The MQ Volume 7 Issue 1

MQ

Volume VII Issue I

University of California, San Diego

By Elijah Zarlin Staff Writer This week, the buzz around campus has been about Warren second year Tim Danton, who kept himself busy “really not doing a whole lot” this summer.

“I pretty much just sat around a bunch,” the driven Poli. Sci. major said earlier this week in an over-the-phone interview from the living room couch of his East San Diego County home. “Ya know, I mostly just watched TV and played on my Playstation… yeah, that was what I did mostly.”

Though he’s not ruling anything out, Danton is quite set on his current career goals, vehemently stating that he has “no fucking clue” regarding his plans for the future. Clearly, he has devoted a great deal of time and energy toward maintaining that attitude and sighted Cheetos, Road Rules Marathons, Nacho Cheesy Doritos and Nacho Cheesier Doritos as the primary motivational factors of his actions these past 12 weeks.

While his parents hoped that he would gain employment this past summer, Danton was unable to job hunt, as he had previously committed himself to watching his “favorite infomercial– the one where that old guy talks real fast” on TV the day that everyone was hiring summer employees. Said Danton, “It was OK though, because the next day, I let my pet ferret fight

over 2 strips of leftover bacon with into place… I didn’t have to do the fat kid next door, and that was anything in order to not do anypretty cool.” thing. I guess I just didn’t do anyIn a recent MQ follow up in- thing, and it all worked out.” terview, conducted with Danton in While he downplays his sumh i s mer quite a bit, it still came as Brennan quite a H a l l surprise apartto most ment, the s t u student dents. was mod“I was est about shocked. h i s Really, achievej u s t ments, shocked saying that he they were didn’t “really no do anybig deal.” thing.

In fact, He was given the l i k e right cir‘yeah I c u m didn’t stances, d o Danton much’ claims and I most stuw a s d e n t s like, w o u l d shocked, have done y o u the same know?” as him. said stuphoto by Geoff Moss “See, my Warren sophomore Tim Danton poses during one of d e n t p a r e n t s the more exciting moments from his summer vacation. Heather are rich, w h o I’m apaasked thetic, and can sleep for sixteen that her last name not be used for hours. Plus, I don’t mind gaining fear that the proceeding quote 20 lbs, or having my hands and might make her look like a crotch turn real orange. So really dumbshit. Other student’s agree, a lot of things just set themselves “Heather’s definitely a dumbshit,”

September 21, 2000

said Danton’s longtime friend, Gordon Wong. “And yeah, Tim’s commitment to doing absolutely nothing is admirable and unlike him. It’s nice to see him finally apply himself– usually he just sits around and doesn’t do anything.”

Despite the seemingly relative ease of an academic setting compared to Danton’s grueling break, he candidly claims he’s “not really ready to be back,” at school, sighting that a longer break would have let him “relax” a little more after last year.

“I needed some more time to unwind…I mean, Sungod was exhausting and it really took a lot out of me. Plus the Quake 3 competition on my campus apartment’s network was really draining Spring Quarter…you know, academia is rough shit, man—way harder than it’s cracked up to be.”

Even so, it looks as if Danton may well continue to “just not do too much,” saying, “I really can’t see waking up much before noon, or staying up past, like, 10 p.m. Ya know, I don’t think I’ll do too much.” This author’s heart goes out to Danton and other’s like him, who enable UCSD to have such boisterous weekends. I just hope these noble altruists don’t overexert themselves from continued periods of “pretty much not doing anything.”

Professor to Teach Class on Masculinity

Freshmen Move In; Freshmen Drop Shit

Half-Illuminated Exit Sign a Major Safety Hazard

Tragedy Strikes at the Olympics as American Softball Player’s Arms Detach.

He’s Putting the STUD Back in Gender STUDies

By Colin Parent Content Editor

Falsified Quote

Troubling both colleagues and students alike, UCSD Critical Gender Studies Professor James Morgan is petitioning to teach a course in masculine studies. According to the petition, the course is tentatively set to focus around “male empowerment, masculine theory, and skills necessary for manliness.” Campus feminists have vowed a series of protests.

When reached for comment, Morgan was eager to discuss his upcoming project. He described his current involvement with the Gender Studies major as considerably different from his initial intentions.

“I joined the Women’s Studies Major to meet chicks,” said Morgan. “You know, even if most of them were kinda butch, I figured that statistically, I’d still be surrounded by lots of cute girls.”

When the Women’s Studies major was restructured and deceptively renamed “Critical Gender Studies,” Morgan found a new outlet for his ideas and interests, “I was like, ‘Whoa, now I don’t have to teach all that feminism crap. Bitchen.’” Morgan came to the decision that he should provide an outlet for men who want to discover more about what it continued: see MACHISMO, page 9

“Welcome to UCSD, where you’ll be popular, successful, and all your dead pets from childhood will be resurrected!”

-Chancellor Dynes photo by Geoff Moss

Critical Gender Studies professor James Morgan pontificates on the importance of using a regulation “Level 6” funnel and its relation to the overall quality of the beer bong.

EDITOR’S PAGE

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Satan 1, Pope 0 Pope John Paul II Ineffectual in Exorcism

September 21, 2000

Now Playing

By Geoff Moss Editor-in-Chief VATACAN CITY–In what was advertised as the fight of the century, the September 15 bout between Satan and Pope John Paul II turned out to be little more than a beating. Satan took the lead early and didn’t let go until the Cardinals rang the final bell.

The two had been trash-talking for a full month, with the Pope claiming that he “didn’t need holy water, just his holy fist of fury.” Satan was so bold that he chose an 11-year old girl, little Sophia Beccaio, as his host body.

In the opening minutes of the fight, the Pope went for the early score, using holy water and saying the Lord’s Prayer. Not to be outdone, little Sophia made inappropriate hand gestures and began speaking in tongues.

The back and forth sparring lasted a good twenty minutes. As the Pope prepared to begin the rites of exorcism, Satan made the move that won him the match. The unprepared Pope was forced to endure the vocal styling of Celine

I’ve seen my fair share of Popes–this guy is no Pius.

He’s not even a Linus.

Section

Page

Humor

1, 3, 8 Intended to make you laugh

4

Crackpipe Pope John Paul II stretches before his big match against Satan

Dion, as sung by little Sophia. Commentator Ricardo Pizzicagnolo explains, “Before this move, the two were dead even. Afterward, they were dead even. It’s this move that gave Satan the victory.”

While the Pope is down, he’s definitely not out. His Excellency is rebounding from the loss with a world tour to “spread the word.” He’s also not done with the devil. A spokeswoman for the Pope commented, “While this is a setback, we all know that in the end Satan will not be victorious.”

