MQ
H G U O R H T ! ! ! E Volume VII M I T Volume VII Issue II
Issue V
University of California, San Diego
March 7, 2001
God Creates Universe Earns Blue Ribbon and Envy of Peers
By James Meeker Low-priority Deity The Dawn of Time – Child prodigy God surprised family and friends alike last Saturday when he took the first place prize in the annual Science Fair held by the Young Deities’ Academy. God, whose late-entry project was not expected to win any honors, was amazed that he claimed the Science Fair’s top honor for his creation of the universe. “I’m so excited,” said God, as he proudly displayed his first-prize ribbon. “I worked so hard on this project. While there are a number of minor flaws — such as illness, death, and Celine Dion — I’m pretty happy with the overall product. I do wish I had figured out how to make the sky with orange and green stripes, instead of that boring blue color...but hey, nobody’s perfect, right?” Officials for the Young Deities’ Academy have stated that this is the most ambitious project to come out of the Science Fair in recent eons, and that they are pleased with the colossal undertaking of their student. However, other participants in the Fair have
voiced their skepticism of the legitimacy of God’s project, raising questions as to whether or not God was able to create the universe by Himself. “I heard that His dad helped him,” said Norse god Thor, whose project “The Collection and Use of Atmospheric Electricity” won an honorable mention. “A month ago He was struggling to understand the principles behind the effects of temperature and moisture on mold growth, and then He suddenly figured out how to create an incredibly complicated universe, complete with heavens and firmament and an intricate ecosystem? I think it’s obvious that He had a lot of help with this one.” “It’s just not fair,” said secondplace winner Buddha. “I worked for like three months on my “Scientific Nature of Inner Peace and Tranquility” project. I spent hours in the library researching the sound made by one hand clapping, as well as whether or not an empty bowl of rice has a noticeable taste. Meanwhile God just throws something together in a week and wins first prize.” Buddha paused for a moment to ascend to a higher level of Nirvana, then continued, say-
Venice catches “Mona Fever”
photo by James Meeker
Judges called God’s “Universe” the best science fair project ever.
ing “It’s not like it’s a particularly good universe, anyway.” God denied the allegations that he had received any outside help which may have violated the rules of the Science Fair. “I think it’s sad that they’re letting a bunch of petty jealousy overshadow My accomplishment,” he said. “I like
to think that if I had lost, I wouldn’t have been so small-minded. I created everything in My universe by Myself. Well, everything except for organized religion. That was Satan’s doing. But the heaven and earth and the birds and the fish and the platypus—they’re all Mine.
Those damn telemarketers interupt godly activities
Sex Invented, More to Come! By Elijah Zarlin Single-celled Sex Machine 3 Billion BC—Last Saturday night, two multi-cellular flagellated organisms accidentally invented a new bodily function. They’re calling it Sex. Sex has spread like molten lava and has quickly become the most popular new trend throughout primordial soup everywhere. In fact, organisms just can’t seem to get enough Sex. They are engaging in it constantly and have even started coming up with new names for the activity, such as “sinkin’ the cilia” and “vacuatin’ the vacuoles.” Though sales of popular headache and stress medications have dropped drastically in the last few days, many leading medical researchers are worried about the new trend. “This could really slow down reproduction, and the advancement of species,” said one noted scientist. “It suddenly seems as if these organisms are no longer interested in dividing themselves — almost as if they’re no longer asexual. How will we adapt? How will we develop genetic mutations? We are looking into something called Incest as a means of evolving, but the results have thus
photo by The Michael Zank and Elijah Zarlin
Two swingin’ single-celled organisms demonstrate the new process. Cowboy hat and lawnchair are, of course, optional.
far been pretty horrifying.” The comments of many organisms new to the activity seem to confirm the fears of the researchers. Said one swinging ciliate, “Who wants to devote all of their time to developing genetic mutations when you can go out and have a good screw?” Another added, “I’ve needed this for about
a billion years. It beats sex with myself hands down.” When asked about how the two organisms happened upon Sex, one of them — who was indistinguishable from the other — replied, “we may have consumed a few too many aldehydes and ketones that night, cause I sure was fucked up! Then it just kind of hap-
pened.” It seems that Sex is only the beginning of a trend of new physical processes. When organisms are waiting around for other organisms with whom to engage in Sex, they can now try something new called Masturbation. “Or floggin’ the flagella, as I prefer,” insists the organism that invented Masturbation. “It’s like Sex, but by yourself…it’s different than that old asexual reproduction crap though. I’m almost starting to like it better — no pressure to perform, no cuddling afterward and best of all, I know just the right way to rub my ribosomes.” For those who haven’t yet caught on yet, The Plasma-Sutra is a “how to” book about Sex whose publication is slated for early next year. Perhaps a better way to get instruction is through one of the many new sites devoted to Sex on the Information Super Pond. These sights contain pictures and movies of all kinds of Sex, including teen, interorganism, and multiorganism — also called Golgi Banging. These sites do require a membership fee payable by credit card. Charges will appear discretely on your bill. For more info visit: http://pond.wildcellfucking.com.
Shiva grows another arm; has one up on those other gods
Falsified Quote
“Don’t thank me yet, just wait for the cheese fries.” –God
EDITORIAL HISTORY
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March 7, 2001
MQ Senior Editors Decide to Leave Newspaper Moss, Powell to retire to life of rolled tacos, hating MQ By Geoff Moss Editor-in-Chief In a not-so-surprising decision, MQ Editor-inChief Geoff Moss and Assistant Editor Sean Powell have decided to make their last decision as editors: get as far away from the MQ as possible. “Well,” the terribly handsome Editor-in-Chief confesses, “I knew this couldn’t last forever. And quite frankly, the jig was up. t’s best to jump ship before the whole thing goes up in flames.” He couldn’t be more right. The MQ has been on a huge upswing for the past few years, with each issue surpassing the previous in quality. It is definitely headed for a huge downfall. “Thank God we decided to get out before it really started to suck,” explained an equally hunky Sean Powell. “I mean, we’re at the point where if we quit
now, our girlfriends might still talk to us; and that’s a risk we’re willing to take.” As for the fate of the humor newspaper, that’s anyone’s guess. “Shit,” explains Moss, “we did decide on successors and stuff, but I really don’t give a damn anymore. I can honestly say that Sean and I would rather be eating rolled tacos and sipping margaritas, than giving a rat’s ass about this Godforsaken newspaper.” And margaritas there will be; Powell later revealed that he had liquidated the MQ’s assets and was planning a run to Jimbo’s Liquor. Moss, on the other hand, was crunching numbers to see just how many rolled tacos they could get for $437. In the end, there are two things that can be said about Geoff and Sean’s tenure with the MQ: it lasted four years, and now it’s over.
