MQ
Volume VolumeVIII VII Issue Issue III
World’s Greatest Grandpa, 1987-1989
University of California, San Diego
Stereotypical Rogue Cop Only Man for the Job By Colin Parent Editor in Chief Under pressure from city officials to keep a crime spree by violent European criminal-masterminds “low-profile,” Chicago Police Chief Arnie Carbuncle assigned lone-wolf detective Mike MacMurphay to deal with the situation. “MacMurphay’s a ‘nut-job,’” said Carbuncle. “But if anyone could get this kind of job done, it’s MacMurphay.” MacMurphay, who is well known in the precinct as a “loose cannon,” maintains a manner of grudging respect among his fellow officers. “MacMurphay pulls some crazy stunts, but he may be the best cop we have on the force,” said former partner Jake Carmichael. “Like that time when he commandeered the Mayor’s car to chase down two street punks running off with his mother’s pen-
sion check. We totaled that car three weeks ago and the commissioner ’s still riding MacMurphay about it.” Carmichael continued as he lay in a full body cast in Our Lady of Peace Public Hospital. “He may have stuck me here on disability for a couple of months, but you can rest assured his mother’s not worried about payin’ for her medication.” MacMurphay’s record of recklessness has endeared him to both his colleagues and his superiors. “I remember the first assignment I gave MacMurphay when he was transferred to my precinct for disobeying a superior and grossly endangering the lives of civilians,” chuckled police chief Carbuncle. “I sent him and his partner after a suspected car thief, and MacMurphay landed two city councilmen in intensive care and burned down a catholic orphanage. That was exactly one week before I asked him to be my son’s godfather.”
September 20, 2001
Freshman’s Move-in, “a Real Handful” Page 6
Final Super-Squad...? Page 10 photo by James Meeker
MacMurphay: On his own; holding his own.
MacMurphay’s history of dangerous dereliction of duty and hardcore drug use has led cowork-
ers and city officials to categorize him as “a real character.” continued: see ROUGE COP, page 3
Freshman’s Roommate: Yoda! By The Michael Zank Bidness Editor Muir College – Meeting one’s first college roommate is an exciting experience for many, but it was an extraordinary one for Muir College freshman Josh Grey, who moved into the dorms to discover that he would share a room with Jedi Master Yoda. Grey was originally paired with Larry O’Dell from Vacaville, but Larry was expelled from school due to what Muir Residential Life describes as a “waffle-iron incident” at an orientation session in June. Yoda, who was first on the waiting list for dorm space, took his place. “I was totally stoked when I saw Yoda in the room, unpacking his robes and whatnot,” said Grey, clearly bedazzled. “He’s a member of the Jedi council! He said he might be able to get me an internship there during the summer.” “I remember our first conversation,” Grey continued, “We introduced ourselves and I said, ‘so, where are you from?’ and he said ‘Dagobah,’ and I was like, ‘oh, yeah, that’s right.’ I felt really stupid. Then we went out to try and meet some of the girls on our floor. We started talking to a couple of girls across the hall. They thought he was cute, but short. Yoda was like, ‘Whoa, babes, size matters not!’” “Most of us on the floor wanted to go to a party that night, but he didn’t want to,” added Grey. “We told him it would be
full of adventure and excitement, but he got mad and said, ‘Adventure? Heh! Excitement? Heh! A Jedi craves not these things!’” Josh’s father, David, was impressed by Yoda’s use of the Force during the move-in. “It would have been a real pain in the behind getting the mini-fridge up the stairs,” he said, “but the little guy just picked it up with his mind Stock Photo and floated it His Mediclorian count is dwarfed only by his Blood Alcohol Level. up to the sevnaire, Grey has found many simienth floor while he and I conversed about the potential short- inside, digging through all my larities between himself and Yoda. term yield of stock in gold-mining stuff! I told him to stop, but he “It turns out that we both like to companies. He saved me from mak- kept tossing stuff out all over the play guitar, are most comfortable ing a big mistake with my financial floor, playing with my flashlight in a ‘small group of friends,’ and future. Gold stocks? What was I and eating my White Cheddar are ‘moderately tolerant’ of alcoCheez-Its! I grabbed him and held hol,” he said, regarding the anthinking?!” Like any new roommates, there him out the window until he swers they gave on the questionwas some initial friction between agreed to pick up the mess he naire. Grey added, “And since he’s 900 years old, he can legally Josh and Yoda. “I set down a box made.” Grey acknowledges that their buy beer for both of us! For somefull of some snacks and everyday items and went back down to the relationship “has improved” since one who’s only ‘moderately tolerant’ of alcohol, he sure likes to car to get some more of my stuff,” then. Even though they were not throw ‘em back!” explained Josh. “When I came back up, the little green bugger had matched by the Residential Life tipped the box over and crawled Staff’s compatibility question-
One in Ten, One in Ten... Personals, D8
6th College Provost announces Dean’s Staff Page 42-28-36
Falsified Quote
“I only do two things on Sunday, and sinnin’s the other one.” -Future Hall-ofFamer Darryl Strawberry
MQ
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Hello UCSD! Welcome First-Years!
