THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
June 4, 2014
“I would literally write ‘creative genius’ except for two reasons: sometimes it takes too long to write that and sometimes I spell the word ‘genius’ wrong.” - Kanye West Volume XX Issue VII
UCSD’s premier human-trafficking-free newspaper.
UCSD Appoints New Vice Chancellor of Pointless Emails
IN THIS ISSUE C-SPAN’S HOUSE OF BOEHNER
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NEW, DENSER HOUSING
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SUPREME COURT EXPOSÉ
6, 7
G-SPOT EASIER TO FIND
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NFL DRAFT PROPOSAL
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NEWS IN BRIEF PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD
The supervisor’s flagrant ignorance of the UC smoke-free policy was more evidence that even the office didn’t read its own pointless emails. BY BRIAN SEIBERT
T
Staff Writer
he Office of the Chancellor announced Monday that Morgan B. Spamnus, Ph.D., will serve as the 48th Vice Chancellor of Pointless Emails in the Department of Applied Time-Wasting and An-
noyance beginning next fall. As Vice Chancellor of Pointless Emails, Dr. Spamnus will be in charge of keeping students informed against their will. Currently, students receive notifications of appointments in departments they have never heard of, events they have no interest in attending, and vague
police warnings, but Spamnus has big ideas for frustrating students with even more unsolicited, worthless data. “Right now, we let students know about the biggest mundane happenings around campus, but think of the untapped potential,” said Spamnus. “Foot traffic statistics, garbage
collection rates, mean bathroom-use times, and anything related to student government! We can mire students in so many facts they don’t want, they’ll call their parents just to ask what things used to cost ‘back in the day’!”
See EMAILS, page 2
U.S. Counter-Terror Forces in Nigeria Tied to New Fast-Retrieval Lines for Fast, Easy Exit from Conflict BY KYLE TRUJILLO
Assistant Design Editor fter 277 schoolgirls were kidnapped from their school in Chibok, Nigeria by the anti-Western, Muslim extremist group Boko Haram, the Obama administration sent “security personnel and assets” to Nigeria, including a specially equipped team of hostage negotiators and soldiers physically tied to cutting-edge “FastRetrieval Lines” (FRL) designed to allow a quick and easy exit from the conflict. This contribution, the latest from the president’s family in the international outcry for action to return the girls to their families, follows the failure of First Lady Michelle Obama’s plan to retrieve the victims with a Mother’s Day video announcement expressing “outrage” over the plight of the girls and suggesting helpful hashtags to counteract the movement. “All our hashtags and condemnations on Facebook and YouTube have failed,” said Mrs. Obama in her address. “The United States military has no choice but to intervene on behalf of the Nigerian people.” Some have expressed worry that the military will become mired in an open-ended conflict with Boko Haram, similar to the ongoing War on Terror in Pakistan and Afghanistan. To alleviate these worries, the president has ordered that each hostage negotiator, soldier, and unmanned drone will be attached to the Mayport na-
A
UCSD STUDENTS VOTE TO PAY MORE TO MAKE CAMPUS AS INACCESSIBLE AS EVER Following the recent transportation referendum, UC San Diego students have shown overwhelming enthusiasm for making the campus as inaccessible as ever for all students and faculty. An extra charge of over $40 per quarter will be applied to all student fees in an attempt to generate revenue for the Department of Transportation Services, which has not gained funding in recent years. Cindy Huang, a Revelle sophomore, expressed an excitement shared by the majority of her fellow students. “The shuttles and buses this year were frequently
unreliable and the shrinkage of their routes has made it harder and harder for students to get on and off campus. So I can tell you, I support this referendum to help change that,” Huang said. Upon informing Huang that the extra transportation fees would not expand bus or shuttle routes, just help to hopefully keep them from getting any worse, she commented, “What? That totally sucks. So I am paying more for the same shitty service and I am rooming with another person in a single room? I feel even more robbed than usual by the university.”
