The MQ Volume 19 Issue 6

Volume 19, Issue 6 >> May 1, 2013 >> $4.99 themq.org

NEW ALBUM REVIEWS

Top Celebrity Rehab Resorts

YOU’LL GO CRAZY FOR THESE PLACES! PAGE 5

Surviving Festival Season

LET US BE YOUR “COACH”ELLA FOR SUMMER MUSIC GATHERINGS PAGES 6-7

Summer Blockbuster Preview SAME PLOTS, SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT FACES PAGE 12

Blue Ivy Carter

Bawl so Hard: Blue Ivy is mashing the competition, like her peas Page 2

Yeah Yeah Yeahs Robert “Bertie” Montgomery Mr. Wobbles and The Silly Billies Red Hot Chili Peppers Slayer PLUS ‘24’ RETURNS

Page 2

theMQ.org

May 1, 2013

The Second Coming:

How Blue Ivy Carter is Going to Save Us from our Musical Sins

PHOTO BY BRIAN DAMP

She may be fresh out of a womb, but she’s playing the music industry like an old pro. Makes us think she may be resurrected — taking the world by storm and gaining a following so large and dedicated it’s almost cultish. From the playground of her daycare, we talk about her new CD, her stint on SNL, and her current fantasy obsession.

BY KEVIN CHU & ALLIE KIEKHOFER ______________________________________________

I

’m sitting on a short plastic bench in the VIP section of the swank Gramercy Park Daycare playground waiting for Carter, who’s running late after a meeting with her producer. As I wait, I see a group of tiny children gathered nervously around the playground’s short red picket fence entryway. What are they doing? I wonder to myself. And, as if to answer my question, a shriek arises from the tiny mob.

“She’s here! She’s here!”

As if willed by God himself, the toddler sea parts. The picket fence door swings open. Blue and her assistant strut in and she takes off her large shades, cool as a cucumber — if that cucumber were the love child of James Dean and Bob Marley playing soccer. She’s wearing a silk onesie under a black skirt, her diaper pushing the skirt outward as if she’s donning some sort of baby petticoat. In her right hand, she holds a sippy cup of iced coffee, while her shoulder presses a black iPhone 5 tightly against her ear.

As she walks in, girls from the mob beg for autographs, but she silences them with a fist thrust

in the air before returning to her phone conversation.

She talks for a few more seconds before hanging up, and, as if on cue, the girls thrust forward and begin their cacophony of praise for Blue.

“Ohmygosh, I love the new single!”

“Your outfit is so cute! Totally really rocking that shit in your diaper, gurrrrrrl!”

“Can you sign my bib?!”

Blue holds out her hand, and her assistant places a black Sharpie in it. As she uncaps it, she looks over to me, winks, and takes the pacifier out of her mouth.

“Another hard day’s work,” she sighs.

--After the mob of girls has run into the daycare for naptime, I relocate with Blue to the giant plastic swirl slide on the other side of the playground.

She has an hour to talk before she has to attend show-and-tell (for which she has brought one of her mother’s platinum records, “stowed away in my diaper bag,” she adds), so we get to the point on everyone’s mind — her monster success with her first studio release Wah Wah [Inarticulate Gurgling] shot to the top of the charts just a few months ago.

“It’s been kind of a whirlwind year,” said Blue, who also filmed and starred in a documentary about her life on the road for the It’s A Wah Wah [Inarticulate Gurgling] World Tour. “My parents did all they could to prep me, with mock interviews and organizing a daily talent show at the daycare so I could practice my performances — but the real thing is just so different.”

Her tour, which sold out in all 50 cities across 30 countries, featured hits off her debut, including the club hit “Peekaboo, I See You!” and the mega-hit single “Four Minutes of Crying,” and even some performances of new songs “Open Wide” and “Spit-Up (Vomit) feat. Ke$ha.” She appeared on many television programs, such as The Tonight Show and Late Night with David Letterman, and even landed the coveted hostand-musical-guest gig on the March 9 episode of Saturday Night Live.

“It’s kind of been a goal of mine, since I was barely two months old, to be on Saturday Night Live,” quipped Blue, smiling fondly in between sips of coffee. “It was really great working with the cast, writers, and crew, and Lorne [Michaels] was just so friendly and welcoming.”

And it doesn’t seem like Blue is stopping anytime soon — she’s beginning press next month to promote her new album Trapped in the Crib, and she’s releasing the music video for “Spit Up (Vomit)” later this month. But through it all, she still finds time for her education, attending Gramercy Park on days when she is not in the studio recording or away in a foreign country, lighting up the stage.

“My parents [demigod power couple Beyonce and Jay-Z] instilled in me from a very early age that my education comes first,” Blue explained.

“And I think part of the reason for that is that they want me to stay humble and connected to my audience [babies, soccer moms, and people who “totally love Beyonce”], which I can find plenty of here [at Gramercy].”

And invested in her education she is. Blue sits perched at the top of her class, her teachers consistently reporting her “strong work ethic” as evidence of her future — I mean, continued, success. She’s also begun to study different subjects, taking classes at the local community college in Algebra, Latin, and Middle Eastern History. The two month-old superstar admitted she’s even begun to teach herself Dothraki by watching episodes of Game of Thrones.

“I watch every episode at least twice so I can get a hang of the syntax,” Blue says sheepishly.

“It’s kind of my guilty pleasure, learning this fun, made-up language — it’s just a bunch of nonsensical screaming and yelling and getting angry that no one around me can understand. Surprisingly difficult genitive case, though.”

--As we finish our interview, Blue cries to her assistant, a tall, handsome man with a striking resemblance to Denzel Washington, who reaches into her diaper bag and pulls out a juice box.

He pushes the straw out of its wrapper, punches it through the hole on the top of the juice box and hands it to Blue, who immediately drops her sippy cup and begins sucking the sepia liquid through the straw.

“I still can’t punch the straw through the top,” she explains after a long draw from the straw. “I’m working out every day to work up to it, though.”

She may be a musical, comedic, and intellectual prodigy, but she can’t do everything on her own, it seems.

Editor-in-Chief..............................Brian Damp Managing Editor.........................Monica Bhide Managing Editor............................. Jessi Carr Content Editor.............................Jack Beegan Associate Content Editor................Kevin Chu Associate Content Editor..........Allie Kiekhofer Design Editor.........................Elizabeth O’Neil Graphics Editor....................Bora Buyuktimkin Assistant Graphics Editor.............Ryan Gibbs Assistant Graphics Editor...............Sora Chee

Copy Editor.................................Garrett Chan Assistant Copy Editor.............Andrew Deneris Business Editor..........................Wesley Chan Web Editor......................................Ben Steen Assistant Web Editor..................Connor Brew Distribution Captain.......................Avi Kabani Social Chair.................................Trev Malone MQ Deadbeat Stepdad....................Zac Hann Foreign Correspondent...........Josh Malkinson Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members Chris Aldama Jack Beegan Monica Bhide Dylan Blackie Brianna Blumenthal Connor Brew Caitlin Carnahan Jessi Carr Garret Chan Hillary Chan

When you thizz face into the abyss, the abyss thizz faces also at you. Tuesdays, at 6p.m. in Half Dome.

“The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.”

All content is copyright © 2013 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of the MQ. Special issues are always a royal pain in the ass. But it looks great doesn’t it? Well done, Elizabeth. You’re getting better every time. Sora Chee has killed it once again in the graphics department. That’s two homicides in a row, Sora. You might want to lay low for a while. Andrew and Garrett were superb as usual. Team content deserves a special hurrah for a job well done on this issue. Allie and Kevin win the MQ Medal of Valor (which I just made up) for their courage in staying up all night editing articles to meet their deadline. They were in peak form this weekend. Thanks to Cole Steffensen for coming out to his first production and making some pretty funny cracks.

I see a lot of potential in his future. Kudos to Jack for rolling with all of the punches we threw and keeping cool under pressure. It was a pleasure working with you this weekend. Lastly, thanks to Monica for keeping tabs on everything that’s happening in both rooms. It’s a tough job. Thanks for doing it for me so I could watch baseball.

Wesley Chan Sora Chee Rosa Cho Kevin Chu Brian Damp Janine Davis Angelique DeCastro Andrew Deneris James Dohleman Dylan Everingham

Ryan Gibbs Alison Gilchrist Zac Hann Avi Kabani Marina Karastamatis Allie Kiekhofer Kyle Koerber Trev Malone Hilary Morefield Adil Mistry

Kimberly Nguyen Audrey Olson Elizabeth O’Neil Jeric Pereda Alex Rosengarten Marissa Ruxin Kyle Somers Ben Steen Cole Steffensen Howard Wang

Booster Club Thanks to Elizabeth for the fudge stripes, Monica for the chips and dip and Jessi for the brother, Oreos, and cupcakes. Zac brought Pepsi, everyone’s favorite delicious American treat; Andrew provided an aggregate 45,000 calories in dining dollar snacks. Kevin brought Takis en fuego. Thanks to Cole for preserved foods and fresh ideas.

Garrett says he bought someone a coffee.

May 1, 2013

theMQ.org

Page 3

One Direction Goes Separate Ways

PHOTO BY ANGELIQUE DECASTRO

BY AUDREY OLSON

______________________________________________

I

n light of a successful musical year and the release of a variety of songs promoting both positive body image and the recurring “na” sound, the recently emerged boy band One Direction has decided to part ways in their path to stardom.

“As individuals, we were so tired of being judged by our adoring fans as a single direction,” commented British member Niall Horan.

“As five separate people with the same essential identity, we wanted to address as many directions as we possibly could. South, north, west, east, and, I don’t know, Middle East? I’m looking at you, Zayn Malik.”

“We never did get much individual autonomy as One Direction,” concurred Louis Tomlinson, another British member. “Most of the songs we have to write are, in fact, about one another. ‘One Thing’ was actually one of our alternatives when we were deciding what to name our band, and then Simon Cowell came along and gave us two-dimensional displacement and a record label.”

