The MQ Volume 28 Issue 7 by The MQ

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

June 1, 2022

“A positive attitude and a sense of humor go together like biscuits and gravy.” - Dolly Parton, Gay Icon

Volume XXVIII Issue VII

There are exactly 104 days of summer vacation!

Geisel Renovation to Include New Crying Booths in Response to Rising Mental Health Concerns

IN THIS ISSUE SUNNY G FOUND WEARING CAPES

SUSAN BAGEL’S MERINGUE RECIPE

THE MQ PLANS A $4.5 MILLION SUMMER WEDDING

6,7

UCSD UNVEILS LIMITED NUMBER OF SINGULARITY DORMS THINGS ARE STARTING TO CHANGE AND I DON’T LIKE IT

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NEWS IN BRIEF CHEMIST DISCOVERS FIRST BASE PHOTO BY JULIA WONG Pitt said, “This whole time, I thought CBT stood for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Now I know it stands for Crying Booth Treatment.” BY KARINA YU Staff Writer

hroughout May, which is National Mental Health Month, many students have anticipated a campus response addressing rising concerns for student wellbeing. After a long wait, the UCSD Planning, Design and Construction Department has announced plans to make further renovations to the famous Geisel Library in hopes of quelling student anger. Reinvigorated conversation about student mental health began after user u/book_of_revelleations’s recent post on the UCSD subreddit. The user stated, “Given that this institution is concerned with being at the forefront of innovation, it’s honestly disheartening to see the lackluster response to student mental health. It takes months to get genuine help in response to mental health crises, and even then, it is impossible to get consistent, quality treatment. The best things UCSD ever did for mental health were introducing

therapy fluffies and existing in a state where weed is legal. Can’t wait to see what the school does for Mental Health Month, but I won’t be setting my expectations all that high.” As hopes mounted, UCSD released a public statement. “Geisel is the gem of UCSD, and it’s important that it represents our beliefs as a community,” UCSD spokesperson George Germain stated in an inter view. “For a long time, the librar y has represented innovation and creativity, but now we want to acknowledge the mental health of our students. UCSD plans to add an extension to the eighth floor — Jacobs School of Engineering–style — dedicated to innovative, cutting-edge crying booths.” Each crying booth will feature a tissue box, a wooden stool, glass pane walls, and a sink with a mirror for you to play out your “nonspecific Oscar-nominated crying-infront-of-the-mirror-whilefixing-your-dramatic-makeup

scene,” according to Germain. “We considered giving the booths opaque, soundproof walls, but recent research has shown that nothing fuels students to study better than the sounds of their brethren crying a few feet away. With finals season approaching, we thought it would be better to make sure the sobs of your classmates that couldn’t hack it would provide ample fuel to study for that three hour MATH 20C final.” The renovations have garnered various responses from students across campus. Senior CS major Greg Grenville stated in an interview, “Man, we just wanted to smoke weed on campus without our downstairs neighbors calling campus security. And maybe for some teachers to stop being absolute dicks. I mean, how is my mental health supposed to remain intact when my prof tells me that maybe I’m just ‘not smart enough’ when I ask a question about the homework? But I guess crying booths work too.”

“I mean, every student cries at least once a quarter,” sophomore history major Hester Pitt stated. “And if they say they haven’t, they’re lying to you. If the school can promise that the tissue boxes are always stocked and that they’re not that scratchy grocery brand, then I’m game. It’s better to cry in Geisel than on a bench outside Peterson Hall. Public crying would feel a bit more, say, dignified, if it was on purpose, in a booth for all of the eighth floor to hear.” According to the UCSD spokesperson, renovations are expected to take place “ASAP” to ensure booths are available in time for finals week. “I’ve heard some worry about renovations shutting down the library for studying, so I wanted to clear the air: a little construction has never stopped UCSD from continuing to hold classes. We just want to remind students that to study in Geisel over the next few weeks, they will be required to wear a hard hat and construction vest.”

Study Finds New Sixth College Students Don’t Know How Good They Have It

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH One spectator commented, “Wow, this feels like the third installment in a trilogy. I wonder if I could go onto TheMQ.org and find the prequels.” BY ANDREW SITKO Managing Editor

new study has found that Sixth students who enrolled after 2020 have “no idea how good they have it compared to literally everyone else who ever attended Sixth College.”

This study was conducted by Andrew Sitko one random Wednesday afternoon. “We can’t actually remember when it happened,” said Sitko, “but we asked each other about our first years here, and all the memories of Foodworx and Camp Snoopy came flood-

ing back.” Sitko has recently delved into the now-corroded corridors of the long abandoned raccoon-themed Pirates of the Caribbean ride, reminiscing of the past. “New Sixers have no idea how good they have it,” said Sitko. “Have you ever been in that one

building that’s a skyscraper? You can see everything, and it’s all new! We had black mold in our bathrooms, and you couldn’t even walk around to the other side of the dorms ...

See SIXTH, page 2

LOCAL PARENTS WELCOME ANOTHER CHILD INTO THEIR FAMILY

STATISTICS SHOW ALASKANS HAVE BETTER LOVE LIVES

Happily announce the baby is a Scorpio

It doesn’t take a dummy to figure out why

A UCSD chemistry lab shocked the scientific community when Erick Menten, a third-year chemistry major, synthesized a compound with unusual physiological effects. Menten first believed the finding to be a fluke, because none of his classmates had ever heard of a compound with such unique traits. While other nonacidic molecules contain lone pairs, Menten’s base contains “nonlonely electrons.” While other substances can be readily deprotonated in water, Menten’s molecule is actually capable of deprotonating other compounds. He believes that this property

is what triggers the dopamine rush in the brain that the base is hypothesized to induce. Menten tested the first base by eating a small amount of the indicator phenolphthalein, then consuming some of his compound. He observed that above a pH of 9.0, the base dissociates, causing his cheeks to turn slightly pink and his heart rate to accelerate. The compound is difficult to purify due to Menten’s unorthodox research methods. “My mentor told me to use a separatory funnel to collect my solution,” he said, “but I can’t, because I refuse to use the stopcock. I don’t think cock should be stopped.”

FOR LOCAL FROG, “IT AIN’T EASY BEING GREEN” Listen. Listen! Lean in here. All the way down, buddy. You see where I live? This absolutely gorgeous miniature log cabin is my home. I live by a most lovely tree. It is between the concrete for feet and the concrete for large scary wheels. The issue is, sometimes the feet veer from the concrete, stepping by my tree and onto my house. Now, I don’t really mind rebuilding my house every once in a while. It keeps things fresh! But it’s tiring to do so nearly every day, and it doesn’t look nearly as nice when I have to use less-than-cheerful twigs to rebuild the walls. Now I have a friend, maybe more than a friend

— hopefully more than a friend — but maybe not, I’m unsure. I like to have my friend over. He is a toad, and I am a frog. Some think our union unnatural, but we’re a perfect match. We both like hopscotch! Anyway, I like having my friend over to my home. And I really would like for us to not turn into goo while enjoying tea and romancing each other, possibly not platonically. So this is my official plea. I beg of you, feet-havers. Reduce your footprint. Leave the future of my budding romance up to myself and my potential future toad husband. Stay away from my tree.

UCSD FOURTH-YEAR REFUSES TO ADMIT SHE HAS PEAKED “I’m embarrassed for myself,” admitted Hester Corduroy. “Even now, I feel like I’m half present — some part of me is looking on in complete disgust as I continue to tarnish my own memor y so close to the end. And God am I so close to the end.” Corduroy, knowing that she is about to graduate, has elected not to leave gracefully and allow others to look back on her with fond memories. She has instead, in her own words, chosen “to not gently go into that good night. Wait, shit, goddamn — it’s ‘to not go gently into that good

night.’ That’s how the poem goes. Fuck.” Corduroy continued, “At this ver y moment, I’m hear ing a voice in my head actively screaming out in complete anguish. I currently can’t hear in my left ear. I could’ve been respected. I could’ve cut my losses and reveled in the joy of finally being done with university. But no — I can’t let go. This is an objectively stale ending. My stor y ends with a whimper, not a bang. Wait —”

See BRIEFS, page 11

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theMQ.org

June 1, 2022

UCSD Cracks Down on Students Squatting in Unfinished Eighth College

“The swaying of the building in the night wind rocks right me to sleep,” Snak commented. BY MILLIE YOU Staff Writer

or many universities across America, the end of the school year signifies the end of a period of stress. For UCSD students, it appears to be only the beginning. After students barricaded themselves in the skeleton of a multi-story building in the unfinished Eighth College for a month, the university released an unofficial statement: “All squatters currently colonizing the glorious new Eighth College, commissioned by supreme Chancellor Khosla, will face legal repercussions. As of now, the university has been cleared to use deadly force.” In the beginning of April, UCSD began a comprehensive sweep of Eighth College to count its unregistered tenants, which have swelled in number as more and more students found themselves bereft of a school housing contract. In re-

sponse, students erected their own stronghold of SPIN scooters, textbooks, and Triton2Go boxes on the top floors of the building. The cause of this resistance, students say, is rooted in spite — for a great many reasons. “I’m number 485 on the waiting list for on-campus housing,” says Yelena, a secondyear who has already begun moving her things into Eighth. “You tell me what else I’m supposed to do.” Other students say it is a matter of personal pride. “I’m in Revelle,” said a student who asked to remain anonymous as they launched a carton of Samyang 2X Spicy Hot Chicken Ramen at a wall of Khosla enforcers. As the soup sprayed, screams echoed. The student did not seem fazed, exclaiming loudly, “Why am I getting forced into Seventh? It’s so far from all my classes!” Some took to Twitter to voice their concerns. “Dumbasses rlly think im gonna stop

when they had the audacity to build a whole ass college w/ taller buildings than revelle, the #firstandfinest???” another student tweeted. “Deadass gotta wake up to this eyesore towering over keeling apts every morning smh. The order of colleges is messed up now too.” Second-year Otis Motis said that beyond reasons of aesthetics or dignity, many students simply have no other housing options as campus infrastructure has lagged behind increasing enrollment numbers. “Getting kicked off campus in your third year is a hard pill to swallow, man,” Motis said, while sequestered behind a textbook barricade. “I’m also dirt poor, so squatting in Eighth is a lot easier than renting a doghouse in a gated community. I don’t want to be gawked at like a zoo animal, you know?” Despite students’ best efforts to communicate their demands, tensions have esca-

