Parenting with kids!
April 30, 2014
FECAL MATTERS
A differential taxonomy of poops. Page 3
IS YOUR CHILD AN ASSHOLE? Take our quiz to find out. Page 5
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE GYM The deadly dangers of the modern park. Pages 6-7
KIDS CUTTING ONIONS HOW YOUNG IS TOO YOUNG TO HELP IN THE KITCHEN?
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theMQ.org
April 30, 2014
Family Spotlight: Keeping up with the Joneses! BY BRANDON EHLERT
Letter From the Editor
Trent Scott Jones, Jr., husband and father:
My dream career as a child was not editor-in-chief. Here I am, pictured in 1994, after learning that “Cat” was not a viable job choice.
Cool Dad ycamore Lane: a quaint little avenue famous for its oak-lined streets, 320 days of sunshine, and wheelchair-accessible curbs and sidewalks. Picturesque, serene, and perfect. Take a walk down Sycamore Lane, pass the 15-inch wide babbling brook and cute little park with laughing children and their nannies, take a left at the rosemary topiary garden, and you’ll come upon house number 21, home of the Jones family. Much like their idyllic street is a picture of suburban perfection, the Jones represent the epitome of the perfect family: a dad and a mom, 2.5 children, and a golden retriever. But being perfect isn’t always easy, so we decided to delve deeper into the inner workings of this amazing family. Let’s learn about them!
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Q: What do you do for a living? A: I work for an insurance company as a financial analyst. I am currently working for a promotion to Chief Financial Officer, or CFO, of the company. I make six figures, so I’d say I do pretty well for myself. Q: What’s your favorite time of the week? A: After spending a lot of time with the kids, I love to get away. My drive to work is great, and also the drive to the Holiday Inn in Temecula every third Saturday to have my adult sleepovers. Q: What is the best piece of advice you can give to a young person hoping to start a family as perfect as yours in the near future? A: Raising a family takes a lot of work. You should ask my wife about the actual work, but I can tell you that it’s a lot. Also, make sure to budget time for yourself in between making money and going home. For example, buy a membership to the 24 Hour Fitness by your house and have your adult sleepovers there! Or, buy a season pass to Disneyland; have your adult sleepovers there. Costco is always a go-to for A.S. (adult sleepovers). The best part is, if you buy a membership there, you can buy in bulk for your perfect family after the sleepover!
Lindsay Brenneman-Jones, wife and mother:
Q: What do you do for a living? A: I’m primarily a stay-at-home mom, but I also own a flower cart, and I sell locally-grown floral arrangements on the weekends. Q: What is the best piece of advice you can give to a young person hoping to start a perfect family in the near future? A: It is the most rewarding thing for anyone on Earth to pursue. The satisfaction of having such a lovely family all your own is so great. All the beautiful family portraits on the wall, the dinner table full of crayons, and the refrigerator covered with art from those crayons. Lovely.
PHOTO BY THE KIEKHOFERS
PHOTO BY TREV MALONE
They drove there in their 2.4 cars, one of which was driven by the family’s 0.4 alcoholics. However, do be aware that having 2.5 children does put a lot of stress on your relationship with your husband, so it is important to have ways of coping with that in a healthy manner. Q: What’s an Adult Sleepover? A: I don’t ask.
Chase Jones, eldest son (12):
Q: What is your favorite thing to do? A: I love, like, to play volleyball. It is so cool and fun. Q: What is your favorite thing about your family? A: Um, I love that, like, we all get along, and like, we can all eat together at the dinner table, and, like, my mom and dad haven’t gotten a divorce even with all the adult sleepovers Dad has.
Samantha Jones, middle child (10):
Q: What is your favorite thing about your family? A: My doggie! Q: What is your favorite thing to do? A: Play with my doggie!! Q: Can you sit still? A: No!
Braden Jones, youngest son (7):
Q: What is your favorite thing to do? A: I like drawing and other stuff like that. I did Meet the Masters at my school the other day, and I drew Van Gogh’s “Starry Night,” and
it was so good, my teacher said it might end up in the Smithsonian! I think that’s the funniest thing I ever heard. It’s really hard for me to play sports because I am missing the my legs and the lower half of my body and stuff. Q: Wait, what happened to the lower half of your body? A: My parents wanted us to be a perfect family, I guess, and in America, that means that each family has 2 and a half kids, so they just decided to cut off my legs! It’s totally ok because I was a baby, so I have no idea what it would be like to have legs. Isn’t that the funniest thing? Q: What is your favorite part of your family? A: Oh gosh, the funniest thing I ever saw was when my dad wanted to go to Wendy’s, and my mommy thought it was the place you eat, but then we pulled up in front of this house and my dad went inside and then came out like 10 minutes later. Mommy and Daddy laughed, but then they started yelling real loud at each other. I don’t know why. Mommy said they were planning a sleepover, which is really cool! It was the funniest thing I ever saw …
Rex, family dog (9):
Q: What’s great about this family? A: Arf! Q: What’s an adult sleepover? A: (Rex tilts his head and whines sheepishly)
Dear Readers, So, you picked up this magazine, hoping to learn a little bit about Parenting With Kids. There’s got to be a reason that this caught your interest; maybe your kid’s 12 years old and is starting to reverse-pottytrain, or maybe your four-year-old won’t stop eating magazines and this is the last remaining paper in the house. The point is that for a lot of us, parenting is hard. And like being a naturally gifted athlete or radiology technician, parenting probably comes to some of us more easily than it does for others. When I reached parenthood, I found myself feeling like I just didn’t have a knack for it. I’d wake up and see my kid downstairs and just have no idea whether the smudge on its face was food or poop or a mixture of both or something else entirely. I’ve raised seven kids from birth, and only three grew up into what I consider functional humans. Two others are basically fine, except that I fed them preserved foods because I thought it would make them live longer, but instead their teeth decayed into a kind of gummy bear-like texture. As long as they have access to pureed foods, they’ll have enough nutrients to be pretty okay. So what’s the lesson in of all this? As a parent, you’re bound to make mistakes, even if you’re me, the editor-in-chief of Parenting With Kids and the mother of two children both named Henry because I wanted to see if they’d develop different identities (the answer is yes; only one of them still speaks to me). But parenting is about perseverance, and as you read this magazine, you’ll figure out that there’s really no way you can go wrong with child-raising. You got as far as having a kid. Raising it is the fun part. And honestly, if the first few kids don’t turn out quite like you expected, just keep trying with new ones, and everything will probably turn out okay. With love and a Purell-scented handshake, — Allie Kiekhofer Self-proclaimed parent, child, editor-in-chief
Allie Kiekhofer................................UCSD Dad Garrett Chan.........................................Widow Kevin Chu................................Daddy Blogger Riley Mallory.......................Resident-Resident Natalie McLain................Freelance Wetnurse Barak Tzori................................Stork Hoarder Elizabeth O’Neil...........Birds and Bees Expert Kyle Trujillo.............................Giving Out Tree Ryan Gibbs...Self-Proclaimed Playground God Sora Chee.............................Kinder Gardener Lawrence Lee.........................Possibly Barren Katherine Wood...........Finger Painting Expert
Andrew Deneris........Naughty Corner Warden Jacob Aguirre.....Associate Storybook Reader Hillary Chan.................Immaculate Conceptor Connor Brew.........................Absentee Father Trev Malone....................................Fun Uncle Hillary Morefield.................Drunk Stepmother Cole Steffensen........Overactive PTA Member Brandon Ehlert.................................Cool Dad Bora Buyuktimkin...........................“Cool” Dad Wesley Chan........................Imaginary Friend Jessi Carr...Teacher Accidentally Called Mom Ann Hawthorne.....................Fairy Godmother
Staff Members
Cause it’s like you’re my mirror, my mirror staring back at me.
Tuesdays, at 6p.m. in Half Dome.
“The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.” All content is copyright © 2013 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of the MQ. On Saturday night of production, I disappeared on a walk to contemplate the past, the present and the future of the MQ and the people in it. I can’t quite be sure what triggered this walk -- the sad instrumental music playing in the office, the arctic climate of our temporary content space, Glacier Point, or the recent realization that just a little over a month from now, the MQ to me will be a 12-page paper I see sitting on a stand outside of a lecture hall, warped and discolored by the morning dew and sun. And the funny thing is, that’s what the MQ has always been to most. But for a few crazy people in the office, Glacier Point, the Sequoia Room, Half Dome Lounge or wherever the hell UCSD puts us, the MQ is so much more than that. I don’t even think I want to shout out people whose work this weekend was particularly top-notch because really, the MQ belongs to all of us and it’s almost hard to know who to give credit for what. As I returned to the office and walked by the soundproof windows of Glacier Point, I watched a whole room of MQers talking and laughing and dancing and I saw how replaceable we all are — that room could and will be filled with anybody; we’re just lucky we get to be those people for a little bit. So here’s a message to the MQ as I think I know it, probably too cliche to be meaningful, almost too abstract for me to understand, even as I write it down: In those countless, forgettable moments when we’re debating, I don’t know, whether a “Lego poop” is funnier as a Lego covered in poop or a Lego sticking out of poop, be grateful for the time you get to be one of the people behind the MQ, and be kind to the people you’re here with. Everybody here wants to think and laugh and start sentences with “well, the joke is...” just as much as you do, and not even really question why because we just love the MQ and each other by default. And when you’re worried that last issue was better and centerspread is too text-heavy and this graphic isn’t clear and that headline needs to take up three lines to get the joke across, remember that the most important thing is to enjoy each other, to be honest with each other, and to laugh. Because one day when you’re long gone and you think about the MQ, you probably won’t remember the Top Ten Top Ten Entries You Came Up With. You’ll probably remember a time when someone in the MQ really changed how you thought about the world. So be happy for the time you get to spend in the MQ and the people you get to spend it with. And don’t hold on too tight. Give the new people a chance to make the MQ theirs. That’s what the people of MQ past did for you.