Powell (left) and Moss (right) bid adieu to the MQ.
photo by Mike Selvaggio
MQ Staff
Editor-in-Chief – Geoff Moss Asst. Editor – Sean Powell Content Editor – Colin Parent Asst. Content Editor – Jasmine de Lung Design Editor – Liz Erwin Asst. Design Editor – Reid Barrett Webmaster – Angela Cash Human Aquisitions – Nick Lieberknecht Legal Consultant – Skippy Pinipper External Relations – Mike Selvaggio Research and Development – Elijah Zarlin Business Manager – Megan Laver Advisor – Patty Mahaffey SOLO Advisor – Randy Woodard
The MQ Press Corps: Making up history for 12 years.
photo by Mahaffey, PI
“The views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ and our members. While the MQ is a registered student organization at the University of California, San Diego, the University neither supports nor endorses this publication or its contents. Additionally, the views expressed in this publication do not represent those of the University of California, the Regents, their officers, or employees. The members of the MQ as publishers of the MQ are entirely responsible for its content and they bear the full legal responsibility for any and all consequences arising from its publication.” The MQ is intended to be read for entertainment purposes only. No guarantee of validity is or should be assumed with any of its content. Some content or individuals are referred to out of spoof or satire. Any similarity between fictional characters and actual events is purely coincidental. If you have a problem, you can kiss our ass. Then write us an e-mail: mq@ucsd.edu.
MQ Staff Justin Williams Hal Melom Michael Truex Jeffrey Trattner Michael Catinari Melissa Falcon Meg O’Neill Lindsay Boyd Sean Kane Ivan Wick Irene Lee Laura McGann
James Meeker Ron Darbee Jacob Campos Lisa Keagy Sharon Shapiro David Anderson Erika Cheng Stephanie Chen Justin Gardner Randi Lee Jeff MacGurn
PRE-HISTORIC HUMOR
March 7, 2001
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Teasing in School Continues to be a Problem Tyrannosaurus picked last, mocked for gimpy arms By Elijahsaurus Dinosaur 75,000,000 B.C.E. PANGEA– Even in the modern, forward-thinking times of the Cretaceous period, teasing in school continues to be a problem. Such disrespect was typical among the children of the un-evolved asexual, single celled life forms of billions of years ago, but what many of today’s species do not realize is that it’s still happening, and it’s worse than ever. One youngster, hit especially hard by the emotional abuse of such big schoolyard bullies as Brachiosaurus and Allosaurus, is Tyrannosaurus Rex. “They tease me because of my gimpy arms, my high voice and my small size,” says the perpetually depressed 6 th grader. “They always make me play high post in basketball, just ‘cause they know I can’t get boards or play tough D…That is, when they pick me at all. If they do, the players on the other team throw me the ball, just because they know I can’t catch it.”
Yet this teasing seems only the tip of the palm frond for Tyrannosaurus. “When I run, my arms flap around a little. They call me ‘Gayosaurus.’ But I’m not a Gayosaurus. I’m not.” Pausing to wipe a tear from his eye Tyrannosaurus continued. “The other 6th graders go on and on about the all-natural, organic vegetarian lunches that their moms make for them. They say mean things about my balogna with mayo on Wonder Bread. I have to eat it in the bathroom so they don’t see me. Sometimes I wish I’d never been hatched.” The purveyors of this abuse seem to show little remorse for their cruel actions. When asked about their behavior, Allosaurus replied, “You mean what we do to Gimpy Gayosaurus? The Balogna Butt Brain? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks Everything? It’s no big deal. All in good fun. He just can’t take a joke.” Brachiosaurus also doesn’t seem to take the issue seriously, adding, “Gimpy is always talking about getting back at us some day.
How his little daddy’s gonna come protect him just as soon as he gets out of jail for double murders. Sure. He probably got arrested on charges of excessive gimpyness. ‘Oh, Hi Mr. Gimpy arms…no, weren’t teasing Gimpy junior. He’s our best high post…’ What’s the guy gonna do, eat me?” Many worry that if these problems aren’t put to a stop now, they may continue unabated for years to come. A prominent academic Socioligisaurus states “These social trends have better staying power than cockroaches. It’s possible that the trend wouldn’t even be stopped by an enormous meteor hitting the earth, causing a huge cloud of dust that halts all life as we know it. Not that that’s gonna happen. I’m just saying…” Parents can help by beating their little sauruses senseless if they are observed teasing other sauruses.Withholding PlaystationTwosaurus privileges has also proven to be an effective deterrent. For the sake of little Gimpy Gayosaurus, we must work
Local Caveman Invents Fire By Nick Thaler Caveman 2,100,000 B.C.E., CHINA – A local man stunned the international scientific community last Wednesday with the invention of fire. Fire, which promises to be the latest fad among young homo erecti, is made of “very hot stuff that burns,” according to it’s creator, Professor Thork Thorkbork. Thorkbork, a powerfully built
man at a strapping 5’2” and 114 pounds, unveiled his invention at the local Sun God harvest. He displayed the awesome power of fire by placing it on various straw huts, where it grew and spread to magnificent proportions. Onlookers hooted and beat their heads as the inhabitants of the huts screamed in agony while the magnificent flames blessed them with the touch of the Sun God. Some protested that this “fire”
Photo by Liz Erwin
Professor Thorkbork shows how his new “fire” isn’t just a tool of destruction.
was hurting them–a claim that Thorkbork vehemently denied. He then proceeded to take a burning brand of the flames and plunge his face in it. Some time later when he awoke, he admitted that “they were probably right.” Despite this setback and others, including the destruction of the entire village, Thorkbork and others are far from discouraged. “Beware, evildoers,” says High Turtle Shaman Grog Borkdud. “With the powers of the Sun God himself at our disposal we will be able to sack and destroy every other village around us. You will all burn…BURN!” Warrior Thugo Muggo agrees. “Other tribes, they have bow and arrow. Our tribe, we have flaming bow and arrow. This is good.” It was a moving speech that was then greeted by many enthusiastic hoots and hitting of rocks. Thorkbork cautions that fire “is not just a tool of destruction.” He promoted other theoretical uses of his invention, including a source of light, a method to make food taste better, and a way to stay warm during the winter. Muggo and others scoff at these ideas. “Let soft men find soft uses for Sun God’s gift. We’re off to burn some villagers.”
photo by Elijah Zarlin and The Michael Zank
“Hmm... Allosaurus or T-rex... I’ll take Allosaurus! Looks like you’re last again, T-rex. God, you fucking suck!”
together to stop this problem. Tyrannosaurus Rex Senior is serving 5 Million to Life on charges of Statutory Consumption (The eating of Minors,) Geriatric Con-
sumption, Lawyer Consumption, and Persistent Movie Villianism. He can make parole for good dieting by 74.99 Million B.C.E.
