The MQ Volume 7 Issue 7

MQ

Volume Volume VII VII Issue VII Issue II

Holding You Closer ...

University of California, San Diego

May 31, 2001

FBI Misplaces Timothy McVeigh

By Elijah Zarlin DC Correspondent

WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprise announcement from the nation’s premiere law enforcement agency last Monday, the FBI made public their recent discovery that they have misplaced convicted Oklahoma City bomber and Federal prisoner, Timothy McVeigh.

“Hey, no big deal. I guess we just had some kind of administrative error,” said FBI Director Louis Freeh, speaking from an underground bunker at an undisclosed location in a foreign country.

“We’re not sure where McVeigh is, but we’re doing a check of all our field offices and we should have this thing cleared up real soon.”

McVeigh, the emotionless instigator of the most tragic terrorist attack in this country’s history, was found to be absent from his cell early Sunday morning, but Freeh has stated that the agency waited until Monday to make the announcement because they weren’t actually sure he was gone.

“Our guard Ron thought McVeigh might just be out on a walk or weeding in the Terra Haute organic garden — which by the way won 8 tomato gold medals at

Needs a Bug-Zapper Page 11

Final Super-Squad...?

Page 10

photo by the Standing Subcommittee for Sun God Rampage Photos

The Federal Bureau of Investigation has missplaced the graphic intended for the McVeign article.

the Indiana state fair last October.

Ron is new and he didn’t realize that the maximum-security inmates

aren’t supposed to be let out of their cells. Whaddaya gonna do?”

Though many are upset at the

FBI’s failure to stay on top of this high profile case, Freeh asserts that continued: see McVeigh, page 3

ERC Campus Construction Stopped Officials say they just got bored

By Adina Ackerman Staff Writer UCSD — In a startling new development, Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs Joseph Watson announced yesterday that construction of the new campus for Eleanor Roosevelt College would be halted next Monday due to lack of interest. In his address to the student body yesterday, Watson cited monetary problems and land permit requirements as additional constraints on the already underbudgeted fifth campus. However, he made it clear that the primary reason for halting construction was the utter ambivalence of all those involved in the project.

Speaking on behalf of the UC Regents and UCSD administration, Watson said, “We are aware that we have set many goals for the completion of the campus and that we have invested a lot of time and money into this project. But the fact of the matter is, we just don’t give a shit.”

Watson reported that only 16% of the Regents were in favor of finishing the new campus, while 43% wished to discontinue construction. A whopping 41% of the Regents didn’t even raise their hands to vote. Apparently most of the Regents did not have the slightest inkling as to what the vote was

about. Said one Regent who would like to be kept anonymous for safety purposes, “I really wasn’t aware that ERC stood for Eleanor Roosevelt College. I thought we were voting on Evangelical Religions for Christ. I myself am agnostic, so I stepped out of this one.”

Student response to the announcement has been surprisingly unresponsive. Though the Vice Chancellor held a question-andanswer session after his treatise, not a single student remained in the audience at the end of his speech to comment or query. Evidently most students wandered away from the speech area upon reaching terminal boredom. Incidentally, Papa John’s Pizza reported record delivery orders during that same period.

ERC freshman Heather Lions agreed to comment on behalf of the student body. “I don’t think anyone cares about this. Personally, I thought all that construction was gonna be a new parking structure. I totally couldn’t care less. I mean, I got housing in Pepper Canyon next year.”

The reasoning behind the termination of construction is that a new campus does not adhere to the educational objective of Eleanor Roosevelt College. ERC Provost Ann Craig explained, “We felt that we could not fairly en-

lighten our students about world cultures by promoting the erection of earthquake-safe structures for the sole interests of the upper class in an industrialized democratic society. Having students live in a large dirt hole in the ground will better their understanding of third world countries.”

Craig then added, “I do believe that ERC students will appreciate

Unemployable Sociology Grad Classifieds, F3

the gaping chasm as a pleasant environment within which they can pursue their academic studies. The relaxed, rustic setting will induce students to interact with one another and to celebrate the natural world. Maybe they will appreciate six quarters of ‘The Making of the Modern World’ once they have to worm around in a fucking hole for two years.”

Loser Pledges Frat Page 5.0

Falsified Quote

“I will eat your babies.

They’re sickly sweet, good to eat.”

photo by Alex Doherty

The new ERC campus will be an accurate testament to Eleanor Roosevelt’s beauty.

-Guy who played Jonathon on “Who’s the Boss”

May 31, 2001

Page 2

Hello UCSD Ask a Poli-Sci Major Dear Irked,

Dear Colin, I’m having a problem with my roommate. She just won’t clean her dishes. My other roommates and I have tried to convince her to do her fair share, but she just won’t listen.

What can I do?

By Colin Parent Editor in Chief Since my first go at this “editorial” thing last issue, I’ve been getting a lot of comments. Most such comments were about my unusually large photo of myself.

Yeah, I guess it was pretty big.

But hey, when you’re trying to fill space, a picture may not be worth a thousand words, but they’ll usually cover about 350.

Actually though, I’ve been getting a lot of questions. It’s quite flattering really. For some reason, there’s a group of people on campus that I’ve managed to dupe into thinking I know what I’m talking about. Maybe people mistakenly put some credibility in my editorship, or position on AS council, but nonetheless, our letter box has been literally stuffed with questions and requests for help.

I originally intended to ignore all these questions, (my mother always told me being aloof was “cute,”) but during production this weekend, we had a little space to fill. So, for selfish reasons only, I’m including advice in this space.

Also, I should mention again that I’m a poli-sci major, and as such, some of my answers may come from a very noticeable perspective.

