______ the ______ THE OFFICIAL STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF HUDSON VALLEY COMMUNITY COLLEGE This April Fool’s issue is brought to you by The Hudsonian. All articles are false. Volume 74, Issue 19
April 4, 2019
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Student Senate President assassinated by fellow Senators
President Sheeran was stabbed 69 times before dying of his wounds
Five ways to succeed at school without much studying By: Sara Kasm Staff Writer
In this modern day and age, the physical task of studying requires an arm and a leg. The Academic High-Class Persons of America (AHCPA, an organization made up of Ivy League dropouts) found that over 85 percent of college students nationwide struggle with maintaining good study habits. Why improve your study habits when you can cut back on studying? Here are five AHCPA approved ways to help you succeed at school without much studying.
1.
Review your instructors’ previous quizzes or tests. Looking at past tests or quizzes can help you answer each question with the most accuracy. Here at Hudson Valley Community College, some instructors reuse quizzes and tests from previous years. The old copies of these quizzes are located in the Dwight Marvin Library. Go to the front desk and ask for a copy of “Pony in the Pancake.” The librarian should give you a
STUDYING | Page 6
By: Buster Highman Staff Writer Footage has recently surfaced confirming that Student Senator, Israel Sheeran, has been assassinated by his fellow student senators. The revelation follows a week of constant chaos in the student senate. On Friday evening, March 15, Senator Sheeran's body was found face down in a pool of blood in the Campus Center room 202. Sheeran was last seen that day at an emergency student senate meeting that he called. Student senators have been quiet on the matter until recently. Last week, Hudsonian reporters reached out to student senator, Benjamin Lashley, recently diagnosed with ligma, for a statement. “I am a Senator,” explained Lashley. “I am a Senator,” he paused. “Where’s Julia?” Students had mixed reactions to the news of Sheeran's death. Business administration student, Jane Amirite, was incredibly
ASSASSINATION | Page 4
Bookstore’s hiring of TSA agents brings controversy to campus By: Alus Skunt Staff Writer The Viking’s Cove Bookstore has hired TSA agents to screen students before entering and leaving due to rising cases of theft. According to school officials, the screenings will be conducted similarly to those at airports with baggage x-rays, metal detectors and body scanners. “We get a lot of kids trying to smuggle things out of the store,” said TSA agent, Dale Engvall. “Pens and highlighters are some of the most common items being stolen.” Many students are unsure how to feel about the new increase in security. “I feel like it’s a bit excessive,” expressed Doug Dimmadome, a business administration major. “I already felt that I was being treated like a criminal in the school store,” he said. “Now I feel like I’m being treated like a terrorist.” Director of Marketing and Communications, Lionus Nixon, believed that the new measures are necessary. “Although it seems to be a bit much, the problem warrants it,” Nixon stated. “Theft, especially of textbooks, is on the rise [and] it's a serious threat,” he said. “You can
never be too safe when it comes to this stuff.” However, most students do not share his position, with many reporting negative experiences with the new TSA staff. “I feel like I was violated,” explained Elizabeth White, a liberal arts major. “They made me go through one of those body scanners, the ones where they see everything, and then they pulled me
aside and told me they needed to pat me down,” she claimed. “They touched me everywhere and they gave me no reason why.” Criminal justice student, LaShawn Williams, also had an unpleasant experience. “I was ‘randomly’ selected for extra screening,” Williams claimed. “They gave me the whole pat-down procedure, and after that, they told me they needed to
do a cavity search,” he said. “It was humiliating.” According to the TSA agents, cavity searches are done only under specific circumstances. “You have to do whatever it takes to provide good security,” Engvall explained. “Sometimes this requires cavity searches for students that exhibit suspicious
TSA | Page 2
TSA officer, Ben Dover, is ready to enforce strict bookstore policies and searches
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