Caveman Restaurant Review
By Dave Anderson Encino Man This month Grog review Hard Rock Cave. What can Grog say? Rock at Hard Rock very hard. That about sum it up. Food display unusual quaint essence and complex aromatic sensation, along with appealing visual capacity. Okay, Grog no know what that mean. But it sound smart, yes? Well, Grog take short, stocky, ape-like Neanderthal woman to Hard Rock Cave. She very impressed. Full of beautiful painting of antelope, which Grog and friends chase. Good thing fire recently invented, otherwise very dark in cave. Word to wise though, fire hot. No touch. Grog find out hard way when try to pick up light. No understand fire, live with fire though. Cook food with fire. Tonight, though, Grog let Hard Rock Cave cook food with fire. Hard Rock Cave not only serve rock. Also serve antelope meat, many nut, berry, leaf, and shoot in season. Antelope meat blackened and overcooked, but since no other food available anywhere and many starving, pretty good. Not season for berry and leaf yet, but shoot tender and green. Good thing Ice Age pretty much over. Grog tired of just antelope and rock. Overall, Grog give Hard Rock Cave two thumb up. Good thing Grog have opposable thumb.
–4 Billion BCE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 75 Million BCE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 70 Million BCE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 60 Million BCE– MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 1800 CE –
Primordial soup begins with beef bouillon base.
These chairs are really uncomfortable!!!” cries Megasoreass community.
Dinosaur fossil fuel reserves running low.
Brontosaurus changes name to Apatosaurus.
Stegosaurus to Triceratops: “There’s something on your nose.” Long, Long, Ago, In a galaxy far, far away: Jar-Jar Binks is brutally murdered.
Dinosaurs before impact: “HOLY LIVING FUCK!”
CAVEMEN
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March 7, 2001
Many cavemen welcome change in climate and are ready to hit the beaches By James Meeker Pre-historic Meteorologist 100,000 B.C.E., SANTA CRUZ–Last Thursday, the Shamans for Ecological Conservation (SEC), an intertribal advocacy group dedicated to environmental preservation, announced the findings of a recent study which indicate that the global temperature is rising at an alarming rate. The SEC warns that unless the various tribes take immediate action, there will almost certainly be continued global warming. “We have determined that the temperature is rising at an average of one degree every thirty-two moons,” said Ayla Thunderthighs, spokesperson for the SEC. “If we do not act soon, and the temperatures continue to rise, we will be
unable to ignore the changes to our environment. The glaciers will begin to melt, causing the great waters to rise and flood the land. Many of the native plants and animals will be unable to adapt to the increase in temperature, and will go to join the gods in the Plains of Eternity. The frost spirit Gul will no longer cover the earth. This warming may very well usher in an end to the Ice Age.” The SEC believes that the increase in temperature is due in large part to pollution, and has proposed measures that the tribes should take to deal with this issue. “We have divined that the fires the tribes use emit many evils into the air, which cause the air to grow warm with their essence,” said Ayla. “It is because of this that the temperature is rising. Based on our findings, we recom-
mend that the tribes refrain from using fire, to keep the warming from turning into a disaster of unprecendented proportions. The tribes should also make sacrifices to the Great Glowing God in the Sky, to appease his fury and wrath.” In response to the recommendations of the SEC, the Grand Tribal Council convened to discuss the problem of global warming. “We appreciate the views expressed by the SEC,” said tribal spokesman Gnor Hairybum, “But let’s think about this. Sure, the waters will rise, animals will die, things will change. But it will be warm. If it’s a choice between chipping the icicles off of my asshair and shivering in my cave, or sunning myself on a tropical beach with a margarita and a hairless woman, I know what I’ll choose. Mammoths be damned!”
photo by James Meeker
Global warming increases the number of hot cavewomen in bikinis. Cavemen are developing aerosols and internal combustion engines to augment this effect.
Homo Sapien “Mama” Gives Birth to Neanderthal Baby: Newborn reported to be “butt ugly” By Jasmine de Lung Caveman Husbandry Specialist
photo by The Michael Zank
Flathead successfully wooed Mandible with this line: Hey baby, want to go to the jungle and bone?
Roman Senate Shocker! Latest Election News: With his liberal views and freshly pressed toga, Strom Thurmond secured victory over heavilyfavored incumbent Senator Monstrous Cockulus. photo by Liz Erwin
100,000 B.C.E., AFRICA –In a disheartening press conference Tuesday night, fellow homo sapien, admirably named Retracted Mandible, was reported to have fornicated approximately 9 months ago with a Neanderthal by the name of Flathead. Mandible’s parents had kept the resulting pregnancy a secret from the media until the child was born on Friday morning. There has been audible uproar among the Neanderthals, while the Homo Sapiens have resigned themselves to shaking heads and whispering derogatory comments.
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There had been much dispute as to whether it was even possible that a Homo Sapien could mate with a Neanderthal, but these new findings have left scientists on both sides completely baffled. Homo Sapien biologists have pointed out that “The DNA could be similar enough because both we and Neanderthal man did descend from Homo Erectus. ” When asked for their opinions on the matter, Neanderthal scientists grunted and exposed themselves. Mandible claims that she never consented to the intercourse, that Flathead “forced his short, longarmed, hairy body” on her. When questioned, Mandible’s best friend and confidante hesitantly
revealed that for months now, Mandible and Flathead have been giving each other the eye underneath their overdeveloped brow ridges. “I don’t know why she would go for him. He walks like an ape, and those [Neanderthals] don’t even know how to use fire properly!” Flathead and friends have been celebrating this “giant leap” for Neanderthals, while Mandible and her family have been repeatedly harassed for “reversing the evolutionary ladder.” This regression has caused much brow-knitting among scientific communities and laymen alike. The newborn is reported to be “butt ugly.”
Reasons the Egyptians Built the Pyramids
10. That rising Nile 9. Increase property value 8. Tourism 7. Better reception 6. Join gods in afterlife 5. Alien beacon 4. Keep the Jews busy 3. Grain silo 2. Great spheres kept rolling away 1. Penile extension of Ramses II
– 35,000 BCE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE –30,000 BCE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 4,000 BCE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 3,000 BCE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – BCE –
Cavemen discover sex.
“Too bad about Sodom Moses to Pharaoh: Cro-Magnon Senate outand Gomorrah, those let my people go. laws dragging mate by guys knew how to Cavemen discover tools. hair. party.” Pharaoh to Moses: why don’t you Cavemen discover sex God creates the world. play Hide and Go Fuck Yourself. with stone tools.
se
GOD SMACK
March 7, 2001
David Beats Goliath
Jewish Rabble-Rouser Captured By Officer Paddy O’Furniture A Guy Who Knows Jesus of Nazareth, a Jewish man traveling from village to village claiming to be the Son of God, was apprehended late Sunday night in a garden in Gethsemane. Jesus, who incited unrest and mass loitering among his Jewish followers, was found with eleven of his closest followers and one unnamed undercover agent who helped the Roman guard apprehend the now-convicted blasphemer. The centurion in charge of the strike
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force asserts that it was an elaborate operation, and had been in the planning phases for weeks beforehand. “Secret signals had to be worked out, a massive tailing operation undertaken, and of course an infiltration scheme is never an easy task. But in the end, we got our man.” Pontius Pilate (R), who is considering a run for Roman Senate with a tough-on-blasphemy image, codified the conviction early on Monday morning. Jesus was later taken to Golgatha and crucified, along with two unnamed robbers. The body was later turned over to a Joseph of Arimathea.
in Colossal Upset
photo by “The” Michael Zank
The thrill of victory and the agony of getting beaten down by a guy one-eighteenth your size.
