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Volume 32, Issue 6 ½ 140 Brandeis Road Newton Centre, MA 02459

Newton South High School’s Student Newspaper · Newton, MA · Established 1984 · April 1, 2016

DIETARY RESTRICTIONS Waivers now required to eat outside cafeteria Artie Fischel Sr. News Editor

Beginning after April break, students will need to complete a waiver form if they wish to eat outside the cafeteria, in what the administration is calling a necessary measure to enhance student safety.

The waiver forms, six pages in length, are the latest addition to a sprawling school bureaucracy that some have criticized as too extensive. In the fall, for example, the administration introduced forms designating each school club as either “supervised” or “unsupervised,” presumably to reduce the school’s liability should anything unfortunate occur during an unsupervised activity.

“I just don’t know if these new forms are necessary,” sophomore Frank Lee said. “I mean it took me half an hour to complete the first page alone. It seems like, a little overboard.”

School Committee Chair Matt Mountains, on the other hand, contended that the forms are a necessary hassle, saying the school system ought not be held responsible for the variety of dangers inherent to unsupervised eating, ranging from choking to food fights.

WAIVERS, 2

photos courtesy of The Water Café

B.J. Novak, ‘97, to direct original fall musical Ryan Howard

Temporary Reporter B.J. Novak will direct the 2016 fall musical, South Stage announced Monday, in a move that is sure to bring heightened publicity to the theater program.

Theater teacher Jeff Knoedler said in a statement that Novak, who has been hired on a limited contract and will begin work in September, will bring “a depth of experience and an understanding of the modern theater

scene” to the department.

“I’m excited to get started,” Novak, a ‘97 graduate, said. “I know South Stage was such a big part of my development as an actor, and I just hope to be able to pass along some of the things I’ve learned to the next generation.”

The musical, Novak said, will be an original work, but the script remains in its incipient phases.

“I have a general idea of the contours of the story,” he said. “I envision it taking place

in some sort of work environment, kind of like your typical modern office. I think that could be funny.”

As of now, the musical still lacks a name, although Novak said he wants it to be “something pithy, like two words, probably.”

“I really like the names Jim, Pam, Dwight, Michael, Creed, Phyllis, Stanley, Matt Mountains, Andy, Angela, Kevin, Oscar, Kelly, Ryan, Jan, Roy, Darryl, Meredith and Toby,” he said, “so I’ll probably try to work those in as best as I can. I’ve also been getting

really into paper, like physical copy paper.”

When asked how long it (the musical) would be, Novak immediately burst out “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!” and refused to provide further details.

Regardless of what form the musical will take, students said they are excited for the chance to audition.

“I think this show might be the first step toward my Hollywood career,” junior Jenna Fischer said. “I’ve always been B.J. Novak’s biggest flan.”

INSIDE THIS ISSUE:

early release

new dimensions

The Roar experiments with new printing technique in effort to boost readership.

3

NEWS 2

News 3

News 4

Keeping up with putin

Russian leader makes surprise appearances at 140 Brandeis Road.

Superintendent releases early draft of 2016 commencement address.

3

News 5

putin 6

surprise 7

6

opinions 8

NEWS page 2|April 1, 2016|THE LION’S ROAR|THELIONSROAR.COM

news@thelionsroar.com|VOLUME 32, ISSUE 6 1/2

this month in

Yes, your car was just towed. Go check.

review AP AP Introduced The Associated Press announced a new partnership with the College Board on March 16, prompting the creation of a new Advanced Placement Associated Press course, or “AP AP.” The course, which will become available to students in the 2016-17 school year, covers the entire 500page Associated Press stylebook in detail, ranging from the proper use of quotation marks to the dreaded Oxford comma.

South students scrambled to sign up for the course once registration began, thinking it was a class about how to succeed in other AP courses.

‘Marx Hour’ As part of a new district-wide initiative to instill egalitarian values in students of all ages, the South preschool will begin holding “Marx Hour” every day after recess.

Over the course of the year, students will read various pieces of Marxist children’s literature and create Marxism-inspired finger paintings using only the color red. As is customary at South, the toddlers will also be required to memorize the first section of the Communist Manifesto before they graduate.

photo by P.J. Quern

The parking space that your car formerly occupied. It is now empty because your car has been towed. It’s an unfortunate situation.

