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ISSUE 19 SEPTEMBER 2015
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Malibu is a beautiful rural coastal town. The LAST thing we need is yet ANOTHER SHOPPING MALL - and that is what you are voting on Novembver 3 - ANOTHER SHOPPING MALL.
COVER PHOTO BY VANESSA BIELER VANESSABIELER.COM
Regardless of a potential lease the developer may or may not have agreed to with Whole Foods, once you approve a project like this, you put the power in the developers hands to put whatever tenants they see fit, not what businesses best serve our community. VOTE NO in November. Save Malibu from over development.
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LOCAL PERSPECTIVE
A WHOLE LOT OF PROBLEMS for WEBSTER
PTA over
MEASURE W ENDORSEMENT NEWS BLOTTER Webster Elementary School is turning away a generous contribution from the Whole Foods Market. That’s because the school has been dragged into the political fight over the proposal to build a supermarket and shopping center on Cross Creek Road. The principal of the school says it will turn away developer Steve Soboroff’s offer to build a garden and special needs playground at the school. Three PTA leaders at the school had worked with the developer to build community support for the supermarket vote. They went so far as to have pictures of their kids taken waving signs …. that said PTA supports Whole Foods. The school says the PTA and the school have not endorsed or opposed the supermarket project … and will not. One of the PTA officers … featured in newspaper ads touting PTA support of the supermarket … reportedly had requested that her letter not be used in the newspaper ad. Principal Susan Semereg Powell has apologized to the community for the controversy that the tentative acceptance of the Soboroff donation has caused. K B U U radio has been running free campaign announcements …. Both Sides Equal Time … that also carry the Soboroff message … which states that PTA and education leaders have endorsed the yes vote. The radio station has determined that the statement is misleading … but will not pull or edit the announcements unless directed to by the Whole Foods advocates. K B U U is running an announcement alerting listeners that a false claim is made on the radio station …. but the station itself does not censor political speech EDITOR’S NOTE: Below is the guideline from the CA. PTA website stating clearly that members are prohibited from using to use the PTA name to promote any form of political ballot measure or candidate the PTA has not taken a position on. A current PTA officer/board member is prohibited from using his/her title or the name of the PTA to endorse: • a ballot measure on which PTA has not taken a position • any candidate even for purposes of identification in print, electronic, or website candidate literature.
MISLEADING
A message from WEBSTER ELEMENTARY SCHOOL October 15, 2015 Dear Webster Families, At this time I believe I need to dispel some rumors that are going around regarding PTA involvement with the Whole Foods and Park Project, in particular the advertisement that was placed in the Malibu Times last week, and most recently a phone call that was made in the last few days. We want to make it clear that Webster PTA’s support as an organization was never offered to the campaign to pass Measure W -- a local measure on the November ballot. Webster PTA has no position on this initiative. The PTA was unaware of the Measure W campaign’s intention to place the letter, signed as individuals, in newspaper ads and online advertising. Once we became aware of this, PTA president Stephanie Schmelzer immediately contacted the campaign to insist they withdraw any future use of Webster PTA’s name. The phone call was then made without consent from any Webster PTA member. The PTA never offered or paid for any advertising for Measure W. Separately, Stephanie had been approached by Whole Foods with a partnership opportunity that included a generous donation to Webster PTA and inclusion in the Whole Foods Inner-City Garden Exchange Project. I truly appreciate Stephanie’s interest in expanding partnerships with businesses in the community, as their support and donations allow us the opportunity to add programs, purchase technology tools and teacher materials.
MISLEADING
We have been talking about our garden and its connection with Whole Foods since last June. In addition, it has been discussed at every PTA board meeting since then, and was included in our information at the Sip and See prior to Back-to-School Night. The plan to accept the donation from Whole Foods was also announced at our PTA General Meeting. A letter to the editor appeared in the local paper suggesting PTA resources were put into the Measure W campaign and that students were used to promote it. This is not true. Some AMPS leaders have gone so far as to suggest Webster PTA has harmed their efforts, and PTA leaders have been threatened and bullied, which is unacceptable. It is also very disappointing to see such behavior in a city that prides itself on “community” and support of public schools.
MISLEADING
Our PTA leaders are volunteer parents with one interest – supporting all students at Webster. We are fortunate to have a strong group of such involved parents. I know I speak on behalf of our PTA when I say that we are sorry for any concern these recent events have caused and wish for nothing more than to continue our work of supporting the students, teachers and families at our wonderful school. To do that work and to avoid even the appearance of any impropriety, the PTA executive board, with my support, declined the Whole Foods donation. We greatly appreciate everyone’s support and volunteer efforts that help make Webster a positive and collaborative community. We are now moving on to more important things, like the Halloween Parade at 1pm on Friday, October 30th ~ and we hope to see you there! Sincerely, Susan Samarge-Powell, Principal
Above: is the ad for YES on Measure W that shows clear voliations of PTA guidelines and policies. Members of the Webster PTA used their status with the non profit organization to persuade voters. These ads ran in print and online for two consecutive weeks in the Malibu Times and Surfside News.
ENVIRONMENT
RODENTICIDE
CONTINUES TO WREAK HAVOC
I am often recognized as one of the more outspoken citizens in Malibu about local environmental issues. This recent photo of another dead mountain lion is one of the reasons why. Rodenticides killed this mountain lion known as P 34. She was a baby born in the summer of 2014. She and her siblings lives were cut short because people use rat poison. These short-term remedies create long-term ramifications to our environment. When you use a rat box on your property for convenience you are attracting rats with the bait that is in the box. The rodent eats the bait, leaves and dies a slow painful death. The predators who then eat the poisoned rodents are killed and die a slow painful death. Don’t let your pesticide company tell you otherwise. We are not other, separated from our environment, we are all part of the system in this beautiful place we call home. How arrogant we are to move into their habitat, build our homes and poison these indigenous creatures. Think about the way you eradicate because the habitat can’t handle these poisons. Educate yourselves, hire an exclusion company. Search for alternatives and stop using poison! Wendi W. Dunn www.poisonfreemalibu.org Facebook: Poison Free Malibu
Editors Note: You hear a lot about the fatal affects of Rodenticides on Mountain Lions because they are collared, tracked and studied. But what you don’t hear or see are the fatalities of nature’s biggest rodent controllers like Bobcats, Coyotes, Owls and Hawks or the domestic house cats who also prey on poisoned mice and rats. Many house cats do become part of the wildlife food chain but many of those missing cats do not return after being poisoned. Our cat Romeo was a victim of someone in the nieghborhood still putting out rat poison. After months of losing weight, looking emaciated and losing his fur, he was lucky enough to recover but not all cats do! - Steve Woods
Our cat Romeo has been the nieghborhood’s best rodent controller until he ate a poisoned mouse. Romero has since recovered from almost losing his life. Today he is twice as big with a full coat of fur.