Sincerely, Bobina in Blake Dear Bobina, The best way to deal with such a collaborative action problem is to form a broad-based coalition within the confines of the system to oppose the shirking inaction of the dissident entity. This way, the shirker can be isolated within a collaborative embargo, forcing their compliance if they ever again want to interact with the overall system. Of course, rogue institutions occasionally resist such external pressures and choose to reinforce their isolation, but economic deterrents usually counteract any such insurrection. *** Dear Colin, I’m having a bit of a spat with my boyfriend. He’s been, well, I’ll be blunt, he’s been “cutting me off,” whenever we get into a fight. For the first couple of times, I just gave in, but now it’s happening over every little thing. He stopped holding my hand cause I said the Lakers didn’t have a chance to make it to the semi-finals. I just don’t know what to do.

-Irked in ERC

but one must not overlook the institutional factors of patriotism and paternalism. Historically speaking, the best way for such a subordinate to successfully gain its independence is to unilaterally declare itself as free. This declara-

tion must be backed up with a credible threat of conflict, determined to be more costly than the likely benefits of reacquiring dominance. I would also suggest the utility of a preemptive air-strike. ***

It seems to me that this is a classic slippery slope dilemma. By consenting to the first demand, credibility has been eliminated. A precedent of compliance has been created, and is being rationally exploited. To rectify this situation, the system must be adjusted to include a credible threat of noncompliance, where demands will not be easily met. Of course, the danger of this plan is the escalation of the conflict to a rational war of sustained attrition, in which neither party will readily win, and wait continually for the other to break. *** Dear Colin, I am having issues with my parents. They seem to think they can control my life. Whenever they call, they’re all, “Make sure to check your tire pressure,” and “You still better not be wearing a swimsuit into the shower.” I just don’t know how to make them respect me.

Sincerely, -Perturbed in Pepper Canyon Dear Perturbed, It’s typically a problem for parent institutions to allow for the independence of their subordinate bodies. Realists may suggest that such deterrence of self-guidance is meant only to prevent the subordinate creation from threatening the existence of its creating entity,

photo by Colin McParent

Assistant Editor in Chief, Nick Lieberknecht, enjoying the finer side of the MQ, the delicious baked goods. Aside from being a great AS VP Internal, Jenn Brown makes a mean batch of cookies. Editor’s Note:Yes those are cookies in the shape of M’s and Q’s.

Hall of Heroes For those of you who don’t know, MQ Editors Geoff Moss and Sean Powell are graduating onto bigger and better things.

They’ve meant a lot to this paper, and they’ll be missed a great deal. Some of you older cats may remember that the MQ was not always a purely humor newspaper. Our roots are in a simple college-level newspaper, with, no lie: NEWS! But under the vision and leadership of Geoff and Sean, we have evolved from a small, Muir-specific organization, to a University-wide publication, with distribution and staff ranging throughout the five colleges.

We wish them the best of luck, and many of us mourn their monopolization of two of the most attractive women at UCSD. Thanks guys, you will be missed.

-Colin

MQ Staff

Editor in Chief – Colin Parent Asst. Editor in Chief – Nick Lieberknecht Content Editor – Jasmine de Lung Asst. Content Editor – James Meeker Design Editor – Liz Erwin Asst. Design Editor – Reid Barrett Bidness Editor – The Michael Zank Webmaster – Michael Truex Human Aquisitions – Laura Paajanen Legal Consultant – Skippy Pinipper External Relations – Mike Selvaggio DC Correspondent – Elijah Zarlin MQ Mom – Megan Laver Adviser – Patty Mahaffey SOLO Adviser – Nikki Cayanan Not Forgotten – Geoff Moss and Sean Powell

The MQ ToastMasters: As Good Looking in Person

photo by Ansel “Gomez” Adams “The views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ and our members. While the MQ is a registered student organization at the University of California, San Diego, the University neither supports nor endorses this publication or its contents. Additionally, the views expressed in this publication do not represent those of the University of California, the Regents, their officers, or employees. The members of the MQ as publishers of the MQ are entirely responsible for its content and they bear the full legal responsibility for any and all consequences arising from its publication.”

The following is the fake disclaimer: To the MQ staff: I’ve only been a part of this publication for two years now, but history and rumor allow me to safely say that you all have been the most productive and creative group of people ever to have worked for her. Geoff, I learned a lot from you, and will do my best to fill your shoes. Sean, I will always fear you, and envy your tolerance. Nick-The best wingman ever. LizA powder-keg who’ll always command my respect. Mike S.-The creative heart of the MQ. Elijah-I have a feeling you’d make a funeral entertaining. James-Very intimidating, and suspiciously funny. Jasmine<Insert explicitly sexual comment here> Truex- Subtlety funny, and a good roommate (I hope!). LauraGood luck with they boy-toys. Zank-Mr. T will NOT date you. Megan: London-on, and good luck next year. Reid-You’re last ‘cause you’re the freshman, ah, but what a freshman. Pedro-Sweet Pedro, we’ll let you out of the cabinet when you stop screaming. Thanks guys, you made UCSD for me.

MQ Staff Justin Williams Hal Melom Jeffrey Trattner Meg O’Neill Sean Kane Adam Armstead Ivan Wick Irene Lee

Adina Ackerman Claire Suttle Dale E. Burner Jr. Alex Doherty Jon Cole Doug Hanes James Meeker Jeff MacGurn

Jacob Campos Sharon Shapiro David Anderson Erika Cheng Stephanie Chen Justin Gardner Randi Lee Nick Thaler

MQ Booster Club Captain of the Burrito Support Squad: Lauren “From Warren” Lee The Fully Empowered Jenn Brown (and her roommates) Apprenticed Burrito-Fetcher, Kevin HSU Kelly Johnson (Too sick to bake, get well!)

May 31, 2001

Page 3

DYNES RESIGNS; Everyone Offended

By James Meeker Assitant Content Editor UCSD Chancellor Robert Dynes offered his resignation last Friday at a press conference, after failing to get the support of the UC Regents for a controversial plan to increase diversity on the UCSD campus. Dynes endured a barrage of criticism since he announced his plan, which encourages students from over-represented cultural groups to adopt the identities of underrepresented minorities.

