MQ
Volume VII Issue IssueIII II
University of California, San Diego
Wednesday, November 15, 2000
Constitutional Cage Match to Decide President call for desperate measures,” he said. “The American people need worry no longer. Al ‘Thundering Fists of Rage’ Gore is going to Vice Presidential veto their sorry asses.
after I turn the lights out on Governor Bush, and when he’s laying cold and dead in a pool of his own blood, there will be no more dispute about who really belongs in
cage made of one-inch thick steel bars. Once the match begins, the cage door will be shut, locking all contestants inside In response to the inconclusive until the match is over. Special Presidential election on November seating has been built in 7, the Democrats and the arena to accommodate Republicans have several thousand spectahammered out a tors, some within the spetiebreaker to detercial “splatter zone.” The mine the next presirules dictate that the dent of the United match may end only by States. Leaders from knockout or if one of the both parties have candidates submits. agreed that the winThe match has politiner will be detercal analysts intrigued, esmined by a winnerpecially due to the antake-all wrestling nouncement that Jessie match to be broadVentura will serve as the cast on pay-per view special guest referee. “I’m this Thanksgiving. going to make sure it’s a “It will be a tagfair fight,” Ventura said of team, no-holdshis officiating style. barred, ConstituWhen asked about the letional cage match,” gality of Bush’s controexplained Senate maversial signature maneujority leader Trent ver, the “electric chair,” in Lott (R, Mississippi) which the governor at the weigh-in last headlocks his opponent Saturday at the and applies deadly voltAmerican Airlines age from a car battery, Arena in Miami. Ventura responded, “I’ll “There will be no allow it.” popular vote and no Some critics of the cage electoral college, just match argue that it is not the candidates and a photo by The Michael Zank fair. Wrestling fan Jack steel cage.” Lott con- The two Presidential candidates will duke it out in Miami in a winner-take-all fight for the Oval Office. Hanson commented, “It tinued, “Bush and should totally be a tripleCheney will kick Gore threat match between Bush, and Lieberman’s asses back to the We won’t be relying on elderly the White House.” Not to be outdone, Bush took Gore, and Nader. Every man for Reagan era! Then they’ll claim the Jews in Palm Beach, we’ll be relythe microphone and shot back, himself. Winner take all. No tagPresidential belt for the glorious ing on our fists.” Later at the weigh-in, Demo- “Well, my daddy was the head of teams. Honestly, do you think G.O.P. The history books will show us to be the most badass party in cratic candidate Al Gore spoke the CIA, and he showed me a thing that either Cheney or Lieberman American history. It’s gonna be about his feelings on the match by or two about ass-whoopin, Texas- is capable of putting someone cruel and unusual!” he screamed yelling, “I think that we, as a na- style. You’d be wise to submit now, down? Hell, No!” tion, need to move forward beyond before I end your term early!” When asked for comment, into the microphone. The ring, being built specially President Clinton said, “I just House minority leader Richard this contentious election and Gephardt (D, Missouri) also spoke settle this here in a speedy man- for the Presidential bout, will be en- hope they have some female at the weigh-in. “Desperate times ner. And it will be speedy, ‘cause closed by a twenty-five foot high nude mud wrestling on the undercard.” By The Michael Zank Staff Writer
Hillary Celebrates Victory in Senate Race Ready to “get the hell out” of New York By James Meeker Staff Writer Last Tuesday, Hillary Rodham Clinton defeated Republican Rick Lazio in the Senate race for New York, becoming the first First Lady ever to be elected to public office. A spokesperson for Mrs. Clinton said that she is, “honored and grateful for the opportunity to represent New Yorkers,” and that she is, “excited that she can finally get the hell out of this stinking state.” “[Mrs. Clinton] knew that fulfilling the residency requirements for the Senate would be difficult,” added her spokesperson, “but she was absolutely unprepared for the horrors that she would have to endure here. Those New Yorkers really are a disgusting breed of creature. It’s kind of too bad, really. It would be such a nice state
photo by Colin Parent
Tired of taxis and homeless beggars, Hillary has had “enough” of New York.
without them.” “The worst was New York City,” continued Mrs. Clinton’s
spokesperson. “Between the bums vomiting on the sidewalk, the hoodlums running wild in the
streets, and the crack whores giving head just to pay for another fix, this is the most revolting place [Mrs. Clinton] has ever seen. Thank God the election is over and she can get the hell out of this vile abyss of despair and misery.” According to her spokesperson, Mrs. Clinton has returned to her home in Arkansas, and intends to remain there for the duration of her senate term. “I don’t think you understand how badly traumatized [Mrs. Clinton] was by her stay in the Big Rotting Apple,” said her spokesperson. “She spent her first four days back in Arkansas in the shower, scrubbing herself with steel wool and lye, and muttering ‘unclean’ over and over again. Frankly, we’re just hoping that she recovers in time for her gubernatorial bid for Nevada in two years.”
Tiffany attempts to resurrect career with performance in UCSD Price Center
Someone had to finish last in the Chancellor’s Challenge
Fantasy basketball player has fantasy friends, life.
Falsified Quote
“I, for one, intentionally voted for Buchanan.” -Rabbi Moische, Palm Beach, FL
EDITOR’S PAGE
Page 2
Professor Publishes Research Findings in Free Guardian Personal Ad By Sean Powell Editor Pro-Tempe UCSD Biology Professor Clarence Perry published the findings of his latest study, “Bivalent Cations and the Binding of L-Selectin to Epithelial Addressins,” in a free personal ad in last Thursday’s UCSD Guardian. The study, published below the message from “RonDogg” that stated “Maxine baby I wanna grab dat ass,” is both a landmark in immunology and the first time anyone besides a Guardian employee has used the Guardian’s free personal photo by Geoff Moss service. Professor Perry presents his findings on the benefits of publishing in the Guardian to “I was glad to get my study results published his fellow researchers. so fast,” said Perry, who might be up for the Nobel Prize in than happy to publish the study. Guardian. Submissions from Biology for his work in the field of “Normally people with anything UCSD students, not surprisingly, cell adhesion. “It was tough to fit important to say go directly to the have also not increased since my 3 years of lab data into the 20 Koala personals,” she said. Perry’s study was published. word limit, but I managed. And I “which leaves me making up a [Sean Powell, our Editor-ineven had room to add that I am a bunch of lame jokes and phony ‘Happy Birthday’ messages. I was Chief for this issue, was signed as SWM who enjoys long walks on the beach and seeks a SWF for ro- glad someone lightened my a free agent on Monday. We plan workload.” to offer him a contract extension mantic evenings.” As of yet no other professors for 4 issues at $25 million.] UCSD Guardian Classifieds editor Louise MacIntyre was more have planned to publish in the
Wednesday, November 15, 2000
Now Playing Section
Page
Humor
1, 3, 8
Intended to make you laugh
Crackpipe
4
Off the wall nonsense
Music News
5
Updates from the world of music and De La Rocha exclusive
Politics We make jokes about issues we don’t understand
1, 9
Impurity
6
Mary Jane and a Test
Even More Humor
10
Still intended to make you laugh
Supersquad
7
Superhero action, etc.