Summer Anderson Allegra Baker Jack Beegan Corey Breier Katie Brown Andrew Buss Romelle Canonizado Mark Cayaba Alejandra Cervantes
Rosa Cho Becca Chong Angelique De Castro Dylan Everingham Jeffrey Filice Alison Gilchrist Phillip Hodgson Rachel Huang Avi Kabani
Shruti Khandai Grace Kim Kayle Kvinge David Lee Crystal Martinez Mal Murray Sean O’Neal Audrey Olson Corlin Palmer
Alex Rosengarten Marissa Ruxin Tyler Takemoto Walter Thavarajah Brian Trenkle Brian Unknown Howard Wang Jen Windsor
Booster Club The restless walks to John’s have led us to purchases more cookies and chips than we probably ever needed -- but whether or not we needed this weekend’s snacks, we’d like to thank those who overfed us throughout production.Thanks to Andrew and Garrett for the 144 cans of soda that lasted almost ‘til Sunday.We thought that chips from Katherine, Trev and Cole would balance out the sugar from the rest of the weekend, until we realized sugar and salt don’t cancel each other out. Thanks to Natalie, Jen, Trev, and Cole for the candy designed mainly to provide Starburst-wrapper bracelet materials. Thanks to Elizabeth, Andrew, Kat, and Lawrence for dining dollars, and Hillary, Kayle, and Sora for the various cookies, Sora’s baked allegedly to “de-stress” on a Saturday at 6 a.m. Guess that shows what “stress” means relative to production.
April 30, 2014
theMQ.org
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Finding the Perfect Baby Formula:
Parental Inquiry:
I Think My Child is an NSA Plant
An Aspiring Father Tells His Story
BY LENINA PETERSEN
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PHOTO BY SORA CHEE
“Ah, I remember when he was just snack bag sized,” said Gonzales. “They grow up so fast.”
BY FINNEUS MCCAULY
Freshman (but I have Sophomore standing) ello, my name is Finneus McCauly, and this is the story of how I became a proud father, however briefly, without performing coitus. (This is not to say that I have never performed coitus; I have. Many, many times.) Babies — the large, fleshy growths typically removed from the stomachs of baby-having women — are more complex and delicate creatures than I had originally hypothesized. And for those who cannot rely on coitus for baby production, it’s no secret that most marketvariety “baby formulas” do not work — even in a perfectly calibrated microwave, heated to the exact recommended temperature, the mixture fails to solidify and form a baby. I’ve tried. This is an area of reproduction in which science and technology have failed us. But as a biochemistry major at a prestigious university, I saw no reason modern science could not create a similar life form in half the time, while eliminating the tumultuous hormonal fluctuations and waddling associated with the baby-having process. I endeavored to identify the ideal baby formula and use it to synthesize my own baby. According to my Google Image and YouTube-based research, the physical material that comprises a baby consists of normal human viscera such as skin and keratin, and also of squishiness, drool, and a blubbery layer commonly known as “puppy fat.” The local animal shelter was initially very generous in offering to secure me a few puppies, but the
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manager became markedly less open-minded when I explained that I wanted to skin them and harvest their fat, making an excuse about an obligation toward “humane treatment of animals.” But I was not fazed by the often exasperating institutional barriers like these, which often stand in the way of progressive research. I made do with the lipids scraped from the skin of some young raccoons I had trapped earlier. The human skin, keratin, and saliva were relatively easy to procure; I used skin cells harvested from my scalp, toenail clippings, and a vial of my own saliva. In order to be viable, theses raw materials needed to be combined into a blobby shape called a fetus and provided appropriate nourishment through a tube, usually connected to a woman’s stomach. Materials in place, I then recreated the environs of a womb for optimal growth by filling a Ziploc bag with a mixture of filtered water — San Diego’s tap water is notoriously under-regulated and could contain fatal contaminants — and, of course, more drool. Naturally, the next question was, “what do babies eat?” This proved by far the most difficult line of inquiry, due to the omnivorous and indeed goat-like diet of babies. A more intriguing question might be, “what don’t they eat?” To cover my bases, I bought cans of baby food, dog food, and some crayons as well. I then recreated the fetal diet normally prepared by the stomach and transferred through the umbilical cord by melting these down to a viscous mixture and pumping it into my construct through a straw.
As predicted, my baby was fully formed significantly faster than the usual nine-month human gestation period. Within 30 days, it had tripled in size and begun to display normal fetal behavior, like kicking and pulsing. Only its blue-green coloration was a troubling anomaly. I was not prepared to guess the precise date when my baby would emerge from the Ziploc and begin to crawl and create its own drool, if I was lucky. As it turned out, my method of baby synthesis had a gestation period of forty-two days, three hours, and seven minutes. I discovered this when, during a routine straw-pump feeding, my baby’s Ziploc bag exploded. The error that caused my baby to hatch prematurely was, I believe, in my failure to doublebag it. Shortly after the bag burst, the creature stopped slithering around the floor and became still. I was unable to measure or initiate breathing, as I could not locate its mouth in time to resuscitate my creation by performing CPR. I believe that it was unable to breathe air as a result of the semi-formed, crayon-filled lungs that I discovered during a post-mortem dissection. Though my baby formula was a failure, it was leaps and bounds ahead of mainstream formulas for sale today, and a marked improvement from my 4,372 attempts that preceded it. Hopefully, at least one of the 3,068 specimens I made along with this one continue to incubate well and grow into a wonderful baby. I observed last week that they all have fangs, but I’m confident they’ll fall out during puberty. With enough perseverance, I believe that for me, a sexless fatherhood is still within reach.
Baby Poop Field Guide Statistically speaking, at least 85 percent of us will poop at one time or another in our lifetimes. And since your baby probably doesn’t have the motor skills to dissect its own feces yet, you’ll have to pick up the slack to make sure they’re healthy and eating properly. Here’s a comprehensive guide to the different types of doodies you may encounter and what they mean for your child's inner well-being. Original Stench Oh my God, is this bad? This is the third time this week this has happened! Should it be this color? Do you think we should call Dr. Stevenson? Do you think he’ll be awake at 3 a.m.?
McSteamy
Your baby either has a fever or the Heat are going to win the NBA championship this year. Either way, put 50 clams down on Miami.
The Lego Man
The No. 2 Coming This poop looks like it has an imprint of Jesus in it! Holy shit! Haha, get it? No, really though, put that thing on eBay.
The “My Baby Ate My Essay” There’s the paper that was due two days ago. Take a picture of it to prove to your professor that you weren’t lying. Oh, it’s a Nietzsche paper! This might even make it better.
The Lumperjack Your baby swallowed a Lego man, which really sucks because that was the last one you needed to complete your scale model of Gotham City.
The flannel color of your child’s poop just means he’s going through a soft grunge phase. They’ll grow out of it, don’t worry.
Concerned Parent
am in need of some help with my recently born child, Avangard. I wanted to start off by saying that I love him dearly; he is my everything. However, over the past few months I’ve become quite concerned that he has ulterior motives for being my child. I have many reasons to believe that he is not who he seems and there are many signs pointing to him being a spy planted by the NSA to monitor me. To begin with, he never gives me the privacy I require. He pretends he can’t go to the cupboard and feed himself, but I believe that’s just an excuse to constantly be around me, tracking me. He spends all his time just watching … waiting … and it’s highly unnatural for someone to sleep that much. I bet you this “sleeping” is actually some form of mental training that requires him to shut out his external environment. Plus, whoever fabricated his disguise did a terrible job. It barely fits him, as you can see by all the lumps and rolls in his body. You would think that federal-grade fake skin suits would look more believable. And he has no teeth. Real humans have teeth. But maybe they removed them, so he can avoid eating solid foods like the worthy bread of our shared labor. However, when I finally get him to eat his mashed peas, he spits them up. I suspect this is a reflex, developed as a result of advanced poison training. If ever I do manage to sneak down to the basement for a few hours, I come back into the room and little Avangard has rolled to a new place. He has no reasons, no explanations for moving an inch. Not only that, but he often speaks “to himself” in code. Yeah, right. I know who’s on the other end of that hidden microphone in that foot he’s gnawing on. Worst of all is his outright treasonous behavior. He refuses to read the Communist Manifesto! I mean, it’s only the greatest writing ever to exist. Why does he resist? And the little capitalist pig ruined my poster of Vladimir Putin by tearing it and biting at the corners. What loyal Soviet would perform such a preposterous act? At first I was hopeful that by crying he was demanding a new order, but now I’m convinced that his tears only cover up distress calls that he sends up after our routine interrogations. I ask standard questions such as, “who do you work for,” “where were you trained,” and “to whom do you swear your undying allegiance,” but he refuses to cooperate, screaming garbled nonsense. He is obviously here to spy on me! I am at my wit’s end here, trying every day to understand and destroy this little monster. But I always remember how much I love him when I look at him; his big eyes could build a million communities! For a capitalist pig, he sure is cute.
TOP TEN
Things the Bible Teaches You about Parenting 10. An apple the day keeps the child’s eternal paradise away 9. It’s OK not to ask for directions, even if it means wandering around a desert for 40 years 8. If your kid says a burning bush is talking to them, don’t assume drugs 7. Adoption services are unnecessary when there’s a river nearby 6. Keep household rules publicly displayed and carved into stone 5. If their Lego tower gets over 10 bricks high, knock it down 4. Don’t cook a child in its mother’s milk 3. If God asks you to kill your son, he’s probably joking. But try anyway 2. Something something don’t vaccinate your kids 1. You can still be the father even if you never had sex with her
theMQ.org
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April 30, 2014
Liquid Labor:
Sounds of Success: Use Music to Make Your Fetus the Person You Want Them to Be
The Amphibious Perks of Waterbirthing
ILLUSTRATION BY KEVIN CHU
BY RITA BOGGARTY
PHOTO BY SORA CHEE
“We need to stop letting women in labor into the pool area.”