Since this is the first MQ of the year, I felt obligated to welcome and introduce our new first-year class to UCSD. UCSD’s an interesting place. It’s unique in the University of California system, and not just because of its five-college system. A lot of people complain that UCSD is lacking in the “fun department,” and they’re probably right. A great deal of this funproblem may be from the fact that we don’t have any frat houses. Even if greek life isn’t for you specifically, we’re all young, and a little drunken irresponsibility’s probably good for each of us from time to time. Were UCSD to have a frat row, maybe O-Chem wouldn’t be the all-encompassing replacement of human interaction we all know it to be. But all in all, there’re a lot of things right with UCSD. You’re likely to meet a lot of good people, fall in love, discover communism, vote Democrat, and shirk responsibility. Student or-
ganizations have tried their best to fill the drunken void left from our diminutive frat-culture, and they’ve been doing a good job. Maybe you should join one. They’re really a good way to get to know people around here. I’ve been enjoying things here for quite some time, and have no immediate plans to transfer. No immediate plans. So, with the introduction out of the way, I figured I’d divulge what little help I can to the incoming students of our fine university. I’m a third year, and active in campus politics and organizations, so I should have some insight on something. Of course, I’m real dumb, so take all of the below with a grain of salt. Posters: Decorating one’s room can be a time-consuming and expensive process. Most first-years try to fill their room with expressions of their inner self, sort of like a visual autobiography for their visitors to witness. And since most of us view ourselves as young sophisticates, UCSD students love to put up art. Displaying a print that we recognize and admire gives us a feeling of culture and uniqueness. However, if the only prints you recognize are Starry Night and Scream, join the club; there are more of those two prints in your dorm than freshmen who’ll regret their first week hookups. Bagels: For $.50 you can get a delicious all-vegan bagel from the Food Coop in the Student Co-operative center (also referred to as the Old Student Center, but it’s totally more PC to call it the Co-operative center). Here’s the trick though: if you don’t
really feel like paying for your bagel, throw a handful of ground beef on the counter. (Vegans don’t watch the bagel cabinet when they’re retching from mutilated mammal carcass.) Timed Tests: This is one I heard from a provost: If you’re taking a timed final in a class you were too busy banging your roommate’s boyfriend all quarter to have previously attended, take as much time as you need. When you go up to turn the test in, and the professor or proctor says you’re two hours late and she isn’t accepting any late exams, just ask her if she knows your name. If she says she hasn’t, (and she won’t know it; you haven’t been to class all quarter, remember?) just sandwich your exam in the pile of faceless names and walk away. Welcome Week: Despite the best efforts of your college dean’s staff to lead you to believe otherwise, college life is not synonymous with summer camp. If you’re reading this, then Welcome Week is over, classes have started, and the week-long fun-packed gluttony of preplanned entertainment is far behind you. Sure you can find other things to do with your time, but you can kiss earning all those merit badges goodbye. Coffee: Caffeine will become your best friend. I know it seems cliche, but it’s true. College students love stimulants! Coffee can be a difficult taste to acquire, so most freshmen start out with mochas and lattes to develop a sufficient addiction to the stuff. When you’re ready, you’ll gladly stomach the crap they sell at those coffee
September 20, 2001 stands; you know, those little coffee carts sitting right outside your lecture hall that seem to multiply by division. Majors: If you’re not already a Communications major, maybe you ought to look into switching to Political Science. A lot of you engineers and biologists will get sick of your “career-oriented” majors by winter quarter, and you still have time now to switch classes and at least not waste a full quarter on “science.” Sure, you’ll get teased for being in an easy major, but at least you can tell people you’re not a Comm. Major. Care Packages: This is a suggestion we gave last year, but we’re running it again for your benefit: Go to Ralph’s and buy all of your favorite goodies. Pack them all up in a cardboard box and send it to your mom with a hand-written note reading: “For future reference, this is what a care package looks like.” Golf Carts: Despite my best efforts, I’ve found it incredibly difficult to find a golf cart on campus both unattended and with keys in it. But if your desire to ride the sidewalks of UCSD on electric wheels, and would rather forgo the breaking of both your legs to score a ride on the Disabled Student Services cart, I suggest using the A.S. cart. Your Associated Students have a cart that can be used by either any media organization or any person on council business. All you have to do is to convince someone you’re one or the other. One way to do that is to join the MQ, maybe at our 6:00pm Tuesday night meetings in Half Dome Lounge (www.themq.com).
www.themq.com
The MQ Team: Now fortified with 100% pure Beefstock.
A Note From the Staff: AAsNote From the you may have noticed, theMQ MQStaff did not write an article
about what is obviously the biggest news story to hit you50may America inAs the last years. have the not Sufficenoticed, it to say, we’re touching thenot subject. MQ did writeMaybe an in a couple of months even article about what is Bush’ll become fair game again, obviously big-like but right now,the nothing that’s gonna makestory peopleto laugh. gest news We checked the Onion’s hit America in the website a couple of days after 50and years. thelast crash, even they were running an ad for the Red Cross. Suffice it to Insay, case we’re you don’t notknow, the Onion’s a national humor paper touching the subbased in Wisconsin, that most Maybe a ofject. our staff aspire in to one-day work for. (www.theonion.com) couple of months So, we’re pitching in with even Bush’ll become Americans everywhere. For fair game again, but this issue, we’re being responsible pseudo-journalists, right now, nothingand supporting the unity that’s been like that’s gonna spoken of ad nauseam on CNN people laugh. themake last couple of weeks. There’s We an ad for the Red checked Cross on the inside of the pathe Onion’s website per, we took out some refera couple of days ences to terrorists in one of the articles written before this after the crash, and whole mess started, and hopeeven they were fully, we managed to come out running an adpaper. for with an entertaining the Red Cross. Ina lot To be perfectly honest, ofcase us didn’t even want you don’t to do this issue. It’s really hard findknow, a ing things the funnyOnion’s in the world national humor after such a horrific attack. But wepaper did our based best to come in up with stuff to brighten your day. We Wisconsin, that did our best to cram a little sunmost of our staff and shine between the darkness fear that have dominated our aspire to one-day lives these last weeks. work for. Let’s hope we all find ways to(www.theonion.com) get back to where we want to be, and in the meantime, So, we’re enjoy our efforts to cheer pitching in withup ourselves, as well as our fine-lookAmericans ing readership. every-
MQ Staff
Editor in Chief – Colin Parent Managing Editor – Elijah Zarlin Not Asst. Editor in Chief – Nick Lieberknecht Content Editor – Jasmine de Lung Asst. Content Editor – James Meeker Design Editor – Liz Erwin Asst. Design Editor – Reid Barrett Bidness Editor – The Michael Zank Webmaster – Michael “Do Him” Truex Human Aquisitions – Laura Paajanen Legal Consultant – Skippy Pinipper External Relations – Mike Selvaggio Official MQ Mom – Megan Laver Muir Adviser – Patty Mahaffey SOLO Adviser – Nikki Cayanan Aged Moral Support – Geoff Moss and Sean Powell
MQ Staff Members photo by MQ Political Bureau Chief Wolf Blitzer “The views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ and our members. While the MQ is a registered student organization at the University of California, San Diego, the University neither supports nor endorses this publication or its contents. Additionally, the views expressed in this publication do not represent those of the University of California, the Regents, their officers, or employees. The members of the MQ as publishers of the MQ are entirely responsible for its content and they bear the full legal responsibility for any and all consequences arising from its publication.” Also: Hey, this is supposed to be funny.
