MQ
Volume Volume VII VII Issue IssueVI II
The price you pay for the first amendment
University of California, San Diego
May 3, 2001
Newspapers Report Story on President Clinton for No Apparent Reason
by Elijah Zarlin DC Correspondent WASHINGTON, D.C.-The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal and San Diego Union Tribune all ran exclusive stories yesterday about former President Clinton for no apparent reason. Though the President has been the subject of much media coverage recently with the pardon scandal, the Harlem office, the taking of furniture from the White House, and his trip to Africa, the recent articles have gone much deeper in their coverage of the highly scrutinized public figure. Rather, the fascinating articles are about nothing at all. “The article we ran,” said The Times Political Bureau Chief Richard Thompson, “was called ‘Clinton Still in the News’ and ran in the number two column on the front page. It highlighted the fact that since that particular article was in our newspaper, then that meant that Clinton was still, you know, in the news. It was really quite a story.” Not wanting to be scooped by the Times, the Post also ran a story about Clinton. Running in the number one column, also on the front page, the headline of the Post’s story read “Nothing of Substance left to Report on Clinton.” The Post’s White House Correspondent Cynthia Jones said the article “highlighted the fact that there was nothing of substance to report about former President
Clinton.” Jones added, “Of course we could have run the same story about our current president, but people aren’t interested in what Bush isn’t doing. In fact, from all
the attention that Clinton has gotten recently, I think the majority of the American public believes Bill Clinton is still the president. And they think Bush is just the ‘common, illiterate guy’ being used as
photo by John Podesta
Number one or number two? A decent human would leave the former president alone, and let the American people get back to their boring lives... number two.
an example to support the President’s proposed increase in federal Education funding. The article run by the Union Tribune was so widely read that it has been re-printed in over 150 papers nationwide. “We weren’t about to go a day without mentioning Clinton,” said Political Columnist Edward Stinson. “But it wasn’t like we had anything to say. Nothing at all, in fact. So instead of reporting for the fifth time that ‘Top White House Aids indicate Bill may have had sex with Hillary during his tenure,’ we just said ‘Clinton Does Something Newsworthy,’ and then repeated all the letters of the alphabet over and over, so people could decide for themselves what he did.” In response to the article, one woman stated that she was offended by the Post’s portrayal of Clinton as a “Marxist ButtPirate,” while Clinton himself called Stinson to thank him for the favorable description of his “massive sexual prowess.” This journalistic trend of reporting on stories that are entirely unrelated to so-called “current events” may seem problematic to some. Most other news consumers, however, eagerly look forward to more stories about former President Clinton and his furniture or his dog or his daughter or his favorite diet soda or his daughter’s dog’s favorite diet soda.
Nuns with guns
Smoking guns
Guns ‘N Roses
Alcoholism Linked to Drinking Study a breakthrough in Inebriated Sciences by Doug Hanes Staff Writer BALTIMORE-Today scientists at Johns Hopkins University announced the conclusion of their intensive 12-step, 6-month study investigating the relationship between alcoholism and drinking. Chief research scientist Dr. James Beam was jubilant in stating, “a clear link between drinking and alcoholism has been established scientifically.” According to Dr. Beam, this study follows earlier efforts by the University of Moscow and the Dublin Institute of Intoxicology, which were unsuccessful due to “blurred vision, loss of motor skills, and poor judgement.” This study was able to reach completion due to “the clear distinction between Johns Hopkins researchers and test subjects.” One of the most astonishing results of this study was the finding that the average alcoholic has between ten and thirty drinks per
week. This increased level of boozing has a strong correlation to their alcoholism. The control group of non-alcoholics consumed a significantly smaller amount of alcohol per week than the alcoholics. Research scientist Dr. Jonathan Walker said, “With this disparity in alcoholic intake, we may have identified the source of drinking: alcoholism. Science has proven beyond a doubt that alcoholics consume yeasted liquids far more than non-alcoholics.” Critics of the study have pointed to the fact that non-alcoholics also have a tendency to drink from time to time. Tokyo College’s Dr. Hector Sapporo, redfaced and sporting dark glasses, asked, “How do you explain the many incidences of persons drinking who are not alcoholics?” Dr. Beam responded to this attack by citing the substantial room for error that is always included in tests using human subjects. He added, “plus everyone knows that Dr.
Sapporo is a booze-hound.” In a related story, the Surgeon General’s Office has announced that it will be requiring all alcoholic beverage companies to begin la-
beling their products. The warning will read as follows: “SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Consumption of this beverage may lead to drinking.”
Midgets without guns
Falsified Quote
“Well, there are cute short people... and then there are trolls.” -George W. Bush, U.S. “President” photo by Laura Paajanen
Boris Yeltsin, doing the good work of the people.
May 3, 2001
Page 2
MQ Leadership Changes, Hello UCSD! An editorial from Paper Doomed! the Editor By, Colin Parent Edior in Chief Fulfilling his childhood dream to destroy all that another had wrought, Colin Parent has become the new MQ Editor in Chief. “He’s gonna screw it all up!” exclaimed one faithful reader of the MQ. “That Colin guy doesn’t know what he’s doing.” When asked for comment, Parent said, “Yeah, I really don’t know what I’m doing.” Former Editor in Chief, Geoff Moss, was surprisingly unmoved by the likely demise of his onceloved paper. “Whatever,” remarked Moss. “I never read that dumb paper anyway.” Parent, whose plans for the paper include its demolition and demise, admitted that there were ulterior motives to his application as MQ Editor. “The MQ has office space,” said Parent. “One could live in that office space…if one were so inclined…” After spending two years on staff being referred to as “the not-funny one” Parent’s ascension to power has frightened and perplexed many. “I’m very frightened and perplexed,” said one fictional UCSD student.
photo by Dale E. Burner Jr. (and a lot of Photoshop)
While this photo may make Colin Parent appear very elect-able, it should be noted that he is not wearing any pants.
