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Volume 73, Issue 08

Killer bees attack student

By: Eoz Oned The Evil Twin of the News Editor

GRAPHIC BY ISABELLA KOKSOZKO | HUDSONIAN

math class in the Administration Building when he stepped in a ground hive. The killer bees attacked him in a swarm and Public Safety had to intervene.

“I didn’t know what to do,” said Public Safety Officer Kenny Spunk. “Luckily, I watched a cartoon once where this happened and the bees were killed with water.”

Spunk tried to throw a bucket of water on the bees without success. His co-worker, Public

Hudson Valley student and liberal arts major David Aguado accidently avoided a math test after a swarm of killer bees attacked him.

“This is really a blessing in disguise,” Aguado said. “If it weren’t for the bees, I would have had to take my algebra test that I hadn’t studied for.”

Aguado was walking to his

Cool Guy demonstrates the attack on campus suffered by a student.

Safety Officer Jared Hazes, was able to spray the bees with a hose and drag Aguado to safety.

An ambulance brought Aguado to the ICU, where he remained for 24 hours. He is expected to make a full recovery.

GRAPHIC BY ISABELLA KOKOSZKO | HUDSONIAN

Viking challenges eagle as national birb

An eagle swings down to challenge Vinny Viking while posing with a suspiciously happy student.

By: Emma Hall Animal Whisperer

and quickly went viral. In response to the news leak, President Trump quickly took to Twitter.

“It’s unfortunate somebody blabbed about it before a final decision was made, but this is not fake news,” Trump said. “Hudson Valley’s Viking is being considered to replace the overrated American bald eagle as national

Will the Hudson Valley Viking replace the eagle as the national birb?

Word that Hudson Valley’s mascot was being considered to replace the eagle as the national birb was leaked out late last week

INSIDE NEWS: New manufacturing program arriving in fall 2019 PAGE

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April 4, 2018

www.thehudsonian.org

birb. The Viking is a terrific birb.”

The fact the Viking is even being considered for this distinguished position is thanks to his success in Mascot Madness, an annual event hosted by SUNY to find the top dog (or, in this case, a birb) of the New York mascot world. The Viking is winning this

SEE BIRB PAGE 2

“It was really scary, Aguado said. “I used to laugh when Winnie the Pooh was chased by the honey bees, but this really changed my perspective. I thought I might die. It still wasn’t as scary as my math test, though.”

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SEE BEES? PAGE 4

The Hudsonian voted official national paper

by Congress By: Hunter Wallace Meme Detail Editor Hudson Valley was in for a surprise when Congress voted The Hudsonian the new official national newspaper for the country after it provided extended coverage of a recent scamming spree at the college.

News of this designation shocked everyone, but perhaps no one was more astonished than the students.

“I always thought The Hudsonian was a rag piece, something that only pumped out fake news,” said Johnny TwoByFour, a construction major and a known critic of the media in general.

INSIDE CREATIVE: Student will touch the sun… at night

He said he would have definitely died if he had taken the test.

Two Public Safety officers also received medical assistance for stings received while they

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“Now that I’ve seen its exposé on the injustice on campus last year, I’m a firm believer in the power of student journalism.”

The overwhelming support for The Hudsonian around the nation we have today did not always exist.

“It’s true,” said Kevin Cole, an engineering major. “When I first read The Hudsonian years ago, it was full of puff pieces on unimportant facts and small stories that would put you to sleep. Now, I consider myself a proud reader of Hudson Valley’s fine paper.”

The newspaper’s circulation was so low at one point that it al-

SEE HUD PAGE 4

INSIDE SPORTS: Advice for student athletes looking to “Stay Woke” PAGE

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April 4, 2018

NEWS

Students dropout of college to become goats

This Week’s Events

Information Thurs Transfer Table: Cazenovia 05 College 10:00 am – 2:00 pm Siek Campus Center, first floor lobby

Fri 06

Sat 07 Sun 08 Mon 09

Tues 10

Mindfulness Meditation 11:00 am – 11:30 am Wellness Center, Siek Campus Center Suite 270 Campus Visit Day 9:00 am – 12:00 pm Bulmer Telecommunications Center Transfer Advisor Visit: University at Buffalo 10:00 am – 3:00 pm Siek Campus Center, Room 290 Country Folk Art Craft Show 5:00 pm – 9:00 pm McDonough Sports Complex NYC Day Trip Country Folk Art Craft Show 10:00 am – 5:00 pm McDonough Sports Complex Country Folk Art Craft Show 10:00 am – 4:00 pm McDonough Sports Complex Transfer Advisor Visit: The College of Saint Rose 10:30 am – 1:30 pm Siek Campus Center, Room 290 Animal Outreach Club Meeting 2:00 pm – 2:50 pm Brahan Hall, Room 213 Science Center Building Tour 2:00 pm – 3:00 pm Science Center, Room 385 Student Senate Meeting 2:00 p.m. – 3:00 p.m.

