MQ
Volume VIII Issue III
Bringing You Another Racism-Free Issue
University of California, San Diego
November 20, 2001
MacGyver to Jury-Rig New Afghan Govt. Expected to employ tree bark, catheter, rule of law
By Zank Down-sized Business Manager WASHINGTON – White House officials announced today that MacGyver has been sent to Kabul to help erect a stable government in the wake of the ruling Taliban regime’s retreat from the city. MacGyver is expected to create the new government out of nothing more than a Swiss Army Knife, VCR, ballpoint pen, and duct tape. “People keep talking about how the situation there is hopeless,” said Pete Thornton, Executive Director of the Phoenix Foundation and longtime friend of MacGyver. “But if I know Mac, he’ll find a way to get the job done. I remember the time we were in Columbia trying to rescue a Congressman’s daughter from a drug cartel. He made a tazergun out of a Ziplock bag and half of a dead fish, so this new government should be a piece of cake.” Secretary of State Colin Powell expressed that the urgency of the situation called for extreme measures. “I don’t know of anyone else who’s as good at making something out of nothing as MacGyver,” he explained. “Our diplomats and political scientists would need at least a sufficient infrastructure to make a new regime work, but I hear this guy can do anything.” A senior White House official said that one of MacGyver’s first tasks would be to create a moderate Islamic leader that the population
Bush Declares Thanksgiving to be National Day of Thanksgiving In a recent televised address from the Whitehouse, President Bush issued a formal proclamation designating Thanksgiving a “National Day of Thanksgiving in which Americans give thanks for all the things they are thankful for. Thank you.”
You Failed Your Midterm Despite an 11-hour overnight attempt to read all 16 chapters of your textbook, you still totally failed your midterm. “I really thought they would curve the scores more,” you said shortly after receiving your failing grade. “One more W will hardly be noticeable,” your academic advisor said of your transcript before suggesting you transfer to state.
Freshman Brags about 22 gig porn collection First year student Alan Menendez spent the first half of Sunday bragging to friends about the 22 gigs. of porn he has recently acquired. Menendez spent the second half of the day, “alone in his room.”
Pretentious Film Major Just Happens to Mention Obscure, Independent French Film She Saw Recently... Pg. Shut the Fuck Up.
photo by Jack Dalton
MacGyver shortly after establishing a free press with his underwear and twelve sour gummi bears.
could rally behind. “All he needs is some palm fronds and a 60 watt halogen bulb for that, but he could probably do it with a 40 watt.” she said. “It shouldn’t be too hard, unless he runs out of palm fronds while making a viable market economy.” Others praised MacGyver’s handiness in tight situations. During the humanitarian crisis in Somalia, MacGyver helped the Red Cross. One volunteer said, “None of us had anything to eat, but he managed to feed an entire village
with his cell phone, a chewing gum wrapper and a cart-load of bread. It baffles me to this day.” A British intelligence official also reported today that Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden may have tried to recruit MacGyver into the organization as recently as last year. Bin Laden reportedly wanted MacGyver to make him a nuclear weapon out of some camel dung and rocks on the floor of his cave.
Born Again Virgin Looks Forward to Weekend of Sex By Johnnie Chi Staff Writer Selma Livingston, a student living in Eleanor Roosevelt College, declared herself a born again virgin last weekend and since then there has been no end to her sexual activity. Warren junior Brian Parisi, one of the many men who have suddenly become attracted to Selma, stated recently why he wants so desperately to have intercourse with her. “Man, I think it’s the fact that she’s an untouched gem... and I want a chance to be the first to polish her up,” he said. “From what I’ve seen of her with other guys, she seems a bit experienced, which is strange for a virgin. But then, I’m going to be the first, so it doesn’t matter.” Selma herself was exhausted from having so many members of the opposite sex “all up on me,” but was amazed by the incredible mass of the male student body. “Man, I had no idea this virginity thing would get me so much action in so little time,” she gushed. “There were like 20 guys here last
Anthrax Manufacturers Team Up With Publishers Clearinghouse. See Coverage...pg. 9
week, and boy am I sore!” Despite the outpouring of male interest, not all students support the recent rise in born again virginity. “It trivializes those of us who are actually saving ourselves,” said actual virgin Victoria Carr while lengthening the hem of her skirt. “Once your virginity’s gone, it’s gone forever. Why can’t she just take it up the ass like the rest of us?” Virginity has been a growing
fad on campus, with many students becoming born again virgins. This rise in virginity has coincided with an equal rise in promiscuity and curiously, both occurring in the same population of students. Said UCSD Student Health director Maria Winslow, “these born again virgins are the biggest sluts around. They see more cock than a chicken farmer, more Dick than Patty Nixon, and more dong than Quasimodo.”
New Study Links Presidential Approval, Reactionary Nationalism... Pg 13.
Back by Very Popular Demand... Page 5.
FALSIFIED QUOTE
“Is it possible to be a little bit pregnant?” —Mary-Kate Olsen
photo by One Lucky Leprechaun
Junior Brian Parisi demonstrates proper conversion technique.
“Only if he’s your producer.” — Ashley Olsen
MQ
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November 20, 2001
MQ R.A. Training Manual Presents:
A Note From the Staff:
How to protect your house/floor/building from terrorist attacks –Anthrax is a real threat, even to UCSD students. It is therefore recommended that you open and thoroughly inspect all residents’ mail. –Make sure your residents never leave their rooms. –DON’T TAKE UNNECESSARY RISKS!: Whenever you hear a plane traveling overhead, pull the fire alarm and make sure the building is evacuated. –Harass and berate residents that are of a different ethnic origin as you. –To protect against the threat of biological weapons, encourage your residents to sleep wearing plastic shopping bags over their heads. –Helpful Fact: Over 90% of all Americans whoexperiment with analingus do not die from terrorist attacks. –If a suspicious individual is reported lingering around your house/floor/building, be safe, not sorry - shoot to kill. –Keep your residents occupied with extracurricular activities to keep their minds off recent events. One option is group monkey-love. –Domestic terrorism is still a real threat. You can do your part by thoroughly inspecting your residents’ personal possessions while they’re at class.