Also by Colin Parent Editor in Cheif (still) Hello UCSD, my name is Colin Parent. I’m writing you here as the MQ’s new Editor in Chief. Every few years at the MQ, the Editor and Assistant Editor in Chief, despite their best efforts, manage to acquire enough credits to graduate. So, because we were told their hot girlfriends were a perk of their positions, the famous Nick Lieberknecht and I have been duped into serving as editors of this fine paper. One of the few real duties of the Editor of the MQ, above and beyond being “a notorious hottie,” is to fill this space with some lighthearted editorial on a topic we all want to hear more about. This issue, however, I’ve decided to forego tradition and talk a little bit about myself. Ok, so that sounds narcissistic. Let me rephrase. I want to give you an introduction. I want you, the reader, to get a better idea of who I am, what the MQ is, and what I plan to do with the paper. Better? Now that we have that all cleared up, let me start: I’m a local boy; I lived in El Cajon (about 30 miles east of campus) for all of my pre-college life. I’m a Poli-Sci major, which makes me the first MQ Editor in years to be anything but a CSE major. As for the staff, we’re a pretty diverse bunch. We have staff-
ers from all five colleges, and of all makes and models. They’re very talented, writing all our clever articles and top ten lists, plus they are regularly referred to as Photoshop gods. I guess the thing that really binds the staff together, is our habit of making each other laugh, that and the incredible underlying sexual tension. As for plans, I don’t really have any, well, except to blow all our funding on burritos and skeeball. Maybe in the future, we’ll manage to publish an issue or two. But in all seriousness, I’m very proud to be given the chance to head this paper. I was introduced to the MQ during Admit Day of my senior year in high school, and fell in love with it from the start. My senior editors have always been supportive and have succeeded in guiding me to where I am now. My friends on staff have proven without a doubt that they are the most entertaining people in the world, and I thoroughly enjoy working with them. And for you the reader, I’m gonna try not to screw things up. Editor’s Note: This note is intended to fill space. Please disregard.
MQ Staff
Editor in Chief – Colin Parent Asst. Editor – Ncik Lieberknecht Content Editor – Jasmine de Lung Interim Asst. Content Editor – James Meeker Design Editor – Liz Erwin Asst. Design Editor – Reid Barrett Webmaster – Probably Truex Human Aquisitions – (Stay Tuned) Legal Consultant – Skippy Pinipper External Relations – Mike Selvaggio DC Correspondent – Elijah Zarlin MQ Mom – Megan Laver Advisor – Patty Mahaffey SOLO Advisor – Nikki Cayanan
MQ Staff
The MQ Supper Club: Quietly running the University since 2001 Justin Williams photo by “A Street Person”
“The views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ and our members. While the MQ is a registered student organization at the University of California, San Diego, the University neither supports nor endorses this publication or its contents. Additionally, the views expressed in this publication do not represent those of the University of California, the Regents, their officers, or employees. The members of the MQ as publishers of the MQ are entirely responsible for its content and they bear the full legal responsibility for any and all consequences arising from its publication.” This is the fake disclaimer. It is fake because it is not real. Any similarity to reality is purely coincidental, and should be ignored. If you are incapable of ignoring the fake-ness of this disclaimer, you will be held responsible for throwing yourself off a large building, and for paying any fees therefore incurred. The fake disclaimer is not to be read. If you find yourself reading the fake disclaimer, stop immediately. If you find someone else reading the fake disclaimer, you are responsible for throwing him or her off of a large building and paying for any fees therefore incurred. Since no one is supposed to be reading the fake disclaimer, I suppose I can borrow some space to send a shout out to my friends on Unity. We brought it baby, and I can’t wait to work with all of you for the coming year. Hugs and Kisses, -Colin.
Hal Melom Michael Truex Jeffrey Trattner Melissa Falcon Meg O’Neill Sean Kane Ivan Wick Irene Lee Angie Cash
Adina Ackerman Claire Suttle Dale E. Burner Jr. Alex Doherty Jon Cole Gabe Grossman Doug Hanes James Meeker Jeff MacGurn Ron Darbee
Jacob Campos Lisa Keagy Sharon Shapiro David Anderson Erika Cheng Stephanie Chen Justin Gardner Randi Lee Nick Thaler
MQ Booster Club The Indomitable Jenn Brown Dani “Sadly, not a perk of Assistant Editor” Ilich Kelly Johnson, Private I.
May 3, 2001
Chinese Deploy Rubber Aircraft by Hal Melom MQ Staff Writer XAOPING AIR FORCE BASE, PRC-The People’s Republic of China unveiled its newest fighterinterceptor aircraft Monday. The Shenyang F-12 is the first massproduced interceptor designed and built specifically for China, and represents the cutting edge in Chinese military aviation. The F-12 features twin after
burning turbofans, each capable of 8,000 pounds of thrust, and radar that can detect up to sixteen targets eighty miles away. The most innovative aspect of the F-12, however, is that it is constructed almost entirely of rubber. Over ninety percent of the F12’s frame is composed of the same type of rubber used to make superballs, a material found to possess enormous strength, flexibil-
ity, and the ability to withstand high-speed impacts with other aircraft. This has enabled Shenyang engineers to save enormously in production costs, while creating a fighter both lightweight and safe. “With this new aerospace technology, our pilots will finally be protected from the most dangerous obstacle they encounter while flying: themselves,” said Colonel Han Wu, who was in charge of the
F-12’s development. Col. Wu said that alternatives to the rubber plane were considered, but ultimately the F-12 was seen as the best way to improve safety among Chinese fighter pilots. “We had discussed, among other things, that we should train our pilots to use guns and missiles to bring down other aircraft, but we decided that would be too complicated. It’s easier to tell them to smack into it.”
