Identity Crisis by thehedgetrimmer

Table of Contents A Letter from the Editor..................................................................Page 4 Hypochondriac...............................................................................Page 5 Headlines...................................................................................Page 6, 7 The Monroe Incident...................................................................Page 8, 9 . It's a Hard World After All.............................................................Page 11 Would You Survive a Mongol Invasion? ........................................Page 12 Shorts..........................................................................................Page 12 Mirror, Mirror // Horoscopes........................................................Page 13 J's Movie Corner...........................................................................Page 14 My Grandma Crazy........................................................................Page 15 The Adventures of Frog Frog and Rocko // Horoscopes..................Page 16 Robot Vasectomy..........................................................................Page 17 Neuroscience Crossword..............................................................Page 18 Lost Glasses // Horoscopes..........................................................Page 19 Korea // Horoscopes...................................................................Page 20 Classicism Conundrum.................................................................Page 21 LSD, But For Kids!......................................................................Page 22 Swimming Lessons with Ted Kennedy............................................Page 23

“Made for Students, by Students, and When We Run Out of Paper, Out of Students.”

“Identity Crisis” Editorial Board

Staff Writers and Artists

EDITOR IN CHIEF Grayson Harper, '20 MANAGING EDITOR Carolyn Borkowski, '21 LAYOUT EDITOR Kristin Storck, '21 ART EDITOR Maddi Huff, '20 *

Michael Akintonwa '19 Matthew Carpenter '21 Nathan Cherukuri '19 Matt Chrzanowski '19 Andi Clements Grad Ulises Deras '19 Ali Haider '19 Alejandra Jiminez '20 Danielle Osakwe '22 Mary Schauf '22 Sam Thomas '20 Michaela Wilkins '21 Madeline Zimmer '20

* Maddi Huff also immensely helped with layout :)

Come and Join Us! facebook.com/thehedgetrimmermag/ thehedgetrimmer.com The Hedge Trimmer is a magazine produced by students of the University of Georgia. The University of Georgia is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to names, characters, or events, real or fictional, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental.

A Letter from the Editor I'm going to get straight to the point, have you seen Ben Goren or Maggie Dryden? We have absolutely no idea where they went. Earlier this year I received a letter placing me, Grayson Harper, as responsible for this magazine in lieu of their absence. I am lost without them, and I have no idea who I am without their wisdom and guidance.

half of the 1%. You will be confronted with a Grandma named Crazy, Ted Kennedy, blind men, movie reviews, LSD and KFC. We have only one wish as your hopes and dreams become muddled with your constant search for inner peace and identity: Take a second, pause, and read. Allow yourself to be found in our humor. Like my grandma once said before Alzheimer's got the better of her, “Humor is the best medicine”. My Grandma was quoted a year later saying, “In case Byron is getting handsy again, sometimes I have been having a good time down by the docks, my factory has children”. So, sure, humor isn’t that effective. But you get the point.

Consequentially, we at The Hedge Trimmer Magazine have no idea who we are. Any advice, pointers, dinner recommendations, or bowling tips would be greatly appreciated. It is a transitional time for us, and while the very nature of transition is that of uncertainty, we believe we have come out of it with a product ready for you to enjoy. Like my father once said, kissing your sister is only okay This one is for you, Grams. if you really believe it. In our first issue of the year, Identity Crisis, a few things will happen. You will be engaged by the manic journal of a psychiatrist. You will be brought to tears by stories of animorphism, and challenged academically by a neuroscience crossword puzzle. You will receive socioeconomic commentary from America’s bottom

Grayson Harper Editor-in-Chief

HYPOCHONDRIAC

Noun ~ A person who takes on the symptoms of others...sometimes to an extreme extent NC '19