Cowell’s creative efforts, however, may have been for naught as the band reconsiders its role in the popular music industry. While Horan,

Letters to the Editor RE: THESE ARE JUST PICTURES OF BEYONCE IN AS FEW CLOTHES AS POSSIBLE I am a concerned parent and I am absolutely livid about this article. I have been reading Rolling Stone for years and have been statistically analyzing exactly how many pieces of clothes hot women can wear in your magazine (1.7) and we have been cheated out of about 2 square inches of skin. That hair tie was the difference between a good Tuesday and just another night of lying there while Frieda has her way with me.

Blake Sinha Little Dog, FL

RE: WE STILL LIKE THE BEACH BOYS

After reading this article, I was forced to confront the fact that the only reason I ever listened to The Beach Boys at all was because Jenny did. And I always did what Jenny wanted. All the happiness those songs brought me, all the good memories were just pure manipulation. I have realized that my entire life was a joke — on

Tomlinson, and Malik have confirmed their advocacy of a split, one-fifth Direction Liam Payne expressed his regret over the band’s impending breakup.

“We’re insecure,” interjected Payne. “Don’t know what for. We’re turning heads as we walk through the do-o-or,” he concluded before breaking down into tears at his inability to communicate in any manner other than the song lyrics written by his producer.

“He’s very self-conscious about his stutter, but we’ve tried to incorporate him the best we can,” stated the less apparent but still measurably British Malik as he and the remaining three-fifths of the band consoled a sobbing Payne. “Oddly, he didn’t actually develop the stutter until we’d been in the recording studio for a while. It happened somewhere around our 300th time trying to record.”

Payne isn’t the only member to live out the scarring effects that comes with imminent fame. Directioner Harry Styles experienced a more personal trauma. He appeared impartial to the chaotic band disbandment following his own infamous breakup with country starlet Taylor Swift. Thereafter altogether incapable of human speech, Styles managed to release a statement by means of blinking Morse code.

me. Was I ever happy? Did I ever like “California Girls”? I’ve never even been to California.

I’ve never been surfin’ U.S.A. My life was just a waste. Anyways, great article! I’m a big fan.

Andrew Flabinsky Milwaukee, WI

RE: IT’S SPELLED “BEETLES”

In your last issue, you described the spread of the English beetle across the United Kingdom and completely mischaracterized both their taxonomy and their devastating impact on the English countryside, which laid bare countless pastures and caused the death of millions of people. But you were right to call them a “phenomenon” and a “wave that swept away entire regions of Britain.” Indeed, entire communities starved to death as crops failed and the beetles spread infectious diseases. To treat this debacle as a sort of achievement, especially by writing that they “changed the face of the industry,” given the through-the-roof death toll among timber workers, is an outrage and should never have been published.

Anna Martinson Red River, OH

“Taylor Swift is the spawn of Satan,” a translator passed on. “She feasts on the souls of her mates until they’re nothing but a husk, then discards them for new, famous prey. You’ve heard ‘Dear John,’ right? It made John Mayer cry. John Mayer. Oh, also, she doesn’t shave.”

It appears that the individual troubles the bandmates have faced have made One Direction unfeasible to sustain. And while many will mourn the short-lived epidemic of the One Direction infection, the side effects will undoubtedly have much longer-lasting repercussions.

Recent polls alone have shown that a majority of Earth’s population continues to favor syllable repetition, skinny jeans and the 21-and-under faction of the male gender.

In spite of past breakups that mirror this one — such famous acts as *NSYNC, the Backstreet Boys, and Justin Bieber and his trademark flippy hair have all met the same fate — ­ history has shown time and time again that the world will always be in dire need of that male icon that releases a chart-topper that, allegedly, no person would be caught dead listening to. For the good or bad of humanity, then, there’s no doubt that another One Direction is headed in ours sooner than we think.

This fourth release by New York lo-fi indie trio the Yeah Yeah Yeahs leaves many questions unanswered. First of all, who is their exterminator? Because for there to be a mosquito big enough to lift a baby, he must have been slacking majorly on his job. This brings me to the baby. Is the baby purple? It’s purple, right?

Where did they get a purple baby? Is he a mutant baby, and if so, what are his powers? Also, who are his parents that they would leave a naked neon child unattended in the leg of what looks like a deathly bloodsucking insect with a stomach virus? Malaria is no joke, y’all. And I can’t finish without bringing up the unnatural green goo that the baby is allowed to engorge himself on right before he’s — I assume — bitten to death. The last time I checked, no baby food was a translucent green gel. Not to mention he spilled all over the Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ logo. Someone call social services on Karen O, because this is outright parental negligence — by far one of the most shocking releases I have come across in a long time. In any case, I can’t wait to get this bad boy outta the packaging and give it a listen!

RE: KEVIN JONAS!!

Hey, Rolling Stone. I hope you guys are well and that you enjoyed the Easter newsletter I sent to your personal P.O. box. You might have noticed a photo of me in a swimsuit sitting next to a woman. This woman and I have exchanged numerous suggestive text messages, if you must ask. Just me being typical Kevin Out-of-Control Jonas. So anyways, it’s been great catching up, if you want to get together some time, just call me. My number’s (320) 555-9201, and my email is kevinSTUDjobro@ hotmail.com and I’m sure I don’t have to remind you of my twitter handle. Oh alright, just in case. @KevinSuperFamousJonas.

Kevin “I’m a Jonas Brother” Jonas 3425 Rose Avenue Los Angeles, CA

CORRECTIONS In a review of Lana del Rey’s new EP, we gave it one star.

After listening to the album, we would like to revise our ranking to zero stars.

Last issue, we said Justin Vernon (Bon Iver) cried for 37 minutes during the interview after seeing a particularly sad bag floating in the wind. It was 38 minutes.

Tireless ivory tickler Robert “Bertie” Montgomery’s fourth live concert release of the year, “Sessions at the ‘Strom,” is one of his strongest pieces to date and cements his place among the most prolific Postmodern-Ambient Instrumental keyboard-based performers of our time.

Although this particular show featured mostly tracks from his February LP “Songs for Hosiery Shopping,” Montgomery shows great sonic awareness during the featured performance, utilizing Nordstrom’s high ceilings and and tightly wound patrons to create a sophisticated yet eerily hollow intonation throughout the eight-track set. The echoes created as the sound reverberates off shelves filled with MAC cosmetics add another dimension to his daring yet gentle renditions of of popular elevator music, but what really makes these recordings special is the din of people so disappointed with their lives they believe a department store will make things better. Upon release, the track has risen to the top in purchases for live-departmentstore-based-classical music videos past Angelo the Sax-Master’s “Groovy Tunes for Shoppin’ Moods” and Cynthia Puentes’ “Why Doesn’t Walgreen’s Carry Booze Again?”

We’re sorry we called it butter. We couldn’t believe it either.

Retrospective: Things Taller Than Paul Simon

TOP 100

Band Names that Sound Like Horrible STDs 30. Deathcrabs for Cutie 29. Herpes Strain A7809 28. The Cure … Doesn’t Exist Yet, We’re Working on It 27. Chlamydia 26. Sarah McLaughlin 25. It Burns When I Percy P. 24. The Flaming Lips 23. OutKast by Society Because We Have a Tragic Victim Blaming Attitude Towards HIV 22. Chumbawumba 21. Hoobastank

theMQ.org

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May 1, 2013

Bene-Diction:

Generation Y ‘Feeling Old’:

A Look Back on Pope Benedict XVI’s Farewell Tour

Backstreet Boys Plans 20 Year Reunion

AN INTERVIEW BY JESSI CARR

_____________________________________________ Following the conclusion of his sold out, whirlwind world tour, I was lucky enough to meet with Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI at his temporary residence at Castel Gandolfo, of Da Vinci Code fame. As we dined over a luncheon of warmed arugula salad, seared ahi, and the finest Franzia money can buy, His Former Holiness opened up to me about his trials, tribulations, and nipple slips.

W

hat made you decide to retire in the first place? Your career just seemed to be reaching its peak.

I was looking back on my past works, you know, like Eradicating Flesh-Eating Bacteria in Vatican City (2009, Vatican Records), Resurrection of the Dead Grass (2010, Vatican Records), and most recently, The Cancer Healing (2013, Sony BMG), and I just realized that I was over the hill. I’m proud of my work, and I’m happy with where I am. I don’t want to just become one of those sellouts who keep making albums that nobody cares about and resign myself to performing at grand openings for shopping center renovations in suburban Southern California communities. I want to go out on top.

Why the huge tour? Some critics were saying it was taking away from Francis’ debut.

It’s all for the fans, man. Honestly, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to do it, given my health and all, but damn, these guys were just so great to me that I had to give them one last encore before I stepped down. And I’m not pulling no Jay-Z shit where I just do this retirement to sell some records and then come back a few years later. This is for real. I wanted to give it my all and then some, savor the glory one last time.

With such a hectic, crazy touring schedule, what would you say your favorite moment of it all was?

Before, I’d never been much of a fan of Hard Rock Manila — they don’t have the best light and sound setup, to be honest. But goddamn, those Filipinos sure know how to show this old man a great time. I swore off crowd surfing after a few too many guys in the audience were giving me flashbacks to my altar boy days, but during my encore performance of “Popin’ in the Pulpit,” the energy was just so great that I had to, man. Never would have given up surfin’ in the first place if those babes in the front were at all of my shows.

Now that you’re retired from the music business, what are your plans for the future?

I’m definitely planning on sticking around, maybe mentoring my homeboy Francis if he decides to follow in my footsteps. But you know, I’ll go wherever the wind takes me.

Maybe a clothing line, starting my own label, who knows?

If you could undo one mistake from your past, what would it

be?

You know, everyone would probably expect me to say that whole Hitler Youth thing, and yeah, I’ll admit, it’s not something that I’m proud about. But, hell, everyone was forced to join it. It was the law.

What was I supposed to do? I’ll say though, out of things I’ve done on my own free will, definitely that night out with Joe Goddamn Biden — just a little senator back then, mind you — when I hit up U.S. back in ’08. We wound up on top of the Washington Monument at 4 a.m. with a few interns, a bottle of Dom, and those joints: it took almost all of my diplomatic immunity to clear it all up. Probably keep that on the down low, though.