Promoter Don King has even gotten involved, and will be promoter for any future matches between the two. “Just you wait!” screams King, “Satan-John Paul II–Live from the MGM Grand will truly be the fight of the century!”

Though no date has been set, Pope John Paul II has been rumored to have said “If I see that pussbag Satan on the street, we’ll rumble. If not, I can wait until February.”

Off the wall

5

Supersquad Superhero antics

6, 7

Politics Poking fun at politicians

Arena

Fake answers to stupid questions

10

Sports Those things you play outside

SDSU News from that “other” school

Fun and Games Figure it out...

MQ Staff Editor-in-Chief – Geoff Moss Asst. Editor – Sean Powell Content Editor – Colin Parent Asst. Content Editor – Jasmine DeLung Design Editor – Liz Erwin Webmaster – Angela Cash Human Aquisitions – Nick Lieberknecht Legal Consultant – Skippy Pinipper Advisor – Patty Mahaffey SOLO Advisor – Randy Woodard

Staff Writers

The MQ Staff: We will again rise from the ashes

Michael Zank Bethany Thomas

Mark Bertuldo Angela Cash Justin Williams

James Meeker Jimmy Bennett

photo by Captain Ron

Design Team “The views expressed in this publication are solely those the MQ and our members. While the MQ is a registered student organization at the University of California, San Diego, the University neither supports nor endorses this publication or its contents. Additionally, the views expressed in this publication do not represent those of the University of California, the Regents, their officers, or employees. The members of the MQ as publishers of the MQ are entirely responsible for its content and they bear the full legal responsibility for any and all consequences arising from its publication.”

9

Mike Selvaggio Elijah Zarlin Brian Hoolihan

Team Dartmouth

Team DC

Megan Laver Elijah Zarlin Brian Hoolihan

Mike Selvaggio James Polk Chester Arthur

11 12

HUMOR

September 21, 2000

A Beginner’s Guide to UCSD activity budget, and with all of its Res. halls and communal areas centrally located, Muirons are often content to stay within their own comfortable community (read: hippie sanctuary).

By Colin Parent Content Editor There are a few things that new students ought to know about our fine campus. Some continuing students may not agree with some of the following observations, but they just don’t know how to laugh at themselves.

We’ll start off with the five colleges. The college system was created to give students the small college feel, while still providing all the choices and prestige of a large university. Of course, the unforeseen side effect of the college system is a fragmented and xenophobic student body that finds great difficulty in throwing a decent party. The only real thing that binds the colleges together is the childish distaste they have of one another.

Revelle College Revelle is the oldest and most established college on campus. Of course, its students are the most made fun of. And deservedly so.

Revelle has the most difficult general education requirements and therefore attracts a disproportionate number of students with an almost masochistic desire to work themselves stupid. The stereotypical Reveller spends Friday nights building video game calluses and studying for that OChem class that’s offered next quarter.

Muir College The second college built at UCSD, Muir has a distinct theme of “freedom with responsibility.”

With its flexible general education requirements, close proximity to the beach, and cozy central atmosphere, it’s no surprise that Muir is generally thought of as the laidback-hippie college. Muir is truly the most self-contained college, offering the most college-level student organizations, sports a hefty

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Marshall and Warren The funny thing about Warren and Marshall is that they’re so similar. I’m not talking about their both being named after Supreme Court Justices, I’m talking about their complete lack of personality!

There is no stereotypical MarshallWarren student, no jokes about them and no expectations when you meet one. They may tend toward the typical UCSD stereotypes, like an unusual fear of parties and an affinity for “research,” but no more so than the rest of the colleges. They’re probably up to something.

Eleanor Roosevelt College (ERC) ERC is the easiest college to get into, and therefore the least respected. The fact that ERC is the newest college and the only one to sport a female namesake could lead some to believe that such antiERC sentiment is the result of sexism and ageism. Those who believe this breathe through their mouths. Men who attend ERC brush aside any criticism by referring naysayers to ERC’s high female to male ratio.

UCSD is not defined by its college system alone. There are a number of groups on campus that have an impact on the whole university, and freshmen might want to know what the average student thinks about them before becoming one of them (since you will be judged by your affiliations – regardless of what your mother told you).

Ultimate Disc Team The Ultimate team is divided into two teams, the A and B. Last year, the A team was well known for their athletic skills, while their second tier B team was equally well known for their chemical tolerance.

The Ultimate team’s impressive reputation for alcohol consumption has led many to refer to them as UCSD’s largest fraternity. The best way to anger an “Airsquid” is to refer to their plastic throwing

thing as a “Frisbee.” The second best way is to have sex with their mother.

Skateboarders UCSD skateboarders are notorious for lacking skill. The typical UCSD student is fighting to lose the nerd-status they acquired in high school, and for one reason or another, many freshmen see skateboarding as a gateway to “coolness.” So many new students buy themselves a board, and put a great number of pedestrians at risk of personal harm. By spring quarter, most have either mastered the art or resigned themselves to more mundane methods of fitting in, like chemical abuse.

CalPirg These are UCSD’s eco-warriors. They show up once or twice a year and ask passerby’s to pledge money to their less-thanspecific causes. It’s rumored that Calpirg is really an organization of students who’ve blown their tuition at the TJ donkey show.

TJ Donkey Show Once though to be extinct, the donkey show is alive and well in San Diego’s sister city to the south. Considered by many college students to be the Holy Grail of excess, it is generally considered to be exploitative of both the crack whore and the donkey.

Greek Life On many a university campus, participation in Greek life, whether in a sorority or fraternity, is respected and widespread. UCSD is not one of those places. Fraternities and sororities are common targets of criticism. Those who decide to join the less than 10% of the student population engaged in Greek life, however, will not be alone in those difficult first months of college. Fellow brothers and sisters will share in such memorable activities as wearing clothes from Banana Republic, drinking cheep beer, and being pariahs.

I hope the above information proves useful. I suppose it’s a little too late to mention that I’ve only spent a year in college life, so I won’t bother. Good luck, and welcome to UCSD.

Skeletons in My Closet:

10. The 4 hitchhikers on the way to Reno.

9. I fixed Superbowl XXIX. 8. I used a Canadian penny at McDonald’s.

7. 16 pairs of Hammer Pants.

6. Rebroadcasted Major League Baseball without express written permission.

5. I overcharged children for crack at Chula Vista Junior High.

4. Toilet papered the girls’ cabin in 6th grade camp.

3. Took tag off every pillow and mattress I’ve ever owned.

2. I own 5 pairs of shoes in the same style and color.

1. I fucked your mom.

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Some Suggestions for the Freshmen (you’ll be glad you read this)

By Colin Parent Content Editor

How to deal with: “Those Strangers who sleep 10 feet from you at night” If you’re like most freshmen at UCSD, then you have at least one roommate. Typically, two things determine your relationship with your roommate: your sex, and your sex life.