Leadership Conference Center Transfer Advisor Visit: Siena College 10:00 am – 2:30 pm Siek Campus Center, Room 290

Weather WEDNESDAY 04/04/18 High/Low 39/27

By: WIll Reed Student Observer Guest speaker Thomas Thwaites encouraged Hudson Valley students to take a break from academics and spend some time as a wild goat during a speech last week in the Bulmer Telecommunications Center Auditorium. The speech sparked an increase in drop outs and worried school administration.

Thwaites became famous after he dressed up and lived as a goat in the Alps for several days.

He later won the Nobel prize for his journal article, “GoatMan: How I Took a Holiday from Being Human.”

Thwaites came to Hudson Valley dressed as his favorite goat, the Alpine Ibex. He reached out to students in the BTC Auditorium who were unsure of their futures and advocated for a goat lifestyle.

“Every person should take some time to experience the world in the eyes of a goat,” Thwaites said.

Thwaites continued, “Domestic, mountain, pygmy — it really doesn’t matter what kind you identify with. There is no doubt you will be awakened and

refreshed after your experience.”

Students have been inspired by the testimony of Thwaites and are dropping out by the dozens to find their inner goats. The increase in withdrawals has administration at a standstill with how to keep kids in school.

“We don’t exactly understand how being a goat is so appealing to young people, but it’s obviously a matter that is serious and needs to be dealt with carefully and effectively so no human or goat gets hurt,” said Jason Horns, Director of Student Affairs.

Billy Geoff, an individual studies major, believes Thwaites was speaking to him that day, and he plans to leave for the mountains at the end of the school year.

“My parents won’t let me drop out, so I have to finish the semester, but I’m about to show them and the world that being a goat is my newfound destiny,” Geoff said.

Communications major Ashley Hoofington was also enthusiastic about Thwaites’ message.

Although she wants to stay in school, she plans to study abroad as a goat in the Alps. She hopes to learn from being in that community.

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The eagle is looking hopeful for his fight with Vinny Viking.

FROM PAGE ONE

BIRB

year by a landslide.

Not everyone is as thrilled about the Viking’s national birb potential as Trump.

Freshman George Putterby, an English emigrant and birb watching major, believes the

THURSDAY 04/05/18 High/Low 44/32

The Hudsonian Hudson Valley Community College 80 Vandenburgh Ave. Troy, NY 12180 Phone: 518-629-7568 Email: hudsonian@hvcc.edu Editorial Policy All views expressed in this paper are those of the author, and not necessarily those of the The Hudsonian or the College.

Editor-in-Chief Julio Rodriguez Managing Editor Grace Sgambettera Layout Editor Isabella Kokoszko Copy Editor Hunter Wallace News Editor Zoe Deno Creative Editor Joseph Lyle

whole idea should be flushed.

“It’s despicable the way these Americans are going,” he said.

“It’s a bloody Viking, not a bloody birb! It’s no wonder the country is falling apart. I’m quitting this study abroad crap and going back to England where people at least know what birbs are.”

Putterby is right in that the Viking is not technically a birb,

FRIDAY

04/06/18 High/Low 43/30

Sports Editor Hunter McIntyre Web Editor Mike Alber Staff Writers Nicholas Biskup Nick Fisk Emma Hall Jacob Pitts Will Reed

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Students have displayed a strong desire to become one with the carefree nature of goat lifestyle.

“I mean, I’m a communications major, so that shouldn’t limit me to just human communication, right?” Hoofington said.

Hoofington says it will be a priceless opportunity to learn the communication skills of goats firsthand.

The college is taking measures to decrease the number of students dropping out, one of which is launching the “Please Don’t Goat” campaign. Administration is planning this program as a recruiting event for students to stay in school, pinpointing the opportunities for them that are not available in the wild.

“Goats are indeed fascinating

creatures but they don’t want aimless millennials hanging around,” said John Bleat, a Goat Behavioral Studies professor. “We need to stop this madness.”

Thomas Thwaites told students he realizes becoming a goat might seem like a strange endeavor at first, but he maintains all people need a break from the fastpaced, technology-driven world we live in and live the simple life for some time.

“Kids these days need to lose the textbooks, get off their phones and go graze,” he said. “Climb a mountain, grow some horns and find your happy pasture on this earth.”

but another student has an answer for him.

“People who have a problem with the fact the Viking is not a birb should check their history books,” small rodent biology major Hickory D. Dock said. “In the early days of our country, Benjamin Franklin wanted the turkey to be our national birb, but everyone knows turkeys are not in fact birbs, but food. Franklin wasn’t a dummy, though, so if he didn’t have a problem with something other than a birb being a birb, we shouldn’t either. I think Vikings have just as good an argument as gobblers to be the national birb.”