By Sean Powell Biblical Bob Costas The entire Holy Land was shocked last Saturday when David, underdog of underdogs, defeated the heavily-favored Goliath. “I’m going to Jerusalem!” David yelled exultantly when asked where he would go next, as his fans and supporters poured a cooler of Gatorade over his head. Although Goliath had been leading the league in victories, heads crushed by heavy stones, and pummelings, and had a 4-5 favorite to beat David, the Philistine was never really in the fight. “He just didn’t seem prepared at all,” said one fan, wearing the official T-shirt of
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Goliath’s fan club, the “Goliath Get Up Squad.” “That little guy David just wanted it more.” The fight was a quick one. One shot from David’s slingshot, nicknamed the “Worldly Whacker” by sportswriters, was all it took to bring the heavy favorite down. David, now the world champion in all weight classes, will be defending his belt in a few weeks in Jerusalem against Yekzebelsheharazeb the Outlandish, the champion from the mysterious, pagan orient. David was optimistic about the fight, saying “I have good quick, jabs, and God on my side. I’d like to see someone beat me. Bring it on!”
Things Wars Have Been Started Over
10. Roses
Joan of Ark Speaks!
9. People getting all a-dither
The Official Interview
8. British soccer games
By Colin Parent Chief Inquisitor MQ: May I call you Joan? Arc: Sweet merciful Lord! I am on fire! Please my God, deliver me from this torture! MQ: So, Joan, you’ve had quite a stunning few years. Arc: Oh please God, make the burning stop! How have I angered you lord! Oh my legs! MQ: What do you think has been your greatest achievement? Is it saving France from English rule, or ensuring the ascension of Charles VII? Arc: Won’t some one please help me!? Please just untie me! Oh please Lord, save me from my persecutors! MQ: Do you feel any resentment for being sentenced to death by the same church that you claimed to support? Arc: Prepare your kingdom for me oh lord! MQ: Miss Arc? Miss Arc?
7. The oppressive policies of the evil trade federation 6. That armpit of Europe called the Balkans 5. A really great recipe for “Chile con Carne” 4. Helen of Troy 3. $3.57 2.Things Catholics think are important 1. Who has better weapons
– 3,000 BCE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 2,000 BCE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 1,500 BCE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 1,200 BCE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 100 CE –
Aliens build pyramids at Giza.
Egyptians drink fetid, rotten grain matter; take credit for inventing beer.
Invention of Abacus renders fingers obsolete.
Egyptians forget how to make beer, society resumes progress.
Oedipus premieres; audience captivated by surprise ending.
MORE FAKE HISTORY
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March 7, 2001
Bodies Stacking up in Salem Massachusetts officials consider burnings
By Justin Williams Witch Exterminator Salem, 1692 – As if the overwhelming presence of the High Lord of Evil and Darkness weren’t enough, the small, rural town of Salem, Massachusetts, is now faced with another serious and troublesome malady: rotting corpse stench. In recent weeks, the combination of public hangings and unsanitary, over-crowded jailing facilities has served to add more than thirteen bodies to the rotten piles of human flesh already stacking up behind the Salem courthouse. “I just don’t understand it,”
commented Rev. Samuel Parris. “According to Ye Olde Book of Religiously-Validated Self-Righteousness, which we have used extensively in these trials, the corpses should have instantly liquefied and seeped deep into the Earth to rejoin their evil Horned Master. But here they are, stinking up my dutiful, pious township.” “A pile of bodies wouldn’t normally stink this bad,” said Governor William Phips in court yesterday, after several townspeople had filed formal complaints about the smell. “Those damned witches are using their evil powers to make the stench worse. They’re trying to scare us into sparing their lives!”
claimed Phips. The courts have already tried different methods of reducing the stench, one of several being pressing the bodies flat under a pile of heavy stone.“Well, we thought if the corpse was flatter, it might stink less,” said local executioner and former choir boy Geoffrey Peat. “We stacked a whole bunch of rocks on this old guy’s chest and, well, it turns out the smelly stuff just comes out faster that way.” While the courts are still undecided as to the best way to execute the town’s remaining demon-seed, many justices are unofficially favoring public burnings over hangings. “That way,” stated Justice William Stroughton, “the witches will die, and the general, God-fearing public can still bring the kids out for a good show. None of those new-fangled marshmallows, though,” continued Stroughton. “With all that sickening, sugary goodness, a crisp, flaky outside and a liquid-hot melted inside. Those things are the Devil!”
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photo by Liz Erwin
Virginia Adams and Abigail Smith escape the gut-wrenching stench of rotting sinners by knitting, washing, and cooking. The Iraqi gas masks don’t hurt though.
Samuel Adams Proposes “Kegger Clause” in Constitution Massachusetts quickly becomes the first state to ratify photo by Liz Erwin and The Michael Zank
Cortes discovers New New World: Mexican Food By Geoff Moss World Explorer 1519, New New World – Explorer Hernan Cortes, bastard son of the Spanish Empire, has discovered a vast new land. He calls this mysterious and beautiful land “Cortes-land” and he’s claimed it in the name of Spain. “The way I understand it,” Cortes reveals, “the people living here had no idea they were in the New World. That means I discovered it and discovered them. Finally, a place where Spaniards everywhere can rape and pillage with a clean conscience.” Upon his arrival, Cortes and his men were greeted by an envoy sent by indigenous leader Moctezuma II. The procedure for first contact situations, as outlined in the Handbook for Spanish Explorers, is very clear: “The first rule is to demonstrate technological superiority. This means you should shoot the strangers. Next, trample them with horses. Only when the trampling has commenced can the raping and pillaging begin. It is imperative
that no raping and pillaging take place before the trampling by horse!” And trample they did, all in the name of spreading civility to the new New World. In addition to the vast land acquisition and throngs of oppressible peoples, the Spanish Empire has a new jewel: Mexican food. This strange genre of food consists of any permutation of cheese, tortillas (a type of flatbread), chicken, beef, and tomatoes. The combinations seem strange, yet endless. “The way I see it,” Cortes explained to the Spanish Royal Court, “you have to eat something in-between killing thousands of indigenous people.” Cortes continued, “Besides, it would be disrespectful to eat anything other than their native food.” For the present, Hernan Cortes is a Spanish hero. He has discovered a new New World in the name of the Spanish crown. This new New World is tentatively being called “Mexicolon.” Other working names are “Mexi-ville,” “Mexico,” and “New Mexico.”
