The MQ Volume 7 Issue 2

MQ University of California, San Diego

Volume VII Issue II

Wednesday, October 25, 2000

Fire Breaks Out During Drill: 37 Dead

By James Meeker Staff Writer Tragedy struck at the University of California, San Diego on Thursday when a fire erupted during a scheduled “emergency preparedness drill”, killing 37 students who failed to evacuate their rooms. Firefighters say the blaze began in Frankfurter Hall in Warren College at approximately 7:20 a.m., just minutes after the start of the annual safety exercise. The fire spread quickly, and soon enveloped the Black Hall apartments as well.

According to reports, a group of sophomores had decided not to participate in the emergency drill, and remained in the buildings when the fire alarms sounded.

“The drill is so stupid,” said Warren sophomore Jake Walker, fire survivor who suffered third degree burns over 90 percent of his body.

“It’s like, they expect you to get up at 7:15 in the morning and go stand around outside while they figure out if everyone’s there?

Maybe when I was a freshman, and still took 8:00 a.m. classes.”

“So the fire alarm goes off,” the horribly scarred Walker continued, “and we were like, ‘Screw this, man,’ you know? So we’re sitting there, just chillin’ and I saw

English Lit major visits high tech job fair.

photo by Colin Parent and Nick Lieberknecht

Warren RA Cindy Orguillo orders burning students to, “Knock it off and get in line.”

smoke coming through the window. I was like, Guys, we better go down and see what’s goin’ on,’ but they were like, ‘No.’” The students, thinking that the smoke was part of the fire drill, elected to stay in the apartment.

Walker remained with the oth-

ers until the fire spread into their room. Walker then attempted to escape out of the window of the third-story apartment. “The others thought that it was all part of the drill,” said the badly burned Walker, “but I was like, ‘Man, I don’t think they use actual fires for

their fire drills,’ you know? They wanted to stay, but I was all, ‘I’m out of here,’ and I took off. When I left the others were all, ‘Ooh, I’m sooo scared, look at the big bad fire,’ and they were looking for

Derek Jeter’s ass named World Series MVP.

continued: see FLAMERS, page 8

Booty Call II: Kubrick’s Never-made Epic

By Sean Kane Staff Writer Last year’s death of Stanley Kubrick not only ended the life of one of the greatest film directors of all time, it also halted the sequel to one of the most influential films of the past decade, 1997’s Booty Call.

Recently discovered documents from the Kubrick estate indicate that the cinematic luminary

was currently in pre-production on a continuation of the Booty Call storyline. So mesmerized was the director by the scope and emotional impact of the original film, that he felt further exploration of the work’s major themes was essential. The themes Kubrick found most vital and universal include the eternal human struggle to get laid and the paralyzing fear of contracting a venereal disease from your girlfriend.

photo by MQ Intern

Kubrick’s epic vision of deeper, more meaningful booty.

Kubrick was notorious for controlling every pain-staking detail of his films with an iron-fist, and Booty Call Part II was to be no exception. The domineering director had already undergone extensive research on the subject of booty-calling. Not having gotten any himself since the Johnson administration (due, in part, to the fact that he was one creepy-looking guy), Kubrick relied heavily on secondary sources, such as the controversial Bill Bellamy vehicle How to Be a Player and Sir Mixa-Lot’s magnum opus “Baby Got Back” for further inspiration.

Wanting to make the continuation all his own, Kubrick planned numerous changes to the plot of the original. “The events that took place in the first Booty Call,” Kubrick wrote in a memo to studio big-wigs, “mainly involved Jamie Foxx and that runty fellow from ‘In Living Color’ trying to ‘get some.’ This sequel will reveal that those events were merely the harrowing delusions of a mental patient trapped in a sadistic postIndustrial asylum, like something out of Dante’s Inferno. The film will explore one man’s struggle with sanity as he attempts to explain the purpose of his hellish existence. And, keeping in vein with the original, there will be

ass...lots and lots of ass.”

It is quite possible that this film, had it ever been made, would have brought Kubrick even greater acclaim, maybe even topping his previous works. Commenting on an incomplete version of the screenplay, film critic Roger Ebert stated, “It’s very avantgarde, very existential. Kubrick was definitely taking the bootychasing genre to the next level with this one.” The director’s earlier films have always garnered much praise for their obscure depth, often appealing to those who “think outside the box.” For instance, Lolita finally provided a film that fans of statutory rape could all celebrate, 2001: A Space Odyssey became an instant classic among druggies, and A Clockwork Orange brought sociopaths and sick fucks everywhere closer together.

The fact that Stanley Kubrick was never allowed to bring his last cinematic dream to fruition will be seen as a major loss to movie buffs. As film critic Joel Siegel puts it, “Well, it couldn’t have be any worse than that piece of shit Eyes Wide Shut. ‘I mean, what the hell was that all about?” Those words probably ring true for many a Kubrick fan and booty lover the world over.

If these walls could talk, they would have nothing to say.

Falsified Quote

“Yeah, clay pigeons are fuckers. I say kill ’em all!”

-Dale Burner Jr. Associate Professor, Dept. of Flava

EDITOR’S PAGE

Page 2

Why Sine is Better Than Cosine, and Vice Versa

by Steverino Editor-in-Chief One of my roommates said something the other day. “Cosine is so much better than sine,” he said to me. “It would totally kick sine’s ass.” I dismissed this as rubbish, as I often do his ranting.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that he might be right. If cosine were better than sine, that might lead to some interesting revelations.

If cosine is better than sine, one might also find that other pairs have a better half. Peanut butter could clobber jelly, cookies might outrank milk, and Ebert might trump the deceased Siskel. Could this be true? Could that oaf Ebert really better Gene Siskel? If that be the case, is there any telling what that might imply?

If Gene Siskel were no better

It is unclear if the popular sine wave is as good as its buddy cosine.