Justin Williams Hal Melom Jeffrey Trattner Meg O’Neill Sean Kane Adam Armstead Ivan Wick Irene Lee Dave and Dave
Adina Ackerman Claire Suttle Dale E. Burner Jr. Alex Doherty Jon Cole Doug Hanes James Meeker Jeff MacGurn Jacob Campos
Sharon Shapiro David Anderson Erika Cheng Stephanie Chen Justin Gardner Randi Lee Nick Thaler Gavin Elliott Albert Kim
MQ Booster Club Lauren “Brownie Queen” Lee Muir HA Mealpoint Funds
MQ
September 20, 2001
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The College Sponsored Event I Organized was Poorly Attended!!
By Elijah Zarlin That one guy I’m so hurt. You lazy, apathetic students make me so angry. I put all this time and effort into organizing a great collegesponsored event and hardly anyone came. Everyone’s been working really hard to prepare for school, so I figured we could all use a break. It was the perfect time. I mean, we need to recognize the outgoing summer season, commemorate National Undiscovered Diseases Day, honor the birthday of Red Sox pitcher Rod Beck, observe the Solstice or something, pay homage to the memory of all the unnamed soldiers and celebrate the opening of 6th college—it’s only a few years away. Plus, it’s Mounties week in Canada. But apparently nothing is holy anymore, because my college sponsored event drew about
the same crowd as the UCSD football team. Why didn’t people come? It wasn’t like the party was hard to get to. It was right in the central area between all the dorms. And it wasn’t like there was nothing to do there. I got a bouncy castle, a poker table and a member of the University’s Audio/Video staff playing CDs. He was a pretty good DJ. My best friend Eric, who was there, said that the DJ played too much Rush, but that’s BS—he only played like three Rush songs in the whole hour. There was also a very informative STD info booth. Did you know that while the use of a Latex Condom can prevent the spread of Clamydia, it still leaves you unprotected against HPV? I’ll bet you didn’t, because you weren’t there! Maybe if I’d had a piñata or a Red Cross blood donation station or an authentic Barona basket weaver doing demonstrations, people would have come. I just don’t understand it. I had food; there was soda and an enormous barrel of hard pretzels. And the event was well publicized. I put flyers up by the elevators and in the stairwells of the dorm buildings, plus I put banners out by the dining halls. Banners! I told all my friends to tell all their friends. I ran
screaming through the halls of the dorms topless with paint on my nipples. So why did only 10 people come? You students don’t even know what is good for you! I recognized that you all spend too much time in your room and I decided to do something about it. I tried to get you all away from your computer monitors for an hour. And what do you do? What do you do? Well, you stay at your stupid computer monitors! I’m at the end of my rope! Sometimes I think all this effort might not be worth it. If nobody comes to my “Study Break at the Pruess School” next week, then I just might have to cancel my 5th week “Go Up to Hoedown— square dance lessons on the roof.” Now, that’s a great event! So consider yourself warned. If I don’t see you at the Pruess School, then you won’t see me at the Hoedown; ’cause there ain’t gonna be a Hoedown! One of these mornings UCSD, you may wake up and realize you miss the club soda and potato chips, but it’s not gonna be there! Just think about that the next time you walk by “Roger Revelle’s Birthday Bash.” Think about that, and shudder.
ROGUE COP: The only man
continued from page 1
“I first met MacMurphay at the opening ceremony for the new City Library,” said city councilman Larry Nishikawa. “Apparently MacMurphay was chasing some Russian car thieves on the overpass just above the library. MacMurphay forced the thieves off the freeway and they crashed right through the roof of the library. The blast killed the whole lot of reporters and paralyzed my own daughter from the waist down.” Nishikawa paused for a moment to look contemplatively at a picture of his daughter in a wheelchair wearing her confirmation dress and neck brace. “That MacMurphay’s one hell of a cop!” MacMurphay’s successful completion of his most recent assignment has reaffirmed the belief of many that despite his unorthodox approach to law enforcement, MacMurphay was the right man for the job. “Sure, things didn’t go as
smoothly as we’d have liked it to,” said Chicago Police Commissioner Gary Gutierrez. “MacMurphay contaminated half the city’s water supply with crude oil, and somehow managed to give a few hundred kindergartners hantavirus, but you can bet that next time, those European super-thieves will think twice about messing with Chicago’s finest.” MacMurphay, who has been quoted referring to reporters as “nosey dames who interfere with investigations and wouldn’t know good police work if it bit them in their pretty behinds,” was unavailable for comment. At press time, MacMuphay, who has a history of brutally assaulting reporters, was illegally chasing Colombian drug lords across the Canadian border on a revoked pilot’s license while ignoring a gunshot to the chest he falsely claimed to be “just a measly flesh wound.”
Sirens and Lites
UN Racism Conference Mired in Dispute Over Pizza Toppings Diplomats refuse to recognize Anchovies By Hal Melom Staff Writer The U.N. World Conference Against Racism, Racial Discrimination, Xenophobia and Related Intolerance ended its second week of frustrating gridlock Monday, as delegates from all over the world remained unable to agree on what sort of pizza should be served at the conference. The disagreement started on the first day of the conference, when a motion to adjourn for lunch was passed. Immediately after-
ward, diplomacy broke down as nearly every national delegation insisted on ordering a different type of food. “It was chaos. The Indians flatly refused hamburgers, the Israelis wouldn’t allow hot dogs, and nobody wanted what the Vietnamese proposed,” complained one delegate, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. After four days of intense negotiation, the “Little Caesar Compromise” was adopted, in which all nations agreed upon ordering pizza. A fresh round of strife immediately followed this over what
toppings the pizzas would have. Currently, the conference is locked in a four-way stalemate between pepperoni, Hawaiian (pineapple and ham), vegetarian, and plain cheese. The one issue the diplomats have been unanimous on is the recognition that anchovies are not a legitimate pizza garnish. U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan warned Saturday that the dispute threatened to sink the conference. “This conference could proceed and achieve great gains,” he declared, “if we all could just agree on pepperoni and move on.”