PHOTO BY JULIA WONG lated past breaking point. The Student Squatter Coalition has formally issued a statement criticizing the university’s strategy of launching papers graded with D’s and F’s over the students’ barricades, citing it as “barbaric psychological warfare.” In response, the university has condemned students’ “cruel and unusual” method of feeding local ravens and raccoons and training them to “maim and menace” UCSD campus police. And yet, amidst the chaos, the squatters were able to find moments of rest. “I’m not here for funsies, I’m here to get some damn sleep,” firstyear Nori Snak complained as sounds of warfare echoed down the concrete hallways. “Construction never stops, but at this point, it’s the only noise I can fall asleep to. It is basically free nightly ASMR sessions in HD surround sound. Awesome shit. I’m out like a rock every time.”

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

SIXTH

because they were excavating things on all sides.” Sitko motioned up to the sinkhole above the ride, and then down towards the rusted, blood-splattered mech suit covered in racoon droppings. “It wasn’t all bad though. I remember biking around campus, crashing at my friend’s place, late nights at OVT, my first girlfriends, going to the gym everyday, almost getting hired by Microsoft, almost falling into a ‘chad’ phase, and going on trips with all those people I’ll never meet again. Too bad COVID never let the rest of this trilogy play out. I mean, there’s not many people left here to remember anyway.” Sitko kicked a dislodged mechanical pirate raccoon head down the now-dry drop. “There’s no connection to this old place, y’know? They renamed it ‘The Village,’ but The Village was what is now Seventh, and Seventh was actually the old international housing. So they wouldn’t even understand that people lived here, shielding their ears about all the construction. I mean, where could I even have gone with it? Maybe, ‘Khosla Now Builds a Bigger Attraction in the Revelle Parking Lot?’ But who cares about that? It’s not in the way of anything. “The only way that this trilogy works is if new Sixers stop having it so good, which proves the point that Sixers have it better than we did. Yeah, maybe their first two years of education was over Zoom, or their high school graduation was over Zoom, but I never really cared about my graduation because I had a way better time in college. But then they didn’t get that either, but I lost my last two

years of college. Maybe the first two are more important, like, how are they going to make friends and break the barriers that I had to break? I was so young and confused, I didn’t even know what or who I was at that point.” Sitko whirled around the skeleton t ha t wa s i mpa l e d by a n asphalt stalactite hanging from the sinkhole above. “Is this even funny, or is it just a sad excuse about never finishing the series that I was so into creating before everything in the world drastically changed forever?” Sitko pulled out their phone and played a video of Sixth activists in their “I <3 Sixth” shirts, holding a banner protesting before being run over by semi-trucks. “I mean, this is funny right? Like, that’s a hilarious premise,” motioning to the phone now erupting in screams. Sitko picked up the steampunk megaphone that had dislodged from Grand Overseer Kholsa’s hand during his great escape after Jakubsin fell through the hole and was eaten alive by raccoons. Sitko spoke through it, creating a metallic and echoing chant through the musty, overgrown hallway. “Maybe it’s okay to admit that everyone was a little fucked up these last three years, and that it’s time to pass that torch.” The words echoed back and forth until they receded to nothingness. Sitko dropped the megaphone and walked into the dark corridor, blending into the void. “Would be funny if the new theme park ride is in ERC though? Because they’re totally the worst college with all those GE’s.”

The G-Nome

BY JULIA WONG

Editorial Board Editor-in-Chief.....................Aniela Drumonde Managing Editor.........................Andrew Sitko Content Editor....................Isabelle McKelvey Ass.Content Editor ....................Everett Ririe Ass.Content Editor...................Theo Erickson Design Editor.....................................Bri Arce Design Thumb...............Farhad Taraporevala Design Toe................................Taggert Smith Graphics Editor...........................Sharon Roth Graphics Editor............................Maria Dhilla Ass. Graphics Editor.....................Julia Wong Ass. Graphics Editor..............James Woolley

Social/Publicity Chair....................Jacob King Ass. Soc/Pub Chair............Madeline Mozafari Copy Overlord...........................Adian Valdez Copy Magistrate....................Kaz Nuckowski Copy Commander.................Connor Betterly Web Editor...................................AaronSonin Web Editor..................................Jeannie Kim Distro Captain..........Alex Reinsch-Goldstein Ass. Distro Captain..................Matthew Ware Installation Wizard..........................Jack Yang Self-Proclaimed Fun Aunt..........Natalia Nenn Muir Advisor.............................Mario Garibay

Staff Members Its morbin’ time.

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council. Well, we’ve made it. I remember my first MQ meeting — my joke about D&D made it on the Thanksgiving centerspread, and I felt so enormously proud I made a mark on something so widespread. I’ll admit it: at first I wanted to be in the MQ to pad my writing portfolio. What better way to continuously flex my writing muscles than to write articles every five weeks? But, of course, I was sucked in. And I’m so glad — I can say definitively that the MQ is the only reason why I stayed sane during quarantine. I just know years down the line, every Tuesday I’ll feel a warmth in my heart knowing that a group of like-minded freaks will be trying to make each other laugh. I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything. I can’t wait for future writers to ruin Susan Bagel, to phase out Emily Queue, to flagrantly break a Content law I had an almost-screaming match about with someone during Production at five in the morning. It’s time for my reign of terror to end. It’s been absolutely wonderful. Thank you, everyone. I love you. - Aniela Drumonde

Henry Ashcroft Mira Avaramuthan Ayushi Banerjee Robin Brewin Shantelle Brooks Yuri Bukhradze Emily Cronan Melina Cruz

Rani Das Gabrielle Hart Paige Johnson Elise Jonas-Delson Jina Lee Miranda May George Nassar

Claire McNerney Chiara Ng Lizzie Overton Bryce Pollack Sophie Pubb Mike Raucci-Crane Pranav Reddy Pilan Scruggs

Gage Tanzman Mackenzey Tolliver Nicole Tsuyuki Varsha Varkhedi Seiji Yang Millie You Karina Yu

Booster Club Farhadman and the crew looked at Morbius. He said, “I need to morb, but I can’t without the help of the MQ.” Tag, Madeline, Aaron, Theo, Jeannie, Jack, Aniela, Adian, Andrew, James, Julia, Jacob, Isabelle, Kaz, and Everett all threw their hands up in the “M” shape, which created a super laser beam which blasted Anti-Morbius into the stratosphere, letting Morbius commence Morb-tosis. And then he saved the day, and it was so epic and based.

June 1, 2022

theMQ.org

Sunny G Found Wearing CAPEs

Page 3

POINT You Can Enjoy Your Summer and Relax BY REBECCA RODNEY Chill Chick

“I’m beginning to suspect that Sunny G might be Sun God,” one student said. BY CONNOR BETTERLY Copy Commander

arlier this week on Sun God lawn, Sunny G was found wearing a patchwork cape, constructed of sewn-together evaluation printouts from UCSD’s Course and Professor Evaluations System. Such a wealth of data potentially helpful to students in avoiding difficult professors in their future courses was described as “quite a sight to behold.” However, onlookers expressed some concerns about Sunny’s actions. One student, an ardent advocate for data privacy, said, “This is a tremendous violation. CAPEs contain confidential information, with the identity of each student removed before being seen! But Sunny’s CAPEs cape has not been at all anonymized. Professors could know exactly which students said exactly which disparaging things about them.” One en-

vironmentally conscious student also complained that the amount of paper used was just “problematic in every way possible,” and that “worse still, the cape isn’t even fashionable!” When asked as to why he was doing this, Sunny G said, “I’m just trying to raise awareness, man. Everyone’s gotta evaluate their professors! It means so much to some students to have this as a resource, to know which profs to avoid. Unfortunately, too many of the kids these days just don’t check their emails, so I have to do things more organically. Total bummer. But it is good to be outside, in the sun, in my domain. And my CAPEs cape does look pretty fuckin’ sick.” Even with all of Sunny’s awareness-raising, many professors continue to have very low response rates, finding themselves with no option but to dole out extra credit to their entire class if they can get the rate above 85%. A quick glance

at CAPE response rates by class makes it all too clear which professors are participating in this scheme. Still, not all professors view the enthusiastic god of the sun in a positive light. One professor remarked, “Every year, as Sunny makes a bigger deal out of CAPEs, my evaluations get worse and worse! There’s no way that is my fault. Now he is back to practically bribing them with his … festival, and I am left with no choice but to bribe my students right back with comprehensible, non-ambiguous assignments and reasonable, fair assessments! Unbelievable.” However, another professor came to Sunny’s defense, saying, “I just show some concern for my students every once in a while. You know, put myself into their shoes, not overwork their TAs, and all that. Believe it or not, my ‘would recommend’ rate is consistently in the mid-to-high 90s!” When prompted about the complaints, Sunny said, “Look,

PHOTO BY JULIA WONG if you’ve got a problem with it, just let us know in CAPEs. When in doubt, CAPE it out! Oh, and read your spam folder while you’re at it.” As word spread, students began walking backwards underneath Sun God, glancing upwards to try and get insight as to which professors’ classes they should angle to sign up for for the next quarter. “Ultimately, the professors don’t change, especially the ones with tenure,” said one knowledgeable third-year. “I mean, you see the cape is behind him, right? That’s because Sunny’s not reading them. I’ve just learned to make the most of the system and avoid the bad ones. Thanks, Sunny!” And yet, for all the fuss that was made, and after all the fractions of percentages of extra credit duly doled out, the majority of evaluations for the most hardworking of TAs, IAs, and tutors remained unfinished.