And then I was like, ‘Dude,it is not cool stealing candy from babies.’

And he was like ‘whatever.’

than Roger Ebert, then any common perception of society or facet of history may be false. Perhaps there was no Renaissance, Milan isn’t the center of the fashion world, “Puff the Magic Dragon” is about a boy and his dragon, and weebles wobble but they do fall down. Hey, why not? Let’s not stop there! Keanu Reeves could be a fine actor, the San Diego Chargers may not suck at football, and the New York Yankees won’t win another World Series. Sure, now that society’s a lie and history’s a myth, who’s to say?

And if that’s the case, science is sure to follow. I’m sure the Pauli Exclusion Principle is folly, Schroedinger was just kidding, and we all know Gregor Mendel was a goddamn liar. Since mathematics really gives science meaning, I’m sure it is a load of shit as well. Gauss was a fraud, imaginary numbers don’t exist and sine is better than cosine.

I then realized that if cosine were better than sine, then sine would be better than cosine. At last, a logical fallacy! This obviously proved my roommate wrong. “Dude,” I explained, “sine is much better than cosine. QED.” “What? That doesn’t make any sense!” he replied.

“Well, maybe so, but they’re both better than cosecant.” At least we could agree on that.

Wednesday, October 25, 2000

Now Playing Section

Page

Humor

1, 3, 8

Intended to make you laugh

Crackpipe

4

Off the wall nonsense

Map & Coupons

6, 7

Free campus map and valuable coupons

5, 9

Politics We make jokes about issue we don’t understand

9

Arena Fake answers to stupid questions

Supersquad Flashback

10

A brief history of your fav. heroes

11

Supersquad Superhero action, etc.

12

Fun and Games Refrigerator magnets and a crossword puzzle

MQ Staff Editor-in-Chief – Geoff Moss Asst. Editor – Sean Powell Content Editor – Colin Parent Asst. Content Editor – Jasmine de Lung Design Editor – Liz Erwin Webmaster – Angela Cash Human Aquisitions – Nick Lieberknecht Legal Consultant – Skippy Pinipper Advisor – Patty Mahaffey SOLO Advisor – Randy Woodard

MQ Staff The MQ Juggernaut: We ponder Smurf sex.

photo by Mahaffey, PI

“The views expressed in this publication are solely those the MQ and our members. While the MQ is a registered student organization at the University of California, San Diego, the University neither supports nor endorses this publication or its contents. Additionally, the views expressed in this publication do not represent those of the University of California, the Regents, their officers, or employees. The members of the MQ as publishers of the MQ are entirely responsible for its content and they bear the full legal responsibility for any and all consequences arising from its publication.”

Justin Williams Hal Melom Michael Truex Jeffrey Trattner Michael Catinari Melissa Falcon Meg O’Neill Lindsay Boyd Sean Kane Ivan Wick Jessica Kruskamp

Evan McLaughlin Reid Barrett Ron Darbee Jacob Campos Lisa Keagy Katie Old Sharon Shapiro Tim Bucklin Erika Cheng Stephanie Cheng Justin Gardner

Team Dartmouth

Team DC

Megan Laver Elijah Zarlin Brian Hoolihan

Mike Selvaggio James Polk Chester Arthur

HUMOR

Wednesday, October 25, 2000

Page 3

Frat’s Victory Dreams Go Down the Crapper IPTs Lose Third Straight Championship to Orangutans

By Michael Catinari Staff Writer Of the many glories of Greek life on the UCSD campus, perhaps none is more reflective of its tradition of honor, standards, and values than the classic rivalry that has developed between the I Phelta Thi’s (IPTs) and the Crescent- Faced Orangutans of the San Diego Zoo. In what has become an annual competition, the IPTs again failed to gain the title as State Champion Fecal Hurlers on Saturday October 21 at the San Diego Zoo. Dating back to October 17, 1998, the heated contest is rooted in a scrap between frat leaders and the alpha male of the orangutans.

Fraternity founder Brett Hughes encountered the normally playful primates while supervising a trip to the zoo sponsored by IPT. In efforts to impress his fellow frat brothers, Hughes lobbed a halfeaten super-pretzel over the rope barrier and into the recessed living area of the orangutans. While shenanigans of this ilk might often come to an uneventful close, a rebellious monkey by the name of Bright Eyes had thoughts to the contrary. Bright Eyes retaliated by reaching for the nearest pile of half hardened feces and flinging it at Hughes. Still the leader of his enclosure, Bright Eyes said in a recent press conference, “We’d had enough of their crap, no pun in-

tended; I just felt I had to do something.”

What began as a chaotic conflict between two factions has since evolved into an organized sporting event. To the pleasure of hundreds of onlookers, the members of IPT now arrive at the zoo on the third Saturday of every October. Both man and ape begin the competition by lining up on opposite sides of the rope barrier separating the beasts from the orangutans. At the sound of the starter’s pistol, the two parties begin chucking and do not stop until only one side remains standing.

This year’s combat lived up to its name of Feces Fight III: Now It’s Personal. “I really hate those damn dirty apes. My mom lost an arm in an orangutan attack,” said freshman pledge Josh Huxley who threw for the IPTs. While at the competition’s outset the IPT’s came out slinging hard, they were quickly tired out by the near nonstop barrage of the orangutans.

The orangutans’ genetic predisposition to throw feces proved an invaluable asset that the I Pheltas simply lacked. Despite preparations by the IPTs to unravel the opposition’s game plan, which included both watching hundreds of hours of film and binge drinking, nothing could prepare them for the actual game day pressure. The frat also suffered heavy losses to the vicious arm of a young newcomer

to the orangutans, Teholipetachaka, which translates to “Stands With Fistful of Crap.”