Fun & Games Foreigner Trading Cards and Paper Dolls
12
MQ Staff Editor-in-Chief – Geoff Moss Asst. Editor – Sean Powell Content Editor – Colin Parent Asst. Content Editor – Jasmine de Lung Design Editor – Liz Erwin Webmaster – Angela Cash Human Aquisitions – Nick Lieberknecht Legal Consultant – Skippy Pinipper Advisor – Patty Mahaffey SOLO Advisor – Randy Woodard
MQ Staff The MQ Juggernaut: We know who will be the next president.
photo by Mahaffey, PI
“The views expressed in this publication are solely those the MQ and our members. While the MQ is a registered student organization at the University of California, San Diego, the University neither supports nor endorses this publication or its contents. Additionally, the views expressed in this publication do not represent those of the University of California, the Regents, their officers, or employees. The members of the MQ as publishers of the MQ are entirely responsible for its content and they bear the full legal responsibility for any and all consequences arising from its publication.”
Justin Williams Hal Melom Michael Truex Jeffrey Trattner Michael Catinari Melissa Falcon Meg O’Neill Lindsay Boyd Sean Kane Ivan Wick Jessica Kruskamp Irene Lee Jeff MacGurn
Evan McLaughlin Reid Barrett Ron Darbee Jacob Campos Lisa Keagy Katie Old Sharon Shapiro David Anderson Erika Cheng Stephanie Chen Justin Gardner J. J. Cherry Nicki the Jack Russell Terrier
Team Dartmouth
Team DC
Megan Laver Elijah Zarlin Brian Hoolihan
Mike Selvaggio Not Nader Not Buchanan
HUMOR
Wednesday, November 15, 2000
Page 3
Reagan Remembers
By James Meeker Staff Writer
photo by Colin Parent
Decepticons laying waste to an auto show, which can no longer be billed as fun for the whole family.
Decepticons Mistake Auto Show for Autobot Base, 19 Dead By Michael Catinari Staff Writer Terror struck the town of Windy Palms, CA on Saturday, November 4 as townspeople gathered at their 16 th Annual Automotive Showcase. While the Automotive Showcase is typically a peaceful event, violence erupted as the Decepticons, evil robots in disguise, laid siege to man, woman, and child alike Onlookers stood horrified as the tragedy unfolded. Immigrant and auto enthusiast Hideki Akana said, “I leave Tokyo to get away from Godzilla. This much much worse than Godzilla.” The Decepticons, the “evil” faction of the Transformers, rained fire in the form of missiles and lasers upon the parking lot of the Dairy Queen on Scott Street where the automotive show was held, ultimately destroying 38 cars and killing 19 show-goers. While the feud between Trans-
former factions, the Autobots and their enemies the Decepticons, has raged for many years now, never before has it cost human life. In a press conference held following the attack, self-proclaimed Decepticon generalissimo, Megatron, tried to explain the disaster, “This is all a big mistake. My forces and I simply confused the showcase as a massing of Autobot forces.” A lone brave reporter demanded to know why the Decepticons thought that the Autobots, a group who normally occupies the crashed spaceship Teletron 1, would gather at the DQ with so many lower tax bracket, mullet-sporting, Camero owners who claim they drink beer for the taste. Megatron responded to the question by transforming into a proton cannon and disintegrating him. Many authorities now wonder how the Autobots will respond to the offensive. Shortly after the attack, Autobot head of state Optimus Prime released a vague
“Easily the most fascinating group of people on campus” -Gene Siskel, on his deathbed
statement claiming that the Autobots planned to institute a cautious policy that would emphasize both “conservative transforming” and a moderate degree of “rolling out.” It appears that the final result of the incident is, for the most part, some bad publicity for the Decepticon camp. In outlining the town of Windy Palms’ position, mayor Timothy Johnston said, “We’re gonna let this one slide. Basically, they are 50-foot instruments of destruction that we don’t want to deal with. I mean it was only trailer trash.” While some family members of the deceased were unhappy with the mayor’s statement, they found his point was hard to fault. Although the Decepticons may come out of this looking a little “evil-er” than usual, the faction claims to be unfazed. Said Decepticon leader Megatron, “We won’t rest until we claim Jerusalem, the West Bank, and the Gaza Strip for all Decepticon peoples.”
www.muirquarterly.com
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After nearly a week of confusion in what may be the most bizarre presidential election in American history, the political world was thrown into further turmoil with the announcement by former president Ronald Reagan that he would be running for the presidency in the year 2003. Despite the constitutional prohibition of a third term in the presidency and the advice of his friends and family to “forget about the whole idea,” Reagan believes that he has a strong possibility of a successful presidential bid in the 2003 elections. “I think I would be a very capable president,” said Reagan, in an exclusive interview given at his California nursing home. “It’s something that I have always wanted to do. I have enjoyed playing politicians throughout my extensive acting career — I’ve even played the president, in a splendid little sitcom that aired from 1980 to 1988.” Reagan stated that he has not currently decided what the specific issues of his campaign will be, although he does have some general goals for his presidency. “The first thing that I think needs to be done is to restore decency and respect to the institution of the presidency. It’s shameful the way America has become the laughingstock of the industrialized world. I have the kind of moral character that this nation needs. Also, while it is true that I did have a slight problem with wetting myself for a while, with aggressive drug therapy and a plentiful stock of Depends, I have been able to control this...most of the time.” Reagan believes that he will be successful in his bid for the presidency in 2003, largely because the official elections are in 2004. “It’s the element of surprise,” Reagan said, “When all the other candidates campaign in 2004, I’ll just be sitting at home laughing...I’ll already have won by then.” Reagan stated that this is his main reason for running in 2003, although he also “just like[s] the number three a lot. It reminds [him] of daffodils.” Reagan then excused himself from the interview, as it was “nappy time”. While political scholars believe that Reagan’s third presidential bid would be successful, they are divided on whether or not a third term would be constitutional.
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“Reagan was a very popular president,” said David Heller, a political science professor at Berkeley, “and the common consensus among political analysts is that he would win the next presidential election by a landslide. However, his bid creates a very difficult constitutional question. We all know that the Constitution prohibits a person from serving three terms as the President of the United States. However, there are some scholars, including myself, who feel that Mr. Reagan may be exempt from this law, as he is unable to remember his first two terms. Functionally, Mr. Reagan is not the same person who was president from 1980 to 1988.” Other political scholars are quick to debunk this theory. “The claim that [Reagan] is eligible for a third term simply because he cannot remember the first two is ridiculous,” said Larry Moore, a professor of law at Columbia University. “The Constitution states that no person can be elected more than twice to the presidency, regardless of whether or not he knows he’s been elected. However, Reagan might be able to circumvent this rule on other grounds. One could easily argue that because he was only awake for about a third of his presidency, he only truly served one term. Ultimately, I think that this will have to be a matter for the Supreme Court to decide.” Reagan remains upbeat and enthusiastic about his chances to win the presidency. “I am confident that I can overcome any obstacle before me,” Reagan said, “but that may just be the medication talking.” Reagan then excused himself from the interview, as it was “nappy time.”
photo by Colin Parent
Presidential Candidate Ronald Reagan
Things to do after losing the presidential election:
1. Viagra commercials. 2. Demand a recount, and then demand another recount, and then demand another recount. 3. Receive a full pardon from Gerald Ford. 4. Give the blasted Florida voters a lesson, with an assault rifle. 5. Hang Ralph Nader with a seatbelt.
Now come join the MQ MQ Meetings: Wednesdays, 7:30pm Half Dome Lounge, Muir College Everyone is welcome. Even you.