Women: Women usually have one of two relationships with their roommates, love or hate. It’s not uncommon for new female roommates to decide that they’ve found their long lost sister, and to spend the first month at one another’s side. Aside from the lesbian comments, this isn’t such a bad thing, because it strengthens the bond roommates have before they have to deal with the most difficult thing women have to deal with: boys.

Women usually work some system out, by which the one without the boy sleeps in a friend’s room, or at least isn’t there when the deed(s) are done. Though some girls like to show off, and have their boy stay over to make noises under the sheets with them while you pretend you’re asleep. If this continues to be a problem, just pull your roommate’s boy aside and ask him if he knew his girlfriend sold her birth control pills for used heroin needles.

Men: Assuming you’re father isn’t a UC Regent, you’re rooming with another guy. This means that you’re not going to talk much with your roommate. Now, it’s early in the year, so you may chum around for a few weeks, but eventually, you’ll start to realize that your roommate serves only one function: to make girls you bring home feel uncomfortable. Girls are usually a little uncomfortable when they first meet a guy, and only the most precious of finds are willing to get down and dirty with a complete stranger watching.

The best way to deal with your male roommate is to develop some sort of chauvinistic signaling method. Basically, you have a code word to tell your roomy to get out while you and your girl get it on, or you leave a marker on the outside of your door, to subtly say “do not enter: groove on.” Blaring Barry White music can fulfill both functions.

The only real problem with this system is that if your roommate is not as successful with the fairer sex, he may not be so ready to comply.

Solution: get your roomy some play. If you’re an MQ reader, and so far, it looks like you are, you should have women to spare. If he’s kinda chunky, take him to the gym, and if he’s not interested, start wearing him down by referring to him as “chubs” in front of all your female friends. If all else fails, swipe his meal card.

If for some fault of your own my advice doesn’t help, there’s always Plan Omega. Plan Omega will definitely change your living situation, though, it may not be in the way you planned. [Editor’s Note: The MQ neither endorses, nor takes responsibility for, freshmen desperate enough to enact Plan Omega.] Plan Omega: While your roommate is engaged in some sort of “activities” with his or her significant other, timidly ask if you can join in.

“Parents” Dealing with parents can be rough. On one hand, they’re mean, unsympathetic, and old-fashioned. On the other hand, they pay your bills. So, unfortunately, you can’t just ignore them, but you don’t have to let them walk all over you. Instead, train them, you know, like dogs.

Step One: Don’t call them. They’re not used to you not “needing” them, and when they call to reassure themselves of their roles as caregivers, it’ll put them in a subservient “needy” position.

Step Two: Act really busy. Say your mom calls just to check up on you. Cut her short by saying you have to leave right away for a study session, or if your parents are a little smarter than that, claim you have a burrito to attend to. That makes your time more valuable than theirs, and they’ll be less likely to demand more from you.

Step Three: After waiting at least till second week, go to the supermarket and buy all of your mother’s favorite goodies. Box them up, and send them to her with a handwritten note reading: “For future reference, this is what a care package looks like.”

“Activities” UCSD is not a party school. That may be why you came here, but chances are, it isn’t. If you don’t want to spend Friday nights alone watching your roommate nail his date, then you ought to join a campus organization. But with so many to choose from, it’s best to get involved with something that’s not only fun, but looks good on a resume as well.

The MQ is an excellent example. Like most organizations, the MQ isn’t just a bunch of people getting together once a week to do a specific task, but we hold all sorts of social events so like minded people get to know one another. What sets the MQ apart from the rest is that its membership includes some of the funniest and most attractive people on campus, plus you can tell grandma that you’re spending your free time pursuing a career in journalism.

It’s best to start out early, before you get overwhelmed with homework and midterms, so come to our recruitment meeting on Wednesday, 7:30 p.m., at Halfdome Lounge (in Muir). And remember, the MQ is not just for Muirons.

CRACKPIPE

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September 21, 2000

Summer 2000 Movies: Can Wait for the Sequels!

By Sean Powell Assistant Editor

Wen Ho Lee Released in Plea Bargain Nuclear Physicist goes to Disneyland

By Geoff Moss Editor-in-Chief Last week, amid a furor of controversy, nuclear physicist Wen Ho Lee was released from prison.

Lee was detained in excess of nine months on suspicion of mishandling nuclear information deemed “top secret.” When asked what he would do with his first moments of freedom, the diminutive Lee exclaimed, “What do you think I’m going to do? I’m going to Disneyland!”

Lee made good on his claim and took a chartered flight to California earlier this week. Upon arriving at the “Magic Kingdom,” Lee was greeted by park officials and given a “special tour.” In exchange for such royal treatment, Lee opened the eyes of ride engineers to the possibility of using nuclear technology to make rides efficient and more fun. “Yeah, we figured there was a way to make the Teacups more interesting,” explains test engineer Mike Kraelt, “but Wen really opened our eyes. And wait ‘til we implement the changes he suggested for the Enchanted Tiki Room.”

The scientist was also treated to a dinner held by Disney CEO Michael Eisner at the Blue Bayou

Restaurant (located in the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction). While he appreciated the honor, Lee admitted that the food was “not as good as the food the Chinese gave me.”

Although he is currently a free man under a plea bargain, Wen Ho

photo by Geoff Moss

Wen Ho Lee enoying freedom and eyeing a “hottie” from afar.

Lee still faces prosecution for the charge of copying “top secret” files onto a non-secure computer.

Firestone Denies Responsibility Nashville, TN–During a Wednesday press conference, Bridgestone/ Firestone, the tire manufacturing giant which recently admitted that it produced defective products, changed its story and now firmly denies responsibility for any accidents involving its tires.

“We here at Firestone make quality products,” said Christine Karbowiak, Vice President of Public Affairs. “Our tires are free from defects, and our manufacturing techniques in no way contributed to any accidents, as our competitors would have you believe. Rather, our investigation shows that the damage caused to our tires was caused by El Niño.”

Using a series of pie charts and graphs, Karbowiak proceeded to show how the Pacific atmospheric anomaly maliciously and intentionally targeted Firestone tires. “It’s not enough that it raises the temperature and causes flooding, but now it’s directly targeting our precious vulcanized rubber.” She then stated that Firestone will use “every resource at [their] disposal” to see that El Niño is stopped.

El Niño declined to comment on the matter.

Art Student’s Friend “Just doesn’t get it” Downtown–Visual Arts major David Imler’s friend and roommate Kevin Ames “just doesn’t get it”, an upset Imler told the MQ in a phone interview.