By Elijah Zarlin Constitutional Delegate January 1788, Philadelphia – Great men last week gathered to draft amendments to the United States Constitution — a document drafted whence the same great men last May 1787 in Philadelphia gathered to draft that document. Fuck it! Dear readers, I refuse to kowtow to the current and contemporary journalistic standards of writing incomprehensibly. If you can’t deal, go try to wade through some Thomas-fuckingPaine. The proposed amendments included the rights to freedom of speech, freedom of religion, the ability to petition the government for a redress of grievances, and of course, a guarantee of unlimited free beer. Many prominent political players such as James Madison, John Hancock, General George Washington and Samuel Adams were in attendance to brainstorm the amendments to our constitution. The purpose of these amendments is to enumerate the rights that all the people of the United States get to enjoy. Except for Blacks who, because of a prevailing racist, small-minded and bigoted ideology, will likely receive only 3/5ths of these rights. While Madison and Hancock were in top form, proposing many
worthwhile amendments, it was Adams who made perhaps the largest contribution. In the middle of the discussion about the right to freedom of the press, Adams, who had been quiet until then, suddenly came to life. Sitting in the back of the room and nursing a pitcher of stout, Adams abruptly raised his glass and shouted, “I’ll tell you one truth I hold to be self evident,” before downing his frosty mug in under 2 seconds. A short applause followed and the men began to debate the issues, while Adams yelled “Hey Madison! You big sissy! Get back here and take a swig of this shit. I’m SO fucked up!” General Washington seemed to agree with Adams about the im-
portance of Beer to a democratic nation. Said Washington, “It must be insured that the government does not strip we, the people in a nation under God, of our inalienable rights as citizens. The most significant of those being the freedoms of speech, association, religion, press, petition—and perhaps most importantly—man’s ability to get wicked shitty.” After an hour of boisterous “debate” all the men were too drunk to stand. Many had adjourned to the street, were driving their carriages as fast as possible and were raucously repeating the words “fuck the Queen,” to the tune of Yankee Doodle. God bless this great country of ours! Let us only hope it remains as great.
photo by The Michael Zank
With Pierce Butler of South Carolina threatening a filibuster over the “Kegger Clause,” Samuel Adams decided to lighten the mood with a pony keg of his finest microbrew. The rest is history.
– 1200 BCE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 1200 BCE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 1400 BCE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 1600 BCE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 1800 BCE –
Trojans “stoked” about new pet horse. Athenians on Socrates: “He asks dumb questions.”
Atlantis sinks.
Roman Senate debates campaign finance reform.
Atlantis secedes from Greek Empire.
Russell Crowe, “Maximus,” starts kicking Roman Senate’s ass.
Caesar invents salad.
March 7, 2001
Page 7
STUFF AND STUFF
Newton Invents Fucking Calculus
College Students Pissed By Jimmy Bennet Pissed Student 1600ish, ENGLAND – Today the scientific community was stunned and amazed by the invention of calculus, which allows them to create mathematical models for all sorts of physical phenomena. Despite this excitement among scientists, young college students are said to be “really bummed out.” “Dude, college used to be totally cool before this calculus bullshit,” said one angry student. “We used to study history and philosophy and all that interesting stuff, but now it’s nothing but derivatives and integrals and all
that crap. And what is up with those little “D’s” everywhere, I mean, what the hell?” Many other students share his disappointment. Even the Engineering students, whose work will be enhanced so much by knowing calculus, are upset at the prospect of studying these new concepts. “Man, my differential equations class used to be the easiest thing. Without any derivatives, the Professor was totally lost. He’d solve algebra problems on the board and call them ‘0th order differential equations;’ for homework we’d stare at a blank piece of paper for like a half an hour. But this calculus stuff’s ass hard.”
1830, C OSTA R ICA – As the United States rushes to settle territory west of the continental divide, some nations that have their act together are experiencing a lot more success. The United States has been beaten in its desire for a “manifest destiny,” or annexing territory from the Atlantic Ocean
to the Pacific. Costa Rica was, on September 15 of this year, granted independence from the kingdom of Spain and immediately fulfilled a manifest destiny. Whereas some experts estimate it will be decades before the United States can annex land as far away as California, Costa Rica has defied expectations by simply being formed straddling both oceans. Nice try, America— but Costa Rica has already “reached the costa!”
photo by Sean Powell
Newton pictured here thinking of new ways to make your life more difficult.
1870, GERMANY – According to friends and acquaintances of Friedrich Nietzsche, the renowned German philosopher can, at times be “a real drag”. “Ever since he got into all that philosophy stuff he’s been, like, really depressing,” said Hans Vorwerg, Nietzsche’s roommate and childhood friend. “The other day I invited him to come see a play with me. I was going out and thought he might like to get out of the house for a little while, you know? No big deal. Anyway, he just starts going off about how I’m a sheep, and that I just go to the theater because others have told me that there is value to it, and that I need to break free of these societal chains and determine my own values or I’ll die after having lived a meaningless life. He just went on and on and on...I felt like a fox in a trap. I was seriously ready to chew my leg off to escape. I mean, Jesus Christ, I just wanted to go to a show!” Vorwerg continued, saying “It’s kind of sad really. We used to be pretty close, until he started going all philosophical on my ass. I mean, granted he’s in a syphilitic mania most of the time now, but still, I just can’t deal with him anymore.”
MQ Meetings Are a Blast! You’re invited! Come by and make the funny with us! (Yeah!) Costa Rica goin’ to the coast.
Photo by Jimmy Bennet
Go Away!
The University of San Diego invites you to study in
Guadalajara!
.
“He’s a Real Drag” By James Meeker Also a Drag
Costa Rica Fulfills Manifest Destiny
By William Rehnquist Supreme Court Guy
Nietzsche’s Friends Say
June 23rd - August 3rd Earn up to 12 credits Live with a host family Travel on the weekends to Mexico City, Puerto Vallarta and more! Courses offered in art history, business, communications, dance, education, English, history, Latin American literature, Latino studies, political science, Spanish and music. For more information visit our website at:
www.acusd.edu/guadalajara or contact Shelley Smith at: (619) 260-7561 or
Wed.–7:30pm–Half Dome
P TO10
Reasons Rome Collapsed
10. Left home without their American Express cards. 9. They wore gay-ass togas 8. Had names like Dorkus and Dickus Headus. 7. Russell Crowe kicked their asses. 6. A meteor hit the earth, choking the atmosphere with dust, making the Romans extinct. 5. Rambo defeated them at Waterloo. 4. Christianity. 3. Excessive intercourse “wore them out.” 2. Failed to recognize frightful parallels between themselves and crum-
paid advertisement –50 BCE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 34 CE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 600 CE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 1100 CE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 1200 CE –
Jewish conspiracy kills Christ. Cleopatra gets it on with her army. That’s right, the whole army.
Pope wants good pastrami on rye, orders crusades.
Dark Ages begin; people stumble into furniture.
Christians kill a bunch. of people.