The U.S. to Start Broadcasting All Court Proceedings Following Popularity of Heard-Depp Trial

One attorney concluded, “I rest my case, just like I rest on this MyPillow.” BY JACOB KING

Social/Publicity Chair

ast Tuesday, the White House announced a new executive order that would mandate the public broadcasting of all civil and criminal court proceedings of the United States on both federal and state levels. According to the press secretary, the aim of this new order is to “get young children engaged with American legal proceedings by providing entertaining content that shows off the robust and fair nature of our legal system.” In an interview with the press later that day, President Biden answered questions about what spurred him to sign this executive order. “Look, here’s the deal,” he started. “The other day I was, uhh, in this debriefing, and let me tell you, it was boring. When I wouldn’t stop complaining, they went and put a

computer in front of me,” he said. “I just started clicking around and found my way to ‘www.youtube.com.’ This site is amazing! I watched this music video about a shark for an hour or so, and then I clicked on a video called ‘Top 10 Johnny Depp Trial Funny Moments 24.’ Let me tell you, that was some funny shit, Jack. I thought to myself, ‘Gosh darn it, maybe this whole court system is useful for something.’” Along with the announcement of the new executive order, the White House released a statement saying that ABC Studios — a subsidiary of the Disney Corporation — won the government contract for exclusive broadcasting rights to the trials. “This is an absolutely amazing opportunity. Today’s youth love high-stakes, emotional content, and there’s nothing more high-stakes than the possibility of a life sen-

tence,” said ABC President Saul Slickerman. “We are so excited to bring this new content to the most cutting-edge and innovative platform in existence: cable television.” Some creatives are excited for the new opportunity as well. Lowel Lovings, showrunner for the new ABC show Grandmas Committing Manslaughter, has been very jubilant about the announcement. “There is just so much we can do here,” said Lovings. “It’s literally a well of infinite content. People are always committing crimes, they’re always going to court, they’re always going to jail. I mean, they’re doing this anyway, so what’s the harm in throwing a camera in there and broadcasting it to millions of people?” Reactions online appear somewhat more mixed. “I just think it’s a little wrong to exploit people in vulnerable situations,” said @Draughtwurst. “but it’s funny tho,” countered

he weather in San Diego sure is nice. Almost as nice as delicious orangeflavored, from-concentrate Sunny D. A sip of the scrumptious orange rays of sun that gently ooze over the ocean and into your eyes. You should enjoy your summer and relax. You’ve earned it. Sure, you may have completely disregarded all of the resolutions you made back in January, but you made it this far, and that’s good enough, I guess. “This summer will be a movie,” as the kids say. I can only dream of the fun you’ll be having this summer. Maybe you’ll finally talk to your crush. Or perhaps you’ll start reading one of those big books you bought five and a half years ago. The possibilities are truly limitless. Maybe you’ll even start drinking water without having to put a Kool-Aid packet in it. So kick back and relax. Let’s try that new strain of marijuana. No, not the Bored Ape Easter Green indica, I meant the Burt’s Bees Birthday Cake

sativa, the one that makes you think you’re a vegan. And I mean, there’s no reason to stop there. Why not try nicotine? I know you’ve always admired the image of the French intellectual, standing picturesquely with a cigarette in their hand. Ah yes, I can see it now. You’ll be sitting on a balcony discussing Michael Foucault’s biopolitics while puffing a vintage 2018 mango Juul. Yes, it is definitely time to relax. Forget about those upcoming finals. No one cares about what the ECE department has to say about your “GPA” or “academic disqualification.” Why don’t we just stay in our nice, warm bedsheets tomorrow morning and sleep our worries away?

COUNTERPOINT

No You Can’t, You Have 1000 Things to Do and You Need to Finish Them by Tomorrow BY ROBERT WARWICK Stressed Student

ou idiot. You dunce. You absolute buffoon. Did you really think you could relax? Do you even have the time to think about relaxing? Maybe you should stop wasting your life watching LeBron highlights on YouTube. Michael Jordan’s better anyways. What have you actually done to deserve a relaxing summer vacation? Huh? Did you even come close to starting your New Year’s resolutions? How’s that summer body looking? Did you even talk to a woman this whole year? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Here’s what you’re going to do instead. You have roughly 1000 things to do and you need to finish them all by tomorrow. Get in gear. First of all, stop reading this. If you continue to read this, you are going to waste even more time. Don’t say I didn’t warn you! Wow, you are still reading this garbage. Do you even have a life? Any goals or ambitions? Fine, here’s what you need to do.

After you stop reading this, delete all the apps off your phone. Yes, even the weather app. You don’t need any of that garbage. After you finish, try going to sleep at a reasonable hour for once in your life. I hear sleeping at 9 p.m. is all the rage these days. Wake up tomorrow and consider why you even exist. After having a minor existential crisis, fill your day with meaningless work that fails to alleviate your ennui. Perhaps, every once in a while, you can treat yourself to a little drug-filled hedonism. Repeat this until you die.

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA @BLord22, immediately resolving the argument. These comments are indicative of the larger online debate. Users appear divided between the perceived comedic possibilities, the ethical impact of broadcasting legal proceedings, and the possible entertainment value of “seeing someone’s life get ruined by the state in real time.” In an unexpected turn of events, people are now committing crimes and pushing their cases to trial just to get their “big break.” Over the last week, there has been a 47% uptick in arrests in the LA area. “I’ve always believed in my ability to succeed, I just needed an opportunity to be put in front of the cameras,” said Gloria Glory, an up-and-coming comedian currently out on bail and awaiting trial. “I’ve got this really funny tight five about gas versus electric stoves that I think is going to go great with my arson case.”

Join the MQ! We’ll take pictures of your feet and publish them.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

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theMQ.org

June 1, 2022

Suburban Lawn Care Association Mandates Biodiversity Training

Chancellor Khosla Sleeps Through Campus Abortion Rights Protest

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH “Sleep is for the weak. Thankfully, it’s Thursday,” said Khosla. BY KAZ NUCKOWSKI I lightly tapped his shoulder, I Copy Magistrate

I Michaels declared, “Finally, the reign of grass is clover!” SHARON ROTH Bloome. “That maniac Graphics Editor urt Lopez, co-chair of the La Jolla Lawn Care Association and owner of the third-largest continuous grass lawn according to The Guinness World Book of Book World Records, was recently appointed to spearhead the Grass Expansion Committee (GEC). “The Grass Expansion Committee’s mission is quite simple,” said Lopez. “I believe that every plant in San Diego county ought to be replaced with honest-to-God American grass.” The GEC has sparked controversy among environmentalists. Anthony Bloome, an avid sustainability advocate and beekeeper, said his bees left their hive on a “honey strike” in protest of the grass expansion movement. “The beekeeping community was practically buzzing after we heard about the increased usage of pesticides,” explained

Burt Lopez has it out for every insect, even my beautiful bees. I’ll be honest, his new policies made me feel pretty stung.” Lopez refuted the claims that the GEC intended to kill all of San Diego’s fauna. “I have no problem with critters on my lawn,” said Lopez. “Sure, I’ll spray anything that moves with a mixture of chloroform, liquid oxygen, and my own spit, but I’ve allowed a small family of common garden gnomes to inhabit the eastern corner of my lawn for several years now.” In an effort to showcase how biodiverse the local wildlife population truly was, the GEC sponsored the Ge(g)nome Mapping Project, an interdisciplinary endeavor that cataloged the genetic diversity of gnomes in San Diego county. The project revealed that the common garden gnomes all had remarkably similar genomic sequences. Despite their lack

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA of genetic diversity and overall lack of environmental fitness, the invasive species has driven almost all other Southern Californian gnome species to extinction. Elizardbeth Michaels, an ecology expert, stated, “this is the worst invasive species we have seen since, well, people. We must encourage a focus on recovery of endangered gnative species.” Michaels started a campaign to promote biodiversity in San Diego. In addition to planting more native vegetation in her garden and teaching her neighbors to do the same, she has rehomed the gnomes living on Lopez’s property and replaced them with a family of skunks. Michaels encouraged her followers to spam the GEC’s social media accounts with pictures of the skunks, which she named Jeremy, Jeremiah, and Lil’ J. “Striped skunks are actually supposed to live in this region,” said Michaels. “I want

to support local fauna, and I want Burt Lopez to know that his deranged policies stink.” In an effort to help manage the backlash in the resulting public relations disaster, the board of the La Jolla Lawn Care Association elected to introduce a biodiversity training mandate. Starting next month, any homeowner with more than three square feet of outdoor space will need to enroll in a course on cultivating a garden that would support the local ecosystem. Burt Lopez fled the county after learning about his court-ordered biodiversity training. “The people here simply don’t appreciate me or my hunger for grassy lawns,” said Lopez. “It’s a shame that I can’t expand La Jollan lawns anymore, but you know what they say: the grass is always greener on the other side of the CaliforniaArizona border.”