BY HILLARY CHAN
Immmaculate Conceptor rganic lemon slices, full-bodied Hibiscus blooms, handcrafted toothpick umbrellas — these ingredients typically garnish the third to fifth refill of your bottomless mimosa order during brunch, but such seasonal delights can also be found freshly plucked, manicured, and arranged at many of the country’s best water birth resorts. Spring means out with the proverbial hospital debutante, and in with the avant-garde avant-propos to the second round, 17-year-long stint of growing pains. With the advent of prenatal medicine and water quality control, the process of labor has freshly been redone with an evolutionary twist, and this spring’s trendiest soon-to-be moms are looking towards the benefits of the centuries old, all natural practice of waterbirthing to welcome the newest plus ones to their families. The first recorded waterbirth coincided with the discovery of Yellowstone National Park’s Old Faithful in 1870, when pregnant expedition leader Julia Langford, captivated by how the eruptions “cataclysmically seemed to sync with her contractions,” gave birth on the top of the geyser to a healthy baby boy covered in a gelatinous substance similar to that of a frog’s egg. After the news spread about Old Faithful, midwives reported being called to places like the Florida Everglades to assist women in labor, and the results kept coming up amphibian.
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“The power of vitality in the water gave these newborn infants gills instead of lungs,” said premier obstetrician and amphibious life expert Claire Vivier. “Babies were born with webbed feet, elongated tongues, and some even with tails. All of a sudden, parents didn’t have to take their kids to the local YMCA anymore because their babies were born knowing how to swim. Pools everywhere were booked solid with women either in Lamaze classes or in labor.” Retaining their gills well after the nine-month gestation period, amphibian and human hybrid babies are some of the most resilient infants. Their semi-permeable skin allows for endurance in low-oxygen environments, while their cleft, retractable tongues and hardy digestive systems allow them to catch and eat any moving creature around them. The inherent human determination to colonize natural habitats for capitalistic gain, paired with the amphibious adaptation to produce toxins meant to scare predators away, makes it possible for infants to survive alone in the wild without parental supervision. Meanwhile, spas all across the country are accommodating expecting mothers by adapting the frivolities of amphibious habitats to the fragile ecosystem necessary to set four-star spas apart from the rest. From archaic hospital cots to lily pad heavens, the innovations in waterbirthing, and thereby human development, were made for the women out there who want all the joys of parenting without the drama of it.
Perfecting the Art of Child-Naming BY JACK BEEGAN
Chief Monikerologist et’s face it, you really screwed the pooch naming your first kid. Darryl wasn’t that great of a choice and between that annoying speech impediment and those awful freckles, your daughter doesn’t need help getting bullied. But you’re in luck, because children practically grow on trees, trees inside women’s pelvises or something weird like that. According to doctors, that is, who have also told us that if we were to inquire any further, things would get “really gross.” Anyway, once you’ve obtained your new child, it’s gonna need a name and you can’t send “Tiny Weak Crap Machine” to school while your betters drop off children like 3 Chainz and Shoe! So how do you not screw up spectacularly? Well, start by repressing every natural naming impulse you have — except maybe the one about wanting to pay tribute to the true love of your life and not the worthless sack of flesh you’re raising your child with — and listen the h*ck up. Nothing says “trendy” like “topical”: Legalize-It, Eastern Ukraine, Bitcoin — these are all solid names that will prove your responsible habit of staying in the know when it comes to the affairs of the world. However, nothing’s more sad than a dated reference. You know what’s happening to little Ben Ghazi? A very, very Young American For Liberty is making him eat sand for selling out American ideals to appease terrorists. Brand loyalty is all the rage these days, and what better to immortalize your allegiance to the capitalist overlords than with names like Revlon, Dell, and General Electric Capital Corporation? One important thing to note: Unless you give your child a creative middle name, they are legally the property of the corporate entity for which they are named. As a new parent, you won’t be able to carry that well-worn Moleskine with you everywhere you go. How will people know you read books? Your children can be your Moleskine — in that they can prove that you read books with names like Karenina, Steinbeck, and Absalom, Absalom. They say you should name your child for the social class you hope to achieve, not the one you have! And what’s all this then? Victorian English culture is coming back, and with it, their delight-
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Gurgles & Giggles Editor tudies have shown that pregnant ladies love putting headphones on their bellies. But for what purpose? Who’s listening in there? A very smart group of scientists from the Babies and Fun Noises Lab have used math and offbrand spreadsheet program Macrosoft Exell to compose charts about the importance of playing music to your fetus to mold them into whatever you want them to be. Because we would never question a person in a lab coat (you have to earn them from college — that is a fact), we had them compile a list of various artists to help your little angel grow up to be the best person they can be! If you want your baby to be ...
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Creative: Something experimental like Swedish dream pop act Sleep Party People. Your baby will want to cut off his ear and paint beautifully, like Picasso, in no time! Another recommendation is Grimes’ “Visions” off of 4AD Records! Your baby doesn’t understand language yet anyway, so the fact that her lyrics are almost indistinguishable isn’t an issue! Resilient: We recommend the hit single “Till the World Ends” by the queen of pop herself, Britney Spears! If she can get through that whole 2007 shaved-head period to come out with this masterpiece, your baby will be empowered to overcome anything! Your baby may also have a brief attraction to Kevin Federline, but that will diminish with time. Financially savvy: For your little wolf cub of Wall Street, we recommend a tasteful pinstripe blazer and “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga. If they can count the number of times she says “poker” in that song, they are essentially a CPA already. If that doesn’t pan out, they will have an exciting future in professional gambling. That face is so stone cold, I can’t tell if they need a diaper change or if they have a royal flush! Unique: We recommend something by Gwen Stefani. She went solo for two albums after “No Doubt,” had two children, and started a fashion brand while still looking like she hasn’t aged since 1993. She is a queen of personal branding while remaining true to herself, and your baby can learn a lot from that. Able to deal with their anger: Not everything is going to go just as you planned for your baby, and sometimes your baby may get bummed out. We recommend “Raining Blood” by death metal icon Slayer. Although we can’t guarantee how your baby will deal with their anger after listening to this song, we know they will definitely deal with it. Head banging with your baby is not recommended.
ILLUSTRATION BY KEVIN CHU
ful aristocratic names. Webidrald, Jirmbley, and Petticoat will command respect from their peers and the beer-swilling masses alike! Nothing short of aggressive and emotionally crippling parenting will shoehorn your child into a career of pop-stardom like naming them after an abstract concept, like current faves Faith, Hope, and Brandi. Our naming experts believe if you get naming soon, Synchronicity, Fulfillment, or Bucket could be selling out concert halls by 2031. If you’re really strapped for time, take an existing name and change the spelling! While copy editing and spell check have come to dominate most print media, absolutely no one checks birth certificates. So good ahead, spell it Ckriss, Frehnk, or Jeaux — see how little we care! Their grandparents might, but they should be dead soon if you do your job right. Well, there’s a start. Good luck naming your child. Just remember, there’s absolutely no pressure, except that this child will be saddled with whatever name you give it until it’s inevitable emancipation. So, maybe there’s a little pressure. But that doesn’t mean you should play it safe.
It’s 11 a.m. somewhere. All the elegance and decadence of a leisurely brunch in convenient to-go packaging. Nothing quite says refined like exotic boxed wines, matched by a tender boxed bagel and capers packaged fresh from the Tuscany caper orchards. So relax, unwind, and pretend that your child isn’t screaming in the back seat on your way to work. Because it’s Brunchables time.
Smart: We recommend “I Kissed a Girl” by Katy Perry. She used this song to shock Hollywood into taking notice and look where she is now! That doesn’t happen if you’re a big dummy. This song could also help your kid try new things and be tolerant of the LGBT community. Environmentally conscious: We recommend biodegradable diapers along with the song “Bushfire” by The B52s. Forest fires are an important part of an ecosystem as they help to control underbrush while also putting nutrients back into the soil. If your 13-month-old can understand that, they should definitely be a park ranger when they grow up. More tolerant: Anything by Lady Gaga. Duh. She is the queen of the LGBT movement.
theMQ.org
April 30, 2014
Overheard “Your belly looks amazing!” BY DEREK ROWLING
Banned from Vons he flush of your cheeks is breathtaking, that dewy glow astounding. I saw you from the other end of the produce section and felt this pull, beckoning me to come and witness your miracle of life. When are you due? It looks like your water could break here in the store. I want to cradle your swollen abdomen in my arms, singing Mozart softly. My motherly instincts are screaming. Are you riding low? Because that means it’s probably a boy. Can you feel your hips widening? Is your labia more moist than usual? I know so much about pregnancy. It’s my favorite subject to talk about. Is the baby kicking? If he’s not, maybe he’s asleep. If he’s nocturnal now, he’ll be much easier to deal with after the birth. I’ve heard that a baby’s sleep schedule switches once out of the womb. I wish I could experience the miracle within. I can only experience it within a dream — one I have almost every night. One more question, because you look like you’re in a rush: Can I press my face against your bare belly to be closer to the godlike miracle of the creation of life from nothingness? Just once? The aura of your pregnancy beckons me, its healing strength calls to my soul. If only we could be one, attached by a nutrient giving cord, sharing our life force, baring our souls, relying on the sustenance of one another. Please, don’t leave me. I was removed from the uterus too early, and then you left me, mom. I need you. Don’t walk away. I’ll do anything. Please.
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QUIZ:
What kind of kid do you have?
“It’s a watermelon.” BY GLORIA FARLING
On a budget lease, just leave me alone; to be honest, I’m just shoplifting. What you think is my baby bump is actually a watermelon I slipped under my vest in the produce section. I’m not sorry. I’m not ashamed to admit it. The reality of today’s capitalist society is that it is next to impossible to afford a healthy diet with enough fresh fruit and vegetables. Like Jean Valjean, I am reduced to this petty theft and, unless you stop, I’ll get caught. I work a full-time job for next-to-minimum wage with plenty of overtime, and I still can’t afford to take my family to Disneyland or buy presents for my little nieces and nephews that don’t make me ashamed to show my face at holiday parties. Soda is cheaper than water and people wonder why there’s an obesity problem in this country. It’s ridiculous. I’d appreciate it if you would just step back, you’re still preening over my belly. Do you even hear what I’m saying? If you get me caught, you’re just another complicit cog in the exploitative food industry that is slowly poisoning our underrepresented communities. Well, maybe your obsession with my stomach will give me the opportunity to walk out of here. Just let go of me for a second. Why are you calling me mom? This got weird. Please, let me leave. I can’t call the authorities. Oh God, is this conversation punishment? I’m sorry, just get me out of here.
