The MQ Volume 28 Issue 4 by The MQ

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

February 2, 2022

“I’d never stoop so low as to be fashionable.” - Pete Davidson, SNL Comedian

Volume XXVIII Issue IV

The Perfect Gift for Her <3

Photoshop Object Select Stops Identifying Women, Claims They Are Not Objects

IN THIS ISSUE EMILY QUPID

JAMES WEBB TELESCOPE FINDS TRAGEDY IN OUTER SPACE

A GLIMPSE INTO THE MQ FROM 3022

6,7

ON-CAMPUS HOUSING REGRESSES TO PHASE ZERO

PSYCH STUDENT DEVELOPS CURE FOR DÉJÀ VU

NEWS IN BRIEF PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH “Good thing I still have MS Paint on my computer,” said Dugnutt. “Microsoft doesn’t give a shit about objectifying women.”

PARAMOUNT HALO TV SHOW TO INCLUDE INTERN OCS

Britney Dugnutt demonstrated the EmpowerHer retouching filters on herself. “I don’t recognize myself,” she said, “Photoshop somehow gave me simultaneous lip fillers and lip reductions. I have never had skin that smooth. And it looks like my nose job got a nose job.” Despite professional and amateur users alike expressing frustration with the Photoshop update, CEO Gordon Crunch shows no sign of retracting the changes. In a statement released by Adobe shortly after their announcement, Crunch wrote, “I see women everywhere saying they hate the new Photoshop. But if I’m being honest, I’d be much more willing to listen to them after the red lip tool and rhinoplasty filter have a go at them.”

The first trailer for the Halo Paramount TV series released on January 29th to fans across the globe on Twitter. This trailer included many scenes that many fans claimed, “wouldn’t normally be considered Halo,” and were reportedly interested in how these changes will deviate this story from the long established canon. Many fans were confused about the introduction of a human character on the side of the Covenant, which has never happened under established lore. Paramount replied to these comments stating, “We do in fact have a new character named Makee, a child who was orphaned

CDC Recommends Hiding Vaccines Under Mashed Potatoes to Get Anti-Vaxxers to Take Their Medicine

“This Valentine’s Day, we’re trying to get a leg up on the competition, nonsexually,” stated Paula Helvetica, head of Marketing at Sweetheart’s Candies. “Studies show that hyperspecificity is in right now. Regular lovey-dovey phrases like “Be Mine” or “XOXO” just aren’t enough in this emotionally oversaturated market.” Helvetica went on to explain, “It’s passé to say that you love someone, nowadays. All people care about now is weird shit like ‘I respect you,’ ‘I know your love language,’ and ‘I’ll actually listen when you talk about things that bother you, and will modify my behavior in

BY SHARON ROTH

Graphics Editor

ecently, Adobe has ruffled some feathers following an announcement about their updated version of Photoshop. In addition to improving performance, the update introduces several features that CEO Gordon Crunch claims will “revolutionize the future of photo editing by changing the way we see the way women change the way they see themselves.” The update boasts several new capabilities, such as an upgraded object select tool. Previously, users needed to drag their mouse around an object and Photoshop would automatically find the borders of the object using color contrast. Now, with Smart Object Select, the software can not

only recognize whether the area users select contains an entity, but it can use artificial intelligence to identify whether that entity is an object or not. Gordon Crunch called this feature Adobe’s “feminist pièce-de-resistance,” as it would recognize the entity as a woman but “refuse to imprison her in the confines of the selection area, because, as my lawyers keep telling me, women are not objects.” Britney Dugnutt, a San Diegan wedding photographer, took to her Instagram page to express her thoughts on the Photoshop software update. Dugnutt shared a post that showed how she could not use Photoshop to edit an image of a bride mid-sneeze. “It’s a blow to my career,” said Dugnutt in the post, “because the new Photoshop has so

many new settings that I can’t turn off. I don’t know what to tell the brides I photograph.” The automatic settings Dugnutt mentioned are Photoshop’s new EmpowerHer package, which is a set of adjustments and tools that apply to what the software deems “non-objects.” One deviation is that the EmpowerHer setting does not include the clone stamp tool. Gordon Crunch explained, “why would you need to clone yourself when there’s one unique you?” The EmpowerHer setting also retouches photos to “bring out inner beauty.” In addition to the red eye tool, Photoshop users can deploy the red lips tool, eyeliner tool, and plastic surgery tool. Furthermore, after identifying a woman, Photoshop automatically enables the “inner glow” layer style.

and raised by the Covenant. We think that she will bring a new spin to the Halo universe. We don’t expect every Halo fan to accept her with open arms, but we’ve got so many new characters it doesn’t matter. We’ve got a whole new cast of characters to enjoy! We’ve got a Hunter that enjoys poetry, a marine that screams ‘booyah’ every fifteen seconds and a grunt that has these huge, I mean absolutely impeccable, set of kn––” Brian Robbins, Paramount’s CEO, has already made a fallout plan to scapegoat a lowly intern for inserting “quirky characters in a serious, gritty universe.”

CANDY HEARTS TO CONTAIN MORE SPECIFIC DECLARATIONS OF LOVE accordance to your wants and needs, expecting the same in return.’ It’s horrible! That can’t fit on an embroidered heart pillow, let alone a candy heart!” But many are reportedly excited about this change. “It’s so nice to see candy hearts diversifying –– you get kind of bored of seeing the same platitudes year after year,” said selfproclaimed “romantic” Juliet Kink. But when asked if she was planning on gifting these newly branded hearts to her girlfriend, Kink gave an immediate, “Absolutely not. I love my girlfriend. Those things taste horrible.”

DAMNING PHOTOS SURFACE OF TUCKER CARLSON WITH THE GREEN M&M PHOTO BY ROBIN BREWIN “The worst part wasn’t the vaccine — it was the fact that the Dino Nuggets were touching the mac ‘n’ cheese,” complained Hetfield. BY EVERETT RIRIE

Ass. Content Editor

n a media statement released via a chain email on February 4th at 2:47 a.m., the Center for Disease Control endorsed new tactics for increasing COVID-19 vacci-

nation status among adults who have thus far declined vaccination. Under the new directions for vaccine distribution, nurses will attempt to disguise the vaccine and distract patients with a homecooked meal. With COVID-19 cases sky-

rocketing across the US due to the Omicron variant, doctors have expressed concerns over vaccination rates. Some, to the surprise of leading anti-vax scientists and their research teams/Facebook groups, are suggesting the possibility that unvaccinated

individuals “might somehow be contributing to the continuation of the pandemic.” The CDC’s statement indicates some agreement with these doctors, saying, “We’re

See ANTI-VAX, page 2

SOME ROCKS DON’T BRUSH THEIR TEETH

TENNIS NOVICE WINS FIRST GAME

They take their dental health for granite

Is thrust into the limelight

A few days ago, an anonymous user posted photos of famed Fox News host Tucker Carlson leaving a Motel 6 with the Green M&M. Immediately, the internet was flooded with jokes and speculation about the alt-right news host and the humanized piece of candy. Carlson took on these rumors in his show last night. “The liberal media will have you believe that something preservative and perverted was going on with me and Ms. Green M&M,” said Carlson. “They are lying, wilfully. I was only doing what any good American should be doing; fighting for our freedom. The left wants to get rid of everything that makes America great. They

believe that all food mascots should be depressed and wear stupid shoes that don’t compliment their amazing figure. That’s not the America I want to live in. That’s not the America I want for my children. I believe in freedom and justice; the beliefs our Founding Fathers built this country upon. And let me ask you, what is more American than sexy candy mascots? The American people won’t let the left get away with the destruction of core American values. A lot of people are saying this.” When Green M&M was questioned on the nature of her relationship to Carlson she admitted, “Yeah, I hit that.”

See BRIEFS, page 11

Page 2

theMQ.org

February 2, 2022

Computing Major Still In Denial

PHOTO BY JULIA WONG

“Goodbye, World!” printed Stunkens. BY JEANNIE KIM

Ass. Web Editor

o the confusion of many, Lorey Stunkens, a second-year, allegedly refuses to acknowledge that she is majoring in Computer Science. “Ew, no,” said Stunkens when asked. “I’m a Psychology major with a specialization in Social Psychology.” According to her friends and roommates, however, “Everyone already knows the truth.” When asked about herself, she avoided the topic of her course of study; Stunkens introduced herself as an “empath with an artful soul.” She then logged into her Linux laptop to pull up a picture of a stack of poetry books and unsent love letters on her nightstand. Faintly visible over the image was: “iStock by Getty Images™.”

“I watched Spiderman last week and cried, like, 1000101 times,” she said, looking away from her monitor to gaze profoundly into the distance. “Sometimes I think I’m too emotional.” Transcription of the particular noise emitted by Stunkens to convey the number of times she had cried has proven impossible, but it can be crudely described as that of server fans grating against obstructing wires. Stunkens described “weeping and rolling around to soulmate media without even thinking about what kind of search algorithm could find me a soulmate,” and, “making art on MS Paint only using colors that cause eyestrain and definitely aren’t hex values with the powers of two I feel compelled to use” as two of her favorite pastimes. Later, when describing her

daily routine, Stunkens emphasized multiple times that she showers every morning. “I may code — on occasion — but I don’t run on code.” Lorey stated. “Even if I did, the code would be abstracted to such a deep level that you’d probably never understand the complex inner implementations. And no, I don’t like anime.” The following week, Lorey Stunkens was reported missing from several of her introductory computer science courses. After a thorough investigation using a linear search algorithm devised by one of her peers, she was found hiding in a cardboard box outside her dorm room. Onlookers are said to have heard whispers of “dear god” and “this can’t be me” coming from the box. When asked what had happened, Stunkens declined to com-

ment because she was “out of forward slashes.” “We missed the bus on the way back from Shaka Java,” said a friend of Lorey’s who’d witnessed the incident, “and she said, and I quote, ‘don’t worry, another instance of the bus will be coming soon.’ I got stuck in a laugh loop for five straight minutes as she fled in a panic. Where is she, by the way?” Lorey was last found spinning in a chair in the CSE dungeon muttering something about recursion. She was once again safely returned to her dorm where she promised she would reach out to CAPS “for a proper debugging.” According to her roommates, she now takes multiple showers an hour.