Midway through the competition, the orangutans suffered a major slowing in offensive output as some team members began eating their ammunition. IPTs took the event as a rallying point. Frat brother Chance McFadden said, “Whether or not we won the competition, I am reassured by the fact that me and my brothers would never eat our own feces. Although there was that one hazing. Oh yeah, and the German exchange

student, Deiter; day and night, that boy has got more fertilizer in his mouth than Martha Stewart keeps in her garden.” After a near thirtyminute break, play resumed when the orangutans were apparently filled.

As the event wound down, victory for the orangutans seemed inevitable. With five primates hurling against only one remaining I Phelta, Landon Richers, it was only a matter of time until the great contest came to a close. At 4:34 p.m., after more than three and a half hours of intense

struggle, Richers fell to a thunderous blow to the head, ending the game and winning the orangutans their third consecutive title. Senior IPT brother Trevor Dansbury said, “I was really disgusted. We played like shit. And, well, those monkeys really had their shit together.

They really wiped us up. All we can do now is look forward to next year’s game.”

While this year’s competition was something of a blowout, the final score 12-7, both teams squat eagerly awaiting their next opportunity to prove their might.

Bush to Replace NSA with “Nifty Cheerios Decoder Ring”

By Jeff Trattner Staff Writer At a press conference yesterday, Governor George W. Bush unveiled his plan to replace the National Security Agency with a “really cool, super high-tech, Cheerio Decoder Ring.” Bush told the Director of National Security

and the agency’s 200 or so highest ranking employees that while they provided excellent service in the past, their methods have become outdated and are extraordinarily expensive.

While the Republican presidential nominee is reluctant to provide too many details for the sake of protecting national secu-

“The last meal of choice in the state of Texas.”

rity, he told reporters, “This incredible device, which I call the Cheerio Decoder Ring, can currently be bought for as little as $2.75 at virtually any supermarket. It will be confiscated from the General Mills Corporation so none of our enemies like China, Taiwan, or New Zealand can get their grubby little commie hands on one. We will pay the company the fair market value of roughly $400.00 for it; just a tiny fraction of the NSA’s current budget. My highly selective test panel of seven starving Ecuadorean children working 24 hours a day for two whole months has not been able to decrypt anything written in this cipher. That is enough evidence for me to believe it can’t be broken. I will call the new cipher Cheerio.”

The NSA is arguably the nations most secret spy organization. It is in charge of collecting signal intelligence (SIGINT) and information systems security (INFOSEC). Their thousands of listening posts pick up satellite, telephone, and radio communications from around the world, and their state-of-the-art computer systems can decode many encryption schemes.

INFOSEC involves the encryption of classified data, and access management to prevent the theft of secret government documents.

Lt. General Michael V. Hayden, Director of the photo by The Michael Zank NSA, explained, “The NSA is a vital component to the

United States intelligence community. This is by far the stupidest idea anyone has thought up in my lifetime. I mean, this is even more ridiculous than the CIA’s plan to make Castro’s moustache fall off.

I’m surprised that the son of the former Director of Central Intelligence is so misinformed on what we do. I feel I must remain politically objective, but to suggest that my agency could be replaced with a Cheerio Decoder Ring is simply moronic. I ask the Governor, can a decoder ring collect hundreds of thousands of pages of communications a year? Can it decrypt anything but so-called Cheerio? Of course not! And this leaves no doubt in my mind that George W. Bush is as stupid as people say. Again, I must state that this has nothing to do with his political views, but frankly, I doubted anyone could be such an imbecile. Sadly, the Governor has proven me wrong.”

Bush has been proposing ways to reduce the budget in order to provide a multi-trillion dollar tax cut. In this spirit, he outlined the merits of Cheerio and how it will save the taxpayer billions of dollars. “I will use it to protect all of the United States’ secrets. I have no second thoughts about replacing NSA with Cheerio and encoding everything from the Constitution to the Inebriation Proclamation, or whatever it’s called, in this cipher. Cheerio is unbreakable. I can’t break it. Neither can Laura, Poppy, Jeb, Mom, or the Ecuadorian kids either. It is completely secure. And this is just one of my many plans to return the people’s money to the people, instead of big, useless bureaucracies like the

NSA, the FDA or Congress!”

Bush refused to explain how virtually every NSA employee at the meeting, including three caterers, were able to decrypt a twoparagraph code sample passed out at the beginning of the meeting.

One employee explained, “Cheerio is a simple mono-alphabetic substitution cipher and not a very good one at that! I think just about everyone here figured it out.

A is replaced with C, B with D and so on. Only a moron can’t figure that out.”

Bush did tell reporters, “I understand that they are upset. First of all, they are liberal bureaucrats, and you know how they are. But I guess that if governors, cheap Ecuadorian laborers or beer-bongs were replaced by decoder things, I’d be upset too. I’d probably go out and get drunk or snort NyQuil or something. I mean I’d be out of a job. Fortunately, there is no decoder thingy to replace me, so I’m happy. Anyway, those NS...um...CBS what-you-ma-callit...guys should stop being so negative and find other jobs.

When I was fired as head of that oil company for smoking crack near highly flammable, explosive material, I didn’t pout and whine and say that the company’s stockholders were incompetent. No. First I found Jesus, then I stopped being a crack aficionado, and finally, I became Governor of Texas. That is what I mean by the Responsibility Era. If you are a burden on the system, like the NSA currently is or I used to be, you do something useful, or at least less destructive. But, as I said, they are communist liberals, and that mentality will probably prevent them from doing the right thing.”

Page 4

CRACKPIPE

Wednesday, October 25, 2000

Justin Cuts The Strings, Leaves *NSYNC Hanging Lindsay Boyd Staff Writer SEATTLE - Bowls of potato chips and pretzels fill snack tables back stage at a local venue.

F r e s h l y stitched gold satin jumpsuits hang in their garment bags.

