February 2015 Leaflet

THE LEAFLET volume 2 issue 7 feb. 13, 2015

How to this is 100% satirical image by lauren glynn

sarcasm the use of irony to mock or convey contempt.

how to issue THIS MONTH:

P4: Sarcastic Cinci headlines P5: How to ace study hall P8: How to pass a class P10: How to get a date P14: How to waste a day on Netflix P15: How to survive second semester

P18: How to be the worst P21: How to get on someone’s good side P22: How to make cereal

Mid February seems so dreary, that we decided to give readers something that will brighten their day.

First, it needs to be completely clear that the purpose of this issue is purely to make people laugh.

We have never tried anything sarcastic like this before, so don’t hate on our humor because we think we are funny.

In no way are we trying to offend anyone, so if you are offended then ask someone to explain our sarcasm to you.

This topic was chosen first to preview April and all of the April fools tricks it has to offer. Second, to allow individuals to take a break from reality and laugh a little.

Some of our ideas are a little out there but they are still worth a shot.

People who wrote articles put their hearts and souls into making you laugh. So just laugh.

Enjoy the issue and know it is just for fun, and remember to walk in the hallway, do not just stop.

Lauren Glynn

leaflet editor-in-chief

The Leaflet, the official web news-magazine of Sycamore High School, serves as an educational tool in the training of student journalists. We provide information and editorial leadership concerning school, national and world issues. We also provide a public forum for the exchange of ideas and viewpoints and give coverage to newsworthy events directly related to our diverse school population. These viewpoints are purely from the staff of The Leaflet, and not the administration.

The Leaflet Sycamore High School 7400 Cornell Road Cincinnati, OH 45242

Leaflet Editor-in-Chief: Lauren Glynn Print Editors-in-Chief: Atiya Dosani, Lauren Saxon Web Editor-in-Chief: Kathryn Tenbarge Associate Editors: Joseph Ahn, Madeline Marsh, Anna Zhou Managing Editors: Abbey Baker, Isaac Goldstein Creative Projects: Joseph Ahn, Taylor Evans, Hannah Frey, Elizabeth Rickert, Orion Schlosser, Zoe Schlosser Business Manager: Caroline Gao Web Master: Eli Seidman-Deutsch Assignment Editors: Lila Englander, Brenda Shen Broadcast Editors-in-Chief: Sarah Horne, Victoria Swart, Ben Young

Staff Writers Jordan Baker Jenna Bao Natalie Brinkman Caroline Bruns Ben BrynjulfsonReardon Emily Chien Adhiti Chundur Taylor Close Benjamin Cohen William Coleman Amy Deng Meghan DiGiovanna Jake Englander Sydney Evans Max Fritzhand Zachary Fritzhand Meredith Gottliebson Charles Harte Rujula Kapoor Emilie King Riley Kurtz Lauren Kurtzer Brooke Landrum

Claire Lefton Beverly Liu Jack Loon Melinda Looney-Ho Harsimran Makkad Ellen Martinson Ethan May Hannah May Zachary Milliken Joshua Patterson Esther Pittinger Anthony Popenoe Benjamin Ruskin Madeline Schramm Lauren Shassere Luke Tenbarge Max Torem Emily Tyler Leah Wallihan Kamaria Walton David Wertheim Alex Wittenbaum Neil Yejjey Elijah Zawatsky Nathan Zhang

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[ THE LEAFLET ]

...Make the most Kathryn tenbarge web editor-in-chief

L

isten up, freshmen and all seniors who already know they are repeating this year.

On the day of my freshman orientation, four years ago, a middleaged man in gym shorts yelled at my peers and I for a good five minutes about how valuable high school would be.

Only one of the many motivational poster quotes he screamed made any impression on me.

“In four years you’ll look back on this and wonder how the time went by so quickly.”

He was right. I actually have no idea how this vast amount of time passed in such a seemingly rapid fashion. I don’t seem to have aged in any noticeable way.

