THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
December 4, 2013
“I can’t be everybody’s hero and villain. Savior and sinner. Christian and anti-Christ!” — Kathleen Sebelius,
U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services
Volume XX Issue III
You can’t do it, we can’t help.
Sun God Planning Committee to Cut Student Tickets from Festival
IN THIS ISSUE REPURPOSING YOUR WREATH
3
THE GOOD (COOK)BOOK
4
GUIDE TO THE LAB
6, 7 8
LETTERS TO SANTA DINING DOLLARS SPENT ON GIFTS
10
NEWS IN BRIEF PHOTO BY SORA CHEE
While many students were understandably disappointed by the news, security guards were excited at the prospect of getting in the bouncy castle more than once. BY KEVIN CHU
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Content Editor
n a report filed announcing potential changes to the 2014 Sun God Festival, the Sun God Planning Committee (SGPC) announced that student tickets would be eliminated for the upcoming May event in order to increase stu-
dent safety at the event. The no-student policy comes after the 2013 Sun God Festival saw rises in drug- and alcohol-related detox visits, emergency room transports, and reports of security guards being called “stupid fathead squares” by inebriated festivalgoers. “Our number one concern
this year is student safety,” said SGPC Director Deandra Williams. “Research into the matter has found that attending Sun God is the number one reason that students are drunk at Sun God.” The student fees that pay for the festival will still be put toward putting on Sun God 2014. While students will not
be allowed to attend the event, security guards, SGPC members, and other festival personnel will be able to enjoy all the festival has to offer, including the performance stages, the inflatable obstacle course, and the free water tent.
See SUN GOD, page 2
Domestic Christmas Light Shows Draw Displaced Ravers BY KATHERINE WOOD Staff Writer
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n response to police crackdowns on and cancellations of raves across the nation, San Diego youths have begun holding raves using Christmas light displays on neighborhood lawns as a substitute form of entertainment. “Domestic Christmas light shows are slightly safer environments that still provide all the major attractions of raves” San Diego Police Chief Angelina Zamora said. “They’ve got throngs of closely packed people, blindingly bright lights, and most importantly, deafening and endlessly repeating music!” Local teens have expressed excitement that going to visit yard decorations is finally gaining long-anticipated popularity among their peers. “I used to get majorly teased if anyone from school saw me while I was out looking at Christmas lights with my family,” said Zachary Rojas, a senior at Central High. “But now that everyone’s going to them, I’m seen as a trendsetter.” Other Christmas rave attendees have expressed enthusiasm about the abundance of holiday decor, like kandi canes, gum drops, and fake snow that’s really just powdered Ecstasy. “This reminds me of celebrating Christmas at my grandmother’s house,” yard rave attendee Melissa Fierhand said. “Lots of cheer and smiling faces, soft and fuzzy sweaters to rub your face in, a general spirit of goodwill and hospitality toward all humankind, and drugs everywhere!”
SCIENTISTS DISCOVER LIFE JUST A SERIES OF PUBERTIES ENDING IN DEATH Recent research reveals the human lifespan is a succession of puberties from childhood to death. “While the process by which humans reach physical sexual maturity is still very much within the range of ages 10 to 17, the awkwardness in human interaction, the surges of hormones gone awry, the fear of everyone out to eat you alive for their lunch money — that fear persists throughout our entire lives,” said UCSD biologist Milton Bynes, who spearheaded the study. After the initial puberty, adults then enter a second wave of puberty, in which insecurities shift from “how to successfully ask someone out to prom” to “how to successfully and seductively dance up on someone at the club without sloshing your drink all over them.” “Puberty for fortysomethings is when hormones
instigating passive-aggressiveness are at their highest levels,” elaborated Bynes. “There aren’t a lot of outlets out there for middle-aged sexual desire, so a lot of that anxiety is translated to binge buying at the prepared meals section of Whole Foods.” Only when people reach their golden years, ages fifty and beyond, does puberty begin to decline. “The elderly begin mellowing out because they finally start to understand that life is too short to squander it wearing cheap cologne and making voice memos secretly addressed to that cutie you’ve been eying instead of calling him straight up,” Bynes added. “Death is the final puberty,” he concluded. “But until then, there’s no escape from those awful scars all over my hands from touching certain people.”
