The MQ Volume 8 Issue 2 by The MQ

Volume VIII Issue II

Where Art Meets Other Stuff

University of California, San Diego

October 25, 2001

Bush Stands Silent and Motionless at Podium Interrupted 30 Times by Applause

By Brian Uiga Staff Writer WASHINGTON, D.C.- Following a recent successful address to the nation on his plan to combat world terrorism, President Bush spoke to Wall Street investors last Wednesday on “Jump Starting our National Economy.” Instantly raising Bush’s approval rating by 8%, the speech has been dubbed one of his most eloquent to date, and critics agree that it truly spoke to the heart. So much, in fact, that it contained no words at all. This did not faze the crowd in the slightest, who over the course of the 12 minute address gave President Bush 30 separate standing ovations, many timed to his specific breathing patterns. A high-level speechwriter, who wishes to remain anonymous, leaked this quote to the New York Times, stating that the lack of spoken word may be linked to alleged problems with the teleprompter. “It is standard procedure to give our nation’s leader several hours to memorize the first paragraph of any public address to make the introduction go smoothly. However, this speech was written and performed on such short notice that we were unable to translate it entirely into Dubya’s preferred reading method of simple pictographs with appropriate smiley faces showing which emotion he was

Freshman Hits on Cute Girl Who Already Has a Boyfriend By P.M. Zank Freshman Joshua Ryan realized this week that the cute girl he’s been hitting on already has a boyfriend. The realization came on library walk following his chemistry lecture, where he saw the couple kissing, embracing, and engaging in other assorted flirtatious behavior. Ryan claims to have no plans to discontinue pursuit, commenting, “Hey, what’s her boyfriend got to do with me?”

RAs Abandon Residents in the Desert By P.M. Zank Resident Advisors from Roosevelt College have been reprimanded by college administrators for leaving their residents in the Anzo Borrego Desert following a dorm camping trip. Twenty-five residents of Africa Hall were stranded in the desert when the RA’s packed up and returned to campus in the middle of the night. Kelly Jackson, one of the RA’s to be reprimanded, said, “They were getting annoying.”

supposed to be portraying at the current time.” The speechwriter also alluded to the possible technical failure during the previous anti-terrorism speech that the emoticon generator was stuck on “stoic.” Despite such impassioned approval, the dynamic speech was cut short when he wandered off stage. Investors continued their rousing applause, only dying out slightly when a public announcement was made that the Stock Exchange was on the verge of collapse for the fourth time in the hour. When asked why President Bush was applauded so vigorously for complete silence, one trader replied: “He was silent? I wasn’t even listening.” Bush’s planned speech circuit will take him to a school for the deaf in Texas next week.

Free Money ... pg. $$

Ben Folds his laundry ...pg. 5

ABOVE: “What they don’t know won’t hurt ‘em,” Bush reportedly said to Press Secretary Ari Fleischer moments before striding across the stage to the podium. wardrobe and photo by Tommy Hilfiger

LEFT: Apparently, the open air on his genitals had a soothing effect on the president, who caught a welldeserved nap while addressing the nation. photo by Elijah Zarlin

Toya Rocks Fall Fest

Charleton Heston proposes arming Camp Disneyland ... Business Section

By Adam Armstead Staff Writer Never one to play second fiddle to Warren G or Alien Ant Farm, Toya opened Fall Fest with guns a-blazing. Crawling out of her cookie-cutter pop image to reveal herself as a black man with an afro, Toya shunned her popular song, “I Do” in favor of a hip-hoppier set. It was a performance not to be missed. Allen Daniels, a Revelle 3rd year, said. “Man, when I heard Toya was coming, I was like, ‘Fuck yeah!’ Then when I saw her in concert, I was like ‘This shit is off da hizzo.’” “Fo shizzo,” said friend Harold Mayers in agreement. Similar sentiments were echoed throughout the auditorium by the thousands gathered there. An A.S. representative, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, also expressed his opinion of Toya’s success. “That wasn’t fucking Toya, you moron, that was Afroman.” Many in attendance agreed, saying that Toya surpassed their expectations as well. Her cover of Afroman’s popular song “Cuz I Got High” was extraordinarily well received. Toya has proven that she is not just a one-hit wonder pop

What’s hotter than Tori Spelling? ... pg. 8

-Falsified Quote-

“Gandhi? All that guy ever did was sit around and starve.”

star and has gained a new, welldeserved fan base among UCSD students.

photo by Angela Lew

Amazing or what? Toya’s UCSD performance was truly unforgettable. But what’s with that bulge?

-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Page 2

October 25, 2001 A Note From the Staff:

MQ Editor Tires of Boring Old Editorials

Runs enormous picture of extremely attractive staff instead

The MQ: A nice place to be, even if you’re head’s friggin’ HUGE.

photo by Colin Parent’s Executive Assistant [Editor’s Note: Colin Parent does not have an executive assistant.]

Learn French or Die!

“Learning French is easy when the alternative is death” -Joan of Arc

I bought Learn French or Die for my entire family before our summer trip to France, and now I have 4 extra plane tickets! -Martha Stewart

Join the revolutionary new language teaching program, designed to encourage learning by delivering severe, life threateningly shocks whenever an eager pupil makes a mistake.