“Kevin was looking through some of my books on modern art, and he turned to a page depicting Place 1, you know, that white-on-white masterpiece by Robert Ryman? When he saw it, he was, like, ‘What’s the big deal? There’s nothing there.’ Can you believe that? I just don’t see how anyone could fail to grasp the delicately subtle, yet immensely powerful metaphysical implications of the so-called ‘blank canvas,’ which uses the absence of paint to throw the angst of modern man in high relief against a backdrop of socio-economic insecurity. I guess some people just don’t have any appreciation for art.”

In response, Kevin replied, “Dude, it’s a white canvas. Get over it.”

Before agreeing to the plea bargain Lee faced 59 charges, ranging from treason and selling nuclear secrets, to indecent exposure and conspiracy to commit statutory rape. Per the terms of his release, Lee will face only the one charge.

President Clinton is not remaining silent in the wake of these events. In a statement issued through White House Press Secretary Joe Lockheart, the President expressed concern in Attorney General Janet Reno’s handling of the situation. “That oversized she-male needs to know her role. She owes Mr. Lee an apology for this embarrassment in the criminal justice system.” In a candid response, Reno pondered if this incident was more or less embarrassing than having one’s sex life deliberated on the floor of Congress. Clinton declined comment.

Whether or not he is issued an apology, Wen Ho Lee has enjoyed his few days of Disney freedom. “I have very much enjoyed riding Star Tours and Splash Mountain!” Lee explains, “but all of these animatronic animals would be much better if powered by nuclear power, or rather Chinese nuclear power.”

photo by Nick Lieberknecht

Critic Sean Powell appears weekly in the Chicago-Sun Times.

Surely there is no more wonderful an American summer pastime than sitting in a darkened theater, a chili powder-covered mango sucker in one hand, a cold clam juice in the other, taking in the cream of the crop of Hollywood offerings. Ah, the summer matinee!

This summer was the best, cinematically speaking, in a long time, and it has left this reviewer sad that it must come to an end. However, one ray of hope remains. The fine movies of this summer will rise again, as sequels! This reviewer simply cannot wait.

Take, for instance, summer blockbuster X-Men. The elegant plot and poetic dialogue gives so much hope for a sequel, perhaps even by Christmas (if we are lucky).

One can only hope that the rivalry between Wolverine and Cyclops gets more witty and sarcastic (as if that could even be possible), and the writers make good on their promise of an implied love affair between young Rogue and Wol-

verine himself. Alas, a match made in mutant heaven!

Then, there is also hope for Hollow Man 2: Even Hollower. As I’m sure many of my more discriminating readers will attest to, we can only hope Kevin Bacon can be secured for a daring sequel in which the title character is allowed to do more “experiments” and other invisible-man-based hijinks will be employed. I also sense a “hollow woman” in the cards to temper the hilarious plot with a tender, translucent love story. I sense the feelgood movie of next summer!

Finally, who can wait for The Replacements 2: Baseball or Bust? Moreover, who will be able to resist buying a ticket to the premier? With the Cary Grant of our age, Keanu Reeves, and his soulful yet masculine supporting cast getting their chance at baseball during its strike, this film will be a contender for the best picture Oscar for sure. This picture might even supplant Major League 2 as the finest baseball movie sequel ever made. Take me out to this ball game!

And finally, Michelle Pfeiffer’s distinguished career will continue as she will tackle another challenging role in What Lies Even Further Beneath. The sequel will undoubtedly pick up where its predecessor left off, giving the viewer chills with its gothic imagery and New England setting. Who will Pfeiffer’s new husband have slept with and killed this time? I certainly hope we won’t have to wait too long to find out!

All this reviewer can add is “Way to go, Hollywood!” Keep the moving pictures rolling and us entertained. And when the sequels of this summer’s masterpieces come out, I’ll be in the front row for sure!

September 21, 2000

SUPERSQUAD

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Praise for the MQ from Around the Galaxy I’ve really enjoyed the MQ since they stopped using pictures of Chewbacca in place of me. They’re not doing that now, are they?

God bless the MQ. I was so lonely before they came along.

Now look at me. I get to dress myself and get 15 minutes of “outside time” everyday.

Attorney General, Janet Reno

Adam West, Recovering TV Star

POLITICS

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George Bush Party Republican

Nickname

Texas Chainsaw George

Party Platform • • • •

Voodoo Economics Kill the elderly Home ownership, unless you’re a woman, minorty Schools without accountability

Target Voting Bloc Texas

Experience

He’s a daddy’s boy

Odds of Winning 4:1

Bottom Line

Bush is a candy ass.

Pat Buchanan

September 21, 2000

Teamsters Back Gore VP claims stong arms tactics not necessary yet Las Vegas, NV–Teamster’s president James P. Hoffa announced the unanimous decision of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters to support Vice President Al Gore in the November presidential elections. “We feel that Mr. Gore is the best candidate for the American working man,” Hoffa announced, “and we will do everything in our power to help him with the presidency.”

The Teamsters will be a significant asset of the Gore campaign, as they are expected to aid in fundraising efforts, organizing voters, and of course,

silencing the opposition through the use of intimidation and strong-arm tactics.

“We’ve got ourselves some big boys,” said Hoffa, “and when they put the pressure on someone, that someone better pay attention, if he knows what’s good for him.”

Vice President Gore is “pleased and honored” to have the support of the powerful Teamsters Union, but he feels that their offer to “make Bush disappear” is unnecessary at this point in time.

Bush Proposes Debate Format Bush to choose audience of seven-year-olds Washington D.C.–After weeks of evasion, presidential candidate George Bush has proposed a format for a series of debates with Vice President Al Gore. According to a spokesperson for the Bush campaign, George Bush would be willing to debate the vice president “only on terms that are fair to Mr. Bush.”

“First of all,” the spokesman stated, “because of the strong liberal bias in the media, particularly in television, radio, and newsprint, we feel that it would be unfair to the Bush campaign to allow the media to distort the message that he will give during the debate. For

this reason, we will agree to debates only if they are not televised, not aired on the radio, and not transcribed for print in any newspaper or magazine.”

“Furthermore, Mr. Bush is concerned that the vice president will attempt to pack the debates with an audience hostile to Mr. Bush’s message. We therefore demand that Mr. Bush be allowed to handpick the audience from a pool of seven year old children from Ecuador, to ensure that he is not subjected to unfair questions during the debates.”

“Finally, as Vice President Gore is very skilled at manipulating the

GORE IS A RAT

Party Renegade Reform

Nickname

Satan

Party Platform •

• •

Dissin’ the G’s when they’re kickin’ it with their homies Mandatory gun ownership Erect 25-foot wall along Mexican border

Target Voting Bloc Experience

David Duke and followers Speechwriter for Nixon

Odds of Winning 4:1

Bottom Line

Muammar Qaddafi will become president before Pat Buchannan does

public through deceptive speaking methods, we insist that he communicate at the debates solely through pantomime and animal noises. By doing this, we believe that Mr. Bush will have a fair opportunity in the upcoming debates.”