Dock’s Extremely Hard Calculus professor, Willy Nilly, backs her up with a different angle.

“It’s perfectly reasonable to let the Viking be a birb if he wants to be,” Nilly said. “You’re being narrow-minded if you think differently. If the Viking feels he is truly a birb at heart, then it is un-

just of us to argue he is not.”

Many people don’t want to see the eagle dethroned as national birb, yet supporters are adamant about the change.

“Look at the eagle, it’s bald!” memeology major Curly Topp said. “Do we want to convey to the rest of the world that Americans are hairless? The Viking may not be a birb, and some of us may resent him taking the place of the eagle, but at least he has a good beard!”

Exotic Mushroom professor B. Baggins also had a few words for those against the idea.

“Maybe it’s time for a change,” he said. “We need an adventure around here again. Eagles are awfully overrated anyway.”

Whether the Viking replaces the bald eagle will not be the college’s decision. The best thing we can do for now is keep a clear head and a weather eye on the birb horizon.

SATURDAY 04/07/18 High/Low 45/32 Guest Contributor Jenny Caulfield Graphics Department Isabella Kokoszko Julio Rodriguez Faculty Adviser Rachel Bornn

SUNDAY 04/08/18 High/Low 47/36 Letters to the Editor Letters can be delivered to CTR 291 or emailed to hudsonian@ hvcc.edu. Readers may have their letters published anonymously as long as their identity can be verified. Letters will be edited for grammar, style, libel and length.

MONDAY 04/09/18 High/Low 49/36

The Hudsonian is the exclusive student newspaper of Hudson Valley Community College. It is published every week. To join The Hudsonian, attend our weekly meeting on Mondays at 2 p.m. in ADM 107.

April 3, 2018

NEWS

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Therapy doggos terrorize campus GRAPHIC BY JULIO RODRIGUEZ | HUDSONIAN

Queen?

Students have grown concerned after being harassed by the aggressive therapy doggos on campus.

By: Nick Fisk Doggo Embassador Students on Hudson Valley’s campus are expressing concerns regarding administration’s new on-campus therapy dog stress relief initiative. Those affected say what the college has introduced aren’t dogs whatsoever.

Students have described the animals as “bipedal red beasts with large spines for fur” that

travel in large packs. They also reportedly speak heavily accented English and have been involved in multiple incidents on campus.

“They just came out of nowhere,” information technology major Gerald Ark said. “No one told me about this. I was on a break between classes and heard hissing and clicking noises from behind me.”

Ark says he was suddenly surrounded by these “red beasts.”

Automotive Electronics major Ivo Robertson shared a similar sentiment.

“If they were trying to get students to relax, they’re managing to do the exact opposite!”

Robertson said. “I can’t even focus on my work with all that incessant noise.”

Student teacher Blair Cartan described her experience with the dogs.

“I thought they were looking for a specific class or building at first,” Cartan explained. “They started asking me if I knew the way. Before I even had a chance to answer, they kept asking and made really strange sounds.”

Cartan also heard some of the student’s worries.

“They’ve told me they’re scared to come to classes because of these things,” she said. “Frankly, I don’t blame them.”

Many of the female students have begun to form a union against this movement. This idea reportedly occurred after multiple

harassment claims were ignored by the college’s administration.

“It’s all horrible,” said psychology major Allison Rose. “I was just finishing my daily classes, and they swarmed me and started calling me a queen. Now, I can’t get away from them, they keep making lewd remarks and I can’t even go home.”

Rose explained she wasn’t the only one involved in the most recent incident.

“My friend, Caitlin, came by to hang out after classes, and the things started calling her a ‘fake queen’ and kept spitting on her until she ran away,” Rose said.

Rose went on to say she feels the college’s administration is ignoring her complaints.

“I’ve asked multiple teachers and staff about it, and they’ve all told me we’re wrong about them and ‘We’ll learn the way soon enough,’” Rose said. “What is that even supposed to mean?”

In the college president’s and vice president’s temporary

absence, Interim President Miles Longton introduced a new highly requested measure he states students “have been asking about for a long time.” No one knows how he would know this.

The main part of the measure introduces several groups of therapy dogs onto campus, mainly around the Siek Campus Center and BTC. However, students have pushed back against the initiative, saying the animals have been scaring multiple students.

Longton spoke on behalf of administration last Friday.

“These are just normal, professionally trained dogs,” Longton stated. “They’re just excited to see so many people.”

He also referred to the reports of them talking and harassing people as “unprovable nonsense.”

Spurred by these remarks, Rose’s union protested on April 1. Administration had security on standby to keep protesters from scaring the dogs.