Just $17.99!

“The views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ and our members. While the MQ is a registered student organization at the University of California, San Diego, the University neither supports nor endorses this publication or its contents. Additionally, the views expressed in this publication do not represent those of the University of California, the Regents, their officers, or employees. The members of the MQ as publishers of the MQ are entirely responsible for its content and they bear the full legal responsibility for any and all consequences arising from its publication.” All content is copyright © 2001 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. The University-Affiliated Ass Kicking Super Squad is copyright and trademark 1999-2001 by Michael Selvaggio. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor of the MQ. Intended to be read solely for entertainment purposes. Some content introduced solely for purposes of satire or commentary. The MQ makes no claims as to the veracity of any content conatined herein. Also: Hey, this is supposed to be funny.

MQ Staff Editor in Chief......................Colin Parent Managing Editor..................Elijah Zarlin Content Editor..............Jasmine de Lung Asst. Content Editor................James Meeker Design Editor..............................Liz Erwin Asst. Design Editor...............Reid Barrett No Bidness Editor.......The Michael Zank Webmaster.........................Michael Truex Human Aquisitions.........Laura Paajanen Sr. Staff Member..........Nick Lieberknecht Sr. Staff Member...............Mike Selvaggio Sr. Staff Member.................Megan Laver Muir Adviser.....................Patty Mahaffey SOLO Adviser...........................Ann Brady

MQ Staff Members Justin Williams Hal Melom Jeffrey Trattner Meg O’Neill Sean Kane Adam Armstead Ivan Wick Irene Lee Dave Hughes Dave Krimper Adina Ackerman Claire Suttle

Jimmy Bennett Dale E. Burner Jr. Rachel Audino Alex Doherty Johnnie Chi Jon Cole Brent Hecht Doug Hanes Richard Lim Jeff MacGurn Brian Uiga Jacob Campos Sharon Shapiro Billy Joe Watkins Angela Lew David Anderson Rachael Polokoff Erika Cheng Judy Kwan Stephanie Chen Lauren Lee Nick Thaler Heather Gabe Kreb

MQ Booster Club Dale “48oz of Freedom” Burner Kelly “Cookie Woman” Johnson Lauren “Help-tastic” Lee Sean Meister Powell Sean’s Dani (She RULES!)

October 25, 2001

Page 3

America and Costco; Both Under Siege By Elijah Zarlin Managing Editor Spurred on by dramatic news coverage of “America Under Siege,” Del Mar resident Richard Freech waged a ravenous offensive campaign against the free food samples in the Carlsbad Costo store frozen foods section Saturday afternoon. “This evil man dealt us a truly devastating blow—one that we were not expecting nor were we prepared to defend against,” stated James Wright, Carlsbad Costco’s Senior Floor Manager. “He ate two days worth of Wolfgang Puck Basil and Roasted Garlic Ravioli samples! Sure, they’re free, but come on!” As of press time, Wright was only able to offer a preliminary estimate of damages caused by Freech before he died of internal bleeding from a ruptured stomach. “We had to restock an entire shelf of Tyson Mini-Cheeseburgers, and we don’t even know how many gallons of Libby’s Juicy Juice were lost. That’s to say nothing of the injuries.” Indeed, Freech’s ferocious rampage was not free of injuries.

“There were about 20 kids with sprained wrists or other assorted bruises. I think Wright must have tossed them all out of the line for Good Humor Chocolate-Covered Ice Cream Bars,” said Paramedic Ramond Travers, who headed Costco’s instore search and rescue response team. “Worse than that, three elderly server women were treated for advanced tendonitis, injuries that occurred as they tried to cut up samples of Marie Calendar’s Cheesecake as fast as Freech could eat them. They eventually wore him out, but it wasn’t easy.” Wiping a tear from his eye, Travers continued, “We’ve always said it, but now we know it to be true: these elderly server women are Costco’s finphoto by Colin Parent est.” True to form, the eldCostco president says his cause is righteous and just: he will not succumb to the terrorist’s demands. erly server women were modest about their key role during aisle seven next to the Tombstone eye-shadowed eyes never glanc- “These are just so easy and quick the events. “Boneless, skinless, Pizzas. Just $6.99 for a 10 lb. Bag,” ing up from her skillet. Added an- to prepare. And look how tenfrozen chicken breasts. Located in said server DeDe Myers, her blue other server standing nearby, der!”