NEW STUDY FINDS YOU CAN TOTALLY TAKE THAT GUY
The gifts were kind of meh, but the E was amazing. The often-overlooked domestic light display community is also pleased about their audience gain. “It’s gratifying that more people are beginning to appreciate our Yuletide light shows as the art form they really are,” said Michael Kitamura, Exalted Leader of the San Diego chapter of the Order of Yard Lights. “We try to push the boundaries of technology, performance art, and our neighbors’ late-night noise and light tolerance.” Kitamura is working on improving his show for next year, adjusting his light show to meet the requirements of the San Diego Airport Air Traffic Control domestic lighting restrictions after illuminations from his yard this year misled several airplanes, resulting in four crashes into his backyard in the month of November alone.
MANIACAL SNOWMAN CAUGHT AFTER 20-PERSON KILLING SPREE Victims killed in cold blood
Kitamura has also created a Kickstarter to fund his massive December electrical bill, which topped $40,000 in 2012, and is asking for contributions of “holiday goodwill and generosity in the form of cash payments.” “Preferably with as many zeros as Santa has reindeer,” he continued. “According to most sources, that’s eight.” High electricity bills like Kitamura’s have become a problem for city officials, who have struggled to reduce December yard show-related citywide brownouts. This year, however, they successfully reduced household brownouts to a record low 87-percent occurrence rate. “What we did to bolster households’ electrical power was, we just cut electricity off from extraneous city agen-
PHOTO BY HILLARY CHAN
cies, like the DMV and local elementary schools,” city hall spokesperson Lisa Engleman said. The city of San Diego reported that, to the relief of locals, cutting electricity off from several hospitals in the area will allow them to keep a 30-foot Christmas tree in Downtown San Diego lit through December. An estimated 115 San Diego residents haven’t been able to leave their houses for about two weeks now, because the crowds on their lawns are just too dense to get through. “Haha, maybe Santa will give them some rations and toilet paper along with their gifts!” City Manager Khalil Granger said. “That’d be cute. “And anyway,” he added, “There really is no place like home for the holidays!”
PICKLE SQUASHES WORLD’S TINIEST MAN Doctors cite internal hemorrhaging, kosher dill flavor
A newly released study finds that you can totally kick the ass of that guy by the keg talking to the girl you like but have barely talked to. The study indicates that, seriously, you can take that guy, don’t even worry about it. Not only that, but the study claims that it would be a great idea, and that she totally likes you and thinks that dude is a total fake anyway. The study also reveals that, I mean, who the hell does he think he is? He thinks she’s totally into him, but the study finds that her refusal to make eye contact with you was just because she was like,
totally into you and a little nervous about it. She’s just laughing at his jokes because she hopes he’ll leave, the study’s data clearly indicates. The results of the study indicate that even though you’ve had a few, you’re still thinking straight and that this whole thing is a great idea. It further indicates that even though you haven’t been to the gym since you’ve been at UCSD, he’ll be really intimidated if you take your shirt off. The study also finds that she’ll be, like, really impressed. The study concludes that there’s no possible way you’ll regret this tomorrow morning.
CUTE BOY NOT IN LECTURE BECAUSE HE CAUGHT YOU STARING According to sources, handsome third-year Thomas Griffin was not present in class today because he saw you — yes, you — staring at him. Griffin, who you sat two seats behind in lecture last week, was too nervous to come to class, save he catch that “bug-eyed weirdo” staring at him again in lecture today. Sources also speculate that he would
have totally come in today if he had caught you staring at him from your usual spots three seats behind him, but no, you just had to get a closer look at his newly trimmed neckline. At press time, you were seen quietly beating yourself up over your mistake.
See BRIEFS, page 11