When advised of the Bush campaign’s requirements for a debate, Al Gore retorted, “I’m surprised they’ll settle for that little…

I would have expected them to prohibit me from speaking on any major issues as well.”

The Bush camp is “intrigued” by the vice president’s suggestion, and is “looking into it.”

BUSH ISN’T

POLITICS

September 21, 2000

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Al Gore

Political Parties

10. Clarence Thomas’s appointment bash 9. George W. Bush, 1972-1984 8. Bill Clinton’s pants (everyone’s invited!)

Party Democratic

7. Wiithin 30 feet of Ted Kennedy 6. Janet Reno’s Weenie Roast at Waco 5. Thursday nights with Marion Barry

Nickname

The Tennessee Tightass

Party Platform • • • •

4. Cheech and Chong’s nomination to the Green Party ticket 3. Chelsea Clinton’s 21st birthday at Stanford 2. 1968 Democratic Convention in Chicago 1. Sherman’s march to the sea

Royalties for using his “Internet” Free abortions for all Kill the Elderly Foreign aid to 3rd world countries with nukes

Target Voting Bloc

Join the MQ.

Hollywood and its followers

Experience

You don’t have to write.

Vice-President and he’s his kids’ dad.

Odds of Winning

2 : 1 if he’s silent 10 : 1 if he opens his mouth

You can just sit there.

Bottom Line

His daughter is hot!

Ralph Nader

MQ Recruitment Meeting Wednesday, September 27th, 7:30pm Everyone’s Welcome. Even a schmuck like you.

Party

ing

ir n k m e D a G

Green

for Russian Submariners

• Every time a comrade asphyxiates or drowns, take a shot.

• If you find yourself thinking, “At least I don’t have to go back to my fat cow of a wife,” take a shot.

• Hell, you’re Russian, take two shots.

• Every time the captain shoots a sailor to save oxygen for the

Nickname Party Platform • • • • •

Retrofit nation with seatbelts Less talk, more rock No running with scissors Child-proof lids for all Kill the Elderly

Target Voting Bloc

officers, take a shot.

• If you were responsible for the ship sinking, take a shot, and blame the accident on those damn drunken lushes who did the repairs back at the shipyard.

• Everytime some dumbass asks, “What’s longsky, hardsky, and full of sea-meansky?” take a shot.

• If you think, “Thank God I’m not in a Ford with Firestone tires,” finish the bottle.

Ralphie Boy

Experience Odds of Winning

Greatful Dead fans Consumer advocate 100,000 : 1

Bottom Line Don’t waste your vote; stay home, drink some beer, and watch Threes Company.

HUMOR

Page 8

September 21, 2000

Serbia invades Switzerland, Swiss remain neutral

By Nick Lieberknecht Recruitment Bern, Switzerland–A renegade regiment of Serbian President Slobodan Milosevic’s ethnic cleansing army has invaded the Swiss capital of Bern. The Swiss Army, despite the proliferation and successful marketing of their popular knife, was notably absent in defense, leaving the aggressors a leisurely and casualty free campaign into the crossroads of Europe. The troops overwhelmed the small mountain nation in less than 8 hours and have already begun their campaign of sipping warm hot chocolate, joining in chorus with Heidi, and searching for easily demarcated racial minorities to oppress, rob, and kill.

The Swiss, not wanting to upset any nation with any hasty action, called an international assembly. Diplomats gathered in the historical city of Geneva to address the invasion. An American Envoy, General Grant “Snakebiter” Coppin

III, was first to speak. “American Warplanes are circling the targets as we speak, just give me the F****** word and we will bomb them back to the Stone Age.” In increasing rage the General added, “The New World Order will not tolerate such aggression.”

Before General Coppin finished his bold statement, a Russian diplomat obstinately interjected, “A further increase of unilateral American force violates the spirit of international law…”

The escalating argument was

Remember Risk? You know, the “World Con-

quest Game?” You played it when you were younger.

On rainy days you would invite a few friends over for a little simulated warfare. Everyone would crowd around the dining room table and loudly convince whoever’s turn it was to refrain from attacking THEIR territories. It was fun invading and annihilating your friends until they stormed away in tears.

But didn’t it seem like something was missing?

Like there was some part of you that felt unsatisfied when the game was over?

Well, the Risk team here at Parker Brothers has given this issue a great deal of thought, and come to the following conclusion: what Risk was always missing was INTER-RELIGIOUS STRIFE. After all, it may be fun to wage war against other secular armies, but think how much more gratifying it would be to beat the living piss out of people who have different religious beliefs than yours!

We at Parker Brothers realize that much of the conflict in the world is generated by opposing religious ideologies, and that it is high time to integrate this conflict into our best-selling armed conflict game.

CHRISTIANITY: Although Christianity’s forces must spread themselves fairly thin during the game’s initial setup, this is generally one of the most powerful of the religions: players start with a large number of troops, and if played correctly (see Strategy Guide) can increase their numbers dramatically once the game has started. Although Christians can attack and defend normally, a number of additional maneuvers are also available to them. For instance, the Christian player can initiate EVANGELIST attacks to enemy territories adjacent to those occupied by his own troops. With a successful roll of the die, an EVANGELIST attack will result in the conversion of some of the enemy troops into Christian troops!

squelched when the Vatican representative reminded the assembly that, “Putting unilateral force and the New World Order aside, the

warplanes are indeed directly overhead. I move to delay the use of any military action until the closing of this diplomatic conference.”

The words sent the gathered assembly into both applause and relief. The motion was overwhelmingly received and the diplomats prepared to return to their respective countries. However, the vote was not unanimous.

A single representative, Switzerland itself, remained neutral. Following historical precedence and a noble stoic resolve, the country refused to take sides in the matter.

The only organized Swiss counterattack came two days later on Monday with the opening of the

Another special attack available to the Christian player is the MISSIONARY attack. This involves the forceful integration of Christian troops into an adjacent territory with the intent to disrupt normal operations, cause chaos, and spread non-indigenous diseases within the population. If this attack is successful, the enemy will not be able to move any troops from the target territory on his next turn, and may lose troops as well.

HINDUISM: The Hindu player has a limited area in which he may initially place his troops (India only), but this disadvantage is offset by the fact that his troops can REINCARNATE. After his turn is over, there is a chance that each army killed during the preceding gameplay will be reincarnated. Every army that is successfully reincarnated can be placed in any of the player’s territories. (An unsuccessful reincarnation would be, for instance, a pile of slugs. These armies are considered to be of no further tactical importance.)