6. Lose the wife, ditch the kids, buy a ‘Vette and date a stripper. You deserve it, tiger. 7. Pledge a lifelong dedication to finding the “real ballots.” 8. Crank call the White House. 9. Get drunk and aimlessly roam the streets insisting that everyone you meet address you as “Mr. President.” 10. “Change your whole latitude.”™
CRACKPIPE
Page 4
Lights
&
Compiled by Jeff MacGurn Lights & Sirens is a selection of entries compiled from the log book of the UCSD Police Department. UCSD crime statistics can be attained by all persons from the Police Department or at h t t p : / / police.ucsd.edu Sunday Nov. 5 3:00 p.m.: A student reported burglary of Center Hall at Center Hall. Loss: $4.6 million. Monday, Nov. 6 12:36 p.m.: Officers detained 73year-old nude female staff member at Warren Lecture Hall for defecating on the grass. Event video taped. 2:53 p.m.: Officers detained 19year-old male student for genocide in Argo Hall. Cited and released. Tuesday, Nov. 7 3:22 p.m.: Officers detained 23-
Wednesday, November 15, 2000
Sirens
year-old male student for voting for Pat Buchanan. Transported to detox. We d n e s d a y, Nov. 8 11:12 a.m.: Officers detained 21-year-old male student for parking in “A” space. Summarily executed. Thursday, Nov. 9 1:43 p.m.: Officers detained a 57-year-old male Chancellor for indecent exposure. Transported to County Jail. 4:16 p.m.: Officers detained MQ staff for being entirely unfunny. Transported to detox. Friday, Nov. 10 10:16 a.m.: A student reported theft of power from the lower economic classes and the oppression of disadvantaged minorities by the rich white cultural elite in a biased socio-economic system at the Che Café. Loss: $30.
Ethiopians Protest Famine
photo by Nick Lieberknecht
I’m Just not Big on New England-Style Sweaters By Sean Powell Assisant Editor “Well,” I said to myself as I took my seat in my favorite theater, “I’m sure this new Ben Stiller movie will be funnier than There’s Something About Mary or it will die trying!” How excited I was as I snacked on carob drops and Capri-Sun California Coolers, eagerly anticipating the night’s showing of Meet the Parents. And right from the get-go, the film did not disappoint. Tender stills during the opening credits clued me in to the torrid romance between the two main characters, and the very first line from Mr. Stiller gave foreshadowing as to the unpredictability that would rule
the next few hours of my life. Just a few minutes in, gentle readers, and I was hooked! Let’s see, from what I gathered, Ben Stiller’s Greg Focker wanted to ask his girlfriend, played by Teri Polo, for her hand in marriage. The only thing is, she’s “Daddy’s Girl,” and he needs to ask Robert DeNiro for a nuptial blessing. A devious and interesting plot line, granted. And I really think I might have enjoyed the movie if not for one thing: New England-style sweaters. I’m not sure what exactly I have against New England-style sweaters. It’s not that I freak out, or lose control; it’s more like a slight discomfort, like a hangnail for the eyes. And as soon as the setting of the movie shifted from urban Chicago to rural New England, and the sweaters were donned, my movie-going experience went south. I tried, in vain, to enjoy the rest of the movie. But the sweaters had other plans for me. Just as I began enjoying the film, and let my guard down, five more sweaters would jump out at me, their high necklines and muted earth tones burning images into my visual cortex. I was miserable, and my pleas for help to the kindly couple in front of me went unnoticed until I managed to empty my last Capri-Sun on the woman’s head. From then on, my recollections of the film are foggy. I think I remember a hilarious scene in an airport, which I do believe was in the movie. I also remember a fire, I think that was in the movie. And I also remember a scene involving Liz Hurley, a spa full of red wine spritzers and some farm animals, but I think that just might have been in my imagination.
Vow to go on “hunger strike” By Reid Barrett Staff Writer Addis Ababa—The Ethiopian population has banded together in solidarity today to protest the recent famine that has hit their country. They have vowed to go on hunger strike until the lack of food has passed. This famine began a few weeks ago when flooding ruined a majority of the grain crops grown in the country. This is ironic because just a month ago, Ethiopians were worried that the current 10-year drought would limit food stocks just like last year. An Ethiopian farmer was quoted as saying, “When it began to rain, I was thankful. Then, when the rain would not stop, I asked God why He mocked me so.” This is a bold move politically
for many Ethiopian leaders straining to take control of rebel factions that battle throughout the war-torn country. This is also a bold move nutritionally as many Ethiopians are already on the brink of death from the previous month’s “Dysentery for Peace” campaign, a grassroots movement that swept through the ranks of the poor and poorer alike. Food hoarding began almost as soon as the rain stopped, which led to riots all over Ethiopia. Thabo Kenteki, a municipal bus driver, took part in the looting. He traveled to the countryside for what he called a “shopping trip” in which he roamed from farm to farm looking for food with a semiautomatic, .30 caliber Russian infantry assault rifle, or what he lovingly refers to as his “Visa card.”
Kenteki informed the MQ that he didn’t plan to “leave home without it.” Now that all the food is gone, however, the adversity of starvation has united the bottom 95% of Ethiopia’s economy. Some Ethiopian leaders have used the famine as a platform to criticize the developed world for its super-sized value meals and abundant sugar packets. One leader stated, “When I think of all the American boys and girls who do not finish their brussel sprouts while my countrymen and I are dying of starvation, it makes me cry. If they would only scrape what they did not finish into a box and send it by mail to this country, then our problems would be solved.” Many in the U.S. have spoken out against famine. One visible spokesperson is the bottom-feeding actress Sally Struthers. She has begun a trip to Ethiopia to show support for all her, “brown-skinned brothers and sisters.” She had also taken part in a symbolic hunger strike of her own when the flight attendant was delayed in bringing her complimentary peanuts. Since then, Struthers was listed in stable condition at Mercy Hospital in Johannesburg, South Africa. After a well-deserved sixweek brunch, Sally plans to resume her photo by Mother Theresa sympathy trip.
Ethiopians won’t be eating any turkey this Thanksgiving. Surprise, surprise.
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Amish Pick-Up Lines:
10. Gee Sarah, you sure are a lot plainer than all the other girls. 9. Would you like to play with li’l Jebediah? 8. It’s blasphemy for those birthing hips not to be put to good use. 7. Them’s some mighty sexy pantaloons. 6. Wanna go baptize the back of my buggy? 5. Can I plow your field? 4. Let’s go out back and churn some butter. 3. My, what a nice, big, black hat you have. 2. Show me your teats. 1. Wanna see my barn?