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Reasons Peter Pan Never Got Action
10. He was a prepubescent 9. Tight tights 8. All his friends were fairies 7. Tinkerbell couldn’t accommodate 6. The Lost Boys were really slippery 5. Wendy was a prude 4. Mermaids have different parts 3. He was a dork 2. Pixiedick 1. Whiskey dick A NOTE FROM THE STAFF: Dear RSO’s We would like to apologize for repeatedly making fun of the fat fat RSO in our past few issues. In case you didn’t realize, the MQ has a certain grudge against a certain RSO. The grudge is specific to an individual RSO, and we’d like to point out that it certainly does not extend to all the public servants here at UCSD. You guys are great and you do a lot to make our campus safe. However, there was this time when our Editor in Chief was belligerently drunk and the fat fat RSO came and ruined our party. That was really sad because the party was a lot of fun. Sorry if it got kind of personal, no foul though. You were doing your job in writing us up, and we will do our job by making fun of you.
MQ Staff Editor in Chief......................Colin Parent Managing Editor..................Elijah Zarlin Content Editor..............Jasmine de Lung Asst. Content Editor................James Meeker Design Editor..............................Liz Erwin Asst. Design Editor...............Reid Barrett Fired Bidness Editor.......................Zank Webmaster.........................Michael Truex Human Aquisitions.........Laura Paajanen Sr. Staff Member..........Nick Lieberknecht Sr. Staff Member...............Mike Selvaggio Sr. Staff Member.................Megan Laver Muir Adviser.....................Patty Mahaffey SOLO Adviser...........................Ann Brady
MQ Staff Members The MQ Staff: Attractive, though not so insecure as to need to take note of the fact that we’re attractive. “The views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ and our members. While the MQ is a registered student organization at the University of California, San Diego, the University neither supports nor endorses this publication or its contents. Additionally, the views expressed in this publication do not represent those of the University of California, the Regents, their officers, or employees. The members of the MQ as publishers of the MQ are entirely responsible for its content and they bear the full legal responsibility for any and all consequences arising from its publication..” All content is copyright © 2001 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor of the MQ. Intended to be read solely for entertainment purposes. Justin, shut the fuck up about all the copy mistakes– it’s your own damn fault. Some content introduced solely for purposes of satire or commentary. The MQ makes no claims as to the veracity of any content conatined herein. We do however make multiple claims as to the virility and tenacity of our sexualityness. Making up words is a lot of fun... at 6:45 am, which is when your body starts to metabolize your shit, after you stop running on adrenaline, vivarin, double mochas and baked dailies. Happy Thanksgiving.
Justin Williams Hal Melom Laura Schniedwind Meg O’Neill Sean Kane Adam Armstead Ivan Wick Irene Lee Dave Hughes Dave Krimper Adina Ackerman Claire Suttle
Dale E. Burner Jr. Alex Doherty Akemi Hong Doug Hanes Jeff MacGurn Jacob Campos Sharon Shapiro Andy Collins Erika Cheng Stephanie Chen Nick Thaler Gabe Kreb
Jimmy Bennett Rachel Audino Johnnie Chi Brent Hecht Richard Lim Brian Uiga Billy Joe Watkins Angela Lew Rachael Polokoff Judy Kwan Lauren Lee Heather
MQ Booster Club Dale “48oz of Freedom” Burner Kelly “Cookie Woman” Johnson Lauren “Help-tastic” Lee Geoff–Grandpa Dani (You’re an amazing cook. And lover, probaly, Sean.)
MQ
November 20, 2001
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Freshman Establishes Anime, Cartoon Porn Fan Club By Andy Collins Kick-ass Staff Writer Warren freshman Edward Mirkin announced the foundation of the Anime and Cartoon Pornography Appreciation Club at a press conference Monday morning. The meeting was attended mostly by males under the age of 18 and others who, for unknown reasons, are unable to purchase mainstream pornography. Surrounded by fellow club members in assorted Amazing Nurse Nanako, Ninja Scroll, Neon Genesis Evangelion and other anime-themed clothing, Mirkin cited a lack of focus in current anime clubs as the prime reason for their formation of a new group. “You see,” stated Mirkin, “We mostly just like the hot girls that wear tight clothing or get naked. You know, the ones with large, firm breasts.” He then added, “We also like panty shots.” Disheartened by contact with other organizations that choose to highlight ‘plot’ or other nonsexual aspects of traditional anime, Mirkin reported that he and his associates struck upon the idea to form their own group while watching Agent Aika: Naked Missions for the twenty-seventh time. “The times in Agent Aika when you can see up all the girls’ skirts – that’s the best,” said Mirkin in reference to the numerous scenes
Local Host Mistakenly Invites Jets, Sharks to Party By Zank Downsized Bidness Editor WEST SIDE, NY – A host’s negligence erupted into gang violence at a party Tuesday night when he invited members from two rival street gangs, resulting in a rash of injuries, arrests and show tunes. Host Tony Scarpacci was unaware that the Jets and Sharks were embroiled in a bitter turf war when he was organizing the surprise party for roommate Juan Mendoza‘s birthday. “I swear, I didn’t know,” he explained. “I just told my friend Riff to show up. He asked if it was OK to bring some guys with him, so I said ‘sure.’
Then Juan’s girlfriend told me to invite some of his Puerto Rican friends, so I did.” According to eyewitnesses, the Jets arrived first without much incident. “They seemed pretty cool,” said one partygoer, Kim Richards, “maybe a little bit greasy, but they didn’t cause any trouble until the Puerto Ricans showed up.” The gangs then became embroiled in a vicious melee that led to seven injuries, three of them critical, although none appear to be life threatening. Onlookers described the fight as “graceful” and “balletic.”
photo by Andy Collins
Contrary to popular opinion, this ass shot is integral to the plot of the film.
in which the camera angle is from the floor, allowing viewers to see up the skirts of female characters in the story. “You can practically see through their clothes. We wanted nothing but that kind of stuff in our group. We love that shit.” He then went on to describe his favorite tentaclerape scene in La Blue Girl 6. “I also love how she tries to be a
normal girl. Sorry Miko, but being a half-demon, ninja sex-warrior means trouble all year around!” Future plans of the club include movie marathons, followed by masturbation; drawing workshops, followed by masturbation; pedophilia, followed by masturbation; and a trip to the San Diego Zoo, followed by masturbation.