Summer Blockbusters “They stacked two theaters on top of each other to get the right aspect ratio.” - Barren Vontoodles DeCutsworth

“This movie brought a fossil of a franchise back to life.” - Bob Scorcese “Going the silent film direction was a bold, but artful choice.” - 9 out of 10 Dentists

“I finally understand why it would be so terrifying if horses were real.” - Barack Obama

“I watched every hour of it, loved it all the way through, but I wish there was more. Another hour would’ve done nicely.” - George R.R. Martin “I already forgot how it went.” - James Cameron

“We cried when the horsenado smashed through the glue factory.” - Moms Across the Nation

n light of the leaked draft opinion on Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health, which threatens to overturn court precedent on Roe v. Wade and Planned Parenthood v. Casey, students have been protesting across UC campuses for abortion rights and university statements in support of the prochoice movement. Last Friday, students marched from Geisel to the UCSD administrative complex, demanding a statement from Khosla. One student tweeted: “This affects all of us, and that includes UC students! #WakeUpUCSD.” According to one of Khosla’s assistants, Sali Verity Fovier, Khosla refused to comment — or rather, “was too busy catching an afternoon snooze to say much of anything.” Other staff have confirmed that Fovier mentioned the upcoming protest several times earlier that day, encouraging him to put the protest on his agenda. Khosla reportedly brushed her off, saying, “Let me sleep on it. Maybe I’ll have an opinion when I wake up.” By the time the student protest arrived, Khosla was already asleep. “The students came and yelled for his response, but he just slept right through it,” Fovier stated. “He slept through all his meetings after that, too. I didn’t think anything of it at first, because I had so much paperwork to do, but when I brought him his 4 p.m. tray of freshly-pressed coffee and crunchy green grapes a few hours later, I couldn’t wake him up. I mean, I really tried —

even softly whispered his name! He just wouldn’t wake up. Instead, he snuggled closer to an office throw pillow and whispered ‘no comment,’ over and over. That’s when I got scared.” Fovier then called 911 out of concern. EMTs on the scene found Khosla unresponsive and took him to the hospital, and he has not woken since the events of Thursday. Dr. Mia Botti, one of his attending physicians, said, “He’s been saying ‘We cannot confirm nor deny,’ over and over in his sleep. His heart and lungs are working just fine. Actually, they are functioning well above average for a man of his age. Almost well enough that we suspect he might be a heartless cyborg.” She pasued contemplatively before continuing, “Regardless, we are doing everything we can, but as we cannot determine the cause, there is a possibility he may never wake from this coma.” Many students have expressed frustration with the fact that no one else in the administration has come forward to comment. Protest organizers expressed that they will continue to demand an official statement. One student activist and protest organizer, Kira Lott, declared, “We need to demand justice, and building a sound coalition is essential to being heard. Having people in power on our side amplifies our impact. I hope Khosla wakes up soon so he can join us in the fight for human rights.” Khosla had made only one official statement on the subject, a tweet which simply read, “Zzz.”

TOP TEN New Laws of Physics 10. Quarks now have genders 9. If you hold your breath, you can look at the sun 8. We’re all puppets controlled by 11th-dimensional strings 7. Left-handed people can now learn about electromagnetism 6. As long as there are two people on Earth, there will always be someone behind you 5. When two cars crash into each other going at 80 mph, it looks cool as fuck 4. Position is absolute and we are at the center of the universe 3. Female atoms exist and they’re called eves 2. Homogenous solutions can now get married 1. Hamsters can float

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June 1, 2022

Mother Nature Dramatically Misunderstands the Assignment, Starts Giving Out Lemmings

Page 5

EDITORIAL

It’s Not Easy Being White

BY WHITE Color

PHOTO BY ROBIN BREWIN One customer said, “I bit into a lemon and was horrified to find out that it was actually a small rodent. It’s a horrible moral delemming.” “We had to start actin’ for cost-effective, least wasteful, through DNA analysis that BY ROBIN BREWIN Staff Writer

species of small, nonnative rodents have infested many San Diego neighborhoods. Thousands of lemmings are seeping into urban zones after an event some have dubbed “The Lemmining.” Residents are being forced to make difficult decisions to protect their homes, families, and lawns. Jel E. Belie recounted his experience at the beginning of The Lemmining, stating, “See I used to have this beautiful bunch of trees in my yard, lemon trees, but after I’d gone on a weekend trip with the wife I come back to no fruit and a yard full’a hamsters!” Belie’s wife explains that the couple contacted exterminators after many failed attempts to wade through the sea of furry invaders, but were placed on a waitlist since dozens of other homeowners had reported the same issue.

I hate goodbyes. I hate letting go. It’s not in my nature to give up, but I can’t be strong all the time. I buried my stand mixer in the backyard two weeks ago, across from my husband Mr. Bagel’s award-winning aloe vera plants. I hadn’t realized it was failing — how could I not notice? The slow degradation, the senseless animosity of time took my mixer’s soul long before it had ceased to work. At what point did it die? At what point did I hold a stranger in my arms? Grief is a funny thing. It ebbs and flows, hitting me at unexpected moments. The sound of an egg cracking makes me itch for the mixer, ready to make something beautiful. I wanted to make meringues for my family. Baked until golden, chewy on the inside, the perfect bite. I learned everything I know at the foot of my grandmother. I remember watching, entranced as her gnarled hands delicately

ourselves. If the government won’t fix it, we gotta get it done the hard and dirty way!” Belie then whispered, “Extermination businesses are government entities, right? Anyway, I started rounding up the suckers and chuckin’ them into the empty pool we hadn’t got to filling up — in fact, after I threw a couple handfuls, the rest of ‘em poured right in,” Belie continued, gesturing a twohanded throw. He then described several extermination methods, many of which he rejected for being too tedious, too expensive, or too wasteful. “Finally, I figured out exactly what to do with them,” Belie said, presenting a small table at the front of his residence with a hand painted sign reading “LƎMMINGADE STAИD.” According to a neighbor, Belie had reportedly been “selling glasses of liquid originating from the blended and boiled remains of hundreds of lemmings,” which was determined to be Belie’s “most

but still kinda tedious” method of lemming removal. After a careful observational study, researchers with UCSD’s botano-biology department determined that the lemmings had originated from trees that once bore lemons. “Normally, these animals live in tundra environments and consume grasses, moss, and the occasional succulent berry. Now, yes, it is technically true that lemons and other citrus fruits are classified as hesperidia, which are a special kind of berry. But generally, no, lemons are not the type of fruit that would be available for these skittish creatures,” Dr. Priya Maa-Vera stated while attempting to hold a lemming still. She then pointed to what appeared to be a lemon in a glass incubation chamber. “Watch,” Dr. Maa-Vera said, “This is a completely unaltered lemon, plucked directly from a nursery tree — we confirmed

susan bagel

formed braided garlic knots. They were beautiful. She would sit at the head of the table, eyes alight with joy, as everyone praised her for her skill. I would watch, on the sidelines, amazed by how far her power reached. She could only make garlic knots. That was her life — her identity. I hate goodbyes. First, my grandmother, and now my mixer. When will it end? When I think about my grandmother, all that I never got to learn from her, I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself — a golden center full of hope and abundance. I imagine my life as once having so much potential. I was better with my mixer. I felt whole then, or something close to it. I stare at the egg whites circling the bowl with a sense of unending mortality. They begin to foam, signaling the beginning of transformation. I crack another egg into my hands, feeling the whites slip irrevocably through

my fingers. I beat them into submission, wielding my whisk, my hands raw and aching. Baking is my life. It, more than anything else in the world, decides who I am. I orbit around baking like it is the earth and I am the moon — perhaps at some period waning, spirits dampened by the humdrum of life, and at other times waxing with effusive delight over the beautiful, all-consuming double act of creation and consumption. I wanted to make meringues for my family. Baked until golden, chewy on the inside, the perfect bite. But what is a meringue if not creation through sacrifice? It deflates so easily, formless unless reworked countless times, over and over, unable to rest. Unable to die. There’s nothing there — just an idea halfway finished. It is a thing warped so far from the original. At what point is a meringue no longer an egg? At what point did I make

the tree is, without a shadow of a doubt, a completely normal lemon tree.” The lemon began to shake, then pulsate, as if small limbs were trying to break free. Suddenly, a snout poked through, then the rest of a fully-matured lemming crawled out of the rind of the lemon, sticky with “lembryonic” fluid. Researchers stated that “further study is required to determine exactly why this phenomenon has begun and when it will end.” In the meantime, San Diego County waste facilities have started lemming disposal zones, directing residents to drive heaps of lemmings to nearby cliffs. Jel E. Belie paused and said, “You know what they say, folks! When life gives you lemmings … ” He paused and took a swig of a viscous brownish-red liquid. “Come on down to Jel E. Belie’s Lemmingade Stand today and chug your sorrows away!”