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

ANTI-VAX

doing our best to put an end to this mess, and we would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling anti-vaxxers. Therefore, we have been devising a plan to ‘boost’ — get it? — vaccination rates.” “We’ve struggled with convincing anti-vaxxers to get vaccinated for a long time,” reads the statement, “but now we think we’ve found the solution. Studying the behavior of anti-vaxxers has yielded data indicating remarkable similarities between them and toddlers. These findings suggest that the same tactics used to feed toddlers vegetables should apply to anti-vaxxers and vaccines.” The statement continued with an extremely detailed outline of the plan, instructing that hospitals and doctors’ offices around the nation prepare full meals for patients without a COVID vaccination record. The meals would include Kraft™ Macaroni & Cheese, Dino Nuggets, and mashed potatoes. Nurses are to, under the mashed potatoes, place prepared COVID vaccines, explaining that “anti-vaxxers, distracted by their yummy snack, will take the vaccine in their cute, chubby, little hands and inject it directly into their veins, exactly like they would with the delicious mashed potatoes they’ve mistaken it for.” The CDC has not disclosed the purpose of the

Macaroni & Cheese and Dino Nuggets, but has made assurances that “they too are necessary parts of this bold new strategy,” and “most definitely not a paid promotion.” Despite the detailed plan and research to back it, anti-vaxxers have pushed back against the statement. “No! I don’ wanna eat yucky mashed potatoes! No no no no no!” said unlicensed bazooka salesman Lars Hetfield before breaking down in tears and wailing incoherently. Jamie Ulrich, essential oils marketer and “Momfluencer” to her daughters Heighleigh, Hadleigh, and Holleigh, also spoke out, saying, “I 👁doubt they use all natural,🌿locally sourced, non-GMO dinonuggies picked straight from the vine . If it isn’t 100% natural, it’s filled with toxins️, so no, I’m not gonna eat 🍴 the complimentary meal, thank you 👏 very 👏 much. My body my choice.” Rumors have since begun to emerge that the CDC is formulating a response to those who oppose their recent plan. Some sources say that the CDC has begun researching the efficacy of various other methods to encourage vaccination, including threatening to ground anti-vaxxers and preceding the injection by saying, “Here comes the airplane!”

TOP TEN

Uncommon Hazards to your Health 10. FNAF lore 9. Week 10 midterms 8. Deodorant 7. Expired Brita filter water 6. Items branded for women that have no reason to be branded for women 5. The fumes from the “Goop” vagina candle 4. Saying Twitch emotes out loud 3. MBTI personality test 2. The liberal media 1. Lava

Editorial Board Editor-in-Chief.....................Aniela Drumonde Managing Editor.........................Andrew Sitko Content Editor..................Isabelle McKelvey Content Editor.........................Matthew Ware Ass. Content Editor.....................Everett Ririe Ass. Content Editor................Theo Erickson Design Editor.....................................Bri Arce Ass. Design Editor..........Farhad Taraporevala Ass. Design Editor...................Taggert Smith Graphics Editor...........................Sharon Roth Graphics Editor............................Maria Dhilla Ass. Graphics Editor.....................Julia Wong

Social/Publicity Chair....................Jacob King Social/Publicity Settee.......Madeline Mozafari Copy Overlord...........................Adian Valdez Ass. Copy Editor....................Connor Betterly Ass. Web Editor..........................Aaron Sonin Ass. Web Editor.........................Jeannie Kim Distribution Captain....Alex Reinsch-Goldstein Installation Wizard..........................Jack Yang Self-Proclaimed Fun Aunt..........Natalia Nenn Muir Advisor.............................Mario Garibay Muir Student Affairs Graduate Assistant .............................Andrea Espinoza-Hildago

Staff Members Henry Ashcroft Mira Avaramuthan Ayushi Banerjee Full of cursed knowledge Tuesdays at 6 p.m. themq.org. Robin Brewin Shantelle Brooks Yuri Bukhradze The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ Emily Cronan are generously provided by the Muir College Council. Melina Cruz In this, our fourth issue of the MQ, I’m wondering what the future will bring. A fair few of our features have to do with time, and it’s harrowing to see that we’re over halfway through our allotted number of issues this year. Time goes both slowly and quickly during Production, so the time spent here can only be understood through a horrible amalgamation of hindsight and half-remembered context. But I’m keeping steady by thinking of the future. There’s so much to look forward to! There’s our Special Issue coming up the issue after next, plus our stickers and shirt designs being made, and then seeing how our newest editors have fared in this –– their first Production. If anyone ever reads these, apart from my future self, look at the Staff Box! It’s so wonderful seeing it filled with new names. Names that will be filled and emptied and soon there will be new names that never even met the old names. But still there will be something that lingers. I’m going insane trying to conceptualize time and it’s only 2am. Enjoy. Aniela Drumonde

Rani Das Gabrielle Hart Paige Johnson Elise Jonas-Delson Tommy Jung Jina Lee Miranda May George Nassar

Claire McNerney Chiara Ng John Overton Bryce Pollack Sophie Pubb Mike Raucci-Crane Pranav Reddy Pilan Scruggs

Gage Tanzman Mackenzy Tolliver Nicole Tsuyuki Varsha Varkhedi Karina Yu James Woolley Seiji Yang Millie You

Booster Club Ah, Booster Club, remember when I said that we weren’t going to have another Booster Club without names? I’m going to list off names anyway. Thanks Bill, Teddy, Marissa, Morgan, Christie and Zack. We don’t have anyone by that name in the org. So if you see one of them today, tell them to join the MQ.

February 2, 2022

theMQ.org

Man Claims Covid-19 Created to Annoy Him Personally

Page 3

EDITORIAL

Being A Raccoon is Harder Than You Think

BY RACHEL THE RACCOON Former Human

T PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA

“I didn’t think the deep state or my grades could sink so low,” said Klein. BY ALEX REINSCH-GOLDSTEIN wanted me to do online their BILD

Distro Captain

ake Klein, a sophomore in Seventh College, spends most of his day in front of his computer. In addition to attending his online classes for the first part of winter quarter, Klein is extensively active on social media sites, promoting conspiracy theories relating to the COVID-19 pandemic. His most viral theory so far is his hypothesis that the COVID-19 pandemic was created for one sole purpose: to get on his nerves. “I really sat down and got to thinking … you know, everything happens for a reason, said Klein. “This ‘pandemic’ has changed the way all of us live our lives, and we’re just supposed to believe that this all just happened by accident? Cuz some guy got too close to a puddle of bat shit? Come on, man. There has to have been some reason, some agenda behind it. And I know what it was. THEY

school for the first month of winter quarter 2022.” Klein began anonymously promoting his conspiracy theories on 4chan. He then moved to Reddit, where a specific subreddit was created to share his theories that the coronavirus was deliberately created by a “shadowy cabal” in order to push UCSD classes onto Zoom. The subreddit, known as r/ khoslavirus, became one of the top five most popular in the San Diego area. Klein then migrated to Facebook, where he obtained a substantial following among elderly internet users. “It’s been kinda tough,” said Katie Holmes, a 23-year-old Chik-Fil-A employee in Ashland, Kansas, “I came home one day, and my grandma was scrolling Facebook and babbling about how the pandemic was created to make these people in San Diego take

10 class over the internet.” Holmes’s 89 year old grandmother, BettyLouise-Millie-Jean, said, “I knew for a long time that there was something fishy about this whole pandemic thing. Now I know what it is! I spend about 10 hours a day on Facebook reading all of Mr. Klein’s research about this plandemic.” “This shit was engineered in a lab to drive me insane.” said Klein. “People say that the pandemic was created artificially so they could microchip all of us, as if the CIA even gives a shit about that. Like no one wants to track you, all you do is sit and play League of Legends and talk about cryptocurrency, both of which you’re mediocre at. The CIA are after something far more important than global mind control: irritating me personally.” UCSD psychology professor Dr. Calvin Coolidge Cornbluth opined that Klein is “based and solipsism-

pilled.” Cornbluth added, “This guy seems like a chill slatt. He is not a gump fr and I fuxxk with his nunnery.” After his research assistant entered the room to turn him off and turn him back on again, Dr. Cornbluth began speaking in conventional English. “I think we have entered an era in which we are so self-absorbed that every inconvenience seems designed to irritate us personally. But sometimes shit just happens. Like once, I was lying on the corner of Harbor and Laurel, and a grand piano fell out of an airplane cargo hold. One of the legs of the grand piano landed on me and crushed my testicles, so I can’t have kids anymore.” “Fate is cruel and life is capricious. Things happen to us for no reason at all.” said Cornbluth. “Sometimes, all we are is an unsuspecting pair of testicles at the airport, dude.”

Ask Emily Qupid

How do I get over my crush on the many paintings of St. Sebastian in Torment and start getting a crush on real people who will love me back? Honey, I’m sorry the ravishing arrows of St. Sebastian have turned into Cupid’s, but this seems to be hitting an Achilles’ heel: namely, your desperate desire to believe you’re worth loving. You wish your pain was recognized like St. Sebastian’s delicious torment — that your tears are worth more than being used on sniffly nights watching The Sopranos to gabagool away your misery. But, dear reader, you obviously have no voyeur appreciating the beauty of your human imperfections. It’s only you at the end of the night, crying yourself to sleep on sheets you haven’t washed in a month. How can you stop man-crush Mondaying on St. Sebastian? Accept that the Mondays in your life will pass quietly, leaving deep and unlovable scars, and rip out your arrows yourself. Don’t become your own martyr. I accidentally stabbed someone with a fork in the dining hall, how can I spin this into an epic enemies to lovers romance plot? Okay, so this all hedges on two things: a willingness to break a couple privacy laws and a gay best friend whose defining character trait is an undying loyalty to your need to smash. Make sure you see each other again. It doesn’t matter if you hate each other or not. Have you ever seen the hit 2001 romantic comedy film Serendipity starring John Cusack? Force situations to make it like that, but it’s not fate bringing you together: it’s good old-fashioned stalking with a healthy dose of hacking TritonLink

to get their schedule. Whenever you “conveniently” pass them by, shyly look away, and drop all your loose papers. If they brush hair out of your face you’re sold. It helps if you’re beautiful and white, with chestnut brown hair and green eyes with flecks of gold. Then it’s your choice. Fake relationship? Arranged marriage? Convenient tutor? The future is limitless.

