Magical Games - House Elf Legendary Parkour

illustrated by KackelDackel

written by MagicMischiefNL

In the Spring 2022 edition of the Quibbler, on page 77, a question is posed asking why there are hardly any widespread magical sports competitions except for Quidditch. I would like to help point the author of the question, and the readers of the Quibbler, to the remarkable House Elf Legendary Parkour Cup- A very special magical tournament in which I have had the pleasure of being one of the referees.

The House Elf Legendary Parkour Cup, or, The H.E.L.P. cup, is a competition where the best House Elves of each house compete against each other in different challenges that all relate to their day to day activities, but in the extreme. Over the years, several additions have been made to the different challenges that the competition requires the Elves to compete in. And, sadly, some very interesting challenges have been lost due to public discussions and extensive criticism about how appropriate they were. Like the infamous Snapping Dragon Apparition challenge, where a House Elf had to wait until the very last moment to disapparate before a dragon would snap its maw shut on them. The high mortality rate of this challenge was the cause for this to be banned globally in 1950 by decree of the H.E.L.P. Organising Committee.

There are close to twenty different challenges in which the House Elves compete, but these are the five most famous:

• Heavy Weight Levitation The house elves have to show the strength of their wandless magic to levitate increasingly heavier trunks to a height of 10 feet.

• Long Distance Apparition This challenge presents the House Elves with a map on which marks have been placed at increasing distances. At each marked location, a special marker can be found. The house-elf must retrieve each marker in a single apparition jump, and is tracked by a special trace that is placed on the elf for this competition. The elf that manages to collect the most markers, and can thus jump farthest in a single apparition, wins.

• The 100-plates-1-mile run House elves have a remarkable sense of balance, allowing them to carry huge stacks of, for example, plates. In this challenge, each House Elf picks up a stack of one-hundred plates, and is required to run a one mile track, without letting any of the plates fall to the ground. Losing a plate is an instant forfeit of the challenge.

• Butter-sock-battering All elves are supplied with a sock stuffed with butter (referees hand out the socks, preventing the unintentional release of House Elves due to their master presenting them with clothing). Next, they all try to bash each other senseless until one Elf is left standing. As the butter melts and is spread over the floor of the arena and the Elves themselves, everything gets increasingly slippery and it becomes ever more challenging to hit each other.

• Chimney Diving A parkour of chimneys with different designs and sizes is placed in the arena. The House Elves have to compete against the clock and use their parkour skills to climb up each chimney, dive down through it and then continue on to the next one. They do not need to follow a specific order, but each chimney must be gone through. They are not allowed to apparate during the challenge to speed things up. This is a test of mad parkour skills, something in which all House Elves excel, even though most people do not know this as they pay very little attention to their House Elves.

Depending on the region where the H.E.L.P. Cup is being held, specific local challenges can be included as well. Like the infamous Camel Hump Jump in Egypt. The ever entertaining Dolphin estafette in Hawaii, and the remarkable Chinese Dragon taming event in China.

Due to the special nature of the House Elves, they are extremely motivated to win for their houses. They are often so motivated that they try to bend or even break the rules. Which is of course contrary to their master’s instructions. It happens so often that quite a few Elves can be seen flogging themselves halfway up a chimney, or seen hitting themselves with a butter-sock instead of their opponent.

Participants are given a consolation ribbon, while winners get a gold banded ribbon. The house elves proudly wear this ribbon pinned or sewn onto the baggy pieces of clothing they tend to wear. This is a huge status symbol within the House Elf community.

The house elves can also be rewarded with additional prizes, but this is fully at the whim of their owners. These special prizes include the Elf being given a short holiday (they don’t like to feel not needed for much longer than that). Or, in very rare occasions, an Elf will be rewarded with a winners-vest.

This is a very brightly coloured vest, usually assembled from different random pieces of clothing from his masters. Naturally, the Elf is being offered its freedom with this gesture. This is considered to be one of the highest honours an Elf can be bestowed with, but, it is in fact quite rare that an Elf’s owner will be willing to let such an amazing and talented Elf go.

Until very recently, and the work of S.P.E.W. might be the reason for the disappearance of this practice, House Elves that failed in the H.E.L.P. cup used to be beheaded as punishment for failing their houses. This was something which mostly happened in the more radical and older pure-blood families, who have a similar practice for Elves that become too old to perform their duties.

The H.E.L.P. cup events are held in arena-like structures and loosely resemble the muggle Olympics. The arena is also heavily based on old Roman Coliseums. There’s also an opening ceremony in which each House Elf presents a flame to his/ her master, who will then, together, light a ceremonial fire that is kept burning during the competition (which is, of course, a task performed dutifully by the arena’s House Elves).

The competitions are well visited by witches and wizards from all over the world, some even bringing part of their House Elf staff. Naturally, they are there to serve their masters, but most will not make a fuss if one or two House Elves sneak off to cheer for one of their kind as they are competing.

With courteous regards,

Reginaldus Rotherham

H.E.L.P Referee (retired)Aka: u/MagicMischiefNL