PUPPIES AND KITTENS
Page 8
March 7, 2001
Hoover a Flamer! by Sean Kane FBI Field Agent 1961, Washington D.C. – FBI Chief J. Edgar Hoover was allegedly spotted at a Washington D.C. Macy’s last Wednesday purchasing a strapless, low-cut evening dress. Hoover was apparently attempting to shop incognito, wearing a pair of novelty glasses complete with fake nose and mustache. The disguise was effective at fooling no one, raising concerns over recent FBI budget cutbacks. Any remaining doubt to Hoover’s true identity was dispelled when a fellow shopper, Mandy Hartwick, reportedly asked, “Hey Jay-Jay, how’s that investigation on Martin Luther King, Jr. going?” Hartwick claims Hoover responded by stating, “Oh, you know, pretty good, the boys I got stationed outside his house are finding some… er, I mean, Jay-Jay? Investigation? I assure you, Madame, I am just your average, every-day citizen treating myself, I
mean, my wife to a dress for my, I mean, her birthday. Goddamnit …” Witnesses reported that a sweaty Hoover then began to laugh nervously and slowly back away from Hartwick, before engaging in an awkward, full-on sprint to the nearest exit door. The incident has sparked further debate over the FBI Chief’s sexual proclivity. Speculators have long claimed that, along with tennis, jigsaw puzzles and blackmail, Hoover’s hobbies include dressing up in ladies’ clothing. Further suspicions have arisen from Hoover’s tendency to scribble “I ♥ JFK” in the margins of his legal pads during lengthy FBI meetings, and his apparent predilection for Judy Garland movies. “The man has seen way too many screenings of The Wizard of Oz, if you catch my drift,” said an FBI-insider, wishing to remain anonymous (and alive). He further (and needlessly) stated, “From what I hear, it’s no coincidence that his last name is
photo by James Meeker
Hoover seen here “just talking” to underwear model Steven Mansfield. Hoover and Mansfield left the store together, Mansfield in handcuffs.
‘Hoover,’ if you see what I’m getting at!” followed by a series of unnecessary and irritating winks and elbow-nudges. Hoover has publicly refuted allegations of any possible funny business, declaring himself “as
www.muirquarterly.com
UC President to Start New UC in San Diego by Colin Parent UC Regent
buying La Jolla real estate, Gates continued, “And imagine what it’ll California Governor Ronald do to the neighborhood, scores of Reagan announced yesterday a drive-throughs and hordes of allplan to expand the University of night taco shops! Students will be California to the San Diego com- walking from campus to whatever munity of La Jolla, a move many vile inexpensive food they desire!” La Jolla residents fear may create Gates, who had to stop the in“the wildest and most uncontrol- terview several times in order to lable party school in the nation.” shout racial epithets at his house Interviewed from his posh La servants, also expressed a concern Jolla residence, wealthy industri- over the number of “raging alist Winston Gates claimed that, keggers,” that would likely occur “With such good weather and after the creation of the new cambeautiful beaches, students won’t pus. “Did you know they aren’t be able to pay attention to their even going to have a business studies.” Pausing for a moment to school?” asked Gates, without alsip tea and to prohibit Jews from lowing time for an answer. “It’s lunacy! Without the stern discipline of fellow business majors, those hippie ‘biologists’ will run amok with their radical theories about ‘science’ and ‘evolution.’” Winston Gates, who spent the majority of the interview gulping martinis and clubbing baby seals, went on to mention that such a biologycentered educational program would likely produce something of a health epidemic. “What we are looking at here is no less than the largest potential herpes hotspot in the photo by Geoff or Sean nation.” This wild and crazy coed will spread free will and VD all over the quiet suberb of La Jolla.
straight as Rock Hudson.” He further added, “ … Not that there’s anything wrong with that!” but retracted the statement upon remembering that the year is 1961. In response to the shopping incident, Macy’s patron Angela
Beales commented, “Regardless of what’s going on with Hoover concerning…You know…one thing’s for certain: with his kind of build, that dress he bought wouldn’t look flattering at all! I hope he kept the receipt.”
Take These Blankets as a Sign of Good Faith
These Goddamn Blankets Are Infected With Smallpox!
By Sam Westerson Ambassador to the Indians
By Chief Squatting Buffalo Indian Chief
My fellow North Americans! As the U.S. Ambassador to the Indians, I wanted you to know that just because you are red-skinned savages and we are civilized white folk doesn’t mean we can’t all get along on this land that God meant for us to own. You have to understand—we are tired of fighting you, pushing you off your land, and hunting your children for sport. We are past all that now. The time has come for us to live together in peace on this great land, just like we did with the indians of the Northeast, before they all mysteriously vanished. Please take these blankets as a sign of our good will. After all, the winters can be very harsh where we have put your new home (we call it a “reservation”. Sounds fancy, huh?). We want you to be as comfortable as possible as we continue to move west to fulfill our manifest destiny. So take these blankets! They’re warm, soft, and they smell wonderful.
Oh, isn’t that nice? You want to give us blankets to keep us warm? Give me a fucking break! These Goddamn blankets are infected with smallpox! The second we touch these things, we are going to catch your filthy European germs, keel over and die. You white devils just can’t get enough of screwing us over, can you? It was bad enough when you people made us walk from Florida to Oklahoma. It was almost unbearable when you all started wearing those “Kill the Indians!” Tshirts. But this smallpox thing is just ridiculous. Did you really think we were going to just accept them when you bastards were giggling uncontrollably as you handed them to us? All I can say is this: You stupid cowpokes better watch it. Our shamens have told me that some day you’ll be in our casinos, and you’ll pick up a $1 chip, and bam! Smallpox will get you!
– 1200 CE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 1300 CE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 1400 CE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 1500 CE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 1600 CE –
Robin Hood gives too much to poor, starts stealing it back.
‘Oriental’ Culture discovered.
Holy Roman Empire deemed “none of the above.” 100 Years’ War goes into double overtime.
Martin Luther: Catholicism Sucks. Aztecs obsessed with disco, civilization crumbles.
MORE RECENT HUMOR
March 7, 2001
Page 9
U.S. Hockey Shocker! Article in the Past
U.S.S.R. Loss Chalked Up to Intoxication Written About This Article by Sean Powell PuckStop 1980, Lake Placid, NY – The United States hockey team defeated the U.S.S.R. yesterday in the gold medal semifinal. The win for the U.S. ranks as the biggest upset in modern Olympic and hockey history. Although the U.S. team was still excited about its vic-
tory this morning, the Soviets were just sobering up—literally. “When we learned we were going to play the Americans, we all figured we could drink a little vodka,” said Soviet right wing Alex Janov. “But a little became a lot, and pretty soon we were all slobbering drunk. Still, we weren’t worried because it was the Americans. I mean, they suck!” Janov then clamped his hand over his
photo by Mikhail Zankov
mouth and ran to the restroom. According to Janov, the Soviet players were so hammered that they could barely skate in straight lines. The U.S., on the other hand, was in tip-top shape. When asked if his players’ inebriation had anything to do with the defeat, Soviet coach Ivan Pomerenko said “Nyet...we usually play little tipsy. We’re the Russians.”
k n u r D Too !? ? y a l P to
Don’t mess with Texas...or Stolichnya! Drunk-ass Russians give up another goal.
by Colin Parent Contentacular
COULD IT BE?