However, tonight the BDazzlers will remain silent because Justin Timberlake has said “Bye Bye Bye” to the pop super group *NSYNC. The decision came down this morning after a meeting between the band members and their management. A statement issued at a press conference following the meeting by the bands publicist blames “creative differences inside the band.” However, the lack of creativity within the band leads many to believe otherwise. Tour insiders are convinced that Timberlake’s romance with Britney Spears is the real cause of the band’s split.

“Britney and the rest of the band never got along,” says one industry insider. “[*NSYNC] felt like she was undermining the creative bond within the band. The other guys would jokingly compare her to Yoko Ono, and well, that would just make Justin [Timberlake] even angrier. I think the tension has been obvious for a while now.”

A representative for Timberlake assured that he will not be out of the music business for long. “He has been developing a solo project for a long time and now he will finally be able to really concentrate on his own music.” Timberlake’s solo project is rumored to be a long narrative poem loosely based on the movie Last Action Hero, set to music, on which Spears is slated to play bongos and tambourine.

Meanwhile *NSYNC must now decide how to fill the space left by Timberlake. A clearly irate JC Chasez (of *NSYNC) was heard shouting profanities directed at Spears as he left the Staples Center earlier today. Tiffany Thompson, age 17 and a devout *NSYNC fan adds, “Britney is such a slut. When Prince William dumps her she just moves right in and, like, steals Justin from us! I don’t even like her music. Never has anyone been able to capitalize on such a lack of talent.” Perhaps comparisons to Yoko Ono are not so far-fetched.

Mark Hamill Dead at 49 Washed-up actor wanted to ‘become one with the Force’

By Ron Darbee Staff Writer

I’m Glad They Didn’t Take Out the Vomiting Scene Sean Powell Assistant Editor Just the other day I treated myself to a showing of the newly-released version of The Exorcist at my favorite theater. I sat in my comfortable seat, drank my green tea with ginseng, ate my squid-ink pasta salad and pondered the movie event that was going to unfold before my eyes.

Just think, The Exorcist, here on photo by Nick Lieberknecht the big screen! No longer was I desCritic Sean Powell appears weekly in the tined to pine away at night that I was Chicago-Sun Times. born too late, no more frustration with the limits of home-video rental, no more toggling on the top-secret time machine in my backyard after dark. At last, I could witness the greatest horror movie of all time.

But as the movie began to roll, and the chilling soundtrack to the cold New England setting began to make the hairs on my neck stand up, I began to worry. What if they edited out the scene where Regan projectile vomits?

Those fat cats in Hollywood wouldn’t do that, would they?

The movie continued, a seemingly endless procession before the moment of truth. The scene where the mother tucks the girl in. The scene where the priest is called. All delivered with perfect acting, wonderful timing, all truly a joy to watch, but my mind was racing with the possibilities.

Why would they take out a scene with such mastery? Is it an offense?

Politically incorrect? An insult to those who cannot help but vomit projectile-y?

I began to run through other examples of movies that have been rereleased. Normally, I am in favor of the concept. I mean, it doesn’t take a retard to see that the added scenes in Star Wars 4: A New Hope really cleared up a lot of the mysterious relationship between Han Solo and Jabba (and boy, am I relieved that’s cleared up). But in theory, a re-released movie could be missing scenes, even ones as vital as (using the Star Wars example) the tape-worm-in-the-trash-compactor scene.

As should be no surprise to all my loyal readers who saw the movie, my worries were dashed in the blink of an eye and in a pool of pea-soup-green bile. And when it was over, I fell back in my seat and was finally able to relax. Surely those producer types realized, albeit at the last minute, that the American movie-going audience, while seemingly complex, is quite simple. We demand what we can’t get in our normal lives: sex, violence, violent sex, sexy violence, and little girls possessed by demons projectile vomiting.

Now call me crazy, but I just think that (as in the case of toilet seat covers in public restrooms) we aren’t demanding too much.

Early Tuesday morning, actor Mark Hamill, of Star Wars fame, committed suicide. He hanged himself in his Oakland home, leaving his family shocked and up to their ears in debt.

His wife, Mari Lou, was aghast. “I don’t understand. I thought he had given up all that nonsense about becoming one with the Force.” She explained that Hamill, apparently unable to cope with the life of an average person after the fame of Star Wars, would often relapse into thinking that he was a Jedi Knight. “The creditors would come pounding on the door, and he would just wave his hand and say, ‘This isn’t the house you’re looking for. Carry on.’ But it didn’t work, and they would just keep coming. It was terrible.”

When reached for comment, Star Wars director George Lucas said, “I’m just glad he won’t be showing up at my door looking for handouts anymore. He could barely act 20 years ago, but with the heroin habit he’d developed since then, his acting was about on par with William Shatner. Now I can finally forget about him, just like the rest of America did 17 years ago.”

Since Star Wars, Hamill performed voices for various cartoons, had occasional bit parts on television shows, and starred in several ‘Made for Sci-Fi Channel’ films. Unlike many other burned out actors of his generation, he was unable to get into pornography, due to impotence.

In a note left on his desk, Hamill wrote that death would “fill him with the Force,” which would “make him more powerful than you could possibly imagine.” “Whatever that means,” said his wife, Mari Lou. “Back in August, when Alec Guiness died, he stayed up a whole week, crying, screaming, and shooting heroin. He kept saying stuff like that then, too.”

He will be remembered by his wife, his three children, his dealer, and dozens of ignorant fans.

photo by James Meeker and Sean Powell

Most newspapers don’t run photos of dead bodies. But, then again, we’re not most newspapers. In fact, we upped his dosage and cut him down just for the photo.