I can not pick out very many notable occurrences during my time here at SHS. Was any of this real?

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Am I merely the imaginings of some greater being?

Anyway, I am going to share some advice to anyone looking to make the most of their time here, anyone who wants to know how to succeed in high school.

The most important thing to take note of is getting involved. Here at SHS we have numerous clubs, sports and extracurriculars. My number one piece of advice is to join as many as you can.

Take that literally. Join every club.

Not in the Spanish program? Who cares! Join Spanish Club. Not interested in chemistry? It does not matter. Become a board member of the Chemistry Club.

Are not qualified for National Honor Society? Assume someone else’s identity. Join a new family.

Give up your earthly possessions.

Do it for the college applications.

And while we are on the subject of college, you probably have a few questions. If that’s the case, it may

be too late for you. Today’s Harvard applicants spend an average of 16 years preparing their resumes.

But if publicly-funded school is in your future, know that freshman grades matter. They matter more than anything else does.

You’ll need to miss out on a lot of sleep this year to keep those grades up, so consider implanting relaxation electrodes into your brain. Ignore any and all family members, pets, psychologists, etc.

I know homework can be a bit of a chore, so make sure you take breaks.

Put the pen down. Stand up from your desk. Walk out your front door.

Keep walking. Walk to the airport.

Get on a plane. Never return.

You’ll need to be on your teacher’s good side if you want ‘dem A’s.

Bribery is a good morally ambiguous option.

Teacher’s car looking shabby?

Offer to replace it. For a price. And when you’re out at Starbucks with friends instead of coming to first

[ THE LEAFLET ]

t of High School bell, make sure to text your teacher and ask what they want. Extra whip, extra credit.

In terms of relationships, making new friends is one of the best parts of high school. I’m referring, of course, to Build-A-Friend, the new store that just opened at the Kenwood Mall. You start with a custom friend suit, stuff it, hug it, dress it up and take it home. These friends will never leave you.

There’s another type of friend that I have personally found very useful- upperclassmen. These old pros are great for rides home from school, advice about teachers and, of course, paperweights. Yes, that’s right. Your upperclassmen buds will be so exhausted from the stress of high school that their bizarre sleeping schedules make them perfect paperweights. And why stop there? A sleeping teen can be used as a door prop, a stepladder, a way to save your seat in the Commons, and so on.

Just be sure not to fall for any of those senior schemes. Pool passes are not real. Everyone knows you get admitted to the pool by way of being randomly blindfolded and thrown into the deep end. Oh, and you do not need an elevator pass either.

That elevator has not worked for years. Mr. Doug Mader uses it for his secret stash of gold.

Yes, our principal is a leprechaun.

A very tall, charismatic leprechaun.

The one thing you will use regularly at this place is your locker.

Your locker is a great place to store important stuff. Textbooks, car keys, and your very own personal nest.

Collect branches to build up your locker nest, then pad it with twigs and leaves. This is your home now, you can never leave.

All of the above information is very important and practically essential to your survival in high school.

However, the most important part of this journey is being yourself. And by that, I mean take on your societal

role. Wear the standard haircut and buy the standard clothes. Do the government-approved morning regimen before you come to school each morning. Take great care in acting like every single other person, all the time.

What’s that? You’re a unique individual seeking a highly personalized high school experience? Oh no, we don’t offer that here at SHS. You’ll want to try somewhere else. Mason, maybe?

Not in your district. Well, okay. You can try to make it in here. I guess.

Oh, and one last thing. Stop walking so slowly in the hallways.

Are you a descendant of the great snail people? Did not think so. Walk faster. Run, actually. The hallway bears are approaching.

Good luck.

