Clarification of My Comparison

Clarification of My Comparison

Comparison will not only kill you, but it will eat you alive. Comparison will make you aware of the worst things about yourself, allowing you to forget the best. Someone will always be smarter than you, prettier than you, nicer than you etc. Who the fuck cares? If you keep looking for “more than” you, then you will never believe you are enough for anyone, including yourself. I’ve spent the entirety of my life comparing myself to everyone else. Growing up I was the only one with jet black hair and olive skin around a sea of beauties with blonde hair, light eyes, and skin of snow. My thighs were bigger, my face was rounder, my hips grew wider, and my insecurities escalated. I yearned to be close to those who looked like me, but even then I felt isolated. My eyes were too big, my speech seemed to be “too” American, I didn’t have “the look.” I was too whitewashed to be Asian. My hair was too dark, my skin was more pigmented, and my features were too oriental, I was too Asian to be White. The constant obsession of comparison. The little girl who faced the mirror and cried when her second grade crush said he would never marry her because he didn’t want “Asian babies.” The middle schooler that was told she never would be his type because he liked “paler girls.” The highschooler who’s ex boyfriend’s mother said “interracial relationships never work out.” The young woman in college who is often reminded, “you’re really pretty for an Asian girl.” I compared myself to other girls, but through the eyes of what people would see. I reduced myself to less than I was in order to validate the parts of myself I hated. The anecdotes I used to have about myself have always become memories of what someone else has thought about me, said about me, or acted towards me. I was so enthralled with what people thought of me, when the only person that really mattered at the end of the day was myself. Perception became tricky because I perceived myself the way others’ chose to perceive me. I compared myself to everyone in the best and worst ways. Comparison killed me, it ate me alive, tore me apart, because I let it. I was the person who created the comparison, I built it from the ground up, entertained it, tore myself apart over it, and fueled it.