How do I make myself more attractive... to potential employers? Never fear! The best way to get a job is to ruthlessly stalk your future employers like you would stalk a crush. Scroll through their Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn profiles. Find out where they went to college, what day they met their wife, how their mother’s signature rhubarb pumpkin pie tastes. Seduce them. Know them. Become them. In doing so, you’ll get the 27 years of unpaid working experience at the age of 20 that employers so carnally desire. Know your mark so well that they consume your every waking hour, until you can walk into the interview and know that they see nothing but a reflection. They will be so intoxicated by the impression that you are just like them: a cog in an infinite machine, working for people who don’t know your name. And indeed, at the climax of your efforts, you’ll no longer have a name. Congratulations! You are now called “Junior Front Desk Assistant Intern at LA Fitness.” How do I tell my girlfriend of ten years I want to stop making love and want to start fucking in earnest? What an interesting question! So

you’re telling me you’ve been tenderly clasping hands and looking deep into each other’s eyes, your pulses beating in tandem as you experience a pure joining? Every moonlit night you’ve been seeing the stars in the whites of your girlfriend’s eyes, and she in turn can map your body in the darkness? Is that what you’re saying? You’ve been connected, body and soul, to what appears to be the love of your life for all of a decade, able to speak without words, understand without explanation –– and you want this connection to sever? Honey, I have to ask: you really think you’re alone in this? It’s obvious your girlfriend would want the same thing. Who wouldn’t? Just have a talk with her, and you’re set! Nothing will go wrong, I promise. My girlfriend said she wanted to use toys in bed, but she reacted negatively to Optimus Prime joining our sex life. What do I do now? You know what? You should leave her immediately. This is what you always wanted. You did not misunderstand your girlfriend –– you saw an opportunity to play out your deepest, darkest fantasy and pounced. I can see you in my mind, resplendent and bright with the truth of yourself. You will never be happy with someone who won’t accept Optimus Prime. You deserve someone who cherishes him as deeply as your soon-to-be ex doesn’t. You deserve somebody who would be happy to have a children’s toy as part of the deeply personal act of connection that is sex. That person may not exist, but it is better to be alone and yearning than be together and unsatisfied. Trust me.

rust me, I’ve been there. I was once like you: happy and free, eating warm, full meals with my forks and knives. You stupid, stupid students, I see you struggling with your math homework. I see you decide to take a little walk to procrastinate. Your bellies are full, your bodies are clean, you can open a phone with face ID. But you see a raccoon, rubbing its little paws together, begging for food, and you decide that instead of being satisfied with your glorious life, you “wish you were a raccoon.” I mean, I get the appeal. From the outside, we look really cute. But have you ever tried to type an op-ed without opposable thumbs? It’s misery! But trust me, I get it. I thought that being a student was hard too … until I became a raccoon. I didn’t study hard enough for my Chem class, like, at all. So when I failed, I

told myself: don’t worry about it, Rachel — it’s no big deal, you and your human-sized feet will just have to kick it into gear next quarter. Except I didn’t get a chance to try. Because my Chem professor turned me into a raccoon. Okay, so maybe I don’t have any proof it was him. But who else could it be? He did say there would be consequences for failing the class. And there was a pretty ominous sound that seemed kinda like a thunderclap, followed by a glittery poof after he said that. But I thought he was just being strict! I think I even laughed at it, after which he glared at me with his horrible neon yellow eyes. Come to think of it, he was kinda weird. I followed my friend (who’s not currently a raccoon, she got an A- in the class) to his office hours once, and he had all these orbs in there, and these creepy chemistry experiments bubbling in cauldrons over bunsen burners. And if that isn’t grounds for accusing him of turning me into a disgusting quadrupedal procyonidae, I don’t know what is! So, I guess what I’m saying is that maybe you should study. Before it’s too late. And if you see a raccoon trying to climb out of a trash can, maybe consider helping me out. It’s hard to open the flap when your arm is shorter than a number two pencil.

TOP TEN Reasons Why Clifford Got So Big 10. Insane selective breeding 9. Vitamin overdose 8. He was bitten by a radioactive Great Dane 7. Inflation in the US over the last decade 6. Pushing all the sliders to the right in character creation 5. Eating the souls of various dogs he has beaten in combat 4. What if he’s not big, and we’re all just really tiny? 3. Someone told him to be the bigger person 2. Invasive bone surgery 1. Forced perspective

Sportsball is the MQ’s national pastime

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., themq.org.

Page 4

theMQ.org

James Webb Space Telescope Finds Tragedy in Outer Space

February 2, 2022

Frat Houses Campaign to Have New COVID-19 Strains Named After Them

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH “We’re still getting noise complaints, but now it’s only because of all the coughing,” bragged Jason. BY MADELINE MOZAFARI Social/Publicity Settee

PHOTO BY CONNOR BETTERLY “I don’t care what happens to that planet,” admitted one middle-tier manager. “I just want to get stellar performance reviews.” BY FARHAD TARAPOREVALA

Ass. Design Editor

ollowing the successful launch of the James Webb Space Telescope, scientists at NASA found evidence of alien life while taking a series of photographs designed to help calibrate the telescope. This shocking revelation prompted NASA to take a series of more focused photographs, aimed at studying our first known neighbors in the Milky Way, sparking debate on how to best reach out to them. Experts in the field are divided on our next steps, with suggestions ranging from tin foil hats to sending our good thoughts via crop circles. NASA’s second round of images revealed unexpected truths about the aliens which angered many. Environmentalist Shreda Runberg explained, “It is disturbing what they are doing to their planet, so callously destroying their environment, especially the deforestation. It calls into

question whether or not the aliens deserve a planet.” Environmentalists are not the only people to feel this way; oil lobbyist Bern Dearth announced his intentions to launch an expedition to the planet, saying, “The aliens aren’t using their planet well enough; they have so much oil and natural gas that they’re not burning. I’m launching a rocket to their planet to teach them how to better use their resources.” Although their intentions differ, Runberg will join Dearth on his rocket to save resources. However, manned rockets are not the only things proposed to be launched, as new images have terrified the world. While taking a routine photograph of the planet, NASA scientist Sho Kandaw discovered a frightening anomaly, saying, “When I first saw the images, I could not believe my eyes. The aliens were building rockets, and the rockets were aimed at us! After confirming the results were not a mistake, I could

only curl up in a ball under my desk and try to keep my pants dry.” After these images were released to the public, panic and mass hysteria swept the Earth. Cathy Bates, a survivalist, developed a cult following, preaching ideals that quickly caught the attention of world leaders. Bates, in a speech to the United Nations, said, “The aliens building rockets can only mean one thing: they have declared war. I am calling on all countries of our planet to unite and wage war on these savages.” Following Bates’ fiery speech at the UN, countries across the world started converting their nuclear arsenals into the first interplanetary missiles. In the following week, any progress made on the Earth was matched by the aliens. Bates called for all resources to be committed to the project, saying, “Whoever launches their missiles first, us or that alien scum, will win this war. We must do anything

to ensure the survival of the superior species, humanity. If we unite, we will prevail.” The launch successfully took place September second, after costing the planet an estimated eight trillion dollars and many months of hard work. However, images from the James Webb Space Telescope once again brought bad news, as the aliens launched at the same time as the Earth. Predictions of doom and despair threw the Earth into chaos, with nation’s crumbling and cults rapidly overtaking religion. The disintegration of humanity was stopped on January 14, after an intern at NASA noticed that the James Webb Space Telescope had been aimed at the Earth for the entire crisis. The loss of life worldwide, as well as the destabilizing effects of the fiasco have all led to NASA being shut down, with calls for the US government to follow in its footsteps.

Groundbreaking Study Finds Average New Year’s Resolution Is Only Kept for 25 Minutes

s the nation sees more and more strains of COVID-19 splattered across the news pages, America’s beloved college experience staple, fraternity organizations, have been campaigning to have new strains of COVID-19 named after them. Taking to Instagram, Twitter, and even Reddit, more than 100 chapters of different organizations seek to claim the next viral illness. Many of the Greek organizations point to the similarities between them and the infectious viral strains, namely their Hellenic name schemes, national popularity, and ability to infect millions with neverbefore-seen, debilitating, and potentially deadly symptoms. A popular Tweet from @alphagammaomegbruh reads, “okay but how sick would it be if they named the next season of covid after a frat?? specifically alpha gamma omega lets goooooo.” One chapter of another fraternity organization, Delta Zeta Mu, has had several members claim to have discovered a new COVID variant. Jason, a member of the UC Santa Barbara chapter from which these claims originated, gave a statement to the masses via the r/UCSB subreddit. His post, entitled “delta zeta mu is sickkkkkk,” contained the following viral portion, which has been copied and pasted to various sites and accounts on the internet. “Yo. So we all know the party last friday at D-Mu was sick. Like the amount of empty kegs littering the beach afterwards was totally insane. I’d like

to give a bigshoutout to the babes that came, specifically Linda and Ruby, y’all were the life of the party your welcome at D-Mu anytime. Anyway, I have big news. Y’all who were there at the rager know. But for those of you who didn’t have the blessing of hanging out with us last friday, everyone who was at that party is craaazy sick now. In the cool way, obviously. But also in the icky way. My good bro Roger couldn’t get out of bed the next day. His eyes were suuuper sensitive, like he said the light was a godless offender and had to put on his sick shades to go use the restroom. And me, I woke up with an honest to god migraine. It went away after I popped an aspirin, but it got me thinking. You know when else I had a migraine like that? It was after I got my covid shot (of course your boy is vaxxed, can’t let anything get in the way of my party grind). So with all these Omicron and Delta and Gamma and Theta strains going around, I think D-Mu has found the newest. Because I mean everyone is sick. Like stay in bed and skip your 8am’s sick. “So for any of you out there currently suffering from headaches, achy muscles, intense thirst ;), being sooo tired, and or hella light sensitivity, congrats! You caught the Delta Zeta Mu COVIDDDDDD!!” While this post has made its way through the feeds of millions on social media, it is not yet clear whether the CDC will decide to declare new COVID variants originating from America’s fraternities, or to simply remind their members of the symptoms of a hangover.