P TO10
photo by Hal Melom
The F-12 Jellyfish, top of the line in Chinese inflatable rubber aircraft. Choking hazard warning: keep away from children under the age of 3.
God Supports Bush’s Faith Based Initiative by Elijah Zarlin Raving Lunatic In a press conference yesterday at His home in Colorado, God announced His support for President Bush’s proposed Faith Based Initiative. The President’s plan, which would give federal funding to religious groups that provide social services to their communities, has come under fire from many political and religious leaders. These leaders believe that the legislation would constitute the type of governmental entanglement with religion that is prohibited by the establishment clause of the first amendment. “But that’s just a whole lotta’ legal mumbo jumbo,” said God. “I think that the government should provide funding to religious
groups. And if I think so, then that’s right. ‘Cause I’m infallible. Dammit.” Many people are concerned that the legislation would constitute a violation of Title 7 from the Civil Rights act of 1964, and that the established exemption in section 702 of the act doesn’t constitutionally legitimize Bush’s proposed initiative. “Whatever!” said God, who was busy drafting posters in Photoshop for Bush’s 2004 re-election campaign. God added, “Just because the government is going to be giving money to religious groups, doesn’t mean the government will be supporting these groups. What it means is…uh…something else.” Even if the funding of these groups doesn’t constitute an es-
God knows who he’s voting for; do you? Does Bush? Probably not;
tablishment clause violation, there is much concern that the initiative would violate such relevant Supreme Court precedents as those established in the cases Griswald v. Connecticut (1940), Everson v. Board of Education (1947) or Lemon v. Kurtzman (1971), which explicitly state that the government may neither aid nor hinder religion. In response to questions about these landmark legal decisions, God seemed unconvinced. “What kind of a name is Kurtzman anyway?” asked God. “Or Connecticut. Or Board of Education. That sure would be a shitty last name.” “The bottom line,” God continued, “is that this initiative would be going to fund programs that would help people. Isn’t that more important than the fact that it will make more people believe in me? So what if I benefit a little from that. I’m God. I deserve a little on the side. I’ve got this bet going with Vishnu that I’ll have more believers than him by the end of the millennium. In light of the birth rate he’s been able to mandate in India, I need all the help I can get.” God continued, “It’s just a little disappointing that it took me so long to get a President in office that can use the government as a tool to promote religion. I guess Clinton was just too charismatic for me even. More charismatic than God? No wonder he was able to score with that Lewinsky chick. She was a fine piece of ass, photo by Alex Douherty if you know what I mean.” he’s a little slow.
Page 3 Defense Secretary Colin Powell was pleased to hear of the rubber fighter. “Now we can take the rubber bumpers off our spy planes and put the radar dishes back where they used to be.” “We’re glad that the Chinese are taking this important step forward in aviation safety,” President Bush remarked Friday. “If only Maverick had been flying a rubber plane, Goose wouldn’t have died. Poor Goose!” Vice President Cheney then reminded the President that Top Gun is just a movie.
Ways to get our plane back:
10. Exchange for one of equal or lesser value 9. Send the 24 American servicemembers back to China 8. Send Scooby and the gang with the ExLax-in-the-guard’s-coffee trick 7. Two words: Economic Sanctions (these work!!) 6. Sell weapons to Taiwan 5. Use a smooth talkin’ Texan 4. Start a war with the promise to solve their overpopulation problem 3. Threaten to unilaterally give Hong Kong back to the British 2. Trade “American spy wizardry” for “American penis enlargement wizardry” 1. Bomb the shit out of them
P TO10
Ways to spy on China:
10. Secret decoder ring 9. Pretend to deliver Kung Pao chicken 8. Play bumper planes 7. Press ear and cup to Great Wall 6. CIA 5. When caught thumbing through government files, ask for two orders of wonton soup 4. Shoe-phone 3. Go through their garbage 2. Dissect Wen Ho Lee’s brain 1. Pony up the $19.95 per month for a subscription to asianbeauties.com
May 3, 2001
Page 4
Orgasm Discovered
by Liz Erwin Design Editor In a small shudder for one woman but a giant quake for womankind, Gloria Jean Brown experienced her first orgasm last Wednesday. Brown, a fourth year graduate student in Women’s history at Wesleyan University, was shocked to learn that what she had previously thought were orgasms were actually prolonged hiccups. “When Joe, my boyfriend, would go on and on about how great his orgasm felt, I kind of tuned him out. I mean, I didn’t think mine were that great or anything, so how could his be so awesome? I thought he was trying to be nice, telling a little white lie. But I was wrong. Orgasms are nothing like hiccups,” explained Brown. Brown’s search for a thesis is over. “Apparently, this type of
sexual ignorance is quite common in women, from antiquity until the present. It started as a male conspiracy, to keep women from straying. Boy, has that backfired on the modern man. Guys would get so much more action if women knew how much fun sex was.” Besides the obvious benefits, the discovery has led to improved health for Brown. “It completely got rid of my headache. I used to suffer from constant migraines. I’ll never be able to use that excuse again,” she explained. Her partner, who wishes to be referred to as Joe “the Stallion,” was unsure of the incident at first, claiming that, “for a second, I thought I was pulling her hair or something, but then I realized she liked it. I mean really liked it. I’m such a stud.” The Stallion is also contemplating his new options since this discovery of his power.