Negoshian Towing Sr. Auto Editor

Yes, today was the day they finally called the towing company. And yes, they did tow your car. Go outside and check. Go now.

Yes, you. Your car. Your normalcolored used Honda Civic. Or rather, your silver Land Rover. The one with the poorly forged faculty parking pass? Parked in a

faculty spot outside Goldrick? Yes, that one.

Yes, it’s really bad luck. We know you didn’t even have a sticker yet. But look outside, I’m not kidding. It’s gone, you can see it from here.

No, please don’t complain to me about this, save it for the tow truck. No, it’s not School Committee Chair Matt Mountain’s fault. Stop. Stop. Stop it. Just — stop.

You’re right, it isn’t fair that South

charges $180 for a parking pass. It’s true, that is obscene. Yes, it does cost less to pick your car up after it’s been towed than to park here legally. Yes, maybe we should all do that instead.

Yes, your friend did get 12 tickets, and yes, you only got nine. Life is unfair, no doubt about it. But look, here’s P.J. Hey P.J! Here, talk to him about this, he’s in charge of this stuff, I think. Bye. Bye now. Bye. Bye.

New lunch waiver forms instituted WAIVERS, from 1 “Trade-offs, trade-offs, trade-offs,” he said. “On the one hand, yes, it’s a bit of a nuisance for the students, but on the other hand, and more importantly, we really don’t want to get sued.”

The forms, which were released last Monday, are available now in each house office.

A significant contingent of students, however, has already begun to chafe under the new regulations, focusing their opposition on what they see as the unreasonable requirements of the waiver form application.

After completing the detailed, six-page forms — which ask for information that some would consider extraneous, including favorite animal, favorite ice cream flavor and social security number — students will embark on the “signature drive” portion of the waiver application. If successful in collecting signatures from a minimum of 180 students (10 percent of the student body),

students will appear before a local tribunal consisting of their dean, their representative in Congress and the president of the nearest chapter of the AFL-CIO. Should they be approved unanimously by the tribunal, students will receive an un-

“On the one hand, yes, it’s a bit of a nuisance for the students, but on the other hand, and more importantly, we really don’t want to get sued.”

- Matt Mountains, School Committee Chair

hatched dragon egg from which they must coax a clue that reveals the next step in the waiver application. Students are advised to consult Moaning Myrtle if they need help at this stage.

“I’ve had my dragon egg for a full week now, and I still can’t figure it out,” senior Victor Crumb said.

The South Senate has reportedly set forth a bill to ease the waiver form’s requirements, although the bill is expected to take five to seven years to make it to the floor.

Given all the requirements, senior Samwise Goldstein said he is not sure eating outside the cafeteria is “worth it anymore.”

“I filled out the forms, got the signatures, was approved by the tribunal and everything,” he said, “but then my dragon egg told me to make a journey to the Tower of Isengard and get my forms notarized by an available Ent, and that’s where I kind of lost interest, you know what I mean?”

Other students said they would continue trying to escape the underclassmen in the cafeteria at all costs.

“My tribunal hearing is next week, and I’m feeling very optimistic,” junior Richard Trumka said. “I’m confident I’ll be eating in the auditorium lobby by May at the latest.”

April 1, 2016|page 3

THE LION’S ROAR|THELIONSROAR.COM|NEWS

NEW DIMENSIONS The Roar has acquired the technology to print articles in three-dimensional text.

Come to room 1201 for your complementary pair of 3-D glasses!

By David Lloyd George

I

take full responsibility for the government shutdown. I do. Well, not me as an individual, but me as a member of this citizenry. This citizenry, including all of us in a few years, is responsible for electing an efficient and effective government, and, clearly, we have failed that task. The 112th congress was the least productive in the history of the United States, and the 113th is on track to unseat it.

In 1956, then-Senator John F. Kennedy wrote, “We, the people, are the boss, and we will get the kind of political leadership, be it good or bad, that we demand and deserve.” It seems we are not demanding or deserving of very much. A recent poll revealed that consistent viewers of FOX News are less informed than those who watch no news at all, while MSNBC and CNN viewers don’t score much higher. No wonder our government flounders — an uninformed electorate can’t be expected to demand a better one. But the failure is not in our government, the failure isn’t even in the people; the failure is in the press — the news organizations, like FOX, MSNBC, and CNN, that have failed to inform a people that can shape this country for the better.