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[ THE LEAFLET ]

...WRITE

DAILY NEWS

World Business Finance Lifestyle Travel Sports Weather lilA englander assignment editor

WORLDS GREATEST NEWSPAPER

First Edition

Top headlines this week in Cincinnati Harpers Point starbucks gets hit again Loveland sophomore cannot imagine Indian Hill driveway her life if parents had not met mistaken for side street

Mason seeks mutually challenging school rivalry

Sycamore student arrested after texting gun emoji

Lakota East confronts budget cuts, childhood Hamilton County resident can’t obesity with innovative “walk wait to ruin 2016 election to school or else” policy

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IMAGE BY lauren glynn

[ THE LEAFLET ]

. . .A ce Study Hall

Tori Swart

Sarah horne

broadcast editor A

A

A A

Cards Netflix associate broadcast editor

Bring in a stack of playing cards and place them on your desk. Pick out the ace of hearts, clubs, diamonds and spades and lay them across your desk. Now that you have all the aces, you are guaranteed an automatic A in the class‌ Hhm, too literal?

Sleep

Sleeping is a difficult skill to master. It improves grades in all the other, less important classes, so practice sleeping daily during study hall. You can’t procrastinate with this skill: study sleeping every day.

Stress only leads to anxiety and panic. Be sure to watch Netflix often to reduce class stress and forget about the real world. Watch many different TV series and keep up with them in this class.

Make sure to finish at least one TV series a week.

No Earphones

Everyone loves music and it is especially a big part of this class. But earphones are just plain isolating. Make sure to play your music load and proud in class because everyone truly wants to listen to your music.

Friends Nickname If you want to ace study hall you have to change your name to Ace to insure this goal. Only answer to this name and this name only. Make sure you change it on the attendance sheet also to ensure that it is truly your name.

There are thousands of quotes and speeches on the Internet, all saying that friendship is a good thing. Study hall is the perfect place to develop the love in your heart, so talk to your friends often.

No Passes

You are now a high schooler. An independent individual. You should not need a hall pass to leave the room for extended and unnecessary periods of time, so why have one? A hall pass is only a weight on your freedom and your grade.

Cell Phones

The only supplies needed in this class are cell phones. They link you to the world of knowledge and completely truthful information that is offered by the Internet. All your friends are in your cell phone, too. It is basically a master tool.

Study the hall

This class is going to be extremely hard to get a high grade in. The main lesson you will learn in this class is about the hall. Be sure to study the hall often. You can accomplish this by focusing so hard you end up staring off into space.

Do this each and every day and do not get distracted by anyone who wishes to deprive you of your education.

IMAGE By hannah frey

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...Be

[ THE LEAFLET ]

a

Hi pster

taylor close staff writer

Purchase the thinnest, most basic pair of glasses you can find. Definitely avoid thick frames.

Hipsters love mainstream things.

If you do not know what a beanie is, good. You are already one step closer to being a hipster.

Stay away from flannels.

Flannels are for lumber jacks.

There is a huge difference between a lumber jack and a hipster. Oh, and graphic tees.

Are you a hipster or a groupie?

UGGS. Jordans. Sperries. These are the only three brands of shoes a hipster should know. NO converse.

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Have you ever heard of the phrase “the bigger the better�? It refers to the size of pants hipsters wear. They hate tight jeans so watch out for those.

IMAGE BY Zoe schlosser

[ THE LEAFLET ]

...How to Lie 1

Quick head movements

2

4

Repeat words or phrases

5

Provide too many facts

7

Shuffle feet frequently

8

Stare intently without blinking

Unsteady breathing

3

Stand very still

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Touch or cover mouth

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Giggle and snicker often

Zachary Milliken staff writer

“Fluffy, be quiet!” you shout. You cannot let her know your secret. You briskly escort your new pet into the backyard before your mother walks in the door.

“I’m home!” she cries. “Did you clean your room like I asked?” You continue to fumble with your beloved Fluffy, and her words go unnoticed.

“Is everything alright?” she inquires again. Your focus remains on hiding Fluffy. Your mom has had enough; she frantically searches the house for you. Eventually she reaches the backyard, and disaster strikes.

“IS THAT A TIGER?” she exclaims furiously. You freeze. You are now trapped. What do you do? Here are some suggestions: 1.Tell her that Fluffy is just a remarkably life-like stuffed animal you bought at the zoo earlier.