Gang violence has never been so poetic.
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photo by Truex and Akemi
Ways Bush has mispelled TTerrorism errorism
10. Tarot-ism 9. Tearorism 8. Subliminable 7. Those bad people 6. Terroristical 5. Personal note: Ask daddy 4. Terrorism (submitted by Colin Powell) 3. TexasTexas 2. I love puppies 1. Islam TOP
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Headlines in the California Review
10. We Eat Hippies and Shit Out a Strong Economy 9. The Left Can Toss Our Salads 8. Every American Should Have the Right to Beat His God-Fearing Wife
7. I Invite George W. Bush to Pee On My Naked, Sweaty Body
6. 5.
Katherine Harris Is Such a Hottie
I Like Guns and Killing and Charlton Heston and Then More Guns
4. All Liberals Smell Like Shit and Eat Babies 3. Have You Murdered Your Registered Democrat Today?
Come to the meeting, we don’t eat hippies, or shit out a strong market economy. Well, at least the first part is true. Tuesday, 6pm, Half Dome Lounge in Muir College
2. Thanks For Justifying My Moronic Rants, Osama 1. We Are Right – Get it? A pun! Oh my GOD that’s funny! But really, all our opinions are correct while yours are all grievously wrong and primitive.
MQ
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November 20, 2001
Popular Girl Begins Cutting Buddy List Dorks, losers axed By MQRooolz99 Blocked After realizing that her 140-person Buddy List was too cumbersome to manage, first-year student Jaime Mitchell has undertaken a round of massive cuts. The cuts are designed to eliminate deadweight and annoying guys that have been constantly IMing her. Buddies will be judged on quality of Away Messages, frequency of Personal Profile Updates, and “creepiness.” “I met a lot of people during the first couple weeks of the quarter,” explained Mitchell, “and since I was trying to get to know everyone, of course we exchanged IM names. I used to think they were cool, before I got to know them.” As the quarter progressed, more and more people have realized that Mitchell is one of the smartest, friendliest, and attractive girls on campus, prompting demand for her online time to skyrocket. “One time, I had seven
guys IM me, one right after the other, asking if I wanted to go to OVT to get ice cream. I couldn’t even remember their names,” she complained. “Now that I’m so popular, I can’t afford to have so many mediocre acquaintances taking my attention away from people who are worth my time.” Complicating Mitchell’s cutback plan is AOL Instant Messenger’s Buddy-Blocking system, which requires users to keep the stalkers they wish to block listed as Buddies. “I’d love to cut ‘Surfdood69 and ‘DankieFourTwenty,’ from my list,” said the first-year, “but then they’d start IMing me again. I don’t want to have to file for restraining orders.” One of the first cuts Mitchell plans on making is ‘UCSD FunFunCutieG1rl,’ her roommate Sarah. “Sarah is really annoying, because she’ll send me an IM from across the room that says ‘hi wuz up :D,’ as if she didn’t know that I was sitting at my computer trying to ignore her.”
photo by Steve Case
If you were cute, you’d be this popular, too. Loser.
Mark McGwire Cast in Episode II By Zank Padawan Learner, Batboy
The Force is strong with this one.
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10.
Vis. Ar ts Project Arts Ideas
photo by Ken “Cracky” Caminiti
Point/Counter point: Pr esidential Intellig ence oint/Counterpoint: Presidential Intelligence
George W. Bush is Profoundly Stupid Former President George Bush
Strawberry Jell-O Nativity Scene
9. Aborted Fetus Pointillism 8. Inadequately Sized Genitalia Sculpture 7.
Homegrown Porno
6. Pooping on Extended Family’s Prom Dresses 5.
Ass Xeroxes
4.
Dead Puppy Totem Pole
I trust I am not alone in my knowledge that our president, my son, George W. Bush, is not a very intelligent man. However, many of the people that I inter-
Crash Your Car Into People
1. Tape Some Boxes Together or Something
act with on a daily basis seem oblivious to the fact that he is profoundly stupid. I am not talking about some minor disability like dyslexia – I’m talking about fullblown Down syndrome or autism. Don’t misunderstand me; just because I am his father doesn’t mean I am being unduly harsh. I am just sick of Barb always treating him like some goddamned baby. She spoils that little shit to no end. It’s a shame that my buddies and I had to put him into office, but Jeb is just too big of a pussy to take any
chances with. He’d probably go liberal on us and end up handing out free abortions to crack-addicted welfare mothers. At least George W. is controllable – all we have to do is bribe him with a couple Ding-Dongs and he’ll sign any dotted line we point at. Still, it is a lot of work to get back into the swing of running the Oval Office, although I find myself enjoying it. It’s just a shame I have to watch after George Jr. at the same time – I’m getting too damn old for horsey rides.
I Have A Learning Disability President George W. Bush
3. Do Some Shit to the Sun God 2.
Following his sudden retirement from Major League Baseball, Mark McGwire has announced his plans to begin an acting career. McGwire, one of baseball’s alltime greatest sluggers, will make his debut in the next installment of the popular Star Wars franchise. He will play Gwimer Karm, the largest member of the Jedi council, in a ferocious battle against an
army of clones. Karm also leads the Jedi council in career home runs and slugging percentage. “We thought that the addition of Mark as a character would spice up the film, and he certainly fits in with my grand artistic vision” said franchise creator George Lucas. “So we just went back and digitally added him to most of the scenes.” Lucas also said that he planned on digitally adding some plot and quality acting.
I’m not stupid, I’m special. That’s what Mama always said when she got me a Happy Meal from McDonald’s. I love my mama. She and Daddy were always encouraging me while me
and Uncle Dick went through that whole election thing with all those angry people. Sometimes I just wanted to give up and let Al win, but Daddy just kept telling me that it was almost over and when it was done I wouldn’t have to do nothing because everyone would be nice to me and do my work. He sure gave me lots of Ding-Dongs whenever we were on the plane. I don’t like it when people are mean to me. Daddy is mean to me sometimes. He makes me cry a lot because he always tries to make me do hard
things like talk in front of lots of people. Jeb was always smacking me whenever I tried to pick up those itty-bitty cigarettes off the ground in parking lots. Mama made him be extra nice to me during the election and help me win. Mama says Jeb should be more respectafull now that I live in the White House. Mrs. Harris sure gives me lots of respect. She visits me to talk and give me hugs, and sometimes she tickles my bum. She’s a nice lady. I wish I had a pony.