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Is Your Middle Child Important?
B
2. What type of material does your child prefer the playground be made of? a. Rubber, so they can do backflips and break dance b. Wood chips, so they can put them in all available orifices c. They don’t have a preference because they cannot tell the difference through their plastic bubble d. Sand, so they can hide the bodies of their victims
3. What type of slide does your child prefer?
a. Closed, so they can use their taekwondo skills to bust out b. Open, so they don’t accidentally hit their head on the top c. Short, so it’s over quickly d. Hot, so they can throw the children in front of them into it
4. What is your child’s favorite park activity?
a. Landing a triple twist spin off the top of the jungle gym b. Lying face down in the mud and rubbing their face around c. Counting the grains of sand in the sand box d. Spitting in that loser Tommy’s face
6. Does your child have a preferred weather to play in?
a. Sunset that they can ride their tricycle off into b. Warm weather that will help them attribute the pee stain on their crotch to sweat c. Not too hot, not too cold. The playground is made of surfaces vulnerable to their environment that, in turn, can hurt them d. The rain of their enemy’s tears
7. How does your child socialize at the park?
ILLUSTRATION BYKYLE TRUJILLO
An unintended result of the study has been the discovery of “Invis-iddle Syndrome,” which only affects the inferior children of a household. This syndrome is characterized by many of the common symptoms of being a middle child, which include feelings of not belonging, fear of employment, and a strong aversion to success. One of the most striking effects of Invis-iddle Syndrome is obtaining the ability to appear absolutely transparent. Researchers are still puzzled by this phenomenon, which involves middle children allegedly disappearing right before their parents’ eyes as soon as another child is born. Many link this phenomenon to the American dream of two and a half children, in which parents are not really sure if the third child should exist or not. When asked for a comment, parents agreed that they couldn’t find any middle children, but they did hear faint cries of mediocrity. Despite the disagreements, it can be concluded that the middle child is important, but only to make your other children look even better.
Futureproofing Your Relationship with Your Child
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a. Makes it all the way across with minimal sweat b. Makes it all the way across and back because he is better than the others c. Doesn’t go on the monkey bars because of germs, and depending on weather, they could be too hot or slippery d. Uses them as a torture device on cowardly children
a. Jumping off b. Falling off because they swung too high c. By stopping and standing up d. By force of a parent because they won’t let others on
Contributing Writer
BY LAWRENCE LEE
Possibly Barren f you remember anything from ages 11 to 17, it’s your parents embarrassing you at your well-planned, popular birthday parties. I may be 37 now, but I still have those memories vividly seared into my brain. My biggest problem with my parents was that they didn’t even try to comprehend the new stuff that I was into. They never understood ’90s counterculture like I did. My mom and dad didn’t care about my fan theories concerning Nick Carter having a baby or even seem to notice that Power Rangers were feeding violent lies of social and racial stratification to the children of the time. Hell, they never even learned what the term “indie” meant, despite how hard I tried to explain it to them. So if you were ahead of your time back in your time, like me, who’s to say that your upcoming children won’t also be? If you want to avoid the same trap that your own parents fell into, you need to start familiarizing yourself with the projected trends that your future children will try to coerce you into liking — but they won’t have to, because you’ll be even better versed on the subjects than they will be by the time they’re old enough to push those ideas onto you. Music? Not a problem. It’s totally fine if your spouse(s) give you weird looks when you blast Tibetan throat singing from your totally sweet hovercar that you found on Craigslist for $1955. If you’re worried that music will be a form of expression for your child’s hormone-induced emotions, nothing will give you an adult perspective on teenage angst better than neo-neo-neoclassical metal (or triron, as the kids are going to affectionately nickname it in many years). That shit’s crazy. You can’t forget my biggest gripe about the awful birthday parties that I’m sure you prospective parents also went through as a child. A great way to remedy this for your children is to create themes that will show off your experienced grasp on the cool
1. How does your child play on the monkey bars?
5. How does your child get off of the swings?
BY SEAN O’NEAL ecoming a parent to more than two children is a life-changing experience — it increases the size of your family, but also relegates at least one of your offspring to become an irrelevant “middle child.” These “middle children” often have a hard time finding a place in the family, as they are no longer as cute and adorable as the youngest child, and are less mature, intelligent, and attractive than the oldest child. Recent research from UC San Diego has attempted to answer the age-old question, “Should I care about my obviously lesser middle child?” “No,” says Dr. Hans Jopkins, a leading researcher of Intermediary Familial Development at UCSD. “Middle children will never live up to the expectations of their parents. Our research points out that even if they do try, they will never be as successful as their other siblings. It’s sometimes been called ‘Marcia Brady Syndrome.’ Honestly, middle children should just give up. Parents should focus their attention on the important children.” However, some parents disagree. “I think it’s really important to love all of your children equally,” says Jan Amemima, a mother of three from Texas. “Erica, my oldest, just got into medical school, Justin; my youngest, just recently bowled a three hundred; and my other child — oh, shit, what’s his name again? Danny? Danny’s cool.” Two of the main struggles of middle children identified in the survey involve the relationship between the middle children and their superior siblings. “My older brother got a Honda Civic for his 16th birthday while all I got was for mine was a Hot Wheels car,” claims Jerry Mander, a 17-year-old middle child from Oregon. “And my younger brother always gets away with everything. One time he broke my mom’s wine bottle with a hammer, blamed it on me, and I got in trouble. And my mom was in the room! And she was holding the wine bottle!” “You probably forced your younger brother to do it,” explains Mrs. Mander.
Sometimes you’ll look at the mysterious tiny person next to you and think, “Wait, is this even mine?” Probably! It’s very common for parents and children to fall out of touch; once you stop breastfeeding them, they’re basically their own tiny, independent people. So how do you truly know who they are? By ascribing their traits to criteria set forth by other people, of course! Take this quiz and find out once and for all what kind of kid you have. Oh, wait, that one isn’t yours. I see them; your kids are over by the swings.
a. My child doesn’t know strangers b. They talk to that little shitstain Tommy c. Arm’s length away from children, who have also preferably bathed in Purell d. With their fist
8. What is your child’s preferred snack?
a. Dirt-covered sandwich b. Worms c. A snack not taken by the child in answer (d) d. Another child’s snack
9. Does your child have a preferred Band-Aid type?
a. Their parents telling them, “just walk it off, champ” b. They don’t care since they’re going to pick the scab anyway c. Sterilized with an alcohol wipe and Neosporin before application d. No, but the children they play with do
10. How many bruises does your child receive at the park? a. Bruises, broken bones, and badass-ery b. Enough to hurt but not enough for any serious damage c. Too many, sometimes in the shape of their dear friend Bruce’s fist. Their whole body is a bruise d. They don’t receive bruises, they give them Answers: Mostly A’s: Your child is a badass. They don’t sweat large tasks like the jungle gym, nor do they fear the scalding temperature of the rubber playground or the closed slide, a dark tube giving other children a feeling of impending doom. Most importantly, your child is never running up expensive medical bills. All you need is a Band-Aid and they’re good to go. Without a doubt, your child is on their way to becoming a successful human being. Mostly B’s: Your child is a dumbass. They stick to their own clique of monkey bar hooligans while snacking on actual mud pies and filthy worms. Your child is dumb enough to not understand that warm weather is the worst weather for playground activities because it creates scalding hot metal surfaces. But just you wait, a burn here and there is nothing compared to the bones broken they will receive on a weekly basis later in life. Insurance is recommended at the rate your child is going.
PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE
Even my ever present headphones couldn’t block out the waves of my parents’ culturally ignorant disdain. movements of the day and age of your future child’s generation. How much better will your son’s motivated, engineering-orientated friends think of him when they arrive at a digital cryptocurrencythemed party, right? Invest in some Bitcoin now so that you can do some early foundation building and get a head start on a healthy, parent-offspring bond. There’s really no excuse; you can guarantee a lack of dysfunctionality in your upcoming family. All it takes is a little bit of thought, planning, and investment. Now, what’s my eBay password? Some asshole keeps outbidding me on a SpaceX Magical Mystery Tour ticket. My kids are gonna need that.
Mostly C’s: Your child’s ass needs saving. If they lived in a thicker plastic bubble, they would probably die of air insufficiency or of being too big of a hypochondriac. If they were any cleaner, they would BE hand sanitizer. They need to live a little; taking the short slide isn’t going to get them far in life, especially if they are always getting their ass handed to them by Tommy in the sandbox. Mostly D’s: Your child is an asshole. As the playground bully, they are disliked by most children and responsible for other parents’ high medical bills. Some may say that it is because they are uncomfortable with themselves, but honestly, they’re just a prick. They will either grow out of this stage and become a stand up citizen, or they will fulfill your worst fears as a deadbeat who lives with you and continues to steal your food.
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theMQ.org
April 30, 2014
Children, Danger at Play
“Rex? Rex! Oh my God, REX!” A shady bench to store your elderly.
Unfinished, closedmouth tunnel slide
Limited-motion safety swing
Hide-and-Seek Cham 1986
April 30, 2014
theMQ.org
Though the days of razor blades in sandboxes and squirrel rabies may be over — MAYBE — there are still many things to look out for when taking your little angel to local public parks. Take a look at our diagram below of hazards typically found at playgrounds across the nation, and use it to help plan your next playdate accordingly.