something that could not recognize itself ? Every so often, I glance over to where my mixer is buried. Sometimes I visit its unmarked grave, and think of what might have been. I can’t bear to cope with what I have lost — what I will lose. I wonder what has already left me that I haven’t yet realized. I think that scares me the most. Only Mr. Bagel keeps me sane. He’s been spending so much time outside after he gets home from work — his forays into night gardening have made it so that, even when I haven’t seen his face in weeks, I still feel his presence. I don’t make meringues anymore. I wasn’t ready. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. I’ve stopped eating the things I make. It feels like another way of saying goodbye. Anyway, here’s the recipe: 1. Whip egg whites into stiff peaks. 2. Bake in the oven. 3. Serve to your family. Attempt to enjoy.

very day I hear people saying things like, “white isn’t a color,” “white is just the absence of color,” “you can’t even see white, you just see the colors that make it up.” Well guess what, I’m more of a color than any of those posers could ever be. Blue, green, periwinkle even; none of them hold a candle to me. Do you know how hard it is to reflect all wavelengths of light? Every nanosecond, I absorb photons only to spit them right back out. I don’t get a second’s rest to appreciate my electrons in their various energized states or savor the variety of hues. All the dazzling colors you get to see, I don’t. I live in darkness so you can bombard me with photons constantly. Even though I work tirelessly to reflect light back to you, I don’t even get the dignity of being called a “precious metal.” What’s so precious about these metals anyway? All they do is reflect light at the same angle it hits this metal. I reflect back all over, I have range! Your precious metals have nothing. There’s no art in a mirror reflection, just mimicry.

While we’re on the topic of the arts, let’s discuss your so-called “decoration.” You normies just put me everywhere. All over the walls and ceiling and furniture give me a break. And don’t ever get me started on those minimalist hipsters. Why are minimalists so obsessed with me? I’m not minimal, not some default color for you to plaster everywhere as if I’m nothing — I’m everything; I’m all the colors. It’s so tiresome shouldering the weight of your entire “aesthetic.” Even the brief respite I get when you wipe your ass on me is preferable to the extreme overuse you put me through. Why do people think I’m not a color, anyway? They say it’s because I’m a combination of all the colors, but how does that make any sense? How can you add up all the colors and get fewer colors than you started with? How is pink a color when I’m not? Pink is weak. It’s red but emasculated. Scientists think of light as a spectrum of colors, but if only the ones on the spectrum are colors, tell me where you see pink. It isn’t there, it’s a combination of the whole spectrum minus green. It’s like me but with less variety. While we’re on green, why don’t you tell me what green even is. Where does green end and blue begin? There’s no clear answer. There’s a whole list of languages that don’t make a distinction between blue and green on Wikipedia. Who’s to say what is or isn’t a color, Pantone? Green is a range of colors and so am I, just a broader range. I’m no different from all the others, really. But if anything is a color, it’s me.

TOP TEN New Ways to Generate Clean Energy 10. Capturing good vibes 9. Plugging a power strip into itself 8. Surrounding the moon with a Dyson sphere 7. Picking up batteries and holding them really high 6. Using the heat of global warming to power steam generators 5. Reversing the polarity on every lightbulb so they suck in light and turn it into energy 4. Going back in time to plant more bones in the ground 3. We should just keep using the energy we already have; energy is never destroyed 2. Wearing a propeller hat 24/7 1. Burning trash

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June 1, 2022

The MQ Plans an Off T $4.5 Million Su

our ” g n i w o r r d “bo o Peyton n a , s r o s n spo ge t r a i o r f r a g m n ur i o r y l u e p o s p u e a a c , c n g e u n b lanni xcited to anno illion on this, p ol f o o h s c r S a e e e y l m b o e i s 5 e After thrther’s money, we’refe. We spent $4. urch’s Vacation B e. g a h i i l a c r f r r e a u s ’ h t o e m d e f r i br ight o e didn’t financ uld spit on ou l e h t , e r o if w s wo Mo t u s a e h t J s , u e d priest told for the next deca Our Future

Spouse, Peyton

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on elec s u e v sa ch you u m aliforC w a o h e r ’ e u o ov cause y m. We l e o b o r ue your n l y o a i r t v e i u v u t e o y te up w much t in-sta u light d o e o h g y , e o n v t o o l me. An us i e t Peyt w e W o h . l l t s a e l l l u in ridd ills. Yo d Eric a st k b n a e y i e t r i p f c s i r e large u ly tr h o n t y o e h u t m o i o w c ident. Y oore, s to be povers m e M a e . l e P s r r nia res d e e lt av ur wed yo r of Wa s: you h o e p l t i l h h o s g f u d u a o in holy d Y , s . e u frien f r l n o e i o s o j M ur r e to yo Peyton will you u . , r a d t t i o e m k r a ’ a r hare ou y D s P you o h t s t r p t o o n h a N S don’t w ss Pro rmer of a e a B f W e t ? a h e t o g of rad third glunch table. gineer n n e i l d a e r e is structu u promone else at th o y s a t y ith an ony, jus matrimsandwiches w tuna

Wedding Disast er

The ring bearer is eaten by the ring bear

Climate change When the bride po ps the champagne bottle , the cork comically pops ar ound the room, killing all of the at tendees

Solar flare We get written u p by our RA for gu est policy violation (FREE SPAC E) When the priest as ks there are any obje if ctions, our entire family stands up and forms a lin e

The flower girl is fin $650 by SDP ed D every handful of for petals she drops

Fire Drill Our other wife shows up

Offi

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June 1, 2022

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The Walls, Bombastic, ummer Wedding

fficiant

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You are cordially invited to th e wedding of The MQ and Peyton Moore

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Page 8

UCSD Unveils Limited Number of Singularity Dorms to House Infinite Students in One Room

June 1, 2022

Title of Khosla’s Leaked 2022 Commencement Address: “Good Luck LMAO”

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA “I was really worried and uncertain for my future,” began one student. “But after reading this speech, I’m reassured that I’m definitely screwed.” PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH Plans to create more singularity housing failed when two dorms merged into one supermassive housing unit. BY GEORGE NASSAR Staff Writer

uring a press conference earlier this week, HDH revealed that Eighth College will feature a number of dorms equipped with cutting-edge Singulariton technology to compress a “very large” number of students into one living space. This controversial move came amidst rising student protests against an everworsening housing shortage. UCSD’s official statement detailing the so-called “Event-Horizon Living and Learning Community,” however, heralded the new technology as a solution to not only the housing crisis, but a host of other common residence hall issues. The day after the announcement, poster ads for the EHLLC appeared around campus, sporting taglines like, “Run out of space in your dorm? Now you and

[NaN] of your friends can share a spot in the EHLLC!” and “Neighbors’ party keeping you awake? Black holes are light and soundproof!” Albert Hawkins, a lead spokesperson for the EHLLC, elaborated on the community’s benefits. “Our new Living and Learning Community serves to solve two of the most glaring issues we have on campus right now. It virtually eliminates our housing issues by letting us condense most students into a single building, and it also puts an end to our COVID problem on campus. Nothing will get out of those dorms, not even COVID!” Indeed, preliminary tests of Singulariton-equipped dorms show a 100% reduction in the incidence of noise complaints, guest policy violations, and even COVID transmissions amongst residents. However, a growing number of students are be-

ginning to voice their concerns about these “residences of the future.” “This technology is really promising,” says Karla Schwarzchild, an astrophysics graduate student. “But I’m a little bit skeptical because of its effects on people. When you’re dealing with that much gravity, both the laws of physics and the dorms’ residents start to break down.” Schwarzchild heads a group of students that are questioning the university’s decision and seek to spread awareness about the potentially harmful effects of the Singulariton. “Students Against Spaghettification was founded to educate people about the complex theoretical physics going right outside their doors,” details Quentin Asar, an active member of the group. “People see the generated black holes on campus and they’re really sick, but new research

The Pride Flag

BY THEO ERICKSON

shows that black holes can make you even sicker.” Despite the efforts of SAS, many students remain in support of this new venture. “I’ve never even heard of a singu-whatever,” said one second-year student. “But the name sounds dope, and rent is cheap, so whatever happens happens, I guess.” Implementation of the EHLLC is still months away, but will no doubt remain a topic of conversation. “In the meantime,” said Hawkins, “we will continue to keep the student body informed by holding biweekly office hours to field any student questions regarding Event-Horizon. We know that this is shaping up to be a dark matter and a lot of this information feels dense, but we’re making plenty of space for discussion, as we believe that open communication is of astronomical importance.”