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

Weezer Overcomes Bronchitis, Now Able to Suck With Ease

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

You’re supposed to feel old. Do you?

BY JESSI CARR

______________________________________________________________

F

ollowing the Backstreet Boys’ announcement of a reunion for their 20th anniversary tour, millions of Generation Y’ers across the country eagerly broke out their collections of cassette tapes and compact discs with excitement, only to be greeted by the sobering realization that their iPods, iPads, and Android mobile devices could not play the now-archaic formats.

Similar feelings were reported after last year’s Olympic closing ceremony featuring the Spice Girls, where the quintet’s reunion performance created sudden waves of nostalgia in viewers who had fond memories of singing along to “Wannabe” while eating Otter Pops, playing on monkey bars, and enjoying the freedom to hang out at airport gates without having a flight ticket. This feeling ended moments later, however, as viewers worldwide snapped out of it and remembered that they now have to face the important issues of high unemployment, global warming, and impending war with any country that looks at the U.S. weird.

As Beyoncé began her The Mrs. Carter Show World Tour last month, it came as a shock to many that her solo career has stretched ten years and four albums, as it feels like only yesterday they were having their first slumber parties at their best friend’s house, painting toenails, playing truth or dare, and choreographing dances to “Survivor” and “Bootylicious.”

After Franz Ferdinand’s headlining set at Coachella, festivalgoers reminisced about 2004, when many first heard “Take Me Out” on the radio, and their simultaneous awkward days of middle school, where their childish innocence showed through their worries of having to change in the P.E. locker room and asking their crush to dance along to Jessica Simpson’s cover of “Take My Breath Away.” But those memories soon faded as the copious amounts of hallucinogenics they took led their minds down a rabbit hole of recursive thinking about the mysterious fate of their “lazer lime green” coveralls.

This phenomenon is not solely reserved to music. Corey and Topanga of Boy Meets World fame are now receiving their own sequel series, where their child grows up in a much stricter world than the one that they shared with millions of viewers across America, a world where the World Trade Center has never been around and the save icon on Microsoft Word documents is incomprehensible.

Perhaps one of the most visibly affected by this is Amanda Bynes, former star of Nickelodeon’s The Amanda Show and the movie Hairspray. Bynes, once a youthful representation of innocence and wholesomeness, has recently regained prominence in the media has a wild, clueless party girl; no longer the wild, clueless teen actress portraying deranged characters with startling accuracy.

TOP 100

Worst Ways to Start Contract Negotiations

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

BY JACK BEEGAN

______________________________________________________________

O

n Monday, popular rock group Weezer released a statement announcing the band had finally recovered from a 21-year bout of bronchitis and is now capable of “totally sucking more than [they] ever have before!”

“We’re really excited,” said vocalist/guitarist/multiple-bodies-of-water Rivers Cuomo. “We first got really into sucking with Make Believe, and the record went platinum — platinum! Do you know what platinum is? It’s what happens nine months after gold and silver have sex!” he explained, sweating while slapping his hands and tapping his feet in a furious attempt to replicate the physical act of love.

“But Make Believe — man, that was child’s play. Now, we can suck so much better!” he added before singing the first verse of their yet-to-be-released song “Jock Stew,” which he describes as “utter shit.”

The band credits its newfound health to its close friendships with bands such as Green Day and Fall Out Boy. “Their level of sucking really inspired us to kick the whole bronchitis thing,” said rhythm guitarist and backing vocalist Brian Bell. “I mean, those guys — they’re on their own level — but when Billie Joe [Armstrong, of Green Day] and Pete [Wentz, of Fallout Boy] told us they wanted to play on our new record, we knew we had to step it up.”

Music biz insiders believe their new album, yet another

Weezer, still in production, will be their worst release to date — a tall order, considering The Red Album began with a track featuring the lyrics “I’m a troublemaker / never been a faker.” Still, most are confident that the band can and will outdo their previous “suckage” — many point to multiple eyewitness reports of Will.i.am seen entering Weezer’s Los Angeles studio. If the rumors prove to be true, this new LP might suck enough to earn a Grammy nomination — and who knows, maybe a glowing review from a magazine not dissimilar to this one, if you catch my drift.

The release date has yet to be announced, though Weezer fans are already buzzing with excitement — after all, it’s the first big piece of Weezer news since they headlined the aptly-named Weezer Cruise™ experience, a Carnival Cruise marketed primarily towards music fans who swore they would never go on another cruise after their family vacation the summer before ninth grade.

“I’m going crazy over the news of this new album!” said Weezer fan Tanya Lloyd. “I mean, they’ve got it all: the looks, the sound, the independent record label contract following 17 years with the largest American music corporation in the world — I mean, their new stuff is going to suck so hard I can almost taste it!”

“Suck?” Cuomo commented. “Suck? Wait ‘till Weezer comes out! No, I know that one’s already out. Yeah, and the other one.

No, the new one, it’s also called Weezer. Anyway, it’s not just gonna suck — it’s gonna blow!”

57. Sit on their laps 56. “Oh, so we’re gonna split the royalties 55-55, right?”

55. “Do I have sex with you before or after I sign?”

54. List finishing second in your middle school talent show as your proudest accomplishment 53. “So do the groupies come with the label, or do I have to earn them?”

52. “At my last job, I sold cocaine.”

51. Keep asking them if they’re Richard Simmons 50. “Well, I think my greatest weakness is that I’m too much of an overachiever.”

49. Ask if boy bands have vacant positions 48. “Mom, please don’t fire me again.”

THE MQ All the news that fits and some that doesn’ Tuesdays. 6 p.m. Half Dome.

theMQ.org

May 1, 2013

Page 5

Obama Responds to Critics:

Personnel Issues, the Pressures of Success, and Socks

Top Three Rehabilitation Resorts You’ve committed the crime, now you’ll have to serve the time … in style! Forget the crowded, worn-out Beverly Hills haunts (no one wants to room with Lindsay Lohan anyway), and try one of these three relaxing, luxurious, and appropriately stimulating retreats.

The Getty Get Well Center

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

Thus far, 2013 has not been kind to funk-rock supergroup POTUS & the Cab. Accusations of selling out and internal tensions plagued the band, who had just come off a national tour and began preparing for a follow-up to their masterpiece concept album Lesser of the Two, an album that combined Obama’s lyrical genius with infectious rhythms and lush arrangements to create a work of long-thought-extinct pop sensibility. RS was lucky enough to sit down with the full band.

INTERVIEW BY JACK BEEGAN

______________________________________________________________ Interviewer’s note: POTUS & the Cab’s drummer, Joseph Robinette “Joe” Biden Jr., refused to let me leave the interview unless I used the term “skins” instead of “drums.” I thought he was joking. He was not.

M

any critics (nobody here at Rolling Stone, of course) have said that following your debut, POTUS & the Cab’s career has been marked by a series of disappointing compromises. Is there anything you’d like to say about that?

Barack Obama (vocals): Early on, I was really disillusioned with the whole scene. I wanted to shake things up, you know? That’s what we did with Not Another Republican [the band’s certified platinum 2007 debut], but touring that record exhausted us — those were some crazy jams: The God Damn America To Hell gospel choir and those Qanbus [Arabian short-necked lute] speed runs? I haven’t played like that since my radical madrasa days. We tried to build on that, but we got worn out real quick.

By now, the American people really just want to dance: the economy is crap, we still have soldiers in the Middle East, and they’re stuck with politicians who are too cowardly or malicious to help them out in any way. I’ll admit, I’ve made some artistic compromises by now — hell, even 60-year-old white dudes have been warming up to me — but I know what I’m doing, critics: I’m getting more asses shaking and more heads rolling than you are.

With Lesser of the Two in the rearview mirror, tensions arose when [bassist] Hillary Clinton quit the group and you brought in John Kerry as a replacement. How did this change affect the group dynamic?

Obama: Don’t get me wrong — Hillary Clinton is an extremely talented bassist, but the truth is, she just wasn’t groovin’ with the rest of the band. She doesn’t play with soul, you know? It’s like she was just part of the band so she could get noticed and move on to another project — it started to feel like she wanted my job or something [laughs]. And she’d go missing for long periods of time with these bizarre excuses, telling us she had to go to China or that she’d had a stroke or something. It was too much.

Now, John’s exactly what we needed. He’s got the chin, the moves, and more importantly, he’s got heart … compared to a certain former cabinet member.

Mr. Secretary [of State], what was it like filling former secretary Clinton’s shoes?

John Kerry (bass): A little painful — I’ve got big feet [chuckles].

Joe Biden (skins): You know what they say about big feet?

Eric Holder (keyboard): Joe, cut it out.

Joe Biden: Big socks! [laughs] Yeah!

Sally Jewell: Nice one, Joe. You took that in an unexpected direction.

Joe Biden: And huge cocks! Screw you, Sally!

Sally Jewell: Joe, I’d rather you not.

In closing, is there anything you’d like to say that we didn’t cover already?

Obama: I mean, this is what we do, right? We’re the luckiest people in the world. I wouldn’t trade this job for anything.

Biden: Except for maybe a cold beer [giggles incessantly].

“Mumford and Sons” Changes Band Name: One Son’s Bold Decision to Become Daughter

PHOTO BY ANGELIQUE DECASTRO

Mumford & Sons is becoming Mumford & Sons & Daughter, and for better or for worse, that’s not going to change anything.

BY TREV MALONE

______________________________________________________________

P

opular auto-folk group Mumford & Sons, known for their Grammy-winning album Babel featuring songs “I Will Wait,” “Cottonwood Heartbreak,” and “Mumbled Humblebrag,” released a statement Wednesday announcing the change of their group’s name to “Mumford & Sons & Daughter” after the band’s banjo player came out publicly as a male-to-female transgender last Saturday.

The group’s banjoist Country Winston Marshall, who will now be known as Country Winifred Marshall, announced the news by way of a post on her Facebook page. “I’m excited to be a part of a group that accepts me for who I really am,” Marshall wrote. “Even though [my band mates] knew the band name would have to be altered, they were more than welcoming about doing that to reflect the true makeup of the band is.”