2. Tell her that it is actually a lion that you just painted stripes on because you think tigers are cooler anyway.

3. Pull out your conveniently located invisibility cloak and throw it over the tiger and act completely clueless.

4. Have Fluffy consume your mother before she inquires further.

5. Run. You should probably run.

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IMAGE By zoe schlosser

[ THE LEAFLET ]

luke tenbarge staff writer

...get

a

100%

in class

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IMAGE BY orion schlosser

Do not turn in any assignments.

Some say homework is immortal, but I believe that if you burn your assignments and scatter their ashes in the wind, you may permanently destroy your homework.

Avoid all contact with teachers, they are very dangerous and are especially angry if you are intentionally failing their class.

Whatever you do, never look them in the eye...ever.

Intentionally choose all the wrong multiple choice answers. If you do not know the incorrect answer, try leaving the question blank.

WARNING: Do not come to class, some classes reward attendance with extra points, you may put yourself at risk of receiving credit if you attempt to attend class.

[ THE LEAFLET ]

...be socially awkward lauren shassere staff writer

tell lame jokes like a random person’s post from 22 weeks ago

wear crocs

adhiti chunder staff writer

accidentally call your teacher mom

mouth breathe as loud as you can whenever in a silent room

shower with your socks on

Make extreme prolonged eye contact with people as you eat

Read an article about how to not be socially awkward

become snap chat best friends with your parents IMAGE By lauren glynn

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[ THE LEAFLET ] For those of you disappointed about not having a date on Valentine’s Day, have no fear. There are a few simple steps that you can follow that will result in getting a date 100% of the time.

1

bROOKE LANDRUM spotlight chief

... get a

No matter what gender you are trying to attract, remember that everyone is attracted to one thing: you. Regardless of whom they are or what their interests are, they will totally say yes eventually.

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date 4 6 10

Over-the-top gestures are great ways to show you care; fill his or her room with balloons, buy them a six-story-tall stuffed bear or send them one letter every day for a year explaining how rad you think you are.

Instead you should go up to them and begin to tell them all the great things about yourself; they probably already know that as well, but it could stand to be repeated. This process should take between 8 and 10 hours.

IMAGE BY ORION SCHLOSSER

5 7

If you feel that you are an extraordinary individual who likes to think outside the box or you find the individual you are after to be deserving of something special, there are plenty of ways to express these feelings.

When approaching your soon to be lover, make sure not to compliment them. If they are worthy of your greatness, they should already know how great they are. They should not need you to tell them.

All of these steps are proven to be foolproof, meaning as long as you are not a fool you can get basically anything you want, including a date for Valentine’s Day.

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One tip to remember is ‘don’t take no for an answer.’ When someone says no to going on a date with you, come back in a few days, hours or even minutes.

They probably changed their mind since you originally asked.

[ THE LEAFLET ]

eli Seidman-Deutsch

L

webmaster

ike the whitefronted parrot, humans too have their own courtship rituals.

Most commonly seen in places such as clubs, parties, and hootenannies, dancing has become key to attracting a mate.

While previous generations did their ‘robot’ing, moonwalking, and ‘snake’ing, our generation has once again redefined a whole aspect of humanity with the twerk.

Once finding a potential Romeo, one must slowly

approach him, buttocks pointed outward, showing submission.

Make eye contact with the bae. Once the ceremonial head nod has been complete, you must get to work quickly, rapidly assuming the position and moving your

bum akin to a windshield wiper, strutting your stuff.

According to many scientific studies, the average mating ritual lasts approximately 180 seconds, allowing both parties to adequately judge each other’s performance.

Once the ritual is complete, its participants generally introduce themselves to each other, opening up more opportunities for this event to occur.

...Dance

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IMAGE BY ORION SCHLOSSER

[ THE LEAFLET ]

...Break up with someone

Valent ine’s Day jacob englander staff writer

Keep in mind that Valentine’s Day is the optimal time to end a relationship. Now, that being said, you should make sure to begin the breakup speech before the day is up, so as to avoid paying for dinner.