Flying saucer causes commotion on campus By: Jacob Pitts Undercover Reporter

An alien conspiracy has been unearthed on campus after a snow plow collided with a parking lot light post to reveal an underground UFO base.

With this discovery, Hudson Valley joins a long tradition of schools with hidden lairs beneath the surface, including Hogwarts’ very own Chamber of Secrets.

Whether or not we also have a bloodthirsty monster lurking in the plumbing remains to be seen, so students should exercise extra caution and possibly employ a buddy system when using the restrooms.

The affected area, in lot B3, is now surrounded by traffic barrels and caution tape. The cracks from the crash’s impact are still visible, as are the remains of the former light post, but the college has been working overtime to cover up the mishap and save the school’s reputation.

While the alleged alien base has been sealed off since, multiple students were able to catch a glimpse before maintenance caught wind.

“I was there when the plow hit the light post, and the driver

literally disappeared before my eyes,” said forensic science major Dana Scully. “It was like he knew he was about to get exposed and just teleported.”

Scully shared the details surrounding his discovery.

“I decided to check it out up close, so I got out of my car and walked over,” he said. “The closer I got, the more I heard these whispers in my ear getting louder and louder. I still couldn’t make out what they were saying until I pressed my ear up against the cylinder of cement, and all of a sudden it clicked: Whatever was down there was repeating ‘Ayy LMAO’ over and over.”

Scully continued, “I went around to the other side of it, and there was a small opening to a tunnel large enough to crawl down. I turned my phone flashlight on and went in a few feet, and, to my surprise, I saw several of my professors repeating the chant in a circle around a flying saucer, as if it were part of some ritual. The only thing is, their skin was green, and they had far more eyes and limbs than I remembered them with in class.”

While the school and its employees continue to deny any extraterrestrial affiliations, student

GRAPHIC BY ISABELLA KOKOSZKO | HUDSONIAN

A downed light post revealed a hidden UFO base on Hudson Valley’s campus.

word-of-mouth has sparked a public relations disaster for Hudson Valley.

Fall enrollment is off to an extremely rocky start, ratemyprofessors.com has crashed from so many students outing their professors as aliens and the damaged light post has become a hot spot for tourists after being dubbed “the new Area 51” by the History Channel’s hit documentary series, “Ancient Aliens.”

“I knew it,” said Fox Mulder, a criminal justice major who heard the news. “Some of my professors have always been a bit odd, but I previously chalked it up to them being really socially awkward.

Now, it all makes sense that they were imitating humans, and very badly at that. Also, I could have sworn I saw Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones scouting the parking lot in black suits the other day.”

Physical sciences major El-

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len Ripley has concerns that her tuition is funding the production of “AWMDs: Alien Weapons of Mass Destruction.”

“It doesn’t bother me that the faculty and staff are from a different planet,” Ripley said. “I mean, I’m not xenophobic or anything. I just hope they come in peace and aren’t saving up our bills for evil purposes.”

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April 3, 2018

NEWS

FROM PAGE ONE

HUD

most ceased to publish.

“Sad as it may be, The Hudsonian did face a very real threat of permanent hiatus,” said Rolph Boeme, Mechatronics major. “It was so bad that the editors would actually begin to publish full pages of memes. Sure, this was comical, but it also showed just how far the paper had fallen.”

The Hudsonian’s tainted image was reversed when a case of serial scamming swept across campus one year ago.

“It was exactly one year ago when infamous business-marketing students Ed, Edd and Eddy started scamming innocent students around campus,” said Student President Plank. “They thought it would be lucrative for them to resell old tests from their classes to new students enrolled in the course.”

It wasn’t until Hudsonian Staff Writer and architectural technology student Munson

Shadoof noticed his peers in professor Snood’s memeology class receiving high grades on a test known around campus to be quite difficult that the truth was revealed.

“I knew something was up when everyone but me earned an A on the test,” Shadoof said. Professor Snood’s assessments are notorious for decimating students’ grades, yet everyone earned top marks, except me, so I decided to investigate.”

Shadoof ’s investigation led him to question Snood, who then led Shadoof to Ed, Edd and Eddy.

“After questioning professor Snood about the grades, he admitted it seemed a bit out of place for the class to score so high on a test that gave his previous students migraines,” Shadoof said.

“Upon further investigation, I found Ed, Edd and Eddy to be responsible for selling test answers from Snood’s early days of teaching. From then, it was just a matter of contacting the administration and notifying them of this crime.”

Once outed, the public discovered the Eds all possessed a track record of criminal behavior.

This came mainly in the form of concocting childhood scams to deliberately deceive kids from their cul-de-sac to give them money for faulty products, the earnings of which the Eds would use to purchase excess amounts of jawbreaker candy.

This report eventually made its way to national news, which then captured the national government’s attention.