Reception of the band’s name change has received mixed reviews from critics, with some speculating that the band’s musical sound would change as a result and others venturing guesses that the sound would retain its “incestuous prospectors” aesthetic.

Jay Reuben, a representative of the band, ensured fans that

Initially designed as the fifth pavilion of the J. Paul Getty Institute, the Getty Get Well Center may possess a stupid name, but everything else about it is intellectual. The GGWC focuses on “mental and spiritual healing,” and while we don’t really know how that sets it apart from most other rehab places, the GGWC also boasts a state-of-the-art reverse osmotic duodenal cleanser. Guests here are encouraged to pursue intellectual pastimes to refocus their minds and bodies. You won’t need acid to contemplate existential questions, as patients’ rooms are decorated with minor Dalí pieces and stenciled quotes from the works of Kafka and Kierkegaard. And you’ll be in good company: Handsome Mormon and “Jeopardy!” champion Ken Jennings spent six months here battling oxycodone addiction after losing to IBM’s Watson. The only drawback to the GGWC is its exclusivity; currently, there is a six-month wait for the next available room, and the management will not accept anyone who does not have health insurance or those with preexisting conditions. A standard six-month stay here will cost you north of $500,000, but that’s the price to pay to recover like a star.

the band’s music would still suit their taste. “The change to the name is purely that,” Reuben wrote in the “posts by others” section of the Buffalo Exchange Facebook fan page, where he knew he could reach out to a maximum number of fans. “The group will continue to provide multiple releases that all sound exactly the same, regardless of the name on the CD.” “Although Marshall’s change means the band is losing one neck beard, a feature that has drawn a notable part of our fan base, she’s promised to compensate with a pair of non-prescription plastic-framed eyewear,” Reuben added. “The band will continue to meet its quota of 1.5 minutes of falsely impassioned strumming and 16 lines of generic regret per song.”

The band members themselves assuaged concerned fans by releasing a record with an audio recording of Marshall explaining her decision in song while frontman Marcus Mumford plays alternating G major and C major cords on an acoustic guitar in the background. The record was released exclusively on vinyl and will be sold only in Mumford & Sons & Daughters-endorsed haberdasheries.

Rueben elaborated on the process of the change saying that the members considered a variety of options, including Mumford & Them, Mumford & the Mumford Munchkins, Mumford & Children Who I Love No Matter What, I Just Want Them To Be Happy.

Walter Reed Rehabilitation Annex Once dismissed as a backwards and unsalvageable byproduct of big American government, Walter Reed Rehabilitation Annex, reopened in 2011, has become one of the hottest and least-partisan properties in the Beltway rehabcenter-boom. This facility is no longer exclusive to members of the army, and has become a favorite of politicians, especially those who have delusions of grandeur such as Ron Paul. In two short years, Walter Reed has proven time and time again that the shame of seeking help does not only have to be borne by celebrities. Nancy Pelosi “vacationed” here for two months after the 2010 midterm elections to fight her alcoholism, during which she began writing her three-volume memoir, “Reflections on the American Left: The Un-American Right.” Currently, the Walter Reed has one of the highest satisfaction and quality of life ratings of any American rehabilitation center, with sharp and efficient practices honed through dealing with some of the worst liars and criminals this country has ever seen.

NiNE Our final rehab center is definitely not for everyone. Inspired by Dante’s Inferno and located in an abandoned Utah bauxite mine, Nine is the masterpiece of visionary psychiatrist and brutalist architect Nasim Du Thoc, who died three years before its completion. Patients begin their treatment at the top of the mine and descend each of the nine levels as they progress, replacing their addictions with vices that are less severe. Are you addicted to meth? The good doctors will have you replace that vice with starting torrid affairs with your neighbors, then getting you hooked to watching reality shows about pawn shops or obsessed with charity auctions. It worked wonders for Michael Fassbender, who portrayed a sex addict in “Shame” and subsequently became an actual sex addict. During his treatment, he became a social alcoholic, then an avid pot farmer, then a devout follower of “The Suze Orman Show.” He has now been sober for five months, but occasionally relapses into reciting lines from “The Bell Jar.” So, if you feel like you kleptomania has stolen too many valuable years of your life, your metaphorical downward spiral can take on a very real form. Nine’s methods are best equipped to help you turn your life from its feeble imitation of art back into its feeble imitation of life.

FEATURE BY GARRETT CHAN

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Closer Look: Summer Music Festivals

And a very good ‘aroo to you too, sir! (traditional Bonaroo greeting) With Lollapalooza, Coachella and other made-up words reporting record ticket sales, more and more young people are reporting feelings of being lost, confused and “way too high for this” in the festival atmosphere. We at Rolling Stone thought we’d help you navigate the intimidating world of socially mandated noise and other people.

Getting a Picture with Your Favorite Artist “Favorites are meaningless unless you can use them to annoy your friends,” said Nietzsche. So basically your favorite band sucks unless you can get pictures with them and show them off to people you think are your friends.

Make good Macbook Pro costume, sneak onto stage, and when favorite artist uses Macbook Pro, boom it’s you!

What to Wear

Crotchless capris, snake skin earrings, what’s the next cool fad? Well, here are a few ideas.

Fedora: Matches great with an unwarranted sense of atheist superiority and bigotry disguised as rational analysis of modern patriarchal society, or “political incorrectness.”

Appropriate the plight of Native Americans, victims of one of the most large-scale and brutal programs of ethnic cleansing the world has ever known for the sake of kitschy headwear: So Cute!

Sweat and bodily fluids of strange people: The most unique outfit for sure, and also the best way to beat the heat.

Also, substitutes for a bath!

See-through shirt so people can see your band-themed nipples: Show off those beautiful Grateful Dead nipples, or even your cleverly named “NippleBacks,” without having to take your shirt off like some kind of asshole.

(Pictured: Saran Wrap Tee from Urban Outfitters - $128)

Next year’s festival commemorative hat: Be cooler than everyone else there by getting memorabilia to the one festival they definitely haven’t been to yet.

Incapacitate roadie; steal clothes, tattoos, ex-convict past; sneak past security and corner favorite artist Commission it from them

Nothing that covers your midriff: Those stretch marks deserve to breathe!

Fanny pack worn sideways: Sideways is scientifically the coolest way to wear a fanny pack.

Just make sure you move it to the front when you enter porta potties so that it doesn’t get caught in the door lock.

Pants that double as a bong: The most practical and inconspicuous way to bring all your marijuanas into the festival to smoke out of.

(Pictured: 420s from Levi’s - $50)

Shout, “Hey, do you want to play Mad Libs?”

Musicians cannot resist the allure of Mad Libs1

Organizing Your Own Music Festival In elementary school, those spoiled brats Sammy and Jake Outsidelands always had the coolest music festivals. Well, those days are over. With these simple tips, soon you’ll have everything you always wanted: More.

Get a grass field. (IKEA?) Replace grass field with mud. Festivalgoers love mud, for some reason

Hire a clown for face painting. Or balloon animals! Clowns are such versatile entertainers!

Thomas Edison invented Photoshop for this very reason. Use your brain, it’s 2013 “Favorite artist?” you scoff indignantly 1

Source: Science

TOP 100 Similarities Between The Rolling Stones and an Actual Rolling Stone

100. Surfaces are rough-hewn and craggy String cheese! You’re gonna need a whole lot of string cheese 99. Pretty much your entire childhood entertainment 98. Will hurt someone if thrown at them 97. Forever associated with that Hells’ Angels stabbing Get The Postal Service to play, people really go apeshit 96. Formed by sediments piling on for those mailmen top of each other over millenia 99. Named after a Muddy Waters song Enough smoke and lasers can compensate for a total lack of creativity (right, Muse?)

94. Overrated 93. Your aunt believes they are servants of the Devil Call up your cousin Jerry — he played at your sister’s bat mitzvah! Remember Jerry? How could you not remem- 92. Your aunt has some evidence to ber Jerry? He’s a doctor now, you know back up this claim 91. Currently stuck in your head

May 1, 2013

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Camping Tips Chances are, your festival grounds will not be populated by lions, tigers and bears (oh my), but we don’t take chances here at Rolling Stone. In fact, taking chances is for the dead (R.I.P., everyone). Here’s how not to die (for a little while).

Scrounge together meals from festival literature, band merchandise and ironic affectation

Press your lips against the bare skin of a stranger, proceed to suck moisture from their dermis. It’s a symbiotic relationship! You get hydrated and they look like they have a buncha hickies in weird spots.

Hurt yourself so you can stay in the first aid tent FOR FREE!

The 14th release by children’s educational music group Mr. Wobbles and the Silly Billies is more of the same light-hearted beats but integrates a more sophisticated lyrical approach to familiar childhood pastimes. Their previous release, Dinosaurs Are Scary, But Also Cool, cemented their sound, with both traditional instruments (acoustic guitars, xylophones and rattles) and untraditional (a jar of baby food dropped on the ground). This 23-song LP explores a variety of topics that will open any child’s (or any child at heart’s) eyes to the world around them in a fun and groovy way. Standout tracks include the starting track “Mommy and Daddy Have Really Long Hugs” and “Why do I Feel Funny When I Rub Myself on Furniture?” Track 6, “Learning About Numbers (9/11 Was an Inside Job)” has stellar production, although some of the lyrical content seems like an odd departure from the overall tone of the release. Either way, Mr. Wobbles and the Silly Billies are an act to keep your eye on. Wiggles, watch your back.

Gather broken guitar pieces for kindling Get a fire permit

To Build A Fire:

Instagram it

Light fire permit on fire and throw it onto teepee

Think for 30 seconds that only you can prevent forest fires Pile guitar pieces in a teepee formation

ILLUSTRATION BY ROBIN BETZ

How to Appear Cool

(To People You Don’t Know and Will Probably Never Talk To) You don’t want that girl with flower hair thinking you’re a square, do you?