The next crucial step in this plan is the breakup itself. It is critical that you use every known corny breakup line, and even more importantly, that you ask to remain friends, but make no effort toward that friendship.

In case they think it is their fault, make sure they know that this is not the case, especially when it is. Another key tip to remember is discussing all of the various memories that they remember and you do not.

The next step in a breakup is the exit.

Always stay and try to make the person feel better, instead of leaving them alone. Plan on forgetting tissues, and a handkerchief. If she or he is not hurt, you should be.

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IMAGE BY orion schlosser

Stay at the given location until former significant other no longer feels significant.

It should not take long.

By this point, you should be moving on to other prospects, and be nearly finished with returning or disposing of all gifts.

This all will hopefully be over in time to ponder if you will ever truly find love. Other questions to consider include pondering if you already found this person, or if this person indeed exists.

When a friend comes to cheer you up, immediately offend them by asking if their relationship is meaningful. Immediately withdraw the statement, as you have nothing to justify it with. Just because you will always be alone, does not mean they will.

By now, you should no longer have any belief in the goodness of humanity. Perpetually, you will not be able to love. The remainder of your life will be spent at home, with your three geriatric cats.

[ THE LEAFLET ]

HOW TO SUCK UP TO A TEACHER 101 eMILY cHIEN staff writer

max fritzhand staff writer

Ask too many questions.

The more the merrier. Every chance you have during class, shoot that hand into the air. Got a small problem? Got a tiny idea? Got the answer right? Got the answer wrong? All these are prime opportunities to ask the teacher questions you have been itching to ask.

Snitch. Snitch. Snitch.

As a student, you hear the latest gossip on a daily basis. Put this vital information to use!

Anything and everything you hear, make sure the teacher knows about it. On the less juicy days, go ahead and sabotage your friend’s reputation. Be sure to spill to the teacher.

Give them presents.

Who cares what it even is. Whether it is an apple, a book, chocolates, or a screwdriver, your teacher will begin to appreciate your existance. Also, keep it regular. This shows that you really appreciate that mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Compliment their scarf.

Notice that expensive, brand new scarf your fabulous teacher is sporting? Even if the color is mud brown or bright orange, take the time to compliment their fashion mistakes. By doing so, you are proving to them your dedication to the cause. What a teacher’s pet!

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IMAGE By emily chien

[ THE LEAFLET ] lauren saxon

Movies, TV shows, actors, directors, genres

print editor-in-chief

...Waste a day on Netflix Make sure you bury yourself in a mountain of food before starting your Netflix binge. Surrounding yourself with variety, ranging from breakfast to dinner foods, is necessary to make it through the day. It is unreasonable to pause episodes for food, so having full course meals, chocolate snacks, and candy wrapped around your body is essential.

Just as stopping episodes to get food is unacceptable, so is pausing for bathroom breaks. If for some reason you cannot hold it in all day, be sure to have a smaller, portable, mobile device on which you can continue your episode in the bathroom.

Other options include purchasing a hospital style bedpan, or sprinting to the bathroom during those long, 15 seconds before the next episode starts.

Showers are optional, and I certainly do not recommend them on Netflix days. But, if you do feel the need stand under some hot water and spin around, do not forget about the power of plastic.

Place your phone inside of a plastic bag to continue your show. Contrary to popular belief, Zip-lock bags are not made for food or sandwiches, they are a recent waterproof development made for the purpose of Netflix in the shower.

Recently Added Pausing Netflix episodes to do daily tasks such as getting the newspaper or going to the mailbox, is also not practical. Be sure to have a portable device that you can use to continue streaming as you walk down your driveway.

Depending on your coordination and balance, this method can be very challenging.

Break into a neighborhood-mom ‘power walk’ or slight jog for an extra challenge. This also enables you to return to your bed even faster.