September 10th, Mark came in with feelings of sadness and loneliness. He complained about not wanting to get out of bed in the morning for the past 2 weeks. I told him not to worry about it; everyone has those things. I mean I hate getting up! W ho gets out of bed right after they wake up? Those are the people with a mental il lness if you ask me. I was in the bathroom later that day and decided to leaf through the DSM-5. And what do ya know, Mark did have depression! W hat does that mean for me, do I have depression? September 11th, Bil l came in today complaining about feeling anxious. I was so depressed after discovering I had depression I didn’t even listen to him. I took 8 shots of vod ka to help me cope before he came in, and by then I was so wasted I couldn’t hear him even if I wanted to. But hey, I’m so depressed! It’s not good for me to hear about other people’s problems. As he was tel ling me about how nervous he was al l the time, it real ly brought me back to this one time I got pul led over on my way to Baskin Robins. Man was I nervous he was gonna find the crystal meth I hid in the trunk for emergencies! Terrified that I may have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I quickly went to the bathroom to once again, take a look in the DSM-5. Feelings of worry: Check! Irritability: Check! September 12th. Aaron came in saying he was hal lucinating and said he thought people were spying on him at night. I told him he was crazy for not knowing that the government had us al l under surveil lance 24/7/365. He ran out of the room screaming! After he left I was flipping through the DSM-5 and noticed the symptoms for schizophrenia. They included delusions of grandeur. Did that mean I real ly wasn’t better than everyone else? Ridiculous! But I kept reading, and another symptom was hal lucinations. I proceeded to blink my eyes real ly hard and saw some floaty things. That’s when I realized Aaron gave me schizophrenia. September 13th, It’s honestly a daily struggle dealing with my depression, anxiety and schizophrenia. Oh I almost forgot, Mark kil led himself today by jumping off his 12 story apartment building onto the pavement, and he had my name in his suicide letter! I was pretty flattered when I heard the news despite the fact that the suicide note read, “Maybe I wouldn’t be kil ling myself if Dr. Brink treated my depression.” Al l press is good press right? Plus when I saw that Baskin Robbins’ flavor of the month was Mint Chocolate Chip I considered taking my own life too.

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Tips for focusing I learned at concentration camp

Life alert subscriber realizes he didn’t sign up for lime alert, signaling when his damn margarita is ready

World’s Last Black Rhino Gunned Down By Police

Painfully Clear It’s Maybelline

Nike x N Air Fo orth Kor e rce U n Dro a Collab A pping n This O nounced: ctobe r

Conservative Dads Outraged After Learning Hot Dog Identifies as Sandwich

Cuffing Season! 7 Romantic Ways to Get Arrested This Fall

y e Th l Bull g n a 1 ati oc Be ds! L izes 1 l Od spita o H

Studies Show My Ex Girlfriend is a Whore

Fly on H 7 i The 2 F ppo Realizes L oo ife po’s Bu t Circumferen is Bigger than tthole ce Arou nd Hip -

Eat My Heart out! This Kid Let 10 Hungry Bears Into the Hotel During His Family’s Vacation to Pigeon Forge

Chimps Have Sneaking Suspicion Scientists Just Don’t Like Them

Corn Farmer Arrested For Stalking

New Research Shows Plastic Straws Aren’t Actually A Problem; That One Turtle Was Just A Dumbass

New Research Shows Plastic Straws Aren’t Actually a Problem; That One Turtle Was Just a Dumbass

Spider Webs: Gross or Just Nature’s Cotton Candy?

Man ! k a a e r e Str al A Hot iration er, Wife Insp s Canc t Bea

The Monroe Incident October 4th 1973 Somewhere outside Monroe, Michigan "Dammit, Tim" says Anthony as he shuffles his little feet and positions himself near the window. Anthony slightly jerks his head down, up, left, and right to look at the vast farm. The freedom, the opportunity, the clucks of his brethren beckon him. "I mean, it just really sucks. There's Spider-Man, you know, and he gets the girls. And I get bit by ONE radioactive chicken and boom. I'm fucking Chicken-Man.” “How many girls you know want to date Chicken-man, Tim? That's what I thought”. Tim looks at the floor awkwardly, "Well with that attitude no one is gonna want to date you Anthony! I told you last week, its all about confidence.” He replies. Anthony pauses and scratches his left wing. His eyes then lock with himself in the mirror across the room. "Cluck", says Anthony. There he stood around 6 feet tall. Picture a giant chicken, but with human hair on the top of his head. Now imagine the rest of his body being the worst possible combination of human and chicken parts. He has a feathery covering, but an uncomfortably visible belly button. He has a two proportionally correct wings, as well as two horribly hairy legs. Anthony has consulted many specialists, they told him he was extremely unlucky to turn into a chicken but they implored him to be thankful that at the very least he can still speak. And he was a good looking chicken as far as chicken standards go. On his loneliest of nights he ventures out to fertilize the eggs in the chicken coup. Economically, this has been a blessing. Anthony-fertilized eggs yield incredible returns, with the chicks hatched averaging 67% larger than normal-chicken fertilized eggs.