“Now that I know how to do this, I could bag so many more chicks than before.” Despite his bravado, the Stallion is reportedly not comfortable with these recent developments. Ryan Kruger, the Stallion’s friend since junior high, describes him as “scared shitless. He came whining to me the day after, ‘I don’t know what I did. She’ll break up with me if I don’t perform. I am so screwed. Or not screwed.’ I was like ‘Dude, just get out there, start swinging, and play ball. Show her who’s boss.’ I hope it turns out well. Before Gloria, Joe hadn’t had a date since 8th grade.” But the Stallion has little to fear. Brown stated in a press release, “A couple of months ago, Joe’s only redeeming quality was that he would kill spiders for me. Now, I guess I can keep him around for a little while longer.”
photo by The Michael Zank
Gloria Brown seen here, discovering orgasm. Well, at least the kind you can buy in the store. One per customer.
Fat Guy Goes to Gym; Thin People Pissed by Fabio de la Torre Sexy Bitch Attractive people at UCSD’s RIMAC facility were outraged Friday, when a fat guy stumbled into the weight room during their workout activities. Their initial reaction was reportedly one of shock and disbelief. “How’d he get in here?” demanded a cute, thin girl. “I thought they would stop him at the door.” Others expressed surprise that the fat guy knew where the gym was located. Once inside, the unnamed fat guy proceeded toward a treadmill adjacent to one being used by Mary Parker, a blonde girl in her early twenties. “I didn’t see what setting he put it on,” Parker said. “I didn’t want to look at him. I was afraid I might not get a very good workout if I got too close, because, like, his fat cells would spread to me. I know they say that being fat isn’t contagious, but that hasn’t been proven yet, you know?” Parker, despite being thin all her life, continues to work out five days a week to “keep the fat away.” The alleged fatty continued for about 10 minutes on the treadmill before reportedly moving on to
P TO10
photo by Richard Simmons
Fatty Fatty Fat Fat roams RIMAC, trying to get laid or find Krispy Kreme.
the cycling machines. After riding the machine for about five minutes, the exhausted fat guy then exited the premises. Despite the
Places to T cid: Trry A Acid:
10. Inside the fat RSO
brevity of his visit to the gym, however, his presence had instilled a sense of indignation in the attractive people witnessing
P TO2
the incident. The obese guy’s obvious obesity attracted the attention of buff bodybuilder Jason Lee, who ad-
mitted to donning an Abercrombiestyle outfit and spending up to 45 minutes longer for each gym session in order to walk around and hit on the girls. “When guys like him turn up here, they ruin everything,” said Lee. “You can tell. When that guy’s here, he’s totally killing any thoughts of attraction to the opposite sex that the girls have, just absolutely destroying it. God, I might as well not even come.” Ryan Eddy, another ample gym regular, had an even less tolerant stance on the issue. “He’s disrupting the whole atmosphere of the gym with his fattiness,” he said. “It’s like a fragile ecosystem in here, and you can just feel his fat cells moving in and spreading and taking over. Soon he and his fat buddies will take up the whole gym and force all of us attractive people out, and then in a couple weeks they’ll get lazy and stop coming, and then the gym will be empty.” “They’re like a virus,” Eddy added with scorn. “They’ll take over everything, then leave. They’ll be the death of this place.” Despite searching every McDonald’s, Denny’s, and Bob’s Big Boy in the area, investigators could not reach the fat guy for comment.
Bovine Diseases:
9. Wonderland
2. Very Sad Cow Disease
8. The cliffs
1. Cock and Balls
7. Oscar the Grouch’s garbage can 6. Chem lab 5. Your girlfriend’s parents’ soire’e 4. A padded cell 3. With all the little green people growing out of the carpet 2. In your mouth, not your rectum 1. Viet-fucking-nam
P O T1
Way to Get Out of a Midterm:
1. Push roommate out window
May 3, 2001
Arctic Animal Rebels Plan Demise of “Dubya” by Stephanie Chen Armchair Activist GORE POINT, AK- The attempted assassination of President George W. Bush last Tuesday shocked people everywhere. The attempt, which originated in the quiet Alaskan town of Gore Point, was orchestrated by a group of Alaskan arctic animals in response to Bush’s plans to drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Bush’s plan intended to help solve California’s energy crisis and increase the nation’s oil supply by 10.3 billion gallons, enough to last the U.S. approximately half of one day. In a press conference, National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice characterized the plan as being “incredibly clever.” Rice continued, “For this reason, our people are investigating possible ties with Al Gore. He’s a sneaky little devil.” The first part of the plan to assassinate the president involved allowing wildlife photographers to shoot pictures of them in irresistibly cute poses in exchange for weapons and ammunition. “I smiled so much my fur hurt,” complained one harbor seal, who wished to remain anonymous. After acquiring weapons, the animals proceeded to try to commandeer a ship that would take them to Washington, where they would march on the White House and assassinate the President. Ul-
timately, however, they were unable to implement their plan. As the animals were holding an oil tanker ’s crew hostage in Alaska, a polar bear slipped on an oil slick and lost control of his weapon. It landed in the hands of the ship’s captain, who immediately took advantage of the confusion and began firing rounds at the startled animals. Eyewitnesses reported that the animals tried to shoot back but were unsuccessful because many of the animals had trouble correctly grasping and firing their guns. In a statement made shortly before being tranquilized, the polar bear was allegedly heard to roar: “Damn those humans! This is discrimination! They made those guns for species with opposable thumbs! Damn them all!” The ringleader of the assassination attempt, a seal known only as Subcommander Snowflake, explained the situation from the point of view of the animals. In a statement to the press, he said, “We won’t stand for that asinine Bush tearing apart our homes. We had to implement a classic revolutionary plan of action, training armies of marine animals to bring industry and shipping to a halt, providing our people with weapons, and singing songs of nationalistic pride.” In response to the attempt on his life, President Bush, in coop-
eration with the NRA, has opened an emergency hunting season on all arctic animals. As an additional incentive, Bush also promised a tax cut to any family who kills more than 50
the Refuge was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.” Residents of Gore Point had mixed views on the insurrection. Some people supported the animals’ ideas, but were disturbed by the rebellion. “I agree that Bush needs to be killed, he’s an idiot,” said one resident. “But it’s scary to see the animals rising up like that. I mean, I can handle them talking and wielding guns, but singing nationalistic songs? I don’t think so. It’s just too weird.”
photo by your mom
In the Animal Kingdom, Baby Harp Seals are the bad-assed guardians of Justice and the liberators of the enslaved and oppressed everywhere.