National Rifle Association Announces Anti-Aircraft for Everyone Program By Jacob Campos Staff Writer Washington, D.C. – In light of recent terrorist attacks, the National Rifle Association (NRA) announced earlier this week a new campaign to make available personal anti-aircraft weaponry available to the American people. The announcement was met with great opposition from all terrorist factions in attendance. NRA President Charlton Heston stated at the press conference the reasoning behind this decision to provide citizens with military-grade artillery. “We at the

NRA have fought for years for the right of the American people to bear arms, which until now we have interpreted to included solely pistols, rifles and military-grade assault weapons. Arsenals limited to such a small caliber are no longer sufficient. That is why we at the NRA now plan to make anti-aircraft armaments available for purchase in a variety of models and colors. With wide selection and affordable prices, every ‘real’ American family will be able to find the cannon that is right for them.” “Americans right now are plagued with feelings of rage, hys-

teria, confusion and depression. By providing them with this highpowered artillery, we at the NRA hope to alleviate these feelings for the American people, with the knowledge that each and every person on their block has the capability to send a 747 crashing to the ground in a time of emergency. Though some of the deluxe models have the capability of taking out a whole movie-theater or large school, we encourage them to be used for aircraft only. ” Heston was critical of opposition to this legislation. “Those bed-wetting liberals on Capitol Hill

have tried with all their power to take from America the God-given right to possess a family-model SCUD missile-launcher. Do they have no concern for human life?” A short demonstration of some of the various weaponry that will be offered followed the announcement. Taking the seat in the control chair of a ZPU-2 Anti-Aircraft Gun, Heston fired the 600-roundper-minute 14.5 mm heavy machine guns at scaled-down cardboard 747 cut-outs mounted on the ceiling, destroying most of the lighting in the room. The ensuing electrical storm set Tom Brokaw’s hair

P O T 10

ablaze and caused Dan Rather to start weeping, but otherwise did little damage. “Let me just say this one last thing,” Heston added at the conclusion of the press conference and after the ambulances had left. “There’s no such thing as a good anti-aircraft gun. There’s no such thing as a bad anti-aircraft gun. An anti-aircraft gun in the hands of a bad man is a very dangerous thing. An anti-aircraft gun in the hands of a good American is no danger to anyone, except the bad guys…and several hundred passengers.”

New Security Measures at UCSD:

10. Appointment of Vice Chancellor Heston 9. Laser beam anti-aircraft guns in Sun God’s eyes 8. 6th College National Guard Air Wing 7. Seventeen more tons of fat RSO’s 6. “Shoot People Who Look Funny” Program 5. Triton Tankzi 4. Big Brother 3. Open the tunnel system 2. ASUCSD is fleet of giant transforming robots photo by Colin Parent

Parents will feel safe knowing that their children can protect themselves from low-flying Taliban attacks. No terrorists are going to crash into the house of John T. Peterson, thank you very much.

1. Dynes’ Posse appointed “official letter sniffers”

Page 4

October 25, 2001

Costume Storeowner Disappointed by Lackluster Sales of bin Laden Masks By David Anderson Staff Writer BILLINGS, MONTANA—In the wake of the September 11th terrorist attacks, costume stores nationwide have had to face yet another devastating tragedy—a sharp decline in sales of Osama bin Laden masks. “I didn’t see it coming,” said Doug Partovsky, long-time owner of Costume City. “When Rambo III came out, and Rambo had to go to Afghanistan to help the Afghans kick out the Commies, we sold so many of those Afghan freedom fighter masks that we couldn’t keep up! I just don’t understand it. When Osama was killing Russians, his mask was flying off the shelves. Now that he’s killing Americans, I can’t give the masks away. Fucking patriotism.” As Costume City customer Tracy Sanchez recalls, “I just felt sorry for the dumbasses who bought Stalin masks for their kids. Halloween’s no fun when you get kicked in the shins and called a ‘Commie bastard’ by a bunch of little Rambos while their freedom fighter friends ‘liberate’ your

candy in the name of Allah.” As Communism fell in the early 1990s, loyalties abroad began to change, and the freedom fighter masks were relabeled as “Osama bin Laden, master terrorist,” a change that little affected sales until this year’s tragedy. While sales of masks depicting Rambo and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld have skyrocketed, the popularity of the bin Laden mask has fallen almost to zero. When asked whether he thinks the drop in popularity of bin Laden masks is a sign of a more culturally and politically aware American youth, Partovsky shakes his head. “Kids don’t care about politics. They just don’t want to get their asses kicked. And wearing that mask, they will. I tried to start passing them off as Fidel Castro masks, but nobody really fell for it.” Partovsky now plans to start selling the masks as dog chewtoys, hoping to rid his inventory in order to make way for the season’s trendiest new mask: the “Afghans Northern Alliance AntiTaliban freedom fighter.” Costume City will begin taking pre-orders for the mask sometime next week.

photo by Mike Selvaggio

Photo of trick-or-treater, taken by his mother shortly before he was beaten to death by drunk Southerners.

P O 10 TRejected Jelly Belly Flavors:

P O 10 TRejected Pizza Toppings:

10. Vile Bile

10. Scabies

9. Gleamin’ Semen

9. Papa John’s Mystery Log

8. Rotten Apple

8. Another pizza

7. Type O-negative

7. Soylent Green

6. Magenta Placenta

6. Seagull Purée

5. Yummy Cummy

5. 10 lbs. of Nutmeg

4. Jammin’ Salmon

4. Glass

3. Potpourri

3. Simon Birch

2. Meatcake

2. Grandma’s ashes

1. Buttered Popcorn

1. Steamy cat-litter

Man Grounded for Razor-Sharp Wit By Rachel Audino Staff Writer An airline disaster was narrowly averted at San Diego’s Lindbergh Field early Sunday, when airport security apprehended twentyeight year old Dave Stevenson for attempting to board United Shuttle flight 570 to Irvine in possession of what attendants refered to as “a razor sharp wit.” Ironically, while Stevenson remained grounded with nothing but cynicism and a bottle of duty-free gin to console him, stand-up comic Gallagher, the self proclaimed “messiah of all giant-watermelon based humor,” was able to board Flight 570 without difficulty. While United Airlines had little to say on the subject, Stevenson was more than willing to offer some impeccably timed, saucy quips about the denial of his fundamental right as an American citizen to be a smartass. In response to the extreme degradation he suffered, Stevenson rallied for support and offered such scathing gems as,