MUSIC
Wednesday, November 15, 2000
Page 5
Zack Leaves Rage, Becomes Nike Spokesman Jacob Campos Staff Writer Zack De La Rocha, lead singer of the intense, politically charged rock group Rage Against The Machine, recently announced his departure from the group. De La Rocha announced that since he will no longer be involved with the group, he will pursue a career with the Nike Athletic Co. When questioned on his reasons for leaving Rage and his new affiliation with Nike, De La Rocha stated, “I feel that my involvement with Rage Against The Machine was limiting the message that I have worked to spread my entire life. I truly believe that the opportunities that the Nike Corporation presents will aid me tremendously in my endeavors to fight the imperialist American political system and bring freedom from oppression to all nations.” Then, as a symbol of his decision, De La Rocha took off his Free Leonard Peltier t-shirt and donned a Nike tailored Vince Carter basketball jersey. He then checked his new $350 Nike Annihilator watch stating “look at the time,” left the press conference and departed in a waiting stretch Humvee which quickly whisked him away. The remaining members of Rage, bassist Tim Cummerford,
guitarist Tom Morello and drummer Brad Wilk, expressed their desire to keep making music. The overall attitude of the three musicians was surprisingly optimistic. They stated that De La Rocha had not been the easiest person to work with, describing him as “stubborn,” “irrational” and “just plain nuts”. Morello further stated, “Personally, I couldn’t be happier that he left finally. Zack was the biggest whiner I ever met. He never stopped talking about the way the ‘Man’ was keeping the ‘people’ down. It was always ‘Free-MumiaAbu-Jamal’ this and ‘Don’t-buyMcDonald’s’ that. I mean, yeah, those are important issues, but geez, he never talked about anything else. Give it a break, you know?” Morello then continued his statement, rising from his seat, “I remember I was driving him and the guys around once and I asked them for gas money. Tim and Brad were cool, but, of course, Zack had to give me a hard time. He said something stupid about U.S. sanctions on Iraq and oppressive foreign policy designed to control oil purchases. All I wanted was a couple of bucks for some unleaded. This kind of thing happened every day!!!” shouted Morello, who, unbelievably, was not finished with his rant. “And another thing, that little fool was the dirtiest guy, you would not be-
lieve!!! I never even saw him wash those d a m n dreadlocks.” stated Morello, who then proceeded to break into a scratching guitar solo, much to the chagrin of Cummerford and Wilk who were seated next to him. De La Rocha’s announcement was met with mixed reactions to Rage’s various fans. “I can’t believe this. I used to Human billboard think Rage was the only real band left, but now Zack has sold out like a little prick. This just goes to show you how the system is designed to corrupt the pure intentions of those who would rise up against it.” Sophomore Gerald Stevenson, who then straightened his dark sunglasses and black beret, shouted out, “Free Mumia Abu-Jamal!!” before exiting the Che Café. “I always knew Rage was a bunch of sell-outs anyway,” stated
photo by Alex Doherty
and raging sellout Zack De La Rocha sports new company shirt.
one anonymous, very cynical student. “I mean, they were on the Godzilla soundtrack for God’s sake. And honestly, who cares about Tibet, you know what I mean?” While working with Nike, De La Rocha also plans to continue his musical career, and is currently looking into collaborating with other performers. “I am seriously looking into doing an album with
98 Degrees. I have always admired their talent and believe that I could bring an edge to their sound, maybe add another layer to an already stellar group. Besides, they’ve only got four guys in the group anyway, when everyone knows you need five…I could be the dangerous, crazy one. Yeah, that’ll be cool,” stated De La Rocha. 98 Degrees’ manager declined to comment.
News from the Music World By James Bennett Staff Writer
photo by James Meeker
Marilyn Manson’s first ‘nipple-free’ photo.
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Trent Reznor leaves Nine Inch Nails to start solo career The world famous lead singer/ guitartist/basist/drummer for Nine Inch Nails, Trent Reznor, has announced today that he will no longer be playing with the group. “I’m afraid that I’ve grown apart from the rest of the band,” said Trent. “I need some room to explore my own musical interests. I just can’t do that and stay a part of Nine Inch Nails.” Many music critics have speculated that Trent’s departure will force the band to break up, being that he is the band’s only member. “Don’t get me wrong,” said one critic, “I think Nine Inch Nails is a great group. They’ve got a lot of potential, but without Trent, like, who’s gonna make all the music??”
Worst Mergers:
10. Makers of Camel Cigarettes-Philip Morris and Kaiser Permanente
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Madonna’s baby sings her first words Madonna’s daughter sang her first words today. The proud mother announced, “I was watching my daughter playing with blocks when I heard her distinctly singing my 1984 hit, ‘Like a Virgin.’ She even has perfect pitch!” As of press time, we were unable to determine if the baby was wearing a cone-shaped brassiere. Marilyn Manson stops dressing, acting like a freak Manson fans around the world were shocked to learn that Marilyn has gone straight. “I got sick of it; everyday I’d wrack my brain thinking of some way to shock my audience. Then it hit me. I bet they’d be really freaked out if I stopped dying my hair, wore normal clothes, and started playing soft rock. So that’s what I decided to
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do.” Marilyn’s latest album, “Happy Rainbow Sunshine Joy” is scheduled to hit stores later this week. Gangsta Rapper dies of natural causes The music industry was shocked yesterday to learn that famous gangsta rapper Ice Cube died of a heart attack caused by a rare heart-valve defect. “Are you sure he didn’t die from a gunshot wound?” asked one recording executive, “Or maybe a car accident, or a drug overdose? Anything?” The rap community is deeply saddened and baffled by the loss of Ice Cube. “How could this happen to Ice?” asked a longtime fan. “I mean, if it were a drive-by or something, I could understand that, but a heart attack? That’s not very cool.”
Things Mr. T would never say:
(for best results, read in Mr. T voice)
9. Makers of Viagra-Pfizer and Gerber baby foods.
8. Pass the peace pipe before I break your face.
8. Makers of Nyquil-Johnson and Johnson and Captain Morgan.
7. Yes, I would like whipped cream on my Triple Ice-blended Almond Machiatto, thank you.
7. Toymaker Hasbro and Remmington Firearms. 6. Makers of Raid-Dow Chemical and Vidal Sasson Hair Spray. 5. Proctor & Gamble makers of Ivory Soap and African nation Ivory Coast. 4. Sorciety for the Protection and Care of Animals (SPCA) and KFC. 3. King Cobra Liquors and Exxon Petroleum. 2. Trojan Condoms and Firestone Tires. 1. Your Parents.
6. Throw some tartar sauce in the bag. 5. You want fries with that? 4. I pity the fool who leaves the toilet seat up. 3. I’ll have the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Breakfast. 2. Do you have that in silver? 1. Where’d you get that sweater vest?
ARENA
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Wednesday, November 15, 2000
ARENA Should the Electoral College exist?
I don’t think I’m smart enough for college.
Pablo Maria Montoya Warren Junior
Probably not. The people are allowed to choose directly for the People’s Choice Awards and it works fine there.
James Kellerman Muir Senior
I don’t know. What do they use in Serbia?
Donk Nachez Triton Taxi Driver
I’m cool with pot.
Madam X Telemarketer
Yes. First they take away slavery, then they give women the right to vote, how will we remember our forefathers without the Electoral College?
Billy Ray Granger Middle America
Maybe... as long as it helps George W. Bush win.