TOP TEN

Items We Found in the Fridge after Returning from Winter Break

PHOTO BY JACK YANG

“New hour, new me,” said Debilis. BY PRANAV REDDY

Staff Writer

he National Academy of Sciences recently published a study showing that the average New Year’s resolution is broken within just 25 minutes of its creation. The study, which was conducted over five years and sampled from the population of a small Alaskan town, found that many of its most ambitious participants lowered their expectations within seconds of encountering an obstacle. Some of the subjects’ most common unmet goals were going to the gym, eating healthier, being nicer, and not texting their ex-partner. One anonymous participant said, “I really tried not to text her, but the vodka and the loneliness of going to sleep by myself really hit me.”

They reported messaging their ex-partner, “Hey, I know I’ve made some mistakes but I really miss you. Please call me when you get a chance.” Their ex-partner responded three weeks later with, “I’m sorry, who is this?” Another common failure was fitness resolutions. Many participants noted their desire to become better, stronger, healthier versions of themselves. Many also noted the appeal of binge drinking their way to liver failure. One local gym owner commented, “Yeah, I love the New Year. Always brings in hundreds of lazy slobs who fork over their hard-earned money for a yearly membership and never show up afterwards. I use their money to buy 50 grams of the finest black tar.” Kindness, it seems, didn’t fare too well either.

Resolutions like “do not tell my neighbor to shut up” or “avoid angrily commenting on seven year-old Twitter threads” appear to have died nearly instantly. Researchers observed one Twitter user open the app just three seconds after finalizing their resolution and promptly delving into an argument over whether or not Andrew Garfield’s Spiderman is canonically stronger than Tom Holland’s version of the character. Despite the poor performance of many participants, the researchers of this study were able to draw a number of conclusions. Firstly, people who set unrealistic resolutions are far more likely to fail faster. The researchers recommended that those seeking to get fit should “start by reducing the time spent on

their phones from ten down to nine hours per day.” Those wanting to be nicer should “consider pausing their decades-long harassment campaign against that neighbor who removed the muffler from every car he owns.” Even though most resolutions have failed, researchers recommend not giving up on the New Year’s tradition entirely. “Even though in many cases we see people fail within minutes, and feel a general sense of sadness and frustration with themselves, those 25 minutes feel pretty good, don’t they?” said the lead researcher. “And if you make it to 26 minutes, you did better than half of all people! Now you can smugly brag at the next Thanksgiving dinner about your progress. Good on you for improving yourself!”

10. Another, smaller fridge 9. Our dead wife 8. A cup of drug-free pee 7. Laika’s exploded remains 6. Our roommate who hid there all break to get the $650 credit 5. Chemicals known to cause cancer in the state of California 4. A seemingly empty jar labeled “fart” 3. Ancient Greek yogurt 2. A new lifeform 1. Walt Disney’s head

You’ll get this joke next issue

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February 2, 2022

Student Locked Out of Dorm in Solidarity with MLB Players

Page 5

EDITORIAL

Okay, Fine I Still Haven’t Seen Squid Game

BY WARNER SCHEDULE

PHOTO BY JULIA WONG “If you can’t let me in, can you at least buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack?” asked Lohmann. BY THEO ERICKSON

Ass. Content Editor

irst-year communications major June Lohmann has reportedly left her dorm key in her room for the third time this week. After she texted her roommate Melanie Juniper to let her in, Lohmann claimed the incident was “a show of solidarity with the baseball players who are currently locked out of the offseason.” In December of 2021, the MLB enacted a lockout after its collective bargaining agreement with the Player’s Association expired without a new agreement. The work stoppage has postponed the Rule 5 Draft and prevents any financial transactions until new regulations are agreed upon. “It’s so awful how they’re locking the play-

ers out of the stadiums. That’s where they live,” Lohmann said. “More like Cold Stove Season,” she added. On her roommate’s actions, Juniper said, “I hadn’t known June liked baseball. Or unions.” According to Juniper, outside of her recent interest in the MLBPA, Lohmann’s hobbies include yoga, songwriting, and “not caring about sports.” Juniper added, “It’s not like it’s a bad thing to read the news. But I wish she would just talk about it normally, instead of mumbling about CBAs and ERAs and BPAs when she wakes me up to let her in at 1 a.m.” Blake O’Reily of the St. Paul Robins commented, “I don’t know who this is, but I guess it’s cool she’s raising awareness. Have you ever tried to Google ‘baseball strike?’”

“I know my audience isn’t huge,” said Lohmann. “Mostly Melanie. But since I forget my keys three times out of ten, hopefully she’s so aware at this point she’ll mention the lockout to other people.” Juniper’s friends have noted an increase in how often she talks about the MLB lockout. However, they report many of her comments are focused on “how much of a pain it is to go up and down five flights of stairs just to hear June defensively repeat a poor recollection of something she read last week.” “I don’t know how halfheartedly committing to a dispute about baseball regulations is easier than apologizing to me,” Juniper said. “I feel like she could spend one-tenth of the effort on remembering to get her keys.”

Lohmann herself estimated that she spends thirty minutes a week on self-guided research, commenting, “So, I think I’m pretty dedicated to the cause.” While Juniper appears doubtful of the effects of Lohmann’s methods, statistics suggest students are following in Lohmann’s footsteps. Ten students locked themselves out of their dorms this week, a two-person increase from the previous week. Additionally, anecdotal evidence indicates increased awareness of the issue on campus. One student, when asked for comment on the lockout, responded, “I hadn’t heard about it until just now. I’d say awareness is definitely on the rise.”

UCSD Announces Virtual Classes To Be Held in the Metaverse

PHOTO BY JULIA WONG “Many of you have asked about a grading curve,” said one professor. “Well let me introduce you to a product that keeps YOUR curves in top condition.” all his online friends “totally about the security repercusreassured that “Meta will not BY JULIA WONG

Ass. Graphics Editor

ollowing the recent rebranding of Meta, formerly known as Facebook, UCSD officials have announced that the school will be taking advantage of Meta’s virtual reality platform over its remote learning period. The university states that all lectures will now be held in virtual reality, and all students are expected to be equipped with a virtual reality package, now available at the UCSD bookstore. In lieu of the pandemic, UCSD’s collaboration with Metaverse “Meta U: The Metaverse University Xperience” aims to enhance the college experience for students to maintain a sense of normalcy. Though this change has caused uproar among some staff and students, many students have expressed their excitement and willingness to take advantage of this new platform. “This is just like Sword Art Online! You know, the anime,” said John Fletcher, who insists on also making it known that

call [him] ‘Kirito.’” Fletcher continued, “Kirito, you know, the main character of the series.” Fletcher leads a group of students who plan to beat “UCSD Online,” and shared his plan to “utilize the current meta to climb the rank ladder with all [his] boys in the Metaversity.” A “That’s Kind of Meta” sign hangs proudly outside of Fletcher’s headquarters. As the interview continued, an in-system UCSD admin broadcast reminded students that “whoever fails classes in the Metaverse dies in real life,” with a corner section devoted to a holograph of Chancellor Khosla’s Metaverse avatar, cloaked in a “vegan leather” cape made from recycled Triton2Go boxes, exclaiming “Go TriPogs!” over and over. Fletcher commented that the cloak “constantly inflicts ten points of poison damage per tick upon opponents within a two mile radius. It’s one of the most OP items in the game –– I’m still waiting for the devs to nerf it.” As virtual environments integrate into student’s day to day life, some wonder

sions of this technology. “I started getting targeted ads for UCSD classes and professors on my Instagram feed,” exclaimed Kaightelynn Zola, “and I’m over here with my camera off in lecture thinking like, ‘What the hell?’ I’m minding my own business, ignoring my professor, and this rude message is messing with my focus! Nobody asked for that!” Zola continued to scroll through Instagram reels, displaying the new trend “Throw it Back with Your Fav Prof.” These complaints are not just limited to students. Numerous professors have protested that unregistered students have been showing up only to perform product placement in class discussion. “I called on someone at some point since no one wanted to speak anyways, and this guy stood up and wouldn’t stop mentioning this detox tea,” said Professor Charles Nhi. “I was teaching Physics 2A.” When asked about the company’s tracking system in an academic environment, Mark Zuckerberg

sell its user’s data without consent, which they gave us in the Terms and Conditions page 60, clause nine, footnote 42, and foot-footnote 0.” The CEO has directed any followup questions to their upcoming “Privacy ENsuring Information Service,” led by the CEO’s trusted business partner, Markus Zuckerberger. Even through the many criticisms surrounding UCSD’s Meta U: The Metaverse University Xperience, some see this implementation as a positive change. “This thing has really helped my mental health over quarantine,” said Catherine Kim, who recently spent five consecutive days in the virtual world. “The real life simulation helps me stay social, and I’ve never lived as lavishly as I have this past week!” Kim attempted to give a tour of her virtual dorm, but fainted and was taken away by the medics, who said Kim’s full-day screen time and Meta-supplied “virtual food” has led to moderate brain damage.

Netflix Subscriber

an you keep a secret? Swear it. Swear on your life. I don’t think I can hide it any longer. It’s been trapped inside of me, I’ve been pressured, silenced by people who just can’t understand. But I won’t stand for it any more. I’m ready to admit it. I still haven’t seen Squid Game. I’m sorry, okay? Do you think I don’t want to be a part of a cultural phenomenon? Do you think I’m above it all, high upon my pedestal of ignorance, looking down on you because I’m not swayed by the petty concerns of the populace? Okay, so it may be a bit of that. And sure, maybe I did rewatch the seventh season of The Sopranos instead of Squid Game when I had free time between grocery shopping and contemplating whether or not it’s morally wrong in this age to have children. But I realized my mistake, okay? I realized after I started getting confused during conversations with friends and family; when my carefully curated TikTok algorithm suddenly mentioned weird stuff like the downfall of late-stage capitalism, the total apathy of the uber-rich, and weird cookies. So, I decided to fix my ignorance the only way I know how: by

doing a deep dive into the depths of the internet. I watched the in-depth video essays examining each episode of the show, looking for whatever meaning there is to be found. I watched the video essays of those video essays. I watched the video saying that the show is critiquing capitalism. I watched a video saying it’s critiquing communism. I watched multiple videos saying that the show is stupid and has no message. I’ve seen it all. And I’m learning so much that I’m starting to wonder about the worth in watching Squid Game. I grow tired of the references, of the simple questions with complex answers. Of minds that are too feeble to grasp my position in the new age of culture. Squid Game is so much more than just a TV show, so why should I treat it as one? It’s made up of hours of video essays online, the hundreds of unfunny memes posted to social media, the knockoff games trying to recreate the experience online. Someone even gave me a Funko Pop of one of the characters, the one in the green tracksuit. What will be gained from watching the show? And you know what? Fuck this. I have a much deeper and fuller understanding of the show than someone who simply sat down and watched the show once. So now we come back to my shameful secret. Have I watched Squid Games? No, I have not. Let the people know I will not be cowed. I will not falter. Who watches TV shows anymore? We do not watch for pleasure, we watch to react. It’s all we’re good for. Our life is a Squid Game and we are the squid. There’s squid in the show, right? I could never figure that out.