“UCSD has often been criticized for being unfriendly to minority students,” said Dynes, “and while we are doing our best to admit a more diverse student body, I thought it would be a good-faith gesture to hide all of our Honkies

until the admissions data are a little more favorable.”

Dynes’ plan drew a large number of student protesters, who objected to changing their cultural affiliation. “Dynes offered me twenty bucks to put on blackface during Admit Day,” said Francis Stevens, a Caucasian student, “I guess he wanted to make it seem like there were more black students on campus than there really are.” Stevens added, “As the descendent of English-American immigrants, I was very offended. Dynes’ plan completely ignores the value of contributions from my own rich cultural heritage, like eating blood pudding and having bad teeth.”

Underrepresented minority groups have also expressed anger towards Dynes’ plan. “It’s incredibly insulting that Dynes is mak-

ing a bunch of white boys pretend to be African-American,” said Joseph Masterson, chair of UCSD’s African-American Student Union.

“Not only did he have them wearing blackface, which is racist and insensitive in and of itself, but he was passing out note cards with ‘common Negro phrases’ on them.

The cards told students to say things like, ‘I like fried chicken and wassamelon’ and ‘Give me yo’ shoes, or I’ll bust a cap in yo’ white ass.’ How much more degrading and out of touch could the administration get?”

Although Dynes’ plan targeted Caucasian students, AsianAmerican students were also encouraged to change their cultural

identities. “I included Asians because they’re the most over-represented group on campus,” said Dynes, “and while they are certainly more diverse than white students, it would be nice if they would diversify a little more.”

“He asked me if I could look less ‘Oriental’ and more ‘Mexican,’” said Christina Wu, a Chinese-American senior from Warren College, “then he asked me to do a hat dance for him!”

While the majority of UCSD students opposed Dynes’ plan, a small number of students expressed enthusiasm. “I think it’s great that UCSD is improving its image as a diverse institution,” said Caucasian student Mike

Adams, “and how could I not help, with all the guilt and shame I carry as a white male? If wearing a little blackface will help make up for the centuries of oppression that I’ve inflicted on my fellow students, then I’m all for it.”

Dynes has expressed disappointment that his plan received such strong opposition, and that the UC Regents failed to support him. “I thought the Regents would love to have yet another measure that creates the illusion of diversity, rather than actually developing an atmosphere of respect and understanding,” said Dynes during the Friday press conference, “just like when they repealed SP-1 and SP-2.”

McVeigh: Lost by FBI

continued from page 1

the error was an insignificant and harmless one. “It’s important to note that McVeigh’s being misplaced, and the fact that he is probably running free, in no way detracts from his guilt or from the FBI’s case against him.”

Continuing, Freeh added, “People forget the size of the organization we’re running here, as well as the large number of federal inmates we have to keep track of. It has to be expected that say, a few thousand documents or a couple of mass-murdering federal prisoners will be misplaced occasionally.”

Needless to say, McVeigh’s Lawyers are furious. “This is a ridiculous obstruction of justice,” exploded attorney Robert Neigh. “My job as counsel is to get my client out of prison. But if he’s not in prison how am I supposed to get him out? I feel confident that if we could find him, Mr. McVeigh would be really pissed by this whole ordeal.”

Though Neigh’s voice was greatly impeded by the cumbersome bomb-squad-style fullbody protection suit he was

wearing, he continued. “It’s cruel and unusual punishment to boot. My client is guaranteed certain rights during the extent of his incarceration. If the FBI doesn’t know where he is, how can they know if he’s receiving his constitutionally guaranteed rights?”

Borrowing a tactic from OJ Simpson counsel Johnny Cochran, Neigh has not been without catchy phrases during this ordeal. While Cochran had his, “If it doesn’t fit you must acquit,” Neigh has been frequently declaring, “If he’s not in his cell, then you smell!”

“Find this Bomber, or I’ll have sex with your daughter!” and “If you lose a guy who’s killed 176, then that’s very disappointing!”

As the search continues for McVeigh, Freeh has assured the public that the FBI does not intend for any more inmates to be lost. To prevent them, Freeh is implementing a new plan, in which federal inmates will be shot as soon as they are convicted in court. “That way, they won’t just be sitting in jail, where they are pretty likely to just disappear.”

photo by Clarence Thomas

Chancellor Dynes, representin’. Word, mazzletovh, ole’.

Sean - I’m gonna miss having you around, buddy. Geoff - Cheryl told me to tell you that she’s breaking up with you and moving in with me at our house. Love, Zank.

Geoff, Sean, I’m gonna miss your meat... “slurp!” Lovingly and submissively, Jasmine Sean, Geoff: a father I hardly knew, a grandpa with a weak, heart o’ gold,when I’m a Senior I’ll be telling stories about you. Remeber that cool, refreshing taste that never lets you down -Reid

UCSD Physiology Major Disappointed by Realities of “Study Abroad” Program

By Reid Barrett International Student INTERNATIONAL CENTER—At 8:41pm PDT yesterday, Justin Baker, a Physiology major at Marshall, became fully aware of the purpose of the Study Abroad Program, causing an abrupt and drastic change in Baker’s desire to participate in the program.

Baker had been attending the UCSD International Center’s informational seminar about the Study Abroad Program when these new facts hit him. Baker had this to say: “The meeting had started at 8:00, and I had gotten there early to get a seat way up front. Usually I sit in the back and zone out during cheesy info sessions, but I wasn’t gonna miss this! But all during the meeting they had been talking about going to different countries and grades and housing and other cultures and stuff. About half-way

through the meeting it hit me—I had major misconceptions about this program.”

This realization could not have come at a worse time for Baker. He reported, “The [International Center] representative had just finished talking about how we might need to learn a foreign tongue, and I was like, alright, I guess they get a lot of immigrants in this program, no problem.” Baker then asked about receiving credit for this program. “I thought it couldn’t get any better than this: getting credit for something I like to do anyway.