University of California, San Diego
Volume 58, Issue 1.25
November 13, 2001
“Cowering Behind the First Amendment for 20 years.”
INSIDE: Special Racism-Free Issue. Now in Funny-VisionTM!
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The UCSD Koalla: Sorry In Soooo Many Ways
My Pathetic Excuse
P
reviously I have stated that I have no intention of apologizing for the “jokes” in my paper. Well, I have reconsidered. Being a pretentious and arrogant person, I’m not afraid to be called a hypocrite, because I don’t care about other people’s opinions. So here I go: I’m really sorry. The Koalla’s jokes are ignorant, juvenile, lewd, easy, base, boorish, forgettable, banal, un-witty, trite, repetitious, predictable, boring, froshy, sophomoric, contrived, uninspired, lackadaisical, callow, pubescent, sorry, antiSemitic, anti-Islamic, pathetic, philistine, narrow, pointless, cheap, drug induced and offensive, without the benefit of also being funny. I’ll be the first to admit that. Oh, the jokes are also fetid, I forgot to add that. In light of all of that—and in light of the fact that our jokes are also puerile, illegitimate, superficial, misogynistic, stupid, brainless and repugnant—I would like to take this
opportunity to explain my actions. I would first like to respond to the people who were offended by the statements we made about members of the Jewish faith. As I have previously stated, I AM a member of the Jewish faith, and therefore nothing I say about Jewish people can be offensive, because like I said, I’m Jewish. I would next like to respond to the people who were offended by the statements we have made about Asian -American students. Though I haven’t revealed this fact, I am an Asian —an Asian Jew— and therefore, nothing I say about Asians can be offensive either. Many members of the female sex have also expressed that they are offended by my derogatory statements about Womyn. I would like to stress that the reason I make fun of womyn isn’t simply because one has never touched my penis. In fact, I feel that I am justified in making fun of womyn, because I am one. I am a female, Asian, Jew, and thus nothing I say about females can be offensive either. It has also come to my attention that many members of the animal community have been offended by a number of statements that I have made about donkeys. Well, in addition to being female, Asian and Jewish, I am also a donkey, and thus my statements about donkeys are obviously not offensive. As a side note, I would also like to address concern over some perhaps insensitive statements we have made about anal-felching. I myself am a frequent anal-felcher, and thus the statements I have made regarding anal-felching are, in no way, offensive. As you can see, we at the Koalla weren’t trying to hurt anyone’s feelings, and the last thing we want to do is make anyone feel uncomfortable. I, of all people, should know how difficult it is to live in this world as an Asian, female, Jewish, anal-felching donkey, even without members of a UCSD funded newspaper making asinine, despicable, vile, seditious, unworthy, petty and worthless jokes about us all the time. So if anyone was offended by any statements the Koalla has made, it’s obvious they misunderstood them. The statements weren’t meant to be offensive, and as I’ve said, they can’t be, because I am personally a member of all races, genders, religious groups, and partisan sports affiliations we mention. So on behalf of the Koalla, blow me. Please. Somebody, anybody. Please blow me.
November 13, 2001
It’s the “tacked-on expletive in place of humor”
SMART PIC OF THE MONTH!
The Editor
Your Satirized
Letters to the Editor Dear Koalla, Why’re you all racists? -Mary Dear Mary, We’re all racists because we have small dicks. -Koalla Dear Koalla, Aren’t you forgetting some people on your staff!? Not everyone’s born with a penis. Judging by that last answer, I guess you’re all sexists too! -Mary Dear Mary, No, no, Mary, you got us all wrong. We have an ALL MALE staff. Girls are way to creeped out by us to join the Koalla. So as I said before, we have small dicks. -Koalla Dear Koalla, If you will pardon my reinforcement of a heteronormativity: Are you sure the small dicks aren’t what’s keeping the girls away? -Mary Dear Mary, Touché. -Koalla.
An Asshole
Bathed in Urine: And here we thought no one could ever find a better use for our paper than covering embarrasing genital blemishes. The Koalla is still excellent for hiding open sores, but we’d also like to reccommend you take out your agression against it.
The KOALLA is: A Travesty A waste of funds too Really Dumb We’re talking SDSU dumb Mandated by the Evil Dr. Claw We’re totally the bad guys Not Going to Get Funded Next Quarter We hear the US is freezing our assets: four empty beer bottles, and a rubber patch kit for our well worn “sister susie” doll. Really Poopy Poop Poop Poop Poop POOp Poop Poop Poop Poop POOp Produced for People Who Like to Read the Word Poop: Poop This publication is to be read for entertainment purposes only. The events, newspapers, individuals and jokes referred to in this publication are almost entirely fictitious. Any resemblance to real life events, newspapers, individuals and jokes, are almost entirely coincidental and unintentional. Also, the fact that this publication IS funny further proves that it is, in no way, a reference to any real student publications, which may bear very similar names. To make this clearer: What we are saying here is that, hypothetically, if there WERE a campus publication that had a name similar to this one— such as The Koalaa, or The Koaala, or The Kooala—we would obviously not be referencing them, since we are funny, and they are not funny. “The views expressed in this publication are solely those of some of the members of some student organizations. While the publisher of this publication is recognized as a campus student organization at the University of California, San Diego, the views expressed in its publication do not represent those of ASUCSD (not ALL of it’s members, anyway,) the University of California, the Regents, their officers, or employees. Each publication bears the full legal responsibility for it’s content.” Unless that publication’s name is the Koalla with one “l”, and their content is libelous, hatefull, racist, mind-numbingly stupid and opposed to the UCSD Principles of Community, in which case it bears no legal responsibility, because UCSD students are all a bunch of spineless sheep, though we still love you. You might be wondering why so many funny people took a few hours out of their busy schedules in order to make fun of such a stupid, offensive, STUPID newspaper that everybody hates. To be honest, a lot of it has to do with wanting to kick the Koalla (with one “l”) while they are down. A lot of it has to do with the fact that, like you, we hate them. We don’t think they’re funny, although we have to admit we are sometimes tickled by references to “ass cum.” The first amendment protects the right to say whatever you want. Some choose to interpret this to mean they should be offensive for the sake of being offensive. Those people sadly miss the point, and those who are subjected to their mindless notions of “humor” are worse off for it.