Revelle Study Proves that Sex is a Myth
by Gabe Grossman Staff Writer Revelle senior Dominick Dirksen, a Biology, Animal Physiology, and Neuroscience triple-major, recently published his senior honors thesis, which disproves the long held belief that the human species reproduces through sexual activity.” Intrigued by the rumors of sexual intercourse he had often heard from female classmates at Eleanor Roosevelt College, Dirksen decided to determine once and for all the truth behind the myth. Utilizing the Revelle residence halls as the location for his research, Dirksen spent nine months studying the behavioral habits of his test population. Many sleepless nights were spent observing the interactions between the two sexes, as well as the formation of intergender relationships. Even so, he was unable to find even a single case of a couple retiring to the same room for the night. After nine months of intensive observation Dirksen called an end to his search for
Page 5 baby seals. Any animals who survive will be incarcerated at zoos around the country. Animal rights activists were thrilled with the rebellion but disappointed in its defeat. “They had to do something drastic,” said Homer Pinkerton, director of the Society for the Right to Arm Bears. “Arctic animal leaders of the world were already ridiculing American animals, complaining about how Bush rejected the Kyoto Accord. His plan to drill in
intercourse. “Apparently the human species has simply evolved beyond sexual reproduction. I see no other explanation,” Dirksen commented when interviewed about his research. “More research is needed to investigate what method of reproduction is being used, and if this should be a concern for humanity and the survival of the species.” The news came as a relief to many Revelle students who had themselves questioned the existence of sex. “I just thought I couldn’t get any, but now I know that sex was just a story people would tell me as a joke,” remarked Argo Hall resident Nigel Jergensen after reading Dirksen’s thesis. Other students were devastated by the news. Revelle junior Jim Anderson fell to his knees after hearing the news and cried out, “Why God, why? Is there anything worth living for?” Many Revelle students remain alone in their rooms, unavailable for comment.
MQ Meetings. 10pm Wednesdays. Half Dome Loung e in Muir Colle g e . You ha ve Lounge Colleg hav anything else to do at that time of night?
A new exciting taste from the restaurant that brought you Baby Seal Blueberry Pie and Fluffy Bunny Flapcakes. Denny’s: serving coloreds since1989.
photo by Francis Crick
Twin professors Sean and Thomas Powell discuss the absence of sex.
by Hal, Justin, Wayne, and Doug
May 3, 2001
Page 6
UCSD AFTER THE
ERC Converted to Casino to Generate Income Civilization Collapses into Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland
Cross Cultural Center Unable to Spread Message of Diversity, Cracker Still Thinks Paella is Brazilian Super Model
University Resorts to Corporate Sponsorship to Pay for Expansion
May 3, 2001
Page 7
FEE REFERENDUM FAILED
UC Regents Have to Think of New Ways to Screw Students Basketball Back to Losing in Division III
Women’s Center Doesn’t Get Increased Funding, Still Receives 70 Cents for Every Dollar Made by the Men’s Center
Student Health Can’t Afford Prescription Medicine, Resorts to Leeches and Sugar Pills
Stagnant Funds Force AS to Hire “Boys of the MQ” for Winterfest
Price Center Unable to Accommodate Increased Enrollment, University Announces “Finish in Four” Plan for Wendy’s
May 3, 2001
Page 8
Teens Injured Imitating Stunt Seen on the WB’s “7th Heaven” by Elijah Zarlin Staff Writer Two Tennessee teenage brothers were hospitalized yesterday after trying to imitate a risky stunt they saw on the WB show “7th Heaven.” The brothers, 14 and 16 year old Rob and Mike White, suffered severe emotional trauma, a possible loss of faith and minor bruising, after they tried to confront their mother’s old college friend about her “blatant alcoholism.” The friend, Cindy Williams of New York City, showed up at the White family home unexpectedly last Friday evening, when she “just happened to be in the neighborhood.” “But we weren’t fooled so easily,” said the heavily shaken older brother Mike from his hospital bed. “We’d seen The Show and we knew better than to believe her. We knew that anytime someone ‘just happens’ to stop by, that they are probably coming to ask for money because they have lost their jobs due to their heathenistic ways. When she said she was here on ‘important business,’ that she ‘really couldn’t discuss,’ we didn’t buy it for a second.” Williams, who is an assistant deputy director for the CIA, recounted the incident: “Although the family was initially polite, they became oddly condescending and sympathetic after I asked in passing if I could have a glass of wine.” Mike “knew what that meant,” he said later. “We had seen interventions done many times on 7th Heaven with alcoholics who were in denial and we were confident
sumed that was clear.” Clearly, it was not. Representatives from the show are now considering preceding the show with a “Don’t Try This at Home” disclaimer, or airing the show an hour later so that it won’t reach such highly impressionable young people. Still, that may not be enough. Many political leaders have called on the entertainment industry to reduce this type of programming. “It is irresponsible of the entertainment industry to portray this quantity of moral idealism on television,” said Democratic senator Joe Lieberman, a consistent critic of the television industry. “They have the opportunity to make it right by portraying more realistic programming that accurately depicts the gratuitous violence, pessimism, and stupidity that are present in this nation. As long as such ridiculously moral behavior is displayed on television, children will try to mock it. And that’s just something we can’t risk.” Others say it’s not the fault of the television programs. “Let’s face it,” said Elizabeth Weisman, Chair of the Harvard Department of Adolescent Behavioral Studies. “Kids nowadays are just dumb little fuckers who will try the most recklessly stupid things you can imagine. The little cretins.” As for the two White teens, they seemed to have learned their lesson. “We know now that it’s wrong to stand up for our morals and that the Camden family on 7th Heaven is a poor example for us kids. We’re going to try copying some stunts we saw on the MTV show “Jackass” next. That will be much safer.”