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Playground Checklist
Before you leave for the disease-ridden and danger-filled metal death funhouses in public parks, use our checklist to make sure you and your beautiful baby are protected. Most of these items can be purchased from your local L.L. Bean.
ff Medicinal kit with eye de-poker and bandages equal to child’s surface area ff Knee pads for every joint ff A light sweater ff Sudoku
ff Horse tranquilizer, for when things (and you) get too rowdy ff Floaties, for the sandbox ff iPod, to ignore your kids
ff Child-strength pepper spray ff A child, preferably yours
ff Sandals and socks, form meets function
ff Bottle of wine poured into a large Taco Bell cup. They’ll never know ff School ID (they check at the monkey bars) ff Your child’s business card and résumé
mp,
No-strangle safety tetherball court Sandbox
Broken Glass Box
Quicksand Box
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May’s Budget Birthday Bash
You loved March’s “2013 Throwback Birthday” for letting you turn last year’s decorations into a brand new theme and April’s “Birth-Minute” party for being ultratime efficient. Now, Parenting with Kids is back with May’s party: Upside-Down Cupcakes!
Party Hats:
Stop by your local grocery store and pick up some coffee filters — they look kind of like baking cups, don’t they? Have your guests put these on their heads, and voilà! You have a room full of adorable little upside-down cupcakes.
Decorations:
*Put wax paper on the floors. Cheap, fun, and it will cut down on the running. *Use tin foil to cover the inappropriate family photos. It’s practical, not to mention theme-appropriate. *A common pitfall of parties is focusing too much on household decorations. But what makes a party a party? The guests! So decorate the kids, not the surroundings. Washable markers are a cheap, easy way to make anyone’s skin super festive. *Ultimately, cupcakes are household objects. So no one will blame you if you don’t decorate. If you’re feeling particularly festive, don’t clean up the house beforehand, either. That way, the cupcake environment will feel more organic.
Refreshments:
Obviously, you can’t serve cupcakes! Your guests aren’t cannibals, after all. Instead, offer foods to plump up your cute little cupcakes: *Every cupcake needs flour. Since you have supersized cupcakes, you’ll need some supersized “flour!” To make superflour, whip up a big bowl of white rice and make sure each guest is served a cup or two. If your young ones have a sweet tooth, no problem! Call the super-flour “sugar” instead. *The eggs you put into a cupcake are usually raw, but your guests are still technically human, so you’ll have to cook them just to be safe. Scramble up some of the eggs left over from Bobbing For Eggs. *Save some money on milk buy buying powdered milk instead. Yes, it’s disgusting. But you’re not the one drinking it! If you don’t have powdered milk, chalk dust will work fine, too, as long as you don’t drink too much of it
Tiger Mom Recipes:
Easy Ways to Make The Most of Your Freshly Killed Gazelle
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Theme: Upside-Down Cupcakes
No need to buy a mix! At this fun and easy party, the kids are the cupcakes.
(Helpful hint): Give the kids some pens, crayons, or even markers to decorate the coffee filters with, and you can distract them for fifteens of minutes.
April 30, 2014
PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS
If the toothpick comes out wet, it’s not ready yet.
Activities:
*Don’t waste money on a pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey poster! Blindfold all of your partygoers at once, hand them each a paper cherry with tape on it, and watch the mayhem and chaos unfold as they try to pin it on one of the other “cupcakes.” *For a fun twist on a classic game, play mancala using a cupcake tin. A cupcake tin doesn’t fit any of the rules of mancala, but the kids probably won’t know how to play anyway. *Make your own cake-mix piñata! All you need is a trash bag filled to the brim with eggs, a few handfuls of loose flour, and some packets of sugar. Have guests whack it with a rolling pin until the “batter” come cascading down onto the lucky youngsters. *Make a classic favorite cupcake-themed by bobbing for eggs. Of course, collect the eggs back when they’re done with them. Wouldn’t want anyone to get salmonella or escape from the party with your hard-earned food. *Where do cupcakes live? The kitchen, of course! And are your little cupcakes really going to leave it looking so filthy? That’d be rude. So break out the cleaning supplies and put them to work. *Getting tired? Designate one of the rooms “The Oven,” and tell the children to be quiet while they bake! After a little time has passed, lightly poke them, and if their skin bounces back, they’re ready to come out again!
Party Favors:
Send your excited little guests home with a little baggie of flour, perfect for baking their own cupcakes! If you’re feeling particularly generous, throw in a few coffee filters so they can recreate this magical experience with their families.
Buying Baby’s First Crib As soon as you find out you’ll be bringing a little one into the world, picking out a crib is one of the first things you’ll need to figure out, right after Googling what a baby is. Use this guide as a helpful starter in choosing your child’s place of residence for the next three to five to 12 years.
o, you’ve dragged the carcass of a gazelle over the threshold of your den after a long day and you need to give your kids the taste of meat, so they can grow up to be strong career-oriented hunters, but they won’t dig into the carcass because they think it’s icky! Sometimes, I think I should have just eaten some of them when they were cubs. Life would be so much easier if you didn’t have to balance being a career woman, nature’s top hunter, and a mom. But no more worries; I’ve compiled a set of recipes that will make your children want to tear into gazelle meat the next time they see it, for kids of all ages!
Teens: Gazelle Bone Stew in a Skull Bowl
Teenagers always want cool stories to tell their friends, so give them something to talk about with this dish! Start by putting the skull with all the meat into a slow cooker; if you crushed the skull in the process of killing the animal, deer skulls are a good substitute that are available at most Vons stores. The boiling water will clean the skull and cook the meat inside it; feel free to add salt, pepper, and any herbs you find on your daily rainforest prowl. Put it in your slow cooker while you leave to go out to work and when you get back, you will have the perfect hearty stew! Remove the skull from the pot, clean it off, and then use it as a cool gothic bowl. Although they won’t show it, your teen will love the viscera floating in the juice and will be Instagramming their meal before you know it. Plus, all the brains in the stew will help to make your kids smarter, just in time for college!
Children: Venison Nuggets
Kids love finger foods, and these delicious bite-sized treats will be sure to put smiles on their faces. First, you’ll want to tenderize the gazelle’s meat; if you pounced onto the animal from the right height when you were catching it, the meat should be properly tender. Then, you’ll want to cut the meat into tiny pieces. You can cut them into fun shapes they will love, like boots, dinosaurs, and gazelles. Start preheating your oven to 350 degrees, and cover your nuggets in a gazelle bone marrow and fat mixture. Make sure your kids don’t grab them before they go into the oven; mad gazelle disease is a growing epidemic. Lay your nuggets on a pan and then bake them for 10-15 minutes, or until they’re nice and brown. Serve to your kids with ketchup.
Baby: Intestine Spaghetti with Blood Sauce
Once you’ve got them off milk and onto solid foods, it’s important to start them on things that will be delicious and easy to eat. Spaghetti is perfect, and this recipe incorporates some of the best parts of the gazelle for your little future killer! Start by cutting the intestine into thin noodles, then boil them in water until they are al dente. While the pasta is boiling, drain the blood from the gazelle’s body by creating a small laceration with a knife, or your claw, and pour it into a large tub; you can keep most of the blood to put in milkshakes or pudding. Mix the blood with Italian seasoning and some bone marrow until it coagulates. Then drain the intestines into a strainer, put some on a plate, and cover with the sauce. Feed it to your baby, or have them use their paws to pick them up and watch their faces light up while their chins drip with blood!
TOP TEN
Signs You’re Pregnant with a Dinosaur
Bunk Crib
Great for twins. Comes with a door in the bars of the bottom bunk crib so the baby can get out.
Dog Kennel Crib
This DIY crib is a great way to repurpose your dog kennel after your dog died and will also give you emotional closure while you grieve and contemplate the cycle of life. (RIP Rex 2002-2014)
Dresser Drawer Crib
So Pinterest! These were very commonly used during World War II and are super space-efficient, not to mention Depression-era chic!
Hammock Crib
This crib is perfect for the leisurely vacationing baby. It also comes with a tiny cute Hawaiian print onesie!
10. A ridge spine started showing through your stomach 9. You finally settled down with a nice triceratops boy 8. The sperm donor described himself as scaly, extinct 7. Your pregnancy cravings range from foliage to lesser reptiles 6. Other people’s pet velociraptors keep sniffing around your stomach 5. Its wings looked a little big on the ultrasound 4. You dishonored a powerful dinosaur warlock 3. You’re a quarter dimetrodon on your mother’s side 2. It seems like it will evolve into a bird with enough time 1. You spilled that vat of dinosaur semen in your uterus
THE MQ
UCSD arsonists’ preferred accelerant
Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge
theMQ.org
April 30, 2014
Family Feud
POINT
I Like Coolplay Too, You Know! COUNTERPOINT
Sex in front of your kids will turn Parents should only have sex in them evil, gay front of their children BY STACY GEORGE
Lancaster Mother aving sex in front of your newborn is unhealthy and unnatural. Children should not be exposed to sex at all until they are married. As a parent, you have to know what is acceptable for your child to see or do. You must be in full control. With this in mind, you must not let your children see anything that may make them question their upbringing. If your children are exposed to sex at a young age, they will question you, and you will lose your power. They aren’t supposed to know of such things until they are married. Only then can they fulfill God’s decree and bring more followers of Christ into the world. Children that see their parents have sex are more prone to drug addiction and alcoholism later in life. Is that the life you want for your child? Once your child catches you and your husband in the act, he might become scarred and turn gay! That would make you responsible for your child’s homosexual sins! He may even try to masturbate when he comes of age. Having a masturbator in your house?! I can’t think of any worse situations! Except possibly a gay masturbator! Nancy, the head of my church group, told me that having sex in front of your children would also spark anger in them, leading to murderous thoughts when they become adults. How guilty would you feel if your child became a murderer because you had sex in front of him while he was an infant?! So now you will not only have a gay masturbator as your child, but a gay MURDEROUS masturbator! By having sex in front of your child, you are carving the path for your child’s dark journey to hell!
