Kimberly Rhyne

ACT I (Scene 1)

(Setting: Queen Freya’s royal chambers. There is a bed, a futon, and two tall wardrobes. The bed is a canopy bed with purple drapes falling over the bedposts. Some clothes are sitting around on the floor, the bed is unmade, and there is a pile of trash in the corner. Queen Freya sits on her bed, while her lady-in-waiting Griselda sits on the futon, kicking around a couple piles of clothes.)

FREYA: Why hasn’t the maid come by in a while? I have far too much running the kingdom to do to pick up my own clothes.

Now You Didn’t Hear This From Me, But W Stands For Women And Witches If You Know What I Mean, Or How the Turns Table

by Kimberly Rhyne

GRISELDA: She’s probably still gathering all the latest gossip. (Kicking a shirt.) But she really should come check on the room. Your fiancé Duke Frankenshire will be stopping by any moment, and there’s still trash in the corner.

FREYA: (Sharply) If Duke Frankenshire is coming, then I’m glad the maid is busy. Maybe if he sees the room like this, he’ll break off the engagement already. I don’t know how to get rid of him.

GRISELDA: (Teasingly) Maybe you can chop off his head! Like you did to Olga Volkolga, God rest her soul.

Dramatis Personae (Act I Scene I): Queen Freya Goosekiller, the misunderstood queen of Rosenstern Griselda Griselda :), Queen Freya’s capricious lady in waiting Ulysses Katydid, Queen Freya’s royal advisor Howard the Guard, captain of the royal guard Vitolino, the court jester Mildly Inconvenienced But Not Super Angry About It Because Like It’s Okay Gus, the treasurer and Queen Freya’s secret lover Grennabien, the chief maid Edmund Sneed, son of Earl Sneed and Veronica’s lover Lady Veronica Tussleweed, lady of the court and Edmund’s lover Robert Frankenshire, Queen Freya’s fiancé FREYA: (Throwing a pillow at Griselda.) Those baseless rumors are driving me crazy! I can’t even walk the hallways of my own castle without someone stumbling over themselves trying to apologize to me for some imaginary offense. Who even told people I cut heads off? That Olga Volkolga was an exception.

GRISELDA: I think it would make you more interesting, Your Majesty. FREYA: Ha, ha. You’re full of silly ideas, Griselda. Now about my fiancé… GRISELDA: (Standing) I just remembered, I really should go check on the cats in the Cat Sanctuary. Oh bother. Those pesky cats, always needing my attention.

FREYA: Don’t just leave! I need advice! GRISELDA: (Hurrying out of the room, in a hurried tone.) Oh gracious me! I really do need to leave the premises right now immediately, good luck with your problems Your Majesty, bye! FREYA: (Throwing another pillow after her.) Get back here! You are the worst lady in waiting ever! (GRISELDA speedwalks out of the room just as GRENNABIEN enters. GRENNABIEN looks curiously after GRISELDA then looks around QUEEN FREYA’S room.) GRENNABIEN: This room is a disaster, Your Majesty! I’m not going to clean all of this by myself! Where did Griselda run off to…?

FREYA: Oh, don’t even bother with the room, Grennabien. Is Duke Frankenshire coming today? GRENNABIEN: (Excitedly, taking a seat on the futon.) Oh, oh, I’m so glad you asked! I’ve been talking with the other staff all day. You know Howard the Guard, right? FREYA: Of course.

GRENNABIEN: Well, he said he saw Duke Frankenshire enter the castle without bowing to the portraits of your mother and father, God rest their souls! And what’s more, Howard says that while he was escorting Duke Frankenshire up to his guest chambers to prepare to meet you, the Duke sneezed without covering his mouth! And what’s more, Vitolino – the court jester, you know him… FREYA: (Exasperatedly) Yes, Grennabien, I know my own jester. GRENNABIEN: Well, he told this hilarious joke about – (Pauses to laugh; through laughter) I-I’m sorry! I’m thinking of it again – it was so good! So funny! Wait, wait… FREYA: Vitolino can tell me this joke himself later. What did the Duke do? GRENNABIEN: (Laughing over the sound of FREYA finishing her last line, holding up a finger.) Hold on – ! (QUEEN FREYA waits impatiently for GRENNABIEN to finish laughing, though at some point she begins to chuckle as well.)