“Could they be bigger assholes?” “When he called me ‘that chick with the bionater’ I knew that this guy was wielding a razor-sharp wit and that he was likely to use it as a weapon,” said United employee Stephanie Adams, whose sensitivity to orthodontia-related jokes initially aroused suspicion about Stevenson. Despite added precautions, Stevenson passed through the metal detector and standard security checks with no problems. It was not until receiving his boarding pass at the gate that he ran into trouble. When asked if he packed his bags himself, Stevenson replied, “Well, everything except the explosives–a mysterious man in a turban did that.” During the ensuing strip search, Stenvenson ran into further trouble. “I really don’t get it. All I said to the guy was, ‘With the way you frisk, I’ll bet you’ve never bin Laden. Then they cuffed me.’”

photo by Laura Paajamas and Lauren from Warren Lee

If box-cutters can bring down the World Trade Center, we shudder to think what this man’s wit can do.

October 25, 2001

P O T 10

Reasons the MQ is Not Afraid of Anthrax:

Point/Counterpoint: Roommates

My Roommate is So Gay

10. We have welcomed Jesus into our hearts. 9. No one knows who we are. 8. We make the interns open all our letters. 7. We get pornography from Indonesia all the time and we haven’t had any problems. 6. Terrorists love our trading cards. 5. We’ve built up immunities to deadly bacteria with all those trips to El Cotixan. 4. We quit snorting white powder last Spring. 3. Though it sure sounds scary, we really don’t know what it is. 2. We use the rhythm method. 1. They broke up years ago.

Page 5

By Justin Parker Blatant Stereotype Last week, I moved into my new dorm room looking forward to a year of good times and new friends. This all came to a crashing halt, though, after a few days with my new roommate, the lamest, most annoying person in the world. He is so fucking gay.

Last Saturday, I picked up my key from Res Life and brought all my stuff to my new room. That was kinda’ gay too. From down the hall, I heard music blasting and when I got to my door, I realized the music was coming from my room. My roommate had moved in the day before and was playing his annoying music full-throttle. I had lots of heavy boxes, but he didn’t even get up to help me, he just sat there staring into space. I can’t believe how inconsiderate he was. And he’s such a freak, too. Every day this week he’s stayed up till 3 A.M. on his computer— what the hell could he be doing? It’s so gay! I mean, classes haven’t

even started yet. When he does finally go to bed, he tosses and turns and mumbles for about 15 minutes before he finally goes to sleep. And this one time I woke up and he was staring straight at me. What a wierdo. It only gets worse when his friends come over. All they ever do is listen to his annoying Dance Floor Divas album at full blast. How the hell am I supposed to study? I’m just glad that that he goes out on a date with his girlfriend once in a while; otherwise I’d go insane. I hate my roommate. Sometimes I just want to go over and kick his ass. He’s so gay!

I am Soooooooo Gay Fortunately, there was something to take my mind off of the hideous decor: my roommate, the most gorgeous slab of man I’ve ever seen. God, I am soooo fucking gay! Last Friday night, I picked up my keys from Res Life and found out that I was the first one to move into our suite. The next day, I decided to finish unpacking, so I took my CD player out first and By Julian St. James cranked up the music. I’m such a slave to the rhythm. Anyway, I Blatant Stereotype thought that my roommate was a total breeder, but when he started After a fabulous summer of lifting those heavy boxes, all I countless flings and meaningless could do was stare at his ass evtrysts, I moved in to the dorms ery time he bent over. I can’t beand let me be the first to say, “ew!” lieve how fuckable he is!

So, last Tuesday, my friends and I decided to go out for dinner and dancing. First I had to go work out, though, cause I was getting so fat! I’m such a gym bunny. After I got home I took a shower, shaved, put on my Gucci leather pants and a skin-tight D&G shirt, and my Kenneth Cole shoes. I can’t believe my roommate doesn’t know I’m gay! He asked me if I was going out with my girlfriend. What an idiot! I’d probably hate my roommate if he weren’t so damn hot. Sometimes I wish he would just come over and fuck my ass. I am so gay!

You like doing stuff? Join the MQ. Tuesday, 6pm, Half Dome Lounge, Muir College

Page 6

October 25, 2001

LIFE and DEATH

HOW TO AVOID BEING THOUGHT OF AS AN OBNOXIOUS PRICK, WHEN YOUR CELL PHONE GOES OFF IN CLASS Clutch your chest and scream about your pacemaker going off.

2 Fall to the ground and twitch violently. As your classmates are distracted, switch off your cell phone.

Stand and acknowledge applause for your miraculous recovery.