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EL NINO WATCH
EL NINO
INVITES AN UNWANTED GUEST Every Southern California surf spot has had its share of the very common two legged snakes but recent sightings of the very rare Yellow Bellied Sea Snake is causing a buzz in beach communities . If you see one please take a picture with accurate details of location and report to a Heal the Bay representative. Most surfers and divers who travel to the tropics, especially Tavarua Fiji, are aware of this highly venomous water snake and know not to handle or interact with them even though it is next to impossible for a human to get bitten by the small jawed monster. Pelamis platurus, is the most widespread snake species on earth, it is found throughout the Indian and Pacific Oceans and from the eastern coast of Africa to the western coast of Central America. Unique among sea snakes, the yellow-bellied sea snake usually lives completely out to sea, criss-crossing the ocean by riding the ocean currents. While it is considered a pelagic (open ocean) species, it is occasionally carried into shallow water close to shore, or may even be beached during period of strong winds. Don’t risk getting bit because the venom is a potent nerve toxin that acts by blocking transmission of messages from nerves to muscles. Sea snakes do not usually inject their toxin when biting defensively. The greatest number of sea snake bites to humans are reported from the Philippines and southeastern Asia where snakes are accidentally caught in fishing nets. Fatal bites result in death from respiratory, heart, or kidney failure. Less severe cases result in breakdown of muscle tissue and kidney damage, but victims recover without long-term effects if effective anti-venom is received. Once ashore, these oceangoing snakes are helpless, and cannot crawl (because of their tapered bellies). While there are occasional sightings of yellow-bellied sea snakes in Hawaiian waters and rare beach strandings (sometimes coinciding with El Niño current years) there have been no known reports of bites from yellow-bellied sea snakes in Hawai‘i. For the first time since the last big El Ninos in the 1980’s warm currents are bringing sea life and tropical wildlife that we usually only see south of the Tropic of Cancer. Along with schools of yellow tail tuna, jellyfish and migrating Hammerheads following warm water currents, one of the first confirmed sighting of an endangered Pacific Leatherback sea turtle occurred this week on Saturday, Aug. 15th near Pedro Point in Pacifica, CA. and marks the start of their annual summer feeding season off the coast of California. When was the last time you saw a sea turtle in our waters? The highly endangered sea turtles migrate across the entire Pacific Ocean, over 6,500 miles each way, to feed on abundant jellyfish along the coast.
Unusual tropical guest being delivered by El Nino’s warm currents Yellow Bellied Sea Snake.
First Leatherback Turtles sighted off California coast in 20 years.
Even green sea turtles that typically live in the tropical waters of places like Mexico or Hawaii, came as a surprise to scientists to find a group of 40 turtles swimming in the San Gabriel River in Long Beach. These turtles are believed to be the northernmost population of foraging green turtles, 100 miles further up the coast than the next closest cluster in San Diego. As El Niño brings new unusual life into our waters , the warmer currents quash the usual upwelling of cold, nutrient-rich seawater along our coastline. The normally cold California current supports our oceanic food chain: from plankton and fish species, to kelp forests and marine mammals. Fish have responded to warming ocean temperatures this year by migrating north or out to sea in search of cooler waters. Consequently, sea lions have had to venture further from their young to look for those fish as their primary food source. After years of nutrient rich cold, La Nina upwelling sealLion populations quickly increase but with more competition for dwindling warmer water food sources it has had a cascading effect on local California sea lion populations, leading to an unusual mortality event for sea lions this year. Surfers should consider ordering longer boards for this winter’s predicted, larger than average, west swells and snow boarders should get their boards tuned up and beachfront. Residents should appreciate whatever sand is presently on their beach. Based upon historic El Niño events like 1982-83 and 1997-98, much of Southern California’s beach sand may disappear, coastal bluffs will suffer serious erosion, and some homes and businesses will flood, so home owners should fine-tune insurance policies and stock up on sand bags. I would also recommend that the $30 million Broad Beach Sand Replenishment Project be delayed until a La Nina Condition returns unless they want to flush money down the drain. Last summers Hurricane Marie were the first signs of an El Nino influence. Laird Hamilton and Allen Sarlo at Surfrider. Photo: Ron Berkes
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COASTAL VOTE
SPLITS SEA WORLD’S FUTURE Malibu locals Kirby Kotler and his daughter Kirra continued on their crusade to free the Orcas from captivity and recently sttended the Coastal Commission meeting concerning the expansion of SeaWorld. Kirra Kotler was part of the class of fifth-graders at Point Dume Marine Science Elementary School in Malibu that had planned to take an overnight trip to SeaWorld San Diego. But after seeing the film Black Fish and the dark side of killer whales being held in captivity, Kirra, who was ten at the time, made an unpopular yet remarkably responsible decision to GO BEYOND and stand up for the humane treatment of these majestic giants of the sea ( read the entire story in Issue 4 of 90265 Magazine, issuu.com/90265magazine ). As the word spread of Kirra’s reason for cancelling the trip more and more students, parents and school faculty understood her motives and cancelled the trip. Mainstream media caught wind of the chatter from social media and other schools followed suit . The trip cancellations came on the heels of announcements by several prominent musicians that said they are pulling out of upcoming gigs at SeaWorld parks. The Kotlers forwarded this letter below from Dr. Naomi Rose that best sums up the recent events concerning SeaWorld and the massively attended Coastal Commission meeting. -Steve Woods
From Dr Naomi Rose On October 8, the California Coastal Commission (CCC) voted to allow SeaWorld San Diego to build its $100 million expansion of Shamu Stadium, a project known as Blue World, but only under the following conditions: the company must end the orca breeding program in San Diego; no whales can be transferred into the park; no whales can be transferred out of the park consistent with federal law (meaning the four whales in San Diego who are there through permits issued under the federal Marine Mammal Protection Act – Shouka, Corky, Kasatka, and Ulises – may be transferred out of the park, but certainly the latter three, who are older and established in the dominance hierarchy in San Diego, are highly unlikely ever to be moved); and no more than 15 whales can ever be held in the new orca complex (so four additional whales could be added to accommodate rescues). In essence, the CCC has voted to end, through a long-term phase-out, the public display of captive orcas in California. The 11 whales currently at SeaWorld would almost certainly be the last, as very few orcas strand alive in the wild and even fewer are successfully rescued. This vote leaves SeaWorld three options. SeaWorld can accept the conditions and the permit and build Blue World, but end the breeding program. SeaWorld can choose not to use the permit and retain the status quo at the park, but then it leaves itself open to criticism that the Blue World project was never about improving welfare and offering more research opportunities – it was always about expanding the breeding program. Or SeaWorld can sue the CCC for exceeding its authority under the California Coastal Act. My bet is on door number 3. In the ballroom at the Long Beach Convention Center (which held 500 people), there were basically three factions. The ‘yes’ voters (approximately half) were SeaWorld supporters, many bussed in from San Diego by SeaWorld. The ‘no’ voters were mostly animal rights and animal welfare proponents, who felt strongly that Blue World would at best incrementally improve the whales’ welfare but at great cost if breeding continued to be allowed – a