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home {Fixum domestica}
"A house is not a home unless it contains food and fire for the mind as well as the body." benjamin franklin (some old american dude who achieved heaps!)
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Dude! Where’s my mum?
You’ve moved out. Now what? Who’s gonna pick up after you now you’re on your own? A lot of dudes move out and try to live as a bachelor and their shit falls apart. They end up looking for a woman to fill the place of their mum – however this rarely lands you a woman or, if it does, it’s a woman who wants to be your mother, shares the traits of your mother, or is as old as your mother. Three different shades of creepy. A messy nine year old is funny, 16 year old is expected, but being a pig in your 20s and beyond is not. Life’s a lot easier when you have your shit together, knowing you live in a place that’s clean and organised, and that you’re responsible for. I grew up in a really messy home, so sometimes I default to being a messy prick. My dad was a hoarder and I remember one year the tarpaulin blew off a small car that doubled as a cupboard, filled to the roof with tools and armoury shells, like a jellybean guessing competition in a shopping mall. My friends greeted it with amazement and, looking back it was pretty funny. But our home is such a reflection of who we are, so I’d rather live in one that is slightly more organised.
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GETTING ORGANISED AT HOME *
Professional organisers can range from $30/hour to $100+/hour or you can do it yourself. It takes about three weeks to get into the habit of tidying up and putting things where they should be, but this investment will save you a lifetime of searching for whatever it is you’ve lost. First, clear out all your crap. If you haven’t used it for six months or more, why have you still got it? (In the case of your fridge, if it’s been there for six months or more, you’ll need a gun to shoot it.) As you pick up each thing, ask yourself, “What’s the worst thing that could happen if I threw this out?” The answer’s usually pretty boring. With what’s left, find a place for everything, and keep it in its place. Create categories, filing systems and other aids from organiser trays to containers to help with that. You may need a well-organised friend to give you a hand – I threw an OCD friend of a friend a slab of beer and they helped alphabetise everything.
cracking old T-shirt that had a 100% strike rate with the ladies – but think about it, that was more than seven years ago. Send it to the charity bin. Pack away at least half of what you use the least (i.e. boardies in winter etc). Get some decent coat hangers to separate things in your cupboard. If you can break into a car with it, it isn’t great for your clothes. Store stuff in tubs under your bed.
From an informal survey, I discovered the things that are guaranteed to turn a girl right off. Unless you clean up your act, mate, she won’t be back.
STAINed SHEETS
Change your bed linen weekly. More if it’s been a busy week – memories shouldn’t be something you look at on your sheets. Use a stain-remover stick if needs be.
grot mags
NOW THAT EVERYTHING’S IN ORDER
You use about 20% of your wardrobe 80% of the time. Get it all out – you might find a
Spend 10 minutes a day – no excuses – cleaning and/or tidying, chucking out stuff from the fridge or whatever else needs doing. That way you’ll never need to spend whole days on the weekend doing boring bloody housework. Believe me – it sounds like a pyramid scheme, but it really works. Think of cleaning, washing or ironing, cleaning windows or mopping the floor as a light workout session. To make the most of a brainless task, listen to an audiobook to beef your brain up at the same time. If all this is making you feel ill, hire a cleaner. If your flatmate refuses to read this section and likes living in a pigsty, hire a cleaner. Or get a new flatmate.
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You and I know you read them for the articles but it can give the vibe of only ever wanting one thing…which can work against ever getting that one thing. Those photoshopped hotties will probably be the only skin you see if you leave them lying around when you bring your date home.
* AKA: get your shit together!
COME OUT OF THE CLOSET
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biggest turn-offs
FORENSIC
A picture of you and the ex is not sending the right message. If you need it around, you’re not ready for another woman in your life. Man up. If you’re inclined to enjoy the full breadth of your male singledom, beware. Females mark their territory in
ways us males cannot easily detect…traces of hair, the “forgotten” jacket or underwear are things the less committed man needs to be on clean up duty for.
pubey SOAP
Totally gross – for your flatmate’s and everyone else’s sake, check the soap before you get out of the shower.
OVERFLOWING!