Saturday, Sept 15 5:00 p.m.: 6,000 UCSD parents were arrested for doting on their children and not going the fuck home. Parents sent home to preserve your room exactly as your sweet little hands left it. 11:01 p.m.: 19 year old male student was arrested for noise violations by his Nazi-like R.A. and a fat, fat RSO. Student was cited and eaten. 1:37 a.m.: Police apprehended two little punks for being little and punks. The skateboarders were cited and released. 2:45 a.m.: Four ERC students taken in for questioning on suspicion of defacement of Sun God. Sun God said to be enjoying his new buttless chaps. Sunday, Sept. 16 10:15 a.m.:18 year old female student was cited in Price Center for excessive body hair. The suspect was shaved and released. 12:38 p.m.: Police arrested 63 year old white male for intoxication and public urination. Former Warren Provost David K. Jordan was cited and released.
photo by Liz Erwin
The Noid, carrying on high level negotiations with world leaders concerning the meat-lover’s pizza in the trunk.
2:53 a.m.: MQ staff arrested for desperately trying to bring light to the dark, dark lives of the vast and oppressed population of UCSD. Students told, “You kids aren’t funny.” Monday, Sept. 17 2:43 p.m.: Police apprehended five Marshall sophomores for “having fun on campus.” Students were detained and transferred to San Diego State University. 7:51 p.m.: 21 year old non-affiliate arrested by RSO’s for public intoxication. Non-affiliate was taken to a storage closet, sodomized, and released. That’s right, he was sodomized by that fat, fat RSO. No, the really fat one. 7:52 p.m.: MQ staff member apprehended for using his paper to carryout a personal vendetta against a UCSD employee. Student remains unrepentant. Tuesday, Sept. 18 11:43 a.m.: Student news organization arrested for repeated theft of New York Times articles. Guardian staff was released to thankless mediocrity.
MQ meeting time: Tuesday nights, 6-7pm , Half Dome Lounge in Muir College
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September 20, 2001
Today’s Show Brought by the Letter B- for Beer Beer company targets previously unreachable child audience through television By Stephanie Chen Staff Writer In a bold move to become a leader in family television programming, Canadian beer label Labatt’s Blue announced Monday morning that it would be taking over production of the popular but troubled children’s show “Blue’s
Clues.” Labatt’s Blue revealed that it plans to make watching the show an activity for the whole family by integrating alcoholic beverages into every episode. “We believe that ‘Blue’s Clues’ is a fine example of children’s programming,” said company chairman Roger Labatt in a statement to Highlights maga-
zine. “All we want is make it into a show everyone can enjoy, from the toddler who can’t yet drink Labatt’s, to the parents who want to spend quality time with their kids but lack the motivation.” When questioned about the motive behind the merger, Labatt claimed that the show is a part of its new community outreach pro-
gram. “It was inspired by the good folks at Philip Morris. Like them, we at Labatt’s Blue feel that it is important to give back to the people who keep us in business. The show is our way of preparing young people for their roles as the future responsible drinkers of America. Party at Blue’s House!” Parents and Hollywood insiders are still searching for “clues” as to why the show would risk its squeaky clean image by drowning its problems in alcohol. The trouble started brewing in late May with the departure of “Steve,” human host and co-star to the cartoon dog Blue. The show allegedly fired Steve after he denounced his canine cohort on a recent episode of “Oprah”. “I’m tired of cleaning up after this rude, ugly, scenestealing prima donna mutt,” photo by James Meeker
Steve revealed in his touching interview, “and by the way, cartoon dogs shit every bit as much as other dogs. This dog is not man’s best friend.” Blue’s only official response to Steve was to sniff his butt repeatedly and drink from the toilet bowl. However, a spokesperson for Blue said that he did have serious reservations about the message being sent to children by the new sponsorship. By the time of the announcement, however, Blue had put both paws on the dotted line of his new contract. When asked why he changed his mind, Blue said: “It’s simple. I got a call from Spuds McKenzie telling me how these cute bitches started lining up at his doghouse after he started doing beer commercials. I’ll never have to beg again. No more of those Pound Puppies for me!” The animated canine’s former costar Steve could not be reached for comment on the takeover. The actor is in critical condition at the intensive care unit at UCLA Medical Center, where he is recovering from a severe beating by a mob of crazed toddlers that attacked him outside his home just days after his appearance on Oprah. The producers are rumored to be looking at Ben Affleck or Robert Downey Jr. as possible replacements for Steve on “ ‘Labatt’s’ Blue’s Clues”, which is scheduled to premier on HBO for Kids on September 23rd.
Blue’s word of the day is “Ghetto-Booty-Funktafied”
“MQ Helpful Hints for the First-Years” Presents: How to Tell if Your Roommate’s a Schizophrenic Psychopath Who’ll Murder You in Your Sleep
Move-in Day Day::
By Colin Parent Editor in Chief
10. “Now remember, no alcohol ‘til you’re 21.”
Moving in with a complete stranger can be difficult, and at times dangerous. To be sure your roommate doesn’t wake you up in the middle of the night with an ice pick to the face, be on the lookout for the following signals:
9. “See, it’s just as good as Berkeley.” 8.“Don’t worry, I’ll bet your roommate wets his bed too.”
–Conversations with your roommate initially are awkward and difficult, a telling sign of his inability to interact normally in society. –Your roommate has purchased several biology and chemistry textbooks so she can determine how to make your death look like an untimely accident.