Parents and teachers sometimes make ridiculous requests, such as completing homework. Luckily, your oversized textbooks can be a solution to this problem.

On Netflix days, stack every textbook around your laptop or phone.

When your parents walk into your room, they will see you buried in books, but you will secretly be buried in episodes.

Cady Heron from the movie “Mean Girls” put it best when she explained, “the limit does not exist.” This statement applies to many things, but is very applicable to the number of Netflix episodes that should be watched in a day.

1:03:15

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IMAGE By lauren saxon

[ THE LEAFLET ]

...write good

Writing good is extremely important to a high school student, as it can aid them in their future endeavors as well as their educational pathway. Fortunately, to write good, there are only five things that one must keep in mind. isaac goldstein managing editor

Use supercilious vocabulary. It does not even have to actually make sense. If the word is more than 4 syllables, kids will not know what it means anyway. Heck, just make words up. For example, “the fuzzy mouse ran up the tree” can be turned into “the flocculent peromyscus ascended the arboreal structure.”

Adjectives, adverbs, and ad-anythings are dope. To cultivate your writing ability, it’s important to shove as many of these in the sentence as possible. “The fuzzy mouse ran up the tree” can be turned into “the large, fuzzy, cute, furry, brownish-white, small, miniscule, mousey, mouse ran quickly, quietly, and fastly, up the big, green, brown, tall, tree-like, tree.

Do not adhere to the literary rules that your English teachers have taught you. Be creative. Readers like creativity. Shakespeare’s sentence structure is completely ratchet and he got famous. You can too. “The fuzzy mouse ran up the tree” can be changed to “The mouse how fuzzy it runs tree skyward thy.”

Spelling words correctly is optional. Nobody even notices. Spend your time focusing instead on the four steps above. Consider the following passage. There are so many errors, yet you are able to make sense of it. It dseno’t mttaer in waht oderr the lterets in a wrod are, the olny irpoamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rhgit pclae. So bsalcliay, spllnieg dseno’t mttaer. In fcat, it altaucly hpels to milepsl wodrs. It geivs teahcres a chllenage taht wlil hlep them to gorw as beettr reeards and wrtiers. Jsut mkae srue taht the fsirt and lsat ltteres rmeian the smae and all wlil be fnie.

IMAGE By brenda shen

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[ THE LEAFLET ]

...be a K-pop star

joseph ahn

creative projects

jenna bao staff writer

PLASTIC SURGERY: If you are

not young, tall, and fair skinned - if you lack a defined jaw line, an 8-pack, and an extremely feminine nose, then there is a solution for you. Korean doctors are famous for their ability to modify your physical features. Pay them. As for height, it is not that big of a deal. Taeyang is 5’5 and he made it, didn’t he? Just make sure you do not stand next to anyone tall.

BODY: 70% of your work

in the k-pop industry is to be done in a shirtless state. At least three hours a day should be devoted to the practice of taking off your shirt.

This is extremely difficult, and proper execution is essential. If you still do not have an 8-pack, go home.

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IMAGE By joseph ahn

HAIR: Bleach, dye, gel, half-shave, etc. It does not really matter. It just can not look natural. Do not worry too much about this, however, for most fans are only looking at your abdominal area.

AUTOTUNE: Vocal lessons are a waste of money. Powerful vocal chords are not what the fans want. They prefer powerful pectoral muscles.

[ THE LEAFLET ]

... SURVIVE

R E T S E M E S D N O C SE

SENIOR YEAR isaac goldstein managing editor

Second semester senior year can be a very stressful time, so it is important to approach each day in a very methodical way. But there are four important rules to follow that will help you survive and emerge at the end of the semester feeling accomplished.

1

Throw all of your folders and binders away. By this time in your high school career, you should not be receiving any homework…

2

Go out to lunch every single day. As a second semester senior, food is essential to your wellbeing…

3

Sleep in and never attend first bell.

4

Make a schedule for skipping class. As a senior, teachers actually want you out of the classroom so that class sizes can decrease and they can focus more on the underclassmen. But skipping whimsically can be detrimental to your mental process.