Empty pizza boxes used as ashtrays. Stale cigarette smell is a turn-off for most girls; mix it up with last week’s four seasons with extra salami and she’ll be spewing. Garbage bins are for garbage – use them…regularly.
dirty plates
Same thing – when you’ve flushed, check to make sure you haven’t left DNA evidence behind. If so, get busy with the toilet brush.
If you can’t be bothered to make the place decent, move back in with mum and dad, or find a girl you can be bothered climbing the food chain for. You don’t want her to think you expect her to scrub away at the leftover cereal stuck like superglue to the bottom of the bowls.
SMELLY TOWELS
COCKROACHES
SKID MARKS
A girl I know visited a guy’s flat and nearly threw up in the bathroom – the towel was such a stinking, seedy mess it should have had a funeral. That was beyond heavy-duty detergent – even a nuclear weapon wouldn’t have sorted it out. Hang your towels out daily if you can, but wash them at least once a week, you scumbag.
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See previous item. Cockroaches will check out your crusty Weet-Bix bowls and think all their Christmases have come at once, if they’re religious. Do as much as you can to make sure you’re cleaner than the old bloke next door so they go to his place. Turn off appliances you’re not using – those buggers like warm spots.
fix up how to be a hero at home Busted TOILET SEAT
LEAKING TAP
Some smart arse tried and failed reverse kanga and split the seat or some animal fell asleep drunk with a cigarette and burnt straight through it. In any case, you need the most basic renovation in history. Unscrew your dunny seat by the wing nuts underneath, and head for a hardware store – or order online. They should all come with nuts and fittings, so throw out all the old gear. And you’re done!
Nothing says you’re a pathetic manchild like a leaking tap that everyone notices you’re too weak, scared or stupid to fix.
RUNNING TOILET They sound horrendous, waste water and leave a gaping stain that people who don’t know you will question...
Here’s a simple 3-step PLAN to fix the dribbling dunny 1. When you’ve bought a new float valve, turn off the water at the wall, unplug hose and flush (which will drain the tank). 2. Undo the lock nut at the base, which holds the float valve in place (it’s what the hose is plugged into). 3. Match old/new float valves to the same length (unscrew the base until right length). Match both floats to the same height by turning the adjustment screw on the side of the float. Put new float valve in.
Here’s how to avoid that: 1. When you’ve bought some new washers (small for inside and big for outside), turn off your water mains at the front of your property. If you’re a prick, turn your neighbours’ off too. Also turn off hot water on hot water system if replacing hot tap. 2. Turn the tap on and clear your pipes, so to speak. Leave on. 3. Undo the screw fitting on top of the tap, and take the base off as well. 4. Undo the spindle with a monkey wrench or spanner (see Instant Manpower!, opposite page). 5. Remove spindle, see washer and replace. 6. Check the seat (what that cheeky washer sits on) is smooth and clean. If not, get a reseating tool. 7. Replace in reverse order and smile smugly knowing you’re a man. A tapwasher-replacing man.
BLOCKED SINK Short of pouring chemicals down the sink and living with that sickening feeling you
screw
cistern
handle
flange (he-he!) float valve spindle
* Auger
just killed a family of fairy penguins and a half a pod of bottle nose... 1. If a plunger has failed you, buy a drain auger. This is the best way to fix the sink. Get a fake moustache like someone out of a 1972 porno movie (this is more fun if you don’t live alone). 2. Get a monkey wrench and a bucket. Place bucket under the U-bend beneath your sink. 3. Remove the two nuts on U-bend or trap, and remove U-bend. Clean out the U-bend and above and below pipes with auger and sink brush – you’ll find fur balls, small animals or jokes friends have snuck down your drain. Once you’ve replaced the U-bend, bang...you’re up and running again! Pour hot water down the drain after to make sure line is clear.
seating tool g
in 'o' r
WASHER
FAULTY LIGHT SWITCH These are the sorts of things you want to go buy a slab of beer and call a sparky friend to sort out. The first rule of staying alive – don’t touch anything involving electrical wiring.