JUDAISM: The Jewish player must overcome many obstacles and forms of discrimination. Here’s why: the Christian and Islamic players each receive a DOUBLE ARMY BONUS for completely destroying all Jewish armies. Also, the Jewish player only gets four army pieces to last throughout the game.

BUDDHISM: The Buddhist player receives a much larger number of armies, but is faced with another hindrance altogether: at no time are Buddhist armies allowed to attack any enemy armies. A special MEDITATION maneuver is available to this player, but it has no effects.

ISLAM: Far from not being allowed to attack, the Islamic player is required to attack at least four enemy territories per turn. If at least three of these are Christian-occupied territories, the Islamic player receives a JIHAD bonus of three armies at the end of his turn.

T

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banking centers in the capital city.

An industry-wide emergency meeting was convened, gathering influential CEOs who promptly voted to seize all Serbian assets.

“This will not stand,” declared Hans Heigel, President and CEO of J.A.S.B.T.M.I.F.I.S.N.G. (Note for those of you not born in Switzerland: Just Another Swiss Bank That Made Its Fortune In Stolen Nazi Gold) Swiss papers lauded the move and approval ratings of the government have never been higher.

Estimates on casualties vary, but they could exceed 9 million Swiss. When asked for comment a government official responded, “No big deal, an abominable loss of human life is nothing that we haven’t blatantly turned a blind eye to before. Look at it on the bright side, the economy has never been better, we enjoy a very high standard of living, and we have no enemies.”

10

Things about Fall Quarter:

10. The Freshman 15 is not a reality…yet

9. Most professors aren’t cussing out students.

8. You still think you’re getting your money’s worth.

7. Your roommate’s stench hasn’t gotten unbearable.

6. The bookstore service is at an all-year high.

5. People are still sitting next to you in lecture.

4. You still think UCSD might rule.

3. Our football team is undefeated.

2. Hygiene is still a priority for most people.

1. Finals aren’t until the end.

Looking for a good time?

Wednesday Night, 7:30, Half-Dome Lounge in Muir

ARENA

September 21, 2000

Page 9

ARENA Who are you voting for and why?

I’m voting for Bush for his sound economic policy, his stance on crime, and the fact that he’s going to do something about the aliens that keep abducting me.

Bush. Gore may have invented the Internet, but Bush invented malt liquor.

Bush. I’m not part of the upper tax bracket, but I sure would like to see them get richer.

Vote again? I just did that like last year!

Dick Beamer Warren Junior

Donk Nachez UCSD Tour Guide

Tyra McKinnen Muir Sophomore

Karl Pincus Transient

MACHISMO (continued from page 1) means to be a man. “Feminism has made men feel guilty for years and years. What men need is to regain a sense of pride, both in themselves, and their littler selves.”

The first part of a three-tier strategy of male education is what Morgan calls “male empowerment.” Morgan claims that men have been denied by society their unalienable rights to be men by forcing them to refrain from doing what is within their very nature. “Numerous scientific sources have proven that men are more gaseous than women, typically due to a higher burrito intake.

Therefore, men should not be chastised and shunned for breaking wind in public. It’s just part of being a man!” When asked if women should be allowed the same basic freedom, Morgan responded hesitantly, “Well, if she eats a lot of burritos, but c’mon, women farting? That’s pretty gross.”

Tier two is “Masculine Theory”, and as Professor Morgan explains it, “exploring what we think of as manly.” According to Morgan, manliness can be boiled down to one basic concept: Bruce Willis. “Bruce Willis is the apotheosis of masculine; not only can he kick some serious ass, but he can bag the broads.” Morgan plans to incorporate Bruce Willis into the curriculum with more than just lectures, “We’ll be watching the

Die Hard films, and time permitting, the 5th Element. We’ll be looking specifically at how to shoot a terrorist, and when it’s appropriate to remove your bloodstained T-shirt.”

The third goal of the class is to teach skills necessary for manliness. Morgan describes these skills as “things we can do to raise our ‘Manliness Quotient.’”

[Editor’s Note: The MQ is in no way affiliated with Professor Morgan’s terminology.] These basic skills will be taught with a “hands-on” approach, including several after-hours workshops.

“We’ll be discussing how to properly shower-proof a webcam, as well as the construction and maintenance of your basic beer bong.”

Morgan is currently in discussion with the UCSD Bookstore to begin selling empty 2-liter bottles and plastic tubing.

Campus feminists are decrying the class as not only chauvinistic and exploitative, but a waste of educational resources. Morgan responds to such criticism by stating, “Whoa, chill out Chiquitas.”

Not surprisingly, most of Morgan’s support comes from male students. Said I Phelta Thi fraternity brother Biff Johnson, “I think it’s about time men stopped being demoralized by feminism, and I think binge drinking and amateur pornography are the best ways to go about it.”

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10

Who’s running on Tha Dogg Pound ticket? If it’s my homie Snoop Dogg, float him my props.

Lester Johnston LBC

Gore. I’m hoping my vote will make his daughters notice me.

Jaime Trumbla Preuss School

Ways a Guy will try to get you “into his room” :

10. He wants to show you how he can play the guitar.

9. He wants to be your “friend.”

8. He wants to know if you wanna “have a little party.”

7. He wants to show you his frat pin.

6. He finds a way of repeatedly working it into the conversation that he has satin sheets.

5. He wants to show you pictures of his retarded sister.

4. He starts taking off your clothes.

3. He thinks big is beautiful.

2. He wants to take you out to dinner, take you to a play, and meet your parents.

1.“You’re much more mature than all the other girls.”

Visit us at our award-winning website: www.muirquarterly.com

SPORTS

Page 10

September 21, 2000

Symbols of the Olympic Spirit Mascots who didn’t make the cut

By Geoff Moss Editor-in-Chief Every four years, the people of the world bear witness to the athletic extravaganza known as the Olympic games. In addition to the exhilaration of victory and the agony of defeat, viewers of the Olympic games in Sydney will also contend with the event’s mascots: Millie the echidna, Olly the kookaburra, and Syd the platypus.

In past Olympic games, regional committees have come under fire for the choice of mascot. “Oh sure, we’ve had a couple of embarrassments,” recalls International Olympic Committee (IOC) chairman Juan Samaranch. “There was that awful Izzy character from Atlanta in ‘96, and who could forget about those filthy Canadians who made Elvis Presley the mascot of the 1976 Montreal Games?

What a damn nightmare.” Other questionable choices were the rat/dog/ bear creature from Barcelona in 1992 and gangster DJ Janky Crackrock (a.k.a. Sam the Eagle) from Los Angeles in 1984.

Eager to avoid such controversies, the organizers of the Sydney games searched all of Australia for mascots that could bring in a crowd without being an Mascot Finalist embarrassment.

Auditions were held, dreams were shattered, and a final round of seven was selected. Everyone knows the three that made the cut, but who are the four left behind?