“I saw news of this scam, and I was dumbfounded,” said President Cream Puff. “I absolutely could not believe these little rascals would forfeit their entire futures just to make a quick buck. I mean, what has this country come to, honestly?”

The president’s impassioned reaction to this report led him to direct Congress to name The Hudsonian the new official national newspaper immediately after the fact. It has been the go-to source for news ever since.

FROM PAGE ONE

BEES?

were trying to contain the bees.

“This wasn’t what I signed up for,” Spunk said. “I thought I was signing up to deal with brain-dead potheads and the occasional rowdy man-child trying to turn his life around.”

The killer bees that attacked Aguado are officially called the Africanized honey bees. They are the first of their species to be seen in Upstate New York. The species was bred in the 1950s. The breeding was part of an effort to heighten honey production in Brazil by biologist Warwick Kerr.

In 1957, 26 swarms of bees escaped the quarantine and have been migrating northward since. The killer bees were first found on U.S. soil at an oil field in the San Joaquin Valley of California in 1985.

Experts at the University of Illinois’ Department of Entomology say there are roughly 40 fatal “killer” bee attacks each year. The fatality rate is linked to the number of stings a victim receives, rather than venom.

Killer bees are faster than other bees and have been known to chase humans a quarter of a mile.

Public Safety, with the assistance of local law enforcement, will be searching the rest of the campus for any other hives.

Hudson Valley released the following statement: “What happened to David Aguado is extremely unfortunate. Hudson Valley is a safe place for students, and it is important to keep in mind this was just one isolated incident that in no way reflects the future.”

DANGER Please don’t eat the Pods, kids.

Tide Pod degree program coming to the college Community concerned about possible consumption problem

By: Ya Boi Hools Meme-in-Chief The manufacturing technology building will house a new degree program devoted to the development of Tide Pods in fall 2019.

The new program was proposed to satisfy heightened demand in the laundry market for Tide Pods.

“We’re really excited to introduce this fun and innovative program to the college in 2019,” said newly appointed Head of the Tide Pod Department Benjamin Boi. “I think it will be a nice addition to Hudson Valley’s already diverse array of degree programs.”

The Tide Pod Challenge blew up on the internet after a chain of videos surfaced, showing kids biting into the detergent packets.

Administration has taken preventative measure to make sure students at Hudson Valley do not ingest the Pods they will help manufacture.

“We are going to put up signs that say, ‘Please don’t eat the Pods, kids,’” said incoming professor of Tide Pod Pedagogy Peter Deever.

“We think they will work effectively. The pods are colorful, but they’re also very deadly.”

Deever also discussed the possibility of hiring additional staff to watch students while they handle the Pods.

“They look like candy, but you can’t eat them,” Deever said.

“I have to admit that I struggled with the concept initially. It’s really frustrating, but we have to limit the chance of Tide Pod consumption.”

The Tide Pod department will also provide a keychain, a free visor hat and a single ping pong ball to every student who successfully makes it through the program without eating a Pod. Despite these astute measures, students and staff have raised concerns about the deadly distractions.

“Well, it all started because my mom forgot to buy my snacks,” said liberal arts student

Boon Moore. “Tide Pods were really colorful, and I just popped one straight into my mouth. I thought, ‘Hey, all of these kids on YouTube are eating them, too, so it must taste good.’”

Moore said he was initially scared to eat his first Tide Pod but got over his fear quickly. He said he had a “pretty cool” ride in an ambulance after he ate the Pod. Moore was one of many drawn to the Tide Pod Challenge.

Coincidentally, he plans to change his major to Tide Pod Manufacturing. This means he will likely spend an additional three years at the college.

Underwater Basket Weaving student Denise Pooter organized

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a group of students to protest the Tide Pod degree program.

She was only able to find seven out of roughly 5,000 full-time students to protest by her side.

“We’re shocked Hudson Valley would introduce this program after the Pod epidemic,” Pooter said. “I have no idea how administration can trust there won’t be an incident at the college.”

Benny Boul is one of the seven students rallying behind Pooter’s efforts.

“I only agreed to protest because Denise gave us free pizza,” Boul said. “I don’t even know what Tide Pods are.”

April 3, 2018

NEWS

Student touches the Sun

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GRAPHIC BY JULIO RODRIGUEZ | HUDSONIAN

By: Joerassic Lyle Meme Inspirer

We humans have been to every major celestial body, except for one: the Sun. NASA is working on a mission to fix that. They want to “Touch the Sun.” “The only reason we haven’t gone to the sun yet is because it’s too hot,” NASA officials stated.

“They plan to launch a rocket sometime between July 31 and Aug. 19 of this year. They even plan to send people on this mission.”

One of our very own Vikings is going on the 93-million-mile trip.

