MQ
Volume VIII Issue II
Where Art Meets Other Stuff
University of California, San Diego
October 25, 2001
Bush Stands Silent and Motionless at Podium Interrupted 30 Times by Applause
By Brian Uiga Staff Writer WASHINGTON, D.C.- Following a recent successful address to the nation on his plan to combat world terrorism, President Bush spoke to Wall Street investors last Wednesday on “Jump Starting our National Economy.” Instantly raising Bush’s approval rating by 8%, the speech has been dubbed one of his most eloquent to date, and critics agree that it truly spoke to the heart. So much, in fact, that it contained no words at all. This did not faze the crowd in the slightest, who over the course of the 12 minute address gave President Bush 30 separate standing ovations, many timed to his specific breathing patterns. A high-level speechwriter, who wishes to remain anonymous, leaked this quote to the New York Times, stating that the lack of spoken word may be linked to alleged problems with the teleprompter. “It is standard procedure to give our nation’s leader several hours to memorize the first paragraph of any public address to make the introduction go smoothly. However, this speech was written and performed on such short notice that we were unable to translate it entirely into Dubya’s preferred reading method of simple pictographs with appropriate smiley faces showing which emotion he was
Freshman Hits on Cute Girl Who Already Has a Boyfriend By P.M. Zank Freshman Joshua Ryan realized this week that the cute girl he’s been hitting on already has a boyfriend. The realization came on library walk following his chemistry lecture, where he saw the couple kissing, embracing, and engaging in other assorted flirtatious behavior. Ryan claims to have no plans to discontinue pursuit, commenting, “Hey, what’s her boyfriend got to do with me?”
RAs Abandon Residents in the Desert By P.M. Zank Resident Advisors from Roosevelt College have been reprimanded by college administrators for leaving their residents in the Anzo Borrego Desert following a dorm camping trip. Twenty-five residents of Africa Hall were stranded in the desert when the RA’s packed up and returned to campus in the middle of the night. Kelly Jackson, one of the RA’s to be reprimanded, said, “They were getting annoying.”
supposed to be portraying at the current time.” The speechwriter also alluded to the possible technical failure during the previous anti-terrorism speech that the emoticon generator was stuck on “stoic.” Despite such impassioned approval, the dynamic speech was cut short when he wandered off stage. Investors continued their rousing applause, only dying out slightly when a public announcement was made that the Stock Exchange was on the verge of collapse for the fourth time in the hour. When asked why President Bush was applauded so vigorously for complete silence, one trader replied: “He was silent? I wasn’t even listening.” Bush’s planned speech circuit will take him to a school for the deaf in Texas next week.
Free Money ... pg. $$
Ben Folds his laundry ...pg. 5
ABOVE: “What they don’t know won’t hurt ‘em,” Bush reportedly said to Press Secretary Ari Fleischer moments before striding across the stage to the podium. wardrobe and photo by Tommy Hilfiger
LEFT: Apparently, the open air on his genitals had a soothing effect on the president, who caught a welldeserved nap while addressing the nation. photo by Elijah Zarlin
Toya Rocks Fall Fest
Charleton Heston proposes arming Camp Disneyland ... Business Section
By Adam Armstead Staff Writer Never one to play second fiddle to Warren G or Alien Ant Farm, Toya opened Fall Fest with guns a-blazing. Crawling out of her cookie-cutter pop image to reveal herself as a black man with an afro, Toya shunned her popular song, “I Do” in favor of a hip-hoppier set. It was a performance not to be missed. Allen Daniels, a Revelle 3rd year, said. “Man, when I heard Toya was coming, I was like, ‘Fuck yeah!’ Then when I saw her in concert, I was like ‘This shit is off da hizzo.’” “Fo shizzo,” said friend Harold Mayers in agreement. Similar sentiments were echoed throughout the auditorium by the thousands gathered there. An A.S. representative, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, also expressed his opinion of Toya’s success. “That wasn’t fucking Toya, you moron, that was Afroman.” Many in attendance agreed, saying that Toya surpassed their expectations as well. Her cover of Afroman’s popular song “Cuz I Got High” was extraordinarily well received. Toya has proven that she is not just a one-hit wonder pop
What’s hotter than Tori Spelling? ... pg. 8
-Falsified Quote-
“Gandhi? All that guy ever did was sit around and starve.”
star and has gained a new, welldeserved fan base among UCSD students.
photo by Angela Lew
Amazing or what? Toya’s UCSD performance was truly unforgettable. But what’s with that bulge?
-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.