WHICH FIELD OF LAW IS YOUR DESTINY?

7.THE UGLIEST WORD IS… A) ‘Debt’ B) ‘Curd’ C) ‘Exam’ D) ‘Guilt’ E) ‘Moist’ F) ‘Purge’

8.FAVOURITE ORIGINAL AVENGER?

A) Black Widow B) Hawkeye C) Iron Man D) Loki’s an Avenger, right? E) Thor F) Captain America

9.IT’S FRIDAY NIGHT, YOU’RE…

A) Either hitting the gym to work on your gains, or hitting the clubs to show off said gains B) Sharing the bathtub with a Lush Dragon’s Egg C) Tucking your textbook under your pillow for good luck D) On TikTok learning how to Renegade, still recovering from the cancellation of Groovin the Moo E) At Africola with friends, giggling over a glass of red F) Harassing the KFC drive thru attendant for more! buckets! of popcorn chicken

10. WHICH QUOTE RESONATES WITH YOU MOST?

A) “It’s the oldest story in the world. One day you’re seventeen and planning for someday. And then, quietly, and without you ever really noticing, someday is today. And then someday is yesterday. And this is your life.” (Nathan Scott, ‘One Tree Hill’) B) “Cinderella never asked for a prince. She asked for a night off and a dress.” (Kiera Cass) C) “You are beautiful, but you are empty. No one could die for you.” (Antoine de Saint-Exupéry) D) “The truth is like a lion. You don’t need to defend it, let it loose. It will defend itself.” (St. Augustine) E) “Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?” (Charles Bukowski) F) “She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn’t supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something.” (Rainbow Rowell)

RESULTS:

MOSTLY AS: CORPORATE LAW I have no words. And you have no soul. Next.

(Kidding! In all seriousness you’re probably dedicated, likely ambitious, and definitely a hard worker. Corporate law requires some serious work ethic and passion for the cause, so congrats on fulfilling that requirement! Chances are you also have a competitive streak the width of the Pacific and are a rather sore loser, but no biggie, because your lawful good energy and sharp observation skills make you the ideal corporate lawyer. I’d call you an angel, but what can I say, the devil’s in the details.)

MOSTLY BS: FAMILY LAW Prenups! Domestic violence! Child welfare! Divorce! You seem unfazed by madness and mayhem, and nothing bothers you all that much. Or at the very least, you’re good at compartmentalising and not taking things personally, or just have an immense passion for family law. I suppose the alternative is you had a stable, loving upbringing where happily married parents had the time to nurture you into a mentally healthy individual with empathy and integrity, who has never been scarred by their family and now wants to help others through a difficult time…but probably not.

MOSTLY CS: INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY LAW Did somebody say underappreciated? Oh wait, that was me, talking about you. You understand the importance of protecting ownership of intangible things, and are willing to put in the work to defend those rights. You’re so good at logical reasoning while also appreciating creative liberties that you could have it patented. What is corporeal reality anyway? Regardless, it’s probably overrated. Here there be dragons, or whatever that phrase is. Ooh, maybe you should patent that too?

MOSTLY DS: CRIMINAL LAW Woah, I spot a bit of a wildcard! Advocacy is your friend, but justice is your queen, yet uneasy lies the head that wears a crown. So hello, future officer of the court. While you’re very persuasive, and are dead-set on ensuring that justice is served and the right people are held accountable, sometimes you can’t help worrying that justice lies with the other party’s success. Although with the way I designed this quiz, landing on this option means your answers may have been concerning and/or morally questionable, so hopefully you’ll be the prosecutor and not the prosecuted…

MOSTLY ES: INTERNATIONAL LAW Navigating transborder relations?! Sounds important, and probably safest to be reserved for somebody who best understands how to navigate social waters without being chomped on by a shark. Seems like you’re often the life of the party, yet remain intelligent and kind. Open-minded yet willing to stand up for your own beliefs, you’re not afraid to embrace contrasting aspects of your personality and be unapologetically yourself…seriously, the UN needs you.

