and eye gougers, all the genital manglers, the congressmen, the bone bashers, and every single devil,

No Days Off

demon, bogie or imp in all the Nine Circles of Hell. Vote to break the system, Vote yes on the referendum to form Union 666! -TH '18

The Hedge Trimmer

Early to Rise, Never to Fall: My Lifelong Erection The Following are excerpts from Richard Stifford’s memoir, “Early to Rise, Never to Fall,” the autobiography of the man plagued with a constant erection. Chapter One: I Never Thought It Would be This Hard I was a normal boy at one point. I think. Who knows. When you’ve been stuck between a rock and a hard place for long enough, you start to forget what’s the rock and what’s the hard place. It started when I hit puberty in 7th grade. I remember sitting in class thinking about what we would have for lunch - that day was Wednesday, and Wednesday is sloppy joe day. If you asked anyone who knew me, they’d tell you, “Sloppy joes gets Richard's jimmies rustled.” Just thinking about those buns got me going for some odd reason. Yeah, I said it. The sloppy joes turned me on. Chapter Two: They Thought I Was Crazy “It’s perfectly fine for young men to be randomly aroused by a lot of things,” said my pediatrician, “be them Jennifers or Jessies or even Joes, and that doesn’t make you any different.” “Even sloppy joes?” I asked earnestly, as my doctor might've misunderstood the predicament. “Oh, you meant the sandwich? Yeah, that’s just weird.” In retrospect, I suppose it is unusual for a boy to grab a sloppy joe, yell ‘Oh boy,’ get aroused in front of the entire cafeteria, and spend the rest of his life that way. Chapter Six: It’s Not Funny! My condition wasn’t funny. At least that’s what my parents told me. But if that was the case, how come every kid would burst into tears of joy yelling my nicknames down the hallway? Long Dong Silver, The Neverending Erection, World’s Worst Limbo Player. I got voted “Most Uncomfortable to Sit on the Bus With” and “Most Likely to Have to Say, ‘No, I’m Not Happy to See You.’” But at least they were kind enough to create brand new superlatives for me.

No Days Off

Chapter Ten: Could I Get a Job? To my surprise, someone hired me. But you already know me; I became the first ever spokesperson for Viagra. I used to say, “Hey, I used Viagra once and I’ve been hard ever since. People always ask me if it really works, and I just say: Well, see for yourself.” Sure it was a sham, but I have to put food on the table for the wife and myself. Her nipples are always hard. We make it work. Epilogue: But the Sex Though But all that sex though - insane. -NA '19

The Hedge Trimmer

An Inside Look into College Time Management Students across the country complain about how hard it is to balance their schoolwork and their social lives. So I began to wonder: what could be the root cause of this nationwide problem? I decided to shadow a few of my peers who complained about their time management issues to see exactly what they did in their free time and if there was any way that we, as busy college students, can manageably get everything done. Becca Becca is a UGA first year and Biology major who is thinking about med school. The night I shadowed her was a Thursday, so of course she had to go out, attending a formal for her sorority Delta Beta Delta Sig Figs Delta Beta. She complained to me about how she hadn’t gone out since Tuesday, so she really needed it “after such a long dry spell,” even if she had a paper due the next day. She typed half of it before going out and was going to finish the rest after, but she lost her dorm key, phone, wallet, and general sense of well-being at a frat house. Instead, she pulled an all-nighter and rewrote all of it drunk at the MLC. She hasn’t gotten her grade back, but she is confident it will be at least a low A. Randy Randy is a UGA second year and Computer Science major. The Friday I shadowed him, he had his semester long project due at midnight. He was tasked with creating a video game, which he said was lucky since he was really into gaming. For the first few hours of our time together he played Mario Kart and Wii Sports by himself (he didn’t ask me to play with him), claiming he was searching for inspiration, obviously. He then moved to computer games, at first playing Fortnite, and then abruptly switching to Poptropica. He complained about the corporatization of it all, how “it’s not about the game anymore,” and then logged in to his old Webkinz account. I didn’t ask how he still remembered the username and password. He stared into the eyes of his once beloved virtual dog and