financial commitment, to the tune of $100 million, to display orcas in perpetuity, making the eventual phasing out of captive orca display that much more difficult. Finally there were the ‘yes’ voters, but with strict conditions, the same conditions the CCC eventually approved. To be honest, the ‘no’ voters mostly supported the final possibility, but felt the CCC would never agree to end breeding in San Diego, as many commissioners weren’t convinced they had the authority to pass such a condition – the argument over jurisdiction (which I believe strongly the CCC unequivocally has) took up a lot of pre-hearing lobbying time and was heavily researched and discussed by the CCC’s staff. In the end, the staff report did in fact conclude that California could establish stricter standards for captive orcas than the minimum set by federal law. The CCC’s final vote was nevertheless a shocker to all in the room (no doubt SeaWorld most of all!) after a very long day of testimony and discussion. Up until the last minute, it seemed that the vote would be to approve the expansion, with conditions that would not have changed the status quo at SeaWorld much at all. The only real constraint on SeaWorld would have been the cap at 15 whales and a prohibition on bringing in any whales caught from the wild after January 1, 2012, or their descendants or genetic material. This would have meant that SeaWorld would not have been able to use the whales taken in Russia since captures resumed there in the past three years (as many as 15 have been taken, sent to facilities in Russia and China). Commissioner Greg Cox proposed these conditions soon after public testimony ended, and the ‘no’ voters felt they must have seemed very tempting to the CCC – many of whom had expressed concern about becoming involved in this animal welfare controversy and who wanted somehow to say yes (without totally forsaking orcas who might end up in San Diego in the future) to a well-established tourism business in southern California. Cox’s conditions might have allayed the fears of those who worried SeaWorld would “stuff” the new tanks with many more whales produced in a breeding program that took advantage of the new genes now available through the unsustainable Russian capture program. However, Mr. Cox’s proposal was not seconded and so Vice Chair Dayna Bochco was able to put forward her proposal – one that would allow the expansion only if the display of captive orcas at SeaWorld eventually ended over the next 30-40 years, as the current 11 whales grow old and die. This proposal was promptly seconded and even more promptly voted on. The ‘yes’ vote for the final permit was unanimous – even Mr. Cox, knowing he had lost his gambit to support SeaWorld, voted for it. Why did the CCC react so indifferently to Mr. Cox and so readily to Ms. Bochco? Both proposals had clearly been discussed via lobbying before the hearing. SeaWorld had already agreed to Mr. Cox’s conditions. The CCC staff report was available for all to see several days before the hearing and clearly recommended a ‘yes’ vote with minor conditions (less stringent than Mr. Cox’s and falling well short of Ms. Bochco’s). While the CCC clearly had jurisdiction to establish the conditions it eventually did, several Commissioners heading into the hearing seemed, for whatever political reasons, reluctant to do so. So why did the CCC ignore its staff recommendation (which it
certainly has been known to do in the past, but not all that often) and Mr. Cox’s even stricter restraints?
ENVIRONMENT Kirra Kotler and her fifth grade class in 2014 Kirra Kotler in Malibu, January 2014.
Photo by Dana Fineman
Photo by Emily Scher
Kirra Kotler and her fifth grade class in 2014.
I believe it had everything to do with the eight hours of testimony, which is precisely why the Coastal Act permits everyone who comes to a hearing to speak and the Commissioners actually LISTEN. In the end, most of the people who came to the microphone were ‘no’ voters. Several of these, representing animal and environmental non-profit organizations for the most part, were given 10-15 minutes to speak and offered eloquent, impassioned, rational arguments against the construction of a very large hole in the ground in an earthquake zone, to be filled with water and whales. Those ‘no’ voters who only had two minutes each, who came from all walks of life, were equally articulate and heartfelt. While some expressed anger at a corporation they felt exploited orcas, most provided reasoned personal perspectives on why the perpetuation of captive orca display was a bad choice for the progressive state of California. In contrast, SeaWorld supporters, even SeaWorld’s representatives themselves, offered stale rhetoric and, even worse, ad hominem attacks against anti-captivity activists. I think this was a significant tactical error on their part. Even their most credible witnesses, such as the head vet for SeaWorld San Diego, who certainly has his fair share of credentials, chose to sling mud at SeaWorld detractors, calling them names and belittling their sincerity and credibility, rather than focus on the welfare of the orcas. The president of the park, who was the first speaker, set the tone by telling the commissioners that they would hear from many ignorant and ill-informed people who wanted the CCC to deny the Blue World permit. One SeaWorld supporter spent his two minutes at the microphone almost frothing at the mouth, spewing forth insults and accusations against specific ‘no’ voters (myself included) without ever addressing the substance of the matter before the CCC. Only two Hollywood actors testified, one in the ‘no’ camp and one in the ‘yes.’ The former was polite, sincere, and brief. The latter was condescending, self-righteous, and actually offered an insult against the former! With friends like these, SeaWorld needs no enemies. I have twice now seen SeaWorld representatives testify at public policy events where they insulted even those who supported them. At the hearing for AB2140, the Orca Welfare and Safety Act introduced by Assemblyman Richard Bloom in the California legislature in 2014, SeaWorld’s lobbyist called the proposed legislation a “silly, silly bill” during his testimony, causing the committee’s strongest SeaWorld proponent to chastise him for insulting the Assembly, which she said never considered “silly” bills. Now, before the CCC, SeaWorld was telling the Commissioners that everyone who opposed Blue World was a radical, ignorant animal rights activist, even knowing that people like Dr. Jane Goodall, let alone many of the non-profit representatives with long histories of legitimate conservation and welfare work behind them, were among them. That surely insulted the Commissioners’ intelligence. I honestly believe this behavior pushed even those Commissioners who favored SeaWorld to vote yes on Ms. Bochco’s proposal. In the hours and days since the vote, SeaWorld has reacted with the following message: preventing its orcas from breeding would be cruel and inhumane, as mating and motherhood are necessary natural behaviors for the whales’ welfare. Once again, I can only describe this as a massive tactical error. Even those who support SeaWorld can hear the hypocrisy and irony ringing through this message. Apparently the only necessary natural behaviors for orcas are mating and bearing young (natural motherhood is denied them in captivity already, of course, as calves are routinely separated from their mothers while still socially and even nutritionally dependent). Yet swimming in straight lines for more than a few feet, hunting for live prey, diving tens if not hundreds of feet deep, living in extended family groups – these are ALL necessary natural behaviors and it is inhumane to take any and all of them away from the whales. SeaWorld cherry-picking as “cruel to take away” the one behavior and process that produces more whales for SeaWorld is profoundly and unethically self-serving. I truly hope SeaWorld takes a long, hard look at its strategy and tactics after this vote and seriously considers that now may be the time to start shifting with the paradigm. The times they are a’changin’ and SeaWorld is not changing with them. If it doesn’t start, the possibility for a win-win solution becomes increasingly remote.” For more a fascinating look into Orca Culture and Orca Family Structure this Youtube Ted Talk with Naomi Rose is truly enlightening https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=OmMv9t_hW8k&app=desktop&noredirect=1
Photo by Tim Horton
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ENVIRONMENT