MOSTLY FS: CIVIL RIGHTS LAW If there were ever a pro-liberty, pro-freedom, pro-equality, pro-justice diva of an advocate, it would be you. Employment discrimination? Voting restrictions? Police brutality? You have a very big bone to pick with all of them. And so you should! Advocacy is your passion, and you love to make it known that you are a strong supporter and protector of civil rights and liberties. Whatever you do, you own it; the dramatic flair is just a bonus. The world is your oyster, and you’ve just swallowed it whole.

ONCE YOUR BODY IS NEAR ASHES, THEN YOU HAVE MY PERSIMMON TO DIE

By Heath Früt L'chaim

There is little joy more unique and special than that of the promise of fruit from one’s fruit tree. You feel like part of something special. Anyone can get fruit from the supermarket, but these were exclusive, in limited supply and almost certainly came with the guarantee that ‘they taste better’. Oh yes, this fruit was always ‘sweeter and juicier’ than the pathetic store-bought stuff that was fondled by that little wiener kid Andrew whose hands have been more places than the Yellow Pages finger logo (Rest in Pages).

The only thing sweeter than the promise was the anticipation of what the fruit could be, the options swirl through the mind like the wheel in the Price is Right, it’s like a night out with the boys or a night in with your partner, either way, you can’t lose. Alas, persimmons. They excitedly tell you that they have ‘a bag of them’ with your name on it, not a few, not even a bunch, always a bag. There was no pretence that they wanted to keep some or save some for someone else, they just wanted them out of their garden and out of their house. The struggle to recall the fruit is a struggle for sure but it comes, ‘now that is a name I haven’t heard in a long time’. The tomatoshaped fruit had the weakest of orange colourations and was remarkable in how unremarkable it was.

In critiquing anything one must justify their own biases or hypocrisy, other fruit outliers (fruitliers) do exist. A plum, for instance, makes no sense, its dark purple exterior is so at odds with its yellow centre it would make a first-time consumer sick, so why do we accept them? It’s because they’re familiar and because the Simpsons quote ‘a single plum, floating in perfume, served in a man’s hat’ is iconic. A plum tastes like a plum, it’s distinctive and delicious, the best a persimmon-giver can do is assure you that it’s not ‘the other type’ of persimmon and that ‘these ones taste like vanilla’. It’s unclear how or why fruit-giving could have such racist undertones, but life finds a way. Why must it taste like vanilla, why not like, a persimmon? Thank you for crushing the hope for a better future and rubbing salt in by reminding us of a better flavour. It is hope, the purest of emotions, that can torture us in untold ways if falsely held. Rats in a lowly-filled bucket of water die quickly without hope and with less pain than those who falsely believe they could escape a bucket filled to a higher level. But a peek into the promised land, where you receive figs or mandarins is always better than a plateaued existence. We can only appreciate wonders such as fuji apples and strawberries by comparing them to dreads such as persimmons or Logan Pauls.

That is why the only thing as unremarkable and disappointing as persimmons are the people that outwardly profess their love for them, contrarians. If only US Senator Joe McCarthy had pursued these c-words perhaps he would be more fondly

remembered. Their personality is that they want their personality to be different, their love for the nuance of Adam Sandler’s later works is matched only by their love for hating the first six seasons of Game of Thrones. But therein lies the problem, they don’t actually like persimmons, they didn’t ‘catch themselves laughing’ during Jack and Jill (2011), they don’t actually believe in anything. The first six seasons of Game of Thrones was something these blood-sucking, surface-scratchers would never experience – it was the ultimate wank shame. You knew you a lot of what was going on well didn’t sit with you and maybe you felt forced to watch, but the payoff would be huge. Instead, there was an unexpected and unwelcome man who appeared on screen at the most crucial time – you had just wasted an eternity for a payoff that never came, though you may have, and no amount of discussion boards could validate or reassure you about the mistake you made. But a silver lining exists where season eight’s plot didn’t – you do not live unless you know what you live for, I loved the first six seasons of Game of Thrones, and this pain is all I have left of it, also I fucking hate persimmons.