FIX FUSE Nothing says I’m a man like all the lights dying and you having to get fuse wire from the cupboard and head out the back. Maybe there’s a serial killer whose arse you have to kick before you reconnect the power, or the fuse has burnt out, but more than likely your dwelling has a switch cutout system which means you take the glory and flick the switch and tell your missus that the hairdryer, curling wand and iron can’t all be used at the same time.
instant manpower!
no tools? take this list to A HARDWARE SHOP. now. Dear Mr Bunnings, Please arm me with the following… Screwdrivers (flat & Phillips head ones) • Electric drill • Tape measure • Spanner set • Allen keys (for anything from IKEA) • Pliers • Monkey wrench • Claw hammer
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bed head state of your
state of your
*
a guy who had just got out of prison told me he learnt that there
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HOME TRUTHS beat the crap out of your rental home
1. de-Cream yourself Paint out the ‘rental cream’, a bland and depressing colour, with white, which will instantly make it look bright and clean and nice. If you’re more confident with colour, go for something a bit bolder – it’s up to you. Ask your landlord first.
2. smart arts Hang artwork. If you’re handy with tools, put screws in the wall without asking, and leave time before the lease runs out to patch and paint over any holes. If you’re not allowed to paint, use 3M hooks, which stick to the wall, and take the glass out of your pictures to reduce the weight. Rather than having one big picture, cover a whole wall in small pics. Another way you can go is to put long narrow tables against the
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wall and create still lifes of objects, with paintings leaning against the wall.
3. PArt the Curtains! Take down the awful window coverings – don’t even ask – but put them back up before you leave. Put roman blinds in their place, which you can buy ready made at places like Spotlight. Make the hanging rods yourself, which you can do with anything, such as lengths of bamboo.
4. MUNCH Carpets Pull the crappy carpet up (ask first); floorboards look much better. If the landlord says no (or there are no boards), hide the vomit-camo floor covering as much as possible by layering rugs. It will feel far more pimp.
5. you can handle it If the kitchen’s crappy, change the cupboard handles. Buy nice looking bowls, chopping boards and other things you don’t have to hide away – that way you won’t notice the ugly tiles so much.
6. what’s the hook? If you’ve got a nasty bathroom, put up
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Photo by Chris Court
Are you living somewhere Ivan Milat would feel at home in? Once you’ve cleared out the bodies and evidence, you’re ready to style it up. I’ve had a chat to bestselling author and interiors and colour expert Sibella Court, who’s come up with some cheap and easy ways to turn a povo rental place into somewhere that feels like home and will make chicks think you’re a man of money and style.
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You don't have to cashed up to mak be e an epic home...
old hooks and industrial shelving, which you’ve found at markets or second-hand stores – you’ll probably need a ceramic drill bit to do this. Make a conscious thought to buy products in containers that you don’t mind having on show. I have a rule that if a product isn’t in a colour you’d find in nature, I don’t buy it. Make sure you have nice towels – striped or a plain colour but not white, they’re too hard to keep clean.
7. Lights on, somebody’s home
9. go soft Try to bring some soft shapes into your furniture – don’t have everything big and square. Instead of having one big square coffee table have two smaller, and different, ones.
10. cover up You’ve probably been give a few ugly pieces of furniture – layer them with different fabrics, such as rugs and bedspreads. Get creative.
Change the light fittings – keep the old ones so you can put them back up when you leave. Buy lamps, both standard and table lamps, vintage or new; they’re much more atmospheric than overhead lights. Choose warm, rather than cold, longlasting bulbs.
Photo by Chris Court
8. creature comforts Girls are more likely to make out if you’ve got a comfortable couch – there’s nothing worse than a slippery vinyl lounge. At least have some throws and a few cushions on it.
(lady speak for a cool sheet or man blanket) Man {
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end up paying too much. If you’re too If you make a bid before auction, you may
8. making a bid
When you’ve decided where you want
to live, check out recent property prices
3. Do your homework paperwork. Shop around for a loan. really like because you haven’t done the You don’t want to miss out on a place you Organise a loan before you start looking.
2. see the bank manager millstone around your neck. last thing you want is for the place to be a It’s better not to overextend yourself; the your debts, and be fairly tough on yourself. the money coming in and going out, plus looking for a property to buy. Calculate all Do some serious sums before you start
1. work out your dough
inspection.
You don't want to be sharing your pad with white ants.
