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COOKING {Tastum orsumus}
"ONE OF THE VERY NICEST THINGS ABOUT LIFE IS THE WAY WE MUST STOP WHATEVER IT IS WE'RE DOING AND DEVOTE OUR ATTENTION TO EATING." LUCIANO PAVAROTTI (FAT SINGER)
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MAN UP, PICK THE PAN UP.
At 3 you were into mud pies and at 13, lighting gas taps in the science lab; now it’s time to start cooking. Let’s face it. A lot of us think that cooking can be a little effeminate, and stepping off the BBQ can be tantamount to starting a book club and spritzing the house with patchouli oil…bullshit! The potential to impress your friends and family, turn on a woman, and save $ by learning to cook is ridiculous and makes it mind-numbingly easy to commit to becoming extraordinary at it. At the end of the chapter, there are a few killer recipes for every occasion from some friends of mine who know what they’re doing. But before you start cooking, start work on the kitchen – you know, the room with an oven, sink and fridge. You don’t want it looking like a health hazard – that’s enough to send any chick screaming – but the last thing you want is to go overboard and make it so bloody clean you end up looking like a whackjob who irons his underwear. But, come on, mate, at least chuck the take-away containers, plastic forks and empty beer cans into the recycling bin.
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TOOL UP
STOCK UP
KITCHEN BASICS EVERY FELLA NEEDS THE BASIC CHEF: STAINLESS STEEL SAUCEPAN WITH LID, ABOUT 2 LITRES – Big enough to cook three rats, but too small for a cat/ enough to get half a dozen eggs in. STAINLESS STEEL OR ENAMELLED CAST IRON CASSEROLE DISH, ABOUT 2.5 LITRES – Use on the stove and oven.
CORKSCREW – Nothing says desperation more than stabbing a bottle of red open with the end of a spoon. CAN OPENER – To open dog food for Chum workout in the Fitness chapter. PEPPER and SALT GRINDERS – Use something better than table salt.
FRYING PAN – Bert Newton’s forehead sized frying pan (about 25cm across).
STEAMER – I like electric ones with timers, but bamboo’s good too.
SOME WOODEN SPOONS – Get a few different sizes.
MEASURING JUGS (HA HA, JUGS!) – And cups and spoons (or just use normal old cups and spoons).
A COUPLE OF SHARP KNIVES – If you can machete through your neighbours’ overhanging garden, they pass the sharp test. KITCHEN SCISSORS – You’ll probably never use them in the kitchen. A FOUR-SIDED GRATER – One side is for cheese, the only side you’ll use. BOWL – A decent sized ceramic or glass one doubles as a salad bowl. CUTTING BOARDS – Glass is meant to be best but I love wooden ones. They say they make you sick, I say man up and build a stomach of steel.
OVEN PANS – Get a deep roasting dish and shallow baking dish; good for when cake eaters visit too. COLANDER – Washing lettuce is important, plus you can strain pasta, or wear it on your head in magpie season. LADLE – Pouring soup or decanting with a tablespoon are unimpressive. TONGS – Get a short and a long pair. RICE COOKER – No brainer, go electric. If you can’t operate it, kill yourself immediately. APRON – Buy the one with fake boobs if you must, but you will die alone.
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YOUR KITCHEN CUPBOARD ALL STARS
THE MASTER CHEF:
NO KITCHEN SHOULD BE WITHOUT:
MORTAR AND PESTLE – Pretentious stone bowl and dildo-looking set for crushing spices but mainly to sit on your kitchen bench and make you look more competent than you are.
RICE – Basmati is a good all-rounder, or, if you’re the patient type and don’t mind stirring a pot for 20 minutes, ARBORIO for risotto.
PASTA MAKER – It takes an hour to make the stuff before you cook it but will impress any man, woman or animal you cook it for. FOOD PROCESSOR – You can make your own protein bars and balls, and the easiest thing in the world, homemade soup. ELECTRIC BEATERS AND CAKE TINS – Good if you’re a cake eater, but that won’t get you ahead. Turn to the Fitness chapter. KITCHEN SCALES – The digital variety is best. Great for weighing small animals, genitals and money on as well as food.
DRIED PASTA – Italian, made of durum wheat. OLIVE OIL – Good for cooking, and for salads. BALSAMIC VINEGAR – For salads, and a little spoonful and fresh basil in a tin of tomatoes makes a quick pasta sauce. SALT – Sea salt rather than table salt. PEPPERCORNS – Freshly ground tastes heaps better than ready ground. CANNED TOMATOES – The basis for hundreds of pasta sauces. CANNED TUNA – For salads and pasta.