Things W e Heard We P Parents Say to O T 10 Their Kids on
picture of guy in straight jacket by Scoop
–Despite the grueling and painstaking matchmaking efforts of your college’s Residential Life Office, you and your roommate have very different views on religion, politics, or favorite Real World characters. Such inconsistencies are important telltale signs of emotional instability. –Your roommate describes Survivor as interesting and stimulating television. Beware: he may have difficulties distinguishing between reality and fantasy. –Being absent from your room, even when she has no classes listed on her schedule, could be a sign that your roommate is plotting with the devils in her head the different ways she can cause your grisly death. –Your roommate listens to loud music, which drowns out the oh-so-persuasive whispering from the walls. –Spending hours surfing the internet and chatting with faceless screen names are symptoms of violent antisocial behavior. –Your roommate’s significant other never seems to leave your room. Such codependent behavior may be a warning that your roommate desires to skin you alive to be reborn in your flesh. –He sets you on fire. If you suspect your roommate to have any of the above symptoms, call Psychological and Counseling Services, and they will dispatch their K9 units immediately.
7. “Son, it’s time we told you where babies come from.” 6. “A part of me doesn’t want to see you go, but another part of me really wants to have sex with your father on your old bed.” 5. “Why don’t I see any other kids bringing their guns?” 4. “Your roommate’s kind of a bitch, huh?” 3. “Stop crying; it was either this or State.” 2. “Now, remember what the judge said.” 1.“You have exactly four years to get every bit of homosexuality out of your system. Ready... GO!”
We meet Tuesday’s at 6:00 PM in Half Dome in Muir. Just fucking be there.
MQ
September 20, 2001
NEWS IN BRIEF By The Michael Zank Handles ‘da Bidness
be forced to earn a wage and, most importantly, pay taxes, thereby providing us with the funding we need to operate.” Schmidt continued, “Most of these ex-students weren’t going to
majors, after all. Letting them continue for another year or two would just have been our money down the drain.”
Shootout Between Simi Valley, Iowa State University Forced to Thousand Oaks for “Safest City” Lay Off 9,000 Students Honor DES PLAINES, IOWA – AdminisSIMI VALLEY, CA – Escalating trators at Iowa State Uniincidents of vioversity have announced lence have been rethe layoff of 9,000 stuported in the notodents in response to the riously peaceful recent economic slowneighboring southdown in an attempt to ern California comtrim off what the Univermunities of Simi Valsity terms “students not ley and Thousand essential to the function Oaks, seemingly of the University,” driven by the desire mostly consisting of meof each city’s residiocre business and dents for the prestipsychology majors. gious Nation’s Saf“This public Univerest City honor, sity is funded largely by given to the city state education taxes,’ with the lowest explained Chancellor crime rate. The two photo by two Mikes from Simi Bob Schmidt. “Our goal Coming up next: Rotten tuber disease. suburbs are perento get some students out nial candidates for of academia, where they the award. are typically claimed as be able to get jobs after gradua“Ninety percent of crime in Simi dependants by their parents, and tion and pay back their loans, any- during the past four months has into the workforce where they will way. C’mon, they’re psychology been perpetrated by Thousand
Point–Counterpoint:
Housing Shmousing
Page 5 Oaks residents,” reported Simi Valley Police Chief William Bennet at a press conference held in Simi’s new $30 million police station. “They drive over here and commit a random act of vandalism or battery, maybe a multiple murder, then go back home and laugh about it. Well, this is no laughing matter.” Simi Valley plans to retaliate through an ad campaign encouraging its ruffians and ne’er-dowells to commit crimes in Thousand Oaks to “even the score,” quoting Bennet. Carpools are being organized to provide transportation for those who have had their vehicles seized as evidence in unrelated crimes. Bennet also encouraged any and all Simi residents testifying as witnesses in Thousand Oaks criminal courts to commit perjury “whenever given the chance.” “I understand that not everyone was a born violent criminal psychopath, but everyone has the capacity to lie,” he explained, “We should all do our part, in whatever way we can, to secure the safety of Simi Valley and the ‘Nation’s Safest City’ award. If you play your cards right, you can get a free car
stereo or TV in the process. Bird’s Eye Foods Introduces All-Beef Vegetables CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA – Bird’s Eye Foods, Inc, a leading national distributor of frozen vegetables and entrees, announced yesterday the introduction of a new line of vegetables made entirely of beef. The new product is aimed at consumers desiring the health benefits of vegetables without the bland, icky taste. “Americans who don’t like vegetables haven’t had an alternative until now,” said Bird’s Eye Marketing Director Sheila Dross. “For years, vegetarians have been able to eat Tofu Hot Dogs and Veggie Burgers. We’re giving the carnivorous consumer the ability to eat vegetables, but with the great taste of animal flesh.” The product consists of ground beef processed into the shapes of common vegetables, such as carrots, broccoli, and green beans. Bird’s Eye is expecting to roll out all-chicken and allpork versions by next spring.
MIKE TRUEX:
What Are All Of You Doing In My House?
By Brian Aufhauser La Jolla Transient
Hey you there! Yeah you! I’m talking to the whole lot of you. All you raucous kids. What are all of you doing in my house? You’re ruining my life. I’ve been living here in the elevator of the Price Center for the last two months. Now, I don’t know what it’s the center of, but it sure
as hell does have a lot of nice places to take a crap. It’s been a real quiet home since I moved in two months ago. That’s all changed now. I don’t know where all of you loud people came from, and I really don’t care, ‘cause you all smell pretty good. All I care about is when you’re leaving. That, and canned tuna - that stuff will stay forever without refrigeration. You’re all like tuna. Except you seem to need a mini-fridge to stay. But anyway, it doesn’t seem like any of you have plans to vacate my house in the near future. I wish you would, though. It’s my house. Have some respect. This was a perfect house, but you people have ruined it. It had everything. In the backyard, I had my own private café, where I could go get a cup of coffee after a morning spent scavenging under all my furniture for change. But since all of you have shown up, there isn’t any change around because you
all get to it first. You all seem really desperate—they must not feed you. Since you’ve come, I’ve had no peace. My bedroom moves up and down all day long and people just come in and out as they please. I mean, how’s a guy supposed to entertain a lady friend? Some guy who called himself a “fourth year” told me it would get better. He said that in a few days everyone would disappear into their “rooms” and not come out until sometime in April. He also said that I shouldn’t worry about the people going up to the third floor because they were from “the AS Council” and were probably too drunk to notice me. Look, I really couldn’t give a flying freezer box what you do, as long as I can’t see you. You keep to your business and I’ll keep to mine. Just stay out of my house.