Jeremy Downing Revelle Freshman
MQ Purity Test By David Anderson Staff Writer
Some people take purity tests to prove their purity. Most of us take them to prove our slutitity. Introducing the new, expanded, weighted, and ribbed for her pleasure MQ Purity Test! graphic by Justin Gardner If you’ve ever: 1. Held hands with someone, give yourself 1 point. 2. French kissed someone, give yourself 1 point. 3. French kissed someone in your family, give yourself 3 points. 4. Fantasized about sex, give yourself 1 point. 5. Fantasized about sex with Madeline Albright, give yourself 5 points. 6. Masturbated, give yourself 1 point. 7. Been caught masturbating, give yourself 2 points. 8. Been caught humping an apple pie, give yourself 3 points 9. Consumed alcohol, give yourself nothing (that doesn’t make you impure, it makes you normal). 10. Consumed so much alcohol that you were mistaken for a San Diego State student, give yourself 1 point. 11. Consumed so much alcohol that you were mistaken for George W. Bush, give yourself 2 points. 12. Inserted a small animal or creature into your rectum (either alive or dead), give yourself 5 points. 13. Inserted a medium-sized animal in your rectum to get the small animal out, give yourself 5 more points. 14. Seen the monkeys fuck at the zoo, give yourself 1 point. 15. Wondered if you could satisfy the monkey that looked like it was having the most fun, give yourself 2 points. 16. Been able to tell which monkey was having the most fun, stay away from the zoo. You’re hanging around there too much. 17. Had sex in a church, give yourself 5 points. 18. Had sex in a church because you find Jesus arousing, say 20 Hail Marys, because you’re a bad person. 19. Had sex with a teacher or professor, give yourself 5 points. 20. Had sex with a professor in order to raise your grade, pat yourself on the back. Way to work the system! 21. Seriously used a pick-up line, give yourself 1 point. 22. Seriously used the pick-up line “Do you have any (insert ethnicity) in you? Would you like to?” stop kidding yourself. You don’t think I’m ever going to fall for that, do you? 23. Been abducted and anally probed by aliens, give yourself 8 points. 24. Abducted someone and told them that you were an alien as you anally probed them, give yourself an anal probe. Anal probes are more satisfying than these stupid points. 25. Used the phrase “anal probe” as many times as you could in one sentence, give yourself a job on the MQ. How do you think I got on staff? 26. Bought condoms on meal points at Earl’s Place, give yourself 2 points. Do your parents know that their hard-earned money is being used towards your sexual gratification? 27. Been to a strip club, give yourself 2 points. 28. Been to a strip club to make fun of the ugly, perverted patrons, give yourself a reality check. You’re one of them, dumbass. 29. Had a sexual experience in a vehicle, give yourself 3 points. 30. Had a sexual experience in a vehicle of over 30,000 pounds gross weight (tank, armored car, steam- roller, crane, bulldozer, garbage truck, etc.), give yourself 3 more points. 31. Had a sexual experience with a person of over 30,000 pounds (that is definitely a gross weight), give yourself a fucking rest. It’s hard work moving a mountain! 32. Thought Ralph Nader would look really sexy wearing a leather jumpsuit and bound at the limbs by seatbelts, get the hell out of my fantasy. No one invited you!
Finally, you’re done! Tally up the total number of points you got. If you’re a humanities major, get someone who knows how to count on both their fingers and toes. If you got more than 15 points, stay away from me, because you are a goddamn weirdo. And don’t go getting any ideas about doing this stuff just to increase your score. That would be wrong, not to mention more than a little bit scary.
graphic by Kristen Molle
Napster to Allow Trading of Credit Information
By David Anderson Staff Writer
Napster, founder of the internet music “sharing” phenomenon, recently announced a strategic alliance with the parent company of music label BMG, signaling an end to its policy of looking the other way while users grabbed all the copyrighted music they could get their grubby little hands on. The company instead plans to introduce the idea of a membershipbased service, to be phased into the software sometime in the future. Reactions to the news have been overwhelmingly negative by college students nationwide, who prefer not to spend their parents’ money on artists’ actual compact discs. As a Muir freshman that wished not to be identified put it, “I could be spending that money on a bottle of Absolut!” Watching the press conference live, Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich appeared jubilant, giving the finger to surrounding teenagers and screaming, “Show me the money!” Immediately following the announcement of Napster’s decision to eventually give in to record companies’ wishes, Napster creator Shawn Fanning reassured Napster fans that membership fees would
allow the company to introduce new services. He outlined a plan to incorporate software that will allow users to share stolen credit card numbers and print fake driver’s licenses right off of their screens. “Judging by our ability to successfully evade federal copyright laws for a number of years already, the feds shouldn’t be able to force us to shut these new services down for quite some time,” Fanning told reporters. He went on to reiterate the company’s stance on the legality of the services it provides, claiming that anything it provided could only be considered illegal if users actually used them. “As long as they are responsible in their use of other people’s credit and identities, and realize that the services provided are for evaluation purposes only and must be deleted after 24 hours, the government can’t touch them.” Fanning seemed confident in the success of the new programs and the partnership with BMG music. “Just because we can’t offer free music anymore doesn’t mean we can’t continue to redefine piracy and fraud in America well into the twenty-first century,” he said at the briefing’s finale. “We’re just getting started.”
Wednesday, November 15, 2000
SUPERSQUAD
Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Join the MQ, bitch. We meet every Wednesday at 7:30 in Half Dome Lounge in Muir College. New members always welcome! email nlieberk@ucsd.edu for specific questions
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New Side dishes for Thanksgiving:
10.
Rocky Mountain Oysters
9.
Guilt
8.
Liquid Paper Egg Nog
7.
Mind-Altering Drugs
6.
Tuna Noodle Casserole Surprise
5.
Grandma’s Terrier
4.
Soylent Green
3.
Warm Holstein semen
2.
Kung Pao Chicken
1.
Malt Liquor
HUMOR
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Wednesday, November 15, 2000
Berkeley Study Links Scooters to Impotency By Justin Williams Staff Writer Scientists at the University of California, Berkeley, recently announced that there is now concrete evidence proving Razor™ Scooters are, indeed, related to male impotency. There has been quite a debate within the scientific team, however, as to which enigma causes the other. “Clearly it’s the fault of the scooters,” argues Dr. Dennis Grosse, one of three scientists involved in the study. “Those damn things are ruining the male libido left and right, and there’s simply no way to stop it, short of surgery.” Dr. Robert Flaccid, a distinguished urologist and author of several award-winning books on penile dysfunction, disagrees. “There’s no reason we should automatically point the blame at the scooters. Now, I’m not arguing that the scooters and impotency aren’t related … we all agree on that. My claim is that the type of people who ride the damned things most likely suffered from pre-existing impotency.” It took well over three months to collect enough data for the initial study, and the scientists predict that it will take at least another year to come to a consensus as to
photo by Jon Cole
Motorcycles are cool. Razor scooters, however, are not.
which is the preexisting malady. Doctors Grosse and Flaccid will have to put their research on hold, however, in order to find a replacement for Dr. Rachel Hatch, who will not be continuing with the study. When reached for comment, Hatch
proclaimed, “I simply disagree with the parameters of the experiment. Both Doctor Grosse and Doctor Flaccid have insisted on testing students of the university, and I just don’t feel accurate data can be collected from this particular
group. I mean, come on … these people go to Berkeley. Doesn’t that tell you something? Do you know how much pot they smoke up here?” The university is anxiously awaiting further findings, pending
the replacement of Dr. Hatch. As for the time being, Razor™ owners are urged to fold up their scooters, shove them in the back of a dark closet and pretend they never owned one, if they have not done so already.