photo by The Michael Zank
Another example of teen injuries due to reenacting the shopping cart scene from the WB’s 7th Heaven. What jackasses.
we could handle the situation. But when we told her that ‘it was ok,’ and that ‘we can work through this together,’ she got really angry. We had moved in close and were talking very softly, holding her hand and reminding her that she would be forgiven for her sins-just like Eric Camden always does on 7th Heaven, but she got really mad, pushed me down,
slapped Mike in the face and walked out, telling us that we were ‘arrogant little’…uh…f-words. You know…freaks…can you print that word? Anyway, I just didn’t understand it.” Representatives from the WB network, which runs the show, have expressed regret for the incident but refuse to take the blame. “We do not intend for our viewers
Royalty Still “Jumpy” from Charles I Beheading by Reid Barrett years due to the poor behavior of still haven’t found out how Mad Assistant Editor of Design members of the royal family. Cow disease started.” LONDON-The British monar- Queen Liz was quoted as saying, The monarchy has hoped to imchy acknowledged today that it “Come on, [Duchess of York] prove its image among the comwas still fearful of its subjects af- Fergie was in a Weight Watchers® moners with a recent spurt of pubter the beheading of Charles the commercial. If that doesn’t boil lic-relations maneuvers. The First in the 17th century by sup- the British blood, then nothing youngest members of the royal porters of Oliver Cromwell. will.” She added, “Luckily, they bunch, Princes William and Harry, Charles, participated in an after school Prince of carwash to raise money for Wales and the British Dental Society. In next in line for addition, Queen Elizabeth’s the throne husband Prince Phillip has said, “I’m still come out of a coma to make pretty jumpy numerous appearances at about the testicular cancer support whole thing. I groups. mean, once The response from the Mummy dies people of the British Isles it’s gonna be have been mixed at best. One me up there, commoner that was interand what’s to viewed by the MQ had this stop the to say: “Prince who? We still rabble from have a monarchy? Jesus, I chopping my thought that went out with head off?” bell-bottoms and Lava Although Lamps. If I got my hands on no British one of them, I’d chop their monarchs head right off, like back in the have been beold days.” Responses like headed since this have caused further disthen, Queen tress among the royals. Elizabeth II, To improve royalty-comP r i n c e moner relations, the royal Charles, and family is expected to begin others still handing out Knighthoods fear the fickle with three mailed in Proofsmob. Their of-Purchase of Burger King’s photo by Zach Horton dread has inDouble Whopper. creased over Prince Charles, hoping his name is all he shares with the illthe past few fated King Charles I.
to imitate the perfect moral life of the Camdens. That would be stupid,” said WB spokesman Jason Watts. “It’s obviously totally unrealistic and potentially dangerous for them to try to emulate the recklessly upstanding behavior we portray on the show. It’s for entertainment purposes only. We as-
www.muirquarterly.com
P TO10
Places Y ou Will T You Trry to Live Ne xt Y ear: Next Year:
10. Dumpster behind Taco Surf 9. Drug cartel’s mansion on the cliffs 8. Inside the fat RSO; no, the really fat one 7. Endor Moon 6. Che Café compost pile 5. MQ Office (Editor’s Note: No, that’s
mine!)
4. 3rd floor of the Geisel Library 3. In a van down by the river 2. Preuss School sandbox 1. In an alcoholic haze
Watch Muir TV Channel 20 in Muir Channel 19 Campus-wide
May 3, 2001
News From the Wild World of Sports by Sean Powell Make Your Own Goddamn Funny
be okay with Lindros participating in such a fruity activity, Lindros did not comment.
Eric Lindros Begins Figure Skating Career
Alex Rodriguez Paid $487,000 for Time in Bathroom
Former NHL All-Star Eric Lindros announced in a press conference last week that he has retired from the NHL to pursue an Olympic gold medal in pairs figure skating. “I responded to a letter from a Russian coach,” Lindros said, “who needed a man for his wellcoached yet difficult-to-work-with female skater. I paid him a visit, and although the woman and I just stood around spouting witty oneliners at each other, I’m going to go for it.” Lindros, whose physical style of play and goal-scoring ability took the Philadelphia Flyers to the Stanley Cup Championships, hasn’t played pro hockey in a year because of a terrible head injury. When asked whether his head injury had anything to do with his decision not to return to pro hockey, Lindros simply chanted, “Toepick,” in a high, annoying voice. “I really think we can win that gold medal,” Lindros added, “especially if we try our coach’s legendary ‘Pamchenko’ maneuver, which includes me throwing the woman by her feet over my head and catching her somehow.” When pressed by reporters as to whether he is in love with the woman or whether his conservative brother in Minnesota would
Alex Rodriguez, or “A-Rod,” the talented young shortstop for baseball’s Texas Rangers, was recently paid $487,000 for the time he spent in a Dallas bathroom. Rodriguez, the recipient of a 10year, $250 million contract before the baseball season began, was pleased with his good 6 minutes of work, completed in the bathroom of the La Venezia Italian Restaurant in downtown Dallas. “I kept my poise, didn’t make any mental mistakes, and kept my head in the game,” he said to reporters, “and when I got out of that bathroom, I calculated that I had made about $487,000-but keep in mind, that’s before taxes.” UCSD Student Catches Foul Tip in Padres Home Opener In the Padres’ 2001 home opener against the San Francisco Giants, Warren sophomore Louis Lemour caught a foul tip. The ball, fouled off the bat of Padre Mark Kotsay on a 1-1 count, sailed into the stands off the right side of the infield and bounced once in the field level seats before bouncing into Lemour’s welcoming hands. Witnesses in adjacent seats estimate that the ball was traveling at least 18 miles per hour when Lemour stuck out his glove and made a one-handed grab.
photo by The Michael Zank
Wonder Woman and Baseball. A red-blooded American male couldn’t ask for more.