Let go of your mom’s hand DON’T PEE YOUR PANTS DON’T PEE YOUR PANTS DON’T PEE YOUR PANTS DON’T PEE YOUR PANTS

Eat a weed so your breath smells like you’ve been smoking Stop talking about Doctor Who for one goddamn second

Clip a playing card to the spokes of your bike so it sounds like a motorcycle!

Cool Ranch Doritos!

Get a lot of money Buy a big house Throw a lot of parties Win over that girl you liked during the war

The Red Hot Chili Peppers’ new album, Capsicum Burn, sees the aging funk-rockers explore milder sonic territory. The band aims to appeal to a broader audience after previous albums, such as Habanero Heat and Jalapeño, proved to be too spicy for the average listener.

Capsicum contains just the right level of heat.

The songs, featuring lead singer Anthony Kiedis’ trademark inane ramblings about California, truly capture the American zeitgeist. The lyrics are filled with references to the complacency and confusion gripping the American public at the end of decades of economic prosperity. This album is a reflection of Kiedis’ image of America onto itself of him.

His genius, however, is not in his brilliant social commentary, but that he was able to convey this message using only a series of grunts resembling the 58 counties that make up the Golden State.

TOP 100

Ways to Tell Someone’s Enjoying a Concert More Than You 11. He’s nodding his head like “yeah,” moving his hips like “yeah.”

10. She’s viewing it in HD through her iPad’s retina display 9. His brother knows the bassist, kind of 8. She appears to be smoking a “jazz cigarette” 7. He’s currently making love to a chimichanga 6. She’s not stuck working this fucking shift until 11 5. He planned ahead and brought brass knuckles to a mosh pit 4. Your medication makes you feel numb and not in the good way 3. She’s tweeting it a lot 2. You just remembered your crushing student debt

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May 1, 2013

Khanquering the Charts

EDITORIAL Other Band Member is a Dick!

BY SOME LEAD SINGER

The One You Love To Love

F

PHOTO BY COLE STEFFENSEN

BY COLE STEFFENSEN ______________________________________________________________

A

nyone who hasn’t been living under a rock, provided that rock wasn’t in earshot of the Mongolian steppe, has probably heard of Bathukan Bathukan. With the release of his first single, “Punggung Besar (feat. 2 Chainz),” it feels like the 2010s have finally found their sound. The ‘80s had hair metal and pop divas, the ‘90s had grunge rock and boy bands, and now Bathukan joins the ranks as the icon of the ‘10s.

It really shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. When Bathukan first came onto the scene in 2012, his “bigger-than-Genghis” persona made him the hot-ticket item in the music scene. Offering backup glottal stops for artists like Rihanna, Jay-Z, and even Skrillex, Bathukan already had some serious clout before releasing that legendary single. And who could forget that remix of Katy Perry’s “Horses N Bowz,” in which Bathukan imitated the sound of a horse giving birth for 13 minutes straight?

Now, in his first album, Bathukan has already defined his sound and style. When he vibrates his soft palette in “Bersifat Perkauman Ini,” we feel the pain of having your wife leave you for a man who owns more hunting falcons. In “Ya Mungkin,” you can’t help but want to be in the club with Bathukan and his friends, popping bottles of Borgio (Mongolia’s oldest and most prestigious lager) like you don’t have to herd sheep the next morning, or whatever

it is that they do in Mongolia. The album is just downright fun. It brings us back to a time when kids didn’t need iPhones to enjoy themselves, or crossbows to kill invading tribes. It’s catchy, it’s snappy, and it’s so totally “tseejiin khondiin-y.”

That’s not to say that he always plays it safe either — there’s a lot of room for experimentation with different techniques, branching out from the poppy uruulyn to more of the new-wave bagalzuuryn style that’s been taking over the scene as of late. You can tell how much thought he’s put into the throat reverberations and the rhythmic chest-smacking, all in order to craft an album that really resonates, but isn’t afraid to be bold.

Despite his obvious dedication and the record mastering by Sleepy Brown, the album isn’t perfect. The blogosphere was ignited in November of last year, when artist Enkhbuutu called out Bathukan over Twitter, posting, “Bathukan jus a [sic] stealin punk… real Gs [sic] kno where the ORIGINAL @.”

This accusation prompted a firestorm in the throat-singing world, and led to many comparisons between the two artists. And in the album itself, you can see where Enkhbuutu is coming from.

Some of Bathukan’s songs feel at their worst unoriginal, sounding almost scarily like past artists Tuupakkhan and Biighii Suumall.

But in the end, is Bathukan stealing, or just looking back? Whatever the case, the kid has talent, and some things to say. Like your mother always told you, don’t look a gift Bayarlalaa in the Bayartai.

Just sit back and remember to “biy zasah gazar haana ve.”

uck that guy. Seriously.

Dude’s just — don’t even get me started. I mean, what the hell happened to the guy I used to skip class with to smoke weed by the river? What happened to the guy I started a band with? That guy was great, but now? He’s a completely different person.

You wouldn’t believe what he’s doing to the band. A while back, he was like, “Hey man, I don’t think you should keep bringing random girls to practice just to impress them, it’s toxic to the group.” Toxic to the group?

What is he even thinking? Is he even thinking? I’m the lead singer!

Sex appeal oozes from my every pore — along with cold sweat, because SOMEBODY thought it would be a good idea if I stopped doing heroin. He sounds like my sister — though that’d be weird if he was my sister, because she and he are really close. This summer, I even walked in on them in a bed together, but it was okay, because he was heating her up after she got hypothermia from falling into our pool.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, the girls. As a lead singer, I feed on sexual energy, which is why I need to bring girls I’ve just met to practice. Otherwise, I’m just singing to the large throwing-axe collection Janie’s dad keeps in the garage we use for practice space. I wonder what that was like growing up?

Oh, and last month, he came up to me going all, “I wrote a new song, and I was wondering if we could try it out.” Can you believe it? A guitarist, who doesn’t even sing, wrote a song, and he thinks we should play it. I thought he was joking. I mean, he always used to joke about that, like in seventh grade, when he told me his grandma died, or in high school, when he said he was thinking about going to college. I nearly fell over laughing — but it turns out he was serious. Usually, I’d feel sorry for him, but I’ve put up with enough of his crap. I put him in his place, though; I told him I call the shots around here. That shut him up — shut him up real good.

Since then, though, things have been getting even worse.

Every time I see him, he’s got something to say, like, “I wish you wouldn’t show up two hours late for practice,” “not today, I’m at my cousin’s wedding,” or, “okay, I seriously need a ride to the hospital; I think I’m losing lost a lot of blood.”

You know, lately, I’ve been getting the idea that he told the rest of the band that I changed my phone number? It all adds up if you think about it: I haven’t heard anything about practice in about a month, and the rest of the band doesn’t even return my calls — even my sweet, lovable Diego. What a selfish jerk.

Adele Announces New Avant-Garde Black Metal Project

PHOTO BY TREV MALONE

Everybody loves Adele, no matter what … right?

BY TREV MALONE ______________________________________________________________

G

rammy-winning English songstress Adele announced a new album by way of a video press release, coupling her announcement with the release of her first single this week, exciting critics and shocking fans internationally. Her newest album, 23 (Bathtubs of Filth), is a departure from her previous releases 19 and 21, a move Adele says is intentional and a “fresh change” from her earlier work (19 was inspired by her age at the time; 21 is a nod to the number of nominations she received for 19). “[For 23,] I wanted to do something out of my comfort zone,” Adele said. “Something that people didn’t expect from me. Avantgarde black metal was something that I felt was perfect for my third album, and it’s also a challenge for me physically and artistically, which I like,” she added as she poured powdered bleach into a White Russian.

Although the first album is slated for release on June 6, Adele hinted that her first single, “Born in Acid/Die in Acid,” is a good indication of the direction for this newest LP. The 14-minute song has a backbeat of pans being thrown onto a parking garage floor and is overlaid by a track of Adele screaming. A sound sample of a chicken being decapitated and samplings from Adele’s infant son screaming into a baby monitor are also used on the record.

“The sound is dark, but it reflects what I felt during this particular time in my life,” Adele said, pausing. “This one time, I went to Tesco and they’d run all out of pulp-free orange juice. It was awful. I left my son in the produce aisle. I came back and got him around five minutes later after I browsed the cereal. I don’t want to talk about it,” she continued.

The new path Adele has garnered glowing reviews and excite-

ment among critics, most notably Famine of the blog Black Metal and Sadness Online Review, which called the new single “not totally boring” and gave it 2.5 out of 5 bleeding ears.

Many fans initially questioned Adele’s decision to make such a drastic artistic change, but some have, in recent weeks, become more receptive to her new sound. Many of her fans have been particularly vocal across the social media platform Twitter, causing hashtags like #WhatFilth’sInYourBathtub, #HailOurDarkSirenAdele and #SeriouslyAreMyEarsBleedingRightNow to take the Internet by storm in recent weeks.

Orange County housewife, longtime Adele fan and occasional contributor to stay-at-home-mom zine The Neosporin Crew Brittany Cartwright was originally unsure about whether she would enjoy the interesting new musical path Adele has taken.

Cartwright commented, “At first, I’m not gonna lie, I was a little put off. But after I listened a few times and sacrificed two white oxen in a tribute to [Adele’s] lyrics ‘Throw your hemorrhaging baby/ out into the dumpster/ ivory bovine carcasses / won’t disrupt her,’ I really understood it. I’ve accepted The Darkness as my true savior because, let’s face it. This is Adele. I’m a sucker for anything she puts out! The girl can sing.

“And I totes love how she seems like a regular mom, like me,” Cartwright added, tossing a lit match into a laundry bag of infant-size socks.

Adele concluded her press release by swallowing a live bat.

Tabloids wrote that Adele was rushed to the hospital for a series of rabies vaccinations and booster shots, but no medical conditions were reported, and the album release will go through as planned.

James Bonaparte, a representative for Adele, said on behalf of the artist that her newest album will be on sale through digital download for a pint of human blood, a pentagram cut into the buyer’s chest, or $8.99.