Wednesday, October 25, 2000

POLITICS

Page 5

Ralph Nader to Vote for George W. Bush Candidate Doesn’t Want to “Throw Vote Away”

By Evan McLaughlin and Reid Barrett Staff Writers WASHINGTON, D.C. Oct. 20 - After a brief speech on the effects of deforestation, presidential hopeful Ralph Nader, head of the Green Party, announced that he will be putting his full support behind Republican candidate Governor George W. Bush.

When questioned about the sudden shift of support Nader responded, “I don’t want to waste my vote on a third party candidate who has no hope of winning”.

Nader then added, “Sure, I had some great ideas, but urban runoff…come on…how the hell are we gonna stop that? Honestly, I’d be throwing my vote away, and you know how I feel about unnecessary waste.” At this point, the three reporters in attendance (the largest crowd yet of the Nader campaign) began to cause a commotion in the press room.

Robert Robertson, of the Sandusky Bugle, was able to shout out a question to Nader above the din about why the candidate was

planning to vote for the more conservative Bush instead of Vice President Al Gore, whose stance on issues more closely resembles those of Nader. He responded, “I’ve had enough of that pussy Gore. He’s always been soft on the issues and America right now needs someone with some backbone.” With his characteristic simplicity, he went on to say, “a vote for me has always been a vote for Bush, so I thought I’d just cut out the middle man.”

George W. Bush was unavailable for comment as he was busy personally executing a mentally retarded inmate at Fort Worth State Penitentiary.

Vice President Al Gore was busy campaigning at Rod’s Greasy Spoon Diner and Bait Store in his home state of Tennessee when he received the news about Nader’s endorsement.

Gore’s reaction came as a surprise to many when he fled to the unisex restroom to consult his magic 8ball, a trusted political advisor.

Gore returned some moments later with what critics called a childish attack on Nader’s “failure to in-

photo by Hal Melom

Nader is seen here publicly supporting Bush; public confused.

vent the Internet.” Gore promptly finished his pig’s feet salad and Dr. Pepper and stared down a 6 year-old patron of the establishment until she began to cry, at which point the Vice President proclaimed “Can you dig it, fool?

Detroit what?”

CNN/Gallup polls show that Bush’s figures soared from 44 to 45 percent as a direct result of Nader’s recommendation. The support could not have come at a

better time for the Bush campaign, which is trying to recover desperately after last week’s mishap in which the Governor traded the State of Texas to the nation of Mexico for “magic beans.”

The announcement came as a shock to Nader supporters.

Stardust Mazakowski, professor of botanical studies at Humboldt State University and a fervent Green Party advocate, showed signs of disappointment when re-

MQ Editor Unable to Make Fun of Titans

By Colin Parent Content Editor While scrambling to generate filler for an upcoming MQ issue, Content Editor Colin Parent was unable to write a satire of Aaron Spelling’s latest television series, Titans.

“I was sure we could find something funny about Titans,” said Parent at a recent press conference. “I mean, it’s Aaron Spelling. He’s like a godsend to satirists everywhere. What’s funnier than a father who gets his daughter to parade around in a haltertop and hot pants on national television? Nothing. Nothing!” Parent remained visibly agitated throughout the briefing.

The trouble began for the MQ while the staff was brainstorming potential articles. “We were just running over some topics in the news for things we could make fun of,” said MQ Design Editor Liz Erwin. “[Parent] said we should do something about Spelling’s Titans, and we were like, ‘Sure, Spelling’s as easy a target as they come.’”

This sentiment was shared by most of those working on the MQ staff. “All of us thought the Spelling idea was good, but we really weren’t sure what angle to take,” claimed James Meeker, an MQ staff writer. “We just figured Colin would come up with something.”

“I just couldn’t come up with anything,” Parent said in his defense. “Spelling usually gives us all sorts of ammunition, like 30year-olds playing high school students, or my personal favorite, a horse-faced daughter.” Parent

ceiving news about her desired candidates decision to vote for Bush. “I don’t understand how Mr. Nader is going to win the election if he isn’t even going to vote for himself. Who is going to help pioneer the electric car? Or look out for the White Owl?” When asked for a comment on its opinion of Ralph Nader, the White Owl simply responded, “Who?”

Top 15 Things to do with a Nun on a Date

15. Memorize Scripture 14. Pie Eating 13. Windowshop 12. Frogger 11. Bare-Kuckle Boxing 10. Scrimshaw 9. Clothe the Lepers 8. Shuffleboard 7. Urban Warfare 6. Gardening 5. Lawn Bowling 4. Burn a Protesphoto by Sean Powell

MQ Content Editor Colin Parent, lamenting over his lack of creativity.

claimed that neither he nor the MQ writing staff could come up with anything making fun of Titans because no one on staff bothered to watch the show. According to Parent, MQ writers don’t watch much bad television, “And we’re sure as hell not going to ‘research’ it.

What do you think we are, journalists?’”

When reached for comment,

Titans creator Aaron Spelling expressed his disappointment. “Do I have to spell it out for them?”

Spelling complained. “They really shouldn’t have had any trouble making fun of this one. My skankass daughter may not be in it, but c’mon people, I got Yasmine Bleeth pretending she’s an actress.”

Critics claim this failure as a

sign that the MQ has lost its edge.

Said Marshall Junior, Michael Worehurst, “The MQ of years past would never have let Titans go by without a thorough reaming. I guess this is the beginning of the end for those pansies.”

Insiders at the MQ suggest that Worehurst is a pedophile.

tant 3. Russian Roulette 2. Pee 1. Heavy Petting

More Fun Than a Cerebral Hemorrhage. See For Yourself.

Wednesdays at 7:30 in Half Dome Lounge.

Frequent Drinkers Club 1 2 3 4 5 6 7th write up is free!

FREE TEXTBOOKS

Free Maggot Chutney Redeem at the Ché Cafe (while supplies last, run quickly)

50% Off Sociology Degree with Purchase of Degree of Equal or Lesser Value.

