MQ
H G U O R H T ! ! ! E Volume VII M I T Volume VII Issue II
Issue V
University of California, San Diego
March 7, 2001
God Creates Universe Earns Blue Ribbon and Envy of Peers
By James Meeker Low-priority Deity The Dawn of Time – Child prodigy God surprised family and friends alike last Saturday when he took the first place prize in the annual Science Fair held by the Young Deities’ Academy. God, whose late-entry project was not expected to win any honors, was amazed that he claimed the Science Fair’s top honor for his creation of the universe. “I’m so excited,” said God, as he proudly displayed his first-prize ribbon. “I worked so hard on this project. While there are a number of minor flaws — such as illness, death, and Celine Dion — I’m pretty happy with the overall product. I do wish I had figured out how to make the sky with orange and green stripes, instead of that boring blue color...but hey, nobody’s perfect, right?” Officials for the Young Deities’ Academy have stated that this is the most ambitious project to come out of the Science Fair in recent eons, and that they are pleased with the colossal undertaking of their student. However, other participants in the Fair have
voiced their skepticism of the legitimacy of God’s project, raising questions as to whether or not God was able to create the universe by Himself. “I heard that His dad helped him,” said Norse god Thor, whose project “The Collection and Use of Atmospheric Electricity” won an honorable mention. “A month ago He was struggling to understand the principles behind the effects of temperature and moisture on mold growth, and then He suddenly figured out how to create an incredibly complicated universe, complete with heavens and firmament and an intricate ecosystem? I think it’s obvious that He had a lot of help with this one.” “It’s just not fair,” said secondplace winner Buddha. “I worked for like three months on my “Scientific Nature of Inner Peace and Tranquility” project. I spent hours in the library researching the sound made by one hand clapping, as well as whether or not an empty bowl of rice has a noticeable taste. Meanwhile God just throws something together in a week and wins first prize.” Buddha paused for a moment to ascend to a higher level of Nirvana, then continued, say-
Venice catches “Mona Fever”
photo by James Meeker
Judges called God’s “Universe” the best science fair project ever.
ing “It’s not like it’s a particularly good universe, anyway.” God denied the allegations that he had received any outside help which may have violated the rules of the Science Fair. “I think it’s sad that they’re letting a bunch of petty jealousy overshadow My accomplishment,” he said. “I like
to think that if I had lost, I wouldn’t have been so small-minded. I created everything in My universe by Myself. Well, everything except for organized religion. That was Satan’s doing. But the heaven and earth and the birds and the fish and the platypus—they’re all Mine.
Those damn telemarketers interupt godly activities
Sex Invented, More to Come! By Elijah Zarlin Single-celled Sex Machine 3 Billion BC—Last Saturday night, two multi-cellular flagellated organisms accidentally invented a new bodily function. They’re calling it Sex. Sex has spread like molten lava and has quickly become the most popular new trend throughout primordial soup everywhere. In fact, organisms just can’t seem to get enough Sex. They are engaging in it constantly and have even started coming up with new names for the activity, such as “sinkin’ the cilia” and “vacuatin’ the vacuoles.” Though sales of popular headache and stress medications have dropped drastically in the last few days, many leading medical researchers are worried about the new trend. “This could really slow down reproduction, and the advancement of species,” said one noted scientist. “It suddenly seems as if these organisms are no longer interested in dividing themselves — almost as if they’re no longer asexual. How will we adapt? How will we develop genetic mutations? We are looking into something called Incest as a means of evolving, but the results have thus
photo by The Michael Zank and Elijah Zarlin
Two swingin’ single-celled organisms demonstrate the new process. Cowboy hat and lawnchair are, of course, optional.
far been pretty horrifying.” The comments of many organisms new to the activity seem to confirm the fears of the researchers. Said one swinging ciliate, “Who wants to devote all of their time to developing genetic mutations when you can go out and have a good screw?” Another added, “I’ve needed this for about
a billion years. It beats sex with myself hands down.” When asked about how the two organisms happened upon Sex, one of them — who was indistinguishable from the other — replied, “we may have consumed a few too many aldehydes and ketones that night, cause I sure was fucked up! Then it just kind of hap-
pened.” It seems that Sex is only the beginning of a trend of new physical processes. When organisms are waiting around for other organisms with whom to engage in Sex, they can now try something new called Masturbation. “Or floggin’ the flagella, as I prefer,” insists the organism that invented Masturbation. “It’s like Sex, but by yourself…it’s different than that old asexual reproduction crap though. I’m almost starting to like it better — no pressure to perform, no cuddling afterward and best of all, I know just the right way to rub my ribosomes.” For those who haven’t yet caught on yet, The Plasma-Sutra is a “how to” book about Sex whose publication is slated for early next year. Perhaps a better way to get instruction is through one of the many new sites devoted to Sex on the Information Super Pond. These sights contain pictures and movies of all kinds of Sex, including teen, interorganism, and multiorganism — also called Golgi Banging. These sites do require a membership fee payable by credit card. Charges will appear discretely on your bill. For more info visit: http://pond.wildcellfucking.com.
Shiva grows another arm; has one up on those other gods
Falsified Quote
“Don’t thank me yet, just wait for the cheese fries.” –God