HOW TO DEAL WITH THE FAT, FAT RSO WHEN HE CATCHES YOU WITH ALCOHOL 1

Stay calm, don’t admit guilt, don’t look like a donut.

Identify possible escape routes and destinations.

Select a location and walk towards it at a moderate to brisk pace.

––Quick Reference Card––

When Accosted on Library Walk by: AS NECESSARY.

•CAMPUS CRUSADE - PIERCE YOUR HANDS WITH A PEN AND SHOW THEM YOUR STIGMATA.

•GENERIC - START SPEAKING QUICKLY IN A FOREIGN TONGUE. E.G.: Uf! Mi burro es en fuego. •UJS - NO, NO. THESE ARE THE GOOD GUYS. •FRAT FLIER - SEE CAMPUS CRUSADE

cut along dotted line

•CALPIRG - CLUB THEM WITH A BABY SEAL. REPEAT

Left: Don’t be caught off guard! With this quick reference as your guide, you’ll be prepared to deal with any zealot, solicitor or yahoo who gets in your face.

SELF–VALIDATION CARD “I want to sex you good.” “You’re the greatest, tiger.” “You’re so much better than my last significant other.” “Your belief that you are extremely unattractive while naked is unfounded.”

cut along dotted line

EMERGENCY ACTION CARDS: CUT OUT AND KEEP WITH YOU

Above: While at UCSD, it is very likely that you will become deeply depressed. Read while weeping after a date. This card won’t make you feel better, but it will keep you occupied until that restraining order expires.

October 25, 2001

Page 7

U C S D –SURVIVAL HANDBOOK– HOW TO FIND THE CLITORIS 1

South of the belly button.

No idiot, her belly button!

3 HOW TO ESCAPE IF YOU WALK INTO A DARKSTAR MEETING 1 2

Throw open the door; they fear natural light.

Draw your +2 Longsword of Nerd-Slaying and go to town.

Hail your starship for a speedy beam-up.

BE AWARE: Prolonged exposure may cause you to engage in activities you are trying to be “too cool for” in college.

HOW

HAVE FUN

TUESDAY NIGHT

Put down your Chem book and leave your dank hole of a room.

Go to Half Dome Lounge in 2 Muir at 6pm for the MQ meeting. Go back home with 1-4 spankable members of the sex(es) you are attracted to.

HOW

There you go buddy.

UNSUBSRIBE FROM

THE

STUDENT-FLYERS LISTSERVE 1 2

send an email message to listserve@ucsd.edu in the body of the email write: “unsub [your email address] student-flyers”

HOW

CHANGE

ROOMATES Throw roommate out window.

Request new roommate from Res Life.

Repeat as necessary.

Page 8

October 25, 2001

Who Are All of You Professor Takes Attendance Frickin People!?! Online

By Elijah Zarlin Managing Editor I was weaving my way through the masses as I walked past Warren Lecture Hall the other day, and I was struck by a question that has been nagging me for the entire three plus years for which I have been a student here: Who the hell are all you people? I’m serious. Everyday I wake up, drive to campus, get on the shuttle, walk to class, sit down. During the course of that journey, I see a lot of people. All I want to know is, who are you and what are you doing here? I know that UCSD is a “university,” and that universities are traditionally filled with “students.” I myself happen to be a student at this university. But I have my doubts about the rest of you. I mean, I assume all of you are students. But I don’t think that’s a safe assumption. Look here: I am a UCSD student. (I know this, because I don’t live on campus, I play a lot of 3D network games and I didn’t get accepted to UCLA. If that’s not proof, I don’t know what is.) Now, if all of you are also students, then that would make you my fellow students. Of course, as a student

of a university such as this one, I would expect to know my fellow students. But I don’t know any of you. So who are you? I see people everyday. But I never see them again. You’re here, you’re gone. Where did you go? Beats me. Hey, I don’t even know what you were doing here in the first place. Here’s what I do know: Some of you sit outside of my classes, some of you sit inside my classes. On rare occasions, one of the more annoying of you questions my professors during my classes. You hand me flyers for raves on Library Walk, and you threaten my family members when I tell you I don’t want to join Calpirg. But I’ve had enough of this mystery. The joke is over. Who the hell are all of you? I’m at the end of my rope! I’m sick of this lonely isolation. It’s time this university got some damn students here, and I fully intend to let the administration know how I feel. UC Berkeley has 25,000 undergraduates. UCLA has 30,000. Hell, even Davis has like 15,000, even if most of them are cows. At UCSD, it’s just me and all of you nameless, increasingly good-looking faces. So who are all of you, and why have you been getting more attractive every year? One of these days, I’m gonna find out. I’ll unravel the plot. I’ll find out what you’re all doing here. I’ll find out why I never see the same person twice and why none of you ever talk to each other, or to me. One of these days I’ll also get rid of my horrible genetic disfigurement, but I’m taking things one step at a time. For now, who the hell are all you people?