A DOUBLE
BY STEVE WOODS
NO-NO AT THE LAGOON
PHOTOS BY TIM HORTON AND STEVE WOODS
On a recent trip to the Malibu Lagoon, I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw a man fishing where thousands of large Mullet were gathered in a thick frenzy of splishing and splashing. There was a south swell and a new moon high tide washing over where the next most likely breach will occur on the lowest point of the berm nearest to the Colony. It must have been this fisherman’s dream to cast his line into a school of frothing fish, but I know that fishing there was illegal. I asked him if he had his fishing license because it was not displayed on his hat or around his neck like it was supposed to be. He said ‘yes’, so I stated that he must be aware of the laws and the regulations. Again, he nodded ‘yes’ and proceeded to continue fishing and three casts later caught a large Mullet, that was putup a big fight that attracted a large Great Blue Heron that stabbed it numerous times with its giant beak. The fisherman successfully reeled it in. He was so proud; he was so dumb. The fine can be thousands of dollars and if he hooked an endangered Steelhead the fine could be10 times that and 6 months of jail time. Then about ten feet a way, a father and son in wet-suits were on their knees digging deep trenches with their bare hands, starting from two different directions from the ocean to the lagoon. I asked what they were doing and they responded that they were going to breach the lagoon in order to let the trapped Mullet out to the ocean. I said a Ranger was on the way about the illegal fishing and that if the Ranger sees them that they will be cited for a very large Federal fine that could be up to several thousand dollars. I had to explain to them it is a federal crime to alter the course of a federally protected waterway and that they could be killing thousands of fish who are not yet naturally programmed to make the out of season natural transition to a saline conditions and that thousands of tide pool creatures like star fish, clams, mussels and urchins would be killed when the fresh water floods the tidepool. He then said it would also help the surf get better but I called bullshit and informed him that in all of the decades that the Midnight Shovel Brigade, surfers, who breached the berm at third point, NEVER made the cobblestone configurations any better. When I told him a Ranger was coming they split lickity fast but not before the Ranger intercepted all 3 law breakers. Local surfer Andy Lyon knows the monetary sting that Fish And Game can dish out when one is caught in the act of slightly altering the course of a waterway which Andy did by simply dragging his foot across the berm to divert an impending breach at one location to another location. His expensive fine has probably made others think twice about getting caught. I tried to warn the fisherman and the father and son but now they have to deal with Fish And Game for there ignorance. It is obvious that a natural breach will occur in the best place for surfers and has done so 90% of the time since the Malibu Lagoon Restoration so it makes no sense for surfers to a risk getting busted for manually breaching the lagoon prematurely. It would be best for a natural breach to be delayed until just before an El Nino flash flood. Only in 1938 and 1969 did watershed receive the massive amounts of hourly rainfall over a length of time to create the hydraulic power to re-configure the cobblestones in an ideal manner to improve the shape of the surf. Manual dry season breaches may move a wee bit of sand around for a temporary sand bar on small days but cannot move large cobblestones around like the creek can do during 50 years floods. There has been some chatter by surfers in planning an illegal covert breach of the berm but do they consider the negative consequences on Wildlife? For years there have been talks between Surfers, State Parks, the Surfrider Foundation, Fish and Game and other wildlife and environmental organizations about breeching the lagoon at the top of the point and keeping it open year around with the hopes of recreating the cobblestone reef configurations but the majority stakeholders agreed to preserve the natural cycles of the coastal lagoon system. Many surfers do not realize that coastal lagoons support a variety wildlife that depend on closed berm conditions during the dry season and that Steelhead and other fish are seasonally programmed to enter and leave the watershed during the open berm conditions during the rainy season. Before the first big rain of the winter season burst through the sand berm, be sure to watch the thousands of large Mullets that are thriving all around the lagoon jumping everywhere and gathering where the ocean is spilling over the berm into the lagoon nearest to the Colony homes.The highest tides are best. There you will see an incredible amount of fish who are sensing the seasonal changes and their impending natural migration to the ocean. Along with all of the new migratory birds flying in from distant lands, you will not be disappointed by the frenzy of life - Flocks of Ruddy Ducks, Coots, Shovel Head Ducks, and a pair of beautiful Cinnamon Teals are stopping in but birders seem more excited by various species of Warblers. Surfers have faith, be patient mother nature does it best and El Nino may do some flooding and magic re-configuring sometime this winter. And a note for tempted fisherman, whatever you do, don’t hook an endangered Steelhead. And from what I hear those weird looking Stripped Mullets taste weirder.
Mother and sons checking out Mullet madness.
These fisherman don’t need a fishing license.
Heron coming home after a good day of fishing.
Mullets look weird and taste weirder.
OPINION
ISIS WANTS TO K I L L YOU 8. PROPAGANDA
BY DAVID STANSFIELD EDITED BY ALLEN WALDMAN
OPINION
8. PROPAGANDA
OPINION
9. HOW TO DEFEAT ISIS
With his wife, Denise Boiteau, David has written and produced some four hundred television shows in Canada (both in English and French), PBS in the U.S., the -Discovery Channel, NHK, Encyclopedia Britannica and Time-Life. Their TV productions have been translated into numerous languages and have won over fifty international film and television awards, including the selection of their “The Middle East” series in the Academy Awards Best Educational Documentary category. David’s most recent published books are One Last Great Wickedness, The Man Who Murdered Time, Take Nothing For Granted, Blood, Attack at Noon, The Seventh Coming, Got a Couple of Minutes? and Highway Robbery. He is currently working on a ninth book, provisionally entitled Cerebrum. He graduated Summa Cum Laude in Modern Arabic from Durham University, followed by further studies in the same language at Cambridge University, the Sorbonne and the University of Toronto, whereupon he was recruited by MI6. David and his wife, Denise Boiteau, have lived in Malibu for 28 years with the son and two daughters they have between them, each of whom founded a clothing company here: Pascal, Freedom Artists with Patrick Jensen; Claire, C&C California with Cheyann Benedict; and Olivia, Three Tees Golf with her husband, lifeguard and aquatic stuntman Brett Smith.
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COVER FEATURE
MALIBU DREAMIN’ PHOTOS BY VANESSA BIELER
JESSIE SCHLOSSMANN INTERVIEW BY LINDA ATKINSON
UCLA grad and double Masters degree holders don’t always end up teaching yoga but for Malibu local Jessie Schlossmann she wouldn’t have it any other way. Jessie graduated from UCLA with a degree in English Literature and minors in Anthropology and Global Studies and she went on to complete her formal education at Macquarie University in Sydney Austraila with a double Masters degrees in International Relations and International Communications. Globally inspired Schlossmann has lived in four continents and traveled to over 50 countries but it was a call she got years ago at the age of 22 that truly changed her life. Schlossmann was living and working for CNN in Hong Kong when she found out that her Mother had passed away unexpectedly, this brought her greatest life lesson so far - “appreciate every single second of your life and do the things that truly make you smile.” To Schlossmann this translates to “practice yoga daily and jump in the ocean almost everyday.” An avid surfer, Schlossmann calls this her “moving meditation”. The Local caught up with the beautiful model/surfer/yoga teacher in Malibu to find out more about her life, travels, yoga and spirituality.