But then the guy was like, ‘credit is based upon performance’ and I was like, ‘fuck!’”

Baker is known for poor performances in this type of situation.

When asked for comment, Baker’s former study partner replied that Baker “does not exactly measure up, if you know what I mean.”

Baker’s confusion continued as he was passing brochures to those

sitting behind him. “I thought there would be more guys at this thing,” said Baker, “but it was mostly chicks, and they didn’t look like the ‘Study Abroad’ kind.

Then, when I looked at the brochure, all I saw were pictures of people in front of the Eiffel Tower and stuff. And they had their clothes on! What a letdown.”

Baker, disillusioned and dismayed, attempted to find some solace in the informational session. Baker’s interest in the “Study Abroad” program reignited when he heard that he could go to Mount Holyoke, Bryn-Mawr, Wellsley or Smith, all female colleges. “Well, I guess if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, eh? I think my chances of ‘Studying Abroad’ are still pretty good with those kinds of odds. But my first choice so far is Beaver College in England; sounds like just the place for a guy who wants to get some…education.”

photo by Reid Barrett

Join the ranks of the few, the proud, and the strong: the Beavers.

May 31, 2001

Page 4

MQ SILLY PURCHASE OF THE WEEK: The MQ has just learned that late Monday, a man drove a RYDER rental truck to Crazy Bob’s Central Valley Farm Supply in Aptos, California where he purchased 15,000 pounds of fertilizer. We don’t know about you, but there’s nothing we’d rather have than a big yellow truck filled with horse shit. What a silly purchase.

P TO10

Reasons Y ou Can’t You Feel Y our Legs: Your

Your Boyfriend Is Ugly

By The Michael Zank Business Manager In a story the MQ has been following for several weeks, it has been determined that your boyfriend is ugly. It wasn’t a big surprise, considering you’re not much of a looker yourself.

“We just couldn’t bring ourselves to tell you,” said some of your friends. “It’s been so long since a guy asked you out that we kept our mouths shut. You could do way better; you just need to take care of your mustache and go to the gym once in a while.”

The MQ decided to run the story after we learned that you and your boyfriend began getting “more serious.” Since this development could potentially lead to

actions that might result in procreation, we thought we had an obligation to let you know. If the two of you had kids, they would be very ugly, and we don’t want that. It wouldn’t be fair to them, or us.

His suitemates have no idea what you see in him. “I figure you think he’s a nice guy or something, cause he sure isn’t good-looking,” said one, speaking on condition of anonymity. “If you had any idea what he does when you’re not around…oh, my goodness!”

“I mean, I understand if he has a monster cock or something,” said your best friend, “or maybe if he’s rich or has a cool place that he’ll let you live in next year, rentfree. But otherwise, you should

dump him, cause he looks disgusting. Kind of like a frog.”

“We were first tipped off about him while researching a story about kids at the Preuss School,” said Assistant Editor Nick Lieberknecht. “Evidently, they would all cry whenever he walked by their playground. We looked into it and found he was a CSE major from Revelle and worked at Radio Shack. Everything just clicked from there.”

Lieberknecht added, “Do you want to maybe get some coffee after you’re done reading this article, like, to talk? Maybe come up to my apartment for a drink?

I’m not ugly, just so you know.”

Your boyfriend was unavailable for comment, but he sent you some flowers. What a nice guy.

10. Polio 9. Kryptonite (or you fell off your horse) 8. You’re a whale 7. Massive erection 6. You’re a paraplegic 5. You couldn’t say no at Sun God 4. Your parents put a rubber band around your legs in infancy 3. You breathe poison for UCSD med students for $20/hr 2. They are somewhere in ‘Nam 1. You chewed them off to escape certain death in the jaws of a bear trap

photo by The Michael Zank

Don’t turn around unless you want everyone to know you have an ugly boyfriend.

Scientists Suggest More Logical Breast Placement Hope to avoid more embarrassing situations

by Adam Armstead Staff Writer The society of Bioengineers at UCSD announced yesterday at their monthly meeting their plans to improve upon one of God’s horrible physiological mistakes by attempting to move a female’s breasts closer to her eye level. The bioengineers hope to improve the conversation skills of men everywhere by reducing the distance between a female’s face and her breasts, thereby making it more convincing that men care what the female is talking about.

Proponents of the plan, notably Revelle first year Alan McGrady, feel that this procedure increases the opportunity for a man to leer at a woman’s breasts without her knowledge and will greatly improve what he likes to call “ogling potential.” “If they can just find a way to keep me from drooling I’ll be set,” added McGrady.

Several other individuals, many of them from the local Dungeons and Dragons chapter, also came forward to speak in favor of the plan. One student, who wished to be known as Devlar, the black mage, was unable to return his tongue to his mouth for half an hour when he was told of the plan.

Critics of the plan feel that this opportunity for a man to gaze at bosoms will cheapen the experi-

ence of intelligent conversation.

It has been observed that thus far, all critics have been women and gay men.

One member of the Society of Bioengineers, Derrek Montoya, notes several advantages to what he calls “Project Jumblies.” “Imagine,” he began, “each nod of the head or slight movement of the neck would produce several fascinating undulations. A smile would finally be as satisfying as jumping jacks!”

Montoya explained that the procedure would be quite simple, involving only a transfer of tissue from the chest to the cheek area.

He added that the procedure would cause only a slight amount of pain, but that several men have already come forward to volunteer their time for massages. He also insures that he personally will see to the “breastular” comfort of any woman willing to undergo the operation. Dr. Richard Johnson, a distinguished scientist, admitted, “We have future hopes of altering breast location genetically, but all we can offer at the moment is corrective surgery.”

As of yet, no women have come forward to volunteer for the procedure, but the bioengineers remain optimistic. “Women will soon see the advantage,” claims Montoya, “After all, it’s as plain as the breasts that will be on their faces.”

photo by Doug Hanes and Adam Armstead

Finally, guys will actually care what girls are saying. They still won’t understand though.