Upon making the catch, Lemour raised his hands in recognition of the crowd and was even featured on the stadium Jumbo-tron with “Who Let the Dogs Out?” playing on the stadium sound system. “Yeah! Who’s your daddy?” exclaimed Lemour. When asked what his plans were for the ball,
Local Man Stops, Asks for Directions by Geoff Moss World’s Greatest Grandpa The community of San Dimas, CA is reeling over one of the most shocking events in years; resident Gary Lipton stopped to ask for directions. Lipton, a night shift manager at the local Home Depot surprised family and friends alike when he stopped at a gas station after becoming lost on his way to the Pomona Fairgrounds.
P TO10
Page 9
Randall Freis was the attendant on duty at the Pump and Pay. “In my 22 years in the automotive service industry, I’ve never seen anything like this,” the 43year old admits. “To be quite honest, when I seen him drive in here lookin’ all nervous, I was sure he was gonna rob me. But to have him ask where the fairgrounds is, well that was even better than getting robbed.”
Freis instructed Lipton to hang a left on Second Avenue, make a left at the McDonald’s and get back onto the I-10 freeway.
10. “Interns” for the chancellor 9. Build portals into Malcovich’s head 8. Buy the Chargers for a chance at Div II playoffs 7. Astroturf the Muir field 6. Tie-Dye those hippie Muir dorms 5. Barbwire to make sure the poor can’t get back in
3. Triton Taxi trips to TJ 2. Lenny Kravitz at Sun God 1. Rotate the balls in front of Center Hall
could not be reached for comment, there is every indication that they are as proud of Lemour as his friends are. The Padres didn’t fare as well as Lemour, losing the game and 11 of their first 17.
Lipton’s wife was also shocked. “I’m just so proud of my baby,” Joanna Lipton told friends, “I knew he had it in him. Since he stopped to ask for directions, he’s been a better father and a better husband. God I love him.” Perhaps no one is more shocked about the turn of events than Gary Lipton himself. “I just was going to the gun show and got lost. My choices were either miss the keynote address by Charlton Heston, or sacrifice every shed of mascu-
linity. I like my manhood, but Charlton Heston is my President. And that’s a sacred bond.” While the friends and family of Gary Lipton search for answers and closure in this recent, bizarre incident, men everywhere look on with curiosity. “I sure don’t want this to happen to me,” high school janitor Mick Langston admits. “I’m fine with being lost wherever I go; no matter the embarrassment it causes my family. There is no price too great to remain a man.”
Photo by ambiguously gay man
Tackons to the F ee R ef: ack-ons Fee Ref:
4. Buy the Sun God some friggin’ pants
Lemour said, “I might put it in a clear case, or get the Padres to sign it, or throw it out my apartment window at cars passing on campus loop. I’m really stoked!” Lemour also added that people are welcome to visit him and “feel his ball.” Although Lemour’s parents
P TO10
Things Kids Do for Ice Cream Money:
10. Mow lawns 9. Sell drugs 8. Kick the crap out of honor students 7. Calvin Klein ads 6. Midget wrestling 5. Work in a Nike shoe factory outside Manila 4. Blackmail adulterous father 3. Write top 10’s 2. Lucrative four-square career 1. Sell Pokemon paraphenalia
Page 10
May 3, 2001
May 3, 2001
Parents Move Into UCSD On-Campus Apartment The Michael Zank Staff Writer The Muir College Residential Life Office has allowed the parents of one of its residents, Alejandro Wong, to move into Wong’s oncampus apartment to fill a vacancy. The vacancy was created when two of Wong’s roommates had what is described as a “waffle-iron incident.” Muir Res Dean Shamiquah Jackson explained, “There was an incident that resulted in two of the residents of the apartment being evicted, and we needed to fill the space that was left. Mr. Wong’s parents decided it would be good for their son if they were closer to him and could offer him guidance through the last quarter of the year, which we all know can be very difficult for a freshman… I mean firstyear. Whoops.” The move has prompted negative response from residents in and around the apartment. Jack Stephan, who shares a double room with Alejandro, expected there to be positive aspects that just haven’t materialized yet.