TOP TEN

Activities to do at 3:12 a.m. 10. Throat shredded cheese 9. Queerbait 8. Wake up from your 15-hour nap 7. Imagine yourself winning an argument 6. Learn how to play drums 5. Ponder the holes in Lewis’s Theory of Concrete Possible Worlds 4. Stare at the ceiling until you start to see something 3. Ferment peach wine 2. Finally start that one assignment 1. E-beg an e-girl for e-sex

Standing with our future president: Graphics Editor Maria Dhilla

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Page 6

theMQ.org

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

February 2, 3022

A Glimpse into

Today, we time traveled to UC San Diego in the year 3022. After going for a slime in the goop car newspapers are no longer satirical (satire was outlawed in 2073), our newspapers are now touch a 3022 issue of The MQ! Must be because Muir kicked us out of our beloved office n

Things To Do When The Radiation Clears

Things To Sp Extra Bitc Your Grea Great Gra Birth

10. Watch Musk the Musical 9. Go to the tree museum 8. Invent the Dr Pepper of spices 7. Catfish aliens on Space Tinder 6. Travel at near light speed forever so we’re immortal compared to those on earth 5. Argue online about how BezosStyle Libertarianism has never actually been put in practice 4. Have a cheat day and take two dessert pills 3. Scuba dive to see the lost underwater city of Miami 2. Try to convince yourself that you’re not living in a simulation 1. Bowling

• • • •

Printed vide Goop car The outerne A moral “Jur that instantl dinosaur and it on the spo • Spacetime s

Ways We Get Around During The Goop Shortage • Lassoing an Amazon delivery drone • Walking like some type of caveman • Genetically modifying our body to withstand high pressure as we rocket toward whatever we need • Take the underground glubway • Asking our robotic husband to carry us • Make the destination move to us

SUS

depressio

once a generat chosen … family

February 2, 3022

Page 7

theMQ.org

o the MQ in the Year 3022

r and trying out the new “simulated death” machine, we stopped by the new MQ Office. During our visit, we discovered our h-screen, and the MQ office does not have a very secure safety system! It was almost too easy to steal this page right of Issue IV Volumeout XXVIII near the Muir Amazon lockers in … oh God … 2 years? Well, no use worrying yet! Enjoy this relic of the future!

pend Your coin on For at-Greatandchild’s hday

eos

et rassic Park” ly creates the d euthanizes ot shares

Best Presidents in The Past 100 Years 10. Xarlog the Devourer 9. Literal milk toast 8. One of those cells in a petri dish that we gave sentience to 7. A monkey that just pressed buttons 6. The last living descendant of Tony Hawk, Anthony Falcon 5. The capitalist machine that ripped Bernie Sanders’ face off and wore it as a threat 4. That one horse that was president for 20 minutes before getting assassinated 3. First name: Mister, Last name: President 2. X Æ A-Xii 1. A big wheelbarrow full of money

Goop Shortage Predicted To Last Through 3023 Humanity Reaches Precedented Times… Finally Same Glob Marriage Between Xorblians Now Legal Meet The Scientists Who Plan To Solve Climate Change By Extinguishing The Sun Ancient Crypt Of Currency Discovered In Northern Canada US Government Faces Backlash Over Newly Discovered Planets’ Lack Of Manifestable Destiny

SAN BAGEL CXXIV

Satire Headlines From The Future

do my words … meaning?

goop shortage but you can use substitutions Mr. Bagel CXXIV

tion … I alone was … I alone …

a lonely life

what happens now? attempt to enjoy

Politicians Enraged After President Glorbo Calls Third Galaxy Worlds “Shitspheres” TAP

READ

TO MORE

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Page 8

On-Campus Housing Regresses to Phase Zero

February 2, 2022

POINT

I Got You This Heart-Shaped Box for Valentine’s Day BY DAVE

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH “There’s a COVID detection system for outgoing water, but none for incoming water. Better safe than sorry!” said the Housing Director. BY CONNOR BETTERLY Ass. Copy Editor

esterday morning, HDH announced in an email to campus residents that coronavirus cases were still dangerously high, and the campus would be moving further backwards to Phase Zero. In the past, Phases One and Two communicated whether on-campus housing residents were required to wear masks in the common areas of their residences. Now, Phase Zero requires residents to wear masks at all times in their buildings, now encompassing eating, drinking, showering, and sleeping. Residents that are fully vaccinated are required to test daily, and residents that remain unvaccinated must test every four hours. The Phase Zero notice also strongly encourages the wearing of HAZMAT suits in any areas where residents have the potential to come

into contact with other people, claiming, “Technically, all materials have the potential to be hazardous. You should be wearing this thing 24/7.” These policy changes are unlikely to have a substantial effect, as students are expected to ignore the rules en-masse. “How will we enforce this? Oh – we won’t!” said the director of HDH in a press release. “We really just want to focus on making the lives of good, rule-following residents as miserable as possible. The part about encouraging the HAZMAT suits? That was actually a joke suggested by our lawyers! Something to do with liability, I think. But then the bookstore and Target both sold out! I honestly cannot believe the lengths that college students are willing to go to in order to stay safe – back in my day, we scarcely wore protection at all!”

First-year Edicta Revere is “the exemplification of a rule-following student,” and even she describes feeling demoralized at times, seeing other students blatantly disregarding the rules and trying hard to follow them herself. “I’ve been with them the whole time, wearing a surgical mask (to protect others) beneath an N95 mask (to protect myself ), testing all the time, and I even went out and bought a HAZMAT suit this week,” said Revere. “Meanwhile, my fellow students are getting away with uncountable transgressions. As Lincoln is commonly paraphrased, ‘The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly.’ And yet this is not happening! I’m unbelievably disheartened with these policies.” There is one visibly enforced provision to the Phase Zero restrictions. At all buildings with elevators, an RA is

now stationed at the ground floor to ensure that only one student rides at a time. “This is a disappointing change,” began one student from Seventh College. “I haven’t seen the stairs this packed since the last fire drill. And with everyone breathing heavily as the floor numbers climb, it might even be less safe.” The student fell silent after a few fellow residents cried, “Silence, heretic! Do not question the housing director!” Even in the face of all of these regulations, some residents continue to express cautious optimism for the future. Second-year Justus D. Leighed said, “While I’m a bit dismayed with this step backwards, I’m still holding out hope that by the spring, we can reach the mythical Phase Three – one in which I’m permitted to simply have my friend over for dinner from the room down the hall.”

Aides Refuse to Reveal Secret to Queen’s Long Life as 70th Year of Rule Approaches

Staff Writer

s Queen Elizabeth II approaches her 70th year of rule, the Commonwealth and subjects around the world are preparing for Her Majesty’s Platinum Jubilee, set to take place early this February. British citizen, Jonathan Livingston-Sea-Upon-the-Gull, said, “We lowly, dirty commoners must zealously congratulate Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith, Keeper of the Sacred Teas, Season 10 Challenger NA/EUW, and Multi-Universal Champion of Interdimensional Wimbledonian Space-tennis both with and without 4-D Time Travel, on her immense strength and beauty and power and loveliness and power.” Though this is undoubtedly a time for great cheer, many have found themselves asking exactly when Her

Majesty’s reign will end. Inquiries into her long life and blooming youthfulness have yielded nothing, and a human rights crisis was recently declared on the treatment of certain aides known to be close to Her Majesty. According to Police Commissioner Seager Summers-Copeland, the Queen’s closest aides were “subject to brutal horrors not seen since the Middle Ages.” Though nothing slipped from between the aides’ newly straightened teeth, palace insider sources claim that the “screams of virgin souls’’ could be heard throughout the palace on the eve of Her Majesty’s birthday, as well as “a witch-like cackling.” For legal reasons these reports have remained unconfirmed, but no followups have been made, due to the sheer amount of positive press surrounding the royal family’s plans during the celebration. Speculation about the potential events is at an all time high, and although nothing has been confirmed by the Crown, several leaks have re-

ey Annie. Happy Valentine’s Day. I’m not great at the whole romance thing, but I wanted to get you something for our big day. Sorry I couldn’t be around so much last week, Caleb was back in town, and you know I had to get the boys back together for the big game. I wanted to tell you, but you seemed a little grouchy so I backed off. Plus, you seem pretty busy with your doctor job... but I’m here now, babe. I promise I’ll do better. I’m gonna start working on this relationship. Take this. I know you like hearts, so I got you this box of chocolates shaped like one. It’s not the fanciest stuff in the world, but who doesn’t have a little sweet tooth, am I right? Anyways I had a few of them already to make sure they were good enough for you, of

course and I gotta say that these ones are the bomb. Oh, but not that one, I’m saving it for later. And look! The chocolates are shaped like hearts too! Isn’t that cute? Hehe. Anyways, if you want to, we could go to my place, watch some TV I got a new flatscreen, some Hallmark movies, and a frozen pizza with your name on it. How’s that for a romantic evening? So what do you say?