FREE HOLY GRAIL! WHILE SUPPLIES LAST! Redeem at Campus Crusade for Christ

50% Off Day-Old Smoothie at Jamba Juice.

All Flavors!

You May Deface One Piece of the Stuart Art Collection www.muirquarterly.com

We Kick Ass.

WEEK EXTENSION ON A MIDTERM!

Beat to Death Any ONE Skateboarder.

Does not release holder from legal prosecution.

Free STD Redeem at nearest Marine Base

Free Dental Dam Redeem at Nearest F-Street Dumpster

5 second headstart in Chancellor’s 5K!

Wednesdays at 7:30 in Half-Dome Lounge Come Play With Us...We Won’t Bite.

Mail-in Rebate $1.23 off tuition

FREE SALVATION with purchase of 5 indulgences

Free Razor Scooter Lessons -Alienate Your Friends -Annoy Strangers!

-Mutilate Small Children!

Free Matching Bra and Panties!!!

Wednesdays at 7:30 in Half Dome Lounge

Available at the nearest laundromat.

One-Time Free Lube Job, available at UCSD Bike Shop

Front of the line pass at Wendy’s

I Really Want to Meet You. Really.

HUMOR

Page 8

Wednesday, October 25, 2000

Oceanview Terrace to Become Planet Hollywood New Restaurant to Pull Chain Out of Chapter 11

By The Michael Zank Staff Writer The Marshall College administration announced Monday the details for the renovation plans to their dining hall, Oceanview Terrace. In a deal made with the previous owners of the now-bankrupt theme restaurant chain Planet Hollywood, the UC Regents have approved a plan to remake the old OVT into a Planet Hollywood.

“Planet Hollywood went bankrupt because no one wanted to eat there,” said restaurant industry analyst John McLane about the chain’s failure. “Actually, that’s not entirely true. People didn’t mind eating there, except the food just wasn’t worth the eighty bucks they paid for it. I think if the prices were more in line with, say, Denny’s, there wouldn’t have been a problem. It was the combination of Denny’s quality and Ferrari prices that put Planet Hollywood out of business.”

Now a partnership between UCSD and Planet Hollywood has resurrected the restaurant chain.

UCSD spokesperson Jeff Jones explained, “We needed an idea to make people excited about UCSD. What better way than to include all of the excitement and glamour of Hollywood into a dining hall?”

The spokesperson also addressed dissent from Roosevelt students, who were complaining that they still don’t have a cafeteria on their campus by claiming, “We’re not even sure that ERC exists.” When it was pointed out that

T

P O

10

ERC now has its own dining hall, Jones denied such rumors as “impossible for someplace that probably doesn’t even exist.”

Said Jones, “I ate at Planet Hollywood once. It reminded me of the Plaza Café at Revelle, so it made sense that their food would be the perfect fit for what UCSD students are accustomed to.”

Several students voiced opinions about the plan. “I don’t care what they call it. ‘Oceanview?’

Hell, I can see more ocean from my dorm window than you can at that place,” commented Muir freshman Gerry Schwartzmeyer.

“The food can’t be any worse than Canyon Vista,” said Warren sophomore Nina Mitchell. “I’ll go if they have nude pictures of Tom Cruise on the walls.”

“The food will be more of the same thing, except maybe with a replica of Robert DeNiro’s mole and one of those guns from Terminator 2,” figured Revelle firstyear Jack Dalton.

Since OVT’s closing at the beginning of fall quarter, Marshall students have been forced to visit other dining commons. Marshall assistant Res. Dean John Connors explained, “The students get hungry and they have no place to go.

They are forced to walk all the way across campus to eat their meals. This leads to all sorts of undesirable effects, such as crosscollege socializing, lack of xenophobia, and a sense of community at UCSD. We just felt a responsibility to maintain the tradition of factionalism here on campus.”

photo by Liz Erwin

New look, same old crap.

FLAMERS (continued from page 1)

Top Ten Lines from Smurf Porn:

10. Fa-La-La-Latio 9. “I’m going to screw the blue out of your balls.”

8. “Gargamel, you have the greatest pussy ever...Azriel.”

7. “Smurf me in my Smurf-hole you big Smurf!”

6. “Papa Smurf, who do you want me to fuck now?”

5. “Put my Smurfberries in your mouth. NOW.” 4. “I’ve never taken on TWO Smurfs before.”

3. “Cum to Papa Smurf.”

2. “Hey Vanity Smurf, Smurfette is out of town…that just leaves us two Smurfs.”

1. “I’M SMURFING…I’M SMURFING…I’M SMURFING!!!”

marshmallows and shit to roast on the flames.”

“I guess I left a little too late,” said the grotesquely charred Walker, ‘“cause I got burned pretty badly before I made it out.

I was like, staggering through the crowd, like on fire, and they just thought it was part of the drill, like fire awareness or something. I’m just glad the fire department eventually came and put me out, ‘cause those guys down on the field sure weren’t going to.”

The sentiments of Walker and his friends toward the emergency drill were shared by a large number of Warren sophomores, who elected to remain in their rooms during the procedure. Authorities report that 37 students were killed in the inferno, while another 43 were severely injured.

Firefighters attribute the severity of the fire to inadequate responses from the UCSD staff in charge of the drill. “When we arrived at the scene, we were faced with a bizarre situation,” said La Jolla firefighter Greg Jacobs. “Nobody seemed to be reacting to the actual fire. There were people running around burning to death, and nobody was doing anything to help. In fact, the RAs who were

monitoring the drill were shouting at them through their megaphones, telling them to get in line with everyone else. They just didn’t handle the situation well at all.”

“Of course I didn’t handle the situation well,” responded Revelle RA Cindy Orguillo. “They didn’t tell me that there would be a real fire going on during the scheduled fire drill. The school just told me to go down on the lawn and have the residents get into lines, so that’s what I did. It’s not like they trained me to handle a real emergency or anything.”