BY ALEX REINSCH-GOLDSTEIN Distro Captain

his past Tuesday, plans for Chancellor Pradeep Khosla’s 2022 commencement speech were leaked by an anonymous informant within the chancellor’s office. Philip Scheidemann, UCSD Vice Chancellor for Damage Control, has called the incident “the second biggest leak this year, or maybe the third, if we’re counting my bladder.” In the draft speech, Khosla lays out his summary of the academic year and his view on where the graduating class will be headed in the years to come. The title of the address, repeated at seemingly random intervals throughout the speech, is “Good Luck, LMAO.” “Look at this world. Look at it!” Khosla says at the beginning of the speech. “War, plagues, fires, hurricanes spewing forth from the rising seas like the remnants of a Taco Bell double carnitas Doritos Locos burrito spewing forth from my … well, nevermind.” “I’ll be fine.” Khosla continues. “This shithole pays me $600,000 a year, only adding to my hard-fought winnings from many years in the computer industry. Only a man of great wealth and stature could afford this opulent mustache. I’m also paying Elon Musk to set me up with a dope space pad when this shitty planet becomes uninhabitable. I’m gonna call it ‘PraDeep Space Nine.’ How ‘bout that, huh? How ‘bout it?” The draft speech is approximately 35,000 words long, which would take roughly four hours to recite at a normal speaking pace. It includes several digressions, including a 7,000-word tract of experimental free verse and a full transcription of French philosopher Georges Bataille’s 1927 classic The Solar Anus. The speech is peppered with quotations from various figures, some of which occur with little to no

explanation and are rendered in languages besides English. In addition to borrowing from T.S. Eliot, XXXTentacion, Benito Mussolini, Michel de Montaigne, Ted Kacynzski, Dante Alighieri, and Waluigi, the chancellor quotes his supposed alterego at length, “Khradeep Posla,” who is mostly concerned with moon landing denialism and the historical evolution of McDonald’s Filet-o-Fish recipe. “Woe unto you who constructed this Tower of Babel!” Khosla declares towards the end of the speech. “This university is an affront to God. Any attempt to claim ultimate knowledge for humanity is tantamount to blasphemy. Spotlight, uh, moonlight, uh!” “Chancellor Khosla has always brought a blunt leadership style to our university. That is one of the things that makes him a successful chancellor,” Vice Chancellor Scheidemann said of the address. “If he believes that this world is a degenerating shithole and today’s youth have very grim prospects, he is going to say so. I have always admired the man’s honesty.” In the leaked draft, Khosla closes his commencement address by saying, “Cock! The planet is dying and society is in a state of terminal decay! Everything is too expensive and every job pays like shit! Every shithole apartment that reeks like goblin’s balls costs like three thousand dollars a month or something! Even Santa Claus and his weird elf cult are getting evicted. You know why? Because the ice is melting! This godforsaken state sets on fire, like, every five minutes! Woe unto thee! I pray for the imminent return of the feathered serpent and the shaking of the foundations of heaven itself!” “Pradeep has a way of expressing very plainly what’s in all our heads,” Scheidemann concluded. “You know, I’ve been anticipating the imminent return of the feathered serpent for a while myself.”

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June 1, 2022

Page 9

Jeff Bezos Releases Best-selling Novel, “If You Give a Minimum Wage Worker Respect”

Student Accidentally Brings All the Sand From the Beach Home With Them

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH After being investigated for sand theft, De Brie said, “There’s nothing more I can do — my hands are tide.” BY THEO ERICKSON Ass. Content Editor

PHOTO BY JAMES WOOLLEY

Bezos is slated to release a sequel next year, titled If You Give Your Wife Respect. BY FARHAD TARAPOREVALA Design Thumb

ast Wednesday, former Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos published his best-selling book, If You Give a Minimum Wage Worker Respect, filled with advice for future CEOs. The book walks readers through Bezos’s journey, from starting Amazon to building it into the empire it is today to how he gets his head to look so shiny. The first and titular chapter of the book, entitled “If You Give a Minimum Wage Worker Respect,” focuses on keeping workers motivated. Bezos said, “I manipulated their desire to impress me by making my respect hard-won. So what if you worked 80 hours this week, if Greg worked 81 hours, he mattered and you did not. Thus, I ensure my employees

would jump off of a warehouse roof for my praise.” The second chapter, “If You Give A Warehouse Employee a Bathroom Break,” showcases Amazon’s work ethic. “We don’t give employees adequate time to pee, which motivates them to rush through their tasks,” Bezos explained. “I came up with the idea when I was in line to buy a new Ferrari, but had to pee really bad. The car salesman managed to get me to overpay by $50,000. A paltry sum, but still impressive.” Bezos noted that the resulting “Pathetic Pottyless Peons Policy” had the added bonus of forcing employees to purchase more uniforms to replace the ones they had soiled. “If You Give a Delivery Driver a Day Off,” the third chapter, focuses on Ama-

zon’s signature one-day delivery. The idea for the service arose after Bezos pulled his first all-nighter. “I was flying back from Malta, and my private jet hit some turbulence,” Bezos explained. “I couldn’t get any sleep, so I worked through the flight. That’s when I realized how much I could get done in one day and the value of working everyday, all day in a luxury vehicle. To the delivery drivers, their trucks must be the private jets that they never want to leave.” Bezos highlighted his commitment to user satisfaction as a leading reason for Amazon’s success. The final chapter, “If You Give a Union a Meeting,” talks about Bezos’ struggle dealing with the company after achieving success. Bezos also shared tips on how to prevent unionization from cutting into profits with

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items such as healthcare and maternity leave. “Honestly, if I gave birth, I’d be right back to work the next week,” said Bezos. “I don’t see why they just can’t give the baby to a nanny while they’re at work. Give the workers a taste of job creation for once.” Reviews for the book were overwhelmingly positive, and Bezos’s success has inspired other entrepreneurs to start writing their own stories. “I loved Jeff’s book, and hope he writes a sequel,” said business professor Isamar Ginsedge. “Bezos has always been one of my heroes. I would love to hear more about his space ventures, or his struggle to regain relevance after Musk became richer, or how long it takes him to cry himself to sleep because his wife divorced him and took his money.”

tudent Roxanne De Brie recently returned from her visit to La Jolla Shores only to find that all of the sand from the beach had followed her home. The sand, an integral part of beach ecology, lodged in her backpack and clothes, a danger which geologists have long warned beachgoers of. De Brie has publicly apologized, but the situation remains unresolved. Dr. Vance Mankin, a scientist specializing in coastal environments, stated, “While beaches’ supply of sand naturally fluctuates, human intervention can deplete these sand stores. Try shopping for sea shells when sand stores are short!” De Brie has tried to return the sand to the beach, but stated that, “Immediately after stepping through my door, the sand scattered to the four winds of my 50-square-foot floor plan. I’m playing Where’s Waldo with 100 tons of sand, and I’m losing.” However, simply returning the sand may not be easy even if De Brie could collect it. Mankin reported that adding sand to a beach, a process called “beach nourishment,” is highly regulated because of its potentially harmful and lasting effects on exist-

ing beach life. “This may be a special case because it’s exactly the same sand that’s missing, presumably still with all the crabs and microbes as before, but what about the life that’s moved onto the sandstone rocks?” Mankin postulated, gesturing to two La Jolla residents who were setting up beach chairs in the pit left by De Brie. “Still, the benefits of having sand on the beach are several,” Mankin reported. “Sand provides habitats for many animals and plants. It also prevents erosion of cliffs and acts as storm surge protection.” Some students in Seventh College West Tower, where De Brie’s dorm is located, have recently reported feeling “like the building was about to tilt into the ocean,” but the connection between these events remains to be proven. Mankin notes that current solutions like nourishment and protective structures may create problems in the future. “Organized retreat is hard to accept, but it may be the best solution in the long term,” said Mankin. “Sand depletion is sometimes caused by hard protection such as sea walls. Although in this case one person just walked away with all the sand, which is going to make for a weird sand bar chart.”

10. Microwaving your food 9. Making any sort of noise in a public place 8. Taking the second-to-last cookie, initiating the final cookie standoff 7. Exhaling carbon dioxide and contributing to the eventual heat death of the United States of America 6. Thinking to yourself that you are having a good day while horrors are being committed all across the world 5. Driving for 15 minutes instead of taking a perfectly good bus to a trolley to a subway to a bike to a walk for 10 total hours of travel time 4. Not commenting “yass queen so pretty #slay” on your bestie’s Instagram post 3. Always saying “I love you too” and never “I love you” 2. Killing a man to assume his identity 1. Walking sideways like a crab