COUNTERPOINT You Fool! I Need a Real Human Heart! BY ANNABELLE

Crooked Chirurgeon

ou disgust me, David. What is this trifle you have brought back? I asked for a human heart, dunderhead, not this mortifying mockery. Why on earth do you imagine I sent you to the morgue? Merely for the sights? I would laugh this instant, were this not the fourth time I have sent you on such a task! I am simply at a loss. You have retrieved the body parts from my old university laboratory without fail. Why is it that a fresh heart is suddenly such a gargantuan task? When I read your personal ad in the paper, you claimed yourself that you had “stolen a few hearts” in “your time”. Mere boast does not a worthy assistant make! Unless you have a bloodied, pulsing heart in your hands, get out of my sight, urchin! Finally, I am not a mere doctor. I am an alchemist. A visionary, a diabolist, a master of life and death itself! Those

buffoons at the university be damned, scrabbling over petty titles when the macrocosm lies before us, its secrets laid bare if only they could look past their Hippocratic Oaths and see it! With a fresh human heart, the last piece to this fleshy puzzle, I can finally enact the Great Work, and my beloved will return to me. Oh, Leonora! Woe is me that I am surrounded by such ignoramuses as the one before me! He is utterly useless. Hm? … Or are you? A hale creature, whose fleshy heart beats still... Yes, David, you’ll do nicely.

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA

The Church of England will now accept small children as tithe. BY JAMES WOOLLEY

Hopeless Romantic

sulted in lofty expectations for the celebration. Reports indicate some of the leaked events include, but are not limited to: “Seek and Hide Ancient Treasure,” “Marmite Speed Eating,” “The Great British Beans on Toast Showdown,” “Pin the Border on the Africa,” and a life-sized game of Risk to be played on a global scale with loaded tanks. “I’m personally excited for Risk: Global,” admitted Lord Lipton Frumplebumpton-upon-Avon, Earl of Leighcesterbottom. “Conquering foreign nations and looting them of their resources upholds good, old-fashioned British values.” This excitement seems to be shared by the entire country, including the other Royals. “I heard that we’ll be having a Mini Derby, where instead of mini horses, they’ll be racing Mini brand cars, and the drivers get extra points based on how many lines they can quote from acclaimed British novel Remains of the Day,” commented Harry Stratford-Uponthe-Bow-Hamlet-Worchestershire-Mary-Shelley-Windsor, a young royal scion of a country

he insists exists. “I’m ever so glad we looted that Ishiguro from the Orient.” He further mentioned being excited for the upcoming bank holiday during the Jubilee. “Working at the Ministry of Peace is no easy job. Just this past week we had to interrogate a group of palace workers. The horrors we subjected those poor men to are almost unspeakable. Thank The Queen they were merely peasants. Men of higher standing would’ve undoubtedly gone mad from the squalor of the prisoners’ living conditions.” No further inquiries have been made surrounding this admission, as the British Press has only continued to report on the many sheets of fabric needed to make banners big enough to fit the Queen’s full titles. This banner issue has resulted in a global fabric shortage that is expected to last well into 2025, leading to talks on recolonizing India for their fabric industry.

Satire that requires big shoes to fill

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., themq.org.

theMQ.org

February 2, 2022

State of California Abolishes Legal Gender, Strictly Enforces Favorite Color Instead

Page 9

The MQ’s Secret History A Timeline of Events

10,000 B.C. MQ writer pens the first “your mom” joke

A.D. 30 MQ intern dies on the cross for our sins

PHOTO BY ROBIN BREWIN “I just got my government-assigned color,” said Moore-Sherwin. “They said it’s green, but I’m feeling blue.” BY ROBIN BREWIN Staff Writer

he state of California has made strides towards gender equality by abolishing legal gender markers entirely. Birth certificates, passports, and drivers licenses issued in the state of California will no longer have designation of either male or female. A new California law that has come into effect this month now requires a favorite color to be printed onto all official identification; Californians newly getting their license or ID will have the option to choose between several colors, while all others will get a randomized color upon receiving their new identification in the mail. The options available are limited to blue, green, red, pink, and periwinkle. “Since there isn’t much of a way to properly harass citizens based on gender anymore, this new law has been a godsend,” said a San Diego police officer, who

requested to remain anonymous. “Enforcing a favorite color doesn’t legally count as discrimination, so we can just write up fines and arrest whoever we want!” UCSD student and parttime sea snail farmer Bandrew Bitko stated that, “I was going 95 in a school zone and I got pulled over, but when I got out my license it’s like he forgot I was even speeding and handcuffed me for not wearing ‘the right shade of blue’. My favorite color is just blue! It’s any blue! I don’t even like blue that much, but they didn’t have an option for seafoam and I thought that was the best I’d get.” They paused, then continued, “I guess green is also just as close. It doesn’t make sense that you only get like five choices! I mean, they don’t even have yellow at all…not that anyone would pick it, but still.” San Diego resident Howie Gousitte said, “I was trying to cross the street and got

stopped by a police officer who told me I didn’t look like I should be wearing green, and when I asked what he meant, he just went and grabbed my ID! Once he saw that my color was supposed to be red, he threw me right in his car! I tried to tell him I was blind and showed him my cane, but then he charged me with threatening a police officer. Also obstruction of justice. And then also leading the witness?” The effects of this law have already spread to other aspects of daily life. There are no protections over people who prefer a certain color over another, so businesses and even healthcare clinics have reportedly been denying access to services based on legal favorite color. “This guy walked in for an appointment to get his teeth cleaned, but when I was going over his information it said his favorite color was periwinkle! Can you believe that? No good, heterosexual American male should

have periwinkle be his favorite color. Why not choose something straightforward and manly like blue? Or green?” demanded Dr. Perry Don-Tussie, shaking his head so forcefully he unraveled his vibrant pink bowtie. Many Californians are already frustrated with the addition of a legal favorite color, and while some are advocating for more color options, a majority stay firm in their belief that the new system needs to be abolished. To appease protesters, local government has announced that next year there will be a vote on the option to change one’s legal favorite color — this process will require a notice of the color change court hearing to be placed in a local paper, a one-time payment of $500 (per legal document), and 40 minimum hours of color correction therapy through a licensed color therapist.

December 16, 1903

December 12, 1929

MQ EIC accidentally levitates in front of Wright Brothers, inspiring them

The Great Schism (when The Guardian and The MQ split from each other)

September 11, 2001 The MQ tries deep-dish pizza at the local joint April 30 Our birthday, just didn’t want you to forget July 9, 2010

January 5, 2011, 12:31–12:32 a.m.

Despicable Me is released in all theaters

The only time we said a funny joke

February 1, 2022

February 2, 2022

The MQ discovers gaslighting

COVID-19 Positive Students to Isolate in Breakout Rooms

The MQ releases its first issue (We’ve never released an issue before. If you think so, you’re imagining things.)

April 16, 2073 Satire is outlawed and The MQ becomes an underground organization

40 PX (Post-Xarlog the Devourer) The paper is crafted and sent back in time, in an attempt to erase the birth of John Dinkin’s bastard daughter

Old Artifacts • • •

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One student had to be further isolated after sending others in their breakout room a virus. BY ELISE JONAS-DELSON Staff Writer

C San Diego students who test positive for COVID-19 are now required to isolate in breakout rooms, per updated guidance from Return to Concern, a newly-developed companion to the university’s popular Return to Learn program. The decision to shift to the virtual modality follows a surge in campus cases, leaving the university scrambling for solutions amidst a shortage of available rooms in local hotels and an unsuccessful bidding process with the L’Auberge Del Mar. Noting campus officials’ state of desperation, the CEO of Infectious Diseases at Zoom Video Communications, Inc. had called to offer the school

a stipend in exchange for utilizing the platform for quarantine purposes. Gary Lutz, director of UCSD’s pandemic response team, expressed satisfaction with the new policy, describing it as the “perfect fit” within the broader Return to Learn program. “It’s like we never left!” Lutz said. “When we say that we’re facing breakouts, we’re not just referring to viral spread. Besides, breakout rooms are top-of-the-line in ensuring students don’t actually socialize with their peers. I’m certain that when professors open them up, the only activities that ensue are eating, sleeping, or cryptically mumbling into the void.” The administration’s excitement regarding Return to Concern is less infectious among students, however.

“When I found out I had COVID, I thought I’d at least get to upgrade to the Residence Inn La Jolla for a week,” a Camp Snoopy resident complained. “But all I got was the longest Zoom meeting of my life. I even had to restart my quarantine six times due to intermittent ResNet outages.” The student also expressed frustration with the system’s reshuffling of randomly-selected four-person breakout groups, citing its lack of privacy, which resulted in sleep interruptions by way of incessant boss music and an unfortunate encounter with their ex-partner. Isolating students are encouraged to use the reaction feature to keep advice nurses up to date on their symptoms and overall well-being. Requests for over-the-counter

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PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA medicines, expired Foodworx meals, or King Tritonthemed coloring books may be placed in the chat. “My Zoom and COVID fatigue are virtually indistinguishable at this point,” another student added, piping up from the bottom left corner of the screen. “It’s like a nightmare I can never log off from.” When confronted with allegations of “failing to protect community spread” and “short circuiting a critical public health issue,” Lutz doubled down on the intentions of the Return to Concern policy. “We see you, we hear you, and we are committed to the health and safety of our campus community,” Lutz wrote in a statement embossed with the Zoom watermark, “Now mute yourselves before we start charging rent.”

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Our Old Names • • •

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The San Diego Chocolate Starfish The Garlic The Dating Advice Column (before we realized none of our editors were loved) The Triton Tickler

A Signed Confession by Jeffery Epstein A Flash Drive Containing Half of a Bitcoin 10,000 Surplus “That Was Easy” Buttons (we thought they were gonna sell) A Signed Copy of the Bible A Soundcloud Mixtape That One Group of Editors Swore Was Ironic Theseus’s Ship

Famous Alumni •

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Your Favorite Guy Who Works Behind the Meat Counter at Vons Kickflip “Sickflip” Jones Someone Who Briefly Held a Low-Level Position at the Onion, We Think Judas Iscariot One of Those Fanfic Writers Who Ends Up Getting Published

theMQ.org

Page 10

Literature Major Unable to Let Go of the Myth of Sisyphus

February 2, 2022

EDITORIAL

I Only Make the Class Discords Because Everyone Else Has a God Complex and That’s Why You Should Thank Me

BY J. H. SAVYUER

Shepard of the Flock

H “Maybe I need to be bolder,” said Mu. “I’m really trying to push this idea forward.” BY ANIELA DRUMONDE

Editor-in-Chief ourth-year Literature major Cameron Mu has, in her own words, “been faced with a Herculean task.” Glancing down at a Moleskine notebook, Mu proclaimed, “It’s my own little personal Kryptonite. Or as the Greeks liked to say, my hamartia, which –– to people who don’t speak Greek or haven’t studied it the way I have –– means a fatal flaw, indicative of the tragedy that I will bring about towards my own self, culminating in agonizing, mournful ruin. Or –– wait. Can I try that again? I think there’s a way to also include the word catharsis, which is a really intriguing, totally Greek word rooted in the theater…” When asked to summarize, Mu spoke for another five minutes, before saying, “Well, I guess the most salient part of my troubles is that I can’t stop mentioning the myth of Sisyphus. It just somehow pops up

naturally in every conversation that I’ve been a part of! I really do follow the verisimilitude of regular conversation, though. My word choices may seem erudite, but I wouldn’t say I’m profligate. Everyone can get what I mean, even if they can’t understand what I say.” Mu has reported feeling “stuck” in classes, always at the precipice of analogy, but never quite making it. “It just really feels like every subject is a slippery slope to mentioning Sisyphus, and then it’s all downhill from there,” she said, “I can never get the reference just right. I’ll probably give up soon. Soonish. I’m almost there, though, just a couple more tries and I really will stop. A few more months of intense study, then I’ll quit. But I’ll get it right one of these days, so I’ll actually try to be a bit more optimistic! I’ll die on this hill before I let it beat me! But, to be honest, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s totally uh … copacetic.”