Marijuana Study Attracts Volunteer Subjects UC San Diego students couldn’t be happier By Nick Thaler Staff Writer A state-funded organization focused on studying the drug Cannabis, also known as pot, has been headquartered on the UCSD campus. Called “The Center for Medicinal Cannabis Research,” (CMCR) it is a collaborative effort from both UCSD and UCSF, and its purpose is to see if “smoking marijuana is at all linked to sitting on your ass and getting high.” While the study has been met with some disapproval by the non-science UCSD faculty, student volunteerism has never been better. Over a one-year period, four hundred volunteers will sample various qualities and quantities of the drug. After smoking specific quantities of the drug, scientists using top of the line equipment will analyze the volunteers and see if they did indeed get high from smoking weed. Although the research has only been going on for a few weeks, scientists are enthusiastic about their results so far. “We may be approaching a major breakthrough,” says CMCR director Professor Michael Sharpe. “It seems that when there is pot around, it is very likely to find people getting totally fucked-up and laying around all day laughing and eating various snack foods, especially Doritos.” Sharpe adds, “We have also found that people who use this drug tend to burn incense, stare at lava lamps, and listen to Sublime songs, especially that one about smoking joints. This is some very exciting stuff!” Many of the participants in the study agree. Says one enthusias-
tic junior: “I was like, getting sick of all this cancer-curing crap that they were doing, and it’s nice to see that the scientist guys around
population, as thousands of eager volunteers stormed the science department on the first day of the tests, kicking and clawing their
freshman Michelle Jacobs, “Suddenly there were bright lights and funny smelling gas filling the room and I was like ‘Whoa! This is
photo by J. J. Cherry
San Diego Super Computer Center was remodeled into an observation hotbox in order to accomadate the increase in participation.
here are finally researching something that is actually important in life. Now pass me that bong, would ya?” He then proceeded to fall face first into a bowl of oatmeal. This statement reflects the general sentiment of the entire student
way into the laboratories. Security guards fought the eager students back with tear gas and flash grenades, but this proved ineffectual. Many of the volunteers merely thought this was the beginning of the experiment. Said
some good shit!’ But they still wouldn’t let us through the doors, ya know? The whole thing was pretty messed up.” The rioters were finally driven away when security repeatedly blasted Backstreet Boys tunes over their
loudspeakers. Despite the overwhelming showing of volunteers on the first day, not everyone agrees with the study’s purposes. “Marijuana is not about getting high,” complained senior Jonathon Durden, an avid watcher of television and a total pothead. “It has so many practical uses such as shampoo, basket weaving, toilet paper, a cure for hemorrhoids, a balm for baldness, a solution against rabid pelicans, and an alternative to rocket fuel.” Durden then added in a final statement that he was “totally wasted.” Many of the faculty members are also against the experiment. Math Professor Sandra Cornwall says, “Since the CMCR started conducting their studies, many of my students have stopped handing in their homework or don’t even show up to class at all. The few papers that I do get are decorated with pictures of purple haze and ganja leaves. It’s really getting out of hand!” Despite protests like these, CMCR has firmly stood their ground on their resolve to more clearly define the effects of marijuana. “The information we are gathering can have enormous benefits on the entire nation,” says Sharpe, “and we’re not about to let The Establishment get in our way either. In fact, if this study is as successful as it is promising to be, we may do follow up research on the effects of other substances, such as hash and peyote.” Positive response to this statement from the UCSD student body has been overwhelming.
HUMOR Page 9 Long-Running Study Concludes that Time Does Not Heal All Wounds
Wednesday, November 15, 2000 By Ron Darbee Staff Writer This week, the top-secret results of a study done at Johns Hopkins University were released, ending a research program that has gone on for nearly fifty years. The study found that, contrary to popular belief and conventional wisdom, time does not heal all wounds. After hearing this, Timmy Horton, a 6-year-old in Mission Valley, ran to his grandmother screaming, “Liar!” The study’s release marks the first time any major medical institution has admitted that time does not heal all wounds. Though a few people have suspected this, mostly amputees, burn victims, and other severely disfigured individuals, their ideas were ignored,
mostly because our society does not listen to cripples. The results of this study did come as quite a shock to many people, crushing the dreams of optimists around the world. Turning to their religious leaders to debunk this frightening reality seemed fruitless, as Pope John Paul II himself stated in an address to the masses, “Stop bitching and get used to it. This has been obvious for years.” Hundreds of elderly people from around the country are calling for legal action against Johns Hopkins, accusing them of slandering a proverb. Legal experts across the country agree that slandering a proverb is not a real crime, but the legions of elderly vow they will persist in this accusation.
photo by Dale Burner
Looking onto the ocean of passing time, this sad man laments his numerous bleeding sores.
Gore Proven to Be Robot Tipper always said he was a machine By Ron Darbee Staff Writer Last Tuesday, Slobodan Milosevic participated in his second presidential election this year, and his apparent loss prompted virtually the same reaction as his previous loss. While acting through his robotic puppet, Vice President Al Gore, Milosevic made a strong bid at the United States presidency. However, when it appeared he had lost the election, Milosevic returned to his old ways by demanding a recount. It seems that old habits die hard. A top aide for Vice President Gore leaked this disturbing information, and it has become the subject of press conferences across the nation. When informed of Milosevic’s scheme, George W. Bush made the statement, “I will take my rightful place as President, and when I do, I will dismantle the Gore-droid and
bomb Milosevic right out of Serbia, and the rest of South America, if that’s what it takes to stop this fiend.” When confronted with facts about both the current leadership and location of Yugoslavia, Bush responded by criticizing the use of “unfair pop quizzes” against him. When reached for comment, Bush’s running mate, Dick Cheney, had this to say: “If Gore was a robot all along, it’s no wonder it was so easy for him to invent the Internet.” The idea that one man could invent the internet had long confused Cheney, who had previously stated, “I am still fascinated by the knowledge and pornography available on the Internet, as well as computers, electricity, and running water. My home state of Wyoming has none of these newfangled things.” “Milosevic’s model 52-GOREVP robot is totally unsafe, and
photo by The Michael Zank
Gore-bot.
should obviously be recalled before it can harm anyone,” said longtime consumer activist Ralph Nader, the Green Party’s nominee for President. “It’s dangerous androids like this that make the public wary of all androids built by insane dictators. America need not fear, however, because this seems to be an isolated danger, as all other androids that were built by insane dictators to run for President seem to be totally benign.” He sited Bob Dole as an example of a harmless, and perhaps even loveable, example of such an android. Pretend-candidate Pat Buchanan immediately called a press conference where, referring to Gore’s uncovered identity, he made the statement, “This is what I’ve been saying from the beginning. I’ve said the whole time that Al Gore was an evil robot built to spread harmful, liberal ideas such as freeing the slaves and women’s suffrage.” His claims could not be verified as it appears no one attended any of his speeches. A distraught Tipper Gore addressed the public, and with a tear in her eye, made the statement that Star Trek geeks nation-wide had been dying to hear. She assured fans that, like Data (The Next Generation’s token android), the Vice-President android is “fully functional.” Thanks to the disturbing knowledge imparted by Viagra commercials, it can be safely assumed that this is not a quality naturally shared by the alleged Bob Dole android. Mrs. Gore seemed aghast at the idea that she had been used by an insane megalomaniac as part of his scheme to gain control of the United States, but after calming down, did admit that the idea was “kinda sexy.” None of the four Gore children could be reached for comment. However, it does appear that they are responsible for hijacking Air Force Two and are headed for Europe. Many experts and laypersons alike have long speculated that the stiff, humorless Gore was either a robot or some sort of zombie. However, the zany antics of President Clinton, mostly involving his foreign policy or his penis, have kept the spotlight off of Gore for the past eight years. In these dark times, the nation asks itself why it did not examine Gore sooner.