Why are Americans so uninformed? To understand this, we have to look at the disturbing

habits of modern journalists. Now, more than ever, journalists are writing stories with false equivalency, giving equal weight to each side of a story even if one side is invalid or untrue. These stories endeavor not to report truthfully, but to report equally. For years, those few scientists who denied climate change were given as much validity and attention in the media as the vast majority of scientists who did not. And so we wasted years we could have spent battling climate change debating whether it was actually happening.

The false balance of the news coverage had convinced the public that there were two credible arguments, when, in reality, there was only one. This is the crime of falsely equivalent, “he said, she said” journalism — it lends credence where credence is not due. Of course, not everyone agrees — founding publisher of The New York Times Adolph Ochs said journalists should “report all sides of a controversial issue, and let the reader decide the truth.” But when you include in your reporting the sides of an issue that simply aren’t true, and you don’t clarify this for the reader, you are not giving the reader a fair chance to decide the truth.

To be fair, is necessarily to be unbalanced.

But this false equivalency is a product of a much deeper issue: the perversion of an idea that journalists

think of as sacrosanct — objectivity. The concept of objectivity is well-intentioned. It is the idea that one should report the news without injecting it with personal beliefs and opinions. In fact, it was on the Society of Professional Journalist’s code of ethics until 1996. It was taken out, however, because nowadays many journalists think it means they can’t take a side.

To take a side would convey an opinion. So no matter which side’s argument the truth and the facts favor, they stay out of it — and they write balanced, falsely equivalent stories. But the truth does take sides, and to present it as otherwise is dishonest.

For example, when the Bush administration was making its case for the war in Iraq in 2003, an intern at the Columbia Journalism Review called the editors of various newspapers to see whether their readers’ letters were more opposed to or more in favor of a war in Iraq. Upon calling the newspaper called The Tennessean, the intern learned that about 70 percent of letters opposed the war, but that editors were going to try to run as many pro-war letters as possible to avoid the appearance of bias. Trying to be balanced, to be nonpartisan, The Tennessean deceived Americans.

Trying to be objective, they obscured the truth. And to value anything over the truth, is to betray the purpose

Administration eliminates speech and debate I.V. Bound News Reporter

In an effort to open Cutler Commons to other student groups, the administration has eliminated the Speech and Debate team, alienating scores of freshmen who had dreamed of taking home their own largely meaningless trophies one day.

“I just feel like, what is life without constant individual competition?” freshman Debbie Eight asked. “Nothing, that’s the answer. It’s a void of interminable apathy.

It’s darkness.”

The move by the administration sparked widespread protest on social media.

In a show of solidarity, hundreds of students changed their profile pictures to photos of themselves holding trophies. Several disgruntled freshmen started the hashtag “#definitelynotforcollege.”

“Trade-offs, trade-offs, trade-offs,” School Committee Chair Matt Mountains said in a statement. “We need to ensure that Cutler Commons is being used efficiently, thus fulfilling its role in the modern neoliberal economy.”

The administration’s decision has

ruffled feathers among some parents, too.

“I had it all worked out. She would star in high school debate, then go on to Harvard, if all those posters around the school can be believed. Eventually she’ll run for president, although we’ll settle for Speaker of the House,” Litigg Eight, Debbie’s father, said. “Her first words were, ‘I negate the resolution.’”

Several freshmen staged a demonstration outside the main office, where, fittingly, they each delivered an impassioned speech.

“Imagine you’re a student at Newton

South,” one freshman began.

“Angry. Frustrated. Annoyed. These are some words that might describe a South freshman,” intoned another.

Some students said they would have no choice but to join The Roar now to massage their egos.

Freshmen have defected in such large numbers that some even suspect The Roar was behind Speech and Debate’s demise.

“I guess I’ll just have to settle for one of the best newspapers in the country,” Eight said. “I would have had to learn to work with other people eventually.”

Superintendent releases early draft of speech Corey Pritt Sr. B.S. Editor

Superintendent David Fleishman released an early draft of his 2016 commencement address to the media on Wednesday. The speech is reprinted here in full.