“MY PRACTICE HELPS ME TO SLOW DOWN, CONNECT TO MY BREATH AND CULTIVATE A SPACE OF GRATITUDE” LA: Tell us about your Yoga training… how did you get started? What inspires you most about yoga? JS: My first experience with yoga was when I was little, my mom was my Girl Scout Troop Leader and she taught us all yoga. This was in the 80’s before the globalization of yoga and all of us girls thought she was crazy. I began my own yoga practice when I was about 15 years old. I remember going to my first yoga class at Malibu Fitness but it was very different then the yoga we practice today at Malibu Beach Yoga, it was very serious and intense, very traditional yoga. I skipped around the different studies and classes in Malibu and Santa Monica for the next few years. But it wasn’t until I visited India at age 19 that my love of yoga and Eastern Philosophy sparked. I spent some time in Southern India at an Ashram learning the spiritual aspects of yoga, the Yamas, Niyamas and the art of meditation. Through my samplings of classes in Malibu and Santa Monica I had learned the basics of the poses and the physical benefits, but from my experience in India I was able to understand the spiritual side as well. Through my travels and studies I have been able to practice yoga in many different countries around the world --Thailand, Indonesia, Hawaii, Australia, China, I think I bring a little of all these global experiences to my classes. LA: You studied Yoga with Jay Co in West Los Angeles - what is your feeling on yoga teacher training? How can someone find a great teacher trainer? JS: I decided to get certified to teach yoga a few years ago not with the intention to teach. I wanted to deepen my own practice and get a better understanding of the ‘8 limbs of yoga’ which I was introduced to in India. I was certified by my Master teacher Jay Co in West LA. after that the universe excluded me from the path I thought I was on and opened the doors that led me to teach yoga. Everyone knows the saying, when the student is ready the teacher appears and just like that when I decided to do my teacher training my friend took me to a Jay Co class in town. It was the best yoga class I had ever taken. Every word resonated with me and each pose seemed perfectly planned to fit my taste. At then end of the class Jay announced that he was starting a yoga teacher training the following week and that he would be donating all the money to Charity Water. I took it as a sign and dove right in. If someone is interested in teacher training I suggest first finding a teacher that really resonates with them, someone whose style you love and ask them if they have plans to lead a teacher training or find out where they did theirs. The world of yoga is so broad, my training was very philosophy heavy but I have heard of teacher trainings that omit philosophy and instead focus on another aspect. One is not better then the other, the student must decide what aspects are most important to them. LA: You teach ‘Hot Power’ at Malibu Beach Yoga (MBY) in Malibu, can you explain this type of yoga and its benefits? JS: When people think of Hot Power Yoga they envision the birkram studio our Studio only gets about 90 degrees. I teach a pretty fast paced flow in a heated room, which makes it almost a cardio workout. I’m very excited about a class that I will be adding to the MBY schedule in November. I will be teaching Hot Power Sculpt, this is a very challenging class designed to tone and build strength while staying true to my yoga roots. The class will focus on breath work and traditional vinyasa yoga but with the added benefit of weights and lots of core work for the extra challenge.
COVER FEATURE LA: Ok let’s talk a little more about HOT Power Yoga - translation - “a rigorous work out in a 90 degree room” ... honestly how hard is it to do for the beginner? Is it as much a mental workout as it is a physical one? JS: I actually like it better for some beginners because the heat helps to open up the muscles creating a more profound stretch and meditation at the end of practice. When people are just starting out with their yoga practice its easy to get bored during long holds so as long as the alignment is correct and safe new yogis usually like these classes better than ‘ yin’ or gently yoga. Its not until your practice matures that you are able to appreciate micro refinements and a good five minute yin hip opener. I remember in my early years of yoga literally watching the clock praying for savasana but the more I practiced the more interesting each pose and even each breath became. Today I can walk into one of Kat’s classes and I feel like I close my eyes and its over because I am complelty present and with her every pose of the way. LA: There are so many yoga studios in Southern California. What sets Malibu Beach Yoga apart form the rest and why did you choose to work there? JS: I choose to work at Malbu Beach Yoga because I grew on Point Dume and have a deep connection to the community here so it was an obvious choice for me. I love the physical space of the Studio and all of the teachers. But most imporatntly I love the community around Sunlife and the Studio. I have known Khalil Rafati (owner of Sunlife and Malibu Beach Yoga) for over half my life so I was very excited to hear he was opening a Yoga Studio. I love watching Khalil’s own process and what he has done with Sunlife and the Malibu community. I’m happy to be a part of the healthy, positive role that Sunlife and the Studio have brought to Point Dume - organic food and yoga all in one area. When I was at Malibu High the cool thing was to ditch school and smoke cigarettes at Little Dume. Today, its cool to work at Sunlife, drinking green juices and taking yoga. I have so much hope for this generation of Malibu and I feel like Sunlife and Malibu Beach Yoga are the perfect place for these kids to explore health and spirituality. LA: Some feel that the West has taken the purity out of Yoga, what are your thoughts on this? JS: As yoga has traveled and evolved around the globe it has changed from the original text and of course people highly criticize this and look down on the West’s influence. I love the affect globalization has on certain cultural delights. People come for the physical benefits of yoga but stay for the mental and spiritual effects. As Americans, we have adapted it to fit our tastes and in the same way I love the evolution of yoga and where it is today. I love how people like Bryan Kest and even Bikram have adapted yoga to fit our modern needs. Bryan Kest took a slow serious yoga and transformed it into Power Yoga. I love that my yoga and spiritual practice can be combined. In the past yoga was a way to strengthen the body in order to meditate. Today yoga does that ,and I emphasize that in my classes, but it also has a lot of the internal benefits as well. To be hones,t I don’t think yoga would be nearly as popular if it was still in its original form. I believe the more people practice yoga, the better our world. LA: You mentioned your Mom was very spiritual - what did your Mom teach you growing up about spirituality? What does being spiritual mean to you? JS: My mom was a very spiritual lady, I remember being very young and her dragging me to her Buddhist prayer groups and yoga classes, it was all so different back then. For me spirituality means being connected to the universe and having faith in something ‘greater than ourselves’. I feel this connection when I am practicing yoga, surfing, hiking, traveling, and being around my family. It is in these activities I am completely present and connected. LA: Of all the 50 countries that you have travelled to what is your favourite trip? JS: As a traveler this is a very difficult question to answer. My favorite countries are the ones where my heart feels happy... these are usually tropical places like Bali, Hawaii, Tahiti. I love traveling to places with waves and yoga, places where I can eat fresh fruit and wear a bikini all day without getting cold. One of my favorite recent trips was last year when my boyfriend Anthony and I went to the Maldives. The place was an absolute dream. Staying in an over-water bungalow was my favorite part about the trip. Falling asleep over that crystal clear water, taking a bath watching tropical fish swim under you, it was divine. We surfed perfect empty waves all day and spent the evening in the most romantic setting you can imagine - bubble baths, chocolates delivered to the room, little bike rides around the island, over-water hammocks, being able to wake up and jump straight into the ocean from bed was my personal heaven. LA: Wow - that does sound amazing and I love the photo of the two of you on the over-water swing that you have on your blog! Speaking