UCSD Chancellor Robert Dynes expressed his condolences to the families of the victims. “It is always a tragedy when we lose such bright young men and women, especially during an event designed to promote safety,” Dynes said, “and we here at UCSD truly mourn their passing.

On the bright side, however, this opens up 37 more rooms that will greatly assist in the alleviation of the housing crunch here on campus. We’ll be able to begin moving in new students once we repaint the walls and fumigate the rooms to get rid of the smell of burned flesh.”

Come play with us.

Join the MQ. Wednesdays, 7:30pm, Half Dome Lounge, Muir College New staff members always welcome.

Wednesday, October 25, 2000

ARENA

Page 9

ARENA Who are you voting for and why?

I’m voting for Bush because of his sound economic policy, his stance on crime, and the fact that he’s going to do something about the aliens that keep abducting me.

Bush. Gore may have invented the Internet, but Bush invented malt liquor.

Bush. I’m not part of the upper tax bracket, but I sure would like to see them get richer.

Vote again? I just did that like last year!

Karl Pincus Transient

Dick Beamer Warren Junior

Donk Nachez UCSD Tour Guide

Tyra McKinnen Muir Sophomore

Who’s running on Tha Dogg Pound ticket? If it’s my homie Snoop Dogg, float him my props.

Lester Johnston LBC

Arafat and Barak strike peace agreement Leaders find common ground with coffee, hatred of French

By Jeff Trattner Staff Writer

three hours. [Arafat] had just called me an infidel swine and then threatened to shoot me in the head if I didn’t stop whining like a little schoolgirl. I said, ‘I don’t whine like a girl.’ Then this obnoxious waiter came PARIS - Yesterday morning, Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat and over to take our orders for dessert. I said, ‘I just want a cup of French Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak announced that they have come to vanilla coffee.’ And then Arafat was like, ‘I love French vanilla cofan agreement for lasting peace in the Middle East. The two leaders fee.’ That was basically how it began. It turns out that his intense need made the decision after they met in Paris, France, without President to murder my people, and my intense need to whine about it, prevented Clinton, to try another round of negotiations. The U.S. State Depart- us from realizing how much we have in common. It turns out we both ment is calling it a “pleasing, yet baffling, turn of events.” like Yeats poetry, stock car racing, James Bond movies, the color ‘harBoth Barak and Arafat were unhappy with Clinton’s performance vest gold,’ and The Eagles. Can you imagine that!” in previous negotiations. Barak told Madeleine Albright, in an open Two days after the leaders left France arm in arm, they held a joint letter to the State Department, “Your president is a most uncivilized press conference. Arafat outlined their plan for reporters, “We don’t gentleman. I called him one night complaining about the food at my hate each other any more, and we have to hate someone. The obvious Embassy, and he actually yelled at me.” Arafat had similar sentiments, choice is President Clinton because he is an infidel swine and disre“[Clinton] is a meddlesome infidel swine that has no class. Had he spected my good friend Ehud [Barak]. Unfortunately, we couldn’t think been here, we would never have come to the agreement that we did.” of anything cool to do to him, so we picked the next most obvious Regarding how they made their decision, Barak told the Associated choice to take our juvenile aggression out on: France. France is a rePress, “We were at this little French cafe. We had been arguing for ally useless county. They don’t make anything (except this great vanilla coffee), they don’t have anything, and most critically, they always give up in wars. Basically they are a bunch of stuck up sissy pricks. So, we have decided to declare allied warfare on France. They will give up as they always do. France will become a part of Palestine in a land for peace deal. I will have more land, and my people will cease killing the Jews.

It’s really a very good solution.”

Clinton is not fully supporting their agreement, but said the solution intrigued him. Furthermore, he admits that he would never have thought of it. “While we obviously cannot directly support the taking over of France, our political analysts can’t really find a single flaw in the plan. To be completely honest, our only tie to France is the Statue of Liberty. And the French must be crazy if they think we are going to help them again. I mean we saved them in WWI and WWII. What do they give us as payment? Vietnam.

So I say let Palestine and Israel have France. As long as we get Middle East oil and that great French vanilla coffee, I’m happy.”

Although the French government is unhappy with the decision, virtually no one cares. “The major problem with the plan was NATO,” Berak explained.

“NATO has this ridiculous policy that says if we attack any NATO member, it is seen as an attack on all NATO members. Luckily, NATO has temporarily suspended France’s membership, so we basically photo by Colin Parent (turn that frown upside down) have the go ahead.”

Barak’s hand is actually on Arafat’s ass, sugah.

Gore. I’m hoping my vote will make his daughters notice me.