Also, apart from MILK, you should always have PARMESAN (for pasta and risotto), POTATOES (for man roasts), ONIONS and LEMONS (good on salads and fish) in the fridge and, if you’re into them, ANCHOVIES and CAPERS (when softened for a few minutes in OLIVE OIL on your STOVE, they turn a tin of TOMATOES into an authentic pasta sauce – too easy). And a few MIXERS to have with the ALCOHOL. Plus tea and coffee to sip on when your T-totalling buddies drop by. And grow some FRESH herbs like basil and parsley (great to chuck in salads and pasta sauces, or over fish). Have a pot of cherry tomatoes growing on your windowsill as well – freshly picked vegies taste awesome (and cost nothing). Keep some MOZZARELLA and pizza bases in the freezer.
ALCOHOL – I’ll leave this up to you. CHIPS – Or nuts, to have with drinks when your mates turn up.
COFFEE MAKER – Either one that goes on top of the stove, or an electric one. The cartridge ones are so easy...but the coffee at your nearby café still tastes better, plus you’ll be supporting a local business and getting to know your neighbours.
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HUNTER GATHERER ''SHOPPING TIPS? WHAT AM I, AN IDIOT? '' BUY FRESH. BUY LOCAL. Buy from the little fellas, and from the carnie/farmers’ market, which is probably setting up on the oval up the top of your street this weekend. Talk to the people who’ve grown or made the produce – they’ll be able to tell you stuff you’d never find out in those trolley rinks. You’ve seen the TV reports on how the big supermarkets treat farmers and other suppliers; but if you feel OK about that, stock up. There are nice little marketing campaigns about caring for all of us, but when one is the biggest owner of poker machines in the country, you have to wonder how deep such community concern really runs.
WHAT’S CLEANER – YOUR KITCHEN OR YOUR DUNNY?
SUPPORT THE LITTLE FELLA Buy from a local greengrocer (yes, they are likely to be Euro with a history of drug dealing…still a better bet than the big supermarkets). You’ll be lucky if there’s still a butcher handy – most have been knocked out of business by the supermarkets. Knowing your locals gives you a sense of
Your kitchen is the filthiest room in the house, according to some microbiologist. Yes, apparently he reckons you’d be safer licking your toilet seat than your chopping board (where does this weirdo get off?). In fact, he reckons there are 200 times more faecal (gross!) bacteria on your chopping board than your dunny seat. No need to get the penicillin and flame gun out though – washing up liquid and hot water does the job. MAN {
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community, and it’s always impressive when someone knows your name and says “Just the usual?” And if something isn’t right on occasion, they’ll fix it. They also won’t make you scan your own groceries as though you don’t mind working as their check-out chick…for free.
COMMUNITY GARDENS If you don’t have a backyard, start digging in one of the local community gardens, parks or nature strips, which until recently have been wasted spaces. You’ll end up with free fruit, vegetables and herbs that taste better than anything you buy, plus you’ll get exercise, meet your neighbours and turn into a gardening guru.
EAT SEASONALLY We don’t need to eat everything all year round. Only eat what can be grown locally, naturally – it tastes better if it hasn’t been kept in cold storage for months, gassed or flown halfway around the world.
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BASKET CASE SUPERMARKET TRICKS TO MAKE YOU SPEND NO FLY ZONE
were strategically placed there by smug marketing types to make you spend more. Sucker. If that’s not annoying enough, now you’re gonna need to burn that off (see the Fitness chapter).
Got your loyalty card from one of the big two? You’re not alone, mate. It’s a sneaky way of buying your custom, because you know that the more you spend at that particular supermarket group, you’re going to be rewarded with something for nothing. But you’d better start spending up big right away, because you’ll need to spend 25 million bucks to get an economy one-way flight to Dubbo. While you’re using the card, the supermarket keeps a record of what you’re spending your hardearned $$ on. Weird.
OLD CRAP IS AT THE FRONT Products at the back of shelves are fresher than the stuff at the front. Manufacturers pay for certain spots on shelves – eye height is the most expensive.
MARKDOWNS These are generally things that wouldn’t sell...for the same reason that the purple silk magician’s shirt wouldn’t move at the clothes store. Don’t be dazzled by 50% off.
WALK ON BY
GET IN, GET OUT
Supermarkets are designed to make you walk past everything in the hope you’ll grab more. That’s why basics like milk are often at the back of the store. They also reorganise everything pretty regularly.
Make it quick and take a list – so you don’t end up with organic turnips you won’t eat.
ALSO...