You need to be organized and methodical…

IMAGE By brenda shen and zoe schlosser

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[ THE LEAFLET ]

Are you the worst? claire lefton staff writer

1. What do you think of PDA (Personal Displays of Affection)? a. It can wait until after school. b. I love it! If I don’t make out in the hallway, how will everyone in the school know how in love I am?

2. Do you use your turn signal when making a turn? a. Yes. b. No. Turn signals are for squares!

3. True or False: Trashcans are optional. a. False b. True 4. How do you walk in the hallway? a. At a brisk pace to get to my next destination. b. Linking arms with five people while going at a pace so slow the term “walking” would be a stretch.

5. You’re a big fan of something. How often do you talk about it? a. Only when it’s relevant to my conversation. b. OMG ALL THE TIME!!!! I literally can’t go a sentence

6. You’re at a store. You ask the salesperson how much an item is and it happens to be fairly expensive. How do you react? a. Thank them for telling me, and then walk away. b. Complain to the salesperson about how expensive the item is, insult them and the business they work for, and then walk away in an angry huff.

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IMAGE BY orion schlosser

7. How do you chew gum? a. With my mouth closed at a volume no one can hear. b. AS LOUD AND VISIBLE AS YOU POSSIBLE CAN. 8. A highway’s speed limit is 65 mph. How fast do you drive? a. 65 mph. b. 2 mph.

9. You and your friends are having a conversation and suddenly the topic switches to something you don’t care about/don’t know much about. What do you do? a. Listen to the conversation until the topic changes.

Maybe I’ll learn something new/interesting! b. Cut in every other sentence to remind my friends how little you know/care.

10. Someone you know is visibly sick/tired/stressed.

What do you tell them about their appearance? a. Nothing. It’s rude and they already know. b. “Wow! You look really sick/tired/stressed!”

Were any of your answers “B”?

You’re the worst. Just the worst. Be ashamed of yourself.

Were all of your answers “A”?

Congrats and thank you. You are not the worst.

[ THE LEAFLET ]

...How to be sick but not ill alex wittenbaum sports chief

I

n the dictionary, the words “sick” and “ill” are synonyms that describe a feeling of corruptness or discomfort. In modern day slang though, they have two completely different meanings that define many people at SHS and around the world.

It all started two summers ago when I was on vacation with my family. We were out of town in South Carolina over Spring Break. A kid who I knew from various tennis tournaments approached me and said, “Your hat is totally sick.” I was wearing a Cincinnati Reds baseball cap, and was not really sure what he meant by it.

We asked him for clarification, and he told us that “sick” is another word for “cool” or “awesome”. According to him, it was the new word that replaced boring words like “crazy” and “insane.”

In order for one to be sick, they must

do something that stands out from the norm. For example, when the boys tennis and girls lacrosse teams brought home state titles last year, it was “sick.”

The word can also be used in simple sentences, such as “man, that pizza was sick,” or “did you see the Grammy Awards last night?

They were sick!”

Last season when the Varsity boys tennis team would drive in their van to away matches, they would use the word frequently.

After my friend from South Carolina told me about the word “sick,” I was curious and asked him what “ill” meant since the two words were synonyms.

He said that “ill” kept its dictionary definition of “Feeling under the weather, as with a cold or the flu.”

Now, when people use the two words, I have gotten to the point of asking them whether they mean “sick” or “ill” and need a clarification as to whether the person I am talking to is discussing feeling bad, or being awesome. #sick and #sicknotill are trends on Twitter, and many people from around the world have adopted the new definition to the word “sick.”

Next time something cool or awesome happens, be sure to use the hashtag #sick. Also, once you explain the new definition, use #sicknotill to clarify.