www.theMQ.com

By Brent Hecht Staff Writer

In a landmark move that promises to dramatically improve classroom attendance, philosophy professor Greg Hertz began recording attendance online for his Philosophy 19, “The Meaning of Being,” class this quarter. Students in the class are required to log on to his website ToBeOrNotToBeThere.com in order to register their presence. Any student without Internet access is considered to be non-existent. “I’m rethinking an antiquated, square standard in roll taking,” said Professor Hertz. “When less innovative professors instructed this course, they simply taught about ‘the state of being’ in class. Me? I’m teaching about the state of ‘being in class.’ I mean, why should we let society dictate what ‘being in class’ really means? I’m allowing each of my students to find their own state

photo by Mike Truex

In this class of 100 students, 99.42 of them are attentively listening to the lecture.

of ‘being in class.’” Once on the website, students enter their names and press a “Submit” button. The website then spits out a terrible misspelling of the name in the form of a question and students are given several options on how to respond, including “present”, “here”, “huh?”, “wazzup!?!”, and “not here.” The first three responses return a “Thank You for Attending” mes-

Justin Williams is a sexy mofo. Join the MQ

P TO10

Things Hotter than T ori Spelling: Tori

10. 30 pounds of John Wayne’s post-mortem fecal matter 9. Aaron Spelling 8. Tommy Lee’s genitalia 7. Simon Birch 6. Janet Reno with morning sickness

P TO10

Costumes Mother Wouldn’t Appr ove Approve of:

10. Thalidomide baby 9. Screaming airplane passenger 8. Margaret Thatcher in a sheer blouse on a cold day 7. Masturbating judge 6. Pregnant Bush daughter 5. Harry Potter (a witch, and thus not Christian) 4. A fat, fat RSO 3. The Hindenberg 2. Blacklight bed-sheet ghost 1. Daddy’s girlfriend

sage; the “wazzup!?!” response receives a “Thank You for Attending, Homie!” Student outlook on the revolutionary method of roll-taking was remarkably positive. “Finally, someone understands that I don’t have to be in class to be in class,” said Revelle second year Vladimr Guererro. “Dude, philosophy is even better than communications!”

5. An Exothermic Reaction 4. An Autumn day in Columbus, Ohio 3. Janet Reno after a 26-car pileup 2. Your grandparents’ second honeymoon 1. An old horse

October 25, 2001

10 QUESTIONS

Page 9

Interviews by Jeff MacGurn

Ronald Sykes

Johnny Hart

Cheryl Krasner

Revelle senior

Marshall Freshman

Muir Senior

If you could change one letter in “UCSD” what would it be?

If you were going to knife someone, what type of weapon would you use?

A knife.

No one has ever come close to Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini; he is and always has been the best.

Ayatollah Rafsanjani is the undisputed champion.

Currently Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, although even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power!

10 Questions.

Could you repeat that?

Amen to that.

I haven’t seen her do it personally, but I have heard stories and am hopeful.

Actually, I kind of like Bjork…

Botulism.

Isn’t that redundant?

I’m not attracted to women.

Bitch, I DO have a hot mom.

Hey, do you work for the Guardian?

I don’t know, I haven’t been listening.

You had me at “hello.”

Is this a trick question?

I never thought I’d say this, but compared to this shit, Arena doesn’t suck.

(*weeping*) God yes. Just make this end. Please make it end.

No, I’d rather find out if someone would hook up with their mom than learn student opinion on pertinent issues.

Who is your favorite Ayatollah? If you were to write a section for a newspaper, and it were to be the most moronic and inconsequential waste of space you could imagine, what would it be? Doesn’t Bjork blow? Carrot Top or Botulism? If you had a hot mom, would you hook up with her? ‘Cause I would. How many questions have we asked? Do you miss Arena?

Drug Dealers Demand Safety in the Workplace By Johnnie Chi Staff Writer Hundreds of drug-dealers, from small-time marijuana dealers to bigtime Columbian cocaine drug lords, gathered outside the United Nations last Friday to protest the hazardous conditions associated with their occupation. Deaths from drug-related street deals have shot up recently, with a jump in overall drug prices causing former business partners to turn against each other. In response to the increase in workplace deaths, members of the industry gathered around the U.N. today to bring their case to the attention of world leaders. Columbian drug lord Eduardo Alvarez, expressed his frustration with the increasing risks within his business. “I’ve had to arm my men with twice as much firepower,” said

Alvarez. “In addition to raising my overhead and lowering my profits, it puts me in danger. I even have to carry a gun to protect myself, in case someone from the Suarez or Horta family tries to take my turf.” Small-time hood Jamar Fletcher, who works in the projects of Washington DC, also indicated that he is having difficulties. “Yo man, I can’t be selling my crack at the same place each day no more. Brothas be intruding on my turf all strapped. So I just move my sorry ass around each day; I’m only making ten Gs a day now yo, can’t eat no mo’” Later in the day, in order to rid the vicinity of the protesters, the U.N. signed a resolution forbidding any drug dealer from “stealing another crack fiend’s turf.” The leaders of the drug industry cheered for their victory, seeing it as a large

photo by Reid

Don’t ever doubt that drug dealers are good people trying to make a living, who need job safety like everyone else.

step towards personal safety. Although most of the drug dealers were pleased with the out-

come, a few were already looking for loopholes in the U.N. resolution. “Well, it’s a good thing I’m

not a crack fiend,” said Ecstasy dealer Kim Li, smiling broadly as he drove off in his Mercedes CLK.

