THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
December 1, 2021
“I love bald men. Just because you’ve lost your fuzz don’t mean you ain’t a peach” - Lauren Sánchez, Girlfriend of Jeff Bezos
Volume XXVIII Issue III
Your perfect last-minute gift wrap
Students Desperate for Chance at Black Friday Tuition Discount
IN THIS ISSUE 1,000 DEAD IN THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS
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UCSD GETS RAILED BY BLUE LINE EXTENSION
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THE MQ GOES TO “THE RACES”
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UCSD CREATES NEW “ALL HOLIDAY WEEK”
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CHEM MAJORS FEAST ON THANKSGIVING CHEMICALS
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NEWS IN BRIEF PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH
“You’re gonna get a deal on this knuckle sandwich,” yelled Sweeney. BY MADELINE MOZAFARI
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Staff Writer
s the holiday season approaches, Black Friday savings are at the forefront of many UCSD students’ minds. In front of Geisel Library, nearly 50 students could be seen camped along the library’s entryway; unmoving, covered in blankets, and muttering to themselves, “discounts, discounts, less tuition … ” One student, Jenny Fortescue, stated: “I’ve been out here for days. I’ve attended my remote classes, befriended the raccoons, and lost three toes. I only have my love for discounts to keep me warm.” While UCSD admin has stated that there will be a contest inside the library for a tuition discount on Black Friday, they
have not confirmed exactly what this contest entails. “I heard it was a mega game of hide-and-seek where if you find Khosla and bop him on the head, you get $1000 off, and if you bop any college’s provost on the head, it’s $500!” exclaimed a small voice from under a mound of blankets. Another student amongst the campers, Robert Sweeney, claimed, “I heard a rumor that whoever catches the raccoon that’s been living in the library’s pipes and brings it back unharmed will get free tuition for a quarter! But my friend here has an even better idea.” Sweeney gestured to a frozen student, who broke into shards as he tapped their shoulder. Some students have expressed concern for their classmates camped by the library doors. “Do … do they
need a GoFundMe? Can we make some GoFundMes? It is so cold … they must be so cold,” whispered a student on their way to study for a Week 10 midterm. Some have even called on UCSD admin to call off the contest as a result of the students’ misery. “It is barbaric,” said psychology professor Maria Lansing. “These poor children have been outside for so long just to join some contest they don’t even know the details of for a chance to pay a little less in tuition. Lord knows it won’t be much.” UCSD admin sent out a statement saying: “We had no idea the response this would bring about. We thought it would just be another Instagram post lost in the slurry of failed attempts
to get students to participate at this school. But hey, we’re incredibly happy to see students’ enthusiasm and commitment!” Geisel librarians have sweetened the pot by raffling out heated blankets to the small group of students waiting in line. Students who want to compete in the raffle must balance atop the tallest branch of the silent tree for an entire minute while being harassed by HDH workers who want the students out of it. As the weather grows colder, and more and more students brave the cold for a shot at a discounted tuition, the whole school is on the edge of their seats to see what the contest will bring — and the fate of the students hoping to win it.
Local ASMR Artist Livestreams From the 8th Floor of Geisel During Finals Week
MOM, I WOULD LIKE A PIECE OF BREAD I am famished. Starving. Excruciatingly hungry. I am but a six-year-old flower, wasting away. Indeed, my sweet little six-year-old stomach is emptier than it has ever been, despite the fact that I had a pizza with a surface area equal to that of my torso for dinner not but three hours ago. It is bread that I require. A slice of fluffy, chewy, plain, room-temperature bread, baked in a factory and lovingly packaged by underpaid workers. Oh, how I crave the glutenous release of a single slice of
bread, which is around 50% air! Au bon pain! Je ne suis pas français mais j’adore les baguettes. O mother, have you seen the time? It is 10 p.m., far past my bedtime. Dearest mother, I beg of you, please bring me a piece of white bread. I have been eating all day, but now at this moment, close to dawn, I need sustenance more than ever before. Like darkness, I devour. Like darkness, I am void. Like darkness, I lack bread. Be the light, o’ mother, I implore you; bring me a piece of bread. I must feast.
LOCAL GNOMES OPEN RESTAURANT World-renowned sommelier Emille TurnpikeFlashdrive, who is a gnome, opened a restaurant with his wife Gretna F l a s h d r i v e - Tu r n p i k e , who is also a gnome. The pair plan to bring miniature French cuisine to upstate New York, where they currently reside. The restaurant, opening early next year, has an open-concept layout that blends elements of being outside and inside. Turnpike-Flashdrive claims the natural setting helps customers feel at home, since they spend the majority of their workday out on front lawns.
In addition to blending natural elements, Le Petit Gnome will also be murder mystery themed. The couple described the decor as “heavily inspired by Sherlock Gnomes.” Flashdrive-Turnpike and Turnpike-Flashdrive have managed to secure celebrity appearances for opening night, including several members of the gnome city council and famous linguist Gnome Chomsky. Tu r n p i k e - F l a s h d r i v e shared a few items from the opening night menu. He listed, “We’re going to have gnocchi, gnoodles, gnectarine pie, gneopolitan ice cream … ”
EVERYONE WENT TO BED WITHOUT FLOSSING TODAY “Surprisingly, my MATH 20C grade is more unsettling than asMARTA’s performance,” said O’Reilley. BY CLAIRE MCNERNEY
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Staff Writer
he quietest floor of Geisel Library was disturbed last Tuesday by self-proclaimed “ASMR-tist,” Twitch streamer, and professional moaner, asMARTA.
Student witnesses report hearing her fingernails clacking, bubble wrap popping, and Cheeto chewing; all of which upset students attempting to study for their second round of midterms. “Sure, we glared at her, but what were we going to do?”
NEW SUMMER TOY! Vat of acid
complained one math major “Shush her? That would be stooping to her level.” asMARTA, who has “as many followers as there are fans of UCSD housing,” whispered her statement into her pink Blue Yeti microphone: “I … ” She then exhaled deeply
PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH
before smacking her lips, which prompted another student to offer her a stick of gum. Marta’s “sensual” chewing and popping was a huge hit on her stream. The chat
See ASMR, page 2
NASA LAUNCHES CAT-BASED LUNAR MODULE Always lands on its feet
After months of research, a Stanford lab concluded that literally everyone went to sleep without flossing beforehand today. While the study has yet to be replicated, lead researcher Dr. Polly Greenwood is confident that this knowledge has groundbreaking implications for society as we know it. “Say goodbye to your individual identity,” said Dr. Greenwood. “We’re all unflossed little lumps of clay now.” Anecdotal evidence suggests the study’s effects have been profound. “This woman in Costco came up to me today and said, ‘You didn’t floss be-
fore you went to bed today,’” reported Harriet Leonard, a local schoolteacher. “I started to walk faster, but then she said, ‘I didn’t either. And that’s okay.’ I broke down sobbing in the milk aisle.” Other scientists are less sure of the implications of Greenwood’s conclusion that this is in fact part of a deeper rooted issue culminating in seasonal depression. “It’s incredible. Greenwood robustly showed that everyone went to bed without flossing today, but I think that says more about our dental health than our mental health,” said Dr. Kathleen Yates.
See BRIEFS, page 11