Mu’s friend, Helen Troy, admitted, “I’m getting concerned. As a fellow English major, I understand the constant struggle to make it seem that what you’re learning has real life applications, and I do believe in the all-encompassing power that stories hold — branching out from one place to another, existing as a cornerstone of understanding in multiple cultures, affecting multiple time periods; the inexorable connection literal centuries apart that makes you believe in the beauty and steadfastness of a culture shared by all of humanity, but I can admit when I’m being pretentious. I’m being pretentious.” She paused, then added, “Actually, can I try that sentence again?” Troy continued, “I attempted to encourage her to diversify, right? Like, if she wanted to lament at the hubris of the world, she could turn to Arachne. If she wanted to complain about being tortured with something just beyond her

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH reach, Tantalus is right there. And if she wanted to focus on being trapped in an unrelenting, ever-painful cycle of suffering, forced to continue on due to a combination of outside pressure, self-flagellation, and a misguided urge to prove herself against the backdrop of a simultaneously apathetic and actively hostile universe, she could simply look into a mirror. The possibilities are endless.” But Mu seems to be incapable of quitting. “I don’t know why I’m pushing this idea so hard, but now that I know there’s a possibility, I can’t stop. It’s like I’m always just about to reach the apex of my argument, and I think ‘Oh, I know how to take this to the next level,’ and then I mention Sisyphus, and the whole argument collapses under me. Once I get the ball rolling, I have to finish it, you know? But I guess sometimes, when it comes to making Sisyphus references, I fly too close to the sun.”

Wolftown Debuts New Locally Sourced Raccoon Bowl

ave you ever been in a lecture and you see that Discord link plunged into chat in the first three seconds of class? You flock to it, like a lost lamb yearning for comfort and warmth. You get there, you click the link, and lo and behold, one of the other lambs has made himself king, wielding the power of the gods, forcing you to grovel and beg for more, always fearing the short leash of his temper. The computer geek with his first grip on real power, power that had been always out of his clutches and heralded by those who basked in normalcy. Do I need to go on? No longer should you shower a false god with praise for adding color-coded, selfapplicable roles for college or major. No more should you fear being chastised for posting a funny picture about the topic of today’s presentation in a non-meme channel. Why? Because I am in your class, and I made the server an entire hour before in preparation. I added the bots ahead of time, and made sure to mercifully select the options that don’t unnecessarily spam the masses. I created a general channel and a homework help channel, crafted to actually give you resources. I’ll be there for you. I’ll be your saving grace, your guiding light, in a quarter of darkness and uncertainty. I selflessly give and give to you. I want you to succeed. I care for my flock of helpless children who know

not of the dangers of the Discord apparatus. And I do this all and ask nothing in return. Unlike the cruel overlords in other servers, I will never brandish a cudgel. I only spread love and support. Maybe there are one or two small things, just to keep everything civil. I’ll ask for appropriate discourse in the correct channels, I’ll gently beg for a quick "Thank you" here and there to remind myself that I am appreciated for the gifts I bestow from my humble self, and please, if you are DM’d by me, respond. Just respond! I’m not being creepy. Just because I only message the girls that have their cameras on does not mean I want to date ALL of them. We need kindness and compassion during this pandemic. Imagine if you had made the perfect place for the girl you idolized to study. Imagine you simply DM’d her to ask how she felt, and if there was anything you could do for her, and you would always be there, and that she looked great today in lecture and that she didn’t even have to wear all that makeup because she has a naturally beautiful face, I can tell, and then she just replied with "Thanks" or never even responded at all? Wouldn’t you get mad? Wouldn’t you want to punish an ungrateful child? You saved her from the creeps of the internet, you placed her in a safe little cage, you protected her, and what does she do? She scorns you. Doesn’t she realize you have all the power? You could ban her from the public Discord too. And who would know? It’s all anonymous. There are times that every shepherd learns why he is not the same as a lamb –– a lamb cannot defend itself from the wolves that prey outside the fence. The shepherd stands to guard his holy flock. Is the shepherd chastised by the town when he asks the lambs for some payment for his protection and watch? Sometimes it takes a god to rip apart a cruel heaven.

TOP TEN

Songs from Musk the Musical

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA

"After eating this, the trash doesn't look so bad," claimed Nomick. BY GEORGE NASSAR

Staff Writer

hrongs of hungry undergraduates were greeted by a new sight on Wednesday at Sixth Dining Hall as they discovered the latest addition to the menu from campus sensation Wolftown: the Raccabowl. According to a promotional poster from HDH, the Raccabowl “represents a new step in HDH’s journey to provide students with healthy, high-quality, locally sourced cuisine. After all, what’s more local than our own backyard?” After the announcement of the new menu item, the Raccabowl seemingly gained instant notability around campus. “It was the new thing. Everyone was so excited to try it. We woke up at 4:00 a.m. just to get in line,” said one student. And try it they did. By noon that day, Mosaic was abuzz with students eager to sample the new bowl as wait times

on the Mobile Order app jumped to nearly six hours. Tom Wolf, HDH’s spokesperson for Wolftown, describes the Raccabowl in a promotional video. “At first glance, the Raccabowl looks like any other Wolftown creation, but look closer, and it’s easy to see why it was such a sensation. The bowl is packed with herbs and spices directly sourced from community gardens around UCSD and comes with a generous helping of flavorful ingredients highlighted by a raccoon-themed decorative container.” “We were very pleased with the initial success of the Raccabowl,” Wolf later said. “Our outreach programs were able to make contact with gardeners all around campus to source fresh herbs, fruits, veggies, and other ingredients for this bowl. And, of course, who could forget the limited edition packaging? Our design teams really guac’ed

that one out of the park.” As the lunch rush slowly gave way to the dinner rush, so many Raccabowls had been ordered that the servers hosting the Mobile Order app reportedly caught fire. As a result, multiple Wolftown employees have since described how they were forced by HDH to begin accepting orders via carrier pigeon. “I have no idea how they got so many birds,” one employee describes. “I wouldn’t be surprised if they were all just drones.” The student body’s excitement soon turned to outrage, though, as one student made a harrowing discovery. “I was just enjoying my bowl,” recounts Leah Bility. “When the next thing I knew, I was chewing on some poor trash panda’s little tail!” As word began to spread about Bility’s discovery, one Biology student conducted an experiment to see if the rumors were true. “I grabbed a sample and headed to

my research lab,” recounts Gene Nomick, a fourth year. “When the sequence came back, I was kinda stunned. It was a raccoon. Plain and simple.” An online post by Nomick detailing his findings received nearly 20,000 “OMG” reactions. By Friday afternoon, wait times had gone back to normal, and the Raccabowl remained an object of notoriety among students. “I was just really disgusted. Like, that was super uncool,” said one third year. Tom Wolf declined a request to comment on the controversy surrounding the bowl, but a statement from HDH confirmed that “The Raccabowl will be removed from the menu by the time we return to in-person learning.” Additionally, HDH will be offering six Dining Dollars and a raccoon-themed “we’re sorry” greeting card to anyone disappointed by their Raccabowl.

10. It’s A-Me! Wario! 9. Hyperloop to Hell 8. SpaceX Oddity 7. Do You Wanna Build A Tesla? 6. Careful Whisper (I’m Trying to Start a Union) 5. I Am Not Throwing Away My Stock 4. Back in Frack 3. So Long, Bolivia! 2. Darude Satellite Storm 1. You’re Gonna Pay, Pal

Writing satire with surgical precision

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., themq.org.

February 2, 2022

theMQ.org

Psych Student Develops Cure for Déjà Vu

Page 11

Thespians Claim COVID Immunity As They Are “Really Good At Pretending They Don’t Have It”

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH “The only jab I’ll get is behind the curtain,” said the actor playing Polonius. BY KARINA YU

PHOTO BY ROBIN BREWIN Rats treated with Don’tjà Vu were eight times more likely to double-check that the stove was off before leaving the cage. BY EVERETT RIRIE

Ass. Content Editor

ast month, Don’tjà Vu — a déjà vu combatting drug developed by UCSD Pharmaceutical Psychology grad student, Anastasia Shals — entered its human testing phase. With Déjà vu affecting nearly 100% of the population, Shals’s recent progress could potentially treat billions. Despite the newfound hope for a cure to this serious condition, her announcement of the new phase of testing was met with mixed responses on Twitter. Many users were excited for the prospects of the drug, while others expressed confusion, such as @LaylaDomino, who tweeted: “Wait, when is this thing supposed to come out for real? I could’ve sworn it was in human trials already.” Shals claims that “Don’tjà Vu has not previously moved on to human testing to [her] recollection."

