MQ
Volume VIII Issue III
Bringing You Another Racism-Free Issue
University of California, San Diego
November 20, 2001
MacGyver to Jury-Rig New Afghan Govt. Expected to employ tree bark, catheter, rule of law
By Zank Down-sized Business Manager WASHINGTON – White House officials announced today that MacGyver has been sent to Kabul to help erect a stable government in the wake of the ruling Taliban regime’s retreat from the city. MacGyver is expected to create the new government out of nothing more than a Swiss Army Knife, VCR, ballpoint pen, and duct tape. “People keep talking about how the situation there is hopeless,” said Pete Thornton, Executive Director of the Phoenix Foundation and longtime friend of MacGyver. “But if I know Mac, he’ll find a way to get the job done. I remember the time we were in Columbia trying to rescue a Congressman’s daughter from a drug cartel. He made a tazergun out of a Ziplock bag and half of a dead fish, so this new government should be a piece of cake.” Secretary of State Colin Powell expressed that the urgency of the situation called for extreme measures. “I don’t know of anyone else who’s as good at making something out of nothing as MacGyver,” he explained. “Our diplomats and political scientists would need at least a sufficient infrastructure to make a new regime work, but I hear this guy can do anything.” A senior White House official said that one of MacGyver’s first tasks would be to create a moderate Islamic leader that the population
Bush Declares Thanksgiving to be National Day of Thanksgiving In a recent televised address from the Whitehouse, President Bush issued a formal proclamation designating Thanksgiving a “National Day of Thanksgiving in which Americans give thanks for all the things they are thankful for. Thank you.”
You Failed Your Midterm Despite an 11-hour overnight attempt to read all 16 chapters of your textbook, you still totally failed your midterm. “I really thought they would curve the scores more,” you said shortly after receiving your failing grade. “One more W will hardly be noticeable,” your academic advisor said of your transcript before suggesting you transfer to state.
Freshman Brags about 22 gig porn collection First year student Alan Menendez spent the first half of Sunday bragging to friends about the 22 gigs. of porn he has recently acquired. Menendez spent the second half of the day, “alone in his room.”
Pretentious Film Major Just Happens to Mention Obscure, Independent French Film She Saw Recently... Pg. Shut the Fuck Up.
photo by Jack Dalton
MacGyver shortly after establishing a free press with his underwear and twelve sour gummi bears.
could rally behind. “All he needs is some palm fronds and a 60 watt halogen bulb for that, but he could probably do it with a 40 watt.” she said. “It shouldn’t be too hard, unless he runs out of palm fronds while making a viable market economy.” Others praised MacGyver’s handiness in tight situations. During the humanitarian crisis in Somalia, MacGyver helped the Red Cross. One volunteer said, “None of us had anything to eat, but he managed to feed an entire village
with his cell phone, a chewing gum wrapper and a cart-load of bread. It baffles me to this day.” A British intelligence official also reported today that Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden may have tried to recruit MacGyver into the organization as recently as last year. Bin Laden reportedly wanted MacGyver to make him a nuclear weapon out of some camel dung and rocks on the floor of his cave.
Born Again Virgin Looks Forward to Weekend of Sex By Johnnie Chi Staff Writer Selma Livingston, a student living in Eleanor Roosevelt College, declared herself a born again virgin last weekend and since then there has been no end to her sexual activity. Warren junior Brian Parisi, one of the many men who have suddenly become attracted to Selma, stated recently why he wants so desperately to have intercourse with her. “Man, I think it’s the fact that she’s an untouched gem... and I want a chance to be the first to polish her up,” he said. “From what I’ve seen of her with other guys, she seems a bit experienced, which is strange for a virgin. But then, I’m going to be the first, so it doesn’t matter.” Selma herself was exhausted from having so many members of the opposite sex “all up on me,” but was amazed by the incredible mass of the male student body. “Man, I had no idea this virginity thing would get me so much action in so little time,” she gushed. “There were like 20 guys here last
Anthrax Manufacturers Team Up With Publishers Clearinghouse. See Coverage...pg. 9
week, and boy am I sore!” Despite the outpouring of male interest, not all students support the recent rise in born again virginity. “It trivializes those of us who are actually saving ourselves,” said actual virgin Victoria Carr while lengthening the hem of her skirt. “Once your virginity’s gone, it’s gone forever. Why can’t she just take it up the ass like the rest of us?” Virginity has been a growing
fad on campus, with many students becoming born again virgins. This rise in virginity has coincided with an equal rise in promiscuity and curiously, both occurring in the same population of students. Said UCSD Student Health director Maria Winslow, “these born again virgins are the biggest sluts around. They see more cock than a chicken farmer, more Dick than Patty Nixon, and more dong than Quasimodo.”
New Study Links Presidential Approval, Reactionary Nationalism... Pg 13.
Back by Very Popular Demand... Page 5.
FALSIFIED QUOTE
“Is it possible to be a little bit pregnant?” —Mary-Kate Olsen
photo by One Lucky Leprechaun
Junior Brian Parisi demonstrates proper conversion technique.
“Only if he’s your producer.” — Ashley Olsen