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October 25, 2001

Genghis Khan Returns From Dead To Open Furniture Store Former conqueror of asia vows to conquer home decor By William Watkins Furnishing SAN DIEGO— In a surprise move early last week, Genghis Khan—the highly famed 13th century Mongolian leader and renowned military strategist—returned from the grave to open a small furniture store in Linda Vista. “Oh yeah, I know where you’re talking about,” UCSD sophomore Antonio Cabrillo said, “it’s right off Morena Blvd. Near JV’s Taco Shop.” Employees of JV’s Taco Shop—home of the 6 Rolled Tacos For $2.59 deal—were surprised when they first saw the furniture store, especially when the fully armored conqueror of nations marched into their restaurant,

wooden club in hand. “He came over and made us a deal on some dining tables,” one employee said. “It’s better than that crap we bought from Jerome’s.” The Khan, who also purchased a carne asada burrito with extra guacamole and a large horchata, has reportedly made similar expeditions in the Morena area. “He very angry when we don’t want his stools in our store” claimed Hiroshi Ogan, owner of the nearby Wok-In Express, “but when I tell him we don’t have California Burrito with sour cream, he went like crazy man. He killed many of my ancestors. I am now very scared.” When recently interviewed about the possibility of returning to Mongolia to once again stretch

the glory of the empire, Genghis responded, “Why conquer the lands of the Far East when one could conquer the entire world…of interior design!” Completely uninterested in returning to the throne he first acquired in 1206, the Khan instead chooses to ask us, “Why would one man sit upon the throne of Asia, when now every man can feel like the Khan of his own home in these extraordinary leather armchairs?”

photo by Rachael Polokoff

Genghis Khan’s fellow conqueror, Erik the Red, often visits his friend’s store and stops by the nearby JV’s Taco Shop to enjoy a tasty Rolled Taco Especial.

US Forestry Service: ‘Don’t Fight Fire With Fire’ By The Michael Zank Bidness Editor BOULDER, COLORADO — In the wake of a devastating series of blazes in national parks this week, the US Forestry Service has issued a general reminder to the public that fire cannot be extinguished with more fire. This announcement contradicts a

point made by President Bush in a speech earlier this week. The reminder comes just two days after a group of campers in Arkansas’ Ozark National Park ignited a 4000-acre inferno while attempting to extinguish their small campfire. Allegedly, the campers used the butane and propane tanks for their stoves and lanterns to “burn” the fire out.

“Contrary to the old adage, you can’t really fight fire with fire and expect to win,” said Ranger Marlene Garcia. “If that were true, all of our smoke jumpers would be equipped with napalm.” Garcia added that water, dirt, flame-retardant foam, and urine are viable options for extinguishing fires.

Student Admits Ongoing Confusion about Post-Modernism By Elijah Zarlin Managing Editor Warren 3rd year Brian Jones was filled with shame Thursday after his Philosophy 48 class, when he finally admitted to friends that he didn’t understand Post-Modernism. “We’ve talked about a postmodernist movement of some kind in almost every class I’ve ever taken,” Jones said as he recapped the incident Thursday evening. “But I mean, what the fuck is it? After three years, I still don’t have a clue.” Jones’ friends were unsympathetic. “Hasn’t he been paying any attention in any of his class over the last 3 years? Post-Modernism? It’s a no brainer at this point. There were Post-Modernist movements in art and writing. There was one in feminism too. Does that guy have his head up his ass or what? Post-Modernism? It followed Modernism! It really doesn’t get any less abstract. God he’s stupid.” Jones was unsatisfied with that explanation. “Oh yeah,” he added, photo by PM Zank

He just doesn’t get Post-Modernism.

“and what the hell is Modernism anyway?” Professor Vince Carthage, the Director of the Undergraduate Philosophy department, seemed to also look disdainfully on Jones’ lack of post-modernist understanding. “Students really have disappointed me in this respect, despite the vast number of times I’ve tried to hammer it into them. It’s pretty simple: There were Post-Modernism movements in philosophic as well as political thought, not to mention in film and architecture. Post-Modernism is all around us. What’s more, it follows modernism! Do these kids even try to study?” Needless to say, the public reaction to Jones’ confession has been anything but helpful. The discouraged student went as far as to say he was considering changing his major to something more “sciencey” and less “PostModernisty.” Said Jones, “my major right now, it’s like I’m getting potty trained. Only I don’t know what a potty is or where it’s located. All I know is that people get mad at me when I poop on the floor.”