Editor’s Note: We realize that byrunning this article, the MQ risks disrupting the space-time continiuum, thereby ending the universe. It’s a risk we’re willing to take. 2010–Astounding historians and journalists alike, a spokesperson from the Library of Congress announced today the discovery of an article written in the past about this very article. “This is amazing,” says Harvard History professor George Takahashi. Takahashi, who wore a gray suit with a Jerry Bear tie to his interview, was “astounded” to see this prediction of his attire in the article. “Not only was this article written about in the past, but that ancient author transcribed exactly this very quote!” Quantum physicist Juan McDaniel was skeptical about the ancient article’s authenticity. “It’s physically impossible, “ said McDaniel. “There’s just no way to write so accurately about the future.” Over the telephone interview, McDaniel excused himself for dropping the receiver after reading this sentence.” When asked to comment on this past article’s significance to his field, sci-fi author Harold Ellis admitted to not having read the aforementioned article. After reading it, Ellis was too distraught to answer our questions, having learned that in less than a week, his wife would be hit by a bus. “Why didn’t the author just tell me if she lives? Sweet Jesus, he knew I’d want to know!” Several prominent religious leaders have expressed strong doubts about this article’s legitimacy. Reverend Mathew Hartfield was particularly suspect of the article, claiming it threatened to violate some of the basic tenants of Christianity. “If that past author could write exactly what I’m saying now, then all notions I have of God’s gift of free will must be false. Damn.” Editor’s Note: Oh, we forgot to add that after you read this article you came over to the MQ office and had sex with all of our staff members of the appropriate sexual persuasion.]
Prohibition Was Never Repealed and Ugly People Never Got to Have Sex? The Last of the Ugly Finally Dead at 135 by the Elephant Man Pariah 2065 AD–Tonight the nation rejoiced as the last of a dying breed, the Ugly, kicked the bucket. They had been an eyesore for over a century. John Johnson, born in the 1930s, was doomed to a life of self-loathing and contempt from those who surrounded him due to his grotesque appearance. Johnson was 135, both in age and in ugliness on the 0–100 scale. Initially there was a large population of Ugly, but the passing of the 18th Amendment changed everything. Prohibition protected many bar patrons from the effects
of “beer-goggles,” making them keenly aware of the frightening appearance of the individuals sitting by themselves at the end of the bar. The number of Ugly men and women getting play dropped drastically, and people appreciated not making the mistake of sleeping with them under the effects of alcohol. In her most famous speech Congresswoman Katherine Durham boldly proclaimed that the nation will “No longer endure the horrible outcomes of random bar hookups, consisting of awkward awakenings next to pimply-faced freaks of nature more closely resembling monsters from horror flicks than humans.” Following
this steadfast resolution the Ugly began declining in numbers almost immediately. No longer able to have sex with the more attractive, nor stomach it with each other, the Ugly left the country for nations such as France, where cheap wine has maintained their Ugly populations for generations. On his death bed, Johnson simply thanked God for taking his life, as he was no longer able to handle being without loved ones. He then made a quick prayer asking for “no mirrors” in heaven. The only kind words spoken of Johnson came from his neighbor, Diane Jackson, who remarked, “We sure will miss how he scared off all the crows.”
Do YOU want to make history? Neither do we. Come to an MQ staff meeting. Plenty of room for Monarchs, Gladiators, and Plebians both common and uncommon.
Wednesday, 7:30, Half Dome Lounge In Muir.
photo by UglyPeople.com
How many beers would it take? Lucky, you’ll never have to find out.
– 1600 CE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 1700 CE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 1800 CE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 1900 CE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 1920 CE –
Rubens discovers fat chicks let you paint them naked.
New French dictator has wicked case of ‘Napoleon Complex.’
USS Maine sunk by William Randoph Hurst.
Amish reach technological superiority.
Susan “Baby Doll” Anthony wins third consecutive wet t-shirt contest. Frenchman takes a bath.
CLUTTER
Page 10
March 7, 2001
That Second Commandment About
Graven Images was Never Written?
People worship Golden Cows, other unholy shit by Jimmy Bennet High Priest of Revelle 2082, SAN DIEGO – The church of the Golden Cow celebrated its 4000th anniversary today. Followers from around the world congregated to celebrate the beginnings of their religion. The followers gathered en mass as the Priests served two percent milk and pieces of steak announcing, “This is the body the Cow carved for you, this is the milk the cow spilled for your sins.” At St. Udder’s Church in San Diego, followers gather to listen
photo by Laura our favorite staff member
Moo Moo Buckaroo. Get along to the church. We’ll feed you no bull.
Pauly Shore Earns Eighth Oscar Nod Sequels, Documentaries, Dominate List of Nominees by Mike Selvaggio Member of the Academy 2027 AD, LOS ANGELES – Oscar nominations were announced today, and it was apparent from the beginning that it was certainly a year for sequels and foreign language historical documentaries. Pauly Shore, O s c a r ’s golden boy, was once again at the forefront of the nominations, garnering two Best Actor nominations. The first is for his performance as a crippled circus clown in the summer action
thriller “Tears of Fear.” The second was for his reprisal role in “BioDome 12,” a best-picture nominee which also earned Mr. Shore a Best Director nod. Other nominees for Best Picture were “A Public Race, a Private Love: The Al Gore and George Bush Story,” “Police Academy 87,” “Transformers III,” and the foreign film, “Squatting Yak, Invisible Iguana.” As usual, Mr. Shore could not be reached for contact as he feels that interviews are below him. Billy Crystal, who will be unfrozen especially for the event, will host the Oscars telecast.
to Priest John Gordon give a sermon about the Ten Commandments. “Thou shalt not steal,” the Priest says, “thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s cow, thou shalt not eat the Cow’s steak in vain.” The Priest concluded the Sermon by reading a passage from Cheese 3:16. “For the Golden Cow, who loved the world so much, that he gave them his only begotten Calf, said that all who believe in him shall not perish, but shall have everlasting milk.” Inside the church, numerous works of art depict key moments
P TO10
in the religion. One of the most lovely is a stained glass window showing a picture of the Golden Cow in a field of grass. Beneath it the caption reads, “He grazed for your sins.” Although this is a special year, Church officials have said that although this year is a great milestone, the Church will not be making a big deal about it. “We will celebrate the holiday of Cowstmas the same way we always have. This afternoon the Church will also be holding its annual apple hunt, and the Cowstmas Heffer will still give candy to all the good boys and girls.”
Historical T op Top 10 Lists:
10. Things to do in Atlantis This Time of Year 9. Bloodletting Tips 8. Coolest Genocides Ever 7. Cures for Leprosy
bigger ’m I “ : e r o Sh now.” s u s e J n a th
6. Uses for “Electricity” 5. New Routes to India Recently Discovered 4. Ways to Prepare Dodo Bird 3. Reasons Latin Will Never Die photo by Laura our favorite staff member
Shore at last years Oscars; “I’m acting surprised, but I knew I would win. I’m a gift to humanity.”