What The Hell Are You Doing In My House?
By Robert Dynes UCSD Chancellor Sir, you are not residing on this college campus legally. I have already called the Police and they’ll be here shortly. Please, just leave without a fuss. It will make things much easier
for you. I really don’t know what you were thinking. What the hell are you doing in my house? This isn’t a halfway house. It’s not a transitional home for recovering alcoholics or troubled veterans of the Armed services. This is a public university! We create alcoholics and send people to the armed services. I really don’t know what you were thinking. Sure, we have residence halls here at UCSD. Even so, we can’t even seem to house our own students, so how are we supposed to fit you in as well? Have you considered scenic and culturally sophisticated UC Merced? They have a perfectly sufficient university campus struggling to fill its dorm space. Plus, they have a high acceptance rate and low average SAT scores. Nobody will even notice you
there. Do you need something closer, less scenic, or devoid of culture? How about Riverside? I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if UCR offered you a full ride, or even a professorship. But we need you to leave. Sir, I assure you that defecating on the hood of my BMW will not tip the odds in your favor. In the big picture it will assist you no more than me handing you the keys to that $80,000 car. You, sir, don’t need a handout. You need a kick out. Be reasonable. Get help. Go to a place where you’re wanted. This university has enough lunatics on the faculty; we certainly don’t need another one showering in the Marshall girls bathrooms. Please, get out of my house.
Just Do Him Merit Badges They P Don’t Give Out in O T 10 Boy Scouts: 10. Tolerance Merit Badge 9. Alleyway Abortion Merit Badge 8. Cunnilingus Merit Badge 7. Miming Arts Merit Badge 6. Cool Like the Fonz Merit Badge 5. Feminine Hygiene Merit Badge 4. Recreational Sex Merit Badge 3. Look at All My Dumb Merit Badges Merit Badge 2. Social Skills Merit Badge 1. Wasted Youth Merit Badge
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September 20, 2001
A FIRST YEAR’S GUIDE: Flowers
Flowers are a good way to express your inner feelings to your potential mate. How sweet, he’s expressing his feelings toward me!
Flowers = Poon
First Impression
First impressions are important. But remember, no matter what someone says, they’re always thinking something else. Does that jack-foo know he’s wearing a sombrero? Hi there!
Wow, she’s digging my sombrero, if only I’d worn my Mickey mouse pants.
The Ideal Approach I don’t get emotional and I don’t menstruate. And hey, don’t worry about performance, cowboy–I orgasm on command. Command me.
Not only am I sensitive, love shopping for shoes, and like to cuddle, but I was born with a vibrating 9–inch cock.
Approach is everything. Here are some excellent examples of how to ask for and get action.
ATTIRE: What to wear, so you can take it
Chauvinism I’m glad I have pepper spray and that I’m wearing my padded butt shorts.
Chauvinism will not get you play. It doesn’t matter how many Budweiser commercials you watch, chicks don’t dig it.
Male God this bitch want’s me
off later. Female Aftershave
Brushed Hair
Bloomers Tightie Whities
Dating Boots (for knockin’)
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September 20, 2001
Page 7
Dating at UCSD SEX!!!!!
The Bill
Who pays the bill? Is it the person who asked the other out, or is payment the domain of men? At this rate, we’ll never know.
I guess I ought to pay my way. I mean, I did ask him out.
I hope she pays for the check. She’s cute, but she’s not “Lobster-Cute”.
While every college-aged girl could have been taken straight out of the Girls Gone Wild Mardis Gras Video, sex at the end of a date is by no means guaranteed.
She’s a really swell girl. I could foresee a long-term relationship with beautiful children.
I guess no cock for me tonight.
The Bill Part 2: DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH THIS MAN MQ Dating Quiz: How likely are you to get a date at UCSD? Wardrobe: • You are often seen sporting your coonskin hat. Give yourself 1pt. • You worry that you don’t fill out your butt-less chaps… 2pts. • You consider your high school football Home and Away jerseys two different outfits… 3pts. Hairstyle: • While shopping for styling products, you compare the price of Vidal Sassoon to that of Crisco… 1pt. • You French braid your chest hair… 2pts. • You wear a baseball cap… 3pts. Interests: • Boxcar hopping… 1pt. • Scab collecting… 2pts. • Fantasy Baseball, in the buff… 3pts. • Necrophilia… 4pts. A good first date ends with: • Kissing your mother goodnight… 1pt. • Crying yourself to sleep… 2pts. • Exploratory surgery… 3pts. • Jell-O… 4pts. Mode of transportation: • Rickshaw… 1pt. • ’91 Toyota Previa… 2pts. • A pony… 3pts. • Roman Chariot… 4pts. • Horse-less Carriage… 5pts.
Career Aspirations: • Crackwhore… 1pt. • Assistant crackwhore… 2pts. • Crackwhore’s pimp… 3pts. • Crackwhore’s pimp’s bookie… 4pts. • Crackwhore’s pimp’s bookie’s drugdealer… 5pts. Your Crib: • Van down by the river… 1pt. • Bonner Hall… 2pts. • Your studio above a meat-packing plant in New Jersey… 3pts. • A wet chicken farm…4pts. Your Favorite Pick-Up Line: • Can we please have sex please?… 1pt. • Wanna hear me play guitar?…2pts. • I don’t want to have sex but I’d like to dump some emotional baggage on you… 3pts. • My condom expires at midnight… 4pts. Preferred Form of Communication: • Cell… 1pt. • Signal Flare… 2pts. • Phonological transmission… 3pts. • Pony Express… 4pts. By your own estimation how attractive are you?: • People say I look like Brittany Spears...after she was hit by a truck… 1pt. • I could stand to have multiple plastic surgeries… 2pts.