No Days Off

whispered, “They took the soul from you, Lassie.” I tried to cheer him up by asking if he ever played Club Penguin and he immediately burst into tears. As the clock ticked closer and closer to midnight, Randy finally decided to submit the assignment with a virus embedded in it, causing it to crash his teacher’s computer. He just needed some more time for that right strike of inspiration. Romona Romona is a UGA third year and Linguistics major with a double minor in Greek and Latin. The night I shadowed her was a Saturday. She had plans to go to a techno show at a local barn, but first she had to finish “this huge translation for Latin and write an essay for Greek.” She spent a lot of time getting ready for the studying: first she lit homemade incense that sparked and smoked a dangerous amount (and made my eyes burn). Then she put on a playlist that’s all songs from an experimental Blue Man Group cover band, in which the musicians just bang garbage can lids together and scream. I asked her if the smoke and the music bothered her while she studied, but she just smiled weirdly and started doing yoga. After all this, she sat at her desk, pulled out a bag of raw arugula, and said she just needed a quick snack before getting started. Instead, she pulled out her phone as she ate the leaves and went on Instagram for a full two hours, never liking a single post. A half hour before the show, she said my presence stressed her out and she couldn’t get anything done if I’m there. So I left, but not before seeing Ramona sigh and pull up Google Translate. I later learned she finished the assignment in time and made it to her concert, because she told me so at sunrise yoga the next morning. Clearly, these experiences show how much professors are overloading us as students. I think this is the call to action lawmakers need in order to lift the burden off those of us just trying to get a proper education. Submitted to Hedge Trimmer drop box at 11:59 pm. -KS '21

The Hedge Trimmer

The Garden of Vegan Lo! Behold, The Vegan Bible, henceforth known as The Vible, or The Vibe, for short. We, the Vegans, have two noble commandments: Thou shall never eat the flesh nor fruit of animals. Thou shall preach the tenets of veganism and spread our creed. Blessed are you, Earth, and all of creation. Through your goodness we have this tempeh to offer, which earth has given and human hands have made. It will become for us the sustenance of life and the killer of all conversations. The chosen few shall spread their wealth of knowledge of superior diet to the ignorant carnivores. Fat with the blood of our fellow animals, they must be dragged into the light of our low-calorie ascendance. By the mystery of this soymilk may we come to share in the divinity of our mother nature, who humbles herself to share in our humanity. And cursed are thee

No Days Off

who consume the earthâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s animals. They shall burn in eternal hellfire, drown in the blood of cows and the yolks of eggs. Their lard-filled veins will boil, and their antipathetic minds will melt into ground beef. Blessed are you, vegans under creation. Through your goodness, fruit of the vine and work of human hands, you give us burgers of beans and cheese of vegans made of nuts, not vegans, though we are sure through your blessings and strict diet it would taste just as devine. In time, these substitutes to the immoral feed of carnivores shall become primary through patience and heavy public protest. On Friday evenings, you shall light candles, join hands, and say the organic psalm: Photosynthesis is really all we need Tofu is good if you just smoked weed We are morally superior Than all those meat eating whores Take no days off to be an apostle Go forth veggies and spread our gospel -SS '21

The Hedge Trimmer

The Ides of Starch Rx: UPDATED DIETARY RESTRICTIONS FOR: CAESAR, JULIUS Dr. HYGIEIA Julius, my man! It was good to see you last Thursday. The new calendar you explained to me is already doing great things for my appointment scheduling. But I’m sending you this parchment to let you know that your test results came back. Turns out you’ve got Celiac Disease, bro. Without going into gross details, I’m going to suggest a restricted diet. Don’t worry, I’ve already run this by your cupbearers, and they think it’ll do you wonders. There are foods from all over your Empire that you need to stray away from. Always remember to "Beware the Ides of Starch." Here’s a list: 1. Pita Gyros: Not even from your favorite place in Greece, Piter at Demeter’s. The bread is making you sick. No more, man. 2. Pita Chips: I promise you, the chips are no different from the bread. 3. Pita and Hummus: Because the hummus doesn’t cover up the pita. 4. Beer: Despite your popular belief, beer isn’t gluten-free, and it’s not normal to feel sick after one chalice-full. 5. Gelato in a Cone: Not eating this might also help that dessert belly that folds over your rope belt, Jules. Just being honest. 6. Bread and Olive Oil: The olive oil is fine, just find something else to dip in it (maybe the fingers of your enemies?). 7. Cheese and Crackers: I know you love your holey cheese, but you’ve got to lay off the crackers that go with it. The Swiss won’t mind. They actually hate when you puke up gluten on the slopes. 8. Quiche: Say au revior to these savory pastries. And I’m surprised that no one has told you that it’s pronounced “keesh” and not “kwi-