“I’ve always wanted to go into outer space,” said individual studies major Joseph Lyle. “I have plans to go to Mars in May as well.”

The Sun’s surface is almost 10,000 degrees and is primarily burning plasma. The purpose of this mission is to explore the Sun’s outer atmosphere at about four million miles above the surface.

NASA claims they have solved the heat problem after decades of research.

“We will simply go to the Sun at night,” said lead scientist Richard Morton. “At night, the surface of the sun is a balmy 800 degrees.”

The small spacecraft will have a heat shield pointed at the Sun to aid in protecting itself from the heat. The craft will also face radiation like no other craft in history.

The data this mission will supply will aid in our understanding of the physics of how stars work and improve the forecast of major space weather events.

Many individuals would be terrified to go on a mission such as this.

“I’m not scared,” Lyle said. “I have dreamed of going into space, and now I finally get to fulfill this dream.”

Lyle mentioned he would pack a big lunch of Sun Chips, sunflower seeds and Capri Sun. The morning of the launch, he will be having eggs… sunny side up.

“A lot of my inspiration comes from things I have seen in movies — that is why when I go to Mars, I am bringing potatoes,” Lyle said, before thanking Mark Watney.

The spacecraft will be launched from NASA’s Kennedy Space Center in Florida, on top of a Delta IV-Heavy with Upper Stage.

“This will be a huge accomplishment for America,” said President Donald Trump. “This

Joseph Lyle, pictured above in a rocket similar to the model which will take off later this year.

is what is going to make America great in space again. First the Sun, then the Solar System.”

Overall, this mission will provide scientists with much-needed data about our closest star. The science we will gain from the Sun will exceed what scientists hope to gather. This is truly the first step to being able to not only understand our sun, but to also answer any questions we have about

the universe.

Aboard the spacecraft, dubbed the Parker Solar Probe, will be a microchip. This microchip will contain the names of people who have registered with NASA to voyage to the Sun. Though these individuals are unable to go in person, their names will be able to take the trek and live on in history as they orbit the Sun.

“My disability prevents me from doing the amazing things I want to do, such as go into space,” Lyle said. “Thanks to NASA, my name is able to go. For me, that is good enough.”

He compared it to when someone buys a star. To this individual, the star is his or her own.

To the rest of the world, however, that star is just a ball of fire in the night sky.

‘Dat boi’ spotted rollin’ on campus

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By: Jenny Caulfield Guest Conmemeitor English professor Ben Dover is no stranger to disruptions in class, but never before has he had to make a formal complaint about a student’s abnormal behavior.

“I already have issues as it is keeping my students’ attention in class, so a kid acting out like this makes my job even harder,” Dover said.

Starting the first week of March, Dover has had a student riding into his Communications

class on a unicycle wearing a bright green frog suit identifying as the popular meme, “Dat Boi.” Dover can recall students dressing up around campus in panda suits, wearing food hats and other cheesy costumes over the years, so a student wearing a frog costume isn’t that out of the ordinary to him.

“Working at Hudson Valley means seeing kids dress up and do crazy things all the time, so the first time he came into my class dressed up, I thought nothing of it,” he said.

These students, however, typically dropped their act after a day or two, Dover said.

“You would not believe the sleepless nights I’ve had over this student,” Dover stated. “The first week he would ride in, saying, ‘Here comes ‘Dat Boi,’ and I started having dreams about groups of frogs on unicycles following me around yelling that same phrase.

It’s terrible.”

Individual studies major Jack Goff is the man that is Dat Boi. The 20-year-old Goff is in his first year at Hudson Valley, and he has a passion for memes, especially “Dat Boi.” “I’ve been riding a unicycle for five years now, so it was really only a matter of time before I transformed into Dat Boi,” Goff explained.

Goff started riding his unicycle to Hudson Valley last semester in order to avoid trying to find a parking spot. Some students around campus noticed him riding onto campus and started yelling things like, “Here come dat boi” and “Watch him rollin’, watch him go” at Goff as he rode around.

“I liked the attention I was getting from students, so I decided to dress up as Dat Boi for my Communications class to get back at my professor,” Goff said. “He called a paper I wrote last month about memes a joke, but I take memes very seriously.”

Although Dover has a hatred for Dat Boi, other students in class

and around campus seem to be delighted by the actions of Goff.

“Jack Goff is a hero to the freshman class,” said liberal arts major Dixie Normous.

“He’s started coming into our Communications class everyday this week, singing, ‘He be rolling down the street, he be rolling to the beat,’ over and over — it’s hilarious,” she said.

Thomas “Bees” Fister is another liberal arts student who has witnessed Goff ’s behavior.

“I’ve seen that dude riding around campus as a frog, and I’ve seen other students yell things at him, and it’s so heckin’ funny,” Fister said. “If I was a professor and he was doing that in my class, I feel like I’d probably get pissed after awhile.”