In the announcement, Shals described the theory behind the new drug. “Don’tjà Vu addresses the the déjà vu phenomenon by selectively inhibiting the creation of memories to prevent the mind from attempting to associate new sensations with memories because there will be no memories to associate with memories because there will be no memories. The active chemical rememberol blocks neurotransmitters in the hippocampus to to slow the creation of new memories. Our research indicates that instances of déjà vu could reduce by as much as 100% when users are no longer forming memories because there will be no memories.” Shals continued, describing the rigorous testing methodology for the drug up to this stage. “We dosed lab rats with rememberol and placed a cube of cheese in front of

them with a rat-sized sign written in Rat saying they can take the cheese if they have not experienced déjà vu or any negative side effects since the dose. 100% of the rats ate the cheese, so we’re confident Don’tjà Vu is safe. In fact, I’m so optimistic that I’m so optimistic that Don’tjà Vu will be effective, that I’m so optimistic that I’m taking it right now and I feel great! No déjà vu, or any negative side effects since the dose.” Some of Shals’s colleagues remain skeptical about the safety of the drug, however. Dr. Bev Bluesky, a UCB professor of psychology, says “Rememberol could have very major side effects. The inhibition of memory formation, for one, seems like it should be cause enough for Anastasia to tear up her research and burn it before taking the last remaining dose of rememberol to forget she ever had the idea.” Dr. Ozymandias E. Osborne, a re-

searcher for the Behavior and Rationality Analysis Institute of Neuroscience (B.R.A.I.N.), criticized Shals, saying “I mean honestly, just listen to her. After participating in the trials, she’s talking to rats and can’t even remember the last few words she spoke.” However, Shals has responded to her colleagues’ concerns, saying “We dosed lab rats with rememberol and placed a cube of cheese in front of them with a rat-sized sign written in Rat saying they can take the cheese if they have not experienced déjà vu or any negative side effects since the dose. 100% of the rats ate the cheese, so we’re confident Don’tjà Vu is safe. In fact, I’m so optimistic that I’m so optimistic that Don’tjà Vu will be effective, that I’m so optimistic that I’m taking it right now and I feel great! No déjà vu, or any negative side effects since the dose.”

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE MQ ESCAPED LAB MOUSE TAKES UP RESIDENCE IN SEVENTH COLLEGE ELEVATOR

THE WAR ON LAWN DECOR INTENSIFIES, TRAGEDIES IN GNOME MAN’S LAND

Last Friday, first-year Seventh College student Christopher Crumbs reported seeing a mouse on one of the tower elevators. “He was like, tiny, and white, and he was just chilling in the corner. He seemed comfy and not full of rabies, so I just tossed him an M&M from my trail mix and he seemed pretty happy with it. I decided to name him Bertrand,” said Crumbs. An interview with the mouse revealed that he has been sustaining himself on food left in the tower elevator, such as cookies, stale chips, and the last few drops of abandoned Bang Energy cans. After escaping from the lab in which he was used to test chemicals, he has found the Seventh elevators to be “a pretty sweet deal.” Bertrand claimed that he is generally treated well by the custodial staff since he helps to clean the elevators. He also wanted to include a message to the Seventh College students thanking them for “being such slobs” and leaving behind the scraps of their snacks.

Mr. and Mrs. Jennings’ front yard is a scene of devastation after the most recent battle in the war on lawn decor. The ensuing skirmish resulted in casualties on both sides of the war. Major Eureka Bonaparte, leader of the flamingo battalion, later said, “Morale has been shot. We don’t even have two legs to stand on.” Although most would not brave the treacherous stretch of grass between the trenches, General Emille “Bingo” Turnpike-Flashdrive entered Gnome Man’s Land to rescue lost pinwheels. Just as he picked up the last pinwheel, the enemy began pelting him with bird seed from their military grade bird feeder. General Bingo did not survive the enemy fire. At 3 a.m. a truce was called so General Bingo’s troops could mourn. Major Bonaparte ceded a key piece of land, the corner next to the vegetable patch, so General Bingo could be buried next to his favorite gardenia bush. The following morning, when Mr. Jennings walked past the aftermath of the night’s battle on his way to get the newspaper, he loudly proclaimed that he would “tear this godforsaken lawn apart” and replace it with a minimalistic rock garden.

UNRECORDED UCSD LECTURE NOW CONSIDERED LOST MEDIA

UCSD STUDENT DISCOVERS THE LAST NUMBER

This past Friday, a small group of students claimed to see a lecture that has no digital recording or published slide deck. One anonymous student posted to r/LostMedia, writing: “You know how 8 a.m.’s go: I rolled out of bed at 8:12 and got the Zoom call open, and instead of connecting to laptop audio, I went back to sleep. I vaguely remember seeing some equations about heat energy? Please help, I think the lecture had information about the midterm.” Attempts to narrow down the subject of the lecture proved unsuccessful, as another student only remembered it was about “entropy, or something else starting with ‘E’.” Additionally, none of the 12 students who claimed to be in lecture took any notes. A breakthrough arrived when one student, procrastinating on their essay, went through UCSD's catalog to find each science-related Friday 8 a.m. class, and emailed every professor. Unfortunately, only one responded, claiming that he was no longer taking any questions about the waitlist, and it's out of his hands regardless. Students are hopeful that the lost lecture will soon be found: "At this point, I just want to know what we learned so that I can get a tutor for the things the professor never explains."

On January 20th, a moderator of the “Class of 2024” Discord server created a new channel titled “Counting,” which was meant to “discover what the last number is.” The channel took off slowly at first, but rapidly achieved the previously thought impossible: the discovery of the last number. Some students were confused about the purpose of the channel, asking, “What, so we just… count? Starting from one?!” The confusion quickly subsided, however, as “Counting” had already reached 269 by that evening. On January 29th at 6:55 p.m., Evan S. Unce, sent the final message in the channel: a number far too long to repeat here. “The Discord remained in stunned silence for a few minutes,” said Unce, “No one could believe what just happened. I just sent the number and like that there weren’t any numbers left. And I should know - I study number theory.” The next evening, Unce hosted a party to celebrate his achievement. “A number of guests were there. Mostly from the Discord, but all my Math professors showed up too,” Unce said, before adding, “It was the best night of my life. I even got nine numbers. Almost enough to make a phone call.”

Staff Writer

ast December, the Actors Association of America (AAA) released a public statement declaring that actors have a “well-endowed immunity” to the SARSCov-2 virus, citing a study conducted by the organization itself. Members of AAA attribute this new discovery to their self-described “exceptional acting prowess.” Director Gregor Wilkie upheld claims made in the statement through a Zoom call. “I never got Covid. None of my friends got Covid. That means it’s fake, something made up by Big Pharma to inject us with something to suppress our beautiful voices. It’s all smoke and mirrors.” When asked about the nature of the study, he stated, “We’ve got some wonderful scientists behind the scenes in the AAA, and it’s undeniable that thespians just can’t get Covid. It’s because we’re really good at pretending we don’t have it. You don’t take four years of acting classes just to be incapable of acting healthy!” Wilkie explained his own Covid scare from early December. “I had a fever and struggled to breathe, but I just acted like I wasn’t sick. Look at me now! Fine and dandy. No need for masks or a vaccine.” Many have called into question the legitimacy of the statements and the study as a whole, but the AAA has kept the study closely guarded. “It’s private. I don’t see why you can’t just trust us. We wouldn’t lie. Thespians never lie. NEVER,” Wilkie stated loudly. “I’m honestly offended. Nobody knows more about the coronavirus than I do — nobody in the history of America has known more about the coronavirus than I do.” When asked if Wilkie could show their data to the public, Wilkie stated that he had to leave, promptly exiting stage right of his living room.

Several actors have gone to social media to defend the AAA amidst backlash from online forums and social media. Betsy Payne, a prominent actress and member of the AAA, took to her Instagram story to say, “I played an immunocompromised character in the Off-Broadway revival of Rent! I can confirm that I never got sick. I’m just immune. If I had Covid, I would simply pretend I didn’t and it would go away.” Professional extra for daytime television shows Daren Humbert Romilly tweeted: “people who dont believe the aaa are just jealous. hey dad, who ‘shouldve gone into dentistry instead’ now? #roasted.” Dr. Anthony Fauci released a statement to news outlets, saying, “Are thespians immune to Covid-19? Short answer? No. Long answer? No. I am not quite sure why the AAA believes they are, but since the publishing of the statement, the number of actors in the ICU have skyrocketed. You can’t count on one hand the amount of times I’ve had to deal with a bedridden DiCaprio telling me he got snubbed by the Oscars. It is vital that in the time of Omicron we continue to wear masks and receive the vaccine if eligible. I recommend that the public be wary of the information they consume. The AAA has refused to show data, and until they do, regard their statements as false.” Wilkie responded on Twitter with the tweet “Villain, I have done thy mother. #TheShowMustGoOn,” and attached a "crude" selfie with his middle finger. Twitter users quickly turned Wilkie’s statement into a viral copypasta, mocking Wilkie’s initial tweet and sending a selfie of a similar nature. Fauci has not released further statements on the issue, and Wilkie has yet to return to the Zoom call, which, at the time of publication, is still ongoing.

Find us on your front lawn

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., themq.org.

Page 12

theMQ.org

the mq goes on a quest

February 2, 2022

After being cooped up inside on our computers for way too long, we decided to embark on a journey just to feel some sort of exhilaration. Taking orders from no one, we literally started walking in one direction, gained an entourage and were too afraid to say anything. But we soon learned about the existence of something life-changing, something to give all of humanity hope: a single, solitary piece of good news. The search was on. We challenged foes and overcame numerous hardships to find our treasure, fulfilling the cryptic prophecy that we were told.

Friends

A DUO 2FA page

Willem DaFriend (only tells the truth)

items

Willem DaFoe (only tells lies)

Foes

The random axe of kindness

Scheduling conflicts

The disinfectant that kills 100% of germs

A knight too eager to prove that he can kill a man A man who claims to be a lost prince who can promise you a fortune if you can only give him enough gold to make it back to his castle

Toothpaste, recommended by 10/10 dentists An elderly wizard with a massive hat. Just massive

A slight incline

A small river that can easily be walked across but we only have one pair of socks and it would really be a shame to get them wet

former d a e d Your y member’s r part d younge unloveer, Faramir broth

A really long cutscene we don’t want to activate

The only funny woman A single, solitary piece of good news

The Snail Zone Talking sword that constantly says "slice to meetcha"

What the Prophecy foretold

“you’re the chosen one” “You will be slain by neither man nor woman” “your son will kill you”

what actually happened

chosen for comic relief mauled by wolves you get skin cancer