GH '20

9 "Tim?", questions Anthony. "Yes Anthony?" Tim replies. "What if I just commit to being a chicken? Like instead of being Chicken-man, I'm just chicken?" Would Anthony be giving up, or gaining dignity? Tim was well aware that as a chicken, Anthony was a God. The females adored him and the males cowered to him. And among humans, he was nothing but a sideshow, a pariah, a freak. "It’s really up to you, you know I’d support you no matter what" affirms Tim. While pacing In the corner, Anthony replies ”I just think its the right thing to do. I can provide the farm with so much money and…and…I can be free”. “You know what Anthony? Spread your wings and fly” Tim says softly. Silence follows this statement. Anthony walks towards the door defeated. “Tim” he mutters, “Chickens can't fly”.

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CB '21

Shorts!

Carol, My Dad’s Girlfriend GH '20

My family? Well, My Dad’s girlfriend Carol is a real piece of work. “I can be your new mom” She says when I push her buttons. “You need to go use the potty?” She always asks when I grind her gears. “Lets go get some Ice Cream, it’s your favorite!” She without-a-doubt exclaims every time I pull her strings. “Battery Low!” She states at around 9:30 PM nightly when I forget to plug her in. So to answer your question Jessica, I mean my family is as weird as any other family. But yea, no, my Dad is lonely and my Mom died when I was 3. Tell me a little about yourself?

Dick Pics CB '21

Governing Question ST '20

Who am I? Says the Governor. Wealthy. Said the homeless man. Greedy. Said the religious man. Who said that? Said the blind man.

Doppelgänger CB '21

Hey man, I think I saw my doppelgänger today! Really? *Looks Down* I see mine every day.

DO '22

MC '21

Horoscopes Hedge Trimmer By The

ARIES: If you consider a six foot pile of rich dirt a fortune, then the stars are gonna bury you in wealth this week. TAURUS: Mercury dominates your love life this month, Taurus, so maybe pour a little in your hubby’s nightcap like you’ve been dreaming of and be done with it. GEMINI: Something wonderful is in store for The Twins as we pass into October, but they have always been your parents favorites so you’ll probably get nothing. Again.

J’s Movie Movie J’s Corner Corner Hi this is J and I like movies. I approached the Hedge Trimmer to review some movies. Here are my reviews for some movies they told me to watch. I hope this column will be the push I need to establish a career, and rekindle the flames of me and my horrible wife’s marriage.

A Beautiful Mind

Russell Crowe plays John Nash, a nerd who develops dumb brain from doing that dumb nerd thing with numbers. Paul Bettany, who plays Vision in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, plays his fake ass friend who is somehow even less cool than Vision, who is played by Paul Bettany in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. His ability to add numbers together ends up being totally pranked by his meds, so he stops to stand up to Big Pharma. He then goes back to his super prestigious job working with numbers. I’d give this movie a lower score but it inspired me to stop taking my meds, and I feel free. 2/5 Lithium Pills I’m not Taking anymore

Black Swan

Chadwick Boseman’s performance as T’Challa – the real identity of the movies titular hero – is wonderful. The incredible futuristic lands of Wakanda are made all that much more incredible with imagery of a people still in touch with their native traditions. The villain is refreshingly easy to sympathize with and between the fantastic score, exhilarating fight scenes, and touching story, I’d rank this film as one of Marvel’s best. 4.5/5 POCs (Panthers of Color)