Sam the Ovarian Cyst Sam began his mascot career at the age of 12. As an orphan growing up on the rough streets of Melbourne, he learned the trade of mascoting from his mentor Rick the Leech. Australia’s Olympic Committee decided against Sam

because he “focused on an aspect of women that men spend all their might forgetting about.” Australian ambassador to the US Michael Thawley continues, “These Olympic games, unlike games of years past, are about exploiting the sexuality of women. We can’t just have some guy dressed like an ovarian cyst running around; that’s such a turnoff.”

Paul Hogan Australia’s golden son, Paul Hogan, also made a bid to be the Olympic mascot. With such vast previous exposure and obvious marketability, Hogan seemed a shoe-in. Plans had even been made to market Hogan’s catchphrase from Crocodile Dundee in the “That’s not a knife, this is a

well as recent Subaru commercials, would have shed a negative light on these great Olympic games.”

John, the Paper Bag John Richards, of Perth, Australia, was the last mascot cut before the final choices were made.

This was John’s first attempt to become a mascot, and readily admitted that he was “in it for the booze, girls, and money.” However it wasn’t the lack of experience or motives that drove the committee off, it was his lack of marketability.

“Now I reckon we could have sold John, the paper bag paper bags,” explained McCullough, but who the bloody hell is going to wear a t-shirt or underwear with a paper bag on it?”

Caldwell the Vulture Finally, there was the Vulture.

Caldwell was doomed from the start, given his “bad attitude.”

Though he did seem to be the most prepared candidate before the selection committee, his message didn’t fly. “I had choreographed this wonderful number for the opening ceremonies,” Caldwell explains. “We’d fill Olympic Stadium with carrion, and allow trained vultures to pick out the eyeballs and the like.”

Says committeephoto by Geoff Moss person Shannon John the Paper Bag struts his stuff before the judges.

Donahue, “There’s no fucking way.

Nope. No way. I knife” knife set. He also impressed don’t even want to talk about it. the committee with such memo- The French tried this in 1924, and rable sayings as “G’day mate” and then World War II happened. I “Let’s put another shrimp on the don’t want to take the same barbie,” but in the end fell short chance.” on talent.

All in all, history will probably “He just wasn’t what we were look back on the Sydney Olympic looking for,” explains chairperson Games and not remember the masLibby McCullough. “We were im- cots. On the bright side, it’s probpressed with his work in Croco- ably better than being remembered dile Dundee, but we feel that the for the games featuring a cyst, a quality of subsequent sequel, as bag, and a lot of rotting flesh.

Steelers, Chargers Call it Quits After the Chargers were brutally defeated 42-10 by the Kansas City Chiefs and the Steelers were likewise executed 23-20 by the hapless Browns last Sunday, both teams miraculously decided to quit football forever.

“Screw this shit,” said Steelers coach Bill The Chargers: No longer will they suck.

Cowher in the postgame press conference.

We were just beaten by a team who won 1 game last year.” Cowher added, “Nuts to this. We’re goin’ fishing.”

Equally dejected, at the Kansas City press conference Chargers safety Rodney Harrison said, “We suck so much that our cheerleaders won’t even talk to us. The team bus driver doesn’t even wait for us before he leaves the stadium. We had to beg the Chiefs to drive us to the airport.”

Both teams have forfeited all their games for the remainder of the season. It is rumored that the teams will join each other for a Caribbean cruise, pretending to be tire salesmen at a “business conference” so that none of the cruise ship staff will make fun of their crappy 0-3 records.

Chargers’ Last Game Score Chargers Chiefs

1 10 0

Chargers Passing Comp Moreno 11 Leaf 6

2 0 14 Att. 22 13

3 0 14

4 0 14

Final 10 42

Yds. 107 62

TD 0 0

Int. 0 1

Chargers Rushing Moreno Bynum

Att. 4 4

Yds 20 17

Avg. 5.0 4.2

TD 0 0

Chargers Receiving Fletcher Jones

Rec. 7 4

Yds. 66 45

Avg. 9.4 11.2

TD 0 0

Steelers’ Last Game Score Steelers Browns

1 0 14

2 10 0

3 10 3

4 0 6

Final 20 23

Steelers Passing Comp Graham 14 Stewart 1

Att 28 1

Yds 193 9

TD 0 0

Int 0 0

Steelers Rushing Att Bettis 23

Yds 122

TD 1

Steelers Receiving Ward Shaw

Rec 5 3

Yds 85 66

TD 0 0

Going for the Gold

Sarah makes a run for Sydney

Fan Unimpressed by Williams

Florida tennis fan Stu Greenberg was “not impressed” by Venus Williams during her excellent U.S. Open run this past September.

“I thought she was good, don’t get me wrong,” said Greenberg.

“She just wasn’t that good. I mean, she double-faulted what, 7 or 8 times? I demand great tennis, and all she could give was tennis that was above-average. All in all, I was just not impressed.”

Williams could not be reached for comment as she was too busy counting her prize money.

Before leaving the U.S.T.A. National Tennis Center, the 5’6”, 220 lb Greenberg added that he could “definitely beat Venus if he would’ve gotten to play her before his knees went.”

A gold medal. For the athletes gathered in Sydney for the 2000 Summer Olympics, it is the ultimate accomplishment. The medal represents virtually endless training, grueling preparation to compete against the very best that the world has to offer. Only a select few will ever have the honor of wearing an Olympic medal; their competitors will return home empty handed, heads bowed in shame. The pressure to win is immense — athletes will represent not just themselves, but their entire nation. One contestant, however, seems to stand above it all.

Eight-year-old Sarah Wash, a two time Special Olympics champion who was diagnosed at birth with Down Syndrome, beams whenever Sydney is mentioned.

“I’m goin’ to ‘Stralia,” she proudly

proclaimed as she stooped to Velcro her pink Barbie running shoes. “I’m gonna run real fast.

Faster than all the other kids, even.”

Since mid-August, when little Sarah first learned about the Summer Olympic games, she has followed a rigorous training schedule and a strict diet to prepare herself for the big event. “I have to tell you, it’s been a bit of a pain,” said her mother. “She doesn’t want to eat anything but Wheaties, and she wants to run everywhere. I’m glad she’s getting the exercise, but it’s just not appropriate in church, or when we’re visiting Grandma at the home.”

Although she figures the competition will be stiff, Sarah is determined to do her best to bring home the gold. “Let me win,” she

said, reciting the Special Olympic Oath, “But if I cannot win, let me be brave in the attempt.” She then added, “And if I can’t do that, then please God, at least don’t let me trip in front of everybody and fall down and hit my head again.”