The Koalla http://www.racistsonsofbitches.com Call us blow-hards and remind us how much we suck: (858) 534-4216 the_editor’s_a_dick@thekoalla.org
Copyright ©2001 All rights reserved. “If we were any dumber, we’d be dead.”
November 13, 2001
The UCSD Koalla: Putting the Dumb and Shit back in Dumbshit
The World Infamous
KOALLA Lists!!
Top Three Reasons We Hate People Who Are Different from Us: 1) They have significant others 2) They’re good looking 3) Other people have intimidating intelligence Top Five Favorite Things to Do on the Weekend: 1) Attend a “Hate Your Neighbor Rally” 2) Violate restraining orders 3) Get fucked up and bone farm animals 4) Make members of our community feel alienated, all while roaring drunk 5) Perfect our unique blend of fart jokes and misogyny Top Four Reasons Why We Use the Term “Dirty Slut Who Has Lots of Sex And Has Many STDs” Every Other Word: 1) Because it was in the Koalla last year 2) “I was under the impression that the basest humor is in fact the funniest, you dirty STD girl” 3) It’s still totally our best “Dirty Slut” joke 4) “I like to make references to women, because I am incapable of speaking to them” Top Five Reasons I Was Teased in Elementary School: 1) Shallow gene pool 2) I was a fuckingassholeprick back then too 3) Spastic colon 4) I can’t stop swearing 5) The last time I was there was last week, cruisin’ for chicks Top Seven People We Hate Because We’re Dicks: 1) Ghandi 2) Mary Tyler Moore 3) Victims of Terrorism 4) Audrey Hepburn 5) Our parents 6) Red Cross Workers 7) New York City Firemen and Police Officers Top One Person We Like Because We’re Dicks: 1) Uncle Rick and his “wandering hands” Top Two Role Models When We Were Children: 1) Our physically abusive alcoholic father 2) Uncle Rick and His “Wandering Hands” Top Five Groups on Campus We Like to Alienate: 1) Conscious girls 2) Our funding source 3) Nice folks 4) Anyone who’s L, G, B, T, or A 5) Anyone who knows what the A stands for
Top One Reason We Think Hate is Cool: 1) We’re dumb Top Seven Jokes We’re Capable of Making: 1) Fart 2) Race 3) Bathroom 4) Race 5) Poo 6) Boobs 7) Dirty fucking sluts with their mouths filled with ass cum Top Seven Jokes That Aren’t Funny: 1) Fart 2) Race 3) Bathroom 4) Race 5) Poo 6) Boobs 7) Dirty fucking sluts with their mouths filled with ass cum Top Five Koalla Editors of All Time: 1) Sticky-D 2) Half-Cock McGurk 3) Doogie McRacist 4) Small-Cock Johnson 5) Liddle Cock Top Five Names We Almost Called This Piece of Shit: 1) Look Mom We’re Offensive! 2) Fuck, I Just Said Fuck! 3) The Cum Rag 4) Ku-oala 5) We Totally Suck Top Three Things We Do with the UCSD Principles of Community: 1) Wipe our asses with it 2) Tread on it 3) Mop the vomit off our office floor with it Top One Reason our Last Issue Was 60% Ads: 1) There’s a limit to how many Dirty Slut jokes a room full of assholes can make Top Seven “Voices” We Represent At UCSD: 1) Racists 2) Guys who like spending every Friday night with a bunch of other guys in a warm office, with flat beer, sitting in front of a computer using desktop publishing software 3) Really Really Dumb People 4) Our own ignorant opinions 5) Daughters of the American Revolution 6) People who like to see the word “Fuck” in print…Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck 7) Really lonely guys in the back of your Chem lab who can’t work up the courage to talk to you, but who feels free to write a personal in which he refers to you as a dirty slut whose breasts he’d like to photograph and send to his mother
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Top Seven Reasons Why 67% of the Voting Student Body Reads The Koalla: 1) The voting public likes to read shit 2) It was shoved in their faces by a large, ugly drunk without a shirt 3) The smart people didn’t vote 4) Rush Limbaugh has 70% of the listenership during his timeslot, and just over 70% of his listeners think he’s a dick 5) People are fascinated with car accidents too 6) Sometimes you happen to read a word or two while you are changing the lining of your hamster cage 7) A lot of people read it before wiping their asses with it Top Four Reasons Why 67% of the Voting Student Body SAID they read the Koalla: 1) Mistook the word “Koalla” for remotely entertaining literature 2) Felt bad for the dick wads who waste all their time publishing it and not getting any ass 3) The same computer nerd who writes all the personals hacked into studentlink and voted 2,255 times (That’s 61%, not 67% by the way.) 4) We clubbed everyone who wasn’t a white male before they had a chance to get to the polls Top Five Reasons We Are Close to Being Kicked off Campus: 1) Everybody wants us to get kicked off campus 2) Someone sent a copy of our hate-rag to Mom 3) Everybody hates us 4) Really, everybody hates us 5) Maintenance is tired of replacing our windows after bricks get thrown through them Top One Reason We Haven’t Been Kicked Off Campus Yet: 1) People are afraid of confronting assholes Top Eight Things to do at Our Meetings: 1) Blow student funds on Natty Ice 2) Blow 3) Sit around and laugh at how students pay for us to hate them 4) Talk about girls we’re told are easy 5) Write our own Personals 6) Pass out 7) Skeet Shooting 8) Driving drunk Top 5 Things We are Proud of: 1) Terrorism 2) 4-inch cock 3) The time we nailed a conscious girl 4) Masturbating grudge matches 5) This issue–our best ever!
