MQ
Volume VolumeVIII VII Issue Issue III
World’s Greatest Grandpa, 1987-1989
University of California, San Diego
Stereotypical Rogue Cop Only Man for the Job By Colin Parent Editor in Chief Under pressure from city officials to keep a crime spree by violent European criminal-masterminds “low-profile,” Chicago Police Chief Arnie Carbuncle assigned lone-wolf detective Mike MacMurphay to deal with the situation. “MacMurphay’s a ‘nut-job,’” said Carbuncle. “But if anyone could get this kind of job done, it’s MacMurphay.” MacMurphay, who is well known in the precinct as a “loose cannon,” maintains a manner of grudging respect among his fellow officers. “MacMurphay pulls some crazy stunts, but he may be the best cop we have on the force,” said former partner Jake Carmichael. “Like that time when he commandeered the Mayor’s car to chase down two street punks running off with his mother’s pen-
sion check. We totaled that car three weeks ago and the commissioner ’s still riding MacMurphay about it.” Carmichael continued as he lay in a full body cast in Our Lady of Peace Public Hospital. “He may have stuck me here on disability for a couple of months, but you can rest assured his mother’s not worried about payin’ for her medication.” MacMurphay’s record of recklessness has endeared him to both his colleagues and his superiors. “I remember the first assignment I gave MacMurphay when he was transferred to my precinct for disobeying a superior and grossly endangering the lives of civilians,” chuckled police chief Carbuncle. “I sent him and his partner after a suspected car thief, and MacMurphay landed two city councilmen in intensive care and burned down a catholic orphanage. That was exactly one week before I asked him to be my son’s godfather.”
September 20, 2001
Freshman’s Move-in, “a Real Handful” Page 6
Final Super-Squad...? Page 10 photo by James Meeker
MacMurphay: On his own; holding his own.
MacMurphay’s history of dangerous dereliction of duty and hardcore drug use has led cowork-
ers and city officials to categorize him as “a real character.” continued: see ROUGE COP, page 3
Freshman’s Roommate: Yoda! By The Michael Zank Bidness Editor Muir College – Meeting one’s first college roommate is an exciting experience for many, but it was an extraordinary one for Muir College freshman Josh Grey, who moved into the dorms to discover that he would share a room with Jedi Master Yoda. Grey was originally paired with Larry O’Dell from Vacaville, but Larry was expelled from school due to what Muir Residential Life describes as a “waffle-iron incident” at an orientation session in June. Yoda, who was first on the waiting list for dorm space, took his place. “I was totally stoked when I saw Yoda in the room, unpacking his robes and whatnot,” said Grey, clearly bedazzled. “He’s a member of the Jedi council! He said he might be able to get me an internship there during the summer.” “I remember our first conversation,” Grey continued, “We introduced ourselves and I said, ‘so, where are you from?’ and he said ‘Dagobah,’ and I was like, ‘oh, yeah, that’s right.’ I felt really stupid. Then we went out to try and meet some of the girls on our floor. We started talking to a couple of girls across the hall. They thought he was cute, but short. Yoda was like, ‘Whoa, babes, size matters not!’” “Most of us on the floor wanted to go to a party that night, but he didn’t want to,” added Grey. “We told him it would be
full of adventure and excitement, but he got mad and said, ‘Adventure? Heh! Excitement? Heh! A Jedi craves not these things!’” Josh’s father, David, was impressed by Yoda’s use of the Force during the move-in. “It would have been a real pain in the behind getting the mini-fridge up the stairs,” he said, “but the little guy just picked it up with his mind Stock Photo and floated it His Mediclorian count is dwarfed only by his Blood Alcohol Level. up to the sevnaire, Grey has found many simienth floor while he and I conversed about the potential short- inside, digging through all my larities between himself and Yoda. term yield of stock in gold-mining stuff! I told him to stop, but he “It turns out that we both like to companies. He saved me from mak- kept tossing stuff out all over the play guitar, are most comfortable ing a big mistake with my financial floor, playing with my flashlight in a ‘small group of friends,’ and future. Gold stocks? What was I and eating my White Cheddar are ‘moderately tolerant’ of alcoCheez-Its! I grabbed him and held hol,” he said, regarding the anthinking?!” Like any new roommates, there him out the window until he swers they gave on the questionwas some initial friction between agreed to pick up the mess he naire. Grey added, “And since he’s 900 years old, he can legally Josh and Yoda. “I set down a box made.” Grey acknowledges that their buy beer for both of us! For somefull of some snacks and everyday items and went back down to the relationship “has improved” since one who’s only ‘moderately tolerant’ of alcohol, he sure likes to car to get some more of my stuff,” then. Even though they were not throw ‘em back!” explained Josh. “When I came back up, the little green bugger had matched by the Residential Life tipped the box over and crawled Staff’s compatibility question-
One in Ten, One in Ten... Personals, D8
6th College Provost announces Dean’s Staff Page 42-28-36
Falsified Quote
“I only do two things on Sunday, and sinnin’s the other one.” -Future Hall-ofFamer Darryl Strawberry