MQ
Volume VII Issue IssueIII II
University of California, San Diego
Wednesday, November 15, 2000
Constitutional Cage Match to Decide President call for desperate measures,” he said. “The American people need worry no longer. Al ‘Thundering Fists of Rage’ Gore is going to Vice Presidential veto their sorry asses.
after I turn the lights out on Governor Bush, and when he’s laying cold and dead in a pool of his own blood, there will be no more dispute about who really belongs in
cage made of one-inch thick steel bars. Once the match begins, the cage door will be shut, locking all contestants inside In response to the inconclusive until the match is over. Special Presidential election on November seating has been built in 7, the Democrats and the arena to accommodate Republicans have several thousand spectahammered out a tors, some within the spetiebreaker to detercial “splatter zone.” The mine the next presirules dictate that the dent of the United match may end only by States. Leaders from knockout or if one of the both parties have candidates submits. agreed that the winThe match has politiner will be detercal analysts intrigued, esmined by a winnerpecially due to the antake-all wrestling nouncement that Jessie match to be broadVentura will serve as the cast on pay-per view special guest referee. “I’m this Thanksgiving. going to make sure it’s a “It will be a tagfair fight,” Ventura said of team, no-holdshis officiating style. barred, ConstituWhen asked about the letional cage match,” gality of Bush’s controexplained Senate maversial signature maneujority leader Trent ver, the “electric chair,” in Lott (R, Mississippi) which the governor at the weigh-in last headlocks his opponent Saturday at the and applies deadly voltAmerican Airlines age from a car battery, Arena in Miami. Ventura responded, “I’ll “There will be no allow it.” popular vote and no Some critics of the cage electoral college, just match argue that it is not the candidates and a photo by The Michael Zank fair. Wrestling fan Jack steel cage.” Lott con- The two Presidential candidates will duke it out in Miami in a winner-take-all fight for the Oval Office. Hanson commented, “It tinued, “Bush and should totally be a tripleCheney will kick Gore threat match between Bush, and Lieberman’s asses back to the We won’t be relying on elderly the White House.” Not to be outdone, Bush took Gore, and Nader. Every man for Reagan era! Then they’ll claim the Jews in Palm Beach, we’ll be relythe microphone and shot back, himself. Winner take all. No tagPresidential belt for the glorious ing on our fists.” Later at the weigh-in, Demo- “Well, my daddy was the head of teams. Honestly, do you think G.O.P. The history books will show us to be the most badass party in cratic candidate Al Gore spoke the CIA, and he showed me a thing that either Cheney or Lieberman American history. It’s gonna be about his feelings on the match by or two about ass-whoopin, Texas- is capable of putting someone cruel and unusual!” he screamed yelling, “I think that we, as a na- style. You’d be wise to submit now, down? Hell, No!” tion, need to move forward beyond before I end your term early!” When asked for comment, into the microphone. The ring, being built specially President Clinton said, “I just House minority leader Richard this contentious election and Gephardt (D, Missouri) also spoke settle this here in a speedy man- for the Presidential bout, will be en- hope they have some female at the weigh-in. “Desperate times ner. And it will be speedy, ‘cause closed by a twenty-five foot high nude mud wrestling on the undercard.” By The Michael Zank Staff Writer
Hillary Celebrates Victory in Senate Race Ready to “get the hell out” of New York By James Meeker Staff Writer Last Tuesday, Hillary Rodham Clinton defeated Republican Rick Lazio in the Senate race for New York, becoming the first First Lady ever to be elected to public office. A spokesperson for Mrs. Clinton said that she is, “honored and grateful for the opportunity to represent New Yorkers,” and that she is, “excited that she can finally get the hell out of this stinking state.” “[Mrs. Clinton] knew that fulfilling the residency requirements for the Senate would be difficult,” added her spokesperson, “but she was absolutely unprepared for the horrors that she would have to endure here. Those New Yorkers really are a disgusting breed of creature. It’s kind of too bad, really. It would be such a nice state
photo by Colin Parent
Tired of taxis and homeless beggars, Hillary has had “enough” of New York.
without them.” “The worst was New York City,” continued Mrs. Clinton’s
spokesperson. “Between the bums vomiting on the sidewalk, the hoodlums running wild in the
streets, and the crack whores giving head just to pay for another fix, this is the most revolting place [Mrs. Clinton] has ever seen. Thank God the election is over and she can get the hell out of this vile abyss of despair and misery.” According to her spokesperson, Mrs. Clinton has returned to her home in Arkansas, and intends to remain there for the duration of her senate term. “I don’t think you understand how badly traumatized [Mrs. Clinton] was by her stay in the Big Rotting Apple,” said her spokesperson. “She spent her first four days back in Arkansas in the shower, scrubbing herself with steel wool and lye, and muttering ‘unclean’ over and over again. Frankly, we’re just hoping that she recovers in time for her gubernatorial bid for Nevada in two years.”
Tiffany attempts to resurrect career with performance in UCSD Price Center
Someone had to finish last in the Chancellor’s Challenge
Fantasy basketball player has fantasy friends, life.
Falsified Quote
“I, for one, intentionally voted for Buchanan.” -Rabbi Moische, Palm Beach, FL