IMPULSE BUYS Ever bought choccies while you’re standing in line at the till? Congratulations – you’re one of the mugs who’s just made what’s known as an impulse buy. All those low priced, tempting goodies
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• Don’t shop when you’re hungry. • Buy in bulk when it makes sense (milk doesn’t work). • If you can be bothered, plan a weekly menu (well, five nights anyway, so you have two to go grab a feed out or have dinner at a mate’s place).
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Guts Eyes
KNOW YOUR CUT
No, mate, meat wasn’t made on a polystyrene tray, and mixed with carbon monoxide and other gases to make it look nice and red and juicy, and keep fresh longer. It comes from real live animals, some looked after better than others. Get to know your local butcher, if he still exists, and he’ll tell you what to do with what bits.
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Penis
Beak Hoof
Old car tyres
Dust Misc.
THE SAUSAGE
Misc.
Best read the label (if they have one) for percentage of fat in these bad boys, but generally speaking they are the ibis of the meat world, the bottom feeder, the offcuts of offcuts, all ground up so no-one knows what they are or where they come from. Add some generic flavouring and bang…a nice tube of meat filler.
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BREAKFAST
SERVES 2 HUNGRY HUMANS
EASY PEASY EGGS BENI - BY MASSIMO MELE INGREDIENTS: 4 eggs, poached 2 English muffins, split (or place mug on any thick bread and cut around outside for homemade muffin) 15g butter, softened Salt and freshly ground black pepper, to season 4 thick slices leg ham KEEP THE WHITES FOR SMOOTHIES, HOLLANDAISE OR MACARONS 125g butter, chopped IF YOU'RE A WANKER 3 egg yolks
1/2 big spoon white wine vinegar Salt and white pepper, to season 1 little spoon finely chopped fresh (BORROWED tarragon
FROM COMMUNITY GARDEN)
This simple dish by the brilliant Massimo Mele, Hugo’s executive chef, shows someone you care about them, and makes you look impressive in the kitchen.
POACHED EGGS
. GOLD!!!! CHEAT'S POACHED EGG
Basically you lie some loose cling wrap over a cup and crack the egg into it. Then gather up the edges of the cling wrap so the egg is cradled in it. Now bring the edges of the cling wrap together so it’s tight, airfree and watertight. Drop into simmering water for 4 and a half minutes or until the white is firm and the yolk is still gooey.
CHEAT’S HOLLANDAISE SAUCE
Melt butter in a small saucepan over a medium heat. Bring to the boil, then remove from heat and transfer to a heatproof jug. Put egg yolks and white wine vinegar in a food processor and process until smooth. With motor running, gradually add hot butter, in a slow and steady stream, until sauce thickens. Transfer to a heatproof jug, stir in tarragon and season with salt and white pepper to taste. Set aside to cool slightly for 5 minutes.
LAST BIT
Toast man muffins until golden. Spread a little butter on inside of each muffin half. Top each with a slice of ham and a poached egg. Spoon hollandaise sauce over each muffin half and season with salt and freshly ground black pepper to serve. Yum.
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LUNCH ANGEL HAIR PASTA WITH TUNA, CHILLI, ROCKET AND CAPERS BY MM INGREDIENTS: 125ml (1/2 cup) extra virgin olive oil FROM 2 big spoons chilli oil N E STOL 'S NEIGHBOUR 1 garlic clove, minced E E R T 125ml (1/2 cup) lemon juice Salt and freshly ground black pepper 500g angel hair pasta 400g tuna loin, cut into 5cm pieces and sliced 5mm thick 2 long red chillies, seeds removed and thinly sliced 3 big spoons salted baby capers, rinsed and drained 3 big spoons very finely grated parmesan 100g (2 large handfuls) rocket Lemon wedges, to serve
You may have seen Massimo Mele on Ready Steady Cook. He’s not giving this secret away on TV though − any idiot could throw it together in a few minutes, it’s super healthy, tastes and looks awesome. Thanks, Massimo.
METHOD:
To make the dressing, whisk together the olive oil, chilli oil, garlic and lemon juice and season with salt and freshly ground black pepper. Set aside.
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FIS ( AT LOCAL
Cook the pasta in a large saucepan of boiling salted water until al dente (while it’s still got a bit of bite to it). Drain. Meanwhile, place the tuna, chilli, capers, parmesan and rocket in a bowl ready for the cooked pasta to be tossed through. Once the pasta is ready, toss it in with the tuna salad mixture and pour over the dressing. Gently mix the pasta until combined. Serve immediately with the lemon wedges.