of it… in your lifestyle blog malibuddah.com you share information about the “blue zones” discovered by National Geographic. These “zones” as places where people live the longest and most healthy lives. One of the five identified “blue zones” on the planet is Nicoya Peninsula in Costa Rica where the local population is more then twice as likely than Americans to reach a healthy age 90. Tell us more what you learned about this area? JS: Basically what I learned from these “ blue zone” is that the key to longevity and to life is to take care of yourself and create balance. The “blue zones” of the world are very much what Malibu is becoming I feel like Malibu is transitioning from a place of excessive partying and extravagance to a place like these “ blue zones” - the strong community and emphasis on clean diet, exercise and lots of freash air and outdoor activities. LA: I know I am not alone having the Maldives on my “must see” travel list but it sounds like you had a strange encounter while there, what was that like? What is next on your “must see” travel list? JS: Although the experience was not perfect we did have a great time. I can honestly say I have been everywhere I have ever wanted to go, now its just the places I want to return to again and again. I get homesick for places like Kauai and a piece of my heart will always be there… *read Jessie’s blog to see what happened in the Maldives LA: I must say your lifestyle blog is one to envy - yoga, surfing, fashion and wellness while traveling to places like Micronesia, Maldives, Dubai, Indonesia, Costa Rica - if you could share in just one sentence what you have learned from your global travels and spiritual pursuits what would it be? JS: What I learned from my travels is the same thing that I have learned on my mat, that we are all connected, respect your body, each other, and your planet. LA: thanks Jessie, it’s been a pleasure. instagram: @malibuddah; facebook - malibuddah malibuddah.com
PHILANTHROPY
CREATIVE TURN ON L.A. VISIONS BY CLAUDIA TAYLOR
PHOTOS BY IAN BAILEY
If you count yourself into the group of people who want to make the world a better place, Creative Visions “Turn On LA” annual gala belongs on your social and charitable radar. Unlike many “rubber chicken” fundraisers, “Turn On LA” is all about the creative energy in the room. There was a palpable pulse of interest and support from the advocates, filmmakers, story-tellers, artists, and influencers who filled the ballroom last Thursday at Casa Del Mar in Santa Monica to capacity. The event raised $300,000, which will go to support youth creative activist programs and provide support for artists, filmmakers and journalists who are telling stories about problems that need to be solved around the world. Creative Visions is currently supporting 50 of these artists and media makers through their Creative Activist Program. The projects being supported share the common goal of raising awareness and action around social issues. Creative Visions Co-founder Kathy Eldon, taking the stage looking chic and radiant, gratefully thanked the crowd that included State Senator Ben Allen, Robert Kennedy Jr., Kweku Mandela, and a host of filmmakers including; Geralyn Davis of Impact Partners; actors Patricia Arquette, Alfred Molina, Maria Bello and many philanthropists including Trude Styler. Kathy also acknowledged the recent passing of rock widow Gayle Zappa. Gayle had reached out to Kathy after hearing the story of her son Dan’s headline grabbing murder, and the two became close friends and confidants. Gayle was the encouraging voice who told Kathy she needed do something positive to channel her grief. That became Creative Visions.
Amy Eldon Turtletaub, Robert Kennedy Jr., Kathy Eldon
Kathy confessed that she had no part in organizing this year’s obviously successful gathering.“I just returned from 8 weeks in Africa, I had nothing to do with this!” She was on location, co-producing the film ‘Journey’, an emotional re-telling of the life and tragic death of her beloved son Dan Eldon, the gifted artist and Reuters photo journalist killed by stoning from a mob in Somalia, as he was covering the unfolding events of the revolution in 1993 with 3 other journalists. The film, 22 years in the making, is ironic in fact that Dan was 22 when he died. It is directed by Browyn Hughes, and stars Maria Bello playing the role of Kathy Eldon. A trailer from the film was shown during the night’s program. Creative Visions and the Dan Eldon Foundation is the positive result of Kathy and her daughter Amy’s journey to healing, eloquently chronicled in Kathy’s recently published memoir “IN THE HEART OF LIFE”. Kathy co-founded Creative Visions with her daughter Amy Eldon Turteltaub to honor Dan’s life and inspire and empower creative activism by journalists, filmmakers and artists who use media and the arts to highlight social causes at home and abroad. Creative Visions Foundation presented the 2015 Dan Eldon Award for Courageous Journalism to the parents of James Foley. James was the first American killed by ISIS, a horrific incident witnessed world-wide. Diane Foley took the stage, acknowledging that Dan and James were talented, kindred spirits, drawn to the drama of war. In a touching moment, Diane read James final letter, when he was one of 18 prisoners, to the rapt audience. She accepted the award in the name of the James W. Foley Legacy Foundation-established to honor their son’s uncompromising commitment to freedom of the press and advocacy of basic human rights. Covering international topics often heavy and politically charged, it’s remarkable that the evening was filled with joy and humor. Producer/ Director and MC of the evening was Jon Turteltaub, husband of Creative Visions co-founder Amy Eldon, who kept things light and often hilarious. “Being involved with Creative Visions means giving away most of the money I’ve ever made. I don’t get to buy myself anything...ever!”
Creative Visions founder, Kathy Eldon
Actress Maria Bello and Kathy Eldon
When his wife Amy Eldon took the stage, she semi-joked “letting your child leave the house and take risks is hard enough. Jon and I will encourage our kids to lead quiet lives of mediocrity and stay with us forever.” The nights other speakers included Robert Kennedy Jr., who spoke about his family’s dedication to the legacy we leave to future generations. Academy Award winning Documentary Producer Geryalyn Dreyfous, (Born into Brothels) was honored for the role she plays bringing together filmmakers, philanthropists and investors to create works that focus on social issues. Actress Maria Bello and Kweku Mandela, grandson of Nelson Mandela, a producer on the film JOURNEY, joined together on stage to encourage the audience stay committed to activism here and abroad, intoning the phrase “ if not for you.” Honors were also given to filmmakers Brad Allgood, Alejandra Amarilla and Julianna Penaranda-Loftus for their SXSW award winning film ‘Landfill Harmonics’, with a touching performance by the musician subjects of the film- playing on instruments they created from materials found in the garbage dumps of Paraguay. The inspiring night of films clips, songs and stories was capped by the poignant and haunting voice of singer and songwriter LP. After the program was over, guests lingered in the room, connecting and sharing the sparks that had clearly been ignited. “Turn On LA” was followed by a weekend full of activities at the Creative Visions Malibu campus, and a final “sundowner” gathering with all out of town guests, Creative Activist Program members, and Creative Activist Network members. For more information and to get involved: www.creativevisions.org
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DELICATE SQUASH WITH POMEGRANATES 3 Large Delicata squash 1/2 red onion 1 cup pomegranates 1 large clove of garlic 1 tsp pumpkin spice 1tsp cinnamon salt & pepper 1/4 cup apple cider vinegar 1/4 cup maple syrup or agave syrup 1/4 cup olive oil Thyme and rosemary 1. Cut the delicate squash in half and remove the seeds with a spoon. Slice in half inch slices. Don’t peel. Chop the onion. 2. In a skillet under high heat: Add the olive oil. Place the Delicate slices in the skillet with the cinnamon, pumpkin spice, salt & pepper, minced garlic and the chopped red onion. Sprinkle the chopped rosemary and thyme. Cook for about 3 to 5 minutes to golden brown. Reduce the heat. 3. Under low heat: Add the apple cider vinegar, maple syrup or agave and let simmer for 10 to 13 minutes or until cooked. Serve in a beautiful dish mixed with the pomegranates. Sprinkle fresh rosemary and thyme. Muriel Angot’s cookbooks are available on HSN or procapslab.com
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WELLNESS
ARE YOU AFRAID?