“Good evening, everybody — parents, 2016 graduates, School Committee Chair Matt Mountains. I offer my sincerest congratulations to you graduates, and would like to take this opportunity to present my goals for the upcoming school year: We will transition real-time curriculum compacting through high impact practices.

We will prioritize revolutionary communities with a laser-like focus.

We will envision multidimensional technologies through the experiential-based learning process.

We will agendize shared terminal and enabling objectives in data-driven schools.

We will share out efficient styles across cognitive and affective domains.

We will revolutionize competencybased concept maps through cognitive disequilibrium.

We will morph thematic career and technical education across spatial and temporal scales.

We will discern outcome-based convergence across content areas.

We will leverage student-centered trans-disciplinarity through the collaborative process.

We will target group-based solutions within the Zone of Proximity.

We will mesh synergistic initiatives across the curricular areas.

We will deliver process-based functionalities for high-performing seats.

We will exploit subjective interfaces throughout the Big Ideas.

We will transition technologyenhanced SMART goals through high

impact practices.

We will deploy peer-based content throughout multiple modalities.

We will orchestrate integrated curriculum compacting within professional learning communities.

We will enhance integrated decisionmaking to close the achievement gap.

We will streamline technologyenhanced risk-takers via thinking, learning and doing.

We will discern performance-driven efficacies within the core curriculum.

We will visualize critical professional learning communities within the new paradigm.

We will seize customer-driven experiences for our 21st Century learners.

We will generate intuitive models via self-reflection.

We will disintermediate strengthsbased facilitators outside the box.

We will leverage metacognitive

relationships through the use of centers.

We will empower child-centered mastery learning with synergistic effects.

We will aggregate Next Generation Science Standards across cognitive and affective domains.

We will expedite multidisciplinary action items in data-driven schools.

We will facilitate objective inquiry in authentic, real-world scenarios.

We will triangulate brain-compatible enduring understandings within the new paradigm.

We will synergize performance-driven facilitators throughout multiple modalities.

We will integrate strengths-based differentiated lessons through high impact practices.

And most importantly, we will engineer meaning-centered higher-order thinking within a balanced literacy program.

Thank you. God bless you all, and God bless corporate America.”

page 4|April 1, 2016

Putin|Thelionsroar.com|THE LION’S ROAR

Where’s Putin .

!

ни фига себе! The Russian leader has been spotted in various locations around campus.

If you find the other seven Putins hidden throughout this paper, come to room 1201 next Monday J block to claim your prize!

april 1, 2016|page 5

THE LION’S ROAR|THELIONSROAR.COM|news

Seniors play ‘penis game’ in library P. Nis

Sr. Maturity Editor

Which cheese is moldiest?

A quiz

Penis.

Penis.

PENIS PENIS!

PENIS!

1

PENIS!

PENIS!

PENIS!

PENIS!

PENIS!

2

photo by Matt Mountains

Seniors play the “penis game” in the library.

PENIS!

PENIS!

3

PENIS!

4

PENIS!

5

Kanye interrupts announcements T. Swizzles Yeezus Editor

A week after Easter, students bore witness to the resurrection of Yeezus. During Tuesday’s long advisory, Lord ‘Ye interrupted Principal Stembridge’s morning announcements, bringing back memories of the rapper’s infamous 2009 Grammy’s incident.

“It came as such a shock,” Stembridge said. “I had just been belatedly congratulating

the baseball team on its big win when The Louis Vuitton Don himself appeared in the doorway and grabbed the phone from me.”

Evel Kanyevel then shouted over the loudspeaker, “Yo, Joel, I’m really happy for the baseball team, I’mma let you finish, but outdoor track is having one of the best seasons of all time!”

School Committee Chair Matt Mountains could not be reached for comment.

In a statement, the outdoor track team

said that they did not approve of Yeezy’s behavior, nor did they have any part in planning the interruption.

“Listen, I’m flattered,” senior track captain Captain von Track said. “I loved ‘Life of Pablo.’ But no, we had nothing to do with this.”

Stembridge is reportedly slated to release an original song about his run-in with the Konman next year on his debut album, “The Joel LP.”