•
I look good at night in soft light wearing black and standing next to Rosie O’Donnell… 3pts. • Donde esta el fuego? It’s right here… 4pts. • Donde esta el bano? It’s right here too… 5pts. Trademark “Move”: • Yawning, slipping the arm around the chair combo… 1pt. • Stopping short… 2pts. • Donkey Punch/Dirty Sanchez spin-attack… 3pts. How Likely Are You to Get a Date at UCSD?: Total up your points and take a look! • 0-9: Go back and answer the rest of the questions. • 10-20: You are not fit to interact with other humans, let alone fornicate. • 21-30: You are about as datable as a talking pie. • 31-40: This year, we suggest a heavy regimen of studying, hiding in your room, and making friends on the internet posing as your attractive popular younger sibling. • 41-50: Janet Reno gets more lovin’ than you. • 51-60: Mail-order brides are becoming socially acceptable.
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September 20, 2001
AIM Away Messages: you wish your friends were this funny
Sleeping. Of course, you won’t know for sure if I’m really asleep unless you check out my webcam site: http:// www.idontreallyhaveawebcam.com
I’m playing a video game that takes up the whole screen. Note: The above is a polite way for me to say that I don’t really want to talk to anyone with such a terrible case of facial herpes.
One consequence of failing to mind your own business is that at times, you inadvertently find out when other people are taking a dump.
I’m making out with that girl across the hall. Mom, if you’re reading this, I’m just kidding. Dad, if you’re reading this, we’re in A91.
The only thing sweeter than the way my roommate and I get along is taking pictures of her toothbrush in my ass.
You ever have one of those days when nothing seems to be going your way, and even a bucket of Haagan-dazs doesn’t perk you up? When I get like that, I really wish those scientists would find some way to put hand-grips on the sides of sheep.
My muffins are burning.
I’m staring at my sleeping roommate. He’s so so peaceful.
I’m donating blood. You should too. To help in this time of crisis, please visit www.redcross.org or make a donation on Library Walk in the upcoming weeks.
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September 20, 2001
Page 9
Hopeless Nerd Asks Inane Question of Convention Panel By Colin Parent Editor in Chief Continuing a five year tradition of late-night excursions into imaginary die-dependant dungeons and day-long shopping for Hong Kong Kung Fu movies, Leroy McGill returned this year to the San Diego Comic Convention to ask an inane question of a Star Trek Movie discussion panel. “It’s just something I’ve always done,” said McGill. “Every summer I drive down to San Diego, buy some Battlestar Galactica shot glasses, and end up asking the Star Trek panel a question that I end up regretting. But I don’t see why the rest of the convention wouldn’t want to know the Zodiac sign of the Orion slave girl from episode 37. She’s dreamy.” The San Diego Comic Convention is a yearly meeting of vendors and personalities from the comic book, science fiction, and Japanese animation industries, and is touted by promoters as “the one place even a freak like you feels welcome.” The “Con,” as it is referred to by convention-goers, is popular among mostly adolescent males and those with inadvertently indistinct genders.
Convention attendees look forward every year to McGill’s absurd Star Trek question. “It’s become one of my favorite parts of the convention,” said fanboy Ernesto Saotome. “I think my favorite one was when [McGill] asked: ‘In Star Trek 3, was there an underlying sexual tension between Spock and McCoy, or was it just me?’” Convention planners noticed McGill’s tradition officially for the first time this year by noting his question on the convention schedule. “It’s quite an honor,” said convention attendee Miles Rodriguez. “I think this is the biggest thing to become ‘official’ at the convention since they legitimized Marcus Zewinsky’s annual ‘Leer at Sailor Scouts.’” This year’s question is expected to outclass any from previous years. Genre fans feel that the publicity around McGill will guarantee an “especially dumbass” question. “I’m sure he won’t let us down,” said one fan. “If anyone can pose a really dumb question to a Star Trek panel, it’s McGill.” When asked whether or not anyone can ask a really intelligent question of a Star Trek panel, the fan responded in what can only be interpreted as insults in his native Klingon. McGill claims to have mixed
photo by James Meeker
Nerd’s true question, “When will I get laid?” can only be answered with a number using eight significant figures and a supercomputer.
feelings about his inclusion in this year’s schedule. “I spend all year thinking about this convention,” said McGill.
“And I really appreciate being noticed by the convention organizers. But I really don’t think I’m going to ask a dumb question this
time.” McGill went on to say that he was planning to ask “who the original writers believed were the ‘swinginest’ aliens in the galaxy.”
Stunning Realization Causes Freshman to Speak in Metaphor: No longer the “biggest fish in the pond,” or “sharpest needle in the sewing kit.” by Elijah Zarlin English Minor The shocking reality of college hit Eric Johnson like “a ton of bricks” last Tuesday. The impact of the sudden awakening has left the Marshall freshman speaking largely in metaphor, as he was deeply saddened to realize that he is no longer the “brightest star in the sky” or the “grandest tree in the forest.” Admittedly, it was not long ago when the moderately attractive Johnson—who graduated second
in his class of 80 from a small suburban high school outside of Stockton, CA—felt as if he were the “fastest processor in the computer lab.” But all that changed upon his arrival at UCSD, when Johnson was stunned to recognize that he really wasn’t the “cutest pony in the petting zoo.” Johnson says his realization came over a lunch at Oceanview Terrace with some of his new acquaintances. As the conversation turned to SAT scores and high school extracurricular activities, Johnson says he was eager to gloat about his 88th percentile SAT
score and his position as both captain of the basketball team and editor of the school newspaper. Only moments later the onceproud Johnson realized he didn’t have as many “aces up his sleeve” as he thought he did. Says Johnson, “I’m not ashamed to say that back at home, I did feel like the brightest bird in the aviary. But UCSD is a big place and there are a lot of kids here who have achieved quite a bit. I guess I just realized that I’m not quite as, uh…ornate a bird as I thought I was. At least not in this, like I said, aviary—so to speak.”