Moonlight

*Redacted due to insensitive language* 3/5 *Redacted due to insensitive language*

Fight Club

This movie inspired me to fight my dad. I lost. 0/5 stitches that I had to get across my penis

AH '19

My Grandma Crazy Scene: Classroom Mr. Smith Between you and me, that wasn’t the first time I thought of George Washington naked. And if it goes like that every time, it sure won’t be the last. Speaking of naked people, I was talking to my grandmother the other day and she said, “the size of a male’s member oft matters not”. Believe or not, my grandmother sure knows her way around a man if you know what I mean. I’m talking about my grandmas a slut. So she was saying to me, you’re lucky that yours is average. What’s that? How does my grandma know the size of my matrimonial peacemaker? We’ve all done crazy things when we’re drunk, right? Sorry, Crazy is the nickname my family gave my grandma. As I was saying, she said I was lucky. Lucky? No, no, “Grandma”, I said, “Grandma, lucky would be me not having to spread Vaporub on my whore of wife’s chest because she had a cold because she decided to go do it with some guy while laying in a puddle”. God, talking with your family at Christmas can be such a bother, right? Anyways Cornelius, like I was saying before, you better not disrupt my class again or I’ll call your parents. Cornelius Yes Mr. Smith! It’s only the third week of fourth grade and I’m already learning so much!

MS '22

PLAR blog posts?

MC '21

Horoscopes Hedge Trimmer By The

CANCER: Your stars show that a new love interest will cross your path in an unusual place. It’s gonna be rough to fall for the nurse who pulls the plug, but hey, won’t be bad for long, right? LEO: When the going gets tough, you’ll just give up. Won’t you? Isn’t that why your relationships never work out? You should listen to your mother and get back with your ex, he was really a good guy. It’s a shame you let him slip away like that. VIRGO: A surprise is in store for you in the form of a life threatening new food allergy! At the Georgia Peanut Convention! Count those blessings and bring your EpiPen!

MW '21

Neuroscience Crossword Oh you thought this was a joke? We meant actual fucking neuroscience bitch

Across 5. A large cell adhesion molecule that binds integrins.

Down 1. Pathologically slow movement. 2. Orientation of growth in response to an external stimulus. 3. A line found in both the sacculus and utricle that divides the hair cells into two populations with opposing hair bundle polarities. 4. Loss of color vision as a result of damage to extrastriate visual cortex. 6. The dense tangle of axonal and

dendritic branches, and the synapses between them, that lies between neuronal cell bodies in the gray matter of the brain and spinal cord.

Answers Across

5. Fibronectin

Down 1. Bradykinesia 2. Tropism 3. Striola 4. Achromatopsia 6. Neuropil

Why are the answers so big? Because we know y'all don't know shit about neuroscience. Educate yourself.

DO '22

MC '21

Horoscopes Hedge Trimmer By The

LIBRA: Libra...Libraâ&#x20AC;Ś uhh yeah, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m not seeing you on the list here, how did you say you know the stars again? SCORPIO: Old problems will come back to haunt you this week. Mommy is back baby, and soon the world will know you needed her dead for your cut of the inheritance. You can run, but the bookies will find you. They always do. SAGITTARIUS: The stars show a new contract in the midst of being finalized, keep pushing for what you want, Sag! Being able to play the Freebird solo is totally worth what the Devil charges.

MC '21

Horoscopes Hedge Trimmer By The

CAPRICORN: Blessings do come in disguise, though they may be hard to see at times. Sure, having a full out stroke seems bad, but you won’t have to get dinner with your step-dad this week. So, silver lining, right? AQUARIUS: Hey Aquarius, remember last week I told you things were on the up? I had my chart upside down. Just put your head down and keep truckin’. Finish that bottle, pick up smoking again, quit that job! It’s still a long way to rock bottom my friend, don’t let up now! PISCES: Oh shit. Shit shit shit shit. That wasn’t a cat you brought in last night that was a wolverine, man. We have got to get out of here. That thing is insane. I’m losing a lot of blood here pal. Take this steak, I’m gonna go for help, you lure it into the kitchen. I’ll be right back, I promise.