Multi-award-winning Huntington Park thrash metal band Slayer has shocked fans with the release of their 12th studio album, The Christmas Album, which, as the name implies, contains holiday-themed songs intended to be enjoyed by a roaring fire with a cup of hot cocoa in hand. The album contains 18 tracks, 12 of which are covers of traditional Christmas songs, including “Angels We Have Heard on High” and “Silver Bells.”

Of the remaining tracks, five are original songs (including their first single for the album, “Rudolph’s Decapitation Was Santa’s Orgasm”) and one is a nine-minute sound clip of guitarist Kerry King explaining why he thinks Christmas is a “hateful propagation of religionist dogma,” that “begets hypercapitalist filth,” going on to state “[it] brings out the worst in people.” King explains that this is why the band chose to release the album in April — to “reinforce our fans’ atheism.” In fact, King says the inspiration behind the album lies in the season’s “nice smells.” The Christmas Album is Slayer’s most original and high-octane since Reign in Blood and is sure to warm your heart this summer.

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Jennifer Lawrence Too Likeable:

Films to Include Gun Control

Resorts to Killing Puppies

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

BY ANDREW DENERIS

______________________________________________________________

I PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

BY WESLEY CHAN

______________________________________________________________

B

eing universally loved by doting strangers is a dream come true for millions of young adults around the world — unless your name is Jennifer Lawrence. Tired of all the praise she’s been given for being “candid,” “witty,” and “genuine,” Lawrence has decided (under the direction of her PR firm) to film herself killing puppies in order to cultivate an edgier reputation, so as to not become typecast as America’s favorite sweetheart who also happens to be a total badass with bows and arrows.

Such a move is being lambasted by the likes of the popular micro-blogging platform, Tumblr.

“Animated .gifs of Jennifer Lawrence tripping, smiling, and doing anything else considered endearing or worthy of a ‘like’ are responsible for over 87% of our traffic and potential revenue,” Tumblr CEO David Karp said in an official statement. “The more puppies she kills, the less people will repost images of her.”

So who gets reposted instead? “Second-tier heroes,” according to Karp.

“No more Katniss from The Hunger Games; without a role model to look after, children will just reblog pictures of mediocre nobodies like Hawkeye and the Black Widow from The Avengers, or, God forbid, Aquaman,” said Karp. “Do you really want that to be the direction of our culture? Reveling a bunch of characters

and actors that have no lasting impression, nor any real superpowers?”

Physicists say there is no reason to worry, however. According to cutting-edge research conducted by the renowned DeVry University, the amount of charisma that surrounds Jennifer Lawrence has enough gravitational force to pull in fans and non-fans alike — being a puppy-killer has no effect on that gravitational pull.

This news was discouraging to Lawrence, who commented that she just wishes she could experience the same feelings that “normal” people experience, such as indifference from 99.9% of the world population, or even mockery from 95% of the human population, such as what happens to Bono (the other 5% are reportedly conflicted as to how to reason between his contributions to music and disaster relief efforts and his STD-inspired name).

“It’s really surprising how much power her doe-eyed expressions, rosy cheeks, and quirky sensibilities have to pull in the attentions of people around the globe,” DeVry’s lead researcher Adam O’Malley said. “We’re now trying to find a way now to harness that energy into nuclear warfare.”

At press time, Lawrence was reportedly quitting acting to go to college to pursue a degree in nuclear physics.

Hollywood Ends Racism: Centuries of Bigotry Unravel One Heartwarming Tale of Triumph at a Time

n support of the Obama administration’s bid for stricter gun control laws, the Motion Picture Association of America released a mandate demanding that all new films produced by U.S. studios “portray guns and gun-related activities in a manner consistent with proposed gun control laws currently before Congress.” In addition, the mandate states that some past films involving guns will need to be remade using these new regulations.

“After recent gun-related tragedies, we here in Hollywood want to show solidarity with the gun control movement,” MPAA Public Relations Director Megan Wolff said in a statement on these new regulations. “And we’re feeling kind of guilty since the release of the third Gun Party Massacre sequel,” she added.

“Plus, Americans only seem to learn things like moral values and spelling through film,” she stated.

Filmmakers appear to be taking this mandate very seriously.

Rolling Stone has received exclusive copies of scripts of extra scenes to be inserted in recent and blockbuster films. A Blu-Ray rerelease of Skyfall, for example, will feature a scene in which James Bond files paperwork for a background check and waits a week before receiving his MI6-issued weaponry.

The Matrix will be modified such that characters using automatic weapons will not carry more than one magazine at a time.

As a result, the movie’s climactic scene, a massive gun fight between Keanu Reeve’s character Neo and the Agents, will be shortened by about 5 minutes. Additionally, Keanu Reeves’ scenes will be reshot in order to remove his concealed weapons, as he is never shown to have received a concealed carry permit.

President Obama’s press secretary Jay Carney reacted positively to these and other changes to classic Hollywood films due to the administration’s push for gun control.

“Hopefully when the American public sees that our proposed gun control laws still allow for spellbinding action thrillers, they’ll be more supportive of our plans,” he said, “We’ve always been able to rely on Hollywood to support the liberal agenda, and these changes are no exception.”

The movie-going public, however, seems more skeptical than Mr. Carney lets on. After a screening of a modified version of The Dark Knight, viewer Alan Rodman complained, “I can’t believe they actually showed entire, uncut scenes of Batman filling out and signing forms in order to hold the weapons that he uses in the movie.

“I mean, he’s a masked vigilante for God’s sake, why does he give a shit about gun laws?”

TOP 100

Unnecessary Prequels

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

______________________________________________________________

I

t is not uncommon to arrive at a movie theater box office to see show times for sequels, explosion-filled time wasters, and the perennial Oscar winner’s movie where he or she stars after working in a Malaysian sweatshop for six months to truly understand their character. Only infrequently do we see movies like 42, in which Harrison Ford plays an integral part in chipping away at the years of racial corrosion accumulated by the United States.

Although the charming rogue smuggler-turned-baseballfranchise-owner is depicted as overcoming years of racism in America, his efforts do not stand alone. Other movies like Remember the Titans, Glory Road, White Men Can’t Jump, and The Last Samurai all depict the slow degradation of the color barrier preventing minorities from entering previously inaccessible arenas solely due to the color of their skin, with the help of gracious and oftentimes beautiful white people.

The tale of Jackie Robinson breaking into an otherwise allwhite professional baseball league is both an inspiring story of perseverance and a chilling reminder of just how pervasive such blatant and cruel racism was only a couple of generations ago.

It is not out of memory that Hollywood was a bigger avenue for movies that depicted different races in a negative light like Birth of a Nation, Planet of the Apes, and White Chicks, but thanks to the efforts of whites, racism has been all but erased from the face of the Earth.

As we are deep in the era of affirmative action and political correctness, the use of the “n-word” in movies, while a tribute to

the authenticity of the era, is surprising for the everyday moviegoer to hear especially as the racist opposing team manager in 42 rhythmically chants it to unnerve Jackie Robinson during the game. Ultimately, this seems to be a testament to either the collapse of racist ideologies in this country or the immaturity of the audience to accept nudity and violence but not words with archaic meaning, and is a true testament to how far our society has strayed away from the path of being racist.

Nonetheless, the acting pair of Chadwick Boseman and Harrison Ford in the baseball player-franchise owner relationship of Jackie Robinson and Branch Rickey, respectively, shows how a friendship can overcome racial slurs and threats of violence, and how white people have been so helpful in eliminating racism.

This friendship between Robinson and Rickey ultimately forges a massively profitable story for movie executives nearly 70 years later as crowds feeling “white guilt” would line up to watch a moving picture encapsulation of one of the most already known successes in breaking the color barrier in history, but leave feeling good that because they have watched and enjoyed that movie, they are not racist.

Despite the best attempts by Hollywood to capitalize on the heartwarming efforts by minority athletes trying to break into sports, it still has ground to cover in slightly more obscure but equally relevant scenarios. An eye must be kept out by Hollywood executives for minority athletes still trying to break into various professional sports leagues like black athletes into professional hockey or any non-white athlete into NASCAR.

68. February of the Penguins 67. Snakes on the Ground 66. Judd Apatow’s Lovable Schlub 65. Almost Almost Famous 64. Battleship: The Board Game 63. Slumdog 62. Mr. Magorium’s Used Car Emporium 61. Backdoor Sluts 8 60. Jean Valjean, Hungry Upstanding Citizen 59. My Big Fat Greek Girlfriend

Why settle for a human form?

Free bear bodies while supplies last.

Tuesdays. 6 p.m. Half Dome.

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theMQ.org

May 1, 2013

Sherlock Inspires Mystery, Tumblr Erotica

HBO Acquires Sesame Street: Adds More Nudity, Violence

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

BY ALISON GILCHRIST

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F PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

BY AMANDA RODRIGUEZ, 14-YEAR-OLD

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ith its suspense-filled editing, rapid-fire dialogue, and moments you can totally make into rebloggable GIF sets to fit any range of emotions from “life sucks” to “I’m happy and it’s confusing” to “life sucks,” Sherlock is a worthwhile and smart modern-day adaptation of the classic Sir Arthur Conan Doyle stories.

Sherlock tells the story of Sherlock Holmes (Benedict Cumberbatch, who is really really HOT!!) living in modern-day London and solving crimes with the local police department. He lives and works with John Watson (Martin Freeman, who is totes adorable!), a former military doctor who also blogs about the duo’s various mystery-solving adventures. They solve mysteries every week, and there have been many hints that they are also a gay couple (I have a couple of examples on my Johnlock blog, elementary-my-dear-lover-watson.tumblr.com) from series creator Steven Moffat (my idol!!!!!!!!).

Whereas Doyle’s stories took place in the late 1800s, Moffat’s revamp places the series in the present, with the cases, tools, and people all getting modern twists. Sherlock and Watson text incessantly, a communication method that seems befitting of the neurotic detective and also allows viewers to interact with the narrative by making lots of screencaps to create photosets that make it seem like Holmes and Watson are texting each other love notes.