“I figured his mom, Lucy, would be a good cook,” he explained, “I thought we could eat something besides pizza and frozen lasagna five nights a week. I don’t know,
in the microwave. Sometimes she eats my mini-donuts without buying new ones. Bitch. And whenever I get home from my women’s film class on Wednesday nights,
(Above) While differences do arise, Alejandro is happy to have his parents’ insight and love while he is hard at work at school.
maybe some meatloaf or a casserole. All she does is make ‘Lean Cuisine Meals for One’ for herself
the two of them are watching Sex Bytes on HBO. Every fuckin’ week! I’ve missed every Law &
Page 11 Order episode since that one at the beginning of the season with that guy who killed that other guy…” Mike Nelson, the third roommate prior to the move-in, had issues with Alejandro’s father, Maurice Wong. “That guy’s a bum. He never does the dishes when it’s his turn. He never takes out the trash, either. He just goes to work in the morning and comes back at night and ‘borrows’ my physics book so he can study. What the fuck, he’s not taking physics! He’s not even a student!!!” Residents in the surrounding apartments have been complaining about noise, also. Said one neighbor, “Those two have sex at least five days a week. Really loud. I hear the bed creaking and everything. Alejandro’s pop must be a stallion, cause they go on for hours, man.” Even more of a nuisance to Alejandro and company is the fact that even though Maurice and Lucy frequently share a room at night, they each occupy one of the apartment’s single-occupancy bedrooms, forcing Alejandro and Jack to share a double-occupancy room. Alejandro complains, “Jack’s a good guy and all, but I’d really like to have a room to myself for once. Whenever I bring it up to
my folks that maybe they should be the ones in the double, they tell me that they ‘need their space’ and that ‘things are fine the way they are.’ Alejandro is also uneasy about the attention his parents’ behavior on campus has attracted to him. “My mom likes to go out in the quad in a bikini and lay out in the sun, you know, to get a tan. Sometimes the guys in the dorms will walk by and whistle at her, or go hit on her. It’s embarrassing! They come up to me and ask if they can have her number. One of the Delta Sig pledges told me about how he hooked up with her at a party. It was disgusting!” So far, Mr. And Mrs. Wong are pleased with the arrangement. “We raised a good son and we know it. We’re very proud that he was able to get into such a good school and that he is responsible and does all his chores without being asked. Finally, all that good parenting is starting to pay off for us. Now we don’t have to do the chores or make dinner or drive him to baseball practice,” explained Mr. Wong, “and now that he’s learned all those virtues, we can stop pretending to be mannerly and courteous and responsible and let him take care of everything for a change.”
(Above) The happy family, united at last. (Right) Look, it’s Dad, trying to share the finer points of music.
News in Brief NEW UCSD STUDY REVEALS: BEST PLACE TO CHAT WITH FRIENDS IS ON STAIRS... -RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! A study released by UCSD’s Sociology department on Wednesday reveals that the optimal place to stand around and chat with your friends is on the stairs. According to the study, places in which paths “bottleneck” are the best places to talk to your friends – places in which one can hold large groups of people behind them. Sorority girl Amy P. Skank comments: “The idea of people stranded behind you while you chat incessantly about shallow topics just adds a whole new dimension to the conversation.” Professor Gunthram Goober, who supervised the research, is completely bald. OBLAHA TERRORIST GROUP TO UNDERGO PUBLIC RELATIONS REVAMP The infamous Al-Oblaha terrorist group, which has claimed eight car bombings and three assassina-
tions in the past year, has reportedly undergone a public relations makeover. In December, the group hired Madison Avenue firm Matheson and Dunn to give the group a “hip new image,” said group spokesperson The Sand Spider. “It came to our attention last year that terrorism may not hold the same wholesome image worldwide that many fanatics here in the Middle East have grown up to love. In fact, we have discovered through market research that there isn’t even much of a demand for our activities here in this undisclosed location.” In addition to new posters, uniforms, and a unique tie-in line of colognes, the group has also hired comedian Budrick Young Jr. to act as a spokesperson and comic for the group in the Western world. NBC is currently looking to develop a related show based on the PR turnaround called “The Militant Wing.”
P TO10
Mishaps at P assover Passover
10. Roast Loin of Pork 9. Masturbate at the kiddy table 8. Although technically not leaven bread, cardboard does not belong on the Passover table 7. Forgot lambs blood on door, first born slain 6. Forgot to ask if horse is kosher 5. Beat rabbi to death in Manishewitz-induced rage 4. Accidentally allowed unsupervised goyim to produce box-office flop 3. Showed up with “I Love Yassir Arafat” T-Shirt 2. Laughed while eating horseradish and it came out my nose 1. Accidentally knocked off Uncle Herschel’s toupee
May 3, 2001
Page 12
Trading Cards: Enemies of the MQ Free Trade
Carnies
$
13
W hy: Doesn’t everyone hate carnies? ...Dirty carnies
Microscopic Germs
Strengths Strengths: Cheap everything, US hegemony Fact Fact: Our grandchildren will call us “slavemasters”
The Blind
Our Symptoms Symptoms: runny nose, aching joints, malaise, painful urination.
W hy: They can’t read this card. They can’t read any of this paper. Fact Fact: Our graphics aren’t funny in braille.
Hey kiddies, have you ever had trouble converting from the metric system to English units? Well, here’s the MQ to the rescue. Just cut out our handy-dandy conversion table and someday you could work at NASA.
Conversion Table Unit of Measure
Metric
Mass
1 Kilogram
.00006 Fergie
1 Celcius
-5 Hurley (c’mon, she’s hot)
Force
1 Newton
5 KiloBobbies
Work
1 Watt
23.8 Irishmen
1 Pascal
16 IRA
Resistance
1 Ohm
6 Scotsman
Luminosity
1 Candela
-2 British Tan
Energy
1 Joule
1/2 Crumpet
Volume
1 Liter
6 Hogs’ Heads
Temperature
Pressure
Acidity Density
pH 1 kg/L
English
“Bloody hell tha’ stings” .9 Cockney Accent
{0} /
4
Useless Info: He has no face, and that’s no good.
W hy: Gets in the way of some really good jokes.
Fun Fact Fact: Dead.
Significant Others 20/ 20
.00000 00001
Decency
Skeletor
The Homeless Lucky
2
Fact: Once you find true love, you become “soft.”
#7
Why they come come: Business experience, handouts. ned a way : body W hy tur turned aw odor, illiteracy,
halitosis.
MQ Poetry Note from the Editor: This is Colby’s submission to the MQ. He is 13 years old.