child by Sanford Children’s CHILD Services
What to Do When Your Child Says
‘It wasn’t me!’
Admitting mistakes is tough. Learn how to help your child accept responsibility. Children 5-8 years of age will often push the blame to another person in order to avoid negative feelings and conflict. It is important to understand this behavior and what you can do to encourage your child’s self-responsibility. Why does my child blame? Children, like adults, do not like to be wrong or get in trouble. It is normal for your child to blame others for their mistakes. One reason for this behavior is your child yearns for a parent’s approval. Your child may believe you won’t approve if they acknowledge they made a mistake. Here are three reasons your child avoids responsibility or shifts blame to someone else: 1. S elf-preservation: Admitting a mistake is difficult. Your child may be doing it to avoid a potential consequence. It is natural to respond to these situations by protecting yourself. 2. S hame: Doing something wrong creates feelings of humiliation and guilt. It is easier to deny or blame than to admit fault. 3. E xternalization: Children feel strong emotions and do not yet have the necessary skills to process through them. Instead of accepting and managing their feelings, your child may shift them to someone else or act as though it never happened.
•H ow frequently does your child blame others? • Does it interfere with the daily functioning of those involved?
What to watch out for: It is important to observe and understand your child. When you have a good understanding of your child, you will be able to adapt to meet your child’s needs and comfort level. Ask yourself:
Remember, learning responsibility takes time and consistency. Provide opportunities to teach your child how to accept responsibility and how to learn from his or her mistakes. l
Excessively blaming others can be a sign of bullying. However, remember blaming is normal behavior for children 5-8 years of age. Keep an eye on the behavior.
Encouraging your child’s self-responsibility There are several strategies to help your child develop self-responsibility. •R espond; don’t react. Avoid arguing, confronting, and overreacting. •M ake it safe and comfortable for your child to come forward and tell the truth. •B e empathetic and validate your child’s feelings and concerns. •A llow independence in daily tasks and routines. •B e available to help problem solve and work through difficult situations. •M odel responsibility and honesty.