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Bonding With Your Teen By Rebelling With Them
BY SHARON APPLEGATE
Humboldt Mother aving sex in front of your baby is totally acceptable. When your child is still a baby, he will not be able to commit what he’s seeing to memory and will be unaware of what is happening. But having sex while your child is in the room doesn’t have to stop after your child develops the mental facilities to understand what is going on. It’s also acceptable and healthy to make love with your partner when your child gets older so that the parents set a healthy example of what is expected in a loving relationship. I have children at the ages of 18 months, two years, and eight years, and they are very aware of when my husband and I have sex. In fact, it is fairly normal for them to be in the room when we engage in intimate activities. In a household where clothing is optional, I believe my children have developed very healthy ideas about body image and sexuality. Having sex in front of your children is not only healthy for them in terms of their outlook on relationships, but also life as a whole as they learn that love is a beautiful thing that should not be stigmatized. We here in the Applegate nest believe that the best way to teach your child about sex is to show them the act itself. When our eight-year-old Joey turned six, he asked us about sex. We felt that the easiest way to explain it to him was to show him exactly what sex was. We sat him down and had him watch as my husband and I made love, while explaining to our son exactly what we were doing and how we were feeling in that moment. Having done this, we know that we have answered all of his questions. I plan on doing the same with each of my children once they start having questions about sexuality.
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Baby Sitter Reviews Review Date: June 15, 2012 Overall: F Debbie Turner from Batresville, AR Review by TracysMom
Debbie was a sweet girl, she came early to get a feel of the house and bonded with my little daughter Tracy almost instantly. I had such a good feeling about her and left the house feeling confident, but when I got back I was dismayed to find my house in complete disarray, with overturned vases, the power and phone lines cut, a broken window, and the bodies of four people: Debbie’s boyfriend, two police officers, and a man wearing a mechanic jumpsuit and a rabbit mask. There was also blood everywhere, and I found Debbie holding my child next to the body of the man with the mask! I can’t believe she would let my child see a dead body like that, and then have the nerve to track blood all over my house. So disappointing.
Review Date: March 9, 2014 Overall: A Bed Bath & Beyond Dorm Body Pillow (Pink) Review by jeaninehearts2shop
Propped it up in the recliner and covered it with blankets while I had Matthew clean his room, then told him the babysitter was here but taking a nap and don’t bother her. I came back to him sleeping quietly in a pile of stuffed animals and the house in perfect order. Worked great, will definitely do again.
Review Date: April 29, 2014 Overall: B Some guy in the Ralphs Parking Lot Review by livingstrong
I needed someone to watch my kid (Jeremy?) while I went to the ESPN Zone bar with my buds, so I dropped him off with a rando in the Ralph’s parking lot nearby. He was cool; when I went to pick up my kid, he invited some guys from the police department and a hot chick from the Child Protective Services to come party, and they were showing my kid a good time. They kept trying to make me stay but man, I gotta take care of my kid, you know? lol. Anyway, he was chill would have him watch my kid again. Gary my kid’s name is Gary!!!
Review Date: March 30, 2014 Overall: F A DOGGN A KAT NA MOWS Review by MrsDoolittle
This adorable team of a dog, a cat, and a mouse was initially very appealing in that they allowed me to vicariously live my childhood fantasy of being raised by friendly animals and also support a local non-hierarchical business effort. However, it proved disappointing. I returned home to find a sleeping dog in the corner and a cat licking its chops smugly on my mantlepiece where my silken flowers were. My softly whimpering child was covered in slobber and crumbs. Distressed, she had apparently rolled herself into a carpet burrito. And the mouse must have gone home early, because it was nowhere to be seen. How irresponsible.
Review Date: March 24, 2014 Overall: A Debbie Turner from Batresville, AR Review by TracysMom Jesus
I told my son that Jesus was always watching him. I have yet to catch him in the act of disobedience. Where there is a will there is a way; my husband and I have the will of God on our side. Recommended method.
PHOTO BY SORA CHEE
“Come on, do a line. What are you, a narc? Legally, you have to tell me if you’re a narc,” said this father.
BY KEVIN CHU
Daddy Blogger he teen years are tough. Some days, the most I seem to get out of my 16-year-old Jeremy when I ask about his day is, “Whatever,” or “Pretty good, tutored Sydney in math.” Brr, why are you so cold to me, man? It seems like just yesterday you were just a little kid and I was teaching you how to drive and you said, “Thanks, dad, you’re a good driving teacher.” How do you rekindle that bond, especially when your toughie teen is pushing back against all attempts for you to hang out with them? Well, when in Rome, you wear a toga: Go through the stages of rebellion alongside your teen! It will really help you understand where they’re coming from. I recently spent a year doing the typical rebellious things my teen did, and wrote a bit about it.
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Listening to “alternative” music
One of the first signs that your little angel is starting to sprout devil’s horns is when they start listening to “alternative” music. In my day, it was The Eagles, but don’t look at the sounds of yesterday for the rebel of today! These days, the hot new sound is “twerking,” and my son Jeremy loves it. When I was “bumpin’” some “sick beats” in his room the other day, he definitely agreed with it, nodding and smiling while I showed him my “booty-poppin’.” I felt a real connection!
Staying out late
When you start imposing curfews to keep your kids out of trouble, sometimes your kids say the meanest things, like, “That sounds fair to me.” Whoa, “bro!” Let’s turn the sarcasm meter down from a Spinal Tappin’ 11! Curfews will only encourage them to stay out late and ditch weekly board game nights. So make a compromise that they can go out late, but only if it’s with you. Then, cruise bars with them on weeknights! Jeremy always loved it when we hit “da” clubs together; while we were “chillaxin’” he kept telling me that he “loved the club but can we go home soon? I have physics homework.” He was also texting the whole time and probably inviting girls to hang out! They never showed; I guess their parents weren’t quite as “with it” as his old man!
Dating a “bad” girl
Staying cool in the pool hasn’t really changed much, so I saw this classic rebellion move right when Jeremy brought home Cynthia, his new girlfriend. She said she was in a band called the “Marching Toros of Grossmont High,” which is probably one of those “independent” bands. But hey, kid, your old man can keep up, too! I started bringing home Katherine, the intern at work! I love my wife Cheryl, so Katherine knows that this is not a real affair and that we’re only “friends with benefits.” Which is to say, we’re friends who have slumber parties a lot! My wife Cheryl is so accommodating of our relationship; she even locks herself in our room when Katherine comes over so that we can gossip and do each other’s nails in peace!
Getting bad grades
When Jeremy’s teacher called to tell me that she felt like he might be “going out to clubs too much on school nights,” I knew right away that this was classic teen tactic of not doing well in school to stick it to “The Man” (me, or the government). So I started going to his classes and slackin’ to the max. It was so great, the two of us “cool cats” just loungin’ in AP Calculus while Mr. Lowe taught us integrals — yawn! I could hear my kid sighing at the loser material right along with me. I got banned from the school and lost my job for missing so many days so that I could go to school; it was so sick. Now, Jeremy and I are closer than ever. He’s going off to college soon, and I can already tell he’s gonna miss hanging out with his chill pops because when I asked him about college the other day he said, “I don’t really want to talk to you about it.” Don’t worry, kid; I’m sure you’ll find a friend almost as sick and chill as your old man at college. Party!
Review Date: April 27, 2014 Overall: D Real Housewives of Orange County Review by HeatherMorris67
I sent my kid to his room and then turned on the TV so he would think we were still home. Enjoyed some quiet drinks and alone time with my husband and came home relaxed and refreshed, but chose the wrong show because now my son thinks my husband cheated on me, I lost a $600 shoe (permanently ruining my wardrobe), and we may be adopting another pedigree Shih Tzu. Next time will try Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
Review Date: April 15, 2012 Overall: C Shelley Robinson Babycare Review by silenceisgolden001
she’s CPR certified an can make macaroni and chees with hot dogs in it but has a minimum volume level of 80 decibels. not the choice if your trying to encourage your children how to use inside voices like we wer. two months of work undone in 45 min. also the neighbors complained that they didnt care what our children’s lego sculpture lookd like at each stage throughout its construction.
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No Sheep Left Behind: Kindergarteners to Be Tested on Animal Noises
April 30, 2014
World’s Best Dad Discovers Treacherous Plot to Dethrone Him
BY KATHERINE WOOD
Finger-Painting Expert he Animal Noise Proficiency Bill was signed into effect on Thursday, instating into the national battery of standardized tests a new test that is designed to measure students’ recognition of animal noises and ability to produce accurate animal imitations when prompted. The tests will be given at the kindergarten level starting next school year. Politicians regard the bill as an important accomplishment in improving the quality of what President Obama has referred to as “vital early childhood education.” “The public school system has a responsibility to educate our children in not only academically, but culturally relevant ways so that students can integrate into the fabric of their country and communities more easily,” explained California Department of Education Superintendent Tom Torlakson. “It’s important for our children to understand that the only recognized sound a dog can make is either ‘bow wow’ or ‘arf,’ and if they insist on arguing that dogs say some crazy thing like ‘ruff’, they’re just wrong. Nobody appreciates a maverick attitude like that, and such insistence on noncompliance with societal norms needs to be weeded out at an early age.” Community responses have been generally supportive, with many adults giving their approval due to the fact that they, along with everyone else they know, were taught animal noises in their youth. “My great-grandfather would have been proud to hear of this. I’ve never forgotten the story of the time he was taking the cows in with his best friend and was able to save himself and the cows by determining that it was in fact a bear and not a stray pig that was following them through the woods,” said local daycare director Marissa Boaz. “I can imagine my kids doing the same when disaster strikes and there’s a tiger mauling innocent people at the community pool.” However, difficulties have arisen as schools across the nation struggle to find instructional time to dedicate to animal noises. “We already pass on kids who don’t have the skills they need to do their work because it might be awkward for them to be a year older than their classmates anyway, so even if animal noises replace reading time, it doesn’t really change a lot,” commented a local elementary school teacher, who preferred to be left anonymous. “But realistically, we’re shit out of luck. We can’t shorten recess due to physical education requirements and we can’t stop showing animated movie versions of children’s books because
T
PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE
Jenkins promptly found himself to also be the recipient of the office’s Second Biggest Emotional Wreck award.