Dover tried multiple times after class to ask Goff not to ride into class and wear the frog suit, but Goff continued to distract his class.

“I tried everything I could to just ignore him, but eventually I had to draw the line,” Dover explained.

On Monday, March 12, Goff rode into his 4 p.m. class at 4:20 p.m., screaming, “Oh shit, what up?” as loud as he could multiple times.

“I don’t like students being late to my classes, and I also don’t allow profanity in my classrooms,

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so it was time to put an end to Dat Boi,” Dover said.

After reporting Goff for distracting his class, Dover had a meeting with Goff and President Matonak about his behavior, which became eye-opening.

“I didn’t realize the boy was trying to turn into a frog,” Matonak said. “You don’t get a lot of that around here, with people being frogs,” he said.

Goff had started feeling more comfortable on his unicycle wearing his frog suit, so he decided he wanted to officially transition into becoming Dat Boi. According to Goff, he continued to roll into his Communications class disregarding his warnings from Dover, due to how he felt after he started dressing up.

“I thought he was just ignoring me when I asked him all those times to knock it off,” Dover said.

“I didn’t realize it was something so serious to him and who he wanted to be.”

According to Matonak, Goff can continue to ride his unicycle around campus and wear his frog suit as long as he doesn’t use anymore profanity. Goff was, and still is, overjoyed about the decision.

“I just want to be accepted for who I am and how I feel inside,” Goff said. “I ask that all students who are watching me rollin’ are respectful of that,” he said.

6

UR MUM

April 4, 2018

CREATIVE

Green wonder boi sparks innovation across the globe GRAPHIC BY ISABELLA KOKOSZKO | HUDSONIAN

By: E.E. Hummings

ur mum so old she covered in mold ur mum so thin the wind blows in ur mum so dumb she chew used gum ur mum so rude she bite some dude

Dat Boi delivering a Ted Talk on his own journey unicycling to his dreams.

By: Triple Knockout Artistan Meme Queen

ur mum so cruel she feed u gruel ur mu so mean she starve a teen ur mum so mad it really sad ur mum a thief (that’s all. good grief)

Revelation can strike at any time, and a popular internet meme hopes to inspire athletes and families all across the world.

Dat Boi, a dart frog riding a unicycle, has been cycling his way around the web and baffling internet users and athletes alike.

Dat Boi started out as a problem in an AP physics textbook, but students took it upon themselves to share his wonder with the world.

Troy McLovin, a local 15-year-old student at Never Ending High School first shared about the frog when his teacher assigned the homework problem.

His first tweet about Dat Boi now has over 15,000,000 retweets.

“I always knew there was something special about him, but I just didn’t know if everyone else saw what I did,” McLovin said.

“Now, everyone knows his name and I’m so proud I introduced that to the world.”

Dat Boi tries to keep himself humble and stay off the internet

and away from all of his popularity.

“I don’t want to become something I’m not, some version of a frog I don’t recognize,” Dat Boi said. “I want to always remember the passion of my life: unicycling.”

Dat Boi goes around travelling to schools, universities and even offices to give speeches. He even gave a TED Talk about his life.

Audiences and crowds roar with anticipation, shouting, “Here comes Dat Boi” and blaring air horns when he rolls out onto the stage.

“I love what I do and wouldn’t give it up for the world,” Dat Boi said. “Being a major influence to kids and adults makes me so incredibly happy, and I am never going to stop unicycling. Someday, I hope to go beyond Earth and see what else there is to explore out in the universe.”

It didn’t take long for cyclists to notice the magic of Dat Boi before McLovin started to receive an enormous amount of questions from coaches and cyclists all

around the world.

“I started getting messages from Lance Armstrong, Sean Kelley and even clowns who were learning how to ride a unicycle for their careers,” McLovin explained. “It was insane.”

Lance Armstrong offered some input on his opinion about Dat Boi and how his unicycling has affected his career.

“He baffles me to my core,” said Lance Armstrong, the world-famous cyclist who won the Tour de France seven consecutive times from 1998 to 2005.

“Dat Boi is the heart and soul of cycling, and every good cycler inspires to be just like him.”

Armstrong hasn’t done any major races in the last few years, but he still looks to Dat Boi, even for day-to-day encouragement.

“Sometimes, I get depressed that I don’t cycle as often as I used to,” Armstrong said. “It was amazing earning world-renowned titles every year, but I look to Dat Boi and know he’s cycling for all of us, for all the fallen soldiers and driving everyone to hit new goals every day.”

“I want to always remember the passion of my life: unicycling.”

- Dat Boi

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April 4, 2018

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7

April 4, 2018

SPORTS

8

Advice for student athletes looking to StAy WokE By: Hunter McIntyre Sports Boi We all know student athletes live very busy lives between sports and school, but how can they stay woke? I will cover some easy and affordable ways student athletes can stay woke.