A Classicism Conundrum

Thaddeus Chadwick Chetsworth IV is who I am. Son of Thaddeus Chadwick Chetsworth III, the best middle market hedge fund manager in the New England area. I’m captain of the St. Andrews Lacrosse team, and my head is home to the sickest lettuce outside of the produce aisle. When I’m not busy ripping ched and hitting sick BTB’s on the lax field, I’m probably texting your girl. That’s who I am. However, there’s one part of my identity that I can’t figure out. And it haunts me day in and day out. Am I rich? I don’t know. My dad makes enough for me to drive his lifted Land Rover and he gave me enough cash to develop a cocaine problem at the age of 17, but I’m not Jeffrey Alexander Oakwood VII. That punk thinks that he owns the halls of St. Andrew's Catholic School just because his dad is a Bulge Bracket CFO at Goldman. And he may be right. Last week, me and my boy Topher rolled up to a party in my Rove’ with the Crown Royal and Grey Goose that my parents bought me. Ten minutes later he shows up in a McClaren 570S Spider with a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle that he stole from his parent’s collection. Bethany was all over him, and she doesn’t like niche craft whiskey brands. Last week, I posted a picture on my Dad’s boat “ROI.” Immediately after, Jeffrey Alexander Oakwood VII throws up a picture of him on his family’s boat “EBITDA”. Seriously Oakwood family? Real chicken shit move. Yes, EBITDA is the superior measure for evaluating financial statements, but don’t act like you were doing something original. Regardless, guess who’s in the picture with him. That’s right, you guessed it, Haley Joel Osment. He’s partying with the 3rd best child actor from the late 90’s and I’m stuck here with some wannabe Instagram models on Cape Cod. Talk about unfair. It’s a shame I was born the son of a lowly middle market hedge fund manager, forever stuck in the wealth limbo that is the bottom half of the 1%. Oh well, this is burden I was born to bear, and I’m proud to be a martyr for wealthy poor people across the nation. Well I must be wrapping this up, I have to catch the helicopter to the Sox game or else there won’t be any lobster left in the box.

MC '19

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Swimming Lessons with Ted Kennedy

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I’ve swam my entire life. Every time I touch the water I feel even more exhilarated than the time I first kissed a man. Some would say I got a little too into that wrestling match, but still, I enjoyed myself. Growing up, swimming was the one of the few things I truly felt myself in. It really made me different from my brothers. Well that, and I’m one of the few Kennedys who wasn’t responsible for the death of Marilyn Monroe- but c’mon who wasn’t? It was the sixties! Other things I like: hanging with friends, having quality family time, and brothers who don’t get shot. I believe in doing what you love, that’s why I make it an effort not to sleep with my wife! Also, I help those in need. One time, my friend came up to me and said “Hey Ted, you see that group of people over there, they look like they need help!”. And I said, “what group of people? All I see is a bunch of women!”. To which I then followed up with, “They do need like they need help! Hey ladies, you look pregnant, are you pregnant? I thought so! Here’s some Jack Daniels, blood thinners, and peanuts!” “I can’t have peanuts, if I eat them I die because I’m allergic!” “Sorry ma’am it’s the sixties and allergies don’t exist yet!”. Now I know that it doesn’t sound like great advice, but there was just things we didn’t know were bad back then. Like doing blow with Sinatra at your niece’s first communion-bad! (at least I think that’s what the Priest said to me, again, a lot of blow). In conclusion, I make it an effort to work with my clients until they succeed! It’s like my mom always says, “hard work pays off”, she also said, “herpes is the aids of sexually transmitted diseases”. References: “He’s no Jack, also I’ve been dead for fifty years!”- Joseph P. Kennedy Sr. “Knitting is something I like to do sometimes.”- Rose Kennedy “Sure, I’m dead but if I had taken these lessons maybe I would have been alive today!”- Mary Jo Kopechne

MS '22

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