Will all of Sarah’s training pay off? “I’m afraid not,” said her mother. “I didn’t have the heart to tell her that she can’t really compete in the Olympics... she would just be devastated. Her father and I decided that it would be best just to take her out to my brother Phil’s house... he lives out in the country, and has a big grassy pasture out behind his house. Sarah can run around there all she wants, and she’ll never know it’s not Australia.”

Go for the Gold, Sarah. Go for the Gold.

September 21, 2000

SDSU

Page 11

SDSU Students Mistakenly Attend UCSD Thousands of SDSU Students miss first weeks of class as problem is sorted out

By Michael Zank Staff Writer

and tried to move into UCSD dorms.

“You’d have to be pretty dumb to make a mistake like that,” explained Res. Dean Pat Lewis, “but of course, we have to recognize that we’re dealing with SDSU students. We UCSD–UCSD’s administration has expressed concern about the large numbers of SDSU wouldn’t have these problems if we were dealing with, say, Donkey-Show girls.” students mistakenly turning up at the UCSD for the beginning of fall quarter. Confused “State” is located about 20 miles southeast of UCSD. The letters are even different: a about where they are supposed to be, SDSU students have ended up in the wrong place CNN/Gallop poll conducted shows that 86% of Californians are “reasonably sure” that ‘UCSD’ does not spell ‘SDSU’.”

SDSU first noticed that there was something wrong when about half of its enrolled students failed to attend classes starting in late August. “It was a little weird,” commented SDSU Housing Director Michael Hoctor, “Actually, it was really weird. Typically, we have this problem each year, but on a much smaller scale, only about ten percent or so, end up M.I.A. I don’t know why there was such a big number of students this year that went to UCSD.” The error was made not only by incoming SDSU freshmen. Second, third, sixth, and eighth-year students alike were a little bit confused about where they were supposed to be. When asked why he was at UCSD, SDSU fifthyear Chad Dooley answered, “What’s UCSD?” Even though most students were unintentionally at UCSD, at least three of them appear to have deliberately fled SDSU. When asked to comment, they screamed, “We want an education, damn it! You can’t send us back!

Oww– you’re breaking my arm!”

The presence of SDSU on campus has had a noticeable effect on UCSD students. Second-year Revelle student Lester Paul immediately knew something was wrong. “The girls, on average, are way too hot this year. They were nothing like this last year. I’m gonna be sad to see them go.” He added, “And I hear they put out.”

Residential Security Officers (RSOs) discovered other lost SDSU souls wandering around the campus in a state of confusion, apparently looking in vain for Fraternity Row. One RSO explained, “When we noticed college-age men and women trying to locate alcohol, we knew they weren’t from around here. UCSD students aren’t into that sort of thing.”

The SDSU students expressed different academic needs than advisors were prepared to address. Academic advisor Larry Garbisch commented, “It was really strange. A guy and a girl came in to the advising office. The guy tried to declare a major in basket-weaving with a minor in music appreciation and the girl wanted to declare physical therapy with an emphasis in oral sex.

I told them that we didn’t offer those programs. The girl started crying, ‘But that’s all I’m good at! What am I going to do now?’ She seemed really upset.”

It remains unclear how many SDSU students are still misplaced on the UCSD campus. Chancellor Dynes commented on fixing the problem, “When photo by Colin Parent they figure out that we don’t have a football team, they’ll know that they don’t belong here. Oh, and they won’t think the MQ is funny either.

Lost and bewildered, SDSU students futily search for their comfort kegs.

Dumbasses.”

SDSU Academic Nightmare 183 dumbfounded and 17 lobotomized after “killer” CHEM lecture press conference press conference, to which only the MQ, the SD Weekly Reader and that

By Elijah Zarlin Commie paper that they hand out in the Old Student Center were invited. “We frequently Staff Writer SDSU–With preliminary damages estimated at 937 Kazillion brain cells, last Friday’s have lectures that eclipse the mental capacity of our student body– for example, the time upper division CHEM 560A lecture, given by assistant Professor Phillip Klondike, looks a guest professor teaching a graduate math course tried to cover proper balancing of a check book—that was ugly. Granted nothing this deadly has ever happened here to be one of the most stupefying in all of before…but the administration has been preSDSU’s history. paring for it. I mean this isn’t Harvard, Professor Klondike’s 55 minute review it’s…uh…” Pausing for a moment then of, “protons, neutrons and those other counting on his fingers he continued, “san… things” left none of the fourth year chemisS!… dee-ay-go…D!… s-tay-t…S!…yu-neetry major’s minds free from the clutch of ver—U!” utter stultification. Those who were lucky Though officially deemed, “the fault of a enough to wade through the difficult matestudent body who can’t tell their ass from rial without total brain failure are, in many their elbow,” Professor Klondike is blaming cases, still suffering drastic aftereffects. himself for the whole thing. “It’s all my fault!”

Survivors’ guilt, insomnia and some debilihe wailed while handing in his letter of resigtating huge bong rips have been rampant nation to a smelly transient somewhere near throughout the Chemistry department. Said the Mexican border. Momentarily regaining one student “even though the lecture has his composure, he looked the terrified man been over since, like 18 or 19 keggers ago, I in the eye and added “I simply forgot with can’t close my eyes at night, for fear that whom I was dealing. I mean protons, moI’ll lose track of what the professor is sayrons and electrons? What was I thinking!?!” ing. Atomic Numbers? Molecular Weights? “¿De que yo estuve pensando?” the tranIt’s just all so confusing… Make it stop! sient shrieked, turning and running fearfully Please make it stop! I’ll sell you my lesssouthward. than-perfect condition liver!”

After extensive studies of this incident “This tragedy shall never be forgotten,” and others like it, a number of findings have stated SDSU president John White during been made. A strong correlation was found a press conference following the “brutal between “fun had at school” and “number slaughter.” After pausing a moment to weep of students suffering brain hemorrhages duruncontrollably into the arms of a large, uniing the ABC song.” Additionally, the varidentified dining services employee, White ables “breast size” and “liver damage” were added tearfully, “While we may not be able photo by Colin Parent found to be inversely proportionate to to give those students their minds back, we as a university must come to terms with our After a brutal CHEM lecture, SDSU students are whisked away to the hospital. We can only “knowledge of multiplication tables.”

In order to prevent such an academic ingrief and work so that something positive hope their doctors went to UCSD. cident for occurring again, experts suggest might come out of this tragedy—like a twelve a number of preventative measures for individuals to take into consideration. Topping the foot blueberry pancake, or a bigger keg. Go Aztecs!”

Though clearly disheartened by the situation, President White was not surprised. list are “the acquisition of common sense,” and “avoiding SDSU like the fucking plague.”

“Something of this magnitude had to happen sooner or later,” he said in a private, post-

FUN AND GAMES

Page 12

September 21, 2000

MQ Trading Cards Monty

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