May 31, 2001

Page 5

World’s Biggest Loser Pledges Fraternity Befuddled brothers wonder how he “slipped through the cracks”

By The Michael Zank Bidness Editor Members of the fraternity I Phelta Thi are upset, as they have just realized that one of their pledges, Marvin Davis, is a loser.

According to IPT rush chair Frederick Tatum, such losers are weeded out during the rush week process, but somehow Davis managed to fool the brothers.

“We typically don’t give losers bids at the end of rush week,” said Tatum. “They go home and cry, or watch X-Files, or whatever, but they aren’t given the chance to pledge. For example, if we all go to Hooters for a rush week event and one of the rushes keeps going to the bathroom every fifteen minutes to spank it, we don’t want him in IPT. Someone seriously dropped the ball by letting Marvin pledge.”

“I don’t know what went wrong. The whole point of being an IPT is that you’re way better than everyone else,” explained IPT brother Herman Jackson. “He would have dragged our average way down.”

Some brothers initially had their doubts about Davis, but kept quiet. “I don’t give a fuck,” said one. “Pledges are only good for bringing me beer and cleaning my house. I don’t talk to them or anything. He seemed like a lame-ass donkey-fucker, but he brought me beer when I told him to, so I let it slide.”

One brother who spoke out against Davis was Jim McGovern.

“We went to the beach and it was a little cold. He complained that

the girls were going to get sick because they were only wearing only bikinis. Is that really the guy you want in your frat?”

photo courtesy of Nick Lieberknechts

Presenting the gorgeous members of I Phelta Thi (clockwise from circled loser) Marvin “Douglas” Davis, Cool Guinness Drinkin’ Nick Lieberknecht, Mad game hittin’ on himself Nick, Sexy Female Nick, Cardboard Marilyn Monroe Nick, and the 3 other miscellaneous Nicks.

UCSD Student Graduates Magna Cum Laude; Parents Disappointed

photo by Alex Doherty and Adina Ackerman

With the poor job market, anyone with a GPA below 3.7 might as well start trade school now.

By Claire Suttle English Hottie Revelle Senior Kevin Okimura was found under the influence of alcohol at the edge of the cliffs yesterday; according to witnesses, his cheeks were flushed and he was preparing to jump.

Okimura is a graduating Revelle student receiving honor degrees in Biochemistry and Mechanical Engineering, with a minor in Physics. Okimura’s lab partners, who found him at the cliffs, were shocked, having never seen Okimura under the influence before.

Okimura was distraught after hearing the news that he would be receiving the honor of “Magna Cum Laude” at the upcoming Commencement ceremony. He told reporters, “I needed Suma Cum Laude…stupid fine arts requirement…what will my parents say?”

It appears that Okimura successfully managed to achieve A minuses in his two-quarter fine arts general education sequence, lowering his overall GPA to a 3.97.

Despite receiving both departmental and college honors, participating in the Engineering Honors Fraternity and holding positions in several campus-wide student organizations, Okimura is afraid of his parents’ reaction to his failure.

“I’ve never been second in my life,” he stated. “My parents will

be so ashamed…they’ll never be able to show their faces in front of their friends again.”

“I thought art classes were supposed to be easy,” says Okimura. “I spent so many sleepless nights on those two classes, once even forsaking my Engineering homework. That stupid monument project. It was a precise, accurate model of Geisel Library. I even improved it, my corners were at exactly 90 degrees, and the structure would have held all those books without being reinforced! What went wrong?”

Okimura has been accepted into Harvard Medical School on a full scholarship, but he is now reconsidering his plans for the future. Afraid that his failure to secure the top honors at graduation is just the beginning of the path to failure, Okimura’s parents question whether he is qualified to attend. “My parents will be so afraid I’m going to fail again,” said Okimura, “Perhaps I should see if Wendy’s is hiring.”

Okimura’s parents were contacted for comment, but no statements have been released. However, a local source has leaked that the family home seems to have suddenly gone up for sale, and that the blinds have been drawn since the news was announced. A close family friend was heard to comment that she doesn’t know if they will ever be able to look Okimura in the eye again.

To Sean and Geoff, While it will be nice to get molested every production, I’m going to miss you. Eat a rolled taco for me.

-the only girl not scared off by Zach

May 31, 2001

Page 6

Elton John’s Original Lyrics to Tiny Dancer

Old Tony Danza 50

Young Tony Danza

Tony Danza

23

Black jeans baby. In charge maybe. Nanny for Jon and Sam. Squinty eyes, cocky smile, you’ll be a pasta man.

The boss is in, you must have seen him. . thinkin’ he’s the man And now he’s broke, takin’ tokes. . it’s Tony Danza in his van.

Italian freaks. . out in the street. .

Chasing pre-teens, being flirty.

Rice-a-roni made by Tony Brooklyn’s not that dirty.

Cleaning man, he makes his stand In the Angels’ outfield.

Their pitching’s bad; his acting’s sad.

Alyssa’s heart he steals.

Oh, It feels so real Employment fear with Mona near.

Only you. . and you can hear me When I say softly, slowly:

Has six toes Is Italian Served as Senator from West Virginia, 1972-1978

Rod in spine from Utah skiing accident.

Provides support for construction jobs between acting gigs.

Deceptively pleasant smile: just ask Alyssa Milano.

Ticket stub from (yet another) movie that he’s not in.

Hold me closer Tony Danza.

Do the dusting in the hallway.

Make the bed with sheets of linen.

Family Law is here to stay.

Hold me closer Tony Danza.

Do the dusting in the hallway.

Make the bed with sheets of linen.

Family Law is here to stay.

12 brothers and sisters, all named Tony, Toni or Tone Real Name: Antonio LaDanza

Movie

Lapel Pin: The only remaining possession not pawned for food money.

Pockets: Empty

And now he’s in me, always with me, Tony Danza in his van.

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

W ho’s the Boss?

Tony

Bowser

Bruce

W.