Obtain a reputable pest and building
7. inspection time be able to. A mate bought a place for almost nothing because it had a dirty kitchen. Awesome! untidiness, as a lot of other people won’t messiest places; try to see past the Some of the best bargains are in the
6. use your imagination practical things. on the market and some of those other Find out how long the property has been
more tips from real estate guys
buyers
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in the area. This way you’ll be in a better
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Once you’re in, hopefully everything will be fine between you and the landlord. But if they come up with a rent rise you reckon is excessive, tell them you’ll move out. Advertising and agent’s fees may cancel out the rise, and you’ll be able to negotiate.
emotional to bid, get someone else to do it
If you really like the place and reckon you’re going to stick around for more than a few months, try to negotiate a long lease to avoid rent increases. Offer some rent in
10. high finance
position to negotiate.
6. long lease
If you can, have a look at the place a couple of times, at different times of the day and night. The pub next door, quiet during the day, could be pumping at midnight.
for you. Be assertive.
Along with photo ID, bring along personal references from your previous landlord and employers to show reliability. rences for also Get refe e they're not ov pr your pets to psycho either.
4. look around
5. references
9. look twice
9. walk away
Download an application form (one for each tenant) from the agent’s website the day before the inspection. Fill them in and you’re ready to go if you like the place.
If you can’t afford to buy in the
4. apply yourself
If your offer’s not accepted, tell the agent
Ask the agent what the previous rent was and if the owner increases it regularly, and important questions such as if they're intending to sell, and why the last tenant moved out. Hopefull estate agent will y, the real guy who'll be up frbe an honest the serial killer ont about next door.
neighbourhood you really like, have a look
8. sticky beak the owner
Take a tape measure when you go to an inspection; you may want to check that certain things, such as the fridge, will fit.
you’re off, but will reconsider if the seller
3. measure uP
at the next suburb, that’s a bit stabby now
Introduce yourself to the property manager at the inspection, and try to make a really good first impression.
drops the price. You might get lucky.
You'd be an idiot Dress well for the inspection. not to.
but 5 years on will be Trend Central. It can
2. Dress up
make thousands of $$ difference.
7. BE NICE
10. Best time to buy
advance, maybe four weeks instead of two, to secure the property.
Christmas or New Year when buyer
Look for other rental properties nearby to compare prices. Google the address to see if the old rental prices come up.
5. Don’t get Emo
1. Look around
competition is low.
killer tips from real estate guys
Bring a friend or relative with you who has
for renters
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no emotional attachment to the property.
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beat the system
Cargotecture at Cargotecture.com. Photo by Lara Swimmer
If you’re still at home with the folks, have a block of land, like cool architecture, or are sick of that couple who get real pumpy when they stay…check out this shipping container home. With containers between 2-5 grand online, you can do it yourself or get one architecturally designed, prefabricated and delivered. This one, by US firm HyBrid Architecture, is pretty cool and falls under the 60 square metres you need to pop it in a backyard in Australia without needing too many permits or lengthy council approvals for a manny flat. It’s the ultimate recycled material man cave. A few Australian firms can build one to spec, throw it on a train and ship it to your backyard, with a few days to set up...RIDICULOUS!!!
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If your lounge could talk
Me helping some impoverished kids in East Timor - no biggie.
The self-absorbed
You know the type – just happen to leave pics out of their recent charity trip to a struggling nation. They’re always in the foreground, sponsor kids subserviently behind.
What your possessions say about you the wanker
the man child
the pretentious
They only buy named pieces of furniture, make out their expensive items are not a big deal, but leave them front and centre. Just as bad are the wankers who buy copies of the classics.
I stole street signs in my 20s. It was funny. But there comes a point where you have to let them go. The juvenile delinquent guy in his 30s or the cool dad are bloody punishing.
Hipsters and indy try-hards. "What, you’ve never listened to Kraftwerk?" Although on the surface they’re painful, generally they just want to feel important. Play along, then get out of there.
The ocd
suburban hippie
They will alphabetise anything! Best not be late for this personality type. They like order, and sometimes some things are out of control in some part of their life... that’s why they need this intense ordering in others.
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They don’t do yoga, they’re not Buddhist, they eat meat and love a night on the piss. These Eastern art loving types either picked up the trinket in Koh Samui or down the road at the homewares shop.
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