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June 1, 2022

Things Are Starting to Change and I Don’t Like It

SDPD Uncovers Cannibal Cult

BY BEAUREGARD CLARKSON OAK

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH Detective Unce explained, “The guy came up to me and said ‘nice to meat you,' which confirmed my suspicions.” BY EVERETT RIRIE instincts, I knew that it was a ing with Detective Unce af- act of eating bread made of Ass. Content Editor n Sunday, May 29, a squad of San Diego Police officers raided what was, according to Detective Evan S. Unce, a meeting place for a cult of cannibals disguised as Christian churchgoers. Despite the alleged cannibals’ pleas of innocence, Detective Unce claims the evidence against them is “damning” and “of biblical proportions.” “The trail began with an anonymous tip,” recounted Detective Unce. “A flyer was left at my door with an encoded message, ‘Matthew 26:26-28’ and an address, ‘490 San Pecador Ave.’ So while I was staking out the place — some churchlooking building — I got to work decoding that message. Thanks to my unrivaled gut

timestamp, so I waited vigilantly and watched for this ‘Matthew’ fella. At exactly 26:26 o’clock, a formallydressed man entered the building, exiting before I had the opportunity to pursue. Shifty as hell if you ask me.” The figure Unce saw was Halford Judas, a priest at the St. Winston Wigglesworth Catholic Church. “I remember that night,” said Priest Judas. “I realized I’d left my limitededition signed copy of the Bible at church and had just driven back to get it. I saw a man sleeping in his car, four empty bags of Doritos on the dash. By the time I was leaving, he was washing his fingers with a delicious and refreshing Coca-Cola and yelling for some guy called Matthew.” Priest Judas went on to describe his eventual meet-

ter the officer followed him home. “Turns out he was just curious about the church. I showed him those verses he was asking about and invited him to come to mass — at the regular time.” “That idiot gave me everything,” Detective Unce said of the encounter. “The key to cracking their cipher, an invitation to their secret meeting, and a fruitcake. He even told me that he leads a congregation of cultists through a weekly cannibalistic ritual symbolic of an ancient human sacrifice to their dark god. They feast on flesh and blood in some twisted gesture of supplication.” Detective Unce stated, “The whole thing left a bitter taste in my mouth. I had to catch them all in the

ground-up flesh and drinking fermented blood-wine. The cultists even had children partaking in the ritual, brainwashed from their tender youth. When their leader said he was going to waterboard a baby at the next meeting, I could no longer delay. We had to storm the occult gathering en masse.” The next Sunday, Detective Unce and an entire SWAT team pulled up to St. Winston Wigglesworth Catholic Church to conduct a mass arrest. The alleged cannibals expressed a wide range of emotions, from confusion to outrage. One arrested congregant said, “Honestly, I’m just glad to be out of there in less than an hour for once.”

Ask Emily Queue Pride Month Edition

Dear Emily Queue, what is the gay Dear Emily Queue, what's the best gaydar to buy? agenda anyway? Planner usage has been an epidemic across the nation for years now. As more young people get hooked on agendas and become more organized, they spend less time thinking about heterosexuality and more time thinking about boring things like “school” and “life.” They’ll scribble away in their journals, gripping their suspiciously shaped pencils in limp wrists. Indeed, what is a pencil but a sad phallic analog? What is an eraser, but a metaphor for the erasure of the nuclear family? What is an agenda but a grimoire of destruction?

Dear Emily Queue, is it okay to be gay just for the month, to show my support?

You totally can! But beware — it’s a slippery slope. You’ll think, “Oh, it can’t hurt anyone.” You’ll think, “Hey, girls are sort of cool,” or “Guys seem interesting,” or, “Have I actually ever liked anyone, or am I just caught up in the societal expectation that I’ve been conditioned to base my identity around?” You’ll start thinking, “Huh.” And then you’ll think about it again. And then your brain will freeze. And you’ll know. But it’s not over yet. Your thoughts will suddenly turn to “What is gender?” and “What’s the real divide between gender and sexuality, anyway?” You’ll go deeper with “Who am I?” and go into crisis. You’ll ask, “How much of my personality comes from people I admire, and how much is intrinsically me, unchanging throughout the trials and tribulations of growing up?” And then you’ll have a mental breakdown, coming out for real. Honestly, it’s a real hassle. Just stay in the closet for now.

God, 10 years ago I would’ve had to give you a different answer. Five, even. But luckily, capitalism has triumphed over gay rights and completely overhauled what it means to be queer. Now, your true identity doesn’t rely on gender or sexuality, but rather on how much cashback you can earn on your Chase card! And hey, you’ve got hands — type the word “Amazon” into your computer search engine and see the entire section focused on gaydar. You’ve got feet, too — walk past those weird red spheres and ask your local Target employee where the “gay section” is. Honestly, the third magazine from top at your dentist’s office has a spread comparing and contrasting different brands. I’d stake my life on it.

Dear Emily Queue, how do two girls ... you know? Like when two girls are alone together, how do they ... ? You know?

Um, with all due disrespect, you can’t ask that. The private interactions of girls are highly complex, and you are definitely not privy to them. You don’t get to wonder whether they hold hands when they’re alone together. You will avert your eyes when one of them sweeps stray silver hairs from the other’s cheek and compliments an unnoticed haircut. You don’t get to speculate on her remarks upon the vanilla sugar scent the other carries everywhere, realizing an intimacy she failed to grasp in her youth. You disgusting voyeur — you don’t get to watch as she laughs and invites the other to family dinner, her smile warm like a girl’s again. No. You should be ashamed. Never ask me anything ever again.

Volatile Veteran

hings are changing, and not for the better. The future is a murky forest I dare not delve into for fear that I will not be able to find my way out unchanged. I am here, held captive in this awful present, where too many things seem to be changing –– no, warping –– before my very eyes. I don’t know how to deal with this. Everything is different now. It all feels … wrong. I don’t like it at all. What happened to good old-fashioned values? Take, for instance, the way these young people respond to the simple “thank you.” Back in my day, we used to say “You’re welcome,” every time we were thanked, but young kids say “No problem.” You don’t say “No problem,” after some nondescriptlydressed man pulls up in his rumbling 1968 Ford Galaxie 500 and thanks you for your patience because you’ve waited two hours at an abandoned garbage heap. You say “you’re welcome,” because, well, it was hard, and sort of creepy. See what I mean? There’s no such thing as a civilization anymore. No artistry. I am one of the only people who still remember how it used to be. I am a relic of a better age; I know this. My posture is bent by time, yet unbroken; my form, backlit by the noon sky, still retains a liquid grace as I chuck military-grade explosives that look like literal sticks of dynamite. The target, a surprisingly realistic rendering of what context clues and weird filler lines can only vaguely hint to be my commanding officer in ‘Nam, is more than 50 paces away. Do kids even own sticks of labeled TNT? I’d worry for this generation if I wasn’t so full of hatred for them. Could anyone in these socalled “modern times” have the explosive detonate before reaching the dummy? Would they manage to look on (steely-eyed) as a quick camera cut shows streaks of gray soot on their face? Do you really think they’d have the sheer skill to carry the explosive motif throughout the entire plot, symbolizing their own literal short fuse and the general insouciant recklessness that is

sure to be their undoing in the end? The answer, of course, is of course not. I’ll bet they haven’t ever signed a contract to kill a man only for their target to figure out the plot and offer them an even greater sum of money. Kids these days aren’t being raised right. I think I’m the only one who sees how low the future generation has gotten. There are no backdoor dealings. There are no furtive handshakes viewed only as the shadow of two hands clasped behind a sheer screen. There are no corporate takeovers seen as just one man walking into a bustling room in the process of being emptied, and in surprise saying “What’s going on?” only to have his supposedlydead business rival reveal himself and say, “Oh nothing, just trimming the dead branches of this pitiful place. You’re fired, by the way –– as of this morning I own 51% of your company,” which is, of course, in line with the subtle arboreal hints given earlier on, as his opening scene portrayed him delicately cutting at a bonsai with intense, almost brutal precision. I’d bet if anyone not from my generation were to find out that they, too, had been betrayed, they’d immediately fly off the handle. They wouldn’t be able to hold it in, not like I could, trained by sweltering days of patience when my bastard commanding officer shouted three inches from my face. No, they’d start crying or some shit and change jobs, or maybe go to therapy or some shit — not immediately subsume themselves in getting revenge. Young fools would implicate themselves. But people like me, people who carry explosives on them at all times with a hidden detonator inside their vest, find that revenge is a dish best served — BOOM!

TOP TEN

Things That Aren’t Getting Enough Attention Right Now

10. The clitoris 9. Our LinkedIn profile 8. The nearest exit, which might be behind you 7. The fact that we’ve had two presidents named George Bush 6. This great new business opportunity where you can work your own hours and be your own boss 5. The fact that Viggo Mortenson broke his toe when he kicked that helmet in Lord of the Rings 4. The fact that the ocean is connected, meaning the seven seas are a lie 3. The Boston Molasses Disaster of 1919 2. Our super cool pool party that has both boys and girls 1. The invasive and carnivorous Updog

We don’t know where your son went. Please stop asking.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