Gigantic Italian Sausage: also useful when (real) acting work is in short supply.

Shoes: Perfectly shined. What else is the guy supposed to do with his time?

Clothes: Borrowed from Judd Nelson. Sort of.

May 31, 2001

Page 7

Tony Danza in 3 Easy Steps

1

In Tony’s Van

2

-Thai boy -Jimmy Hoffa

-A failed acting career

-Some spicy meat-ah-balls!

-“Boys in Blue 2, the Big Guns”

-Wine in a box -All his stuff -Mein Kampf

3 Tony Danza in his breakout role in Animal House

-A pink slip

-A feather duster

-An extensive collection of -Sausage links hang“kiss-the-cook” aprons ing from the ceiling and oven mitts.

-A harness (also hanging from the celing)

Alyssa Milano, Eva Savelot, Sam Masselli, what ever she calls herself, we love her!

May 31, 2001

Page 8

I Have a Place to Live Next Year, But You Don’t

Well, maybe you do have a place to live after all...

By David Anderson Staff Writer In the raffle that took place last month, my group made it on the list of those that will get housing on campus next year. Yours didn’t.

In fact, you can’t even find offcampus housing. There are no openings anywhere near campus.

There are no openings far from campus. There’s nothing in La Jolla, Del Mar, La Mesa, Carlsbad, Oceanside, Rancho Bernardo, Poway, Hillcrest, Clairemont, Pacific Beach, Mission Beach, or North Park. You can’t even find housing in National City.

And as if all that isn’t bad enough, everyone else you know

did find housing. It wasn’t even difficult for them. Most of the people who wanted to be on campus got it. Except you.

“Everyone I know who applied got on campus housing, except for that one person,” said Muir sophomore Ricardo Cabasa in reference to you. In fact, the predicted housing crunch on campus seems only to have affected you. Although less than half of those applying for on-campus housing were predicted to make the cut in the recent raffle, official results show that you were the only one who was denied housing.

In addition, those who were looking for housing off campus found exactly what they wanted.

They are paying reasonable rates for living arrangements that are perfectly situated just minutes from campus.

But not you.

Y o u ’ r e screwed.

“It appears that the metropolitan San Diego area will almost perfectly accommodate the local student population next year,” commented San Diego County Housing Commisphoto by Paggy Babcock sioner Summer Cummings.

“However, there is one person who seems to have gotten screwed. Not much we can do about that, is there?”

Don’t panic just yet, though.

You have options. Really, you do.

You could live in one of the many fine dumpsters available behind the commercial establishments of La Jolla, or you could obtain a cardboard box and stake your claim on the open range of the Sun God lawn. Finally, you could sleep on a cot in my living room.

No, I take that back, you can’t. I guess you really are screwed.

But I got housing, and that’s all that really matters.

P O T 10

Reasons Y ou You Won’t Get Laid This Quarter :

11. You’re afraid the stitches will pop out 10. You’re a CSE major 9. CLICS stopped renting study rooms by the hour 8. Energy crisis distracting you, can’t concentrate 7. Roommate never “In the mood” 6. It still hurts when you pee 5. They won’t let you near the Preuss School anymore 4. President Atkinson won’t return your calls, and dammit, you’re saving yourself for that man!

3. Girlfriend takes Critical Gender Studies course 2. Human Genome Project declares you unfit to breed 1. You told your section, “TA’s don’t decide grades”

P TO10

Things Y ou Wish You You Could Get With Mealpoints:

10. Cock

9. Smack 8. Gas 7. Grades 6. T-Bills 5. Lenny Kravitz 4. Third-world labor 3. Cash back 2. Black market baby 1. A friend

Teacher Hates Kid’s Superiority Complex

By Stephanie Chen Losing her Religion

school, I want him to be called by his real name. That way he’ll be sure to get the respect he deserves,” said an indignant Selena.

In response to questions about why she decided to name her son “God”, Selena was quick to defend herself. “I don’t see why people are so upset with me naming my child God. Hispanic people can name their kid Jesus, why

“My name is God. Who the hell are you?” According to Mrs. Edith Baumgartner, morning kindergarten teacher at Temple Elementary School, this was the way little God Michael Weinerdinker addressed her on the first day of class. But after five months of God just sits there painting school with no change, happy fish and bloody M r s . crosses, and signs declaring Baumgartner set the all the other children to be community sinners. on fire last Monday by taking action: she called God’s parents and recom- can’t I name my child God? I see mended him to psychological nothing wrong with that.”

According to friends of the counseling. “I felt I had no choice,” said Baumgartner in a family, Sheridan Weinerdinker has public statement afterwards. “I revealed his own thoughts on the mean, come on. The kid has a su- controversy surrounding his son.

“It’s my wife’s fault, really. I periority complex.” wanted to name him Fabian, or God’s parents, Selena and Sheridan Weinerdinker, explained Oliver, but my wife said those were their case at a PTA meeting yes- sissy names. Like “God” is any terday in an effort to fight Mrs. better. Look at him, he’s a freak!

Mr. Baumgartner’s request. “We’ve A social pariah!”

Weinerdinker also expressed conbeen calling him Michael at home for years. But now that he’s in cern about how his son’s future

is going to be affected by having the name “God”. “At this rate,” says Sheridan, “he’ll never get to be captain of the badminton team, or have sex on prom night with a cheerleader, or be president of the French club, or any of the other things guys should do in high school.

Nooooooo…the memories…it’s too painful!” at which point M r .

Weinerdinker ran from the room while screaming and cursing. Mrs. Baumgartner, despite being heavily criticized by parents and teachers alike for being so harsh on God, continues to stand her ground on the issue. “Children at this age are supposed to be determining who has cooties, or eating paste. Or using paste-eating ability to determine who has Not your father’s

cooties. While the other children are finger-painting indecipherable squiggles or warped puppies, God just sits there painting happy fish and bloody crosses, and signs declaring all the other children to be sinners.”