Myers-Briggs Guide to Discovering Your Inner Parent Parents tend to fall into two categories: those who want to lounge around in a fluffy robe, swilling champagne and having oiled-up, rosemary-basil-oil infused massages while their children run saccharine and amok as their tired, frazzled nanny looks on while working her way out of college debt with this minimum wage plus tip job, and then those parents who actually do. Are you a purist parent or a hedonist? This quiz is divided up into four categories to assess your parental style. Are you an extrovert (E) or introvert (I)?
1. When shopping for lunchbox snacks for your child to pack to school, you prefer: a. A party-size pack of string cheese so they can share with all their friends, string by string b. The ease and simplicity of individually wrapped croutons 2. Friendship bracelets? a. A fan b. Not a fan 3. What size is your car? a. Large. The car salesman told us this school bus was a symbol of fertility b. Small. Once the baby learns how to walk, it’s walking everywhere If you’ve answered mostly A’s you’re an extrovert. If you answered mostly B’s, then you’re a natural born introvert.
What’s stronger: your sense (S) or your intuition (N)?
1. It’s time for your child to learn how to swim. How do you teach them? a. Assign the them to read the Swimming Handbook, and give them a garbage bag you’ve fashioned into a kiddie pool b. Provide paper and a box of crayons in 60 different brilliant colors of blue, and ask them to draw their feelings 2. You suspect the kid has been eating paste (again). This time, you decide to: a. Replace the paste in the bottle with mayonnaise. That’ll do it b. Eat paste along with the kid. Maybe they’re onto something special! 3. Where do you take your kids on vacation? a. Berlin. All that Brutalist architecture will really set them straight b. Las Vegas. There are fewer places on Earth with such great diversity as an all-you-can-eat buffet Bringing your A game means your sensing side is on strong, and answering mostly B’s just means your intuitive side is on the forefront. You are actively involved in your child’s life, your days are packed with
ESTP bonding activities. We suspect your kid won’t move out until they’re 28. From play dates to Play-Doh, you likely own seven beach-friendly rompers
ENFP with all the children clawing at you to play.
Like Battleship, parenting for you involves strategy, wit, and survival. Your
What do you value more: your thoughts (T) or your feelings (F)?
1. During spring cleaning, you accidentally stumble upon your child’s diary, and the entries infuriate you. You: a. Grade it b. Grate it 2. How do you check the weather? a. If you can’t read your sundial, it’s too cold to go out b. Weather is irrelevant when there’s always the question of whether 3. When compiling a disaster-preparedness kit, you include: a. A flashlight, a pack of four AAA batteries, and Wrigley’s Winterfresh gum b. Laozi’s 6th century classic Dao De Jing, to shine you through times of philosophical darkness If you’re leaning towards the A’s, you’re a thinker. Answering mostly B’s makes you a feeler.
Finally, are you the judgin’ (J) or the percevin’ (P) kind?
1. Your child’s birthday is coming up and hiring entertainment is a must. You book: a. The Blue Man Group. Your living room needed a fresh coat of paint for spring anyway b. The local Bob Ross impersonator because, unfortunately, the Picasso impersonator was already booked 2. What do you look for in a pediatrician? a. An extensive repertoire of health, beauty, and nature magazines in the waiting room b. A college degree and a lollipop to claim after every visit. 3. Your kid has defied all odds and graduated high school, so you want to give them something special that they’ll use for a lifetime. You walk into Best Buy and head for the: a. Panini press. You’re a firm believer that you are what you eat, and it is really difficult to screw up a panini. b. Pine-scented air freshener. You realize that there are some things you don’t want to know about your kid If you marked mostly A’s, then your judgment may lead you toward a glorious career in law. For mostly B: you’re perceptive, but don’t fire your psychic yet. You’re a natural born teacher and PTA leader, but that doesn’t stop you
ESFP from eating raw cookie dough batter, because you’re a kid at heart too.
Not the kind to stay still, you’ve got your kid wearing rollerskates because they
ENTP can’t keep up, but you’ll stop long enough to wear their macaroni earrings.
Always with a breath mint on hand and a stockpile of Dramamine in the
ESTJ child will be the first at school with a Swiss army knife and the last to run
ESFJ trunk, you’re the kind of parent who will circle the school in your car in
ENFJ
ENTJ
ISTP INFP ISTJ INFJ
out of canned chili rations in an apocalypse. Fast-thinking and quick-acting, you’re the first to bribe your kid’s teacher when their report card comes less than satisfactory and the last to admit to waiting 40 minutes in line at your local In-N-Out for a key to the bathroom. Graphs, spreadsheets, pie charts, and pie tins — you’re an analytical parent, the one who makes sure that the kid doesn’t take in more than 500 mg of sugar a day and is burning 600 calories per hour. Loyalty is one of your best qualities, and to deal with an argument with your child, adopting a dog is a surefire solution. You have a houseful of dogs. Quiet, serious, and practical, your idea of a family reunion involves getting the kids together for a good old black crystal séance. Organization and creativity are your two main pursuits, and you’ve bonded with your child on various trips to Michael’s and the Container Store.
Contributing Writer n a recent development anticipated to stir up tensions in the San Diego area, World’s Best Father Bryan Jenkins received intelligence reports of an oncoming coup led by neighbor Walter Peters. Peters, the report reveals, was seen drinking out of a “Best Dad Ever” mug at his bi-annual dinner party — a clear violation of neighborhood law. The report also unveiled U2 spy plane photographs showing several other local dads participating in similar tactics, some even going as far as sporting “#1 Dad” t-shirts. Jenkins has made it clear that he views Peters and his followers’ actions as a direct threat to his status. “There can only be one World’s Best Dad,” he said. “And that’s going to be me.” The World’s Best Dad, a position chosen carefully and deliberately by a conclave of Jenkins’ own World’s Best Sons & Daughters, has traditionally been the sole recipient of any and all “Best Dad” merchandise. Recent polls, however, suggest that over 82 percent of the world’s citizens favor opening up the position to include several more dads. In response to this statistic, Jenkins said, “Look, I don’t think you people understand. The word ‘best’ is a superlative. There quite literally can’t be more than one ‘best.’ That’s just absurd.” Historically, the “World’s Best Dad” title has gone to the one man whom Jenkins’ own offspring deem to be the greatest father figure on Earth. The recent uprisings, however, may put an end to the single World’s Best Dad tradition forever. To quell any further uprisings, sources confirmed that Jenkins is currently training an army consisting of his two sons and daughter. Although he concedes it will be a relatively small army, Jenkins insists it remains a formidable force. “Emily was just named ‘Most Improved’ in her Mighty Mite soccer league, so I’d watch out if I were Walt,” Jenkins said. Immediately following the report, Jenkins requested an emergency meeting with Peters in an attempt to solve the feud with diplomacy. Peters, however, denies any involvement in a coup plot. “My son got me this mug. They sell them at Target,” Peters insisted. A Target insider, who prefers to remain anonymous, confirmed that the retail giant does indeed carry several lines of “World’s Best Dad” mugs and has agreed to sell them to the militants. In response to this, Jenkins reportedly said, “Let me get this straight. There is an entire stock of Best Dad mugs to be sold to regular, everyday fathers? Is nothing sacred?!”
I our school made a deal with Scholastic© back in 2000,” our source continued. “I’m just telling parents to practice reading, writing, and counting with their children every night on their own goddamn time, because there’s no fucking way I’m giving up naptime — the only quiet hours of the day—to fill it with the varied screams, howls, and yodels of farm animals.” The administrative issues and lack of dynamic, multi-sensory test preparation appropriate for all learning styles have caused some to reconsider the value of the test. Local PTA President Luz Castaneda summed it up with the comment, “If a sheep ‘baa’s but nobody’s there to hear it, does it make a sound? Why does it matter if kids are prepared for a situation which will almost certainly not happen in today’s urban age?”
ISFP INTP ISFJ INTJ
case your kid needs some spoon-feeding during recess. Leadership comes easy to you, and you’ve got matching beret and ascot sets with your kid. You love the spotlight — since watching “The Sound of Music” your dream was to raise a large family bound for stardom. Your child still doesn’t know about that quarter in college you dropped out to work at a resort in Cabo. Bonding can be difficult, but you’ve always got a tape full of Hall and Oates so their friends think you’re cool. You might be stubborn, but you always pull through. You don’t believe in punishment corners, but when you say an apple a day, you mean it. Responsible and conscientious, you balance your busy work schedule with family duties by firing your secretary and taking your kid to work for you. Original and highly committed, it was your idea that kids replace sugarheavy juice boxes with the healthy virgin Bloody Mary.
BY ALEJANDRA CERVANTES
TOP TEN
Things You Don’t Want to Overhear on Your Baby Monitor 10. A loud thunk 9. “It’s all right, just switch them. They’ll never know” 8. The voice of the little old woman who died in that room five years ago 7. Your significant other explaining that they love them more 6. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” 5. The end of “True Detective” that you haven’t seen yet 4. “You’re a wizard, Harry” 3. Creaking bed 2. David Bowie 1. “But you’re just a baby … is that an ax?!”
THE MQ
The 13th and 17th most popular letters, respectively
Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge
April 30, 2014
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Make Your Little Princess Feel Like a Little Princess
Teething FAQ
Baby teeth in their natural state are sharp enough to puncture a human aorta. Teething is the process by which your children blunt these sharp edges, thereby reducing their threat to themselves, you, and the home you share. For this reason, it’s important not to interrupt the teething process! Fact: An estimated one in every 610 American babies fails to complete the teething process, a malfunction that has resulted in over 34,000 parental injuries, including 800 fatalities and 56 severed breast nipples in 2013. When does my child start teething? Now. Later. I don’t know, whenever.
PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD
“This one’s named Rocky and this one’s named Scaley,” explained the young princess, pointing excitedly at the crocodiles circling her moat. “They love raw chicken and their favorite color is rainbow.”