BY TED MCDONALD
EXCELLENT, THEN NOW IS YOUR TIME TO GROW! In the great book, Autobiography of a Yogi, author, Paramahansa Yogananda was given much advice by his guru. One pearl of wisdom that stood out for me was to, “look fear in the face and it will cease to trouble you.” So many of us love to live in our comfort zone. We wake up, have our coffee, head to work, drop the kids off, come home, blah, blah, blah. At the same time, we complain about not living up to our potential. With a little push, we can change that. We can use our fear as a guide to help move through our blocks and create the life we know we can have. I read that book 20 years ago and that one quote has proven to be an excellent motto for my own growth. There are so many opportunities to become better people, to increase our health, our relationships, our finances, our community and ultimately change the world. To change careers, to serve others, to do what scares us. Why? Because it is the way to continually evolve as humans and create new normals. My previous norm used to be smoking cigarettes, drinking on the weekends and sitting around the TV watching sports. Not exactly the recipe for health, longevity and an amazing life. Throughout history, the people who have moved the needle of society have always lived on the edge. And, there is no reason we can’t all live on our own edge, push our own envelope and create a better world as a result. Not all of us are creating new technology companies, winning Nobel prizes, or creating art to last through the ages. But, we are all equal beings and our impact is just as powerful in the lives of our children, helping out our elderly relatives, and contributing to our church or other affinity groups. We are all leaders, it’s just time to take a stand. And all leaders take risks, it’s the only way to push the envelope. Follow these top 6 ways to use fear as a tool for growth: Meditate on your life, relationships, health, finances and career. Your intuition or inner voice will serve as a tool for you. If you listen, you’ll receive messages that will hint at your next action. It’s time to heed that voice more often. Commit to moving toward that voice. Once you’ve identified your inner voice and you hear those next steps, you must commit to taking action regardless of what you’re going to think next. There is a purity to your intuition that sometimes gets lost after we deliberate about those thoughts. Many times we convince ourselves not to act. Avoid that. Trust the process. Many of us look to control the outcome of situations, when the reality is that the only thing we can really control is our response. It’s time to surrender and let the process of life happen. Act - If we don’t take action, we will never grow. Many of us remain gripped or paralyzed by fear. It halts us in our tracks and ruins our amazing life that is out there waiting for us! Reflect on the experience. After you’ve gone through the exercise of listening, committing, trusting and acting on your intuition, you will build the confidence to do it again and again. This process becomes easier and easier. Soon you will understand that when you hear that inner voice, it is your job to move toward it and breakthrough! Repeat steps 1-5. If we muster the guts to act in the face of fear once a month, each time with feel equally as difficult. This is like exercise, the more you do it, the more you begin to love it, the more it changes your life for the better! I’m happy to help coach you along the way @teddymcdonald
WELLNESS
DO WHAT YOU
LOVE BY DIANA NICHOLSON
I work inside the “Malibu Health Club”, for the past fifteen years watching people come and go. Throughout this time I notice one common thread amongst the most consistent of them. They all have something they “love to do”, but in order to do things we love, most often it requires we stay in shape physically, mentally and emotionally. I work with an 82 year old client, despite his back injuries, as well as a 20 year old with a neck injury from a car accident who both want to stay strong in order to continue riding and or competing with their horses. Malibu Local Dr. Harris works out so he can continue surfing. Then there is the 50 year old client who’s rehabing a knee injury in order to summit Mount Everest next year. The iconic 89 year old Dick Van Dyke, Malibu Health Club member (in impeccable shape) loves to perform and will be appearing in a “Tribute to Broadway” at the Malibu Playhouse www.malibuplayhouse.org on Saturday, November 14 at 8pm! It’s hard to predict how aging will effect any one of us. For instance, it doesn’t take much for someone’s activity to become very limited. A significant injury or any kind of physical ailment can start a cascade of consequences. If someone is experiencing a lot of pain, they’re less and less interested in participating in the activities they “love”, fitness and balance programs can turn that around! In addition, a fit fifty-something still in the thick of a career, a family life and full social calender might not see that along with chronological aging, losing friends and sense of purpose are also hazards of growing older. So having a consistent workout ethic can be good health insurance as well as an anchor! Join us at the MALIBU HEALTH CLUB! Don’t let anything deter you from “DOING WHAT YOU LOVE” ! malibubeachpilates.com @malibubeachpilates
Pilates instructor Diana Nicholson trained under Master Teacher, Marie Jose Blom Lawrence at “Long Beach Dance and Conditioning” She is a certified “Health Coach” from “The Institute for Integrative Nutrition” and a graduate of the California Healing Arts College”, as well as Yoga Certified through UnityOneYoga. PHOTOS BY ROXANNE MCCANN
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BEAUTY
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ORGANICS
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FINANCIAL A HISTORICAL LOOK BACK AT THE
STOCK MARKET
BY KANDACE MURPHY
AND WHERE WE ARE TODAY
The so called, “Wall Street Crash” and also known as, “Black Tuesday”, for those who didn’t know, occurred and began on, October 24, 1929. This was the beginning of the Ten Year GREAT DEPRESSION. To bring us quickly to current times; many woke up on the east coast to devastating DOW reports on August 25, 2015. I happened to be on the east coast that day for a funeral. My Grandma must have known; God rest her soul. The DOW was down an unprecedented 1000-point decline. By the time the West Coasters were awakening, the DOW was down approximating 600 points. As we all know, throughout the day, the stocks rallied, then declined again, all out of excitement with China’s economic slowdown. Not to mention, China owns $1.261 trillion worth of US government securities. Yep, we’re in a lot of debt to China, and they’re in trouble. Let’s not forget about the 1.2269 trillion to Japan. As of May 18, 2015, China took over the spot again in carrying the most U.S. debt. China is the largest exporter of goods in the world. As you know, we’ve lost many US companies to China, and now those companies aren’t coming back here…they’re going to Mexico. Yes, Mexico. Do you find something wrong with this picture? We need to make some big changes, because what we’re doing now, isn’t working. As of today, 71% of Americans are Dissatisfied with the direction our country is headed. What’s an obvious for the market today, compared to 1929, they clearly didn’t have the “FUN FEDS” executing “Quantitative Easement.” Most of us believe this created a fabricated market, or, another bubble. The easing back, from the “Quantitative Easement” began at the end of 2014….thus we have our 2015 market, and China in trouble. Many investors are now stagnant. Yes, some have made a lot of money from the markets the past few years, and many remained conservative, while burned in the 2011 