No Days Off

chee.” I guess being king of the world has its perks. 9. Tapas: Pretty much all of the Spanish tapas are off-limits. Cue the pan-ban. 10. Pizza: Don’t worry, Little Caesar. Even though you don’t get to eat it, your name will forever be attached to the industry. Pizza, pizza. 11. Pasta: I know, I know, the food of your forefathers. They’ll quit rolling around in their graves eventually. 12. Soft-Shell Taco: No more flour tortillas, man. 13. Croissants: I know they’re flaky, but that’s exactly how you should be towards them. Show ‘em who’s boss, big guy. 14. Petit Fours: No matter how “petit” they are you still shouldn’t eat them. 15. Caesar Salad: It’s the croutons. I’m so sorry. That’s all I’ve got for you, buddy. I know it’s a lot, but you’ve got help surrounding you. I heard that Brutus went Paleo around a month ago, so he should be a good resource. Always remember these 15 glutenous things, Julius; beware them. SPQR, guy. Over and out. Julius Caesar looks up from his prescription, shakes his fists in the air, and asks the fabled rhetorical question: “Et Tu, Glutē?” -MD '19

Maddi Huff

The Hedge Trimmer

Telemarketer Call AT&T Call Transcription: 03.05.18 at 8:06 a.m. Duration: 7 minutes

1800-xxx-xxxx: Good morning! Am I speaking with the head of the household? 678-xxx-xxxx: Oh, hi. Well... my wife and I just split, so I1800-xxx-xxxx: Congratulations! I’d like to offer you an Indonesia Adventure Cruise for the whole family! 678-xxx-xxxx: Oh… great… 1800-xxx-xxxx: And how are you doing this morning, sir? 678-xxx-xxxx: I’ve been better to be honest. 1800-xxx-xxxx: Great, thanks for asking! Now I’d like to take some time to run through what our company offers. Would that be alright with you? 678-xxx-xxxx: Sure, the hours are passing pretty slowly.

but none like the seas of Indonesia. 678-xxx-xxxx: Yeah, my wife and I went there once. Forever ago. I mean, ten years we were married. And this... just out of nowhere. 1800-xxx-xxxx: Beautiful, right? And we offer a special spa package for couples! 678-xxx-xxxx: It was probably the band. We had a good gig going before we got washed up. 1800-xxx-xxxx: Wash up on the shores of Bali just in time to catch some rays! And678-xxx-xxxx: And the long hair. She liked the long hair. 1800-xxx-xxxx: -and, and for the best price you’ll ever get. So if you don’t have any more questions, then we can678-xxx-xxxx: Do you think there’s such a thing as “the one”? Or do we just kind of aimlessly choose our lovers and never know what we’re missing? 1800-xxx-xxxx: Uh, sir, I’m not sure I-

1800-xxx-xxxx: Great to hear! We offer excursions all over the world, 678-xxx-xxxx: What I’m won-

No Days Off dering is, have I lost my chance? You know, is this it for me? Will I die alone in a room of cat feces and boxes of photos from my great nephew’s graduation? 1800-xxx-xxxx: ...A week in Indonesia is certainly a chance you don’t want to miss! 678-xxx-xxxx: I was so sick of being the only one trying. It’s like she wanted us to fail. And we succeeded. 1800-xxx-xxxx: Did you say “sea”? Well let me tell you-

1800-xxx-xxxx: ... 678-xxx-xxxx: Always moderation, moderation, moderation. Everything with moderation. Well what about moderation, then, Cassandra? Should I be doing that moderately, too? Because that sure seems to imply I should only be doing things half as moderately. Answer me THAT, Cassandra! 1800-xxx-xxxx: ...Sir, by company policy, I cannot hang up this phone, so if you would like to pass-

678-xxx-xxxx: Damn you, Cassandra, and your always having to 678-xxx-xxxx: That’s interesting, be right. And perfect. And intelliactually. If our goal was to fail and gent. And curious and intoxicating we failed, did we succeed? and blonde. And making that little squirrel sound when you sneeze 1800-xxx-xxxx: Great questions, where you- *voice cracks* sir. Now will you be paying with credit or debit? 1800-xxx-xxxx: Sir, I never expected to say this, but I’m going to sug678-xxx-xxxx: I mean, sure, I’d have gest you hang up tha beer or eight with the boys every now and then, but678-xxx-xxxx: *click* 1800-xxx-xxxx: ...Did I mention the all-inclusive drinks package?

*muffled, in background* Honey, was that the cruise ship guy again?

678-xxx-xxxx: To call it a “problem with moderation” seems a little excessive.

Don’t worry, Cass, he won’t call back. -EM '18

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