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OUR - EVEN Y SERVES 4 UNTING FRIENDS CO CALORIE MAN {
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DINNER
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SERVES 4
SED VEG ROAST CHICKEN WITH CARAMELI INGREDIENTS: 1 bulb garlic, skin left on, separated into cloves 3 big spoons good quality chilli oil Sea salt, to season 1 large red onion, cut into quarters 600g root vegetables of your choice, peeled, cut into 5 cm chunks 1 sprig each of thyme, rosemary, parsley, sage, leaves only (rub against grain and they fall off) 1 size 16 organic, free-range chicken* GET * PEOPLE THOSE H IT W Y E G JUD HENS... BATTERY RAGE E V A E ALSO TAST
French chef legend David Bitton stole this recipe from his wife. You can use any type of root vegetables such as carrots, parsnips, potatoes, baby beetroots or swedes − caramelised and coupled with an epic chicken...this is a show-stopper...
METHOD:
Preheat oven to 200°C. Rinse the chicken under cold water, pat dry with paper towels. Place all the garlic cloves into the cavity of the chicken. Rub 2 big spoons of chilli oil over the skin of the chicken. Season well with sea salt. Place a large deep non-stick roasting dish over a medium to high heat. Add 1 big spoon of chilli oil, heat until just smoking. Add the chicken, seal well on all sides for approximately 40 minutes, turning it over every 5 minutes or so until it’s slightly golden on all sides. Remove the chicken, then add the onion, vegetables and herbs to the baking dish. Place the chicken, breast side up, on top of the vegetables. Cook for a further 35 to 40 minutes until the skin is crisp and the chicken is cooked. You can test the ‘doneness’ by piercing a skewer or knife into the thigh. If the juices run clear, the chicken is DONE! Remove the chicken, carve and serve, along with the vegetables and onion. THE OVEN OR JUST CHUCK IT ALL IN
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POSH BEER SNACKS BBQ PRAWNS WITH CHILLI & OREGANO BY MM SERVES 4 MEN, 8 WOMEN OR 16 CHILDREN INGREDIENTS: 1 big spoon dried oregano FOUND A 1 big spoon dried chilli flakes BAG IN M 1 big spoon chopped fresh Y FLATMAT oregano leaves E'S DRAWER 1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil Sea salt & cracked black pepper 16 king prawns butterflied from DON’T USE underneath
METHOD Fire up the BBQ before you start. Mix the olive oil with the oreganos, chilli, salt and pepper, and brush over the flesh of the butterflied prawns (means sliced almost all the way through from underneath and flattened out). Place the prawns shell side down on the BBQ and cook for 3 minutes, then turn over and cook for a further 30 seconds. Call the boys in. Take prawns off the hot plate and brush more of the dressing over the flesh & serve.
NS BAIT PRAW
KANGAROO cIGARS WITH YOGHURT SAUCE INGREDIENTS: CHECK LO CAL 200g thick Greek yoghurt BUSH FOR 1/2 big spoon rivermint THESE 1/2 continental cucumber, grated 1 big spoon olive oil 1 small brown onion 2 little spoons ground cumin 1 little spoon ground coriander 1/2 little spoon allspice 1/4 little spoon ground cinnamon 1 big spoon sea parsley 300g kangaroo mince Juice and grated rind of 1 large lemon 2 big spoons pine nuts, toasted 1/2 cup fresh mint leaves, chopped Olive oil cooking spray 10 sheets filo pastry 1 egg, slightly beaten
SERVES 5 I grew up eating witchety grubs with my uncle. Mark Olive is the best native Oz chef in the country and this recipe dominates!! METHOD: Heat oil in a frying pan and cook up the onion until soft. Add cumin, coriander, allspice, cinnamon and sea parsley and cook for another minute until it smells good. Throw in mince and brown it up. Stir in lemon juice and lemon rind and let it bubble lightly for 2 minutes. Once mixture is cool, stir in pine nuts and half the fresh mint. Preheat oven to 200°C and line some baking trays with baking paper. Place a sheet of filo pastry onto a flat surface. Blast with olive oil and fold in half (bringing the shorter edges together). Cut in half . Spoon 1 big spoon of the meat mixture onto each piece of filo, making sure you leave 2cm border on each side. Fold in the sides and roll into a cigar shape to envelop the mixture. Al Pacino test it. Put on trays. Repeat with remaining ingredients, then brush with egg wash, milk or oil before baking in the oven for 15 minutes, until golden. Tell the boys snacks are one beer away. Mix yoghurt with the remaining fresh mint, rivermint and grated cucumber (if using), adding salt and pepper to taste. To serve, place filo pastries on a plate with salad and the yoghurt sauce. For added garnish, sprinkle ground Kutjera. (Aboriginal for awesome and for desert raisin). MORE INFO ATWWW.BLACKOLIVE.NET.AU MAN {
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