6 If you think you know the answer, come to room 1201 next Monday J block for a special prize!

page 6|April 1, 2016

Fun with Taxes

fun page|THELIONSROAR.COM|THE LION’S ROAR

DIctator of the month

COREY SAMUELS sr. fun editor

BFFLS & BAD PUNS How to do your taxes: Step 1: Wait for the forms to come in the mail.

Step 2: If they don’t come by February, get a little nervous.

Step 3: Make sure you were actually employed in that previous year.

Step 4: If they don’t come by the middle of March, look through your spam pile. Brian probably misplaced it.

Step 5: Once they arrive in your mailbox, open the envelope.

Step 6: Download the TurboTax app.

Step 7: Follow the instructions. Refer to documents as directed.

Step 8: Press the “file my taxes” button at the end.

Step 9: If it doesn’t work, ask your parents. They’ll know.

That’s it.

Never say the public school system didn’t teach you how to do your taxes.

Fun with Arts & Crafts

Overheard at SOUTH Yes, we heard you say that.

Avid reader: “I often check out books from the school library.”

Learned sophomore: “The family chemistry project really made me feel more connected to my family’s history!”

Engaged advisory attendee: “The anti-bullying advisories are so useful!”

Eager junior: “I can’t wait to read tonight’s section of The Scarlet Letter!”

~

John Cascino: “Go forth and multiply.”

Useless Punctuation of the Month

Embarrassing Roar Staff Photo of the Month:

~ Tilde ~

Instructions: 1. Cut along dotted line.

2. Apply tape to corners.

3. Put on bedroom wall.

Useful only for approximations and the Spanish letter ñ

The Roar computer lives out its days asleep and alone.

april 1, 2016|page 7

THE LION’S ROAR|THELIONSROAR.COM|fools

April Fool’s, Fools It’s all a joke (except the article about your car; seriously, go check). But on a more serious note...

Congratulations to

Volume 33 Senior Staff !!!

Mona Baloch

Noah Shelton

Carina Ramos

Andrea Lirio

UPGRADE

9 Starbucks kiosk in senior lot

Opinions|THELIONsROAR.com|The lion’s Roar

campus chatter The Lion’s Roar asked ...

What’s the best strategy to combat ISIS? “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim.”

Bernie Sanders wins nomination Eating allowed in library (try it out!)

Racism solved Leo wins Pacemaker Channing Tatum striptease at Sophomore Springfest Angry Corn no longer angry

- Dory, Class of 2016 “Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has those days.

Everybody knows what I’m talking about. Everybody gets that way.”

- Hannah Montana, Class of 2017 “Having fun isn’t hard when you’ve got a library card!”

- Arthur Read, Class of 2018 “Dumbledore’s Army is supposed to be about something real, or what that all just words to you?”

- Neville Longbottom, Class of 2019

9

DOWNGRADE

Wegman’s to close Asteroid headed for Earth Parking passes now 10 percent of household income Barack and Michelle divorce Prom held at Windsor Club Chipotle meningitis outbreak

who said it?

Justin

Bieber

(Canadian) justin edition

1. “I am not a consumer of marijuana, but, yes, I’ve already tried it.”

4. “I’m crazy, I’m nuts. Just the way my brain works. I’m not normal. I think differently.”

2. “Not trying to be arrogant, but if I walked down the street and a girl saw me, she might take a look back because maybe I’m goodlooking, right?”

5. “I think we’re pretty much where we need to be on corporate taxes.”

3. “We have to rethink elements as basic as space and time, to go all science fiction-y on you in this sense.”

6. “At one point, people are going to have to realize that maybe I know what I’m doing.”

7. “I’m really an animal guy.

I express myself in different ways as an animal.”

Justin

Trudeau

8. “It’s not me trying to act or pose in a certain way. It’s a lifestyle — like a suaveness or a swag, per se.”

9. “Now that I’m on top, everyone wants to bring me down. Everyone’s trying to tug at me and take my spot.”

10. “I don’t read the newspapers, I don’t watch the news. I figure, if something important happens, someone will tell me.”

Answers: 1. Trudeau 2. Bieber 3. Trudeau 4. Bieber 5. Trudeau 6. Trudeau 7. Bieber 8. Bieber 9. Bieber 10. Trudeau

page 8|April 1, 2016