Mrs. Baumgartner went on to say that God offers his favorite

classmates the chance for forgiveness in exchange for lunch money or HoHos. “He even offered me forgiveness at one point,” said a regretful Baumgartner. “That is, of course, only if I promised to change all his grades on his report card into pluses so that his parents wouldn’t put him in time out.”

photo by Doug, a Catholic (currently)

Catholic Church

May 31, 2001

Page 9

Democrats to Republicans: “SUCK IT!”

By Elijah Zarlin DC Correspondant

photo by Doug Hanes and Liz Erwin

Their parents would be so proud, the Democrats have finally matured.

P TO10

Ways to T ell Y our R oommate is a Tell Your Roommate Dirty Commie Rat:

10. Watches Enemy at the Gates every night 9. Colossal statue of Lenin is taking up closet space 8. Copy of Das Kapital kept on night table, under picture of Chairman Mao 7. Owns both a hammer and a sickle 6. Always finds ways to use “bourgeois pig” in a sentence 5. Talks of “5 year plan” for college 4. Believes that the worker should control the means of production 3. Salutes housekeeper as ‘Comrade’ 2. Shouts “Workers of the world unite!” in his sleep 1. When you dunk him in water, he floats

WASHINGTON, DC—Alienated by a Republican Party characterized by its fiscal responsibility, sound energy policy and unabashed hatred of people who aren’t white, Vermont senator James Jeffords announced Thursday that he will defect from the GOP and identify himself as an Independent. The move is significant not just because it occurred in a branch of government where nothing interesting ever happens, but because it changes the balance of power in the Senate, giving Democrats the coveted majority formerly held by the Republicans.

“Fuck yeah!” said current Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle (D) upon hearing the news that the Democrats would gain control of the Senate. “Can I get a ‘what, what!?!’ We’re going to fucking tear this shit up!”

Daschle has been clearly frustrated by the Republican-controlled government, and seemed excited about the prospect of becoming the majority leader.

“I’m gonna shit, and they’re gonna like it!” Daschle said Thursday, responding to a reporter’s question about the first thing he will do upon becoming majority leader. “If the Republicans have a problem with that, they can smile like a doughnut and suck my big wang!”

Senate Democratic Whip Harry Reid seemed to share Daschle’s sentiments. “Despite broad bipartisan outreach efforts on the part of the Democrats, the Republicans have continued to totally blow goats,” said Reid, addressing 8th grade students visiting Washington from Eastmont Middle School in the Senator’s home state of Nevada. “To Republicans, I say: Eat

a D! The worthless fucks.”

Majority Leader Trent Lott (R) criticized the Democrats’ attacks, calling them “politics as usual.”

Pondering the Republicans’ loss of power on Thursday, Lott tried to remain optimistic, adding, “Shit! I can’t believe we lost the goddamn fucking majority. I hate my life. Being majority leader sucked anyway.”

Daschle seemed unconvinced however, saying, “The job of Senate majority leader is very important because, as majority leader, you get to do a lot of majority leader-ish things that only a majority leader can do. Take it all, bitch!”

Though the Democrats are excited, they realize that their transition to what Reid calls “total Senatorial domination” will not be easy.

“We’re gonna have to move all the leadership offices, change our business cards, memorize our new titles and make even more interns disappear. This stuff is totally hard.”

Asked for a comment about his decision to leave the Republican Party, Jeffords actually had little to say, simply stating that he preferred to express his feelings in an interpretive dance. He then crossed his arms over his crotch and vigorously pumped them up and down while making chimpanzee noises.

In the meantime, Republicans are emphasizing the fact that they still have control of the Senate and intend to press forward with the meaningful agenda that has been demanded by the American people.

That agenda is “more sex,” said Lott. “A lot more. And that’s what we want to give em.”

“Fucking A!” said Daschle.

“They may be Republicans, but they sure can go down in style.”

John Muir College Student Takes Shower No remarkable circumstances

By Adina Ackerman Staff Writer UCSD - On Tuesday, May 29th at 9:37pm, Muir freshman Gerald Loomis took a shower in his suite bathroom, located on the 6th floor of Tioga Hall. Loomis reportedly entered the bathroom at 9:33pm that night, where he glanced at himself in the full-length mirror before going into the toilet stall to urinate.

Once finished, Loomis flushed the toilet and walked to the second shower stall on his right. “That’s my favorite one,” he explained.

Loomis did not need to transport shampoo or soap to the shower, since he normally keeps his toiletries in the shower itself.

As a result, he had his hands free to pull the plastic privacy curtain across the shower stall and hang his towel on the provided wall hooks. Which hook did Loomis employ for his dry towel? The second one. “That’s also my favorite,” Loomis said.

When asked for details sur-

rounding his shower Tuesday night, Loomis happily obliged.

“Tuesdays are sort of my ‘stress day,’ if you will,” he said. “I have three classes, including one discussion, which start at 9:35 in the morning and go until 4:25, with a few hours in-between. Usually when I’m done with classes I come home, watch TV, and shoot hoops at the basketball court by the Main Gym. Sometimes I go to RIMAC with my friends and lift weights. I like to just chill out on Tuesday nights because usually I’m tired by the time my day is over—you know, having morning classes and afternoon classes on the same day.” Apparently, Loomis’ shower on Tuesday night was not an outof-the-ordinary experience. He relates, “Yeah, I usually take a shower at about nine every night.

After I eat and chill a bit, I take a shower. Pretty much everyday.”

Loomis’ roommate Josh Glover agreed to contribute to the story.

“Tuesday night was pretty normal and laid back. Gerald came home

in the afternoon, we watched some TV - Money Talks. I have the DVD. Then...” Glover paused to think, then finished, “Yeah, then we went to dinner, came home, worked on the computer—actually we were just on AIM. Then at about 9:30 Gerald put on his away message and got up, got undressed, and said he was going to take a shower.

I guess he did. Take a shower I mean. ‘Cause he came back like 20 minutes later and his hair was all wet. Then he put on his boxers and did some homework. Just like any other night.”