The first way you can stay woke is to pay attention to your local news. News apps on your phone can alert you to almost anything happening in the news world. It’s not like news sources are reliable or anything, but they’ll at least let you know what’s going on in the world, even if they are “fake news” The next way student athletes can stay woke is to eat correctly. The most important foods to eat when trying to be woke are kale, cosmic brownies and espresso. Kale is important because it’s a superfood, and you need to be super to stay woke.

Espresso is necessary because being woke can keep you up all night, pondering the inner workings of the universe and cosmic brownies because they are

probably the most inspiring food you can eat.

I personally have not consumed these three things at the same time, but you truly must be transported to a higher plain of existence.

Another way to stay woke is to watch the correct films. Examples of woke shows would be “Spongebob Squarepants” and “Rick and Morty.” Both shows make you wonder if there is a god and if said god would really let us create shows of such excellence and majesty.

A couple woke movies would be “Interstellar,” “The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius,” “The Spongebob Squarepants Movie” and “Shrek.” “The Spongebob Movie: Sponge Out of Water” and “Shrek the Third” are not meant to be watched and will instantly obliterate your woke vibe.

Being woke can be much deeper than just watching the correct films and eating the right foods. Being woke in itself means you are on a higher plane of understanding than most non-woke people.

GRAPHIC BY JULIO RODRIGUEZ | HUDSONIAN

How to StAy WokE as a student athlete

The Spongebob Squarepants movie, Rick and Morty and Shrek are considered “woke” media for student athletes.

Woke people must understand nothing can be trusted. This is because the lizard people in the Illuminati actually control the planet. The lizard people and their puppets control a large portion of the world’s media.

They must also understand it is very possible the world is flat.

Have you ever been on a rocket and seen the Earth from space?

I presume most of you haven’t, meaning that none of us actually know for a fact the world is round.

Seeing is believing, so how can we trust these pictures of Earth provided to us by the lizard people?

Belief in extraterrestrial life is very important to being woke. In a constantly expanding universe, how is it possible we are alone, and how could lizardmen control

the earth if there was no extraterrestrial life?

The last thing you can do to stay woke is simply keep up on current memes. Memes are a way of woke folk to communicate without the lizard people intercepting our messages.

Remember to stay woke.

GRAPHIC BY JULIO RODRIGUEZ | HUDSONIAN

age to the good old American pastime will not go without punishment.”

The lawsuit has divided the fans of baseball everywhere, and the internet has exploded with activity over the serving of papers to the formerly famous meme. A recent poll claimed over 59 percent of all active Myspace users believe the dancing hot dog should not be sued by the MLB. “This meme is not just a meme anymore,” claimed the admin of the dancing hot dog fanclub on Reddit. “If you look closely, you can see how this dancing hot dog has danced his way into the heart of most baseball fans.”

There is a vocal community of baseball fans who say the hot dog is ruining their American pastime.

“I just can’t bring myself to eat something so similar to that cute feller,” said Matt Moole, a baseball fan in a recent interview.

“My children wail, even when I suggest getting a hot dog at a game.”

Fans of the breakdancing

frankfurter claim his banishment would change nothing.

“He has already been across stadiums nationwide,” one fan said. “How are we as people supposed to just remove and fine this wonderful meme for bringing happiness, cheer and a little groove to each stadium he has visited?”

While the Lawsuit has yet to begin, it is now common to see signs at entrances of baseball stadiums barring entry to the dancing hot dog. There have already been two reported incidents of baseball fans being escorted from the stadium after being caught using the hot dog filter at recent games. The MLB warned if this trend is to continue, repeat offenders may be barred entry into future games.

The lawsuit will take place on Feb. 30, 2019. When asked about the issue, the hot dog did little but wave his hands. It seems the squabbles of humans mean little to memes.

Dog days for dancing hot dog

Dancing hot dog pictured above in court after failing to pay multiple parking ticket fines.

By: Nicholas Biskup Writer of Memes The big hitters have been swinging large in the past few weeks. The Major League Baseball committee have served papers to the recently popular “dancing hot dog” meme.

The MLB claims that the

dancing hot dog has been negatively affecting sales after dancing across the nation’s heart.

Lawyers of the MLB claim the hot dog has directly caused the sales of in-stadium hot dogs to drop drastically. The lawsuit claims the hotdog is to pay damages and put in place a 100-yard restraining order keeping the de-

lectable dancing dog from every baseball stadium that sells hot dogs.

“This is a serious issue and shall be treated as such,” the lawyer representing the league said.

“Mr. Dog may dance in his dayto-day, but no more will he dance his way through the wallets of our vendors. We guarantee his dam-

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