BY NATALIE MCLAIN
Freelance Wetnurse rom the moment she was born and you looked into that delicate little face, you immediately understood the definition of love at first sight. A few years will bring growth and maturity, and she will inevitably go from being your little bundle of joy to your little bundle of prepubescent angst and hormones. But one thing that she’ll never stop being is your little princess. Here are some tips for any parent to employ when welcoming a bouncy baby girl into their family in order to make her truly feel like a princess from the moment she’s born. The first thing you’ll need is a four-poster bed. Everyone knows that princesses can only rest their precious little heads under the dutiful watch of ornate oak pillars and silken drapes. This sleeping arrangement, of course, is not to go without appropriately luxurious silken sheets. Who ever heard of a princess sleeping on cotton, the peasant’s fabric? Be advised, however, not to splurge too early in your daughter’s life, as you’ll want to have enough saved up to eventually buy sheets for her dowry. These, of course, will need to be white and pure, so that when your daughter’s future husband, a complete stranger that you choose for her, has his way with her on their wedding night, the family you’ve bartered her off to will be able to check to ensure that the sheets are spotted with the red roses of your daughter’s virginity. It goes without saying that you’ll ensure that she remains untainted by any other man before she’s married (princesses are an integral part of
F
arranging alliances, but it’s rather hard to bargain with “used parts,” so to speak). Speaking of marital status, it’s also important that early on in your daughter’s life you impress upon her the importance of finding a husband. Your love for your child should manifest itself as enthusiasm for arranging a marriage as early in their lives as possible. In utero arrangements are actually encouraged; it’s never too early to start! Most of your child rearing should actually be focused on preparing your daughter for marriage. She should, of course, be homeschooled. You wouldn’t want to have her running around with the peasants and riffraff to be found in the public education system. A large portion of her education should be focused on social conduct, but she should also have a fair knowledge of politics and presiding over the estate. It is key to your daughter’s future that she is very dedicated to her education. Unlike most plebeian parents, you don’t have the option of spanking or pinching cheeks when your daughter misbehaves. So, to ensure that she stays focused and acts in socially acceptable ways, you may want to consider getting her a whipping boy or girl. This way you’ll never have to inflict pain upon her royal skin, but you can force her into obedience by torturing another, completely innocent child in front of her eyes when she misbehaves. If she falls in love with said whipping boy or girl, you can also teach her a lesson of the futility of “true love” by publicly executing them for trying to take your daughter into their serf lifestyle. If and only if you follow all of these steps, your daughter will ever thank you for making her “your little princess.”
Parenting Parables: Reader-Submitted Stories
La Jolla Wharf District Did Not Live up to Expectations
How I Learned to Get Beauty Sleep with Kids
I’m not usually one to complain about local landmarks; usually I just shake it off and move on. But in this case, I have to voice my concerns with one of our lesser known beach locales: the wharf district where I brought my children last weekend. It was hard to find any sand at all! It seemed like the whole place was just cement roads with shipping containers right up to the water line. We made do the best we could, but had an unpleasant interaction after I moved a dolly to make room for my family’s towel: A union guy threatened to make us leave if I ever touched it again. The water itself didn’t seem to be clean; I was concerned about the acrid, gasoline-like taste my children described. Additionally, it seemed like every couple of minutes a massive ship swung by to unload cargo. I mean, this seems like a real zoning problem — whose idea was it to put a shipping lane in a public beach area? — Rhonda Mallorca, Austin TX
Normally I wake up to the sound of my spawn babies’ tears or the jumping of my two-year-old on my bed while my worthless husband acts like the events taking place have not interrupted his beauty sleep (this is a man who complains about late night Home Improvement reruns waking him up). But not last Sunday. Instead, I awoke to the sound of chirping birds and peace instead of chaos. For a moment, I thought that I was just lucky, but things were too normal. I didn’t bother waking up the husband; he is dumber than a box of rocks. I rushed to the living room, then the kitchen. Then I glanced into the children’s room and saw the open bottle of Jim Bean I had left out. My toddler had managed to drink more than a thimble while the baby was still sleeping from the bit I had put in her milk to stop her teething. My family now practices our new mantra, “Liquor before bed means a sleepier head.” — Kenneth Brew, Kansas City, MO
Child Leash Switched with Dog Leash
What Hamsters Taught Me About Parents
Hello, I am a long time reader, first time writer. One sunny day in Tulsa I wanted to let my little angel Juniper run around our local park and see the blooming flowers. I used the Mommy’s Helper Kid Keeper Child Safety Harness™ to make sure she stayed near me. I know I can just watch her and make sure she doesn’t walk away but I am a very busy mother. She’s always asking for us to get a puppy but we can’t because of my allergies, so I had let her go to pet some of the neighborhood dogs for about only a minute. There were so many leashes that all looked the same that I just grabbed one and walked off. I had a very important call from the office as we walked back. When I got home I noticed that my allergies were acting up, and saw that instead of my child I had a pitbull on the other end of the leash. His name is Archie and although I have not found Juniper he has become an integral part of our family. —Tammie Stevens, Tulsa, OK
When I was pregnant with my firstborn, my husband and I decided that we wanted to try some parenting techniques that were more natural, traditional methods. With that in mind, we chose the best parents, hamsters, to be our guide! Right after little Hilda was born, my husband Dave and I covered the house in five feet of shredded newspaper and installed water droppers in place of sinks. We find that we use much less water this way! It’s a blessing that we’ve chosen this lifestyle. We’ve had 16 children in the past 18 months and, so far, I’ve only had to eat four of them. Bob, my husband, has learned his lesson not to get too close to me when the babies are around! We’ve written a book about our experiences, and it’ll be coming to a book store near you. Look out for “Battle Hymn of the Hamster Mother.” — Carol Malone, New York, NY
What kind of things are safe for babies to teeth on? Avoid anything that can break into pieces that your child may cut themselves on, and also human flesh so that they can avoid “the hunger.” Try to avoid giving them “teething rings” with liquid on the insides, as the chemicals these devices contain can cause your baby to multiply. What’s the pressure of my baby’s bite? 1700 psi is enough to break a human femur, so at 3400 psi, they have more than enough power to snap right through it! How much love bite is too much love bite? Every good parent knows that nibbling on your child is an important part of the parent-child bonding experience. Make sure you bite it harder to show it that you’re in charge. My baby is getting jealous that his baby friends are getting teeth before him, what should I do? Get it a set of temporary chompers, like the titanium teeth the dogs who caught Osama bin Laden had or the wooden teeth George Washington had. Is it ethical to use my child’s teeth as a can opener? Sure, we’ve all been there. You never know when you’ll be stuck on a camping trip or when another Great Depression will hit us. My child has three layers of teeth, is he a shark? I don’t know, possibly. That’s nuts. Can he breathe underwater?
TOP TEN
Ways to Kill Your Child’s Imaginary Friend 10. Pretend poison 9. Thousands of dollars and years of therapy 8. Sage the house and sprinkle it with holy water 7. Public education; that kills creativity and imagination 6. Ship the imaginary child to a farm upstate 5. Adopt another child, tell them their friend materialized 4. Imaginary Obamacare 3. Tell them if that they want to have imaginary friends they get imaginary parents too 2. Let their hopes and dreams die naturally like yours did 1. Grow up; you have to acknowledge that he’s your son
Matching Match these prompts to the images below: 1. I swear I saw him three minutes ago ... 2. Leftovers you’re having for dinner tonight 3. Mommy’s happy juice/finally 4. Dammit, that’s the second one in five months! 5. What I dream about every night 6. I never thought I’d end up here. I was going to be a rockstar 7. Damn it, I forgot to pick up the kids an hour ago a.
b.
Danny the D
c.
d.
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(Things Overheard at Your
“Do you think we’re depriving th them french fries?”
g.
“You can have Davey on Sundays if games next month.”
“This could be the sleep deprivat burger I’ve had in a long time.”
“You’re proposing . . . to me? Here
“We’ve really been much better pretending to love each other.”
“What the fuck is with this placem
Answers: 1a, 2f, 3e, 4b, 5c, 6g, 7d.
find yourself back at Danny’s myself the same thing every g. But the important thing is, here, and while your kids play ur iPhone, you’re stuck with o. So Danny is here to proh a few moments of distrach this fun, adult placemat. “Enjoy.”
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Dif ferences: Joy, Free time, Sexual Intimacy, The light that used to be in your eyes, Economic prosperity, The smell of bourbon
Disgruntled Waitress
Spot the Differences
Menu The MLB Sandwich
$6 A savory delight to take you straight to the sights and smells of the ol’ ball game. Comes on white bread with mayonnaise, lettuce, and bacon.
Pain Grillé au Fromage
$4.50 Savory cheese melted between two perfectly grilled slices of top quality Wonder Bread.
The “Rio 2” Pineapple Teriyaki Chicken Burger
$12.95 The hit we introduced when the original “Rio” came out is back on the menu. We recycle all the old ingredients, just like the movie’s humor!
Avocado Wrapped in Bacon $6, $8 for a pitted avocado
*healthy option*
Two-Steaks Solution
$18 after 3,000 years of fighting over the price
Catcher in the Rye Bread Sandwich
$7, $10 if you still don’t think Caulfield is an asshole
Socioeconomic Lasagna
$20 A top layer of rich velvety cheese sprinkled with saffron and caviar trickling down onto a small layer of discount lasagna noodles. All resting on a large bed of ramen noodles, happy meals, pop tarts, ketchup packets and food stamps.
Glass of NyQuil
$7 2006 Pinot $9 1993 Cabernet Danny’s provides a large selection of nighttime cold medicine straight from the source: Napa Valley.
Parenting with kids!
April 30, 2014
FECAL MATTERS
A differential taxonomy of poops. Page 3
IS YOUR CHILD AN ASSHOLE? Take our quiz to find out. Page 5
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE GYM The deadly dangers of the modern park. Pages 6-7
KIDS CUTTING ONIONS
Taste bombs away! With the Air Force Yum from the official Secret Service™ line of toys, getting your little Blue Angel to eat at meal time won’t be such a dogfight! With its aerodynamic wings and realistic flight sounds, you’ll be the Top Gun of the baby-feeding town. You’ll never have to make your own plane noises again!
HOW YOUNG IS TOO YOUNG TO HELP IN THE KITCHEN?