Several others noticed Loomis’ shower. Says Richard Reys, “I was sitting on the can when Gerald came in and took a piss next to me.

Then he took a shower.”

Brian Gunther revealed that he was in his room when he saw Loomis walking to the bathroom.

He says, “I was in my room and saw Loomis walking to the bathroom.”

Loomis’ mom was unavailable for comment.

photo by Nick Lieberknecht

The MQ is no longer allowed in residence halls on campus. Or near minors. Note: restrictions due to separate incidents.

Dear Sean, I am looking forward to being you next year. Some questions... When is Dani moving in with me? When will I get an A in philosophy? When will all my residents fall in love with me? -K.I.T. Friends forever, have a great summer, love you!

Page 10

May 31, 2001

May 31, 2001

Page 11

Non-Science Equals Non-Employable

By Geoff Moss Graduating CSE Major As graduation approaches, seniors tingle with excitement knowing that life in the “real world” waits ahead. All seniors, that is, except for a sad lot known to UCSD administrators as “The Unemployables.”

“Students majoring in Sociology, Anthropology, Critical Gender Studies, and even Classical Studies are headed straight for unemployment,” admits Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs Joe Watson. “Over the last ten years, we’ve noticed that most of these graduates move out of their cushy La Jolla playpens and move straight to the dumpster behind the Taco King.”

While no clear solution, short of eliminating the offending departments, is visible, Watson’s short-term solution is simple: go to graduate school.

Sociology graduate student Henry Moore agrees. “When I finished my undergraduate work here, in 1987, I realized that there was nowhere for me to go, nothing for me to do. I was getting turned down for minimum-wage paying jobs at Burger King for God’s sake! That’s when I turned to graduate school. It has kept me clothed and off the streets for almost 15 years now!”

Federal student aid programs and a long course of study are keeping many of these unemployable peoples off the streets.

Whereas a Computer Science or Political Science degree will earn a job, or at least have a future, “The Unemployables” are destined to a life of stealing half-eaten meals from garbage cans, muttering to themselves alone on park benches, and generally smelling of urine.

This spring, UCSD will graduate a record 1,000 “Unemployables.” To accommodate this record-breaking number, there has been a change in the all campus commencement ceremonies. As opposed to handing out fake diplomas, as is usually done, Chancellor Dynes will be handing

each of these poor souls a “Hobo kit.” This kit will consist of a hip flask full of whiskey, an array of dirty, flannel shirts, and a stylish hobo carrying sack – comprised of a stick and red bandana.

Despite the grim outlook, there is hope for “The Unemployables.” Well, that’s not true, but there is hope for the future! “While there’s really nothing we can do to make these people employable,” admits Joe

Watson, “we can warn future students that the humanities don’t really work and will lead to a life of squalor and destitution.”

Amen. photo by Laura Paajanen

The hobo kit, a necessity for any graduating social science or humanities major.

President George Bush Unveils New Missile Defense System “I thought of it all by myself,” touts Bush

By Doug Hanes Staff Writer WASHINGTON, D.C.—President George W. Bush announced his plan for a new missile defense system today, calling it “Project Pretty Blue Light.” According to Bush, the project will consist of giant bug zappers placed at various locations across the globe.

“I thought it up all by myself,” proclaimed the President, with a vacant grin on his face. In a brief speech consisting mostly of monosyllabic words, Bush explained how the system would work. “It will be a bunch of those blue bug zapper lights, like we had at home, only bigger,” said Bush. “The missiles will fly by and won’t be able to resist going towards them. I know I never could. Then, ‘Boom!’ the missiles will blow up.” When asked about power supplies for the proposed defense system, Bush said that details for the project would be left up to “those science guys.”

Bush added that the placement of the individual defense sites will be left up to Vice President Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, because they are better at remembering the countries with long names. According to a senior aide, the Vice President had no comment because he is, “still trying to figure out who let him [Bush] out of the house.” Rumsfeld will actually oversee the project personally to ensure its completion despite the fact that he first heard of the project during Bush’s press conference. “I had to keep my idea a secret,” the President explained, “I’m not supposed to do any thinking.”

Response from the international community, where Bush’s popularity has been waning the past few weeks, was one of astonishment. After the first five minutes of uncontrollable laughter, Russian

President Vladimir Putin said that he would not support any move on the United States’ part to violate the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty, a foundation for nuclear arms balance for the past three de-

cades. Putin remarked, “Wow. I can’t believe anyone actually thought of this. Although I must admit, it is more realistic than Star Wars.”

photo by Doug Hanes, Adam Armstead & the Michael Zank

“Ow.... Ow... Ow.... Ow... Ow... Ow.... Ow... Ow... Ow.... Ow... Ow... Ow.... Ow...”

Page 12

May 31, 2001

Trading Cards: Cereal Killers

Smack, Crack & Pot

Turnin’ Trix Rabbit

1 kilo

8.5”

Bad Habit: They drink their bongwater Fortified With: 8 essential controlled substances

Verdict: Silly Rabbit, Dix aren’t for kids

“Lucky” Charms

Mikey (The Lifer)

Thrown out for stealing 2nd base

13

Eats: Babies Pot of gold actually full of clam chowder Tastes: Magically malicious

06

Crime: No suga’ Sentence: Life Older and Badder than ever

Son of Toucan Sam

Busta Cap’n Crunch

77

9mm

Slogan: “Follow Your Nose” Where it Leads: The fetid corpses of his victims

Demoted from Admiral for excessive force “Wanna play with my Crunch Berries?”

Fat Tony “da Tiga”

Cinnamon Toast Gang

24 kt

Preys on: Unarmed drivers Wanted for: Grrrrrrand Theft Auto

X3 1

Strength: In Numbers Weakness: Eating each other Note: There used to be three

Hey Kids!!!

Time for another fun picture to color.

Just don’t forget:

“B” is for Bong.