Jaime Trumbla Preuss School

Special Note for Nerds 01 000001 01 1 01 1 0001 1 01 1 00001 0000001 1 0001 001 1 01 1 1 1 01 1 1 01 1 1 001 0000001 1 0001 001 1 001 01 01 1 001 1 001 1 01 1 1 1 01 1 1 001 001 1 001 01 001 0000001 1 1 01 0001 1 01 00001 1 001 01 001 0000001 1 01 1 01 01 1 01 001 01 1 001 1 1 01 1 01 00001 1 1 01 0001 1 1 1 001 001 0000001 1 0001 1 01 1 01 1 1 1 01 1 01 1 01 01 1 1 000001 1 1 01 01 01 1 1 01 0001 1 001 01 01 1 1 001 0001 0000001 1 1 001 1 01 1 0001 1 01 1 01 001 01 1 001 01 01 1 01 1 1 001 1 0001 1 01 1 001 01 001 0000001 1 001 0001 1 001 01 01 1 1 000001 1 00001 01 1 1 001 001 1 1 01 0001 1 01 1 01 01 1 001 01 01 1 01 1 1 001 1 1 01 00001 01 1 1 0001 0000001 01 001 1 01 1 01 1 1 1 01 1 01 1 1 1 01 1 01 1 1 0001 01 1 00001 0000001 1 1 1 001 01 1 01 1 1 1 01 1 1 01 01 001 0000001 1 00001 01 1 01 1 1 001 1 1 01 0001 1 01 00001 1 1 001 001 1 01 1 1 1 01 1 1 000001 1 01 1 1 1 01 1 01 1 0001 1 01 1 1 1 01 1 001 1 1 01 1 1 1 001 001 0000001 1 01 1 01 01 1 00001 01 1 01 01 001 1 01111 01 1 1 001 001 1 1 001 1 001 0000001 1 0001 1 01 1 00001 01 1 01 1 1 0001 0000001 1 1 01 1 1 01 1 00001 01 11 001 1 01 1 01 000001 0000001 1 01 1 01 01111 001 001 0000001 1 001 1 001 1 01 1 0001 1 01 1 1 1 01 1 01 11101 1 1 001 0001 01 1 1 0001 0000001 001 001 001 001 1 1 01 1 01 1 0001 1 01 1 00001 0000001 1 0001 001 1 001 01 001 0000 001 1 1 001 1 01 1 01 111 001 000 0001 1 01 011 01101 001 011 0111 001 1001 000 01 01110 [Editor’s Note: You didn’t have to decode this but we’re kinda glad you did.]

HUMOR

Page 10

Milosevic Overcharged at Market, Demands Recount

By Hal Melom Staff Writer Former Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic disputed the results of the financial transactions at a Belgrade fruit cart last Monday, arguing that the merchant had overcharged him by several thousand Serbian dinaras, a sum roughly equivalent to three U.S. cents.

“The results at this market are invalid and I demand that my bill be tabulated by someone else, preferably a family relation or member of my inner council,” a visibly angry Milosevic shouted only seconds after the final count was read to him. The charge of 274,393 dinaras followed a request by the former Serbian president to buy “enough dry foodstuffs to last for a journey on foot to Russia.” This is not the first time that Mr. Milosevic has disputed a financial transaction; it is widely believed that he launched his 1998 invasion of Kosovo after an Albanian sheep

farmer refused to sell him a prize ewe for reasons that Milosevic refused to disclose. The fruit vendor asserted that he was justified in charging his price.

“Hey, you’re the one who fucked the economy up in the first place,” retorted the fruit vendor after Milosevic made his accusation of fraud.

The White House issued a statement later that day expressing, “strong resolve to ensure that Mr. Milosevic pays the full price for his actions and his fruit.” President Clinton emphasized this last point by frowning and repeatedly shaking his index finger.

Secretary of State Madeline Albright was quoted as saying, “We will do everything in our power to ensure that Mr. Milosevic cannot disrupt the process of capitalism in the former Yugoslavia. The people of the Balkans have the right to a society where Starbucks and McDonald’s have access to every citizen…er…every citizen has access to Starbucks and McDonald’s.”

Wednesday, October 25, 2000

McDonald’s Application Slobodon Milosevic c/o Ministry of Internal Affairs 117049 Zhitnaya 16 Moscow Russia

McJob Objective: McLanguages Spoken: McQualifications: McEducation:

McWork History: 1968-1972: Manager of state-run manufacturing company in Serbia. Responsible for bookkeeping, recruiting employees, maintaining industry standards.

1972-1986: Head of Beobanka, one of the largest banks in Yugoslavia. Responsible for major financial transactions. Charges of embezzlement unfounded and false.

1986-1993: Chief of Serbian Communist Party.

In charge of recruitment, organization of party, propoganda. Led raids on villages. Incited rioting in the name of nationalism.

1993-2000: President of Serbia. In charge of army, police. Controlled and manipulated media. Responsible for displacement of nearly three million ethnic Albanians.

Furthered and developed genocide as a political tool.

T 10.

9.

8.

7.

6. photo by James Meeker

Milosovic seen here facing the grim economy he served to create. “Hey, I didn’t want this laxative!” Sure you didn’t Sloby, sure.

Hey, you think you’re better than us?

Well, you’re not. Get over it.

McDonalds Manager Trainee English, Serbian Quick learner, works well with people Graduate of University of Belgrade Law Degree, University of Belgrade

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

P O

Common Fears

10

Fear of Christopher Walken Fear of being shaken by a nun Fear of reality TV shows Fear of sobriety Fear of Pat Buchanan. Covered with honey. In heat.

Fear of Smurfs Fear of ugly children Fear of people who ask for directions Fear of the less fortunate Fear of Kelsey Grammar’s skull

Wednesday, October 25, 2000

T

P O

10

SUPERSQUAD

Page 11

Wa y s t o m e s s w i t h Te x a s

10. Make it into a landfill 9. Firebomb the Alamo 8. Sell it back to Mexico 7. Stop the killing of innocents 6. Pee in their hats 5. Speak ill of country music 4. Two words: Folgers Crystals 3. Introduce mad cow disease 2. Tell them Alaska’s bigger 1. Replace Cowboys’ uniforms with pink tutus

Well ya know what?

There is no Easter Bunny. That over there, that’s just a guy in a suit.

Page 12

FUN AND GAMES

Wednesday, October 25, 2000

Teen Pop Stars Crossword Puzzle

Across 6. What a girl wants 7. She wrote a song for Dawson’s Creek, or something 8. Two goons with long blond hair from the early 90s 10. The right stuff of the early 90s 11. Help! I wanna hold your hand 13. They did the puppet thing 14. Livin’ la vida loca

Down 1. Three feminine brothers (whose family name we misspelled) 2. Just like 14 across, but different 3. Hit me baby one more time 4. I think we’re alone now 5. Who’s bad!?!

9. Electric Youth 12. Stars on this rapper’s nipple