GYM JUNKIES HIT HARD

By Maddie McShane

A lot of us have been hit hard by the current restrictions imposed. But undoubtedly none more than gym kids.

When the PM’s orders for the closure of many of the nation’s services, including fitness centres, came into force on March 23rd, many were hit hard by the initial shock. “At first, I didn’t believe it. I knew things were bad, but I didn’t really understand how things could be closing-the-gym-bad.” Said Jake Lewis, a self-proclaimed “gym shark.”

Others had their influencing prospects crushed.

“It was absolutely heart wrenching.” Said Marley Jean, Adelaide born Anytime-Fitness regular and part-time OptiSlim ambassador. “I mean, my socials were just recovering from the whole bushfire shit, I wasn’t equipped for this.” Marley had hoped this year would bring growth to her recently established Instagram account, which she frequently used as a platform to promote the new Opti-Slim protein powders, and up to a 60 second time-lapses of herself doing squats overlayed with Drake songs.

“The protein spread just really doesn’t look the same in the backyard.”

PsychMed’s leading psychologist Dr. Wilson. notes that the devastation of gym closures has been instrumental in the mental health issues among gym goers, recording a 32% rise in the level of young muscly adults seeking her services.

“The spike in young gymsharks seeking psychological help seems to be directly related to the revelatory discovery many are making that they do not, in fact, have a personality. Dr. Wilson notes that this can profoundly distort one’s sense of identity.

“There was also a common theme of loneliness, as many gym-goers began to come to terms with the fact that their spin-cycle teacher was not really their friend, and that their Instagram followers are not actually people they can turn to for real life support.”

Now, just over a month since the initial closures, there have been many different behavioural responses from gym kids coming to terms with their lack of character.

Many people have reverted to working out from home, asserting dominance over the spare room Mum was thinking about turning into an office. Thankfully, the world’s growing dependence on social media has ensured these young athletes are able to broadcast their workout activities to society that they are in fact, still hotter and fitter than you are. For some, this has actually brought out a degree of creativity they weren’t aware they possessed.

“It’s really brought out my crafty streak. Mum’s broom? New weights bar. Impressive, hey?” Jake effuses.

Others have found the change in exercise style greatly confronting.

Local student Casey Carlson declares “Running outside sucks. Half the time its freezing, and I’m literally not allowed to hire my PT come along for pointers.”

Some sportspeople, however, have been turning to new hobbies in attempt to quash their gym withdrawals, taking up things like vlogging, music, and actually reading the pile of health books they have been telling their friends about for years. 23-year-old Brett Mileson is hopeful. “I reckon if this iso goes on another couple of months, by the time the gym doors are back open I should have the first, hey maybe even the second verse of ‘Riptide’ down pat on the uke.”

There are reports all over the country of inspiring stories like Brett’s.

“What we may be seeing here is a revolutionary shift in gym junkie culture.” Says social analyst David Nagore.

“These are uncertain times, but we are hopeful that if current conditions prevail, we may begin to see a dramatic decline in the influences of toxic gym culture. Already we are seeing almost 40% less dating profiles featuring squat-jump Boomerangs. So yes, we are hopeful.”

WHICH FIELD OF LAW IS YOUR DESTINY? A Quiz by Grace Jin

1.YOUR FAVOURITE FORMER AUSSIE HIGH COURT JUDGE IS…

A) Chief Justice Dixon B) Chief Justice Brennan C) As an aspiring future High Court judge I am practicing the elimination of bias, so refuse to answer this question. D) Justice Gaudron E) Chief Justice Mason F) Justice Kirby <33

2.MILK OR CEREAL FIRST?

A) All fit and proper people choose cereal B) As Ed would say, ‘I don’t care’ C) Bowl (I am an intellectual) D) Milk, for the controversy. E) Pfft please my street cred couldn’t take the hit, I only consume French toast F) Mind your own, it’s within my rights in this free country to pour either one first!

3.YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN…

A) Happiness B) Love C) Impossibility D) Luck E) Boundaries F) Karma

4.WHY ARE YOU STUDYING LAW AT UOFA?

A) For the clout B) For the drama C) Because having legal knowledge is an asset, and law is interesting! D) To learn how to get away with things without being held legally accountable E) I settled for UofA after Melbourne and Sydney rejected me ;( F) I am passionate about helping people in need

5.DO YOU HAVE AN INSTA THEME?

A) The key is to use the same filter, doesn’t matter which one B) No theme! Chaos is real, so chaos is good :) C) Just some light touch-ups or a subtle filter for that casual, effortless aesthetic D) Serious Insta posts are for losers, people with character only trash post memes E) VSCO all the way bby! F) Monochrome photos only, theatrical flair is *mwah*

6.PICK THE MOST ICONIC THING TO COME OUT OF 2020:

A) Bernie’s ‘I am once again asking for your financial support’ B) Animal Crossing: New Horizons C) Mark’s rap song on the PPSA D) Oop, there goes the Chancellor and ViceChancellor E) Parasite winning 4 Oscars F) The COVID-19 pandemic, DUH!