October 25, 2001

Page 11

Summit to Start Stealing Silverware Back Ninjas May Be Involved By Brian Uiga America’s Least Wanted MUIR COLLEGE- In response to increased silverware thefts, Sierra Summit announced yesterday their plan to start stealing their property back from students in oncampus housing, where an estimated 80% of all UC-approved dining flatware resides. This drastic new policy was brought into action due to the apparent failure of the previous policy, that of placing guilt-inducing posters all over the eatery. “Yeah, there was an apparent failure of the previous policy,” said Summit employee Jared Henksley, adding: “Nobody ever read those posters anyway; the only time

anyone paid attention to them was when all of the napkins were stolen as well. Then we’d find flyers on the floor covered in poorly homogenized tomato sauce from concentrate, and face grease.” He then hinted to a possible change of catchphrase for the ill-fated posters, from the previous ‘Sierra Summit spent over $3000 in silverware last year’ to ‘This is not a napkin. Deal with your own tomato sauce.’ Housing and Dining Services released a public statement specifying that they would “aggressively and methodically” seek out the missing flatware. No actual methods have been set to battle what has been deemed ‘Un-American Fork Terrorism,’ but rumors

run rampant about the involvement of a secret ninja order, which might be sent into the homes of students to steal their computers as collateral for the purloined silverware. No statements have been made to confirm or deny this theory. Critics argue that, despite these drastic actions, relief will not come soon enough for the silverwarestarved diners, citing reports that many students in the past week were forced to use only straws in the aid of handling and transporting the tough, uncompromising dorm food. But as Jules Lando, a regular Summit diner, can attest to, morale runs high among mealpoint holders: “I actually don’t mind using straws on steak night. After all, I’ve been eating here a month and I can’t tell the difference between the “steak” and the “fruit smoothie”, because I’m colorblind.” photo by Judy Kwan

Summit workers join the Caped Cashier in the fight against theft.

Chamberlain Announces his Triumphant Return to NBA By Richard Lim Staff Writer

photo by PM Zank

Watch out Lakers! 18 foot tall Wilt is going to kick Shaq’s ass in the finals this year!

P O T 12

PHILADELPHIA- In response to the much-anticipated return of Michael Jordan, NBA Legend Wilt “The Stilt” Chamberlain will announce his comeback to professional basketball early next week. Although Chamberlain has been dead for two years, team owners feel he will bring life to the team’s lackluster defense. Chamberlain, who would have been 65 this year, will sign a two-year multi-million dollar contract with the Wizards. Once listed at 7’1” and 275 lbs., Chamberlain is heralded as one of the greatest players in NBA history, amassing unprecedented career stats, which include scoring 100 points in a game, grabbing 55 rebounds, and spreading gallons upon gallons of his seed to women across the country. When asked earlier this month

Reasons to Justif y Cheating: Justify

12. I wanted to sleep with other women so I’d appreciate you more. 11. I wanted to learn new things. For us.

about the possibility of a comeback, Chamberlain said, “Wilt doesn’t need to come back for himself or for the fans. I’m telling you, I love the game. I really love the game. And I’m planning to release my newest rap CD, ‘Wilt Really Loves the Game,’ with my hit single, ‘Wilt is the Lover of Games.’”

P O T 10

Although many in the league question whether Chamberlain can keep up with today’s living legends, such as Kobe Bryant, Shaquile O’Neil and Alan Iverson, Chamberlian is confident of his abilities. “Wilt can keep it up,” he stated. “Wilt will score night after night, and he’ll do well at basketball, too.”

Reasons My Shoe is Up Y our Ass: Your

10. You deserve it, you fuck. 9. I don’t want to know, but keep the shoe. 8. Because, silly, we agreed to start with one and work up from there. 7. The aliens had to improvise after their machines broke. 6. If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you. 5. You badmouthed MacGyver. 4. Hey buddy, just be thankful it ain’t a gerbil.

10. You said we should never cheat when we were fighting. And baby, we weren’t fighting. 9. Look, those three guys were just in the right place at the right time. 8. Well sweetie, you do have a little cock.

3. Court sentences are getting stranger and stranger. 2. Your ass looked like my closet.

7. Because she was asking for it. 6. You make me so hot I just couldn’t wait to see you.

1. You want into the frat or not?

5. I thought it was you. 4. Because your professor said he’d fail you if I didn’t. 3. Well, I mean, he IS hotter than you are. 2. I didn’t know you’d be upset just because I had sex with most of the guys on the rugby team. 1. Because I know you don’t like anal sex.

themq.com as much fun as “Am I hot or not?”

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October 25, 2001

Trading Cards: Anti-Terrorism Dream Team Momâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Apple Pie

Captain America 3.14

Specialty: Wholesome American Goodness Special Weapon: Nutmeg

Michael Jordan

Darth Vader 76

Specialty: Harnessing Reactionary Nationalism Special Weapon: His shield, numbnuts

General MacArthur 23

Specialty: Dream Teams Special Weapon: Wicked turn-around jumper

Specialty: Desire to use nuclear weapons Special Weapon: Nuclear weapons

The Duke 1010

Specialty: Crushing Rebellions Special Weapon: The Force

Pontius Pilate

Specialty: Indigenous Peoples Special Weapon: His fists

Sergeant Slaughter 491

Specialty: Religious insurgencies/ Heretics Special Weapon: Nailgun

Specialty: Whoopass Special Weapon: Kung-Fu Grip

Spot the Differences: Picture 1 has been modified slightly from picture 2. For example, there are Spicier Nacho Dorritos in pic 1, but not in pic 2. How many more differences can you find? (Hint: There are at least 2 more.)

Picture 1(Above) Picture 2 (Below)