The cases that the quirky detective and his partner take one

have also been updated for the modern times. Doyle’s first story, “A Study in Scarlet,” has updated in TV episode form with the more accessible title “A Study in Pink.” The episode serves as the show’s pilot episode, in which Sherlock and Watson are acquainted for the first time (in the first event of their love-timeline!) as they work together and grow to appreciate each other’s quirks, ultimately to track down a serial murderer who seemingly forces his victims to kill themselves.

It’s a breathtaking case, following Sherlock and Watson on a desperate chase around London to track down the mysterious killer before he strikes again, which culminates (spoiler) in a face-off between Sherlock and the murderous cabbie, and just as it seems as though Sherlock will die, Watson SHOOTS THE CABBIE FROM ANOTHER ROOM ENTIRELY!!! Watson is such a badass and also a cutie!! This is one of the moments that is featured especially prominently on my Johnlock blog, because Sherlock’s longing gaze at Watson holding his smoking gun clearly reveals his deep sexual attraction to his flatmate-slash-crime-solvingpartner-slash-life-partner. Gay rights are such a hot-button issue right now and Sherlock is diving right into the deep end with Sherlock and John’s relationship!

I’ve only seen this single episode so far (no seriously though, I’m gonna for real hole myself up this weekend with Netflix and some cat GIFs!), but I can already tell that this is going to be an AMAZING story of love and lust and the sex scenes between Sherlock and Watson are going to be SO HOTTTTT! I can’t wait! And follow my personal blog, watsonxsherlock4eva.tumblr.com!!!!!

New Reality TV Show: Hoarders (Child Edition)

ollowing the recent success of programs such as Game of Thrones and Girls, HBO executives announced last week that the network had acquired the rights to Sesame Street, with plans to update the show for to fit the interests of modern, cynical and increasingly sex-fixated audience.

“We ran some episode ideas by our focus groups and got fairly uniform responses,” Josh Green, Director of Oedipal Complexes at HBO, said. “They’d like to see a more physical romance develop between Big Bird and Alice Snuffleupagus, and they’d like to see Kermit the Frog grapple with something like anger management or the death of a loved one, perhaps Miss Piggy. But mostly, they want more sex scenes, which, with puppets, can be a challenge. A lot of awkward, lingering hands. We’re working on it.”

Recent test showings have offered insight to HBO’s reboot of the series. The network last week introduced viewers to a brand new character, Scandy Monster, a young female puppet outfitted in short-shorts and a tube top who takes to the screen to educate and inform the public about the dangers of “fire” and “cooties.”

Critical and public responses were largely positive, although the network received complaints that Susie’s segment “had too many sentences” and that the material “bummed [viewers] out” due to “not enough boobs.” HBO, in an attempt to meet subscriber demands, altered Susie’s segment, removing all spoken dialogue and replacing it with footage of Susie demonstrating the correct posture necessary for utilizing a fireman’s pole and showing viewers what to do if all of your clothes suddenly catch fire while you’re wearing them and there’s no water to be found.

“Last week, [Scandy] went on and on about staying safe or some crap like that,” Steve Harper, pornography critic at RottenTomatoes.com, said. “And while the character development of Scandy learning how to cope with fire is appreciable, everyone just wanted to see some hecka sexy puppet midriff at the end of the day.”

HBO is also looking into the possibility of adding more fight scenes to what has traditionally been a relatively violence-free show. Although some parents have complained that the recent slapstick is “too gory,” HBO has chosen to portray a Sesame Street that more accurately depicts life on the streets. Episodes called “Elmo Gets A Car for Free” and “Bert and Ernie Discover Xanax” are already in the works to teach children about stealing and drugs from a fresh perspective.

“Ideally, we’d like to inject a little more excitement into the daily lives of our favorite Muppets,” Amy Marlin, Fake Blood Coordinator at HBO, said. “I mean, for God’s sake, Cookie Monster is obviously overeating out of boredom. I say we give him a hobby — and what better way to keep our fans intrigued than by giving Cookie Monster a gun and, better yet, a motive?”

Other characters will receive similar makeovers. New scripts for Count von Count depict him volunteering to count visitors at a blood donation booth and going on a bloodthirsty rampage, pausing only to count the number of victims and laugh maniacally. Oscar the Grouch, recently revealed to be a heroin addict, has an altercation with a drug dealer that results in a full-scale gang war — and three-episode arc — between Cookie Monster’s Chocolate Chips (the Chips) and Big Bird’s rival faction, the Chirps.

“Look, all we want is a lively, sexy reboot of a classic American show,” explained Lloyd Castle, former writer of The Wire and current Director of Gang Violence at HBO. “We think that the best way to do that is describe life on the Street as it really is, not sugarcoat it with ABCs and 123s. Oh, and add prostitutes. Lots of prostitutes.”

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

BY SORA CHEE

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n an effort to diverge from the norm of exploitation and voyeurism in reality TV shows, A&E announced plans to air a special season premiere of the hit documentary program Hoarders, a reality series dedicated to depicting the struggles of those who suffer from a clinical obsession with hoarding children.

The new season opens with an episode featuring Erica and Jared Rosenberg, a middle-aged married couple who began to show symptoms of a hoarding disorder after they lost their beloved cat, Lancelot, to a tragic case of subcutaneous flea infestation.

To cope with their loss, the Rosenbergs took in a stray child they found in a decorative vase while shopping in the garden ornaments section of their local Ikea. The couple renamed the child, then around four years old, Lancelot Jr., and allowed him to sleep in Lancelot’s old cat bed in their guest room.

The child, unlike the original Lancelot, was less interested in the cat bed and more interested in climbing the Rosenbergs’ carpeted cat tree structure. But the couple soon discovered that one human being couldn’t quite fill the void Lancelot had left behind in their hearts. By the time a camera crew arrived earlier this month, the Rosenberg residence was overflowing with over 15 filthy, half-starved children “adopted” from various establishments around town.

“We kept finding ourselves going back to Chuck E. Cheese.

Whenever we saw children who reminded us of Lancelot, we’d bring them home with us,” Mr. Rosenberg said as he poured Lucky Charms Cereal into a litter box that Mrs. Rosenberg had conveniently converted into a food trough for the children.

“Sometimes, bringing them home was just out of instinct. There was always plenty to scavenge in the ball pit,” he continued.

Concerned with the welfare of the Rosenbergs and the squalid living conditions of the couple’s residence, family members con-

tacted A&E hoarding specialist and show creator Mark Inglewood, who graduated with a bachelor’s degree in Yahoo! Answers Research from Capella eUniversity.

“Traumatic life events, such as stifled romantic relationships or the loss of a loved one, may trigger hoarding, according to user Jenii091292 from Yahoo! Answers,” Inglewood reported.

“My Yahoo! Answers searches have concluded that situation the Rosenbergs are in is a dire one,” Inglewood continued. “In order to ensure they receive all the help they need ASAP, I strongly suggest that they completely bypass the long, drawn-out process of talking as therapy and move straight onto dumping out whatever the hell crap they’ve hoarded over these past few years. Because hoard … my … God … this shit is crazy.”

The show chronicles the formation, training and entry of a professional team of investigators specially trained to recognize and rescue hoarded children called the Kid I-denti-FIND-ers.

The team enters and begins to reclaim the children, and Mr. and Mrs. Rosenberg are confronted with more psychological turmoil that bubbles to the surface once the investigative team leaves with the children.

“Now that my life is nothing but an empty shell devoid of meaning, who will assure me that life is worth living? That I should still get up in the morning? That I’m not going to die alone?” she exclaimed. One clip shows Mrs. Rosenberg asking herself as she sleeps in a twin bed adjacent to one occupied by Mr. Rosenberg. Jessi’s separation’s comes after the realization that the organizing teams forgot to confiscate Lancelot’s carcass from the basement freezer.

While critics called A&E’s misguided attempt to diverge from the norm of reality TV “appalling,” “overly sensationalistic,” and “barely preferable to watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo with English subtitles,” others have praised the show’s originality and relatability.

This week’s episode of Two and a Half Men was a return to form for the show’s longstanding quality of content. In an 11th hour contract negotiation, the show’s laugh track and producers finally squared away a new, $12 million-an-episode deal.

After Uncle Studio Audience’s five-episode “trip to Bora Bora,” the favorite character came back in a big way, answering some big questions in the show. When were we supposed to laugh?

Was that last sentence just dialogue or a joke? Is anyone on the show actually funny or just overacting to make up for it?

Turns out, after half a season of mystery, the jokes were all those times when the kid said something about sex, and when Ashton Kutcher made that face like he was waiting for something. I’m sure a lot of us are kicking ourselves for not figuring out that one sooner. Now onto the bigger mysteries of the season: Will some of the characters have sex? Will one of them say something degrading about women? Only time will tell. In the meantime I’m just glad I know when to laugh again.

theMQ.org

May 1, 2013

Page 11

OFFICE HOURS

24 Returns for Ninth Season

Summer TV Spotlight

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

BY ALLIE KIEKHOFER

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tudents may be wrapping up their studies for the summer in coming weeks, but the zany antics of these four teaching assistants are just getting started. In the latest addition to NBC’s Thursday night lineup, the haphazardly located quartet, sharing adjacent offices in the T.A. suite of Meldford University, find themselves bonding over life, love, loss, and multitudes of students who can’t even cite in proper MLA fashion. Watch Cheryl, Francesca, Alvin, and Keith antic their way straight into each other’s hearts and your own.

Travis Harmon, cousin of acclaimed writer Dan Harmon, presents viewers with a stellarly realized cast. Curmudgeonly art history T.A. Cheryl is sure to draw in older audiences who can relate to her difficulties at returning to school after over 20 years as a crafts instructor at the local recreation center. Watch as she tries to adjust the volume to show the students in her discussion section a YouTube video of her trip with her husband to the MOMA when she and her husband went to visit her sister-in-law Nancy when she got tenure!

Meanwhile, existential philosophy T.A. Francesca represents the zeitgeist of Generation Y, constantly asking questions like, “What is the true exalted purpose of life if we all die one day?” and “Why is everyone so loud right now when I’m CLEARLY trying to read?” Watch as she stares off into the distance pondering the implications of human action on the course of reality from a

Hobbesian standpoint. Trust us, it’s exciting to watch.