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Excuses for Not Voting:
10. The Teamsters didn’t tell me to 9. I already voted... Britney Spears for top teen popstar of the year 8. They don’t call me a convicted rapist for nothing 7.
Busy voting on TRL
6.
Haven’t been extended the franchise
5.
No parking
4.
Was out smoking on the cliffs
3. “I voted” sticker doesn’t go with my outfit 2.
We live in a Democracy?
1.
I don’t live in Florida
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Things You Found in Your Halloween Basket:
10. Pack of smokes 9.
Used panties
8.
Used condoms
7.
Used bullet shells
6.
I Can’t Belive It’s Not Butter
5.
A Charger win
4.
Photos of your Mom
3.
A fetus
2.
Middle Eastern peace
1.
A cold churro
HUMOR
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Wednesday, November 15, 2000
Ultimate Fighting at Husbands Go On Strike RIMAC Claims Four Lawns everywhere remain unmowed
By Melissa Falcon Staff Writer
and yelled, “Everyone who is a communications major, line up against that wall.” The two then Police were puzzled on Satur- bound and gagged the four studay, November 11, as they made dents who lined the wall and ushtheir way into a rec room on the ered the remaining students outsecond floor of RIMAC, UCSD’s side the room where they watched main athletic facility. There they through the window. found four mangled students Authorities believe that the presprawled on the floor. Authorities med students were outraged beclaim that two premeds beat four cause their lives were more stresscommunications majors to death ful than those of the communicawith foam baseball bats, during the tions majors. “The premeds were weekly RIMAC Ultimate Fighting ranting and raving about their upclass. per division biology and chemisRecreation instructor Ben try courses,” explained Wood, Wood claims the two premeds “and then the next minute they came into class seeming “unusu- began assaulting those four helpally aggressive.” When Wood less victims.” brought out the fake training weapWhen asked to comment on his ons at the beginning of the class, actions, premed John Smith was witnesses say the premed students eager to discuss his reasoning. held up the class with the fake guns “This class is my way of relieving stress. Did I get too carried away?” When questioned about the type of weapon used in his attack, the second perpetrator, Dan Stein, replied, “ I tried using the rubber knife, but it proved ineffective. So I resorted to the foam bat. And I’d use a foam bat next time, ‘cause it gets photo by Colin Parent the job done.” “Glass Jaw” Jon Cole tastes the business end of an Ultimate Fighting Death Stick.
By Liz Erwin Design Editor In the largest labor strike in American history, 50 million men have walked out on their husbandly duties. Citing low pay, lack of benefits and poor working conditions, the Husbands Association of America (HAA) is striking until their demands are met. Union spokesman Michael Holhner explains, “Well, a bunch of us guys got together after that big strike they had in LA, and we realized that we were getting the shaft too. I mean, my wife does almost nothing. She gets to stay inside after a day of work and play around in the kitchen. I have to sit in the den and make sure the kids leave the TV on ESPN. Is that fair?” Holhner continued with what he hopes to gain, “I want my wife to start doing something besides cooking and cleaning all the time. Before I’ll consider coming back, she at least needs to start mowing the lawn every Saturday.” Other union members claim to have additional objectives. 10year union member Vern Jones is looking for increased benefits. “What I propose is a type of kickback program. I wouldn’t mind picking the kids up from soccer practice if I knew I would get some immediate rewards from it. The Union needs a standardized exchange for household chores.” When asked to clarify what kinds of rewards he wanted, Jones replied, “You know, the good stuff. Beer and sex.” While the strike has received
public approval from the Teamsters and the American Federation of Labor, other unions have objected to it. The Lesbian Laborers League (LLL) has claimed discrimination, because lesbian members wishing to join the strike have been denied the privilege. Chairwomen Regina Smith explains, “Many members of the LLL are part of a long-term, loving relationship with a woman. Does the HAA claim that just because they are female, they can’t be husbands?” Holhner
replied, “Yeah, that’s basically what we mean.” The American Wives’ Union (AWU) at first ridiculed the strikers, laughing at their proposals during negotiations and taking frequent group trips to the restroom to snicker at the plans of their husbands. The AWU has since changed its position and has offered a compromise: if the men want to switch household chores, they’re all for it.
photo by Jimmy Bennett
Mike Ficken, organizer of the male protest, makes one of his demands known, but could also use some more sex.
Students Rally Against UCSD Mascot By James Meeker Staff Writer Last Thursday, the Triton mascot of UCSD became the latest figure to come under fire in the recent wave of criticism against “racist” icons. Early Thursday morning, Students Against Unrepresentative College Emblems (SAUCE) began a protest at UCSD’s Price Center, calling for an end to the familiar trident-wielding mascot. The SAUCE group, gathered in the Price Center, quickly swelled to include several hundred students who began chanting, “Tritons are people” to the beat of bongo drums and the haunting melody of a sitar. However, although the protest received a high turnout, many of the protestors were confused as to the purpose of the rally. “I’m not really sure what this is about...I think it might be about registration fees or something,” said freshman Gary Dodson, one of the many protesters, “But the music’s kind of cool, and there’s a really hot chick in there. Plus, I’ve got nothing better to do.” Not all of the protestors, however, were unaware of the purpose for the protest. “It is absolutely shameful that in this day and age a public university continues to have as its mascot a symbol of centuries-old prejudice and racism,” said SAUCE president Kim Hernandez. “The Triton character used by UCSD is a derogatory symbol to indigenous ichthyo-hu-
manoids everywhere. The Triton is always portrayed as a warlike and savage being, appearing unclothed and with trident in hand. This stereotype completely ignores the rich and complex social structure of Triton culture, and reduces hundreds of years of Triton history to a logo on a sweatshirt. “We are also opposed to UCSD using the name ‘Triton Taxi’ for its Friday night drunk-mobiles,” continued Hernandez, “While it is true that many of the Tritons have had problems with alcoholism in the past, it is inappropriate and offensive to associate the noble triton race with binge drinking and debauchery.” UCSD officials indicate that the university was unprepared for this sort of conflict. “It was a complete surprise,” commented Richard Alexander, head of the university Student Relations Committee. “I mean, you hear about it happening at San Diego State, or similar schools where the students don’t have to worry about getting an education; we just never thought it could happen to us.” Alexander indicated that UCSD was not entirely sure how to handle the situation, although he stated that the university was anxious to bring the matter to a close. “Obviously this sort of thing creates bad publicity for the school,” he said, “however, we were pleasantly surprised to discover that some of the students care about something other than exams.” The UCSD Athletic Department
has issued a press release stating that it intends to keep the triton as a mascot. “Of course we’re going to keep the Triton,” said department spokesman Samuel Blake. “Have they all gone friggin’ nuts? We’re not going to go to all the trouble of changing our mascot just because a few over-sensitive pansies think that a triton isn’t politically correct enough for them. Don’t those freaks know that Tritons aren’t even real?” “That is just the sort of attitude that SAUCE is protesting against,” said Kim Hernandez. “Don’t these oppressors realize that ignoring the bigotry just makes it more dangerous? Isn’t it about time that we embrace our brothers of the sea as equals and recognize the magnificence of their colorful heritage?” When confronted with the fact that Tritons do not in fact exist, she responded, “I’ve been involved in protests to change offensive icons for years, including the recent protest at San Diego State, and I’m proud to say that not once have I let reason cloud my judgment. Regardless of whether or not tritons exist today, we at SAUCE are offended by what we perceive to be a degrading portrayal of this being, and we fully intend to make asses of ourselves until the people with common sense get tired of arguing and give in.”
photo by James Meeker
The protesters make it clear, the Tritons MUST go.