2. Short French Dictators 1. Ways to Make Drachmas Fast
Robots Demand Prescription Medicine Plan by Geoff Moss Anamatronic Ninja Turtle 2454 AD, NEW NEW JERSEY Robot citizens from all walks of life gathered on Tuesday to protest what they call “unfair treatment of robots throughout the U.S.” The demonstration was held in front of the Tomb of the Unknown Robot, which commemorates the robot war for independence of 2361. Among other demands, the robot protesters are calling for a prescription medicine plan. “<<We demand equality>>,” chirped Unit 45-1XJ5, a breakfast preparation unit. The toaster continued, “<<We must no longer lie under the boot of human oppression!>>” Human loyalists, as well as moderate robots, have spoken out
against the proposed prescription medicine plan. “Let’s be honest,” said Liberty Party Senator Robert Hammersheck, “Nobody is saying that robots aren’t as good as humans, but this is madness! Put a ‘nuts and bolts’ bill in front of me and maybe... but this!?!” Robot Party Chairman Unit 313R (a.k.a. Vinnie the Vending Machine), a moderate, concurs. “This is illogical... robots don’t use prescription medicine... robots don’t get sick... please insert 25 cents...” Ordinary citizens everywhere were stunned by the protest. “I never knew my robots were so unhappy,” confesses homemaker Amanda Bennett. “I tried talking to my washing machine about it, but he said I just didn’t get it. I even offered him some of my Vicadin, but he just tuned me out
photo by Geoff Bot 2000
Domo Arigato Dr. Roboto. I need drugs to help me to escape from the monotiny of beverage distribution.
with the spin cycle.” It is clear that a rift has been torn in robot-human relations,
however it remains to be seen how this will impact everyday life. However one thing is cer-
tain: a bill demanding free oil changes for all humans is not far off.
– 1960 CE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 1970 CE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 1980 CE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 1990 CE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 2000 CE –
Salk invents AIDS virus. Lunar Landing faked from soundstage in Burbank, California.
2001 – giant fetus discovered orbiting Jupiter. Skynet robots initiate Judgment Navy shoots down NASA Day, fate of humanity rests on space shuttle Challenger. once-evil T-800.
JIBBA JABBA
March 7, 2001
Page 11
ARENA What is Your Favorite Historical Time Period?
Ancient Greece, because I’d like to wrestle around with an oiled, naked man in front of my countrymen, instead of just my parents.
The Renaissance, because there was music, culture, science, and that guy who painted naked fat chicks.
Brandon Hogan
Cute Little Devil
The American Old West, because John Wayne was the man.
The Inquisition, because they invented so many incredible S&M instruments.
Last week, before I lost all my money at Barona Casino.
The period when the evil robots enslave the entire human race and keep us as house pets.
Darth Vader
Greg Jergensen
Erin Seltzer
Molly Bird
Melvin Nachez
Revelle RA
Muir Sophomore
(858) 555-2713
Marshall Senior
Preuss School Student
Messiah Comes to Earth, World Peace Ensues but He still pities the fools who were waiting for Jesus by Elijah Zarlin Destined for Hell 2500, DETROIT CITY — Last Friday night, the true Messiah descended to earth from above. Amidst flashing lighting and booming thunder intermingled with Survivor’s Eye of the Tiger, the clouds parted and the Messiah came on down. This event was easily the most anticipated moment in the history of mankind. For many however, this is not a happy time. As it turns out, this was not the “Second Coming” of Jesus Christ, who was previously assumed by 97.4% of the world’s population to be the Messiah and the son of the one true god. In fact, that’s all “a crock of shit,” says the Messiah—who just identifies himself as “Da’ Man.” Laughing, Da’ Man continued, “Jesus!?! Sheeet, that’s a good one. We talked upstairs about what do to with that kook. Being one of the Chosen People wasn’t good enough for him? We figured nobody was crazy enough to believe him, let alone follow him. God’s been laughing about that one for like, the last 2500 years. Christianity is the biggest joke in the Universe.” The true Messiah is here for the
first time, and is not “that silly” Jesus. Since this disproves the basic tenets of the Christian faith, the Christians are really pissed off. Pissed off, and wrong. Among the 27 billion Christians on Earth, the response has been varied to the fact that their religious beliefs are entirely false. One saddened woman sobbed, “But, but, but I had this feeling. It couldn’t have been wrong. I know Jesus is the Messiah, even if the real Messiah says that’s wrong. I have faith in my beliefs. The small obstacle of overwhelming legitimate, tangible, scientific fact to the contrary isn’t going to make me sway one bit. I’ll just pray a little harder, that’s all.” Other’s were more accepting, though still saddened. Said Baptist Minister Dick Holiman, “All the death and suffering that Christianity has caused in the name of God—The Crusades in 1200, The Inquisition in 1500, the Bush Presidency in 2001, and the Kill the Jews Family Fun Week of 2257—that was all for naught.” As for the Jews, well, they’re pretty happy. The term “I told you so” has been heard a great deal lately and the Chosen People are laying out the guilt as if the world were actually ending — as opposed to beginning a period of eter-
photo by The Michael Zank
Here he comes, and he ain’t got time for no jibba-jabba. Drinking your milk, staying in school and treating your momma right finally pays off.
nal world peace. They have wasted no time planning for the Heavenly Mandated second Inquisition, which is to be subtitled, “How do you like it?”
In a live interstellar transmission from the center of Planet Vatican (formerly known as The Sun,) Pope John Paul Pious the Innocent, the 7th said solemnly,
“Once again the Jews have killed Jesus.” Wiping a tear from his eye he looked up, “Alright, get me out of this stupid hat. It’s time to get some ass. Hey, I’ma da’ Popa’!”
– 2001 CE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 2001 CE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 20010 CE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 2020 CE – MQ THROUGH TIMELINE – 2040 CE –
MQ PUBLISHES “MQ Through Time,” becomes foundation for new world order. “W” elected president, Bush senior fucks Barbara repeatedly in celebration.
Survivor XXVIII, “The Moon,” premieres on CBS. Eskimos win long, costly “War on Whales.”
HISTORICAL FUN AND GAMES
Page 12
March 7, 2000
MQ TRADING CARDS: Famous Fuck-ups throughout History Dinosaurs
Eve 01
06
Being gigantic and powerful wasn’t enough… for the dinosaurs. # of Dinosaurs after meteor: Zero
Favorite food: Anything from the tree of knowledge. Fun Fact: Usually naked.
Custer’s Last Stand
Secret: Killed father, slept with mother. Hobbies: Gouging out his eyes.
UC Riverside
yum
“Failing to Prepare is Preparing to Fail.” Ground Beef: $0.99/lb
Milli Vanilli
UC
14
Strength: Neat Logo Weakness: People live in fear, stand in long lines, and have no stuff.
The Donner Party mom
Communism
999
# of Indians killed by Custer: 0 # of Custers killed by Indians: 1
Oedipus
# of UCR Students: 21,672 # of UCR Students Rejected from UCSD: 21,668
08
Definition of “Milli”: Who knows? Definition of “Vanilli”: Who cares?
Draw James K. Polk in Three (3) Easy Steps
1
Block out skull and jaw area.
2
Concentrate, while sketching feature placement.
3
Add details and shading. Voila! It’s James K. Polk!