FREYA: The Duke, Grennabien? GRENNABIEN: Right! Right, the Duke...what about the Duke…?

FREYA: The Duke did something offensive to the jester? GRENNABIEN: Right! That Duke! He didn’t laugh! He didn’t even chuckle! Vitolino wasted such a good joke on that good-for-nothing Duke! Howard even chimed in with a joke of his own, and it made all of us attendants laugh for so long! That’s why I was late, you see. I couldn’t clean your room while I was still laughing so hard.

FREYA: Isn’t there anything I can do to make him break off the engagement? I didn’t even choose him. It was that darned advisor who arranged this marriage. “For the good of Rosenstern!” What does he know about running a country, anyway?! GRENNABIEN: (Cheerfully) Nothing! He earned this position through political lobbying. And because he’s the only one who applied.

FREYA: Well, I ought to fire him. Lady Veronica would be a good advisor.

GRENNABIEN: I’m afraid Lady Veronica is out of commission right now. She and Earl Sneed’s son are on another one of their breaks.

FREYA: Of course they are! I keep telling her that Edmund is trouble. His poetry is hard to understand.

GRENNABIEN: I don’t get either of their poems, to be honest with you, Your Majesty. FREYA: What about Gus? I bet he would make a good

GRENNABIEN: Do you mean Avoidant Of Chores Gus, Slightly Put-Off Gus, or Mildly Inconvenienced But Not Super Angry About It Because Like It’s Okay Gus?

FREYA: The latter. We really should change his name… GRENNABIEN: He’s currently employed in the treasury, Your Majesty. You would have to find a new treasurer to replace him. I hear Slightly Put-Off Gus is good with numbers too!

FREYA: If my brother were still in the kingdom, he could take over that job easily. I guess it’s too much to ask for a new treasurer to just waltz through the door… (Silence. QUEEN FREYA watches the door expectantly. GRENNABIEN looks around the room as if trying to find what she’s looking for.)

GRENNABIEN: ...Is...is something the matter, or –

(The door flies open. GRENNABIEN shrieks in alarm and nearly falls off the futon.) FREYA: (Excitedly) Oh! (HOWARD THE GUARD stands in the doorway. With him is ULYSSES.) FREYA: (Dejectedly) Oh. It’s just you two. HOWARD: Your Majesty, Duke Frankenshire is waiting in the throne room to see you. Before you go, you should know he didn’t laugh at Vitolino and I’s joke. GRENNABIEN: I told her. He’s a wretch.

ULYSSES: Oh, don’t be so harsh on him. It probably wasn’t a very good joke. That’s probably why he didn’t laugh. You should hire a new jester, Your Majesty. HOWARD: (Glaring at ULYSSES.) Or maybe some people just don’t understand comedy. FREYA: I’m inclined to agree with Howard. (Standing) I’m guessing there’s no chance you’ll let the Duke greet me in this filthy room? So maybe he’ll decide I’d make a terrible housewife and leave me alone?

HOWARD: Oh, Your Majesty! Queens don’t have to be good housewives. You’re silly. ULYSSES: Your only job is to govern the kingdom and boss servants around!

GRENNABIEN: Would you like me to clean the room after all, Your Majesty? FREYA: Sure, why not...thank you, Grennabien. Let’s go meet that Duke so I can chase him out quickly.

HOWARD: (Offering his arm to FREYA) Allow us to escort you, Your Majesty. (Exeunt FREYA, HOWARD, and ULYSSES.) GRENNABIEN: (Surveying the room.) ...Nope. No. This is way too much work. Griselda?! Griselda, where are you?!