The movement has hit many people by storm at SHS, and school has proven that it is “one of the sickest schools in the city, state, country, and world.” #sick #sicknotill

Go to SHS: one of the sickest schools in the city, state, country, and world

Do things that are crazy or original that make you stand out from the crowd

Use hashtags like #sick and #sicknotill so everyone knows you aren’t diseased, just super cool

IMAGE By Brooke Landrum

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[ THE LEAFLET ]

...walk in the hallway TAYLOR EVANS associate editor

NO...

YES!

Believe it or not, hallways have an invisible line that goes down the center of the hall. If you cross this line, you are putting yourself and others into extreme danger. Imagine a 300 pound football player hurtling at you as you try to walk on the wrong side of the hallway. Scary right? While you may love living life on the edge, the rest of us would appreciate it if you all did so at another time—or not at all.

Whatever works.

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IMAGE BY kathryn tenbarge

[ THE LEAFLET ]

...Make friends when you do well on a test ELI ZAWATSKY sports chief

How did you get a D-?? I got an A+!

Why didn’t you multiply X by 2 there?

1. Brag- As soon as you establish your superior intellect, your classmates will see that their only real option is to become your new friends.

2. Correct them- Showing your classmates exactly why they failed is a sure way to let them know that they can always come to you for help.

3. Call them out- Embarrassing your classmates is a sign of true friendship.

Hey everyone!

Jimmy got a D!

You should study more next time!

4. Give them study tips- Giving useful tips for success is a way of showing that you will always be there for your friends.

You are the worst

Why don’t you fall off a cliff?

It’s like rubbing salt in a cut

You should never speak to me again

DISCLAIMER: You do in fact look this creepy when you brag about your grades

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[ THE LEAFLET ]

...make a bowl of cereal ben ruskin a&e editor

Step 1 Go to the store and observe all of your cereal options. This is by far one of the most important components of making a bowl of cereal. It is vital that you pick the right cereal that will satisfy your cereal cravings.

2%

For your milk selection, you must choose between either skim or 2%. There is no other option when it comes to milk and cereal. If you eat your cereal with any other milk besides skim and 2% then you should not be making cereal.

SKIM

Step 2 Step 3 Measure out the appropriate serving size of milk and cereal and put it in a mixing bowl. With a large spoon, stir the milk and cereal until it is evenly mixed.

Step 4 Transfer your mixed milk and cereal into a proper cereal bowl. Once you have done that, select a regulated cereal spoon to use when it comes time to eat.

Step 5 Congratulations. You have worked long and hard to reach this moment. Sit down and enjoy your cereal.

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IMAGE BY BEN RUSKIN

[ THE LEAFLET ]

...study for a test lauren kurtzer feature chief

1.

Get on your phone and do not get off—smart phones have Google and it has all the an-

swers so why look anywhere else but social media, Netflix and YouTube for the keys to acing that test

2.

Not open your backpack—the phone is key, it has all of the answers so why open what your

teachers give you and notes. Binders and supplies are barely used at school why use them at home

3.

Sit in front of the TV—all night—a great stress reliever to sit and not think about the troubles of life and the meaning of it . Channel surfing especially helps with chemistry, and APUSH

4.

One word. Netflix—binge watching your favorite shows is a wonderful way to be productive, the amount one can get done while staring into a screen is astronomical along with the occasional nap

5.

Sleep when you get home until the next day—Doctors, educators and parents are all

complaining. Well show them how 15 hours of sleep will bring your grades up instead of studying

Not do any of the homework for that class—teachers only give homework to make the students angry and waste their time anyway. You have to do something when you get home

7.

Pull an all-nighter because you feel like it—there are some nights where sleep is not a thing even when there is no reason to be up all night, other times it becomes necessary

Fall asleep in class—If one needs to catch up on sleep, class is the perfect time, the work in there is obviously not going to be on the quiz. The teacher’s boring voice is a great instigator to sleep

9.

6.

8.

Go on your phone with music on during lectures—Spotify, Pandora, and IHeartRadio

are better to listen to than the teacher, music helps escape from the problems of high school

Skip class—why show up when the other nine tips already have the answers to getting an A

10.

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the leaflet