LOCAL NEWSPAPER EDITOR A SELF-CONGRATULATORY ASS
PHOTO BY SORA CHEE
The fast-retrieval lines were quickly put into use when Lieutenant John Smirthnire began humping the Nigerian president’s leg. val base in Jacksonville, Florida by a 5859-mile-long FRL. Commanding officers maintain that these sturdy ropes are a fail-safe method of ensuring that the nation’s forces can be recalled easily should the situation get “iffy, in a Geneva-Convention-y kind of way.” At the end of each rope, three soldiers with pretty good upper-body strength are standing by to pull the U.S. forces out of Nigeria at a moment’s notice. “We’re going to be in and out of there so fast, human rights groups won’t even have time to say ‘western-savior complex,’” the commander in chief said at a press conference on the following Monday. “Now, I know that these days, counter-terrorism is a touchy subject for the Ameri-
AGING AIR BUD FINALLY CAVES TO CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENTS Colorblind idiot couldn’t tell the mountains weren’t blue yet
can people,” the president continued. “Which is why I’m keeping our military aid on a literal short leash in this action. More of an, uh, ‘assassination of Salvador Allende’ than an ‘invasion of Vietnam.’ “Oops, oh, did I just say that about, uh, Allende out loud? That wasn’t, uh, on the record,” Obama added, for the record. When asked whether the U.S. troops would have any role in supporting antigovernment protesters calling for negotiations with the militant group responsible for the kidnapping, the president claimed that his office would find a way to serve the American interests of both the Nigerians who are demonstrating for their democracy and the Nigerian government.
At the press conference, Vice President Joe Biden assured citizens that the operation would “just take like, ten seconds,” while Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel presented a “strong deadline” of “August-ish” for the troops to be returned home. John Brennan, director of the Central Intelligence Agency, stood in the shadows and said nothing, but expressed his approval of the proceedings through vigorous nodding and occasional broad smiles that failed to reach his eyes. “The operation’s deadline will remain in place, unless we find clues about that Kony guy. He could be, uh, somewhere around the middle part of Africa,” Obama said. “#Kony2014! Or maybe 2015.”
PHOTOGRAPHER PHOTOGRAPHS PHOTOGRAPHER ON FIRE
Keeps in line with Nat Geo tradition of doing nothing
An area editor for a newspaper publication can’t seem to help being self-satisfied every time he notices a minor error in a local writer’s work. These writers otherwise present strong, consistent work, and yet this certain local editor — Steven — acts like he is so above everyone else in the office. Steven, according to close, personal sources, walks around this office like he’s irreplaceable. And yet, really, what does he do beyond working as a glorified spell check? Reports have thus far seemed to indicate nothing to justify his egomaniacal behavior. To this day, reports indicate Steven doesn’t know
that the whole office can’t stand him or that Andrew Edwards from the HR department is sleeping with his wife in Maine. And that his four-year-old daughter sometimes refers to Edwards as “Dad.” Reports indicate, additionally, that Steven should recognize that even if he is as important as he thinks he is to this newspaper — and sources strongly confirm that he is not — he perhaps shouldn’t get so high and mighty and should consider a bit of humility. Steven, after all, only works for a shitty local paper. A shitty local paper that this writer has just tendered his resignation to.
OBAMA LETS TERRORISTS WIN In an unsurprising turn of events, former radical madrasa student and President of the United States Barack Obama allowed the nation’s enemies to achieve victory, exchanging five Guantanamo Bay prisoners for Sergeant Bowe Berghdal, who was captured by Taliban forces in 2009, eight years into our holy war of righteous retribution against the Taliban. This second Benghazi, in which a number of Americans died, zero technically being a number, saw the president enter into negotiations organized by the Emir of Qatar that culminated in a complete betrayal of American values under the weak pretense of leaving “no soldier behind.”
Experts believe the move sets a bold precedent and may prompt terrorists to target American soldiers in their attacks on American soldiers. “This is definitely bad news for members of the armed forces deployed in hostile environments to carry out the dirty work of empire,” said Thomas Greggs, representative of think tank Wealthy Civilians for War. “Now, our enemies abroad will create new strategies based on the knowledge that every now and then, the government cares about its soldiers. “Bush would never send such a damning message.”
See BRIEFS, page 11