Page 4
The UCSD Koalla: Personally insulting you for the last time.
Totally unsolicited...
KOALLA
PERSONALS
To that hot guy on the Koalla who I’m really interested in hooking up with, YOU DON’T EXIST! –Any Decent Person With Self Esteem
I’m too stupid to have anything published so I thought I’d put this little personal here and say fuck a few times. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Maybe I’ll say bitch too. And Whore. Look at me, I just said whore. I’m really enjoying this because it’s the only time I’ll see my words in print, ever!! Oh and I hate some girl or some race or something!! -Some stupid fuck (I sit in the back in Chem.) Hey, it’s me, Some stupid fuck again. I just dropped in a personal but I wanted to add something and I couldn’t find it in the bag so I
just thought I’d drop another one in. Oh, shit, I forgot what I wanted to say, but god it gives me wood thinking about seeing all these words in print. –Some stupid fuck, again
To the stupid fuck in chem class, I am the girl you previously referred to as the “stupid fucking whore…” Your reference to me in this regard made me very sexually aroused. I cannot wait to meet you so we may engage in sexual interTo the girl I previously referred to course. Small though you may be, as: “the stupid fucking whore who my “dirty cum filled mouth” is easits in the front row of my chem gerly awaiting your genitalia none class and never ever shuts her dirty the less, because, as I previously cum filled mouth.” I don’t actually stated, your eloquent words have think you are a stupid fucking ignited my loins. Quivering with whore who has a dirty cum filled anticipation, mouth. When I wrote that, I was –One of many girls you will never, hanging out with some friends ever have sex with. who were talking shit about you, and they pressured me in to writ- To those assholes who print all ing it, even though I didn’t want those racist personals, keep up to. I’m sorry I gave in to their peer the good work. I love you guys. pressure, it’s just that I am I mean, without you, who’d extrodinarily insecure and I can represent MY voice at UCSD? only make myself feel better by in- –Some Racist Fuck sulting you. –You know the guy Wanted: Someone to finish writing these personals. We, the Koalla staff, are getting tired and can’t think up too many more way’s to use the term “stupid fucking
Want To Stomp On Puppies? Then bring another fucking puppy to our meeting!
November 13, 2001 We do not write these personals. In fact Your Honor, we don’t know who does. But I can assure you that those child pornography tapes do not belong to the Koalla.
whore” or “dirty cum filled mouth.” We’d really like someone to relieve us…Ok, so you caught us! We do write our own personals!!! Big deal. We don’t write ALL of them, we just write 20 or so more than we get, because we have to cut most of the ones submitted by the stupid fuck in your chem class. As it turns out, personals are a very simple and mindless way to generate content that is sufficiently offensive to bolster readership. We always like to say that these personals represent the voice of UCSD. Well, we still think that’s true. It just turns out that the normally spoken voice of UCSD isn’t really racist enough or offensive enough or stupid-fuckingwhorey enough to convince anyone to read a paper with layout as atrocious as ours is. So we help out a little. We just want you to know, we are very sorry if we offended you or abused your trust. If there’s one thing the Koalla never wanted, it was to offend people. Psych–We hate you!!!
This blank box is funnier than our last 12 issues combined! (This space is wasted because we’re wasted too!)
San Diego Detox! Come Hang Out with Us!!! • Wake up, Koalla-Style! This puppy is ready for stomping, as soon as we fix this damn keyline. Dammit we suck at publishing!
Now that we have your attention, we’ll admit we have nothing real to say, but why don’t you come to our meeting anyway and help perpetuate the stupidity that we stand for. P.S. Stomping out the life of an innocent animal can help you feel better about your own. We’ll show you how.
• Split cab fare for the ride back home with your favorite Koalla editor! • Spend a few slovenly hours free from your personal insecurities and inadequacies! Directions: Get drunk and puke on a cop or RA. See you there!
While you’re there, try: DETOX TOTALLY NUDE “You’ll be glad you’re unconscious” Free Admission with this Ad!!!
MQ
November 20, 2001
Page 9
MQ’S LIVE, EXCLUSIVE, BREAKING COVERAGE OF DEATH AND DESTRUCTION
TELEVISION VIEWERS UNDER SIEGE
Coverage by Elijah Zarlin
“Because if you’re scared, you’ll keep watching the news”
RIDGE URGES CONGRESS TO TRUST AIRPORT SECURITY TO TERRORISTS The newly appointed Director of President Bush’s Office of Homeland Security, Tom Ridge, complicated the airline security debate Tuesday in an address to aviation officials at the White House. Though the debate had previously centered on the question of private versus government control of airport security, Ridge urged Congress to strongly consider a third option: turning control of airport security over to domestic and international terrorist factions. “In this new, terrorized America, terrorist factions could provide reliable and much welcomed stability to the insufficient and unsatisfactory airport security industry,” said Ridge. “Terrorist factions have demonstrated an extraordinary degree of organization, professionalism, attention to detail and commitment to their cause—all of
which makes them the perfect defenders of our airports.” Though many industry insiders have expressed concern about the prospect of giving control of airport security to the very individuals whose actions the industry is designed to prevent, Ridge made an effort to dispel all naysayers. “Who better than terrorists to identify and avert potential terrorist acivity in our airports or in our airplanes? Nobody knows terrorism like terrorists. Their knowledge and work ethic will be perfectly suited for this industry.” Some, however, were still not convinced. FAA director L. Nicholas Lacey expressed his doubts after the speech. “Is he out of his fucking mind?” asked Lacey. “This plan gives terrorists unparalleled access to the very airplanes and airports they seek to terrorize. So what in the name of my sweet, dead grandmother is he talking about?”
Ridge later expressed his concern that his speech had been misunderstood. “I think it’s clear that some people are missing the point of my plan,” said Ridge, taking questions after the speech. “My plan isn’t going to help terrorists. Currently, our airport security has a few glaring shortcomings that are enabling terrorists to pass weapons by metal detectors and sneak explosives through luggage searches. Our government and our current airport security forces do not posses the knowledge necessary to prevent these security breaches. Terrorists, however, know exactly where to look for these deadly implements of terrorism. By stationing terrorists at the metal detectors, and putting them in charge of opening and going through people’s luggage, we will be able to much more effectively prevent the types of security problems we have seen in the past. It’s really quite simple.”
photo by Brian Uiga
Don’t worry, Osama has your safety in mind.