Francesca is perfectly foiled by Keith, who is rarely seen without a joint in his possession, but always without a care in the world. Why wear a shirt when the breeze feels so good on his patchy chest hair? As carefree and laid-back as Keith is, he still cares deeply for the students in his history classes and will always be in his office hours to offer them help — or a hit from his freshly packed glass pipe Leopold.

And then there’s Alvin. What subject does Alvin teach? Why is he always smiling so widely? No one knows, but he’s everyone’s friend! He’ll laugh his way through every episode, brightening everyone’s day with his joviality and shenanigans, until he remembers the tragic death of his brother in an accident five years ago. But that’s all in the past now! He’s so happy and satisfied being a T.A. now, right? Right? Right.

Despite the strongly developed characters, the plot points sometimes default to tired television cliches. The group’s frequent meetings at obvious TGI Friday’s knockoff O’Callahan’s are reminiscent of the characters of Friends’ weekly meetups at Central Perk — and no one on the show is remotely attractive, not even for a sitcom cast. Still, the writing and acting is promising enough to keep us coming to the Graduate Student Building to hang out at Office Hours.

Review: CNN Newsroom

epresentatives from Bravo announced that the cable television network had completed principal photography and begun filming a 24-episode ninth season of the Fox original series 24, starring Kiefer Sutherland as retired Counter Terrorist Unit agent Jack Bauer. The ninth season, to be called “Day 9,” will pick up in 2013 and follow Jack Bauer as he attempts to plan the perfect birthday party for his now six-year-old granddaughter, Teri Bauer, in a span of 24 hours.

The announcement comes almost a full three years after 24’s 2010 series finale and follows repeated rumors of a possible feature film adaptation, a Broadway musical and a line of 24-inspired children’s toys. All three were put on hold after Fox opted to release a limited-edition DVD with 72 hours of never-beforeseen footage of Jack Bauer going to the bathroom.

“Day 9,” as the season will be called, begins with Jack locked up in a storage locker, having lost the key while putting daughter Kim’s lawn furniture away for the fall. He gets a call from Kim asking if he can go to Baskin Robbins to pick up the mint chocolate chip ice cream princess birthday cake for Teri’s party — here, the action begins.

Actor Kiefer Sutherland, who returns as Jack Bauer in this ninth season, discussed his thoughts on how he believes Jack has evolved as a character. “Jack faces some tough challenges in these episodes — he’s definitely not the idealistic, undoubting patriot he was back in season one,” Sutherland said. “Even early on in the season, in episodes three through five, he goes to Parties R Us and has to choose between latex and Mylar balloons — and it really puts him to the test.”

Showrunner Howard Gordon, who has taken a hiatus from Showtime’s Homeland to return to the set for the ninth season, assured 24 viewers that the show would hold on to the gritty aesthetic that attracted fans when it premiered in 2001. He has disclosed that midway through the season, Bauer will learn that the birthday cake has neapolitan, not mint chocolate chip ice cream inside, and the discovery sends him on a bender in which he watches eight straight episodes of Semi-Homemade Cooking With Sandra Lee and tries halfheartedly to do a Sudoku puzzle (this portion takes up episodes 12 through 14 of 24).

The series’ return has already attracted several corporate sponsors, among them Baskin Robbins, Evite.com (from which Jack sends out last-minute party invitations), Roseart, which, to Teri’s dismay, will provide disappointing party favors, and 5-Hour Energy, which will released a limited-edition, non-FDA-approved 24-Hour Energy shot in conjunction with the show’s return. Bauer will drive a Honda Odyssey outfitted with a backup camera, booster seats, a DVD player and a pocket for an iPod touch that no one ever remembers to charge. The show has thus far been filmed on location in New York City, with most scenes filmed at CTU, or Children’s Tumbling Unit, not to be confused with the Counter Terrorist Unit of previous seasons.

The ninth season will feature a host of new cast members — Josh Radnor, better known as Ted Mosby on CBS’s How I Met Your Mother, will appear as a passive-aggressive moon bounce rental manager named Aaron Roth, who Jack initially suspects before he realizes that Roth’s anger comes from his unfulfilling romantic life. Vice President Joe Biden will make a cameo as himself in line at Baskin Robbins in the third episode. Aside from Sutherland, who will return to the franchise, returning cast members include Mary Lynn Rajskub as Chloe O’Brian. The show will retain its quota of three “Damn it, Chloe!” outbursts per episode once it returns in September.

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

BY ZAC HANN

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he Cable News Network’s CNN Newsroom is a massive undertaking by the network founded by Ted Turner in 1980. In an attempt to fill its entire channel with programming, CNN appears to have bitten off more than it can chew with a headline show that airs seven days a week. While most television programs air an hour or half an hour of footage per week, CNN Newsroom fights for attention with hours of footage every day. After a few minutes of watching the program, it’s clear why this is a mistake.

The writers have obviously spread themselves too thin. The plots of each show quickly become repetitive and unoriginal, bringing up the same themes over and over again, especially wars in the Middle East and the legislative process in the United States Congress. While it’s understandable that coming up with quality content so often is unreasonable and exhausting, some of the writers don’t appear to have ever taken a screenwriting class. Several plotlines end after a few minutes of footage without a conflict ever having emerged: a charity barbeque in North Dakota, celebrities giving birth to children, a make-at-home recipe for a vegetable-bacon quiche.

The script violates the writer’s motto every few seconds: “Show, don’t tell.” Characters are all introduced in the same clumsy way: with a banner revealing their name and occupation.

Usually, after a few minutes of screen time, the characters are never seen again, leaving the audience wondering who they were and what they have to do with Bashar al-Assad’s regime. There is sickening overuse of narration, as if the show’s producers have a

passionate hatred of letting viewers figure out anything for themselves.

If Newsroom’s writers are bad, its actors are worse. They speak almost exclusively in an unappealing monotone, and rarely look anywhere except directly into the camera. Their lack of facial expressions and emotions prevent us from identifying with their characters. They’re just not real. The costume designer’s choice of putting everyone in a suit or other professional attire lend the show the impression that all of the actors are at work, telling each other stories simply because they’re paid to do so; they are entirely unrelatable.

Furthermore, the show’s “star” actors (if you can even call them that) portray characters that seem to have no plotlines whatsoever; although they appear in almost every scene, nothing is revealed about the anchors’ or reporters’ lives, loves, or foibles.

Once, one of the female characters became pregnant, but other than one or two nauseatingly banal pleasantries from her screenmates, the gestation was entirely ignored by the writers despite the fact that it was dragged out over, literally, months of episodes.

The one tip of my hat I’ll give to CNN Newsroom is that the actor they’ve found to play President Barack Obama is spot-on. Not only is his appearance miraculously similar to the president’s, but his voice, mannerisms, and body-language are obviously very well-rehearsed: he’s simply overflowing with talent and will be a name to watch in the coming years. Unfortunately, we don’t know his name due to the director’s bizarre choice to omit a cast list from the show’s ending credits.

All in all, I give the show’s sloppy execution and unoriginality two thumbs down.

HBO’s high-octane fantasy program Game of Thrones has been an exercise in suspense from the start. The audience immediately fell for Brandon Stark, even if his storyline never really got on its feet. In season one, it was unclear where Ned Stark’s (Sean Bean) storyline would be headed, but our hats are off to the skillful way his scenes were executed.

For a while, it seemed as though Danaerys Targaryen’s storyline was destined to drag on. Her brother, Viserys (Harry Lloyd), wasn’t quite worth his weight in gold, with his personality always about to reach the boiling point. The scenes with Daenerys and her Dothraki husband, Kal Drogo, seemed lifeless. Despite his drop-dead gorgeous physique, the acting ability Jason Momoa was smothered by that of his counterpart.

Who didn’t love dark and shadowy Renly Baratheon, with his stabbing gaze? (Though we couldn’t keep his story straight.)

We also must give a hand to Jaime’s Lannister’s (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) performance in the new season. We would be prepared to say that the show is just as good as ever, but unfortunately, the amount of nudity in the new season has fallen off sharply.

Fortunately, the nudity will return in next week’s episode when Tyrion Lannister will show viewers his “Peter Dinklage.”

SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER RUNDOWN

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ummer’s right around the corner, and that means you will soon need refuge from the violent oppression of the sun. And what better refuge than a movie theater: hormone-addled employees, popcorn, and a high probability someone peed a little in your chair once! These movies are our top picks for you to watch so that 17-year-old manager doesn’t kick you out for sitting in the lobby eating Buncha Crunch and sneering at moviegoers.

Jennifer Aniston stars as neurotic white man, but always seems to chase them of a man’s heart and learns that in order stick out of her ass. Even if you don’t see an airplane in a couple

Whooooosh!

Critically acclaimed actor Vin Diesel plays the role of a lifetime in the next installment of the Fast & Furious series. A young boy finds his way of life through his imagination and the sweet-ass Hot Wheels cars he plays with.

Join Vin Diesel on this wild ride as he discovers cars, sex, mashed peas, and women for the first time.

Tom Cruise plays an under prove himself to a world who Feel the thrill as he climbs a various actors who will be Tom Cruise

woman who is looking for a ff! Watch as she blunders into to love she needs to get that it now, you’re gonna see it on e of months.

rcover agent who has no choice but to o thinks he’s shorter than he actually is. an easily scalable wall. Also co-starring e filmed in such a manner as to make appear taller than 5’7”.

Craig has been harassed and bullied by his co-workers since he moved to a new office. But just as the bullying becomes too much, he encounters the Okinawan maintenance guy who teaches him karate in order to protect himself, before meeting the bullies in a fateful final confrontation at the office’s annual martial arts tournament.

You’ll wish you were friends with her, but by the end, you kind of won’t.

Ever wondered what Zooey Deschanel does in her everyday, day-to-day life? Well now you can see that it contains a surprising number of hummingbirds. This documentary exposé features exclusive scenes of Deschanel getting flustered as she tries to figure out the chords to “99 Problems” on her ukelele.