MQ
Volume Volume VII VII Issue IssueVI II
The price you pay for the first amendment
University of California, San Diego
May 3, 2001
Newspapers Report Story on President Clinton for No Apparent Reason
by Elijah Zarlin DC Correspondent WASHINGTON, D.C.-The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal and San Diego Union Tribune all ran exclusive stories yesterday about former President Clinton for no apparent reason. Though the President has been the subject of much media coverage recently with the pardon scandal, the Harlem office, the taking of furniture from the White House, and his trip to Africa, the recent articles have gone much deeper in their coverage of the highly scrutinized public figure. Rather, the fascinating articles are about nothing at all. “The article we ran,” said The Times Political Bureau Chief Richard Thompson, “was called ‘Clinton Still in the News’ and ran in the number two column on the front page. It highlighted the fact that since that particular article was in our newspaper, then that meant that Clinton was still, you know, in the news. It was really quite a story.” Not wanting to be scooped by the Times, the Post also ran a story about Clinton. Running in the number one column, also on the front page, the headline of the Post’s story read “Nothing of Substance left to Report on Clinton.” The Post’s White House Correspondent Cynthia Jones said the article “highlighted the fact that there was nothing of substance to report about former President
Clinton.” Jones added, “Of course we could have run the same story about our current president, but people aren’t interested in what Bush isn’t doing. In fact, from all
the attention that Clinton has gotten recently, I think the majority of the American public believes Bill Clinton is still the president. And they think Bush is just the ‘common, illiterate guy’ being used as
photo by John Podesta
Number one or number two? A decent human would leave the former president alone, and let the American people get back to their boring lives... number two.
an example to support the President’s proposed increase in federal Education funding. The article run by the Union Tribune was so widely read that it has been re-printed in over 150 papers nationwide. “We weren’t about to go a day without mentioning Clinton,” said Political Columnist Edward Stinson. “But it wasn’t like we had anything to say. Nothing at all, in fact. So instead of reporting for the fifth time that ‘Top White House Aids indicate Bill may have had sex with Hillary during his tenure,’ we just said ‘Clinton Does Something Newsworthy,’ and then repeated all the letters of the alphabet over and over, so people could decide for themselves what he did.” In response to the article, one woman stated that she was offended by the Post’s portrayal of Clinton as a “Marxist ButtPirate,” while Clinton himself called Stinson to thank him for the favorable description of his “massive sexual prowess.” This journalistic trend of reporting on stories that are entirely unrelated to so-called “current events” may seem problematic to some. Most other news consumers, however, eagerly look forward to more stories about former President Clinton and his furniture or his dog or his daughter or his favorite diet soda or his daughter’s dog’s favorite diet soda.
Nuns with guns
Smoking guns
Guns ‘N Roses
Alcoholism Linked to Drinking Study a breakthrough in Inebriated Sciences by Doug Hanes Staff Writer BALTIMORE-Today scientists at Johns Hopkins University announced the conclusion of their intensive 12-step, 6-month study investigating the relationship between alcoholism and drinking. Chief research scientist Dr. James Beam was jubilant in stating, “a clear link between drinking and alcoholism has been established scientifically.” According to Dr. Beam, this study follows earlier efforts by the University of Moscow and the Dublin Institute of Intoxicology, which were unsuccessful due to “blurred vision, loss of motor skills, and poor judgement.” This study was able to reach completion due to “the clear distinction between Johns Hopkins researchers and test subjects.” One of the most astonishing results of this study was the finding that the average alcoholic has between ten and thirty drinks per
week. This increased level of boozing has a strong correlation to their alcoholism. The control group of non-alcoholics consumed a significantly smaller amount of alcohol per week than the alcoholics. Research scientist Dr. Jonathan Walker said, “With this disparity in alcoholic intake, we may have identified the source of drinking: alcoholism. Science has proven beyond a doubt that alcoholics consume yeasted liquids far more than non-alcoholics.” Critics of the study have pointed to the fact that non-alcoholics also have a tendency to drink from time to time. Tokyo College’s Dr. Hector Sapporo, redfaced and sporting dark glasses, asked, “How do you explain the many incidences of persons drinking who are not alcoholics?” Dr. Beam responded to this attack by citing the substantial room for error that is always included in tests using human subjects. He added, “plus everyone knows that Dr.
Sapporo is a booze-hound.” In a related story, the Surgeon General’s Office has announced that it will be requiring all alcoholic beverage companies to begin la-
beling their products. The warning will read as follows: “SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Consumption of this beverage may lead to drinking.”
Midgets without guns
Falsified Quote
“Well, there are cute short people... and then there are trolls.” -George W. Bush, U.S. “President” photo by Laura Paajanen
Boris Yeltsin, doing the good work of the people.