When pressed for exactly what he meant when he said he was no longer the “sharpest pencil in the box,” Johnson shied away from the more direct “big man on campus.” He did however readily admit to not being the “most luminescent lamppost on the street” or the “smartest whip hanging above the dominatrix’s bed.” Though Johnson’s propensity for metaphor may confuse some, his parents seemed sympathetic and understanding during a recent phone call home, when the distraught student stated that at college he did not feel like the “hippest hip-bone in the body,” or the “most shetlandy Shetland Pony.” His parents attempted to cheer Johnson up when he expressed fears that he may be the “dullest bulb in the socket” and the “most god-awful looking dog at the pound.” As the call ended he also confessed to feeling like the “smelliest kid in the kindergarten class.” Though it is fairly common for students from small towns to come to college and conclude that they are no longer what Johnson refers to as the “highest caliber gun in the militia’s arsenal,” most are not quite so distraught by the new concept. Weeping gently, Johnson remi-
nisces about a time when he felt like the “spanky-est paddle at the fraternity initiation.” He states “What can I say? At home I felt like the most pure cut of White China on the market.” Despite his disheartening chain of thought, Johnson is trying to look on the bright side. “It’s difficult to suddenly get hit with the fact that I’m the, quote unquote, least endowed guy in the locker room after PE, or that I have the smallest lung capacity of any aquatic mammal, so to speak. But I’ve learned that feeling like the most clogged urinal in the Watts bus station men’s room can give one a lot of perspective. Besides, I think I took for granted my once constant awareness of being, what you might call, the highest proof bottle of reserve Tennessee whisky in the Liquor store, or the heftiest burrito at the 24-hour Mexican Taqueria.” True, Eric Johnson may not be the most Horchata-ey Horchata at that same 24-hour Taqueria, but in these years of increasingly “brilliant” freshman classes, it seems that no one is. It does not take the “most streamlined budget proposal in the formerly Republican-controlled 2001 Senate” to tell you that.
You’ll never amount to anything. What do you want? A cookie? Come to our meetings. photo by Elijah Zarlin
I can’t believe this guy let us use his picture with the words “buttless chaps” floating above his head.
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September 20, 2001
Join the MQ!!! All-Campus Staff, All-Campus Distribution, All-Campus Fun We bring the excitement and irresponsibility of Muir to all of UCSD! Meetings: 6pm, Tuesdays in Half Dome Lounge
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September 20, 2001
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ARENA
Now that you’re a college freshman, how do you intend to balance your increased degree of responsibility against your new sense of freedom?
Do we get beer?
Stacy Cajon Muir Freshman
Hmmm. I guess I’ll take responsibility.
David Wan Revelle Freshman
I hear there’s no social life here, so I don’t really think it’ll be a problem. Gregg Gomez Roosevelt Senior
Well, it is certainly a socially accepted idiosyncratic moiré that an independent pursuit of higher education brings with it certain flexibility of established guidelines. So I guess I’ll just drink lots of beer.
Amanda Lang
David Teux
Warren Freshman
Marshall Freshman
New Student Disappointed with Housing Assignment By Claire Suttle British Hottie After a long summer of anticipation and preparation, new UCSD Freshman Felix Steinbrenner felt confused when he arrived at his new home in Revelle’s Bonner Hall Saturday. The recent graduate of a Fresno area high school, Steinbrenner re-
members eagerly receiving his housing packet in early August. When he read that he was to be accommodated in Bonner Hall, Steinbrenner went into intense preparations. He states, “With a name like Bonner Hall — Boner Hall — man, I knew I was gonna get all the ladies. I never had no trouble in high school, so it’s gonna be all good in college”
photo by Mike Truex
Freshman bravely comes out of the closet, then returns and goes to bed.
My cousin down in El Centro has got a phatty speed hookup.
In anticipation of his four years of “hot-lovin’” at UCSD, Steinbrenner went into immediate preparations by spending more time at the gym and relaxing under the hot Fresno sun to improve his tan. For the first time in his life he visited the local public library to read up on romance tips. He acknowledges his high school friends felt he was crazy for studying when school was out, but says in his defense, “These are real women now, no more girls for me. I gotta know how to romance them. I understand what the real ladies want.” On his arrival at UCSD, Steinbrenner was immediately puzzled by his accommodation. He recalls being the only student moving into his particular residence hall, and wondering why there were classrooms on either side of his closet-sized room. He complains, “My new place is nowhere to bring the women back to, I mean there’s fermented dead animals stored on the shelves in my room. In any case, I haven’t seen no ladies in this college, I thought Revelle was the place to go for the hunnies.” Over the rest of welcome week, Steinbrenner’s hope diminished as he swiftly realized he had not only fallen victim to the housing crunch, and was temporarily being housed in a janitors closet in one of the Biology buildings, but also that Revelle is, as he puts it, “a college full of nerds who wouldn’t know how to appreciate a woman if they were handed an instruction manual.” Steinbrenner is currently looking to gain temporary housing in Eleanor Roosevelt College, and will be declaring a Communications major.
I hear it helps if he wears two condoms.
Stephanie VonSmiley Revelle Freshman
Think this is funny? Then join the MQ. Think you can do better? Then join the MQ. Tues. 6pm, Half Dome Lounge in Muir College
P TO10
Things we heard freshmen say as they walk ed by walked our office:
10. “Last year, in high school football...” 9. “Last year, in Academic Decathlon...” 8. “I’m gonna join the frat that makes you hump dogs.” 7. “So, I hear all the parties start next week...” 6. “Do you know where we get the football schedules?” 5. “I’m going to tour the library, because I think I’m going to use it a lot.” 4. “So, do the hot guys move in tomorrow?” 3. “Who is this TJ guy?” 2. “I’m really excited about the Math 20 Series.” 1. “So do the hookers take meal-points?” “No dude, that’s your RA.”
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September 20, 2001
Trading Cards: UCSD’s Five Colleges John Muir Smack, Crack & Pot
Roger Dougan Revelle Turnin’ Trix Rabbit
11 kilo
Bad Habit: They Drink Strength: their Bongwater Eco-freindly Fortified With: Weakness: 8Hippies essential hatecontrolled shaving/ substances Whiskey dick
Earlgood Warshall Son of Toucan Sam 77 00
2
Garb: Labcoats Strength: Molecular Verdict: Silly Rabbit, structure Dix aren’t for kids Weakness: Social retardation
Eleanor Roosevelt
(Pictured at Right)
Strength: Go together like Slogan: “Follow Your yang and yang. Nose” Weakness: if East T met W here it As Leads: he West, but there was nothing fetid corpses of my distinctive victims about either one.
6
Strength: Only female namesake @ UCSD Weakness: Oppressive patriarcical society/The thing above her neck.
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