DOW drop. Less than half of Americans have been investing into the market. I wonder how many will now... While investors watch to see if the FEDS are going to raise Interest rates; any time they signal towards a yes, the DOW drops significantly, until the week of 9-152015, we saw a few unusual things. Investors weren’t reacting as panicked as before, prior to a FED meeting. Maybe they felt the markets were prepared to endure the increase. On September 17, 2015, the FEDS chose not to increase rates, due to global instability. They made the right choice. Their time to raise them, if at all, was in 2010, and let the market correct itself, instead of creating a fabricated one. Many believe the market still hasn’t corrected itself from the fabrication. As we sit now, in the beginning of FALL, the psychological impact of the DOW dropping just fell below 16k. The correction continues… Enjoy the lower rates while you can. The FEDS are still indicating a hike will happen by year end. Go out and complete your refinance, buy investment property, or buy a new home to live in! Even when the FEDS increase rates, it’s likely to only be a .25%, and will not create chaos, but indicate we are moving towards an improving market. One we all wish to have again! This will increase your return on your savings accounts, CD’s, ect. Not all bad! Kandace P. Murphy NMLS #352659 Priority Financial Network Malibu, CA 90265 Kandace@priorityfinancial.net
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COLUMN
MAN ABOUT TOWN:
THE
BY MARLON YOUNG
LAST DINOSAUR An Everyman’s Guide To The New Woman
Continued from Issue 18… Now, I know that some of you got what you call “lucky.” You latched onto a girl who can’t wait to be barefoot and pregnant when you come home to a hot meal from a long day at the Tonka truck factory. Can’t wait to wash your dirty underwear and tell you how much of a great provider you are. Can’t wait for a problem to come up and you to swoop in with your pearl-handled sword, chop the problem in half, tell her everything is fine so she can “swoon” and happily birth another child from your macho sperm because “Baby, you’re the greatest!” Good for you, you lucky bastard. I’ll tell you a secret, Mister Wonderful. The rest of us, the most of us, don’t want to have anything to do with you, just so you know. Don’t brag to us about it. Don’t stop by the bar where we’re all having a drink. Don’t come to our Super Bowl parties. Because we’ll be, at some point, bathing ourselves in the enormous vat of emasculation and confusion that is our relationships and we don’t want your happy ass around fucking it up! The rest of us can relate to each other and you, well, you’re an alien. You are from Mars. Unfortunately, so are we but we either don’t know it or refuse to accept it. Either way, go home to your happiness and let us remain confused for the time being. When we figure out how to be as happy as you, we’ll call you. I feel better. Do you? Good. So, here is why I went on that rant just now. I think I may have a solution. Not an absolute one but one that’s workable enough that we can get our testicles back. Well, get back that portion of our testicles that we really needed in the first place and, at the same time, get to a place where we can start to wrap our heads around what type of men today’s women are trying to tell us they need us to be for them. The type of men that we should WANT to be for them,. That we should want to be for our sons. And that we should want to be for ourselves. So, without any further ado, let’s turn the page. THE SOLUTION Okay, like I said in the beginning, I don’t think there is an immediate answer. I know that’s what you want. Of course it is. It’s what we want with all of our problems. This is no different. Unfortunately, there isn’t one. Relationships are complicated. All relationships. Your friends, your kids, your boss. They’re all people. People who have their own minds. Their own way of relating to others. Their own problems. It seems daunting and insurmountable when you think about it. With all that stuff going on for both men and women, how in hell do we share a space and not kill each other? We still need relationships. Still want a family. Still want to go to church, library, grocery store, bar, or wherever and meet the girl of your dreams, right? Still want to get laid and you gotta talk to make that happen. That is, unless you’re Denzel Washington or George Clooney and then you don’t have to say anything. So, what do the rest of us do? What do we do to get along, to keep it going while we’re waiting for the new rules to be made? Then, after they’re made, they have to settle in. Everyone’s gonna have to adjust to them. We’ll all gonna have to “get on the same page” and all of that’s gonna take some time. A couple of generations at least. Just to get our hands sort of wrapped around it. So what do we do in the meantime? This isn’t a definitive thing, but I’m going to take a shot at what I think will help ease our transition from the “old rules woman” to the “new rules woman.” So, pay attention and take out your highlighter. Class is in session. Women are emotional beings. This is not news to anybody. Emotions are what drive them. It’s how their decision-making process works. This isn’t me making this stuff up. Ask Dr. John Gray. Read “Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus.” Watch Oprah. Ask a woman, for chrissake. They wear green because they feel green. Purple because they feel purple. Why? What, you think I know? I don’t have a clue and neither does any other man. That’s just how it is, how it’s always been, and how it’s always gonna be. Know it. Accept it. Be done trying to figure it out. Men, we have to fix stuff. Problem equals find a solution. End of problem. Simple, right? Yes. Yes, it is. As long as you’re alone or talking to another man. However, if you want to be in a relationship with a woman, it’s useless. Why? I just told you. Women aren’t black and white like that. What? You don’t believe me? You want an example? Of course you do. EXAMPLE 1 Here’s one I bet has happened to almost all of you. Your woman comes home from work. You’re watching the game on your flat screen. It’s Friday evening. WOMAN I cannot believe Pete did this to me again! YOU Who is Pete? You alternate your attention between her and the game. WOMAN The lead attorney. My boss. YOU Oh, right. Right, right. What happened now? HER Same thing as always. He waits until the last minute then hands care of those before you leave?” with that stupid smirk on his face.
me a stack of documents and goes, “Can you take
YOU I told you that you need to quit that job. Why don’t you just take that job across town? I bet it’s less of a headache. HER Yeah. You’re probably right. Who’s winning? YOU Knicks are up by three. HER Ok. I’m going to go change. YOU Ok. An easy enough exchange, right? Right. Fifteen minutes later she comes back out of the bedroom, goes to the kitchen, and starts dinner. She always cooks so it’s no big deal. She’s in a bad mood, though. For the rest of the night and throughout the weekend. You ask her what’s wrong a few times and she says nothing but you know there’s something wrong. Right? Fucking Pete! Right? Wrong! Fucking you! “Me?” Yes, you. “What the hell did I do?” I’ll tell you. First of all, you didn’t give her your undivided attention when she walked into the room. You split your attention between her and the stupid game. What’s more important? “Her”, you say. “I was paying attention to everything she said”, you say. Uh huh.
Photos by Denise Malone Marlon Young is an actor, screenwriter, and author of the most succinct, easy-to-digest book that addresses the fundamental problems in relationships to come along in a while. www.thelastdinosauraudiobook.com
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