BUSH SCOFFS AT ANTHRAX Attempting to calm an American populace shaken by the deadly virus Anthrax, the President stated yesterday that he was “unconcerned” about the threat of “that stuff.” Speaking to the DEA, President Bush appeared to have a great deal of energy and exhibited a level of confidence not usually seen in the camera-shy leader. “I’ve had plenty of experience with white powders” the President said, poking his elbow into the stomach of Drug Czar Edward H. Jurith. “You know what I’m talking about, Eddie. What I mean, is that this particular white powder is nothing to worry about.” The speech was well received, and most Americans were impressed with the President’s display of chemical knowledge. “I realize I can’t say this about a lot of things, but I know white powders very well, and this one is not all it’s cracked up to be.” Twenty minutes into the speech, the president became visibly lethargic and the pace of his speech slowed significantly. Though he seemed anxious to step down from the podium, the president continued to stress the message that anthrax was
photo by Truex
United States President George W. Bush takes care of his stash of white powder.
not something about which Americans should be concerned. “I’ve never met a white powder I didn’t like, and this one’s not gonna be the first. It would be a
great injustice to let some little white powder occupy our thoughts, instead of thinking about the many heroes and heroine that has emerged out of the
attacks. The market is saturated right now with the finest cut of white, I mean, red white and blue. Uh, right, so, don’t worry about Anthrax!”
ANTHRAX MANUFACTURERS CONCERNED ABOUT THE THREAT OF CIPRO In a number of complaints sent through the US postal system, Anthrax manufactures have revealed concern about the spread of the antibotic Cipro. “Cipro poses a significant threat to every citizen’s right to contract and die from deadly bio-terrorist, weaponized bacteria,” said the manufacturers, speaking on conditions of anonymity from an undisclosed location in Trenton, NJ. Letters voicing this concern have been sent to all pharmaceutical companies, as well as to the Alliance for Justice, the ACLU, the NRA, the FDA, the FAA, the Federal Reserve Board, the Supreme Court, the offices of several high-ranking Washington officials, everyone on your block, and you. Stay tuned for live, breaking, “fair and balanced” updates on how not to die.
MQ
Page 10
November 20, 2001
Administration Cancels Sociology Class on Mass Suicide By Zank Soooo Fired UC SAN DIEGO – The Department of Academic Affairs has announced that Sociology 189J: Sociology of Mass Suicide will no longer be offered, citing a lack of available faculty following this quarter’s fifth-week midterm examination. The course is described in the UCSD general catalog as “an exploration of the social factors leading to mass suicide, as well as methods of its successful implementation.” This quarter’s twopart midterm required students to complete their choice of two essay topics, then drink a cup of arsenic-laced lemonade. A required $20.00 materials fee is assessed at registration, and the course can be repeated twice for credit. Some students expressed concern that the details of the test were not described to them until after the fourth-week deadline to drop the class without a “W.” “It seemed unreasonably harsh,” said senior Alicia Nguyen, who failed the midterm. “I’m try-
ing to get into a first-tier law school and a “W” pretty much relegates me to the second-tier. Of course, dying doesn’t help either.” Sophomore James Fiedler was taking the class with a Pass/No Pass grading option. “I was looking for some easy credit for my GE sequence. I thought I could do just a little bit to get a “C” and everything would be cool,” he said, “but it’s really hard to be only a little bit dead.’” Substitute professor Marla Fitzpatrick was assigned to the class following the death of the professor proctoring the midterm. “The only students left in the class are all failing due to their poor midterm grades,” she said. “Most of them just lost interest and took the ‘W’. That’s why the course was cancelled.” One of the remaining students, Jose Cabrera, explained why he hadn’t dropped the class, even though he was doing poorly. “All through high school, community college and UCSD, my lowest
photo by Truex’s camera
All these people passed the midterm.
grade was a B+,” he lamented. “It looks like I’m going to fail for the first time. My parents will be re-
ally disappointed. Now I’m really looking forward to the final exam.”
MQ Presents: Know Your Freshmen!
TOP
10
Euphemisms For Sex Uttered By Martha Stewart:
10. Entertaining Guests 9. Exploring the Green-
house
8. Planting Tubers 7. Plowing the
Flowerbeds
6. Basting the Turkey 5. Kneading the Dough 4. Tenderizing the Flank Steak
3. Hand-whipped Cream
2. Making Clam Chowder
1. Stuffing the Hen
Visit the MQ’s Website: www.themq.com It’s MUCH funnier than a family tragedy.
By Akemi Hong Staff Artist-Type
We promise.
MQ
November 20, 2001
Page 11
ARENA
What’s Your Favorite Thanksgiving Memory?
The time I turned 21 on Thanksgiving and all the bars were closed so I distilled the sweet potatoes and drank them.
One of my favorite memories was when my little brother Johnny hit puberty and mom said we couldn’t eat the mashed potatoes that year.
One of my favorite memories was three years ago when during a post-dinner football game, my Uncle Julio paralyzed my little brother from the waist down and landed him in a wheelchair.
Paul Ank Sad, sad man
Colin McParent Muir Senior
Herbert York Nonaffiliate
This one time my hippie mom tried to cook a soy turkey, but we sure surprised her when she found herself eating a rare flank steak.
Amanda Forsberg Pizza Delivery
––News in Brief–– Michael Jackson Changes Name to Janet NEVERLAND RANCH–The King of Pop rocked the music world with his announcement Wednesday that he is officially changing his first name to Janet, making him Janet Joseph Jackson. “It has a nice ring to it,” Jackson explained. Jackson’s name is not the first thing he has changed about himself since his initial ascent to stardom in the 1960s, when he had an afro. He no longer has an afro. Jackson’s publicist, Kenny Goldberg, divulged that the name was changed in order to refresh Jackson’s lackluster image. “We’re also hoping music listeners will forget that Michael‘s, I mean Janet’s last hit, ‘You Are Not Alone,’ was an awful, awful song.” –A. Ackerman
ABC Launches Soap Spinoff Specific Hospital N EW Y ORK –Creators of the popular soap opera General Hospital have launched a new spinoff enitled Specific Hospital. “People complained that General Hospital was, you know, too general,” said series creator Matt Garcia, who also stated that the success of Law & Order spinoffs SVU, Criminal Intent, and Parking Violations Unit prompted the project. “Specific Hospital will be much more, you know, specific.”