Wednesday, November 15, 2000
HUMOR
Page 11
63 killed, over 500 injured in Quake 3 tournament Things get kinda serious By James Bennett Staff Writer What started as a peaceful gathering of friends to play a computer game ended in a bloodbath Sunday. It all began when Warren Junior Bob Johnson suggested that his apartment mates play Quake 3, a popular computer game. This seemingly innocent suggestion led to more than 63 deaths, or “frags” in a period of just a few short hours. “Never before in my life have I seen such carnage,” said Muir freshman Greg Parker. Greg was one of many unfortunate victims of the Quake tournament, which pitted friends against each other in a brutal struggle to survive. Contributing to the massive casualty figures was the ability to “re-spawn,” which allowed players to reappear after being killed. This allowed some players to die as many as twenty times each. “Yeah,” said Greg, “I think I died at least twenty-five times.” “Yeah,” said Bob, a close friend of Greg’s, “you really suck.” Tragically, these events are extremely common in college campuses across America. “These kids see violent computer games as a way to fit in,” says psycholo-
gist Carl Heinrich. “When they play a game of Quake, they get to be part of a group. They also get to blow shit up. Personally, that’s my favorite part.” Both political parties have condemned the violence that goes on in computer games across the nation. The United States Senate has been debating for months on a bill designed to stem the tide of violence. The bill would require a fiveday waiting period before players could pick any weapons. The Bill has received strong support from the Democrats, but numerous conservative Senators have opposed its passage. In addition, the NRA has decried the bill. “There are a number of computer gamers that use guns for legitimate purposes, like when playing Deer Hunter. Also, many players on servers in poor, urban areas need weapons for self defense,” said NRA chairman Charleton Heston. He then added, “If you outlaw rail guns, only outlaws will have rail guns.” Despite this opposition, members of both parties agree that something must be done to stop the rising tide of violence. President Clinton has decided to try and arrange peace talks for the Quake 3 players of the world. “Maybe if
photo by Jimmy Bennett
Ever dance with the devil in the pale moon light?
we can sit together and talk, we can get to the heart of this conflict,” said the President. “These people have been living with violence so long, they need to realize that there are alternatives to fight-
ing.” Unfortunately, Quake players are unwilling to resolve the difference. “What Clinton needs to understand,” said a spokesperson for the gaming community, “is that
Gwynn to Sign with Sea World Padre will be competing at ‘larger level’ By Evan McLaughlin Staff Writer SAN DIEGO, Nov. 3 — After not receiving a favorable contract extension from the Padres for the 2001 baseball season, Tony Gwynn has signed with Sea World Theme Park in an effort to revitalize his career. Gwynn, a 15-time all-star and winner of this year’s Adams Avenue Street Fair pie-eating contest, had spent the last 15 years with the San Diego Padres. Gwynn said his decision to join Team Sea World was the result of not being offered a new contract by his beloved Padres.
Raymond O’Dell, a personnel department official for the Padres, cited the team’s substandard current assets as the reason Gwynn could not be signed. “Mr. Gwynn’s contractual requests would place a strain too great on the organization’s budget,” O’Dell said. “The only way we could afford the $6 million contract and the weekly chow mein airlifts he demanded is if we started winning ballgames, and that doesn’t appear to be happening anytime soon.” “It is in my best interests to move on to a larger level of play,” said Gywnn, who posts a slugging percentage of .526 when playing
on artificial turf in the month of May. “The Padres have made it clear that my personal eating habits are too costly to the organization and would rather have Kate Moss playing right field than me, just to save a couple of bucks.” The Padres state that they have not yet talked to Ms. Moss, but that it is an upcoming priority. Gwynn will be working at the Shamu Adventures attraction when he starts work at Sea World next month. The 8-time batting champ will have to get in better shape while working alongside Narnu, Baby Shamu and Shamu himself. “Those are 3 quality ath-
photo by James Meeker
The world hasn’t seen splashes this big since the Bikini atoll blast of 1953.
letes,” stated Gywnn while snacking on a rack of lamb and a bucket of squid at his press conference. The splash zone for Shamu Adventures will be extended to 24 rows to accommodate the addition of Gwynn. Darren Gattman, Gwynn’s personal agent and intimate friend, told the MQ that he advised his client to make the switch from the ballpark to the whale tank. “Tony is going to profit exceedingly from this career move. No animal rights activist is going to let Sea World officials get away with paying him less than 6 or 7 million a year. And let’s not forget the endorsements!” Gattman explained that Gwynn’s impressive girth could land him “mucho dinero” if he were to wear a body suit with the logos of various sponsors upon it. “[Tony] is a big boy. He is going to look like an aquatic NASCAR with all of those logos on him.” Television personality and animal expert Jack Hanna serves as the narrator for Shamu Adventures. When informed that the future baseball Hall-of-Famer would be joining the act, Hanna showed signs of disappointment by stating that Gwynn will be getting “all of the ‘play’ from the female marine enthusiast groupies.” Sea World officials commented that the signing of Gywnn was part of another profitgrowth campaign, where the park has solicited the aid of celebrities to boost attendance. Earlier this month, both Kenneth Star and Johnny Cochran signed with the San Diego theme park and were added to the Shark Encounter attraction.
we don’t care about stopping the violence. Death is but a small sacrifice if I may be allowed to compete in the sacred games.” “Damn,” he added. “I just fell into the lava.”
Top Ten Ways to Choose the President: 10. Wet T-Shirt Contest 9. Paper-RockScissors 8.
Ballot Bong Off
7. Best Rocky impersonation at Lincoln Memorial 6.
Ruler
5. Shoot down their personal jets and just use their wives. 4. Firebomb Texas and see who’s left 3. Drunken car rally through D.C. 2. Find contender with the hottest daughter(s); we simply can’t make that Chelsea mistake again 1. Make use of the archaic Constitional institution of nondirect, non-representational voting known affectionately as the Electoral College.
FUN AND GAMES
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Wednesday, November 15, 2000
MQ TRADING CARDS: FOREIGNER EDITION Your Math Professor
Madeline Albright
86
69
Proudest Moment: Edging out Janet Reno in Cabinet Swimsuit Pageant Victories: GrecoRoman Challenge ‘99
Languages Known: Hindi, C++, clicks and whistles, Sanskrit, Jive (English not included)
The French
Super Mario
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon 45
Occupation: Kwik-E-Mart Owner Consecutive Hours Worked: 10e10
Allies: Long-necked, feeble-minded brother
Fond Of: Themselves
Enemies: Playstation 2
Good For: Fries, toast, and organs
Not Fond Of: Shaving
23
Bats: Left Swims: Fast Fun Fact: Nobody told him that his mother is dead
Foreigner
666
45
Elian Gonzalez
Alf
84
Wants: To know what love is Waiting: For a girl like you
245
Likes: Pussy Eats: More pussy than Ellen DeGeneres Fun Word to Say: Pussy
Hot: Blooded
Lame Duck Paperdoll: DNA Destroying Dungarees
Easily Disguised Sex Toy
ML5000 Orifice Unit
Easier to Swallow than Hillary Why Chelsea came back from Stanford
“Inspiration”
Chick Magnet Relic from College Years
Liar
First and Only supportive action for wife