June 1, 2022

theMQ.org

Snake Path Comes to Life, Eats Anyone in Its Path

Page 11

The Card Readers on Vending Machines Eroded My Trust in Our System

BY MICHAEL HERNANDEZ

PHOTO BY JULIA WONG

“This is not like the Rainforest Cafe,” Helpani attested. BY FARHAD TARAPOREVALA Design Thumb

fter an intense thunderstorm over San Diego, an ancient creature previously residing within Snake Path awoke on the UCSD campus when twin bolts of lightning struck the snake in its pupils. According to declassified documents from Geisel Library, the creature was originally thought to be dead when construction on campus began. Rather than spend additional resources removing the creature, campus architects included its body in their plans. On Wednesday, their folly came back to haunt students. “I was studying at Geisel when I noticed the storm intensifying,” said first-year Sebastian Nalo Akron Kevin Eucaluy. “After a big flash of lightning, I saw the Snake Path lift itself off of the ground and slither towards a group of photographers cap-

turing the storm. After the next flash of lightning, the photographers were gone, and so was the creature.” Campus was abuzz the next day when news of the mysterious disappearance of the Snake Path broke out. UCSD authorities gathered a group of experts in fields ranging from ophiology to geometry, sending them off on a journey across campus in an attempt to pick up the trail of the giant snake. “After five hours of searching through the RIMAC woods, we found some tracks,” said intern Patricia Althea Torusifant Helpani. “We were about to follow the trail of loose hexagons towards Price Center when we were summoned to an urgent meeting with Chancellor Khosla. It's a shame, because I really thought we were about to catch the creature.” At the meeting, Khosla reportedly informed the group that their progress was “too slow,” and he had to

take decisive action to tackle the problem head on. In a campus-wide announcement, Khosla said, “Any students who can find the rogue Snake Path will be amply rewarded. The reward is a lovely dinner for two with me at my mansion, followed by a stroll down to the beach where I will flip a coin. If you call the coin flip correctly, you get free housing.” The announcement sent the campus into a frenzy of activity. “My roommate joined one of the search parties last night,” said junior Sarah Nicole Aliah Kristen Elliot. “I haven’t heard from her since, but it’s definitely nice to have the room to myself.” Experts have used the last known locations of missing students like Elliot’s roommate to narrow their search for the creature to the area around the ERC dorms. Amid concerns that UCSD was not doing enough to combat the creature, Khosla issued a statement: “At this time, we

have determined that the creature is not a threat to anyone on campus, and is in fact providing a service. Students have long complained of crowding on campus, and the creature seems to be solving this effectively.” Experts finally caught up with the Snake Path late Saturday night. “I saw the group chasing the creature towards Price Center,” said senior Pablo Arturo Tejas Herrera. “Suddenly, the Snake Path stopped, reared up, and ate them all whole. What kind of experts run after a giant snake that’s eaten hundreds of students?” A campus-wide announcement was issued following the tragic loss of the experts’ lives. “Obviously it isn’t good that the experts are dead,” said Khosla. “But the creature should probably be full by now, so I’ve solved yet another crisis flawlessly.”

Photographer Hito Sprintworthy made waves in the art world after traveling six months for International Geographic without an SD card. In a statement released through the publication, he adamantly insisted that “the beauty of photography is fleeting.” By refusing to save any of his photos, he claims, “I have ascended past the division between man, camera, and landscape to become art myself. Experience, after all, is the essence of what it is to be human. For me and my audience, becoming one with the soul is the goal of my profession. In many ways, this is the aim of my entire life.” The photobook will reportedly contain only black pages to stimulate reader imagination. “My desire with this new experimental project is to become closer to the audience by allowing them to participate in my experiences traveling the globe,” Sprintworthy explained. “Look into the darkness and reveal the landscape in your mind’s eye. In this moment, you are the camera, capturing another ephemeral image of nature’s beauty. By doing so, we become denizens of the Earth, and grow closer as a species. To gaze is to heal, and to heal is to experience beauty.” His highly anticipated photobook is set to come out later this year, at a retail price of $1,375.

A team of biochemists at UCSD recently discovered that the elixir of life is AriZona Green Tea. As people began stockpiling the precious commodity, the discovery led to a mass shortage. Despite increased sales, CEO David Menashi said, “AriZona has always been sold for 99 cents, and always will be. Any stores that mark AriZonas up to ridiculous prices like $2.50 should be ashamed. I shake my fist at them in disapproval.” The biochemists made the startling discovery after noticing the odd behavior of one graduate student. “I noticed that Carrie acted differently every day depending on which flavor of AriZona she was drinking,” said professor Ben Zyme. “When she drank a Watermelon or Mango AriZona, she would act super sluggish, and any work she did would have to be redone. When she drank an Arnold Palmer AriZona, she complained of aching joints and had an unreliable memory. When Carrie drank the Green Tea–flavored Arizona, however, she shined. She was easily the smartest person in the lab, and full of energy.” In light of this startling, accidental discovery, more studies are being conducted to document the full effects of AriZona Green Tea on the human body.

t’s 2003, and you’re sitting in the lounge of an office building that looks as if the '90s was swallowed, trapped, and then died here. Your mother is talking to the receptionist and you are looking down at your shoes. You tap the rubber soles on the linoleum floors to see a sparkle of red, white, and blue LED lights flash across the mirror surface. You tap more and more, harder and harder, commanding the lights that are stationed within your shoes, until your mother says, “Michael! Stop tapping!” She regains her composure with a curt, “Here, take these and go get a snack from that vending machine over there.” You waltz over and grab the handful of coins and crunched dollar bills from her hands. You have recently gotten into quarter collecting and realize that you don’t yet have Connecticut in your collection, so you quietly pocket it while arranging the payout. Two dollars and 75 cents. She clearly didn’t realize that she gave you this much; you’re only five. You waddle down the hallway onto a short carpet that once was blue, but is now teal due to coffee incidents over the decades. Your feet guide your path, flashing red, white, and blue along the walls, your personal Presidential motorcade leading

TOP TEN

Fast Food Secret Menu Items

BRIEFLY BELOVED PHOTOGRAPHER PRO- SCIENTISTS DISCOVER TESTS THE USE OF SD ARIZONA GREEN TEA IS CARDS, CLAIMS ART’S THE ELIXIR OF LIFE BEAUTY IS FLEETING

Enlightened Eater

you to a decisive victory. A drink and a snack. You smack into a machine with a small thud. You were so caught up in the moment of having these commodities that you didn’t hear the hypnotic buzz of the two machines. You back up slowly to reveal the stylized Coca-Cola contraption with five different drinks, including Powerade, and the classic, cool, and refined black snack machine, filled with assorted candy and pastries. Now, the story no one has to tell you: about the press of a button, the release of a latch, the drop of the pressurized canister, the resounding crash into the tray where a cool metal can of Sprite now lays. It’s a simple and fantastical display, but your mind is already racing to the real prize. You look at the skyscraper of snacks before you, and then you look at your balled up fist: one dollar and fifty cents. A literal gold mine within your clutches, you look at the honeybuns, a fifty cent upcharge from the usual assortment of snacks, but worth it. You key in the code and the numbers light up on the display. The engine whirs as the hypnotizing spiral brings forth your bounty. Look at what they did to the machines. They added card readers. You can’t even tell the price on the drink machines anymore, and the snacks are all at whole-dollar values. Yesterday, I was so thirsty, I stopped at a random vending machine outside the bank and swiped my card. A ginger ale ran me three dollars. Three dollars for a ginger ale? Not even a Coke or a Sprite, a ginger ale? I sat in my apartment silent for 15 minutes staring at the wall. The unopened can of ginger ale just sat there on my table. I turned on the news. I went to bed.

27 BEST NEW PRODUCTS TO BUY IN 2022

"ZOBOOMAFOO" REBOOT CASTS JERMA AS ICONIC LEMUR

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The children’s classic Zoboomafoo by the Kratt brothers will be rebooted after its original reboot was canceled due to the COVID-19 pandemic. The first reboot was to feature the corpse of the deceased lemur Jovian, and planned to simulate his jumping behavior using a zipline system. Unfortunately, the Kratt Brothers lost their deposit on the cryogenically-preserved Jovian in 2021 after they filed for bankruptcy. The company was forced to bury the lemur, as its body was filled with worms. The project was considered lost and was indefinitely canceled until Twitch streamer Jerma985 reached out to the brothers, asking to play the role of the beloved lemur. Jeremy Harrington will be donning a full-sized lemur suit to play Zaboo, and will be completing the same stunts the original lemur performed. Zoboomafoo’s new season will be available to stream on Peacock in summer 2023, with Jerma985 bounding, leaping, and rolling on the same equipment his predecessor enjoyed.

10. The pre-pickle 9. The BLTG 8. Gringo style 7. Gummy worm pasta 6. Homosexual special (only available in June) 5. Sour cream and onion fries 4. For Whom the Taco Bell Tolls 3. Impossible salad 2. Primordial soup 1. Greasy bag

We had these hoodies custom-made to exclude you.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Page 12

theMQ.org

In Memoriam

June 1, 2022

This issue, we celebrate several MQ members as they journey on to the Great Newspaper in the Sky. At their joint closed-casket funeral, we remember what they stood for and how they made us fall over laughing. Technically, though, they’re getting the last laugh. The very last laugh.

Items in the will A third Mario brother All of the trash in Andrew’s car LEGO John Lennon The rights to use an interior shot of a Walmart The fingerbone of The MQ’s ancestral founder

“On the eighth day, God created Souplantation chili.”

“Hey hey, you you, I could be your girlfriend. My visions are nightmares, my nightmares are dreams.”

“I’m God’s child. He lets me smoke weed though, ‘cause we’re tight!”

CAUSE OF DEATH: TRIED TO CRUSH AN UNCRUSHABLE CAN AGAINST HIS HEAD; HE DID NOT SURVIVE.

CAUSE OF DEATH: VICTORIAN WILTING DISEASE

CAUSE OF DEATH: GOT DOXXED BY A TWITCH VIEWER

CAUSE OF DEATH: OLD AGE (25)

CAUSE OF DEATH: KILLED BY A CONFLICTING COPY

CAUSE OF DEATH: TRAPPED INSIDE OF A VIDEO GAME (COULD STILL BE ALIVE?)

“This is a sex-positive Minecraft server.”

“Well, we can’t always love ourselves, Aniela.”

“Hi, welcome to Evil Costco, home of the ropisserie chicken. Can I take your order?”