Proud Father Phones Son on Bar Mitzvah S ANTA M ONICA –Proud father Lew Friedman made a congratulatory phone call to his son Aaron on the day of his Bar Mitzvah celebration. Friedman, 48, was in St. Louis to attend his college
UCSD–Following last Wednesday’s sparsely attended ProAmerica rally in the Price Center, there has been a strong rise in opposition to Pro-America rallies. “It’s not that I dislike this country, I just can’t stand all these reactionary, jingoistic assholes waving flags in my face,” one student said. In response to such criticisms rallyorganizers, Bradly White recently said, “Clearly, the targets in the Afghan bombing campaign need to be expanded to include all these freedom-hating liberal assholes who would have us believe they are ‘Americans.’”
Student Voices Intent to get drunk this Weekend UCSD–Speaking to his suitemates while standing in line at OVT late Thursday, Thurgood Marshall College first-year Steve Kim announced his intentions to get drunk this Friday. “Shit, dude, I’m gonna get so fucking wasted tomorrow. Dude,” Kim said while playing Snake on his cell phone. Kim’s roommate Donald Pleasant was skeptical however, noting that Kim has fallen short of a similar declaration as recently as last Saturday when he visited Rimac and was asleep by 12:30. “He totally didn’t get wasted,” said Pleasant.
Yobi Granaka Jedi Knight
No way! I’m not answering your dumbass 10 Questions! Oh wait? This is Arena? Score! I’m so glad you’re dropping such an atrocious waste of space. Oh, you’re with the MQ? I can’t believe you amateurs have a deeper understanding of the UCSD readership than the Guardian.
Melinda von Yvesgründ Miss Revelle, 1999
Ask a High School Valedictorian Who is Drunk for the First Time:
roommate’s bachelor party when he called Aaron on his cell phone from the Spearmint Rhino Gentleman’s Club. An emotional Friedman remarked, “I’m really glad I could be there for him on such a special day.”
Pro-America Rally Bolsters Anti-Pro-America Sentiment
I guess my favorite memory is when my Uncle Steve started drinking so early he passed out before had time to hit on my sister.
By Samantha Summers
Dear High School Valedictorian Who is Drunk for the First Time, I’ve always felt awkward accepting gifts. I don’t like receiving gifts because I’m very picky and never appreciate what people give me. I feel awful for not being gracious when people buy me gifts, but I really have everything I need. How can I tell my friends and family not to buy me presents without hurting them? -Awkward in Annapolis Dear Awkward, This party is so awesome. I never went to parties during high school. You know me, always studying. Do you want to hear a poem by Keats? Its called, “Ode to a Grecian Urn.” O Attic shape! Fair attitude! with bread Of marble men and matings overwrought, With florest branches and the trodden weed. …Weed. Thou, form…no wait…silent form dost tease our out of thought. Than ours, a friend to man, to whom thou say’st, “Beauty is truth, truth booty..fuck, beauty,”—that is all Ye know on earth, and… hey! That’s my beer! And all that you…um… fuck. I forget the rest. Damnit, I’m so stupid. Dear High School Valedictorian Who is Drunk for the First Time, My grandmother passed away six months ago, but I still find myself tearing up all the time when I think of her. How can I move on? -Crying in Culver City Dear Crying, I am so sorry, I’ve never been drunk before. I’m sorry. Do you know where the bathroom is? Am I boring you? I just wanted to know in case I have to throw up. I don’t have to now, but I just wanted to be prepared. I’m sorry. Do I sound lame? I’m sorry I keep saying I’m sorry. Am I boring you? Did I already ask you that before? I’m sorry. Dear High School Valedictorian Who is Drunk for the First Time, My neighbor gets a morning paper and when I come home from work in the evening it is still on his lawn. I ride the train for an hour and a half to get to work and I like having something to read, but I can’t afford a newspaper subscription. Is it wrong for me to take the paper to work and then return it when I get back? -Paper-pinching in Pittsburg Dear Pinching, I’m such a nerd. I’m supposed to be having fun and I can’t escape my nerdiness for just one night. I hate myself. Why can’t I just relax? Do you think I’m pretty? I’ve never had a boyfriend before. I once kissed this guy at a New’s Year party at my older cousin’s house in Vermont, who is totally not like me, she’s really popular and pretty, but I had to leave because I had a PSAT prep class at 10 the next morning, but now that I think of it I could have missed it, but I was so afraid that I wouldn’t do well on the PSATs and they totally decide your future because colleges look at them. God, I’m such a loser. What? Ask a High School Valedictorian Who is Drunk For the First Time is syndicated in 1 newspaper on the UCSD campus
new and improved: It’s our website, Jerky! t h e m q .
www.themq.com c o m
MQ
Page 12
November 20, 2001
Trading Cards: Operation Enduring Freedom Government Spending
Lower Interest Rates
13 tril
Increase since 9/11: $100 billion Increase in Freedom: -4%
Tom Ridge
0.9
People killed on 9/11: 4,978 0% APR on new car: Priceless
Al Jazeera TV 48
Occupation: Homeland security Slugging Percentage: Arab-Americans
Private First Class Maria Santos
N. Alliance Soldier
18
Duty: Being all she can be Fun Fact: An army of one
Big Fucking Bombs 210
666
Arabic For: “All that jazz” Fun Fact: All 150,000 subscribers in US are suspects
Pro: Like a nuke, but without the political mess. Con: Not a nuke
1010
Duty: American cannon fodder Weakness: Horse maintenance
Enduring Freedom 1
Qualities: Enduring (?) Whose Freedom: The First World’s
Join the MQ. We don’t bite, unless you ask us nicely. Tuesdays from 6:00 pm to 7:00 pm in the Half Dome lounge.